Child care verses home care before school commences for the child

How many parents worry themselves considerably about this matter when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers. On many occasions, I was asked by young parents if putting your child in a childcare before they go to school disadvantages them. Parents worry about whether staying home with your child before school gives them more nurture and sets them up to cope better with school. And so, the question is posed in different ways and parents question their decisions in their child’s early years.

How many parents worry themselves considerably about the matter of childcare when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers?

What I can tell you from my experience is that whatever mix the preschool child has, is more about providing them with balance and quality of care, be it home or childcare. There are clearly more opportunities with language and social development in a child care and kindergarten run well. Given that they are exposed to various families and hearing and using language all the time, a child will quickly adapt and use language with ease. Therefore, I can say that you can notice how children who have been to kindergarten and childcare centres have more social and language experiences.

However, those children who attend kindergartens and remain at home with a parent also appear calm and steady and have learnt a great deal from simply being with their most important model, the parent. Kindergarten gives the child many social experiences and they also learn how to engage with a variety of people.

After a few months settling into school both children who have had more time at home and those who have spent more early years at child care appear to show very little difference in their response to school.

We sometimes underestimate how adaptable our young children can be when given challenges. Teachers in the first few months in the first year of school, work on setting up routines and patterns in the classroom which the children are keen to follow. They are busy, full days and the differences between children’s preschool experiences fade as the months continue. Also, the first year of school is a time for children to find themselves socially and begin their focussed intellectual journey with formal reading, writing etc.

Of course, helping your child before starting school with reading stories, counting etc., is also supported at early childcare centres and Kindergartens. All early learning is gratefully appreciated and valued by the school.  A child’s formal learning which begins at school, puts them under a different pressure and whether your child has had more years at home doesn’t make a great deal of difference, once the child is settled at school. It may of course mean a great deal to you in being the supportive parent. That is a different matter.

This article is born out of my own observations and experience of many years observing children as they start school. What is important is that pre-schoolers have a balanced life with stimulus coming from parent input and other influences such as extended family, kindergartens, childcare etc. They need plenty of rest, tempered with challenges that engage them in a variety of ways. They need an environment where they can question, feel safe and challenge themselves. A combination of many experiences is the key to setting up your child for a successful start to school.

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.”

— Chinese Proverb

Our children can teach us so much.

Isn’t it wonderful how much joy we gain from watching our children? Their laughter, childhood ways, imagination and sense of fun give us life.

This article is inviting us to stop and reflect on how children are a source of joy. We can learn so much about the beauty of life through their eyes. After all, being an adult can be very boring. It can also drain our sense of fun and reduce our awareness of all that is life-giving around us.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life.

At school, it was my common practice that if I was a having a bad day, weighed down by various matters, I would take myself around to the classrooms, just to enjoy the chatter, humour and life in the classroom. It lifted my spirits and made me realise how much I can learn from children. Let’s consider our children’s youthfulness as a happy pill and one that puts us in a better mental framework.

Their simple wisdom, unshakeable love for their parents, innocence when it comes to seeing the best or worse in a situation, teaches us that sometimes we can adopt a lighter more manageable approach to life.

All that we understand can be seen from different, less judgemental eyes. All that we see can be understood with better understanding and more general acceptance. As children have their faith in those around them, they can teach us how not to lose hope and belief in others. They also teach us how to simplify understandings, taking out the anger and hurt.

Here are some thoughts that invite us to reflect on times with our children that can be beneficial for improving our spirit and disposition.

• Laugh with your children. See the funny side to their actions.

• Listen to their words. Often simply expressed but with powerful messages.

• Watch them play and join in to the experience. They often talk about all sorts of interesting things when playing. It is especially enjoyable listening to their chatter in a sandpit.

• Children love to draw. Watch them and talk about what their drawings are all about. As an adult doodling can be another form of drawing in a state of relaxation.

• Sing with your child. Some of the songs you will know and the repetition is often comforting.

• Enjoy the changing expressions on their faces and the interesting body language. These shift so regularly and are a key to how they are processing information.

• Let your child know that you learn from them.

“I love the way you use play dough. Can you show me how you created that shape?”

• Children have a different sense of time to busy adults. Perhaps we can adopt more time to things we enjoy doing and reduce the busy things we do that clutter the day.

• Allow them to be creative. This can go in many directions that will surprise you. Their creativity abounds in so many ways.

• Remind yourself by talking to your children about the fun parts of your childhood. What made you laugh and what drove your spirit.

This article invites the parent to simply enjoy the moments with their children and notice the unique childlike manner that is so attractive to them.

Time passes quickly and those moments where we learn about our child in their childhood become less and less as they grow older. My belief is that if we capture their joy, we will carry it with us and it will give us some positive feelings along the way.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life. Adopt a little of their liveliness and enjoy the day.

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

— Tom Stoppard

Being the best you can is often enough as a parent.

Are we looking for perfection in rearing our children? Do we question ourselves when we think our parenting was not good enough?

Perhaps we make judgements on how effective we are compared to friends, our parents, other family units. 

Do you think your parenting is not good enough?

Sometimes we make the call to be exceptional in our interactions and management of our children. Sometimes it is all too hard. We can be tired, unwell or preoccupied with other things to give parenting our one hundred percent attention.

What is worth considering is our very human condition. We are entitled and expected to be human and this comes with all its imperfections and warts whether we are a parent or not.

Once we start parenting we can sometimes have feelings of guilt if we are just not perfect enough. Perhaps we could have tried harder? Were we right in making that call?

I have some good news here. Children prefer the human in you. They feel more at ease when and if you make mistakes and are open about them. The trick here is to be honest with your child. Apologise when mistakes are made and be prepared to start again. Talk about how sometimes you are not good at things and occasionally you may find tasks hard. You actually have to work hard to be a parent sometimes! The child is wise enough and intuitively knows how you operate as a parent. Although they may see other models of parenting surrounding them, they are still comforted and reassured with their own parents.

Parenting is all about the effort and process you use and the sincerity in which you interact with your child.

 In working with children, teachers are very keen to articulate when they make a mistake. They see this as a chance to teach a child that making mistakes, being imperfect is a natural way to understand the human condition. The quality of teaching improves when teachers feel relaxed about talking about their imperfections to their children. There is real value in a teacher’s honesty with their class.

The emotional growth of a child also is influenced by their ability to interpret situations especially human actions.  

 Consider the following:

• Your human face is part of your charm. Don’t hide it from your child. Let them see the real you.

• There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is an ongoing process in which we keep working with our children, weaving in and out of situations that morph into different scenarios.

• Children expect and deserve to see you in all your glory and this comes with some ordinary moments as well. They, in fact, love the ordinary in you!

• Sometimes good is good enough and as a parent, you need to understand that nurturing yourself improves parenting. This may involve giving less time to your family and some more time to yourself. This also teaches the child that you value yourself. To be a more successful parent is about being a happier adult where your well being is valued.

Carrying feelings of guilt around with regard to not being a satisfactory parent only unsettles a child who loves you unconditionally for who you are all the time. 

Keep the happy levels up in parenting no matter how you think you perform. Focussing on underachievement and comparisons in this area of parenting only fuels further discontentment with yourself and the child.

Nurture and love of your child is not always linked to being successful in every area of parenting. The most important person who realises this is your child.

 The message is simple. You are doing the best you can do and learn to love the journey along the way.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins