We are confronted by what recently happened in Texas with the mass killing of young children in a school. It is almost impossible to get our heads around this atrocity and as parents, we shudder with the reminder that a parent’s grief for their lost child would be immeasurable. Here's some pointers for parents to help your children understand tragedies like this.
Read MoreDo you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?
Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.
Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.
Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.
“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.
Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.
Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.
“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”
Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.
Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.
After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.
This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.
In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.
“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”
Tony Robbins
Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.
Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.
However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.
Here are a few suggestions.
If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying
Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.
“What positives have just been heard?”
“How can we make this a simple thought?”
When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.
“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”
“What part of the test is on your mind?”
Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.
In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.
Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.
“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”
“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”
The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.
Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.
Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.
"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"
As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems.
Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.
" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."
When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales.
There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.
"Problems can be heavy can't they?"
The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.
There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.
As the prep year turns into a few weeks, sometimes situations change for the child. The friendship they thought was solid can shift, or perhaps someone acted inappropriately on the yard. Perhaps the child was not hearing effectively the directions of the teacher. There are many small factors that can suddenly turn a sunny situation into feelings of sadness.
This is all about a child learning to adjust to changing scenarios. It is early days of building resilience in a child, developing emotional intelligence and building social literacies. Parents can suddenly feel anxious when what seemed a perfect start turns around to being a child who does not want to go to school. Sounds dramatic but the turn around in the child's mood can happen quickly and dramatically.
What the parent does now is critical in showing the child how to deal with school issues.
Here are some easy steps to follow:
Sometimes this does not work subject to the child's emotional maturity. Once the teacher knows the concerns, they will work with the child on the problem.
Tap in with the child along the way asking how is the problem going? Remember, we are teaching them that from an early age they own the problem and with good support we can find solutions.
Don't forget to affirm the child once the problem is solved. “Well done. I am proud that you worked out that problem with help from those that you trust.”
