The value of leisure

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us. It is worth contemplating how we use leisure time and how this influences our children.

How we show commitment and prioritise is all about leisure time. Are we a family that hitches up the caravan and disappears to the beach? Leisure time should be modelled for the children as high-quality hours quite separated from the hustle and bustle of work, school, etc.

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us.

Children need to learn that there are clear separations with leisure time from regular life. This teaches them that leisure time is an important investment in life. It nourishes the soul as well as the body.

The more they come to value the experiences, the more they will be searching for it in their own lives.

Take care to ensure that leisure is active and engaging. Watching television, screen time on computers is not giving direct attention to breaking from routine and setting up activities that provide real leisure for all the family.

Teachers invite students to plan leisure activities that will be enjoyed by the whole class. Often this involves active activities such as sport, art etc.  Sometimes school excursions are all about celebrating leisure time together. It is a great bonding agent.

 A few thoughts about developing sound leisure time:

• Invite the whole family into a discussion about how they want to use leisure time.

• Take risks. Suggest new leisure activities that take everyone out of their comfort zones. Our character reflects the leisure we choose.

• Research what is available and within your parameters as a family.

• Plan leisure time regularly and talk about it as part of your family routine. Let it become an important way of life and not just an incidental holiday.

• Get the children involved in the planning and if it involves gathering and packing equipment, this can be a wonderful way for them to become involved. Let them own some of the leisure plans and preparations.

Remind yourself that creating effective leisure time with the family is yet another way of supporting their mental growth and demonstrating the value of rest and recovery from the routine of life. It strengthens self-awareness and is an important way of expressing family.

“‘In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are.’”

— Ovid

Let’s understand the value of our unique time together.

What more can we say about the tricky situation we face ourselves in with the lockdown and homeschooling? Here, I suggest we think about how children are learning differently and this has its amazing merits.

Consider the following list of ways children are now learning and experiencing life. Think about how you can enhance and enrich the situation.

Make the most of this stressful time. Value this unique time with your children.

• You are having more conversation with your child across the day. Make them valuable conversations.

• Given the hours you are together, ensure that those hours provide happy experiences. Keep laughter and lightness alive across the day.

• If you are enjoying more outside exercise with your child, start talking about and noticing the beauty and differences in nature. With winter in its grip, this is a great time to observe temperature changes and how the season is crisp and the skylights different.

• With exercise comes more awareness and sensitivity to the body. Talk about your changing fitness levels and have fun in playing and exercising together where possible.

• Be smaller in the way you act and be childlike from time to time. This can be such fun and enlightenment for your child. They need to see the child within their parent.

• Silence can be seen as golden. Enjoy the passive, quiet times when you are simply together. See them as an opportunity to be in each other’s presence without complications of conversation, noise, expectations, etc.

• Of course, food is important during these unsettling times as it often nourishes the spirit and not just the body. Engage in cooking together and enjoying exploring with new flavours, colours etc. in food. Don’t be frightened to simply experiment, make a mess together etc.

• Is there some manual activity you can do with your child? Build a cubby house, make a go-cart etc. Such manual exercise together builds strong bonds.

• This is a time for the family to learn about the value of just sitting and also being active. Talk about how both have value and how to create the balance and not see each of them as rivals.

• This is a wonderful time to really know yourself as a family. What makes your family tick? Explore this question with all the family and talk about how you act as a family unit. Once the busy, noisy regularity of the week goes back to normal you will not have that quality thinking time as a family. There is a certain dynamic that drives your family. Explore it while the opportunity presents itself.

There are many simple activities and experiences going on in the isolation of your family across the day. Think about the simplicity that will be gone once normality comes back. Will we then be craving a quieter time? Will we be regretting the opportunities we had to be just family?

Enjoy the simple, uncluttered moments with the family. Remember that this unique time has some special value in your life.

“Live intentionally. Forget that and your life will be lived for you.”

— Linus Mundy

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

Encourage “stepping outside the norm”

We often go directly to the predictable. Many of the activities that we provide for our children, including engagement in sports, are excellent and provide the child with new sets of skills, encouraging them to be collaborative on sport fields etc. This is all positive!

This article suggests that sometimes encouraging children to look for difference and to explore activities or opportunities that take them out of their comfort zones. By looking through Alice’s mirror, we encourage them to take a few more risks and to explore things that are different from the normal. It is about conditioning our children to look for different and this may mean taking a few risks and experimenting with some failure built-in as well. It also gives children an appetite for finding different ways of enjoying themselves, rather than sticking to the predictable, the regular and the safe route.

This may mean that we as parents are also taken on a new journey, but stretching a child’s delight in trying on new ways of being and doing is very healthy.

For example, consider your child learning sport unfamiliar to the family. Perhaps table tennis, chess, volleyball etc. It is all about reaching out to find some different ways to learn.

Also, when you are driving home can your child think of new ways to go home. Try experimenting and discussing the new route. What do you discover along the way?

Here we are encouraging a child to look at the world from bigger, bolder eyes. Who knows what they may discover in the unknown?

Consider the following suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child.

Suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child and stepping outside the norm.

• If you are using google to find directions home with your child experiment without the google and see what you learn. Of course, you may need the luxury of time for this experience.

• When your child sits and enjoys art activities, encourage them to use different pens, perhaps only use tearing rather than scissors. This is all about exposing them to different ways of doing things.

• If your child learns an instrument encourage them to practice in different spaces around the house. This may create different effects and sounds etc.

• When you shop with your child, suggest different foods to try and talk about the experimentation of flavours. Naturally cooking is a wonderful time for learning about different flavours, cooking styles etc.

• Your child will be developing a sense of dress overtime. Encourage them to be bold and try on different looks. Affirm their efforts in looking different. Take care not to direct your child into choosing items. Let them think freely.

• When you play games with your child that are formal activities, can the rules be different? Talk about different strategies you use in playing games. Experiment with different games that require the child to think differently.

• Discuss with your child how to set up their room. Encourage them to vary the design and see what difference it makes to light, sleep etc.

• If you are planning to purchase a pet, how about considering a less predictable one such as a turtle etc. to learn about how they live.

• Sometimes choose books to read that are away from what your child generally reads. This gives them exposure to different authors and themes.

These are simply ideas to introduce variance into your experiences with your child. Be an opportunist and seek out occasions where you can present options and challenges in thinking to your child. Let them learn from you that looking for different and new ways of being is a positive thing to do.

Of course, familiarity and predictabilities are quite important for a child’s stability and feeling of being safe. However, sometimes just taking them out of the ordinary, encourages a creative shift in thinking.  

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

— Walt Streightiff

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less than ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

Practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated over time. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being couped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouraging letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play-dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on an institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in charge of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

               “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,

 “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also, teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how to learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh homegrown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tie-dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress-up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself? Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather than texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein

Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Teach your child to recognise their strengths

Do you have any idea of all your strengths and unique capabilities?  My guess is that you have a reasonably broad understanding and are quite comfortable with some of your qualities but we all can be a little frayed at the edges when it comes to announcing our significant strengths. This is the same with children.  Often a child’s slowly evolving self-confidence can give them doubts about their capabilities.

It is, therefore, necessary to articulate them loud and clear to your child. The sooner they recognise in themselves their strengths, the sooner they begin to use them to their natural advantage regularly. Once recognised and reinforced over and over again, the greater chance they retain it.

One obvious area in which most parents talk to their children about strengths is sport. Perhaps they are excellent runners or skilled in swimming. Sport is an area where parents feel very comfortable in supporting and recognising in detail their children’s strengths. This is often supported by the coaching teams etc. Sport is a comfortable and easy area in which to discuss a child’s strengths.

What we are not so good at is articulating emotional strengths or general life strengths.  We often neglect to recognise them as capabilities that need to be acknowledged. For example, perhaps your child is very compassionate to others. Perhaps they are quick to resolve crisis amongst other children. Notice for example, how effective your child is at calming someone who is unwell. They may be exceptional listeners. Is your child displaying a lot of self-discipline? Perhaps they are to be congratulated for their organisational skills.

All of the above is about developing important life skills. By recognising them and talking to your child about them as strengths, the child comes to identify them as valuable tools to use in life. It also adds to their happiness level, as they start to feel good about themselves doing good in different ways.

“I notice that you are such a tidy person. You like order and this is one of your great gifts”.

The child now knows that being tidy is recognised as a strength and should be valued. Before articulating this, the child may just see tidiness as a habit.

You can start affirming and articulating these strengths from an early age.

“I love the way you play with other children. You are so fair and share all the time.”

What a positive strength it is to develop fairness and compassion at an early age.

As a parent consider these tips following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

In working with children, I was always conscious to remind myself of the gifts and strengths of the child with whom I was working. They may have been great sportspeople, or noted for their great sense of humour. It was my goal to keep their strengths in mind when talking to them. Sometimes I could use their strengths to reinforce our conversation together. Teachers would frequently acknowledge children’s strengths in the classroom. The more they reinforced their strengths, the deeper the awareness grew for the child. It is all about developing automatic responses in using strengths throughout life.

As a parent consider the following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

• At mealtime talk about strengths that you have noticed in your child that day. Sometimes just writing a note to them and leaving it in their bedroom is a wonderful spontaneous reminder.

“What a gentle person you are. Today I saw how caring you were to your sister.”

• When having drive time together, talk to your child about how you admire their strengths. List them. Remind them of special strengths that are noticeable in your child.

• Discuss people that your child knows, who visibly demonstrate their strengths. What do they like about them?

• If there are two parents living in the family home, talking about your partners’ strengths and what attracted you to them is an excellent way to discuss the impact of such things in life.

This article is primarily reminding us that we need to specifically talk about our child’s strengths. Naming and labelling these strengths help to condition the child into recognising them as important valuable life skills they are progressively developing throughout their childhood.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise and capable beings. Only then can we play along in their world.”

— VinceGowman.com

Letting your child try new experiences.

Are we adventurous parents? Do we like trying new ideas and stretching our own imagination when it comes to changing directions, stepping outside our comfort zones.

This is worth a thought before we discuss this article which is all about allowing your child to step outside their own comfort zones and try new experiences.

As parents, we are quite conservative and we work to ensure that our child is safe and secure. We also tailor many of the activities to suit our child. Responsible parents put things in place to ensure that their child is given every opportunity to grow and prosper as a healthy child.

Sometimes we forget that allowing our child to try new things is also important for their growth. The more they demonstrate initiative and we affirm them, the greater the chance that they will develop into risk-takers who look for alternative ways to be and to do things.

Teaching our children that experimenting with new ideas and concepts can come from our own modelling.

For example, you may have a routine way of getting home in the car. Perhaps you change that route to test out a quicker way.

As parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.

Are you adventurous in cooking and try new recipes? Do you occasionally listen to more modern music to get a feel for difference? Whatever you try on for size, talk to your child about how you enjoy trialling and experimenting with new ideas.

Once you notice that your child is interested in trying a new food, reading different genre in books, a new look in clothes etc. affirm these efforts. Let them know that trying new experiences will lead to a positive change in thinking.

“Well done. You tasted kiwi fruit this weekend. What do you think?”

In the classroom despite fairly rigid routine in the day, teachers will from time to time show spontaneity and suggest that everyone experiments with a new concept. For example, one creative teacher I knew would occasionally ask the children to write with their other hand for an hour. She would also ask them to play ball using the other hand. Here she was trying to take them out of their comfort zones and challenge the brain to think differently.  Trying on new concepts, ideas or even attitudes to life is exercising the brain in a different way. The more comfortable ad familiar we are with what we do, the less we exercise creative thinking.

The other important learning aspect of trying on new ideas etc. is that the child starts to evaluate at a deeper level. They question, reflect and rethink their understandings gaining more confidence in their decisions. Sometimes trying on new things sends them rushing back to what they know. This is fine. The mere fact that they are prepared to explore new options puts them on a more intellectual plane and helps them improve judgements.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Trying something new can only lead to change or more of the same. It is the exploration that is important.

• Trying on new values can be challenging for all the family but children will come across different values all their life. Allowing them to explore different values within reason is very positive parenting.

• Always affirm the fact that they value difference and enjoy exploring it.

• Look for opportunities to put forward giving them a chance to try something new.

• Talk about people you value that enjoy trialling new ideas.

• Encourage your child to be creative as this will stimulate desires to see and value difference.

• Trust in the process of trying on new things. It can only lead to new thinking.

• Take care that if you suggest a child trying on something new be careful not to criticise if you are not happy with their response.

Finally, as parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.

“Never be afraid to try something new, because life gets boring when you stay within the limits”

HPLYRIKZ.COM

A word on body image.

There is so much that needs to be said around this important matter. All cannot be said in one small article. However, there is one valuable point that I wish to bring to parent’s attention. This is based on my considerable experience as school Principal and also experience as parent and grandparent

Once the child sees their body as something that is beautiful by nature of being healthy and fit, they are comfortable in their own skin and steer away from the shady world of social media presenting unacceptable images.

As children grow, they are of course exposed to their own physical changes. This is natural. Also people around them, not the least of which is their peers will talk about their changing shapes. What constitutes attractive looks etc. All of this is to be expected and parents cannot stop the chatter that goes on around body image.

So join it!

However, one great support in reducing anxiety in this area is to engage your children in active sports over their growing years. The more a child grows with interest in being physically stronger, the greater they look to developing a body image built around being healthy and productive. I have seen this time and time again. I noticed that children who loved and gravitated around sports were more inclined to associate with children who had similar interests. Their conversations were about building strong bodies to do better times on the track, in the pool, on the waves, on the basketball court, etc. They developed a stronger self-awareness of body image and were more educated and interested in learning how healthy bodies worked. They of course were given supportive advice through clubs and training sessions and enjoyed talking about how improving their stamina would give them the body they wanted.

I have seen this in my own children and now grandchildren who are keen to associate with like minded children who talk about feeling good as being as important as looking good. The self-discipline they gain from being part of teams and the social comradery protects them from the murky world of social media and “looking pretty’. Attractive to them is tied up with a having a healthy body that works well.

My recommendation is simple. Involve the children in organised sport from an early age. This may mean exploring different sports until as a family you choose one that provides an environment in which you feel happy and secure as you will be handing your children over to coaches and supportive parents on a regular basis. There is often a like mindedness in these clubs and this continues to support healthy images about the body across groups of likeminded parents. There is also strong modelling from parents who have a love for being fit themselves. One warning! Ensure the club is a positive one promoting competition on a healthy level. This does need to be assessed by yourself as parent.

Once the child sees their body as something that is beautiful by nature of being healthy and fit, they are comfortable in their own skin and steer away from the shady world of social media presenting  unacceptable images. Their social world is more about associating with likeminded children well educated in how the body works. They value a healthy mind and body. To them that is beauty.

“Just play, enjoy the game, have fun.”

— Michael Jordan

The importance of Rituals in family life.

As a family do you hold family rituals? This could be a range of occasions where you gather as a family to reinforce or celebrate aspects of family life. You are probably doing this on the run, as it is common practice to repeat patterns with family habits.

This article suggests that rituals become a recognised aspect of family life.

This is important for several reasons.

• Children learn from routine and feel reassured that what they are doing is part of their regular life.

• Rituals are unique to your family. For example, it might be a pattern in your house that every Sunday you have a special family meal together. It could be that every Friday night the family eat take aways and talk about their week. Perhaps your family has a religious ritual on a regular basis.

Simply having the ritual of reading at night is an act that becomes very familiar to your child. It reminds the child that in your family reading is a way of life.

This article recommends giving your child an awareness that ritual is important and makes a clear statement of who you are as a family.

• Consider listing all the rituals and habits that you as a family enjoy. Talk about how new rituals can come into play as the family gets older and needs to change. However, there are some rituals that may never change. They are embedded in the family DNA.

• Talk about the difference your children have noticed when they visit other families. This gives them a stronger awareness of what is unique to your family. Consider sporting clubs and the rituals held firmly with them.

• Point out other rituals you notice in other organisations.

We refer to the school as having its own unique culture. This culture is made up of routines and rituals that are often unique to that school. Children become familiar with how that culture operates and this gives them guidance in how they work and play in that environment.

Giving your child clear guidelines in family rituals that form your own unique way of life, gives them reassurance and awareness of what drives your family. Talk to them about why these rituals are valued and what makes them unique to you.

 Consider the following:

• Rituals are often passed on from generation to generation.

• Children need and love routine and patterns that they understand.

• Rituals have messages behind them and teach children what is valued and precious in your family. Children naturally compare and having their own rituals gives them a sense of pride and security in what is recognised as their unique family.

• Sometimes children will reject or work against the family ritual. This is their way of testing their own developing opinions and values. In the long haul, whether they like them or not they still appreciate the ritual as a statement of what is important to you, the parent.

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Over the centuries, rituals have been a way of life for many and varied groups of people. Family is a very powerful part of a child’s developing world. Family rituals therefore are embedded deeply in the heart and mind of a child for a very long time. When your child becomes a parent, they will reflect on what rituals were passed down to them in their childhood. Surprisingly many reappear wrapped in the framework of a new generation!

“At the heart of every family tradition is a meaningful experience.”

— Acostantine

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Our children can teach us so much.

Isn’t it wonderful how much joy we gain from watching our children? Their laughter, childhood ways, imagination and sense of fun give us life.

This article is inviting us to stop and reflect on how children are a source of joy. We can learn so much about the beauty of life through their eyes. After all, being an adult can be very boring. It can also drain our sense of fun and reduce our awareness of all that is life-giving around us.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life.

At school, it was my common practice that if I was a having a bad day, weighed down by various matters, I would take myself around to the classrooms, just to enjoy the chatter, humour and life in the classroom. It lifted my spirits and made me realise how much I can learn from children. Let’s consider our children’s youthfulness as a happy pill and one that puts us in a better mental framework.

Their simple wisdom, unshakeable love for their parents, innocence when it comes to seeing the best or worse in a situation, teaches us that sometimes we can adopt a lighter more manageable approach to life.

All that we understand can be seen from different, less judgemental eyes. All that we see can be understood with better understanding and more general acceptance. As children have their faith in those around them, they can teach us how not to lose hope and belief in others. They also teach us how to simplify understandings, taking out the anger and hurt.

Here are some thoughts that invite us to reflect on times with our children that can be beneficial for improving our spirit and disposition.

• Laugh with your children. See the funny side to their actions.

• Listen to their words. Often simply expressed but with powerful messages.

• Watch them play and join in to the experience. They often talk about all sorts of interesting things when playing. It is especially enjoyable listening to their chatter in a sandpit.

• Children love to draw. Watch them and talk about what their drawings are all about. As an adult doodling can be another form of drawing in a state of relaxation.

• Sing with your child. Some of the songs you will know and the repetition is often comforting.

• Enjoy the changing expressions on their faces and the interesting body language. These shift so regularly and are a key to how they are processing information.

• Let your child know that you learn from them.

“I love the way you use play dough. Can you show me how you created that shape?”

• Children have a different sense of time to busy adults. Perhaps we can adopt more time to things we enjoy doing and reduce the busy things we do that clutter the day.

• Allow them to be creative. This can go in many directions that will surprise you. Their creativity abounds in so many ways.

• Remind yourself by talking to your children about the fun parts of your childhood. What made you laugh and what drove your spirit.

This article invites the parent to simply enjoy the moments with their children and notice the unique childlike manner that is so attractive to them.

Time passes quickly and those moments where we learn about our child in their childhood become less and less as they grow older. My belief is that if we capture their joy, we will carry it with us and it will give us some positive feelings along the way.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life. Adopt a little of their liveliness and enjoy the day.

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

— Tom Stoppard

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

Finding a balanced dose of media across the week

Do you often have a panic attack at home wondering have the children been watching too much television or using their technology for too long?  I imagine this happens from time to time as the family pressure on each week varies. It is difficult to find consistency in busy family life.

However, it is important to find the right balance with media and technology use, as excessive screen time can be limiting a child’s ability to converse, engage with other activities and of course it reduces reading hours, listening capacity, etc.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance with use of technology at home.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance.

• Look at the week ahead. Does it have a balanced approach afterschool?

• Are their certain TV programs that the child enjoys. Perhaps negotiate with your child when they watch such programs in the light of all the other chores and homework required for that week.

• Talk about the programs they enjoy watching on television. Find out what really interests your child in these programs and other interactive games. Don’t forget to always monitor the ratings.

• Be the positive model. Reduce your own personal time on the computer and television replacing them with family talk time or active family activities. The child needs to see that other ways of operating as a family are important and highly life-giving.

• Technology is embedded in our world and will especially be part of your child’s life. Talk about how they enjoy technology and discuss and research together the various ways in which technology has impacted on the global world. By doing this the child can reflect on the technological impact over the years. At the same time, they can reflect on the importance of other aspects of life that cannot be neglected. These are life-giving experiences that are not technologically driven.

• Consider the design of your home. Are their sections where it can be tech-free? This is important to set up in the house as it is another reminder that we can recreate without technology as a family.

• Introduce house rules about where computers are kept, where charging spots are located etc. Take control of all technology, thereby making it easy and visible to access for yourself. Bedrooms are notorious hiding spaces for children in which to overuse computers.

 Schools are constantly evaluating the use of technology in the classrooms. We have moved from believing that technology will drive every moment of our school day to recognising that children need to learn in different ways and that excessive dependence on technology diminishes a child’s capacity to think and process. For example, teamwork, group discussions, cooperative learning do not rely on technology. A child needs varied cooperative models of learning.

When considering family holidays consider having them without technology. Go camping, hiking etc. Outdoor activities are wonderful for taking the mind off technology. The child needs to learn life in so many varied ways not driven by a keypad!

There are some wonderful websites which teach the family about cyber safety. I recommend watching these video clips with your child as it gives you both important matters to discuss.

Also learn about how to take authority in blocking certain social media. Websites such as the police have excellent advice in this area. Also talk to your child’s school about what they are teaching the children with regard to cyber safety and other related matters. They often send excellent support material home to families. Schools also hold information nights about home use of technology.

 This article reminds us that we live in a technologically driven world which has an extraordinary capacity to influence our lives. Our children are embedded with the notion that living with technology is a natural process. What we do as parents is applaud the inevitable but put on the table all the options of enjoying and savouring life with and without technology. We demonstrate how it works reminding ourselves that our children have been born into a totally different disposition. What a difference a generation makes!

“Science and technology revolutionise our lives but memory, tradition and myth frame our response.”

— Arthur M Schlesinger

Try being child-like. It is a great leveller

One of the great advantages of being a parent is that your child will take you through all the stages of growth, physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally. They will reintroduce you to childlike ways. How much therapy can that be!

Playing with your children brings more benefits than you realise.

Whilst I appreciate our children can be exhausting and frustrating from time to time, they do give us such wonderful opportunities to relive our childhood in some way. Perhaps your childhood wasn’t so much fun, now is a time to enjoy the innocence and simple joy of being a child with your own child.

Sometimes being an adult and maintaining the pressure of living up to many and varied expectations can be very waring.

When you take time out to share in some fun and uncomplicated joy with your child, the world is a happier place to be. It also demonstrates to your child, that you can relax and share in their world, with all its magic and imagination. You are modelling that their world has its own charm and meaning in which you want to share. You are valuing their world and not placing expectations on them to be sensible, grown up etc.

In working with children, I was in a very blessed space as a workplace. If I wanted to ease the pressure of the office, I would often enjoy playing the games on the yard with the students, join in netball games, share in choir etc. I certainly felt better from being part of their world. I would return to the office much refreshed.

Consider:

• Visiting sandpits and together play in them. Beaches are wonderful spaces to play in the sand, no matter what age the child. They provide a wonderful climate to play sport such as cricket etc. Notice all the fun, families have on beaches in Summer. Beaches provide entertainment for all.

• Playing formal games at home. Simple games such as monopoly can provide hours of fun.

• Play Lego with the children. Are you as creative or as skilled as them?

• Drama is a great imaginative tool. Act out simple plays and stories together. Children love the dress ups. Join in with them. Sometimes using music, singing together leads to much joy. Dramatizing books being read is also a great fun way to engage.

• Physical activities such as bike riding together, rollerblading and other active games in the park can lead to so much enjoyment.

• Children love to write imaginative stories. You can join in and add sections to it.

• Draw together. This can be even using chalk on the concrete.

• Invite your child to recommend the game and join in. Younger children are very quick to create stories and adventures.

These considerations may not be new to you but the following reasoning is behind the idea of joining in the world of the child.

• It is mentally healthy to play and relax. What better way than to do it with your children.

• As an adult taking a break from being a grown up is a positive way to improve mental health. Sometimes maintaining the adult in you is hard work.

• By joining in with your child, you relive some memories and trigger some smiles. All positive for everyone concerned.

• Finally, who says we have to lose all our childhood and grow up.

A better-balanced adult who can see life from many angles including that of a child is a more interesting person with high emotional intelligence.

“Be small and childlike. There is no simpler, better way to see the big picture. ”

—   Keep life simple Therapy. Linus Mundy

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

The art of letting go to gain more with your children

Have you ever noticed how your life just gets busier and busier?

In fact, the more complications, the more as a society, we think we are functioning effectively. How often I would hear school parents  say that their children were growing up far too quickly and that they were missing out on so much of their childhood. Yet they did not know how to change that situation.

There is much truth in this statement especially given that time moves so fast when we are busy people.

This article challenges us to find that time, by uncluttering life, so that space is created for your child.  It is not about creating more space, but rather, taking back some time from your already busy life.

This is a massive challenge for families. However, it is possible to declutter life a little to make more room for your children. It was not uncommon to hear children at school talk excitedly about plans that their families had made to simply be together. The presence of being together is in most cases all that children want from parents. Being present is the key to feeling connected.

Consider some of the following suggestions to reclaim time for the family.

• As a family, plan together those special times. This is quite common in some families to simply gather and plan how each week/fortnight /term etc. has adequate quality time for all the family. It is a matter at looking at what has to go. It is amazing how creative children can be when included in this discussion.  The mere fact that it is factored into your life suggests to the child how important it is to the parent.

• Draw up a list of all that you have scheduled for the week. Can you eliminate some of the activities to just be home with the children? Writing it down works for some families as they see and think about how relevant are some of the activities. Involving the children in this process is valuable.

• Schools provide busy schedules inviting families into the classroom throughout the year. These are great opportunities to spend quality time with your child. Schools understand the importance of building strong families.

• Be creative with your time together. When driving your child somewhere or shopping together, have you got time to stop off for a milkshake or a play in the park.

• Consider the layout of your house. Is it set up so that the children are visible? This enables more conversation, more connection and happy times together.

• Are there activities that you can share together? For example, if you like certain music, invite your child to listen with you.

• Bedtime is an excellent time to just chill with your child and talk about everything and nothing!

• Consider picking up your child early from school occasionally to simply have time together. This can be built in across the year.

• Lots of just sitting together and cuddling is quality time, uncomplicated by having to be or do.

          Try avoid saying to the child,

“I haven’t got time now.”

          Instead say:

“That’s important. I’ll find time with you to do that”.

With such a promise make certain it is always followed through.

• Keep a journal of those special moments together. Writing it down often stimulates the desire for creating more time together. Show the diary to your child.

• Take care with formalised sports. As parents we become very involved with them and this consumes time. However, think about kicking a ball around or shooting goals with them, yourselves.

• Set up a schedule on the fridge which highlights time together. This is a clear message to children of their relevance in your life across the week.

• Letting go of jobs, tasks, etc. is accepting that limits must be set on practical tasks so that you can spend more precious time with your child. How often do we miss the laughter and joy of those special moments as they grow from infancy to adolescents? The fatigue or tiredness we often feel is due to the far too many jobs we put on the list of “must do.” Such fatigue dulls our ability to enjoy our children.

As time goes, the relevance of those busy tasks fades into oblivion but not the journey and the long-term memory of watching your child grow.

You are modelling to your child, that setting limits on tasks and replacing them with building strong relationships with your child is critical to you as a parent.

“In family relationships, love is really spelled t-i-m-e”

— Dieter F Uchtdorf

Learn to be a coach, not an instructor to your child.

Coaches are there to guide and give advice gained from their well earnt experience and training over many years. They are valued because they are not forcing their opinions on you. They are merely giving you the wisdom of their knowledge. They are quite unemotional when it comes to giving advice, but they weigh up all the options in the light of all the information given to them and invite their client to consider the various proposals they make.

What is a significant benefit of coaching is the fact that a coach is an advisory body and leaves it to the client to decide if, how and when they will proceed with suggestions.

Do you allow your child to decide for themselves and learn from their decision?

Consider taking on the role of coach with your child. This will involve being less in control of decisions made for the child and more reflective on looking at options. A child will always value a parent who uses less power and includes the child when making decisions. Being a consultant takes practice on the part of the parent and can be a trial and error process. A parent can start with a child from an early age:

“I have been looking at all your toys. Some are dangerous when you walk on them and some are soft. These are the dangerous ones. It would mean less hurt on your feet if you packed these away first.”

Here you are stating what you know about the safety of the toys. You then point out which one is dangerous when walking around. You leave the decision to the child to move that toy first.  Of course, sometimes you need to give more instruction, but just starting with little examples is an excellent way to become a coach to your child. You are giving sound advice and inviting them to consider the options.

In working with children at school, it was quite common practice to put the options on the table, discuss the pros and cons and then leave the decision to the child. This gives them more ownership of their decisions and they begin to recognise that using the information gained is beneficial to their outcomes. Once a child develops a taste for being a significant part of making their decisions, they usually act very reliably to ensure they take further ownership of decisions. This is all about developing their self awareness and no surprises, self confidence.

 “I hear you want to walk home from school on your own. Let’s look at some factors that concern me and then we can discuss what’s possible”

Note here as consultant you are putting forward experienced reasons why this decision may not suit. Using this approach,  the child is more likely to value your opinions and be less intolerant of the negative reasons you may present.

 If you simply talk about all the negative reasons why the child cannot walk home, they are not included in the decision which to them may seem unjust and also too much use of power.

By putting forward your cases and debating all the reasons both positive and negative, the child feels included in the final decision.

Sometimes being a coach can involve simply putting forward your knowledge about a matter that is under discussion.  For example, if a child talks about smoking, it is a chance to simply state your views on smoking backed by some facts. Such coaching can happen incidentally. It does not challenge any thing particularly it merely outlines your knowledge and beliefs about a matter under discussion.

 Such subtle coaching is an excellent way to get your message across about a range of matters.

When working with children it was often a time for the child to set goals after deciding what they would want to work on. A helpful mechanism was to suggest that they set a goal with a timeline and a plan to check in afterwards. This came from coaching them in areas in which they wanted to improve.

“So it seems to me that you are planning to work on improving your writing. How about setting a time in which you would like to achieve that goal?”

Notice here that expectations are not placed on the child, rather the child sets the plan with your guidance. No pressure attached.

Coaching is about assisting a child to make decisions guided comfortably by your knowledge and experience. It is not intrusive. It allows the child to think for themselves but with responsible guidance.

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.