How to understand and accept influences outside the family.

A child may seem like they in a cocoon for a few years after birth. After all we are the sole carers as parents and we have carefully nurtured and guided their development, socially, emotionally and intellectually. What a powerful influence we are when the child is in dependent stages. Parents should be proud of their work in those foundational years.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing. It's like, “move over mum and dad there are other influences in my life now and they are important!” This can be a confusing time for parents as the child talks about other families and focuses on building a strong relationship with their teacher.

A challenge for parents is when the child begins to mimic or quote values that are not consistent with the family values. They may be using different language which they hear at school or simply copying behaviour.

This is a natural for a child to reflect on other family values. Often play dates at other family's homes brings new influences into a child's life.

As a parent think about the following advise to help adjust to the child's broadening world.

Firstly do not show negative body language when you hear something that doesn't sit favourably with you. The child is just experimenting with different ways of being.

It is best to say,

“You are acting in a way that makes me a little sad. In our family we like to ….........”

Remember that the child likes and is comforted by the security of the home, but needs to feel that you are receptive to hearing about alternative ways of being. A child gets mixed messages if they are allowed to associate with children but have parents that present negatively to them.

As a family talk about how families are different.  When a child wants to talk about their friends or experiences, listen with interest and if there is some aspect that does not fit in your family values then discuss the difference and reinforce why you have different ways to operate as a family.

Attend school activities and having a presence in the classroom also shows the child that you  happy to be around all the children and the life of the school. This reassures them that everyone is acceptable on the part of your family. Once the child is at school, their world becomes so much bigger and there will be influences ever present. For the child it is all about testing the waters, recognising what works for them. This takes time and with careful support and not controlling the childs' world, they eventually make choices which are often based around their family values.

In working individually with children it was very evident that those children who came from families with a more open and accepting set of values,  were more inclined to make socially and emotionally based decisions.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing.

Who agrees with who in parenting?

Have you discovered since becoming a parent how different both parents can be when it comes to parenting styles? This is quite common in families.

In facilitating parent courses, it was quite common to hear parents say that their styles of parenting were quite different. Often it was based on how they were brought up as a child. This can be quite daunting for couples who think they are so compatible on so many levels!

Often we don't think about how we will react as a parent to a child's behaviour until it actually happens!

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child. After all, it is hard to change how your understand child rearing given your own journey as a child, be it positive or negative. The key approach is to simply agree that at times you will have different understandings of the problem at hand.  The child certainly knows this and no surprises that they gravitate around the parent that is less punitive and has more listening skills. After all, didn't we do that ourselves when growing up?

Consider the following points when managing parent issues:

• Both parents should talk to their child recognising that sometimes mum or dad may see matters differently and that this is normal.
• Agree that sometimes mum may deal with issues and sometimes dad. Of course all issues will be discussed as a family.
• What is most important is that the child does not side one parent off with the other. This is where it gets complicated. Children are very aware of how parents can have different opinions on matters pertaining to all sorts of things such as homework, staying out late, tidiness, etc.

Whoever deals with the issue should maintain the following:

• Listen effectively.
• Respond calmly and then actively listen to the concern.
• After agreeing to understand the issue start negotiating. In the negotiation stage, this is where parents may have different expectations and this is quite acceptable.
•  If both parents use this same approach, the child will feel that they have been dealt with fairly and consistently. They will also recognise that whilst parents have different expectations, they still listen and negotiate in the same way.

This topic was the cause of much discussion in my parent groups and we all agreed that sometimes it was better to let one parent deal with certain situations as they were less emotive or at least more familiar with the matter under discussion.

So in summary, parents should use the same method of working through the problem and negotiate with your interests or investments to be included.

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child.

Being still and really present to a child.

Remember the old saying, “children should be seen and not heard”. It should be more like “children should be seen and really heard in a deep and positive way.”

How hard is this to achieve when the family home is such a busy place with many competing interests across the week.

In my experience both in working as a Principal and as a Counsellor, really attending to a child when they have something important to talk about gives you optimum opportunity to really hear the problem and the child feels that they have been really heard.

I would often hear children say “my parents don't listen to me”. They are really saying that they do not have the real opportunity to be properly heard and that their feelings are given value and credibility.

Sometimes this can be done very simply and sometimes a family needs to coordinate a set time to have such engagements.

Being really present to the child involves giving all your time and attention to the child without distractions. It involves using warm, positive eye contact and listening without interrupting or showing body language that can be judgemental. It is about being calm, silent, steady and listening with an open heart.

By maintaining this state, the child feels that they have the space to keep talking and that it is a safe, respectful space, where they can say anything. After the child has said what they wanted to talk about you are in a privileged position to discuss what they had to say. This is without bias and without being too quick to judge.

This really deep form of listening opens up so many opportunities for the child. They feel so valued when the parents is truly present in conversations this way.

Doors close in conversation quickly when interruptions or changed body language occurs. As a parent, it is about finding that one on one time for your child. 

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions. Keep in mind that children gravitate around family members that calmly and respectfully listen. I believe this applies to all of us!

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions.

What makes an effective parent

Parenting well can be a tricky game. We all want the best in our parenting and yet we recognise that we are human and sometimes factors come into play that limit our capabilities to be what we recognise as the best parent.

The good news is that if handled well it is not that complicated.

The first and foremost factor in effective parenting is to be authentic with your child. This means being honest and realistic as to who you are and what you can capably achieve. They actually work this out at an early age themselves!

For example, you cannot attend a parent meeting because of work. “I am disappointed that I will miss that appointment. I will follow up with the teacher to see what I missed.”

Being authentic tells the child that what they see and hear from you is what they get.

Also, maintain a warm and affectionate relationship with your child. This means that listening well and not getting too judgemental when you hear about incidences that can be unsettling.

By listening well, you are showing sensitivity and respect for the needs and feelings of your child. This will mean that the child will engage with you more openly in the future.

Be a negotiator. When a child talks about issues they want addressing discuss options openly. Some may not be acceptable to you but somewhere through discussion, a way forward can be found.  “I am not feeling happy about you coming home that late. I can pick you up at ….... and in this way, you still get to see your friend”

Sometimes, confronting negative behaviour is necessary. Talk about it through an “ I” statement.  “I am disappointed that you.......”  “Let's discuss how we will now deal with the issue”

When dealing with the consequences try and engage the child in finding a way forward. “Do you have any suggestions regarding this matter in this incident?”

Remember it's all about restoring relationships when dealing with negative behaviour. It is about both parent and child understanding the behaviour and agreeing to an appropriate way forward.

Set boundaries for the child that are manageable for all the family. Discuss with the child the agreed boundaries and as time goes, discuss how they are working out as a family. Children need boundaries but will understand them better if they are given reasons for the boundaries.

“I need you home after school by 4:00 p.m as I believe that this is a reasonable and safe time to be home.”  or, “We cannot have any toys in the living room as people will trip and hurt themselves.” 

Finally, the child loves you unconditionally. For them to embrace you in your work as a parent, be natural, let then see how you are genuine. Make mistakes, acknowledge when you are wrong but above all let them see how you value a strong relationship with them.

I invite you as a parent to reflect on who you gravitated around as a child in your family.  I feel certain that it was the parent who listened unconditionally.

What makes an effective parent?

Technology, a challenge in family life.

As a school Principal and working with children through counselling over many years, I have seen how the growing passion for technology has skyrocketed with our young ones. Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents. They soon discover that it opens up a whole new world of connection with friends and the outside influences of the bigger world. This can occur as early as seven or eight years of age or even earlier!

At a primary age, they are definitely keen to network and feel valued in talking to friends through many of the social media tools that they can access.

It can't be stopped, but as parents, it is an area that does need monitoring.

Here are some practical suggestions to help the child through the minefield of managing technology as a young, vulnerable person. I liken it to a child driving a powerful truck. They understand how to drive the truck but do not have the skills to manage it.

• Discuss with your child where the computer should be situated in the house. The younger the child, the more visible should be the child using technology.
• Ensure that child safety blocking is placed on any computer, Ipads, phones etc. in the house.
• Attend a cyberbullying information session to learn about the legal age for children using certain social media. Often schools will facilitate such evenings, local community centres etc. It is best to attend one just as a parent as often information is given which can be quite daunting regarding the damage done to children through the inappropriate use of technology.
• Attend a session on cyberbullying with your child. This invites sound conversation together.
• Talk to your child about the use of chat media such as facebook, etc. Explain how everything written is kept in the Cloud and does not go away!

I have seen some parents draw up a contract with children on how technology will be used in the house. This is done at school with all students.

Keep the balance with family life. Active children engaged in sport etc. will be drawn to alternative ways to socialise and be active. This puts balance into their life and reduces concentrated hours in engaging with social media. Their social engagement is on the sports fields, stages, art classes etc.

Check the time children are using their computer and agree that there is a turn on and turn off time in the house. Of course, we need to give this example as a parent ourselves. Our modelling in using technology and teaching life balance is a critical factor in demonstrating to the child that technology is but one aspect of life.

As a family discuss technology and how it has influenced major changes in the world. Also, engage in conversations about its limitations.

Keep technology as visible as possible in the house and limit a child's time on their own using technology in the isolation of their bedroom. Remember the house is still seen as a technology friendly home.

Some parents have reconstructed their family living areas to make access and communal awareness of the use of technology.

Learn about how your child's school handles technology. Reading their technology policies gives you a strong indication of how good habits in technology are taught and managed.

Some final thoughts.

• Ensure the child knows that you value technology. Talk about it as a positive tool that has made such a difference to the world. However, as a tool, it can be used inappropriately and must be managed well.
• In the family, managing technology is an important rule which we talk about frequently, just as we discuss homework patterns etc.
• As a family, technology is just one part of our life as demonstrated by all the various activities we do as a family.
• Talk openly to your child about how you use technology in your life.
• Keep well informed on current information regarding the latest social media tools that are influencing children.
• Sometimes children will access inappropriate social media through visiting other homes. Discuss with these families your thoughts on this matter.
• Whilst you cannot control how other families use technology you can educate your child on its best use and invite them to feel comfortable in talking to you about how other homes operate with technology.
• Visit your child's classroom when they are using technology. This gives you a sound understanding of how technology is used in the classroom and an opportunity to chat at home about its use.
• Remember your home should develop a family communication style that enables a child to talk about technology comfortably.                        

Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents.

Routine leads to developing life habits.

Some people just love routine. Others struggle with keeping up the pace of routine. We are all different in managing our lifestyles. Whatever the style you have adopted, consider the fact that you are the modelling patterns for your child. I am referring now to regular attendance at school.

This is a pattern worth developing. The more a child values being in school each day, the better balance they have an understanding of routine. As a  Principal, it was not uncommon to see children unsettled returning into a  classroom later in the day or after several days absence. Of course illness etc. can interfere in regular attendance but attending school on time, each day provides stability and predictability for a child. They love routine and feel secure in knowing how their day will start. They are conscious of their relationships with their peers and understand how they destabilise when not regularly present at school.

All families are busy and have different and varied ways of operating. The size of the family, working parents, sick children etc. impact on how a family starts the day.

Attempting to make a good start each day demonstrates to the child that it has priority in family life and is valued.

Perhaps discussing as a family how this can best work and agreeing to morning routines may help.

Some parents set up a weekly chart and each day tick off their good habits in following morning routines. They even celebrate at the end of the week when it all went to routine. Whatever the method, the message to the child is that regular and punctual school attendance is strongly valued in their family.

Keep up the conversation at home about how morning routines are working. Of course, it will break down from time to time but it is all about imprinting in the child, the family value that consistent attendance at school is an important family value.    

Routine is important for a child, particularly school.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset when it comes to your child?

Have you ever noticed that you sound like your parents when talking to your child? Or perhaps you work hard to parent very differently from your parents? Whatever your style, consider developing a growth mindset in engaging with your child.

This is about being open to ideas that your child might suggest that are not consistent with how you normally operate. It can be trying new things that are different or just experimental moments as a family.

It's about accepting that mistakes occur and that it takes time effort and some risks to move forward.

A fixed mindset is about being reserved and not keen to take risks of any kind. Taking the predictable and certain route forward. It is about being safe and certain with regard to the outcomes. Your child will keep providing challenges for you and it is worth reflecting on what kind of a mindset you give to their suggestions.

When working with children who were keen to explore different ways of being, it was not uncommon to hear them say
“It won't work in my home” or “it's not worth taking that idea to mum.”

This suggests that they understand the fixed mindset of their parents and as such ideas and suggestions are not brought forward at home.

I suggest keeping an open model at home that encourages varied conversations and applauds new ideas and initiatives that may be worth exploring or at least discussing.

I suggest inviting your child to come up with suggestions for working through family matters.

"I really love new ideas.”

"Sometimes it's great doing things differently”

"Have you got some other ideas that might help?”

I know of one family who awards the child that has the most creative idea for the week.

Our children are growing up in a world where developing a growth mindset will give them the confidence to experiment, try new initiatives and fit into a very flexible world. Predictability may not be the order of the day.

By being open to including your child in family discussions and brainstorming, you are being consistent with how children learn at school. This method is called the Inquiry approach and children are encouraged to ask questions, try out ideas and explore options. This is how best they learn.

So consider the following:

• Be open to their suggestions.
• Keep an open mind on what they have to say.
• Encourage creativity.
• Applaud the effort not so much the result, and,
• Reward the interest in independent learning and thinking.

How's your mindset?

Keep it cool. A calm, steady parent wins the day!

When your children tell you something that might be a surprise or even a shock, be cool about it. Show them that you are very interested in what they said and would like to learn more. You may be really in shock, especially if it's of a big nature. Children will talk more to us about their issues if they think parents are calm and will listen. If they see a reaction, they are more inclined to shut down or not tell us at all.

Keep chatting about what is on their mind. They look for our reaction throughout the conversation.

A friend told me that her son informed her that when he was younger and moved to a secondary school he was offered drugs on his very first day. The horrified mother said that had she known, she would have been up to that school and sorted it out very quickly. The son,  (now twenty one years of age) said "and that mum is why I never told you". I suspect that if her son felt his parents would work through the issue calmly, he may have told them.

Our children will talk to us about serious matters if they know we listen with understanding. We are better equipped then to show empathy and work through the problem together. So be cool when chatting about matters that can be serious. This way you respect what they have to say without making early judgements.

When children talked to me about matters concerning them in the school setting, I  would usually begin by saying, "It sounds like you have a problem. Thanks for talking to me". This sets the scene for a calm discussion. 

How can you encourage your child to discuss serious subjects?

We all have different ways of seeing the world.

Every home is different. Every family operates at their own pace and in their own style. This is sometimes complicated by two parents who operate differently around their child when it comes to discipline, generosity etc.

It is hard to teach the children values when all around in other families are different scenarios. It is not uncommon to hear parents says that the pressure is on them as they do not approve of certain things that operate in other homes. For example, when to give a child an Ipad, what can they watch on television? How much free time do they have? Every family will have their own momentum which brings out the best and sometimes the worst with our children.

The best advice to give families is to include the following values when setting up arrangements in the family home.

• Firstly be consistent, if you have a rule, then doing your best in being consistent will show the child that the rule has value in your eyes.
• Listen with interest when they tell you how other children have more opportunities than themselves. Gently explain that you work under a different plan and that negotiation can be part of it as time moves on. For example, you may have rules about bedtime. As the child gets older, that rule can shift to suit the age of the child.
• Technology is a big challenge for parents and setting the rules around its use should be done so that the child is really clear how it works in their home.
• Have a family conference from time to time to look at the rules and conditions that have been set up. They may need some tweeking and this is chance to listen to your child about their desire for change.
• Sometimes putting reminders on fridges is a great way to freshen family values.
• Affirm the child for being part of the family arrangements which can change by negotiation.

I have heard of some families going out to celebrate a successful month in working on home matters. Teaching your child to be inclusive is all about being part of a team.

Whatever the plan in your home, keep in mind that the child should feel included, understood and valued. What you teach them by doing this is that their opinion matters as a family member.

Memories are lasting.

I often say to parents, imagine what you would like your children to say about you at their twenty-first birthday or even your funeral!

They will reflect on the longer picture of their life's journey with their family and have memories especially about how they were valued and heard. Think about your own images of how you were reared. I would imagine you will have a general image of how you were loved and generally how parents nurtured you. The little details often get lost in the wash. It is the general feeling of how parents loved and cared for you that counts. Sometimes we become so focused on the small daily problems without considering that a child just sees you as the overarching person looking after their well being. It is quite common in counseling students that they quickly refer to the general image they have of their parents." Yes mum understands me". " I can talk to dad as he listens." These images are being formed throughout their rearing. They just sense how they are being cared for through parent's overall manner with them.

Aspects like patience, understanding, peacefulness, sympathy are words I often hear from children who talk about their families. When a child feels vulnerable around their parents, perhaps over having been in trouble, their first anxiety is how they lose value in the eyes of the parents.

A great activity with children is to ask the child to draw their family as animals and talk about their character through the image of the animals. For example. some may draw an owl as they see their parents as wise. Some may draw a zebra as mum is always running and on the go. This could be a fun activity for all the family. Always keep in mind the big picture. This is all about the overall feeling a child has about how they are valued and nurtured.

The importance of the family village

We all should live in a village. By this I mean an environment that causes us to interact with and exposes us to all stages of life and many shapes and sizes of families.

Children need various models around them to teach them about different aspects of life. If you have the good fortune to have grandparents around, they become senior teachers for the children. Their stories are real examples of life, lived differently.

If in a family the child is exposed to the birth of a child, the death of a grandparent etc. the child starts to understand that life has a cycle and they see their part in it more clearly.

Listening to others that have different life experiences, gives them more insight into different opinions. It helps them to form judgements. In today's world we tend to shut out some of life's harsher aspects. We think that parenting is all about emotional protection from the more difficult aspects of life.

When counselling children it is evident that some children have a deeper awareness of life and others, a naivety which sometimes makes them vulnerable and lowers their resilience. To make children secure and socially capable, they need to gradually learn from various sources.

We have provided security for our children, but to make them aware of the broader aspects of life, consider the value of the village. Even the old lady next door may have a story to tell about her migration to Australia and how her journey was different.

It takes a Villiage