Who wants to be the perfect parent?

That can be quite exhausting and as you already know I’m sure your children will ask many questions about all sorts of matters. Once the questioning starts it can be overwhelming and having all the answers can be difficult. Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be perfect! In fact, not knowing all the answers is an advantage.

The natural curiosity of children is quite special and I understand that as a parent we want to ensure that they are given as much information as possible. We want to encourage their curiosity and stimulate their thinking.

Of course, they will seek you out at a young age as the source of all knowledge which is wonderful!. They will trust your judgement and believe that what you tell them is the truth. This holds you in a very privileged position. In their eyes, you are the bearer of all truth and knowledge. Now how does that make you feel? Well at least responsible for treating their inquiries with respect and being honest in your answers.

This article is about supporting the questions asked by your children with truth and with honesty. This is the case when you especially do not know the answer.

It is best to be open and suggest that together you will find out about their concern.

“Thanks for asking me about how birds fly. That is a big question and let’s look up the information together’.

Here you are teaching your child that making an inquiry is acceptable and that there are ways of finding out the information together.

This is a much better response than creating an answer without validity.

Do you feel you have to be on hand answering every question perfectly?

If your child is asking questions about values and morality this is a whole separate field which involves personal views and opinions. There is information to learn but also given the value-laden nature of such questions, you can declare your opinions in a proper manner.

“I can see you are interested in understanding more about birth control. Let’s find out the different ways of managing it.”

Here you can offer your opinion. When you offer your opinions take care not to enforce your beliefs. They are more likely to be understood and accepted if you talk about them openly and without emotion. Remember, you are modelling how to learn about information so that bias and prejudice do not appear in the conversations. A child will listen with more interest and intent if your interpretation is fair and reasonable.

“Here is the information on capital punishment. Some people are very opposed to this as I am and If you like I can give you my reasons”.

Here you invite the child to hear your opinions. This has more impact especially on teaching the child about taking a balanced approach to some issues.

The beauty of sharing information together also teaches the child that you are a learner and have an inquiring approach to finding out answers. You are not threatened by new knowledge and are prepared to look at all sides of the issue.

Here are a few thoughts on helping your child with questions.

• Be quick to look up the information together. If you are busy suggest saying:

“I don’t know the answer but later when I have time, we can look it up on the internet.”

• Follow through with all questions. Sometimes only simple responses are necessary, especially with younger children. Longer explanations can sometimes get lost in their little minds.

• To keep them still asking you the questions talk about how you like to find out facts and share some new insights you have learnt with your child.

Questioning is such a natural part of growing up. The more a child feels secure in asking you questions, the more they will come to you with their queries no matter how controversial. The more you present an open mind to learning new information, the more your child understands that asking questions is a natural way to learn.

“Life is an unanswered question but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.”

— Tennessee Williams

What is lying all about?

No one likes to feel that they have been lied to. There is something quite sinister and uncomfortable when we hear that someone has lied to you. Certainly, trust is out the door immediately!

Do you wonder why your child lies?

I want to talk about lying with children. Sometimes the word lying is not really appropriate. The younger the child, the greater the likelihood that what we think was a lie was in fact fantasy. Something made up to suit an answer that seemed to align with the question. Also, consider that younger children have no malice nor are they at all interested in being out of a relationship with you. Therefore, they will be mostly honest to the bone. A very young child sometimes chooses fantasy to solve their problems and care should be taken not to be too reactive when they fantasize why something happened.

However, there are occasions when a child feels caught in a difficult situation and does not have the where with all to escape the problem. Perhaps they are unduly fearful of the consequences in which case they will concoct a story to suit the tricky scenario in which they find themselves. The important point here is that we teach our children to feel comfortable in telling the truth and not unduly anxious that they will receive serious consequences. A child has difficulty sometimes in measuring what is serious and not serious. Our job is to lead them to tell the truth as a means of clearing up problems and moving forward.

Here are some suggestions on how to encourage your child to always tell the truth.

• Demonstrate how you are a truthful person and openly admit that sometimes you make mistakes and need to say sorry and admit to the problem.

• Talk often about how telling the truth helps everyone move on quickly from the problem.

• When your child responds quickly with truth in a difficult situation affirm their honesty and praise their courage in doing the right thing. Let them know that the problem can be quickly solved when telling the truth. It does not get more complicated.

• There are some excellent stories for young children with a Pinocchio style approach. Reading them and discussing the moral of the story is helpful.

• If a child is struggling to tell the truth encourage them gently to open up.

“I can see that you are anxious about telling me what really happened…….

             “I can wait a while if this helps you”.

“Are you worried about what I will think as I am proud that you tell me the truth?”

“When you tell the truth no matter how hard it is, I am so proud of your courage.”

• When you notice how other people are quick to tell the truth, talk about how the problem doesn’t get more complicated.

• Pick up on the little occasions when your child made the right choice to be honest.

“Thanks for cleaning up your mess on the table.” It’s about acknowledging that they recognise problems and deal with them. Sometimes just acting on your mistake is telling the truth.

• Keep your anger and disappointment in control as often what we think is a big lie in the child’s mind can be quite small. Try to understand how your child sees the problem before reacting.

• Ensure that if there are consequences after your child tells the truth they should be fair and reasonable taking into account that your child was honest. Always follow with affirmation about their ability to respond with the truth straight away.

• A child is weaving their way through tricky situations across the day and sometimes they must make moral choices about telling the truth.

Gradually with parental guidance and gentle handling, they will come to value keeping the truth as the first priority. They will not if fear of retribution and outmoded discipline is the outcome.

We are leading them into the powerful realisation that truth sets you free.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Little by little let them grow freer and more independent

This can be difficult to know when and how to allow more independence in your child. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that from the minute they are born, we are working towards making them independent from you, the parent! Some parents come to this realisation earlier than others. I would say the earlier we recognise how we are helping our children by supporting independent steps, the better and easier it becomes to incrementally allow independent steps. Just think about when your child learnt to walk. You were there and shared in the joy. This was their attempt to stand up independently and walk. As they get older it becomes a little more difficult to give them independence when it involves risk.

This article suggests that we keep in our mind that inviting our children to take small steps to independence, becomes a way of life for you, the parent and the child. Once we establish in our minds that the more they work towards being independent, the greater capabilities they develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. This means a reduction of control for us, but in another way, you are teaching your child how to be a capable independent soul.

You may say that this creates worry for you, the parent. I would argue that there is constant worry when we try to be in control of everything. In fact, we become quite anxious when we lose control, which will naturally happen as time passes. We cannot be in the presence of our children exerting control all the time. Also we should not aim to attend to every detail to ensure we are managing the situation just the way we like it.

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

Teachers give children small, incremental opportunities to show independence. This can happen through work demands or social demands. They are cautious with parents to ensure that when a child shows initiative of a new nature, let us say a little riskier, they will tell the parent in positive tones. Teachers will also recognise very quickly in their classroom those children who come from a home where the child is expected to take on roles and to show independence in family activities.

By giving your child incremental bouts of being independent, you are saying to your child that you trust them. Total control demonstrates having no faith in the child’s abilities.

Consider in this formula of gradually letting your child grow into independence, you are expecting them from time to time to take a dive. This is natural and this is where your talents and skills come into the story. You are there to listen and recommend options and dust them down when they are feeling bruised and sore from their fall. Afterall every childhood has its ups and downs.

You are there to also affirm their efforts and talk about how they showed initiative in “having a go” on their own. How helpful and useful a role you now take on. A much more effective position as a parent than trying to solve everything for them. The child here does no independent thinking and takes no ownership of problems. In fact, they don’t see problems as they are taken from them.

Here are a few quick tips on becoming a more relaxed parent and drip feeding your child with independent strategies.

• Notice first your child’s strengths. These are good starters for giving some more independence to your child. 

“I can see how well you fold clothes. Could you fold those clothes on the bench for me? Thanks.”

“I like the way you manage money. Could you pay the cashier with this money? Thankyou.”

• Gradually take stock of areas in which your child is less secure and begin some support for building their confidence in acting independently.

“Rather than me explain to the teacher why you were away today I would like you to tell her when we go to school tomorrow.” This is all about helping a shy child articulate themselves to the teacher.

• When your child has genuinely “had a go” and continues to be unsuccessful, sit down together and write down optional ways to “have a go.” At no point do you take over the problem.

• As a family, talk about family activities or routines where jobs can be shared. Together discuss how they went for everybody. Were the jobs a good distribution for all family members?

• Were some jobs too much? Do we need to redefine the jobs? Are there more difficult jobs now to share?

In working with children who may be dealing with some issues it was important to listen to their attempts in solving the problem. Without that component to the discussion there was no joint discussion. It would be just instructional and who listen to just instructions messages?

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

“Children learn to manage, control and even overcome their fears by taking risks.”

—  A.Hans.com