Have you ever noticed that sometimes our kids seem to tune us out or react in unexpected ways? It might be because we unintentionally create barriers to good communication with them. Discover with Gail Smith some common roadblocks we might unknowingly set up, thinking we're doing what's best for them.
Read MoreChildren can feel anxiety, just as adults do. Anxiety is the feeling where we worry, we feel anxious and we can have a sense of dread. Here are some tips to help your child work through anxiety.
Read MoreA child who is a perfectionist does not feel free to make any mistakes and we know that mistakes are an important form of learning for your child. If the child feels too anxious to make mistakes their confidence drops and all sorts of behavioural complications can enter the scenario. Read here to navigate the world of perfection in your child.
Read MoreWhen a child feels overwhelmed by too much information, they simply shut down as a defence. Children can become just as overwhelmed as adults. Read here on some strategies to help avoid anxiety in your children.
Read MoreIn today's world, we tend to worry and feel the stress of everything occurring around us. Children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability. Read here for some thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Read More1. Are you someone that tries hard to make everything right all the time? If this is the case you must be on overdrive during the lockdown. I would say quite exhausted. Try easing off a little. Are there things you can simply not do? These are unusual times and require unusual approaches. A little less can be better.
We have all said that we are in a new norm. Consider putting less pressure on yourself by not demanding as much from yourself and the children. Accept that the world has changed. Less mental clutter from expecting too much will ease the tension for everyone. Mental clutter comes from too much to think about without eliminating any of the worries on your mind.
2. When exercising with the kids, try setting little goals.
‘Today we will ride to the park and tomorrow will we will cycle a bit further around the creek”.
Here it is all about shifting the goal posts a little and motivating the children to do better and achieve a little more. It certainly gets the enthusiasm going for everyone. We all need something like a small challenge to get us motivated.
3. Children thrive on routine and feel so secure when they know what is happening. Put a set plan into the day with school work, lunch, etc. all planned. At the end of the day, it is recreation and fun time. It certainly is a motivator for the children. Involve them in the plan and assess how it all went after the day or the week. They will feel comfortable and secure with the routine and look forward to their free time to stretch their legs.
4. Unclutter. Keep the day simple and the house even simpler. The more we clutter, the more we think we have things to do. When you break away from the house for a walk etc. note how things just fade away.
5. Now is not a time to be extraordinarily disciplined and in control of everything. There is enough mental discipline coming from our lockdown instructions. Loosen up a little and enjoy the experience of just being family. Afterall it is such an extraordinary time to be together. Try and savour this time which will never come back again in the same format. Treasure it.
“Tough times don’t last. But tough people do.”
There is an old saying which says, “If mama isn’t right, the whole house isn’t right.” Here we mean that keeping yourself well and feeling mentally on top of things is critical for the mental health of the whole family. You, the parent is a major driver in the mental health of the family.
No pressure I hear you say loud and clear!
Here are some thoughts on keeping mentally healthy during these difficult times where we feel so unsettled and disillusioned by the news we hear on a daily basis about the pandemic.
Watch out for the triggers in your life that will unsettle you easily. We all have buttons once pressed that make us feel unhappy, angry disappointed, etc. If you can recognise those triggers then perhaps you can avoid them. This may mean some restructuring in your day, perhaps avoiding the news, conversations etc. When you think about it, there are occasions and situations that will bring you into an unsettled state. Seek out ways to avoid them. It could be as simple as not watching the news, reading the paper, not discussing the daily numbers with the virus, etc.
Take care not to blame yourself when things go wrong. This can happen easily when you are feeling down. For example, if your child doesn’t complete work online do not immediately see yourself as the bad parent. The more we see ourselves as the one to take the blame, the less capable we are to manage the situation effectively. Very quickly we begin to spiral down and only see the negative in situations. You are not the source of all problems and circumstances often outside your control dictate outcomes!
Try to focus on the positive. Today is sunny, this means Spring is coming and we can do more activities outside. Sometimes just reflecting on the simple positives just cheer you up. This does require developing a mindset that looks to the positive. When you start thinking that way you begin to have more gratitude for the good things around you and this shrinks negative feelings.
Be conscious of developing unhealthy coping skills. This can mean going to places and comfort zones that give us short term relief. Of course, alcohol would be in this category.
Think about what really works for you that makes you happy. Everyone is different in this area. Some people love yoga, others like to jog, cook, read, sew etc. The more you gravitate and feed your personal passions the better you feel.
Ensure you find yourself in situations where you get rewarded. It is important to hear affirmation from those around you. Of course, your children are a wonderful source of showing you how much they love you. Never underestimate the power of hearing positive talk about yourself. After all you are worth it!
Treat yourself to little indulgences. Some people love a bath, some enjoy a quiet time in the garden etc. Your personal space is very necessary to rejuvenate the spirit. If flowers make you feel happy, buy some each week.
Finally, talk to friends. There is nothing more enjoyable than simply having conversations with those that you value most in life.
Remind yourself that powers outside your control have led to our pandemic situation. We are just trying to create an environment that brings some light and joy into a difficult situation. However, in order to be a giver of joy, we must look after ourselves first in whatever way works for you.
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”
Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?
Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.
What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus
How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.
Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?
Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?
So, we are back working on line from home.
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
A few tips on helping with home schooling
8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.
Getting back to routine after lockdown
Back to school and living the new norm
Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown
Whilst I have written several times on this matter, it occurs to me that there is no problem in repeating how and what to do to help our children’s mental health during this period. Everything keeps shifting. As each week comes around, there is an evolution of new thoughts and discussions on how and what is best practice in managing the situation. This everchanging pattern leaves us very unsettled and searching for the truth.
In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life. What we can do as parents though, is provide a secure climate at home, that keeps the positive alive and a sense of hope, a source of regular discussion.
Children need to feel secure and as parents, we are the source to make this provision. Our hope is that in the longer term, they remember us as parents who kept up with accurate information. They also want us to be honest. However, in the same vein, to give us hope, so that they have something to look forward to and to set a goal in these troubling times. Setting goals is aspiring to feeling and being better.
‘If I finish my on-line work, I will ride my bike with mum and dad in the park for two hours.’
In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life.
This is most important that they trust what we have to say and look to us for further ongoing current, accurate information and guidance. It is our responsibility to keep them abreast with the changing situations, age-appropriate of course.
Take care not to talk the negative talk in front of them. They pick up on what is said and if it is unsettling, they may harbour that thought, without seeking accurate information. Children in my experience, do not approach adults who seem agitated or unsettled about their facts and feelings. They always gravitate around the stable influence in their life.
Through the internet, talking to friends, news items etc. information, correct or otherwise is everywhere. You are the main source of truth for your child. It is imperative that they want to seek you out when they have questions that make them unsettled. They will go to you if they see you as someone who will not falsify information, put them down or polish the truth. If you are a calm and stable person, that listens with very little reaction to the questions, then they know you are reliable and can be trusted.
Children are living their own journey with this pandemic and so they deserve the truth and the ability to build their knowledge base as time progresses. For example, we are now talking about the percentage of vaccines that are taken up as being significant to when and where we can open up our cities. The conversation keeps shifting and so too should the information and conversations we have with our children. Of course, we deliver the information in an age-appropriate way and as frequently as is needed.
I believe it is also important to be clear with your child how your family is responding to the lockdowns etc. For example, talk to them about how you shop, what precautions you take and how far you travel. These practical aspects are still to be understood by the child. The clearer they are about how their family operates under the pandemic, the safer they feel in the presence of their reliable family.
Your family has an immense responsibility during this pandemic of not just keeping your child safe from physical harm, but also from longer-term mental harm. The more secure, predictable and reassuring you are as a parent, the better the mental health for the child in the longer term.
“Family is your most reliable source of support in any situation because love from your family is unconditional.”
Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:
‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’
Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.
When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:
‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’
Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.
Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.
When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.
You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.
Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.
An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.
Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.
Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.
Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.
“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”
With the lockdown yet again comes some very low, unsettling feelings for some families. Here are some quick tips to keep a positive momentum happening at home in the long days.
Be positive. Talk to your child about the life-saving measures of lockdown including the fact that our government is putting our safety ahead of all other matters. This is an important part of a humane society. Try to keep the political discussion out of it.
Talk about the amazing speed of vaccine development. It has happened so quickly and very skilled scientists are working around the clock to improve our health and to find solutions quickly.
Talk about contact tracing and how measures are put in place to locate people exposed to the virus. The organisation in this exercise is immense.
Keep the work online in proportion to the day’s events. Too much online school activities can make for being alone and unhappy. It is hard to feel successful while working online with school activities. Build in sport or some other recreation and spontaneous laughter during the day. After all, this is a quality time to be with the family, where there is the least interference.
Give your child updated information, age-appropriate of course. With all the negative and unsettling news, children need the truth about the state of the coronavirus outbreak.
Keep them away from unsettling newspapers that focus on dramatic headlines that are questionable in truth. This is not a time for whipping up more anxiety.
Build a few happy, surprise treats into the day. A little bit of extra sugar won’t hurt but can lift the spirits across the days. We are in unique times and we just need to be creative in the way we engage with our family. We need to be more flexible and use our initiative to break the tension that builds.
Whilst I am always arguing about monitoring the use of technology in the hands of children, now is an important time for them to be in touch with their friends. Talking to friendship groups is comforting and reassuring for children.
Finally, keep in mind that your children will look back on these extreme times and appreciate how you managed their journey through the pandemic and most especially, the lockdowns etc. Being present for them, conscious to keep a happy momentum, informing accurately and capitalising on quality time together is the answer to managing these difficult times.
“Laughter is a tranquiller with no side effects.”
We live in a world that is so busy constantly. In fact, I will be bold enough to say that we worship speed and value being inundated with information all the time. Social media, our mobiles etc. are all about using technology to speed up information and to be constantly informed.
Our children live in such a world and teachers spend much of their time keeping pace with the pressure of teaching, and at the same time trying to get children to value a slower pace.
Worshipping speed and the overload of information that it can give does not lead to thinking through a balanced understanding of issues.
However, our children are born into the notion that speed and amount of information measures knowledge.
There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down
There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down. Firstly, it invites them to process the information gently and it highlights the importance of ensuring that the information so gained is not destroyed by the overload of extra information that comes in so quickly.
Teachers recognise that simply gaining more information fast does not necessarily teach a child anymore. They recognise and value the importance of processing information carefully and with attention to detail.
The following thoughts help us support our children who are overly exposed to information:
When a child uses internet to gather information, take time with them to decipher what is real and not so real in evaluating information.
Engage in activities with your child that are single based. This means simply enjoy bike rides or ice creams together. Enjoyment does not need to be any more complicated.
When you choose family holidays, choose holidays that are not overcomplicated. Do you find for example too many visitors interrupt such simple time with family? Is it necessary to plan holidays that are entertaining every single day?
Activities such as sitting together and working on a cross word puzzle are excellent opportunities to simply stay focussed together on one activity for a prolonged period.
Teach your child that overstimulation can lead to fatigue and does not give clarity.
Demonstrate by your own example how working slowly and carefully through issues is a better way to solve problems and feel successful in outcomes.
We simply teach our children that slowing down and taking time to achieve tasks has within it much reward. We smell the roses when we successfully feel satisfied in our strong and steady achievements.
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.”
Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.
Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension.
Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.
A few tips:
Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?
Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?
Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.
When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.
Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.
Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.
It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.
“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”
Do you know or remember people in your life as a child that were happy? Did they laugh a lot and were they smiling often? No surprise that people with a positive, happy disposition attract other people easily. In fact, laughing is absolutely contagious and can influence very quickly the culture of a group of people gathered.
In Japan I hear of laughing clubs where people come together regularly, simply to have a good hearty laugh. This is seen as stress-busting and releases all the positive endorphins into the bloodstream. It makes you feel good and less focussed on being around negative influences. People say that it is quite uplifting and the more they have, the more they want.
We all want to feel better and we certainly are easily drawn to positive people. Children are always hoping that when their teacher is allocated for the new year that they get the teacher who is fun and enjoys a good laugh. Learning can come with more ease when a child feels that they are with someone who does not judge but sees the best in them. Warm-hearted people are never seen as judgemental people.
Laughter is a fabulous stress buster!
Teachers also are very aware that they have higher productivity from the children when the classroom is operating on a happy, positive note.
By being in the bosom of a family that enjoys a good laugh, the child feels happy and the optimism carries over to so many areas of their life. Who wants to feel down when you can feel up more often.
Whist I appreciate that we cannot laugh all day, it is still important to build into your routine with children some positive happy times that simply bring joy to everyone. This gives them a positive feeling and keeps the blues at bay. It breeds optimism and hope.
It is amazing how two people can see the same situation differently. One may see the glass half full, the other half empty.
Give yourself permission to be a person that enjoys a good laugh every now and again.
In working with children, it was sometimes possible to simply share a joke together. This was a wonderful icebreaker and set both child and Principal at ease. Sometimes at the cost of forgetting the problem to be discussed!
A few thoughts:
If you are having a flat day try not to share too much of that with your child. If possible, come in on all the opportunities for a laugh together. This will lift your spirits as well.
What about when the family shares a meal together. This is an excellent time to share a laugh. Ask the question:
‘Did anyone have something funny happen to them today?’
Funny movies can bring much relaxation and humour to the family who shares it together.
When your child tells you something funny that happened share in the laughter. Let your child know that you enjoy hearing the lighter side of their day.
Children are quite spontaneous with their humour. You can learn a lot from merely being around your child. Their joy and laughter is infectious. Above all, allow laugher into your life and it will flow onto your child very spontaneously.
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
Your grow older because you stop laughing.”
Oh, what a year it has been for everyone! Here we are with a few weeks to go, Christmas in the air and school back in action.
Are we normal again? What is normal and is it important to be back in what we understood as normal? Who knows the answer to that question?
With all the variation of the year, changing expectations and the ever-present idea that we could be back in lockdown if everything goes pear-shaped, are we expecting too much?
Here are a few tips to make for a gentle exit to the year and a happy entry into the holiday period.
Be gentle on yourself. If you notice that you are not operating as normal, so be it! Now is a balancing act of getting everything done for Christmas and at the same time remaining calm.
Keep simple and happy routines going for the children. They deserve to feel safe and be reassured of normality in their life. They need to feel a sense of familiarity in their world.
Don’t set expectations too high with regard to learning. The children are getting back into what is a broken year for school and even teachers will find it hard to assess the performance of the children. You may find the school report quite modified to suit the situation. Remember learning has occurred this year in a whole different way.
Keep home life stable and not too unsettled. Be predictable and reliable when promising children what lies ahead.
Take care when disciplining poor behaviour. Check in to find out what is driving the problem. Children can still be unsettled in the school, with friends etc. There may be some matter affecting their ability to function well.
Take care not too overcrowd the week. Let some form of normality operate in your family life. What can you take out of your week to simplify life for the family? Look positively to the Christmas period. It is an excellent time to heal from our unsettled year. Watch old joyous Christmas movies filled with warm feelings, goodwill and happiness.
Reduce negative talk around the house. This can make children anxious.
Finally, keep up the listening with our children. They need to feel heard as they come to understand what they have been experiencing this year.
“Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”
As we enter into our new norm, post coronavirus, how are you a parent and carer coping? There will be change all around us. Some we cannot control and other aspects we may have some control over. Think about how you are entering this new norm and ensure that it includes your wellbeing. The carer needs to be cared for.
Sometimes as a parent we go on overdrive to ensure that our children have all their needs met and this overdrive can make us quite irritable and out of sorts. Notice the signs in yourself as you get back to normal routines. Are you getting tired now that the situation has changed? Are you also getting enough sleep and personal space to ensure that you are as balanced as possible in how you manage your children?
In working with children and in meeting regularly with parents, it became very clear that a tired parent was not a good listener to their children and sometimes had feelings of being quite inadequate in their parenting. This often had a spiralling down effect and the child quickly picked up on the vulnerable state of the parent. This then fuelled anxiety in the child which sometimes manifested in very poor behaviour.
The more vulnerable and less satisfied the parent, the greater propensity for unsettled behaviour in the child.
Don’t forget. You matter too.
I hear you say that there is the plight of the parent.
Consider the following tips on keeping your own life in check which also includes a good dose of happiness.
In each day where does, the “you” time fit in? This could only be ten minutes but some personal time makes us all feel mentally rested.
Look at the balance of the week with all the timetable and activities set. Can anything change to make your life easier? Remember this may mean sacrificing some aspect of your child’s planned week. However, it is necessary to include your needs in the weeks.
It is important to let your child see how you value some personal time. Have this conversation with them:
“Today I will go to bed earlier as I need some time just to read my book. Please help with the clean up after dinner.”
Do you connect well with friends? Conversations between friends especially those in the same situation can remind you that you are all in a busy time of your life. Ensure that these are positive chats and not just ones to bring you down. Avoid the negative talk as it can be quite destructive.
Bring laughter into your life often. I know one woman that watches 30 minutes of the comedy show a day just to have a laugh and feel better. When you need to address issues with your child, consider how you feel, try to talk about matters when you are less tired and reactive.
Take a walk often. Even a short one around the neighbourhood. Fresh air lifts the spirit and creates some personal space.
Do you have a passion? It could be reading, jogging, the gym etc. Ensure that this is a regular part of your week and try not to reduce this precious time because of busy circumstances. Ensure you let the children know how important this time is to you.
Ensure that around the house are important objects that make you feel better. Photos are great. Flowers enlighten the day, cups of tea are easily accessible. Keep your running gear close at hand. It is all about ensuring the home also is your comfort station and not a working family space.
Catching up with friends for short intervals can also lift the spirits. It is amazing how short intervals of feeling better can generally improve your mood.
Leave messages around the house to remind you about things that are important to you. On the fridge mention your gym days. In the bedroom have your book etc. near the bed. Keep your runners near the door.
Giving yourself visual images of what is important to you, lift the spirit and raise the importance of the activity in the life of the family.
These thoughts are about ensuring that you matter. The more you raise the family’s awareness of the importance of having your special time, the more the family understands that care is for everyone and everyone feeds off each other’s care.
“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.”
Perhaps we can look at the bright side?
Firstly, this is familiar to all the family. Getting setup and working from the computer is becoming quite the commonplace.
Falling back into old habits can be OK if it all worked well for you before. Consider the following thoughts to give your working day a boost.
Consider some thoughts from Gail Smith, The Primary Years, to give your working day through COVID-19 restrictions a boost.
Organise with your child when and how you will do the work. Now that they are experienced at it, invite them to suggest new ways to work. Perhaps they may want to move into a new position in the home for a fresh new perspective.
Plan to do refreshing activities after each day’s event at work. This should involve activities that are fun and life-giving preferably in the open air.
Suggest that your child make their own masks one day. This shows their individuality and creativity to what is a difficult time for all.
Think about refreshment you may offer across the day. I would suggest using some happy, surprising treats to support the new lockdown operations. After all, we all need some moments of being uplifted.
Introduce music across the working day. Invite the child to choose what makes them feel good.
The days can be dull now that it is mid-winter. Consider timing your breaks for when we have some sun. This is good for the soul.
Ensure the child is situated in a light-filled space while working. This can make a big difference to their mood and level of production.
The news regarding COVid 19 has made us all feel frustrated and a little more anxious. Ensure accurate information is still given to your child, age-appropriate of course but tailor the conversations with some positive news about how figures may be improving, etc.
Start bringing in jokes and laughter into the day. A funny joke once a day is good for the spirit.
Finally, we are all learning how to live a little differently and our awareness about health issues are widening each day as we learn about changing patterns with the virus. Use this information to talk to your child about how a virus works. But also keep in mind some positives.
We are developing a method of immunisation. How clever does that make us as a race?
Many health care workers such as doctors and nurses serve in the health industry. They show courage and bravery in working in difficult situations. How strong we can be as people who care a great deal.
How generous are some people to give support to others who are more vulnerable? Such generosity is amazing. It is a gift.
Look at all the positive people who are following the rules. This tells us we do care about the common good.
Find some good news story about how someone showed special care to others. Talk about the great gifts of generosity evidenced in the community. Often, we hear such goodwill stories in the news.
Talk about how this is a very much a challenge for us as a community and it is also an excellent time to talk about the common good. As we live in a very “Me” orientated world this is such an opportunity to raise awareness of the role we all play in our society. The difference we can make if we all pull together.
In our tricky world, appropriate consequences for poor behaviour, are hard to resolve. Given the intense time we are placed in with our children there will be occasions when we need to correct their behaviour. We need incredible tolerance and understanding under the circumstances, even though we are under so much personal pressure.
When we live in a confined space together and have to create our own new world, this will come with unusual tensions which do not demand a familiar response. What is normal in these situations? There is no familiar formula.
I would be recommending not considering punishment to fit the crime, but rather reflecting on how the child is coping with the tensions and how best to respond. Consider the following suggestions in talking to your child when their behaviour is out of control and your ability to manage the situation is at a low.
“I am upset that this has happened. How can we best deal with it?”
“I find that things are difficult at the moment, please find a solution to help me get on top of this problem.”
“I am angry that this has happened and I am finding it difficult, what can we do to solve this problem?”
“My ability to handle this situation is not great at the moment we will deal with it later.”
All these responses are about acknowledging behavioural problems, not overreacting, yet demonstrating a need to talk it through and resolve the matter. It gives you the personal space to take away the anger and think about how to respond in a fair and reasonable way at a later date.
Quick aggressive responses do require a fair bit of comeback and can-do considerable damage to fragile relationships.
Whilst I appreciate that through active listening and understanding the problem, there may still need to be consequences. I am however, advising that in a confined situation for a prolonged time it will require both parties to have tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences. We are in a new norm and this is taking its toll on everyone. It requires us as parents to think differently in managing our children. Abiding by “old thinking” will not be the answer for supporting children in this unique situation. Tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, turning a blind eye, etc. are helpful tools in moving forward in some situations.
The parent needs to show intuition, wisdom and discernment in finding solutions to inappropriate behaviour often driven by extremely different circumstances for all parties. This is where you, the parent take ownership of managing the situation well.
“You have to think a little smarter, be proactive not reactive.”
In these stressful times, we need tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences.
This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.
Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.
In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.
Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.
Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.
Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.
When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?
Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.
As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.
If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.
“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”
Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.
The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.
How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.