Never underestimate the values of friends for your children.

We all need friendship. There is something about developing friendships that goes well into our DNA. Children spend much of their early childhood and of course later working on developing friendship. There is much to learn as they go through the stages of discovering what they want and do not want from a friendship. They will go through the various stages of losing friends, being disappointed by them, regrouping etc. All of these experiences are natural and are necessary for a child to become discerning with others they choose to befriend.

Whatever stage they are in, friendship remains a high priority for the following reasons.

• It gives them a sense of who they think they are. They recognise in friends something of themselves as they talk about common interests etc.

• Friendship can be a special secret space where you talk to someone who can identify with your feelings.

• Friendship is a comforter. It gives you reassurance that you are connected to other people in a special way.

• Choosing your friends gives you a deeper sense of what you value and there is joy in talking with others who understand.

• Without developing friendships there can be a sense of isolation and personal loneliness. We need to share and find common grounds with those we like and enjoy being around.

All these thoughts remind us that in our isolation days children need to be in frequent contact with their friends. They just need to feel that warm sense of connection and hope that it is still alive in their relationship.

Keep your child talking to their friends. Encourage them to have regular contact through the internet, the phone etc. The more they talk to each other the happier they will be that friendship is still a strong part of their life. It hasn’t gone away.

Take care to be the encourager and not the enforcer of strict rules regarding the number of calls.  Talk to your child about their friends and enjoy the stories they tell you about them. Your interest in this matter gives them the reassurance they need that their friendships are valuable.

We are in extraordinary times and this means we need extraordinary approaches to maintain a healthy mindset. If you are finding yourself operating a little differently, with less focus on routine etc. this is not necessarily a bad thing. The new norm is the dawn of new ways of being for all the family. Embrace it!

“Good friends are hard to find,
Harder to leave and impossible to forget.”

— G Randolf

The importance of peers and friends

Never underestimate your importance as the parent in the life of your child. However, you do need to move over a little and allow space for your child's peers and friends. They are key to strengthening and reassuring your child in the important area of building self esteem and self worth.

Imagine a world where your only influences were your parents! A scarey thought!

What is central to a child's world is your acceptance and understanding of their friends and the outside influences they present to your family. Sometimes this can be quite challenging for parents particularly if your child chooses friends with a totally different perspective and perhaps different parenting experiences.

How you choose to respond will have an impact on your child. They will either be open and engaging with you, as you show acceptance of their choices, or they go underground and don't inform you as much about their movements. This often happens when the child does have independence around the age of later primary years.

How you choose to respond to your child’s friendships will have an impact them.

Your child will be anxious that you accept their choices of friends and look for your response and support. The following are suggestions to ensure that you still remain in charge but demonstrate how willing you are to respect their journey in finding friendships and understanding about friendships:

• Always listen to your child when they talk about their friends. Show interest by asking non invasive questions about how they enjoy their friendship.

“You seem to like playing with Tom. He is someone you spend quite some time with often.”

• When your child talks about let downs in friendship, ensure that you show empathy, but not offer strong opinions about the lost friend. Friendships come and go and children remember if you talk about others positively or negatively. This can make them very confused. So why talk to you about a friend that you have strong opinions about?

• Discuss your family friends and what makes you enjoy each other's company.

• Be open to inviting their friends to the house and although care and precaution is taken when your child is at another home, be positive for them and look forward to talking about the experience later.

• Be open to challenges in this area. If your child wants to do something with friends a little more adventurous, rather than dismissing the idea, talk it through. Can some compromise be reached where they feel that they have some choice in the matter?

• The key is to keep them open in conversation and engaged with you when talking about their friends. This will also include their losses and gains along the way. If they seek you out for counsel as to why the relationship didn't work, take care not to lay blame on the other child.

“Sometimes, a friend can grow and change in a different way to yourself.”

• Keep in mind that they see how you still value the other child when they are not your child's friend anymore.

• Be inclusive when you talk about friends.

• Talk positively about friendship even though at times people move on.

As the child grows and comes to understand friendship from more mature eyes, they will remember and value keeping you informed about their journey if they find that you are an effective listener, not quick to react and open to discussing problematic issues with an open mind.

In the school setting, children learn many lessons about friendships broken and made.

When working with children who felt their parents were very controlling about their world, they would sometimes talk about how their life at school with friends was so important to them.

When school friendships are discussed and carry on into family life, the child feels better connected. The key is simply to keep the doors open when it comes to their growth with friends.

The whole family will grow and often in surprising ways if you are inclusive, inviting and respectful of your child's choices of friends.

Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

Friends are such an important aspect of a child's feeling of self worth.

Do you have a friend? As an adult we have developed social skills that ensure that we can form friends. We are also socially mature enough to cope with disappointments and to not feel under valued when a friendship ceases. Not so with our children, especially in the primary years. This is a time when they are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship they see as a mark of emotional success.

Of course by nature of their development, the friendships will come and go and some will be sustainable, others will have bitter sharp endings which cause the child hurt and confusion.

This is about building social stamina and it also involves building resilience and a growing wisdom to accept the fall outs and to seek friends that make them happy without complications.

I found it interesting as a Principal that parents would naturally worry when their child transferred to our school, as they were concerned about how they would settle and form friends. In almost all cases, not only did the child settle but learnt very quickly how they were successful in forming new friends. This undoubtedly built their self esteem. The change of experience helped accelerate a better understanding of groups and friends.

 Consider the following thoughts about how to support your child through the rigours of finding friends:

• Remember, they are not your friends and even though a child may choose a friend that you have some doubts will be suitable, it is important that they work out the ups and downs of that relationship. You are there to discuss their friendship journey but cannot choose their friends.

• Take care not to talk negatively about their friends. This confuses the child and this is an encouragement for them to go underground and not tell you with whom they are associating. This was quite common in working with children to hear them say that as mum doesn't like a certain child, they just don't let them know that they spend time with them.

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their friendship experiences and when they invite you in to offer opinions, talk generally about what works and perhaps talk about the highs and lows of your journey with friends.

• Be open and invite their friends home no matter what you may think about their suitability. In this area you have an all inclusive policy.

• Take care when having birthday parties. Ensure that it is an inclusive list and not one ostracising children unduly.

• If a child talks about school related friendship issues, together with your child talk to the teacher so that sound strategies can be put in place.

• A careful “I” statement when a child talks about another child who has been unkind is worthwhile.“It sounds like they are not ready to be a good friend at the moment.” Take care here not to talk negatively about the other child.

• Never understate their upset feelings about failed relationships. Often they can have very strong unsettled feelings as it is about their sense of self worth.

Finally, a child must grow to own the responsibility of being in relationship with others. Parents can be great listeners, but the child must experience the journey of learning about relationship with all its disappointments and joys.  

This is a time when children are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship, they see as a mark of emotional success.

How to understand and accept influences outside the family.

A child may seem like they in a cocoon for a few years after birth. After all we are the sole carers as parents and we have carefully nurtured and guided their development, socially, emotionally and intellectually. What a powerful influence we are when the child is in dependent stages. Parents should be proud of their work in those foundational years.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing. It's like, “move over mum and dad there are other influences in my life now and they are important!” This can be a confusing time for parents as the child talks about other families and focuses on building a strong relationship with their teacher.

A challenge for parents is when the child begins to mimic or quote values that are not consistent with the family values. They may be using different language which they hear at school or simply copying behaviour.

This is a natural for a child to reflect on other family values. Often play dates at other family's homes brings new influences into a child's life.

As a parent think about the following advise to help adjust to the child's broadening world.

Firstly do not show negative body language when you hear something that doesn't sit favourably with you. The child is just experimenting with different ways of being.

It is best to say,

“You are acting in a way that makes me a little sad. In our family we like to ….........”

Remember that the child likes and is comforted by the security of the home, but needs to feel that you are receptive to hearing about alternative ways of being. A child gets mixed messages if they are allowed to associate with children but have parents that present negatively to them.

As a family talk about how families are different.  When a child wants to talk about their friends or experiences, listen with interest and if there is some aspect that does not fit in your family values then discuss the difference and reinforce why you have different ways to operate as a family.

Attend school activities and having a presence in the classroom also shows the child that you  happy to be around all the children and the life of the school. This reassures them that everyone is acceptable on the part of your family. Once the child is at school, their world becomes so much bigger and there will be influences ever present. For the child it is all about testing the waters, recognising what works for them. This takes time and with careful support and not controlling the childs' world, they eventually make choices which are often based around their family values.

In working individually with children it was very evident that those children who came from families with a more open and accepting set of values,  were more inclined to make socially and emotionally based decisions.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing.

The importance of the family village

We all should live in a village. By this I mean an environment that causes us to interact with and exposes us to all stages of life and many shapes and sizes of families.

Children need various models around them to teach them about different aspects of life. If you have the good fortune to have grandparents around, they become senior teachers for the children. Their stories are real examples of life, lived differently.

If in a family the child is exposed to the birth of a child, the death of a grandparent etc. the child starts to understand that life has a cycle and they see their part in it more clearly.

Listening to others that have different life experiences, gives them more insight into different opinions. It helps them to form judgements. In today's world we tend to shut out some of life's harsher aspects. We think that parenting is all about emotional protection from the more difficult aspects of life.

When counselling children it is evident that some children have a deeper awareness of life and others, a naivety which sometimes makes them vulnerable and lowers their resilience. To make children secure and socially capable, they need to gradually learn from various sources.

We have provided security for our children, but to make them aware of the broader aspects of life, consider the value of the village. Even the old lady next door may have a story to tell about her migration to Australia and how her journey was different.

It takes a Villiage