Keep it cool. A calm, steady parent wins the day!

When your children tell you something that might be a surprise or even a shock, be cool about it. Show them that you are very interested in what they said and would like to learn more. You may be really in shock, especially if it's of a big nature. Children will talk more to us about their issues if they think parents are calm and will listen. If they see a reaction, they are more inclined to shut down or not tell us at all.

Keep chatting about what is on their mind. They look for our reaction throughout the conversation.

A friend told me that her son informed her that when he was younger and moved to a secondary school he was offered drugs on his very first day. The horrified mother said that had she known, she would have been up to that school and sorted it out very quickly. The son,  (now twenty one years of age) said "and that mum is why I never told you". I suspect that if her son felt his parents would work through the issue calmly, he may have told them.

Our children will talk to us about serious matters if they know we listen with understanding. We are better equipped then to show empathy and work through the problem together. So be cool when chatting about matters that can be serious. This way you respect what they have to say without making early judgements.

When children talked to me about matters concerning them in the school setting, I  would usually begin by saying, "It sounds like you have a problem. Thanks for talking to me". This sets the scene for a calm discussion. 

How can you encourage your child to discuss serious subjects?

Have you ever just sat and played with sand?

We have found that children whose emotions rise high can easily calm down just simply sitting and immersing themselves in sand. This is so successful in our school setting that many teachers request a sand tray for their class rooms!. The therapy is very effective and so simple to set up. A child who is angry still needs some support in regulating his or her emotions. The calm distraction of the sand tray works magic!

I would recommend having a tray at home especially if you have a young child who cannot articulate their feelings and who are prone to building up anger very quickly. I find that as the child calms down, talking to the child gently is a way for them to gradually talk about their frustrations and regulate their emotions. Also playing with them in the sand tray gives them a  shared experience with the parent.These sand trays are wonderful also for children on the spectrum who have difficulty in expressing themselves. Sometimes a child will create images in the sand that express their feelings. This makes it easier to talk to them specifically about their problems. Sometimes just simply playing with the sand is therapeutic and regulates high emotions.

Many well stocked educational shops will have the sand that is suitable for this sand tray.

In my office sat a very well used sand tray! 

Simply playing in the sand can reduce stress.

Weigh it up

Children really enjoy using practical tools to help reflect on their feelings. They enjoy touching and feeling objects and working in practical ways.

Try using your scales at home. Collect a few pebbles. The child, when chatting about their problems, can put a pebble on the scale.

"Hmm that's a heavy problem?"

As the pebbles mount, talk about how these problems just weigh you down. Then invite them to talk about happy experiences that may lighten their load. Put these pebbles on the other side of the scale. Talk about times when they were able to solve their problems. 

Sometimes just putting the pebbles on the problem side is enough. As you talk about what can take that problem away, you remove the pebbles and comment on how things seem lighter.

" It seems you worked out how to solve that problem."

When I have used this activity with children they are often keen to paint faces on the rocks to express their feelings. This could be an activity to do with them before you use the scales. 

There are many variations of this idea. For example, putting the rocks in a bag and just feeling the weight.

"Problems can be heavy can't they?"

The principle is about children reflecting on lightening their load. It is amazing how such a practical and simple activity can make a difference with the younger child. In a child's mind, problems just mount throughout the week and can quickly seem insurmountable. Many of these problems can melt away quickly with such a simple activity and positive talk. Sometimes a child will just play with the rocks and talk about their problems.

There's easy strategies to help lighten your childs load.

We all have different ways of seeing the world.

Every home is different. Every family operates at their own pace and in their own style. This is sometimes complicated by two parents who operate differently around their child when it comes to discipline, generosity etc.

It is hard to teach the children values when all around in other families are different scenarios. It is not uncommon to hear parents says that the pressure is on them as they do not approve of certain things that operate in other homes. For example, when to give a child an Ipad, what can they watch on television? How much free time do they have? Every family will have their own momentum which brings out the best and sometimes the worst with our children.

The best advice to give families is to include the following values when setting up arrangements in the family home.

• Firstly be consistent, if you have a rule, then doing your best in being consistent will show the child that the rule has value in your eyes.
• Listen with interest when they tell you how other children have more opportunities than themselves. Gently explain that you work under a different plan and that negotiation can be part of it as time moves on. For example, you may have rules about bedtime. As the child gets older, that rule can shift to suit the age of the child.
• Technology is a big challenge for parents and setting the rules around its use should be done so that the child is really clear how it works in their home.
• Have a family conference from time to time to look at the rules and conditions that have been set up. They may need some tweeking and this is chance to listen to your child about their desire for change.
• Sometimes putting reminders on fridges is a great way to freshen family values.
• Affirm the child for being part of the family arrangements which can change by negotiation.

I have heard of some families going out to celebrate a successful month in working on home matters. Teaching your child to be inclusive is all about being part of a team.

Whatever the plan in your home, keep in mind that the child should feel included, understood and valued. What you teach them by doing this is that their opinion matters as a family member.

Creating space can be a life saver

Teachers know this trick very well. They use it often throughout the school day

For them, it is all about the value of creating space when things get too heated in the classroom.

When you experience tension at home in dealing with issues or you can sense that eruptions are about to occur after a build up of tension between the child and yourself, or child to child, the best solution is to walk away from it and create some positive space.

This could be through a walk, a change of rooms, exercise etc. Getting outdoors is a great refresh button. It is all about creating psychological space so that the heightened tension drops down a  notch or too.

Don't underestimate the value of just resting from the tension. Teachers will often take their children outside for a run or a quick game to break the cycle and this certainly makes everyone more at ease. It is a simple solution as a stress buster but highly effective.

In Japan, it is quite common that office workers will stand from their seats, stretch and exercise on a regular basis to freshen their mindset and get their circulation going.

Creating this space means that when you get back to facing the issue, you are better equipped to handle the situation calmly and with reason.

 Just a simple break can lower the tension and raise positive vibes.

The benefits of a simple break can reaise positive vibes

Be snap happy.

All children love a game of snap. It is so easy to play and much fun in the process.  Ask the child at home to  write on pieces of cardboard, the feelings that are important to them. For example, they could be happy, excited, feel anger sometimes etc. Also write feelings that sometimes can interfere on happy feelings such as sad, embarrassed angry, hurt, worried. Make up two sets of cards and tell the child that when they snap, they talk about that feeling and how best to manage it.

This is an excellent  way to enjoy talking about feelings that from time to time unsettle the child. Discussing the feeling through the game, puts the feeling out in the open and parents can talk about how they dealt with their feelings. The game enables everyone to openly discuss feelings and in the midst of it, the child  talks freely about emotions that we all share. Getting it out in the open is such a great way of understanding the human face of emotions.

Sometimes when a new emotion appears, for example, shyness suggest we could add this feeling to our cards. Counselors often use card games as a way of getting conversation started.

Discussing feeling through a game, helps to draw feeling out into the open.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Sometimes younger children struggle to understand how to deal with a situation that can overwhelm them. This could be about finding friends or it could be trying to work out how to play with other children. One way to help a child is to simply draw the story. How best to play, for example. The first page shows the child meeting the friend. The second page may show them greeting the child and the third page could be about what to say such as, "can I play with you?".

The story unfolds through the simple pictures. Keep the pictures and story simple. We call this a social story and they work very well with children who cannot respond well to just being told what to do.  Some children do not process the problem easily through discussion.

I have used this with many a child and they love telling the story through the pictures. The child especially enjoys telling you how successful they were when they went through the process and followed the picture book. A social story can change if you find it needs a new direction. Children learn through visual images and when they are emotional about matters, pictures speak a thousand words. Simple drawings can say many unspoken words which gives the child a chance to express their feelings comfortably. To help a young child, the parents can draw their own social story to help the child understand the value of the pictures.

How can we help our children through a simple drawing?

Be alert but not alarmed... the quiet child..

Quiet children are clever. In some cases, they have learnt the art of not discussing their issues at home. There can be a variety of reasons for this, but one common reason which is evident through counseling is that sometimes parents are great talkers and the child cannot compete, especially if parents have a strong personality. Children stay quiet because it is too hard to compete in conversation.  Also, they feel safe as they are not failing to say the wrong thing.

When you listen to a child, be still and give eye contact. This gives them emotional space to process their thoughts. Talking to them with a gentle, calm voice reassures them that there will be no reaction to what they say and how they say it. Often finding a quiet space perhaps before bed, gives the child more opportunities to talk about their day.

I recently walked past a group of boys very actively engaged in conversation with each other. As I turned to notice them I was surprised that the ring leader who had much to say was a little boy who does not talk much with his family. In fact, he was receiving counselling for his quiet disposition. He smiled at me looking somewhat coy and said, " Yes Mrs Smith. You see I can talk when I want too".

Children engage better with us if they are not overwhelmed by our style of parenting or expect a reaction. Gentle always wins the day. 

Memories are lasting.

I often say to parents, imagine what you would like your children to say about you at their twenty-first birthday or even your funeral!

They will reflect on the longer picture of their life's journey with their family and have memories especially about how they were valued and heard. Think about your own images of how you were reared. I would imagine you will have a general image of how you were loved and generally how parents nurtured you. The little details often get lost in the wash. It is the general feeling of how parents loved and cared for you that counts. Sometimes we become so focused on the small daily problems without considering that a child just sees you as the overarching person looking after their well being. It is quite common in counseling students that they quickly refer to the general image they have of their parents." Yes mum understands me". " I can talk to dad as he listens." These images are being formed throughout their rearing. They just sense how they are being cared for through parent's overall manner with them.

Aspects like patience, understanding, peacefulness, sympathy are words I often hear from children who talk about their families. When a child feels vulnerable around their parents, perhaps over having been in trouble, their first anxiety is how they lose value in the eyes of the parents.

A great activity with children is to ask the child to draw their family as animals and talk about their character through the image of the animals. For example. some may draw an owl as they see their parents as wise. Some may draw a zebra as mum is always running and on the go. This could be a fun activity for all the family. Always keep in mind the big picture. This is all about the overall feeling a child has about how they are valued and nurtured.

How is your environment at home?

Have you ever been in a home that is cluttered, or perhaps so tidy you are scared to move? Have you been in a house where there are many precious items around which can break easily? We all have our own personal way in which we design and enjoy our home space. Research tells us that we all respond differently to space and in the case of our children, this is definitely the case. 

Is our home designed to allow children to move freely or is it too precious and less relaxed in the layout? Is your home a source of anxiety for you when children are around? Are there aspects of your house where family gather and at the same time they can have a quiet spot for doing homework?.

There are simple changes to layout with furniture etc. that can be made to suit happy family living. Consider the noise levels in the home, especially with the location of televisions etc.  Our anxiety does increase if our home is not set up to comfortably work around a family.

Needs change of course as the children get older.I believe there is value in involving the child in decisions which effect their movement in and around a home. Usually, younger children want to be close to their parents. As they grow, they need their own space and certainly value their own room where possible.

Remember, how we move and operate in that house is teaching our children many values. I always remember a child asking me to visit their home but to remember to take off my shoes at the door as mum would like that! I brought slippers!

Quick fixes for stressful moments

Ever felt ready to explode? Stress creeps up on us easily and gradually reduces our capacity to effectively manage situations. Children can inadvertently create this stress in us by a series of actions that just seem to keep mounting. They may be simple actions such as not listening, creating a mess, fighting with siblings etc. If we build up this feeling of, "I am over it!” we can explode with far too much reaction and sometimes the child does not see the problem in the same degree as yourself. This causes further deterioration of relationship.

The first step is to recognize how explosive the situation is becoming. Register in your mind that it is for example, eight out of ten and this means it can only get worse. Now take several deep breaths and realize that by changing the situation at this point, everyone feels better.

This can happen through taking a walk together, listening to music, going on a bike ride etc. The activity is not so important as the concept of the physical break from the intensity of the situation.

Exercise is great for everyone when stress is high. The principle here is that breaking from the situation brings down the anxiety and the likelihood of major crisis reduces. This technique is often used in classes as teachers will take their students out for a run on the oval as a break and a chance to refresh their thinking. The exercise and break totally changes the dynamics in the classroom. It is often said to older people if you don't use it, you lose it.

I would say the more active you become the less likelihood of losing your cool.

A house of happy thoughts

Have some fun with your children and at the same time reinforce positive thoughts that you are having about your child.

Children thrive on reassurance and combined with the element of surprise, they feel quite excited and anticipate what is next. It becomes a very pleasant game of reassurance. In a child's bedroom, for example, write little affirming messages and scatter them in different places - under the pillow could be a message, "you have such a great smile.” Perhaps in their kitchen mug the words "thanks for helping me today.”

The messages can be put in a variety of spaces around the house and of course can change to suit the occasion. A surprise note in the school lunch box or school bag is a wonderful warm and reassuring feeling for a child during the school day. The fact that there is a written statement about a positive aspect of the child, builds their sense of self worth and reminds them that they are valued. Some children may keep the notes and paste them in a book which is handy to read from time to time. Children will often write loving notes to parents and this is our way of doing the same.

I often bring a child into my office and together we guess where I have left my note! No surprises that they find it very fast!

The importance of the family village

We all should live in a village. By this I mean an environment that causes us to interact with and exposes us to all stages of life and many shapes and sizes of families.

Children need various models around them to teach them about different aspects of life. If you have the good fortune to have grandparents around, they become senior teachers for the children. Their stories are real examples of life, lived differently.

If in a family the child is exposed to the birth of a child, the death of a grandparent etc. the child starts to understand that life has a cycle and they see their part in it more clearly.

Listening to others that have different life experiences, gives them more insight into different opinions. It helps them to form judgements. In today's world we tend to shut out some of life's harsher aspects. We think that parenting is all about emotional protection from the more difficult aspects of life.

When counselling children it is evident that some children have a deeper awareness of life and others, a naivety which sometimes makes them vulnerable and lowers their resilience. To make children secure and socially capable, they need to gradually learn from various sources.

We have provided security for our children, but to make them aware of the broader aspects of life, consider the value of the village. Even the old lady next door may have a story to tell about her migration to Australia and how her journey was different.

It takes a Villiage

Lock it up and forget about it

This is an activity to help children deal with small anxieties.

I would only use this if the problem was a simple one.  I have used this method with children who enjoy the practical act of locking up their problems.

We then throw away the key. Great fun! A little bit of theatre is a good thing.

It is all about getting the child to imagine that the problem cannot return . We have control over managing the problem. It is all in our control and we choose to remove the problem

I remember several years ago using this activity with a child. When I spoke to her as a teenager, she told me how she imagined locking away her problems and this strategy still helped her with issues. The key remained a big focus in her mind.

I have seen this work with burying the problem that is written on paper or ripping it up. It is about finding a practical and reasonable way of disposing of the anxious thought.

words words words.... sometimes just too much

Teachers are well aware that when they talk to a child especially after an issue, the child only absorbs some aspects of what they are saying particularly if anxiety kicks in.

In my experience you need to tap into them to see if they understood what you say. I always remember a child saying to me after a lengthy conversation about what went wrong "Yeh I don't know what you said, so I guess I am in trouble?' 

Try to keep explanations of what went wrong in simple language. They may hear the beginning of the sentence, feel anxious and not hear the rest. As adults we do this too. Our body goes into protection mode when we are being attacked verbally.

Keep sentences simple and clear

"I need to talk to you about......" 

"Do you remember when.........?"

Always build in some positives. "Thanks for understanding. Now together we can work on the problem." This tells them that although something is wrong, it is restorative and relationships stay in tact.

Children need reassurance even when discussing the hard matters. Using a quieter less stressed voice is also helpful as children read our vibes very quickly.

A hug a day goes a long way

It is amazing how simple things have such an impact.

When I do activities with students which involve listing the things that make them feel secure, they always come up with the importance of a hug from their parents. Giving your child a hug is a very physical way of saying how I value you and that you are important to me. They also express feelings of joy and pride.

It is clear that a hug can sometimes express a feeling better than words as it involves a sense of connecting in a special way. Children will quite often mention the concept of hugs from their parents in their writings.

 Every parent expresses their relationships with their child differently. Sometimes this is due to personality issues or perhaps an understanding of how they themselves were reared. Some parents are more demonstrative and others more reserved. There is no right or wrong way.

 It is just worth reflecting on the fact that children value hugs as a sign of being loved. They often tell me that a hug goes a long way in feeling less anxious.

Being in Partnership with the School

In my experience, when families are in strong and trusting relationship with the school, the child feels secure and happy that all are on board with them.

Suggestions for a strong relationship:

• Ensure that the class teacher knows who are the immediate members of your child’s extended family.

• Ensure that contact emergency numbers are accurate and updated when necessary.

•When significant events occur in your family, especially if this involves anxiety for the child, please inform your teacher.

•Ensure that the school knows when your child will be absent. You should phone the office to advise of your child’s absence and the office staff will notify the classroom teacher. This can also be done in advance, via a note to the teacher.

•Please ensure any envelopes sent to school are clearly marked with your child's name, class and subject.

•Talk to staff and ensure all your questions are answered. Staff will respond to emails. It is most important to ask the questions rather than build up anxiety about what you do not know.

•Assist your child with homework requirements. This of course, does not mean doing the homework yourself, but it may involve rearranging life after school to ensure they have enough time to do the work.

•Where possible connect your child’s learning to family events.

•There are several groups that operate within a school and if possible it is worth joining them.

Ten tips to a great start at school

1. Ensure the children have plenty of sleep. This gives them the best start to stay focused during the day.

2. Consider the diet of the child for lunch and snack. Not too heavy and low in sugar.

3. Have a presence of school at home. This could be notes on fridges, awards on walls, diary dates included in family calendars etc. The more the child feels that home connects to the school, the better.

4. Discuss the school uniform (if applicable) and what day they wear their sports gear. Discuss their involvement in getting ready each morning.

5. Let them carry their own bags to school. It is all about their ownership of their learning.

6. Read some of the school newsletter to them. This gives them a chance to talk to you about school events that effect them directly.

7. Not too many questions at the beginning of the year. This can be overwhelming as children think they need to have positive answers. Wait until they talk to you about their school day. Keep reinforcing how much you value the teacher. They like being reassured that their home and school is strongly connected.

8. Try to arrive at school on time or at least a few minutes early. This gives the child a chance to chat with their teacher about any pressing matters on their mind.

9. Always reassure your child that you will pick them up and on time. This reminder just gives them an added sense of security as the school days can be long.

10. Involve the whole family in discussion about the child’s school. Young children like to feel that school is valued by all those that are close to them.

How do you give your children the best start at school?

Getting Started at School

You have already taught them many experiences and they have learnt from your own life journey over the past few years. You have taught them to walk, speak, toilet train, etc. and they are now ready to take on the new adventure of formal learning.

I stress ‘formal’, as to date, so much incidental learning has been in operation in and around your child. Never underestimate the amount of learning that has already been acquired. This has happened through your modelling, through incidental experiences and exposure to the real world.

The journey now widens and children will experience exposure to new thinking in a classroom of children and also be exposed to a set of values through the school system.

As parents you are significant partners in the education of your child. You are the primary educators. The school complements your valuable work.

Together with the school you journey with your child through the next seven Primary years of their education. During this time there will be many adventures, joys, mishaps and above all powerful learning experiences.

It is important to trust your educators and to feel connected to them when it is important to talk about matters. Teachers appreciate that they are only part of a child’s education.

Parental influence is strong in shaping the work a school does. Relationship with your teacher and school is a key factor in ensuring a happy, well adjusted child in the school setting.

Helpful Hints to get you started at school

Always be on time - This is important to give children a sense of continuity and to let them know that you value the importance of being on time. Children can feel uncomfortable walking into classrooms late.

Be in touch - Teachers need to be aware of any changes in family life. This is important given the impact that family life can have on a successful school environment.

Teachers appreciate correspondence from parents - in the form of emails, notes and conversations. Check with your teacher to ensure when best to talk to them. It maybe necessary to make a formal appointment to see your teacher. Otherwise talking to your teacher after school at the appropriate time is acceptable. Teachers will let you know what nights are inappropriate for meeting as they have several formal meetings after school throughout the week.

Developing independence - Independent research indicates that the more children grow in independence, the greater capacity they have to learn. Giving greater independence to children can be difficult for some parents.

I believe that gradual development of independent skills gives children more self-assurance and an ability to take risks, own their problems and build personal stamina.