What do we accept and what do others accept?

I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.

It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.

Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.

• Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.

• Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.

• Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.

• Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times.  Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.

• Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.

• Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.

This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.

‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’

- Joseph Cornell

A positive thought

It is just so tricky thinking up creative ways to have fun and engage with the children in lockdown. I was recently thinking of a very successful teacher who had the most wonderful disposition and skill in turning doom and gloom in the classroom into something happy and positive.

No mean feat when you have unsettled children. Perhaps her idea may have some application in your home. Call it a “negative stop buster” to clear the cobwebs and change thinking in a negative way.

Her method of improving attitude was to declare the day a P Day. This meant that the children could only talk positive talk and discuss things that were making them happy. For example:

• Today the sun has come out.

• I am really looking forward to lunch.

• I finished my on-line work. Yeh!!

• I will wear this t-shirt. I like all the colours.

• I love riding my bike.

• I am looking forward to some desert.

• Thanks for lending me your pencil.

• When we play Lego together I have so much fun.

What this teacher was doing was conditioning the children into seeing the small things in the day as positive. It is quite amazing how it can redirect your mood. In the junior classes, children would record how many times they talked about positive thoughts. It became quite a fun activity.

It was a game, but one in which the children turned their thinking to discovering the positive in simple things. This naturally created positive feelings that can take away the unsettling mood.

Perhaps you could have a “P” hour once a day as a whole day could be just too much to coordinate.

This game is simply a tool in redirecting negative thoughts into positive. You may find it a useful strategy in the home setting during these repeated days of more of the same.

No surprises, this teacher was well loved by the children. Positive people always attract others through their warm and happy disposition.

“A positive mindset brings positive things.”

— Phillip Reiter

Dealing with the put downs

Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.

If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.

The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.

“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”

“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”

“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”

These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive.  In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.

It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:

• Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.

• Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….

“I am disappointed when…”

“I am unhappy when…”

“I do not like your behaviour when…”

Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.

• Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.

• From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.

In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.

The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.

 “I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”

  “I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”

Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.

However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.

Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

— Stephen Covey

What is your cause and how do we pass it on to our children?

To some degree, this is all about ethics. It is about our ability to have beliefs and stick by them through our words and actions. Every day we are modelling our beliefs to our children. They are quick to observe how we live out those beliefs and especially if we are consistent with such beliefs… No pressure!

Their observations give them an insight into what we value and are prepared to live by. For example, if you have a particular faith that you live by, are you consistent in its practice? Do your causes play a big role in the life of the family or are they just personal causes that you live by? Either way, they will influence your child directly and indirectly.

For example, the environmental issues of the day have captured the minds and hearts of the youth. Do you live with a cause to being environmentally friendly? If so, are you living out your values and sharing them with your family? The agenda of environmental impact is a wonderful and current cause in which to work with your children.

This blog is simply to remind us that we are great influencers of our children who keenly watch what we value and how we demonstrate honesty and consistency to our causes. Little eyes are always watching and observing to see if our words and actions are aligned.

In a school setting, children are aware that causes are an important part of the world of teachers and the school community. They expect, nay, demand from their teacher’s, consistency in their actions and values. If their teacher is not consistent in their causes, such as the belief of working hard, being consistent and planning well, they lose respect and their interest in following that teacher’s directions falls away.

As a principal in working with children they knew that I had a strong cause to engage with them and listen. If my listening dropped off, so too did their interest in chatting about matters that affected them. I suddenly became much less credible in their eyes.

 When we are honest to our cause, children no matter how negative they feel to our beliefs, respect our efforts in honouring what is important to us. When they see consistency and dedication to our mission, they are more inclined to respect our efforts even though at times we fail.

Your causes will influence your child directly and indirectly.

 Consider:

• Do you have causes that are visibly displayed and lived out at home? It is valuable articulating the causes that are important to you.

• Do these causes have a big impact on how you parent?

• Reflect on the message you are giving to your child about what and how you value that cause.

• Our children need to see how ethical we are as parents. Do I clearly articulate to my child what is important to me?

• As a family discuss the many and varied global causes that are in today’s world. This gives you a chance to talk about how passionate people become with important causes. Perhaps your child has a strong interest in some cause or is developing a passion that can blossom into a full-blown cause. This sets them on a mission to learn and do more.

• If your child is demonstrating a strong interest in some cause, it is worth teasing that out and inviting your child to reflect on how to support and strengthen that developing purpose and passion. Be open to a different understanding that with each generation comes a new interpretation of what the world values.

Remember from little seeds big things grow.

“Tell me and I’ll forget. Teach me and I’ll learn.”

— Benjamin Franklin

Can we slow down and smell the roses?

We live in a world that is so busy constantly. In fact, I will be bold enough to say that we worship speed and value being inundated with information all the time. Social media, our mobiles etc. are all about using technology to speed up information and to be constantly informed.

Our children live in such a world and teachers spend much of their time keeping pace with the pressure of teaching, and at the same time trying to get children to value a slower pace.

Worshipping speed and the overload of information that it can give does not lead to thinking through a balanced understanding of issues.

However, our children are born into the notion that speed and amount of information measures knowledge.

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down. Firstly, it invites them to process the information gently and it highlights the importance of ensuring that the information so gained is not destroyed by the overload of extra information that comes in so quickly.

Teachers recognise that simply gaining more information fast does not necessarily teach a child anymore. They recognise and value the importance of processing information carefully and with attention to detail.

 The following thoughts help us support our children who are overly exposed to information:

• When a child uses internet to gather information, take time with them to decipher what is real and not so real in evaluating information.

• Engage in activities with your child that are single based. This means simply enjoy bike rides or ice creams together. Enjoyment does not need to be any more complicated.

• When you choose family holidays, choose holidays that are not overcomplicated. Do you find for example too many visitors interrupt such simple time with family? Is it necessary to plan holidays that are entertaining every single day?

• Activities such as sitting together and working on a cross word puzzle are excellent opportunities to simply stay focussed together on one activity for a prolonged period.

• Teach your child that overstimulation can lead to fatigue and does not give clarity.

• Demonstrate by your own example how working slowly and carefully through issues is a better way to solve problems and feel successful in outcomes.

We simply teach our children that slowing down and taking time to achieve tasks has within it much reward. We smell the roses when we successfully feel satisfied in our strong and steady achievements.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.”

— Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Do we really understand how we use power over our children?

Power can take many forms. As a parent, you are confident and responsible. You understand your responsibility and will always sacrifice your interests over that of the child. As a parent, you understand that sacrifice is part of the job and so the self-actualisation one gains from being a parent highlight how the joy of having a child impacts on your life.

We grow with the child and our personality has quite an impression on the child. Our child comes to know what influences our moods, what excites us and what from time to time angers us.

How natural and normal is that in disclosing who we are and how we respond to life. Very natural I would say.

This article is to remind us that our children are like sponges and will respond to our reactions in different ways. Somewhere in their DNA they are working it all out! They learn from our responses and will internalise reflecting on how they would respond and act in that situation.

If our temperament is quite a strong one and we have opinions that are strongly expressed, sometimes our children can be overwhelmed by the power that this exhumes. I have seen many situations where strong-willed parents who express a powerful voice have children who respond meekly to situations. They feel they have no independent voice.

The child feels safer not to express themselves as they fear a response from parents. Silence is a powerful tool which children come to understand. If you are a parent with a strong persona and recognise within yourself that your opinions are well expressed consider the following:

Are you allowing your child to develop their own voice?

• Is your child simply going quiet and not disclosing their feelings?

• Are you giving your child the opportunity to express themselves in an open and non-judgemental way?

• When consequences need to be put in place do you involve the child in the process and show strong listening skills with your child?

• Often children with strong parents use silence as a way of excluding themselves from opinion and conflict. Remember if you want long term engagement with your child you need to engage them in a way that gives them a sense of being heard and valued.

Children who feel not included or underpowered with strong parents who have a very assertive way of communicating can simply shut down. It’s safer that way! This gives them immunity from being attacked or feeling a failure. It becomes a habit not to engage and so the relationship drifts. Many a child I spoke to over the years as Principal, admitted that it was easier to be silent than have opinions.

Consider the following thoughts to ensure that your child feels included and valued.

• When having discussions at home ask your child what thoughts they have on the matter? Listen with intent and affirm their opinions. Show little reaction. Be interested.

• Make it clear to your child that their opinion is valued and included in family conversations. Start asking their opinion more often even on simple matters.

• Talk about how you like to communicate and discuss how different ways of communicating are valued.

“Sometimes I like to express my opinions in a strong way as I feel passionate about different things. I guess I can be a little loud at times. However, many people express their passions in a different          way.”

• Point out people that you admire who get their message across in a calmer, less noisy fashion. Admire the different styles.

• Invite your child to have an opinion. Listen and affirm their efforts. Applaud how they communicate with others.

“You spoke so well about your feelings on the environment. I love how you talk to people about such matters”.

Children listen and learn from parents. Your style of communication is also carefully noted by your child. They will respond to the invitation given to them from parents. Allow your child to develop their own voice.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank