As a parent we think about so many aspects of our child. Will they grow well? Is this the right school for them? What if they don’t find friends? What if they don’t eat their vegetable and so the tedious list of worries morphs into bigger worries as the child grows.

It can be exhausting for parents. The weight and fear of the unknown can be quite a burden. Often our caution lends itself to over protection.

When introducing new families to school at prep I was always curious to hear of their worries for their child. I think back to these same parents as we farewelled their last child from primary school. How often we laughed together at the innumerable fears and anxieties parents held about their children in earlier years.

Take note, I am not suggesting that genuine interest and natural anxieties should not be the norm for parents. I am saying that sometimes we over worry and put long term fears into our anxiety about our child. By doing this we become focussed on wanting to prevent or solve the problem before it happens. This sets up barriers to development. The other concern is that our fears influence how we engage with our children and sometimes this can impact on our relationship with them. A common fear that I often heard from parents was

“If my child is not successful at……. they will lose their confidence forever.”

This is clearly not so!

Afterall, does worrying about the unknown, long-term future have any purpose?

This article suggests that we should think more about the short-term issues with children. If handled well, the longer-term issues take care of themselves. As the child takes on more independence, they do not seek out our involvement in solving problems, or making solutions for them. They simply want the right to own their own experiences. When working with children I would sometimes put it to the child

“Do you want mum or dad to solve this for you?”

In most cases the answer was “no”. The child would rather go through the struggle than have their independent right to solve the problem taken from them.

In the light of this information, I put it to parents that worrying over your child excessively is simply a waste of time. Putting this energy into being joyous about your child’s development is better use of family energy and has a positive, healthy effect on the child.

Life changes, your child may go in different directions and show completely new interest where it wasn’t before. These are just some variables and surprises out of your control.

Concentrating on the here and now and the practical issue is easier on your well being and does not inflate the possibility of bigger problems. It is actually quite the reverse.

So, I suggest put all your worries about your child into a much smaller, more manageable basket and wait with excitement and anticipation for all the twists and turns that will be part of a child’s development.

Be optimistic and excited about the unknown challenges that lie ahead for your child and the new challenges that this presents for you personally. This is so necessary for your well-being as a developing parent and life consultant to your child.

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

How much worry about your child should a parent take?

Does your child overthink matters?