Gail Smith delves into the growing anxiety surrounding Australia Day within our community. How can we guide our children to comprehend diverse opinions and address the recurring concerns that arise each year? Explore valuable insights on navigating these discussions with your children.
Read MoreSome might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.
Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.
When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.
In working with children, it was very apparent that I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.
“I would like to talk to you about......”
It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.
“When the incident happened you got very angry”
“When you were angry you ......”
When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.
When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.
The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:
Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.
Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.
Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.
Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.
Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.
Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.
Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.
A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.
This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.
Often you hear parents say:
“ my child never listens to me”.
I often heard from a child:
“I don't know what mum wants from me.”
Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.
“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984
Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child. As a counselor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level. In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc.
A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.
If you are planning a special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher.
It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.
Chose the right time for a meaningful activity with your child.
The world today is a cautious place and there are very sound reasons why we need to consider how best to keep our children safe and away from harm’s door. Having said that, it is also vital that the child learns to be independent and starts from an early age to resolve matters for themselves.
In my work as a Principal, I was very aware that children these days lack resilience and this reflects how society in its determination to keep children safe, over nurture and choose to make decisions for children to secure the right outcome.
My observation and work with children also led me to recognise that independent children, actually learnt fast, took risks and thought about matters in a more open ended way. They were children who felt comfortable in their own skin, happier in themselves generally and showed an inner confidence and emotional maturity that paid off for them in many ways.
How do we feel satisfied as a parent that we are keeping them safe, but actually letting them come out from their cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.
I recommend providing slow and progressive opportunities to show independence. This can start as early as the sandpit where they need to clean it up to make it safe and clean to use.
There are many occasions in the home environment where a child can show and develop independence. The kitchen is a prime example. Are they responsible for taking out rubbish out? Do they choose the décor for their room?
Giving our children a range of domestic responsibilities is a great start. We can overtime move into more areas where independence can grow.
Homework is a classic example. If they choose not to complete it, the teacher will deal with providing consequences. Are they able to be dropped off at the corner with friends and walk to school? There are many examples and in most cases children feel so successful when they take a leap of independence.
Of course the independence they especially enjoy is when they are given personal freedom. By negotiating with your child, this is all possible. As the child gets a little older, with gradual support in being independent, you also begin to have more confidence in their ability to cope. This feeds into their overall awareness that you trust them.
It is best to remember that in order to make our children safe, they need to be aware and in tune with what is around them. This only comes from personal experience on their own part. When we over nurture, a child switches off their accountability button and learns little about how to understand the world. Such delayed maturity is a dangerous thing as children get older.
Keeping them safe is to set them free gradually. If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
“I never teach my pupils, I only provide the conditions in which they can learn.”
If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?
This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.
I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.
However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
The following ways may be helpful:
Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.
Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.
If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.
Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.
Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.
Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as a mentor and mediator.
Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.
One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
Do you have a quiet child? This refers to a child who generally takes a quiet stand on different matters. They may seem to be the child that sits and listens more or perhaps just responds to questions with one word answers. They may be the child that does not want to stand out in a crowd or appears happy to follow the others in various activities. In every classroom there will be those children who will not make their presence felt or who simply enjoy being part of a group in a non distinguishable way.
Many people are by nature quiet, shy or timid in their approach to communication with others. Whilst this is an acceptable trait, it is still worth monitoring children who appear exceptionally quiet or disinterested in engaging with others. There could be many reasons why remaining quiet and unnoticed is a preferred option for a child.
Whilst a child is developing intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially, this is the time to encourage them to be comfortable and confident in speaking out. A child needs to develop their voice, feel it is heard and gain success from people’s response. If a child remains too silent, they can build up resentment and feel frustrated that they are not achieving success like other children. They will also become conditioned into operating this way which becomes an accepted pattern of communicating where everyone around them adjusts to their silence.
It is also important to encourage the conversation as the child can become quite dependent on their silence which acts as a defence mechanism avoiding social issues etc. We need our children to deal with matters that arise using language with growing confidence.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
In working with children, I was especially aware that in talking to the quiet child I needed to ask very open ended questions. I also needed to speak in a quiet and comforting voice that did not take on authority over the conversation. If at any point I spoke as though I was in charge of the conversation, it would clearly stop on the part of the child.
Here are a few tips on how to encourage the quiet child to use and strengthen their voice.
When talking as a family unit, check in with the quiet child, asking questions that do not put them in any distress, especially when in front of other members of the family.
Ask open ended questions, not closed ones. For example,
“When you were at school, today tell me some happy things that happened.”
Some families have starter up sentences which they play as a family.
“Today I went to the park and ………
“I like breakfast because……
This can be turned into a fun activity. The principal here is to encourage longer responses to the statement.
Affirm your child when they give you a sound explanation.
“Thanks for telling me that story. You explained it so well.”
Writing stories and reading them out aloud is another way of a child hearing their voice and others responding to it, questioning and affirming.
Take care not to dominate a conversation. This can be easily done as quiet children will simply let you keep on with the conversation.
No surprises when I say that excessive use of technology further limits their voice. Technology replaces their voice especially through the use of games.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
How time passes when we simply don't notice the uniqueness of our child, the journey of their growth or their shift from childhood into adolescence, from adolescence into adulthood. This article merely touches on the value of stopping to smell the roses and enjoy the moment with the child.
We are very explicit with our families in terms of the things that we want to pay attention to and these are often around functional and aspirational things. For example, achieving at school, playing sport, doing homework etc. We are all keen to put emphasis on very typical aspects of our life which are common in many families. We expect to be attentive and reflective around such important issues.
What is unique are the individual moments to be shared with your child as they develop over the years. For example, if you bike ride with your child, stop for a minute and reflect on how joyous that experience is for all of you. When you sing a song together, set the kitchen table together, watch a humorous movie together, these are all times to reflect on that special moment that is a snap shot of your life together. It is difficult for parents with young children to imagine their child older, more independent. Time passes and this comes around quicker than we can imagine. Ask any parent whose last child is leaving primary school! A great way of understanding the preciousness of the moment is to look back on photos. Here we easily stop and reflect on that scene and contemplate how things have changed.
We cannot suspend time, but there is some evidence that time accelerates in our mind when everything is going well. Try to simply take some time to enjoy the moment whether it be watching your child in a classroom, sports field, play ground etc and reflect on the joy of that moment. Being more in harmony with the uniqueness of the present moment makes for a calmer disposition all round.
Here are a few thoughts to get you in a reflective mindset.
Take a big breath and just look around.
Look for the lighter side of the moment.
Tell yourself why this is special.
Pretend you are snapping a photo of that moment and remind yourself why?
“If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you are in?”
I have recently read an excellent book, Positive Psychology Coaching: Putting the Science of Happiness to Work for Your Clients, Robert Biswas- Diener, Ben Dean 2007, John Wiley & Sons. Whilst it is directed to coaching, the book talks about the value in life of being happy and how this leads to the development of well rounded individuals, who can form healthy relationships with people and who demonstrate emotional and social maturity. It is all about thinking healthily.
I then thought about family well being and the ability of families to be generally happy. There is much to be grateful for in our family life. Seeing the glass half full is also another way of looking at it.
A happy, healthy family does value laughter and general happiness. There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness. Consider the simple ones that sometimes we take for granted.
I actually have a family.
There is love in the family.
My daughter smiles at me and say she loves me.
My son is so funny when he talks.
We all get together on Saturday night and watch a movie.
My three year old just gave me a flower from the garden.
These are simple examples of how we should be happy for all the joys, simple and complex we have as a family.
It is certainly easy to feel the negative, weighing us down. Many of the troublesome issues of family will pass and what will remain is the memories of how we enjoyed the moment. Sadly, when a family goes through extreme trauma they sometimes come to realise the preciousness of what they have had in their life and this gives them greater sensitivity to the joys of life.
I have very positive memories of working with anxious children by including at some point, when possible, a sense of happiness into the conversation. It is amazing how the tone changes when the focus is on happy thoughts.
It eases tension and releases pleasant feelings into our body.
It also is an excellent enabler to talk more comfortably.
We are also teaching our children that we value being happy as a human condition that enables us to live well both mentally and physically. Happiness is contagious, people gravitate around the warmth of positive, happy people. Children will soon see that in your family happiness is a requirement.
Your disposition in seeing the happy moment and finding laughter as a cure for solving problems, will resonate for life with your child.
“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness.
As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!
In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.
This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.
The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.
In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.
Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.
Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully
“I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”
Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.
Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.
They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.
After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.
Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.
Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:
“You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.
This is more realistic then saying:
“you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”
The first statement is real and genuine.
Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.
Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”
If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.
Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age. A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.
When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.
Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.
Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.
“Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.
As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?
Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.
When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did you feel afterwards when it was all over?
If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.
“I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”
When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.
Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.
In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:
“I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone concerned”.
This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.
Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
Can we think about our childhood for a moment and some of the regrets we may carry with us? Perhaps those regrets may include occasions we missed with our parents. Of course parenting in each generation is different and we need to remember that what was relevant for one generation may not be the same for the next generation. Still, we probably remember and have some grief about lost opportunities
This article is just reminding us that the time we have with our children is precious, short and remarkable. Their growth and frequent changes physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally surprise us all. Without sounding too grim, we can easily miss precious moments often those spontaneous moments that give parents so much joy. That special moment when they start to talk or develop cute expressions or play sport for the first time in a team. How about when they show you their first tooth coming loose and the excitement when they have a birthday. Our whole journey with them consists of moments in time and despite how busy we are we should try and have a strong presence in their life so that as a parent you gain the pleasure and satisfaction of parenting which you deserve.
As a school Principal, talking to a parents, it was not uncommon to hear parents expressing regret around missed opportunities with their children. Whilst I hear you say, I can't be there for everything, I would say that the child values the effort made. If they see how you value being strongly present in their life, they are very content. A child recognises and values your spirit of determination and desire to share their journey. That is what remains with them over time.
After all this is part of your journey as well as the child. Your life changed the minute your child was born and your presence in their life is so intrinsically bound together. You will never be the same after the birth of your child. I am not talking here about your commitment and responsibility to your child, most parents understand and take that seriously. I am referring to your natural desire to continue sharing their life in many different ways. They will naturally fuel your emotional stability, demonstrate such powerful things such as unconditional love and give you many opportunities to simply stop and smell the roses. We learn in so many varied ways from our children's journey. This is how we grow emotionally as well.
Talk to anyone who has teenagers and they will easily tell you how their child's early childhood went too quickly. They question if they missed important milestones and they sense some grief with the loss of those early delightful years when they were so dependent on you.
No regrets if you as the parent, plan to have a strong presence in their life, capturing in your mind and heart those special snapshot moments. Whilst our jobs and external roles are important, they will pass and be forgotten in the schema of time. Not so when it comes to those deep, happy and unique memories of sharing your child's special moments in their journey. No regrets PLEASE.
“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”
Do you regret time missed with your children?
There are four term in a school year.
A teacher thinks and plans four terms, each with 10 or eleven weeks work. As parents you will soon get into a similar routine of planning around the four terms.
First term is all about establishment, building relationships, getting to know the children in class and establishing friendship groups. Some children are not great change agents and this can take a little time. For some children, it may take the whole term, especially if they bonded well with the previous teacher and class. Teachers are settling into routines and it is important that the parents understand how the teachers work. This way you can support your child best by talking about the teacher's style..
Term two, routines are well set up and expectations very clearly set. This is a time to ensure your child has established patterns of working at home and at school.
Term three is serious consolidation and by this time, teachers have a lot of data about their students where they set goals very specifically for each child. This is also winter time and it is not uncommon for children to have bouts of illness. Keep an eye on their health and make certain they get plenty of sleep around this time.
Term four is a happy one and a time to really deepen their connections with teachers and class. Towards the end of the year, anxiety can creep in with the prospect of change. This is a time to chat to them about the excitement of change and remind them how they settled into their current class.
Remember school is about routine and each term has its own character and purpose.
How can you plan for the different school terms?