How do we build resilience in our children?

A big question that many parents ask themselves is how do we make our children more resilient? Whilst there are many support programs at school and strategies we can use to help our children, what is well regarded as a powerful strategy is to let the child see how resilient we are as parents in our own life.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations. The positive language we use in simply discussing a problem gives the child the awareness that you are calmly reflecting and can approach a situation from many angles. It is about a “no blame” outlook.

For example when faced with some crisis try using words like:

• “I have a problem and I need time to think it through.”
• “I need to look at many ways to sort this out.”
• “At the moment I am working through some troubling issues.”

This is about giving the child the message that:

1.           there can be many ways to solve a problem.
2.           having a problem is normal.

Staying calm during that time and looking at many angles of the situation is the best way forward.

When I have dealt with children in areas around resilience, it is not uncommon to hear them talk about how their parents would handle the situation. If they have parents who look at quick solutions and blame, it is harder for the child to take personal ownership of their situation themselves. When they recognise that the parents will look at how to resolve a situation through reflection and negotiation, the child is more receptive to owning and dealing with the problem themselves.

Some final thoughts:

• Stay calm when unsettling issues arise.
• Develop strong listening skills so that questioning is clear.
• Where possible, look for how a positive outcome can be reached even though there is some damage.         
• Keep your body language calm, steady and consistent.

Above all let your child see that staying calm and open-minded will get a better resolution.

There are many excellent problem-solving games in educational stores that teach the family how to approach a problem.

When a problem is resolved talk about how you used different strategies to understand and solve the problem.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations.

What do we do when we don't like the behaviour?

Have you ever felt negatively about your child? Some parents tell me that they often feel guilty as they have negative feelings about their child. This is quite natural. What you are feeling is just a dislike for their behaviour which can be unsettling, embarrassing, tiring etc. What we need to remember is that it is just the behaviour and not the child that unsettles us.

When working with children, I often notice that the expression a child has on their face can influence whether people believe the child or doubt them. Sometimes these expressions can be misleading as they represent feeling insecure and uncertain. They do not often reflect that the child does not care about the behaviour. So I recommend not judging a child's expression as often it just reflects an inability to deal with the situation.

As a parent, think about the following when feeling unsettled about the behaviour;

1. I love my child but I don't like the behaviour, therefore, we talk just about the behaviour.  "I really don't like what just happened. We need to understand what really happened so that we can move on.”
2. Always reaffirm the child after working through the behaviour matter. This reassures them that everything is back to normal.
3. Sometimes writing notes of reassurance gives the child a feeling that you have moved on. The note could say,” thanks for solving that problem that was on my mind. Now we can look forward to..........."

It is all about separating the behaviour from the child, reassuring the child that we move on from mistakes and grow through the process, maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Don't like the behaviour? Remember, it's the behaviour, not child.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset when it comes to your child?

Have you ever noticed that you sound like your parents when talking to your child? Or perhaps you work hard to parent very differently from your parents? Whatever your style, consider developing a growth mindset in engaging with your child.

This is about being open to ideas that your child might suggest that are not consistent with how you normally operate. It can be trying new things that are different or just experimental moments as a family.

It's about accepting that mistakes occur and that it takes time effort and some risks to move forward.

A fixed mindset is about being reserved and not keen to take risks of any kind. Taking the predictable and certain route forward. It is about being safe and certain with regard to the outcomes. Your child will keep providing challenges for you and it is worth reflecting on what kind of a mindset you give to their suggestions.

When working with children who were keen to explore different ways of being, it was not uncommon to hear them say
“It won't work in my home” or “it's not worth taking that idea to mum.”

This suggests that they understand the fixed mindset of their parents and as such ideas and suggestions are not brought forward at home.

I suggest keeping an open model at home that encourages varied conversations and applauds new ideas and initiatives that may be worth exploring or at least discussing.

I suggest inviting your child to come up with suggestions for working through family matters.

"I really love new ideas.”

"Sometimes it's great doing things differently”

"Have you got some other ideas that might help?”

I know of one family who awards the child that has the most creative idea for the week.

Our children are growing up in a world where developing a growth mindset will give them the confidence to experiment, try new initiatives and fit into a very flexible world. Predictability may not be the order of the day.

By being open to including your child in family discussions and brainstorming, you are being consistent with how children learn at school. This method is called the Inquiry approach and children are encouraged to ask questions, try out ideas and explore options. This is how best they learn.

So consider the following:

• Be open to their suggestions.
• Keep an open mind on what they have to say.
• Encourage creativity.
• Applaud the effort not so much the result, and,
• Reward the interest in independent learning and thinking.

How's your mindset?

Have you ever just sat and played with sand?

We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!

I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a  shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.

Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.

In my office sat a very well used sand tray! 

Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Sometimes younger children struggle to understand how to deal with a situation that can overwhelm them. This could be about finding friends or it could be trying to work out how to play with other children. One way to help a child is to simply draw the story. How best to play, for example. The first page shows the child meeting the friend. The second page may show them greeting the child and the third page could be about what to say such as, "can I play with you?".

The story unfolds through the simple pictures. Keep the pictures and story simple. We call this a social story and they work very well with children who cannot respond well to just being told what to do.  Some children do not process the problem easily through discussion.

I have used this with many a child and they love telling the story through the pictures. The child especially enjoys telling you how successful they were when they went through the process and followed the picture book. A social story can change if you find it needs a new direction. Children learn through visual images and when they are emotional about matters, pictures speak a thousand words. Simple drawings can say many unspoken words which gives the child a chance to express their feelings comfortably. To help a young child, the parents can draw their own social story to help the child understand the value of the pictures.

How can we help our children through a simple drawing?

Quick fixes for stressful moments

Ever felt ready to explode? Stress creeps up on us easily and gradually reduces our capacity to effectively manage situations. Children can inadvertently create this stress in us by a series of actions that just seem to keep mounting. They may be simple actions such as not listening, creating a mess, fighting with siblings etc. If we build up this feeling of, "I am over it!” we can explode with far too much reaction and sometimes the child does not see the problem in the same degree as yourself. This causes further deterioration of relationship.

The first step is to recognize how explosive the situation is becoming. Register in your mind that it is for example, eight out of ten and this means it can only get worse. Now take several deep breaths and realize that by changing the situation at this point, everyone feels better.

This can happen through taking a walk together, listening to music, going on a bike ride etc. The activity is not so important as the concept of the physical break from the intensity of the situation.

Exercise is great for everyone when stress is high. The principle here is that breaking from the situation brings down the anxiety and the likelihood of major crisis reduces. This technique is often used in classes as teachers will take their students out for a run on the oval as a break and a chance to refresh their thinking. The exercise and break totally changes the dynamics in the classroom. It is often said to older people if you don't use it, you lose it.

I would say the more active you become the less likelihood of losing your cool.

A hug a day goes a long way

It is amazing how simple things have such an impact.

When I do activities with students which involve listing the things that make them feel secure, they always come up with the importance of a hug from their parents. Giving your child a hug is a very physical way of saying how I value you and that you are important to me. They also express feelings of joy and pride.

It is clear that a hug can sometimes express a feeling better than words as it involves a sense of connecting in a special way. Children will quite often mention the concept of hugs from their parents in their writings.

 Every parent expresses their relationships with their child differently. Sometimes this is due to personality issues or perhaps an understanding of how they themselves were reared. Some parents are more demonstrative and others more reserved. There is no right or wrong way.

 It is just worth reflecting on the fact that children value hugs as a sign of being loved. They often tell me that a hug goes a long way in feeling less anxious.