Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

How to get rid of that blue feeling

It’s hard to keep the mood positive all the time, even with children. They get quite crowded with thoughts and desires and sometimes struggle to put order into their life.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day. When this occurs, there is a simple and easy way to lift that spirit and most importantly to give the child strategies to help them control their moods. Remember what you are doing here is teaching your child how to manage themselves better from time to time.

Suggest that they write a list of activities or things that makes them feel happy. This could include everything from Lego to dolls to playing games etc. The point of this exercise is to discuss the list of suggestions that can very quickly shift a mood or temperament.

Put the list somewhere visible and discuss the possibility of engaging in some of these activities or simply discussing the fun and joy they receive from them.

The purpose of this exercise is to give the child a way out of thinking moody thoughts. It is about enlightening them on the positive and distracting their negative feelings. Keep the list visible for a while and suggest that the list should be upgraded from time to time especially when new experiences come into play.

When working with children it was quite common practice that they would write down activities or resources that made then feel good. It acted as a distraction to lower sad feelings and it also proved an excellent vehicle to talk about what was valuable in their life.

Children generally like to write or draw their feelings and so it is not an uncommon way to express themselves. A younger child without writing skills can of course simply draw the things that make them feel happy.

A good modelling technique is to demonstrate to your child that when you are feeling low you write a list of things that make you feel better. This modelling is a great example to them that you use similar strategies to deal with mood swings.

 A little bit of distraction can go along way to redirecting feelings.

“Start writing no matter what. The water does not not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

—  Louis D’Amour.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day.

What time is the right time?

Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child. As a counselor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level. In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc. 

A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.

If you are planning a  special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher.

It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.

Chose the right time for a meaningful activity with your child.

Siblings can get in the way of each other

Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?

This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.

I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.

However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

 The following ways may be helpful:

•  Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.

• Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.

• If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.

• Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.

• Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.

Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as  a mentor and mediator.

Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.

One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

Enjoying the moment with your child

How time passes when we simply don't notice the uniqueness of our child, the journey of their growth or their shift from childhood into adolescence, from adolescence into adulthood. This article merely touches on the value of stopping to smell the roses and enjoy the moment with the child.

We are very explicit with our families in terms of the things that we want to pay attention to and these are often around functional and aspirational things. For example, achieving at school, playing sport, doing homework etc. We are all keen to put emphasis on very typical aspects of our life which are common in many families. We expect to be attentive and reflective around such important issues.

What is unique are the individual moments to be shared with your child as they develop over the years. For example, if you bike ride with your child, stop for a minute and reflect on how joyous that experience is for all of you. When you sing a song together, set the kitchen table together, watch a humorous movie together,  these are all times to reflect on that special moment that is a snap shot of your life together. It is difficult for parents with young children to imagine their child older, more independent. Time passes and this comes around quicker than we can imagine. Ask any parent whose last child is leaving primary school! A great way of understanding the preciousness of the moment is to look back on photos. Here we easily stop and reflect on that scene and contemplate how things have changed.

We cannot suspend time, but there is some evidence that time accelerates in our mind when everything is going well. Try to simply take some time to enjoy the moment whether it be watching your child in a classroom, sports field, play ground etc and reflect on the joy of that moment. Being more in harmony with the uniqueness of the present moment makes for a calmer disposition all round.

 Here are a few thoughts to get you in a reflective mindset.

• Take a big breath and just look around.

• Look for the lighter side of the moment.

• Tell yourself why this is special.

• Pretend you are snapping a photo of that moment and remind yourself why?

“If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you are in?”

— HPLYRIKZ.com

Getting the most out of time together

As parents we work hard to give our children fulfilling experiences. However, I challenge you to go outside the norm and give everyone in the family an exceptional and challenging experience. This is the stuff that makes for future stories and great memories when you take yourself out of the ordinary and into the unknown. For example, how about an adventurous and challenging hike?

If you are a family that has a focus on one sport activity, put it aside for a while and do something quite different.

I always remember the reaction when I put to the school parents that we would take our seniors to Canberra for the first time. The anticipation, the anxiety of some parents was high, but what an adventure we all had. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of other school camps over the years. However, this took us well out of our comfort zones. I know that the children still have fond memories including staff and that was several years ago.

Consider the adventure and challenge in your plan. There is often a much greater need to depend on each other in more demanding circumstances and this leads to stronger bonds between family members.

Why not simply talk about it as a family and together plan something that will literally present some challenges, create new experiences and bring you all into new territory together.

As a family when our children were teenagers, we charted a yacht and sailed around Tahiti. This was a little scary but it still is a source of much conversation and enjoyment when reliving the occasion.

In order to strengthen bonds in family, it is worthwhile considering some new experience that requires developing new skills. Plan it together. The more the children are involved in the organising, the better for all. It can even raise anxiety a little but ultimately it is a shared experience unique to you as a family.

“FAMILY…

We may not have it all together

But together we have it all.”

— Unknown

Create new experiences that bring your family into new territory together.

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.

Learning about what to have and how to live without ownership of everything.

What a difficult lesson it is to teach our children that we do not need to own everything. This is tricky, especially when so many other children around them seem to have so much more. 

“Strive to have access to things. Not ownership of them. Possess something and it possesses you.”

— “Keep Life Simple Therapy”, Linus Mundy.

This certainly touches on family values and how a child understands what is possible and not possible in their family setting. It is about teaching the child that we live within our means. Living within your means can be taught quite well to the child.

In my experience families that play together, laugh together, talk together, physically exercise together, bike ride, walk in parks, play formal games like Monopoly etc., demonstrate to their children that there are many ways to access things but not own them. The more motivated they are with regard to accessing what is available for them, the greater appreciation they develop about what is around.

Also families can talk about their finances and what constitutes living in their means. This is such a worthwhile life lesson to teach children. In today's world, where financial transactions take place with credit cards etc. children do not get a visual understanding of cost.

Below are some useful tips in giving children a better understanding of appreciating things but not feeling unsatisfied if not owning some goods.

•  This is about the whole family setting family limits and discussing how their budget works perhaps across  a week. Best to keep it short and it can be in simple terms. It is about getting the child to reflect on the cost of living.

• Celebrating all the opportunities where the family can access things as opposed to owning them. For example as mentioned above utilising all the natural resources available in the area.

• Encourage the child to research the price of items. This is great for their Maths but also gets them to understand the value of goods.

• If a child has pocket money, then teaching them to save for a special item gives them pleasure in their efforts. Grandparents are great supports in quickly building up their resources.

• As a family, budget for one special item and tap into how that is going over time.

• Birthdays or Christmas are a great occasion for a child to receive something special. The waiting till the occasion has arrived is teaching the lesson of patience as well as placing more value on the gift.

• Encourage the child to write thank you cards when given something special. This helps them reflect on the effort on the part of the giver.

• Tell stories of your childhood and the excitement of waiting for gifts etc. Perhaps you had a paper round or worked to earn small amounts of money. Talk about the joy you felt when the effort was rewarded.

• If the answer is No to something they want, be prepared to explain the reason and listen to their concerns. Can you negotiate with them or is it simply not within budget expectations.

• Keep coins at the ready in your purse and invite the child to count out and pay for items with coins.

I have had the privilege of managing schools in different economic zones. What I learnt was that those children with less, seem to appreciate what they receive with gratitude and develop a deeper understanding of its value. They also display considerable creativity in their play. For our children in more affluent areas relying on their own creative resources is not necessary at times. Appreciation and gratitude can be harder lessons to learn. Families are highly influential in this area.

If a family demonstrates restraint and self management, this is a lesson well taught to a child.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Survival as a parent.

When you first have your newborn in your arms and the dependency is high, bonding seriously begins with the child. This bonding continues for many years and of course an important key to better parenting is to continue to build strong attachment to your child. What is also important to better parent your child is to ensure that you are a well balanced person. Sometimes with so much dependency with a child, it is easy to forget about honouring your own needs.

This is all about finding ways to rest and recover from the high demands of being a parent. The expectations on you are great and constant as a parent, especially as extra siblings appear on the scene. Giving yourself permission to escape the rigours of parenting for a short while, ensures that you come back refreshed and with a better perspective on your job as a parent. Just stepping out of the shoes of full time parenting can have such a positive impact on the whole family and especially yourself.

How you achieve this will vary from family to family. Some parents are fortunate to have extended family around. If this is your situation, I strongly recommend inviting them into your children's life. Time with grandparents, cousins, aunts etc is about providing a village for your children and takes some pressure from yourself as well as giving the child a broader world in which they can grow up. You do not need to be the sole person responsible for imparting values and life lessons on the child.

When I talk to parents who have had some personal time to themselves they will often give me the same response.

“I really missed my children but feel so refreshed.”

Keep in mind that by giving yourself some personal time you are giving the child a strong message about your own sense of self worth. The more the child sees the parent as an independent person with their own needs, the more they come to appreciate that you value yourself.

Having a break can be done in many and varied ways. It can be just having an hour to yourself when your young child is asleep. It could be a weekend away with your partner or friends. Some parents love going to the gym, jogging regularly,walking etc. Whatever relaxes and refreshes you, will reflect on how tolerant and capable you will be in managing parent matters.

Remember that you are progressively learning about parenting and the more you talk to others and step outside your all too familiar shoes, the broader you reflect on your role as parent. Parenting is much more difficult when you are not getting your own needs met such as stimulation, affirmation, affection, recognition etc. Our emotional stability is linked to maintaining a balanced life which can include our own personal time.

Talk to your child about how you enjoy relaxing and how it is important to you as this helps be a better parent. It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

Once the child internalises that you sometimes enjoy some time to yourself, they are challenged to work out how this impacts on them and so they develop different skills in coping. They come to realise that their parent is a happier parent when having some personal time. Perhaps they can get involved in determining how you relax. This will give them some feeling of ownership about fulfilling your needs.

Strong, happy attachment to our children comes from mature parenting where there is room in all the family for everyone's needs to be met.

It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

The importance of quiet time.

How is your day at work? Is it always noisy and chaotic? Do you crave some personal space?

I imagine the answer is yes.

So too do our children need to balance their time with quiet downtime in the day. This can take many forms and will, of course, vary from family to family. It is all about finding time on your own.

Having your own mental space to chill out, and this may mean doing very little or simply absorbing yourself in a hobby. I am particularly impressed how some children can sit for hours putting together leggo sets. They are immersed in their own thinking and not interrupted by outside noise or demands around them.

Whilst television and computer can be seen as downtime, take care that this is not consumptive. However, it does act as a chill out time for children. The quiet time is all about being in your own personal space and being at peace with your own company. It is training the child to focus more inwardly and to enjoy their own company. It is about resting your thoughts which can be tiring if you find demand high from everyone around.

The trick here is to balance quiet time with other aspects of their life which is very interactive with family, school and friends.

It was quite common that in my office, children who had overwhelming moments in the yard or in the classroom would simply sit and draw, play with play dough, sand trays etc. This quiet time with no discussion or distraction enabled them to return to the noisy, busy space of interacting with others, where expectations and demands were placed on them.

The mental space acts as a recharge button. After all, engaging with people for some children is hard work. 

Children need quiet time just as much as adults do

Technology, a challenge in family life.

As a school Principal and working with children through counselling over many years, I have seen how the growing passion for technology has skyrocketed with our young ones. Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents. They soon discover that it opens up a whole new world of connection with friends and the outside influences of the bigger world. This can occur as early as seven or eight years of age or even earlier!

At a primary age, they are definitely keen to network and feel valued in talking to friends through many of the social media tools that they can access.

It can't be stopped, but as parents, it is an area that does need monitoring.

Here are some practical suggestions to help the child through the minefield of managing technology as a young, vulnerable person. I liken it to a child driving a powerful truck. They understand how to drive the truck but do not have the skills to manage it.

• Discuss with your child where the computer should be situated in the house. The younger the child, the more visible should be the child using technology.
• Ensure that child safety blocking is placed on any computer, Ipads, phones etc. in the house.
• Attend a cyberbullying information session to learn about the legal age for children using certain social media. Often schools will facilitate such evenings, local community centres etc. It is best to attend one just as a parent as often information is given which can be quite daunting regarding the damage done to children through the inappropriate use of technology.
• Attend a session on cyberbullying with your child. This invites sound conversation together.
• Talk to your child about the use of chat media such as facebook, etc. Explain how everything written is kept in the Cloud and does not go away!

I have seen some parents draw up a contract with children on how technology will be used in the house. This is done at school with all students.

Keep the balance with family life. Active children engaged in sport etc. will be drawn to alternative ways to socialise and be active. This puts balance into their life and reduces concentrated hours in engaging with social media. Their social engagement is on the sports fields, stages, art classes etc.

Check the time children are using their computer and agree that there is a turn on and turn off time in the house. Of course, we need to give this example as a parent ourselves. Our modelling in using technology and teaching life balance is a critical factor in demonstrating to the child that technology is but one aspect of life.

As a family discuss technology and how it has influenced major changes in the world. Also, engage in conversations about its limitations.

Keep technology as visible as possible in the house and limit a child's time on their own using technology in the isolation of their bedroom. Remember the house is still seen as a technology friendly home.

Some parents have reconstructed their family living areas to make access and communal awareness of the use of technology.

Learn about how your child's school handles technology. Reading their technology policies gives you a strong indication of how good habits in technology are taught and managed.

Some final thoughts.

• Ensure the child knows that you value technology. Talk about it as a positive tool that has made such a difference to the world. However, as a tool, it can be used inappropriately and must be managed well.
• In the family, managing technology is an important rule which we talk about frequently, just as we discuss homework patterns etc.
• As a family, technology is just one part of our life as demonstrated by all the various activities we do as a family.
• Talk openly to your child about how you use technology in your life.
• Keep well informed on current information regarding the latest social media tools that are influencing children.
• Sometimes children will access inappropriate social media through visiting other homes. Discuss with these families your thoughts on this matter.
• Whilst you cannot control how other families use technology you can educate your child on its best use and invite them to feel comfortable in talking to you about how other homes operate with technology.
• Visit your child's classroom when they are using technology. This gives you a sound understanding of how technology is used in the classroom and an opportunity to chat at home about its use.
• Remember your home should develop a family communication style that enables a child to talk about technology comfortably.                        

Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents.

Routine leads to developing life habits.

Some people just love routine. Others struggle with keeping up the pace of routine. We are all different in managing our lifestyles. Whatever the style you have adopted, consider the fact that you are the modelling patterns for your child. I am referring now to regular attendance at school.

This is a pattern worth developing. The more a child values being in school each day, the better balance they have an understanding of routine. As a  Principal, it was not uncommon to see children unsettled returning into a  classroom later in the day or after several days absence. Of course illness etc. can interfere in regular attendance but attending school on time, each day provides stability and predictability for a child. They love routine and feel secure in knowing how their day will start. They are conscious of their relationships with their peers and understand how they destabilise when not regularly present at school.

All families are busy and have different and varied ways of operating. The size of the family, working parents, sick children etc. impact on how a family starts the day.

Attempting to make a good start each day demonstrates to the child that it has priority in family life and is valued.

Perhaps discussing as a family how this can best work and agreeing to morning routines may help.

Some parents set up a weekly chart and each day tick off their good habits in following morning routines. They even celebrate at the end of the week when it all went to routine. Whatever the method, the message to the child is that regular and punctual school attendance is strongly valued in their family.

Keep up the conversation at home about how morning routines are working. Of course, it will break down from time to time but it is all about imprinting in the child, the family value that consistent attendance at school is an important family value.    

Routine is important for a child, particularly school.

How to get the best out of activities with your child.

Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child.

As a counsellor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level.

In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc.  A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon, especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.

If you are planning a special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher. It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.

When is a great time for play?