The more your child develops their independence by relying less on others and more on themselves, the more they become inclined to set their own personal goals with confidence and determination. In her insightful discussion, Gail Smith shares some practical and effective suggestions to help your child in this important area of growth and self-discovery.
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Read MoreIt is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts. We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.
Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.
When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.
When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.
Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.
“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”
Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.
Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:
“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.
The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.
Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.
What number do they give the doubt?
Set a small goal.
“I will try my best and just get to the end.”
It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.
Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.
In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.
Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.
“Successful people have fears.
Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.
They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”
T Harv Eker.
It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence
Is setting goals something that you do during your week?
Indirectly or directly we are always planning ahead and we understand that in order to achieve certain outcomes by the end of the week, we need to complete some goals. For example, if we want to have a special dinner party on the weekend, we know that we need to plan the menu, purchase items, etc. Sometimes, we are unaware that we actually set goals for ourselves. We become very efficient at processing how to get our needs met. This article is about helping our child to value the planning process and to recognise how setting goals gives us better control of ourselves and helps us in self discipline.
At the beginning of the week ask the child what they would like to achieve perhaps at school by the end of the week. Once they give some indication of what they would like to achieve, talk about setting a pathway to get to that point. For example, your child may be really keen to play soccer after school on Thursday. That is their goal. Tell them that this is a goal. Ask them what do they need to do before they can achieve that goal? Perhaps it is complete homework, do a few chores, exercise etc. Here we are simply encouraging the child to set realistic goals. When they achieve their goals, they gain the satisfaction of celebrating their contributions. They also own the process of achieving their goal.
Teachers are very well aware that when a child sets goals in their work, they discuss with them the steps to be taken to reach that goal. For example, if a child wants their spelling to improve they may set up a plan to learn words each night, get parents to hear them, etc. They design and own the strategies to achieve their goal and that gives them all the satisfaction. Also they learn to evaluate their steps and next time become more astute in choosing the best path to achieve their goals.
As a parent, encourage your child to set simple goals. This could be with regard to home or school. Encourage them to plan out how they will achieve their goal. Make it simple as we are teaching the child the value of setting goals and hoping that they become conditioned to doing it more regularly.
In working with children who were showing some anxiety about school work, I would first ask them to be clear about what aspects of their work were causing them some issues. I would then ask them to talk about strategies they had used in the past or would like to use to set the goal of feeling better about their work. Once they thought about it, I was amazed how they took more control of their problem. They were starting to control their anxiety.
As a parent, we can help by just listening and discussing their strategies to achieve their goal. Talking to them about your own personal goals and how you set them up will help them reflect on the positive impact goal setting had in your life.
Encourage them along the way. Listen, affirm and applaud them when they have a go to achieve a goal. Remember, the point of this exercise is training children to value setting goals as a means to achieve their ends. The motivation behind setting the goal and finding strategies to achieve that goal is a key driver throughout this process.
“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes”.
Andrew Carnegie
As a parent, we can help our children achieve their goals by listening and discussing their strategies. Teaching goal setting at a young age will greatly benefit our children right through to adulthood and beyond.