Five great tips to help our kids and ourselves in these difficult times

1. Are you someone that tries hard to make everything right all the time? If this is the case you must be on overdrive during the lockdown. I would say quite exhausted. Try easing off a little. Are there things you can simply not do? These are unusual times and require unusual approaches.  A little less can be better.

We have all said that we are in a new norm. Consider putting less pressure on yourself by not demanding as much from yourself and the children. Accept that the world has changed. Less mental clutter from expecting too much will ease the tension for everyone. Mental clutter comes from too much to think about without eliminating any of the worries on your mind.

2. When exercising with the kids, try setting little goals.

‘Today we will ride to the park and tomorrow will we will cycle a bit further around the creek”.

Here it is all about shifting the goal posts a little and motivating the children to do better and achieve a little more. It certainly gets the enthusiasm going for everyone. We all need something like a small challenge to get us motivated.

3. Children thrive on routine and feel so secure when they know what is happening. Put a set plan into the day with school work, lunch, etc. all planned. At the end of the day, it is recreation and fun time. It certainly is a motivator for the children. Involve them in the plan and assess how it all went after the day or the week. They will feel comfortable and secure with the routine and look forward to their free time to stretch their legs.

4. Unclutter. Keep the day simple and the house even simpler. The more we clutter, the more we think we have things to do. When you break away from the house for a walk etc. note how things just fade away.

5. Now is not a time to be extraordinarily disciplined and in control of everything. There is enough mental discipline coming from our lockdown instructions. Loosen up a little and enjoy the experience of just being family. Afterall it is such an extraordinary time to be together. Try and savour this time which will never come back again in the same format. Treasure it.

“Tough times don’t last. But tough people do.”

— Robert H. Schuller

Don’t forget: You the career need nurture.

As we enter into our new norm, post coronavirus, how are you a parent and carer coping? There will be change all around us. Some we cannot control and other aspects we may have some control over. Think about how you are entering this new norm and ensure that it includes your wellbeing. The carer needs to be cared for.

Sometimes as a parent we go on overdrive to ensure that our children have all their needs met and this overdrive can make us quite irritable and out of sorts. Notice the signs in yourself as you get back to normal routines. Are you getting tired now that the situation has changed? Are you also getting enough sleep and personal space to ensure that you are as balanced as possible in how you manage your children?

In working with children and in meeting regularly with parents, it became very clear that a tired parent was not a good listener to their children and sometimes had feelings of being quite inadequate in their parenting. This often had a spiralling down effect and the child quickly picked up on the vulnerable state of the parent. This then fuelled anxiety in the child which sometimes manifested in very poor behaviour.

The more vulnerable and less satisfied the parent, the greater propensity for unsettled behaviour in the child.

Don’t forget. You matter too.

I hear you say that there is the plight of the parent.

Consider the following tips on keeping your own life in check which also includes a good dose of happiness.

• In each day where does, the “you” time fit in? This could only be ten minutes but some personal time makes us all feel mentally rested.

• Look at the balance of the week with all the timetable and activities set. Can anything change to make your life easier? Remember this may mean sacrificing some aspect of your child’s planned week. However, it is necessary to include your needs in the weeks.

• It is important to let your child see how you value some personal time. Have this conversation with them:

“Today I will go to bed earlier as I need some time just to read my book. Please help with the clean up after dinner.”

• Do you connect well with friends? Conversations between friends especially those in the same situation can remind you that you are all in a busy time of your life. Ensure that these are positive chats and not just ones to bring you down. Avoid the negative talk as it can be quite destructive.

• Bring laughter into your life often. I know one woman that watches 30 minutes of the comedy show a day just to have a laugh and feel better. When you need to address issues with your child, consider how you feel, try to talk about matters when you are less tired and reactive.

• Take a walk often. Even a short one around the neighbourhood. Fresh air lifts the spirit and creates some personal space.

• Do you have a passion? It could be reading, jogging, the gym etc. Ensure that this is a regular part of your week and try not to reduce this precious time because of busy circumstances. Ensure you let the children know how important this time is to you.

• Ensure that around the house are important objects that make you feel better. Photos are great. Flowers enlighten the day, cups of tea are easily accessible.  Keep your running gear close at hand. It is all about ensuring the home also is your comfort station and not a working family space.

• Catching up with friends for short intervals can also lift the spirits. It is amazing how short intervals of feeling better can generally improve your mood.

• Leave messages around the house to remind you about things that are important to you. On the fridge mention your gym days. In the bedroom have your book etc. near the bed. Keep your runners near the door.

• Giving yourself visual images of what is important to you, lift the spirit and raise the importance of the activity in the life of the family.

These thoughts are about ensuring that you matter. The more you raise the family’s awareness of the importance of having your special time, the more the family understands that care is for everyone and everyone feeds off each other’s care.

“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.”

— Dodinsky

So, let’s talk about mental health.

We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic. There is no doubt that anxiety can be present all around us in varying ways. The news, negative discussion amongst family members, statistics every day and so the list goes on to suggest that mounting anxiety can occur.

Your child will, of course, be processing all the news they hear. They will also read the signs you give them through your concerns and let us not forget the very visible presence of wearing masks each day. The mere fact that they are working from home and online presents its own worries and is another example of how isolating it is as a way of life.

We cannot dismiss the above,  but we can put in place certain behaviours and actions that help a child cope during these difficult times. It is all about finding strong coping skills during these difficult times.

Consider the following which I believe may have some ideas for you to consider in reducing some anxiety for your child.

We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic.

• Be happy. Show them some optimistic news such as the numbers reducing. A smile makes such a difference. It is a great feel-good tool.

• Talk about the wonders of modern science and how a vaccine will be developed that will combat the pandemic.

• Keep busy. Idol time has a way of inflating anxiety.

• Set up a schedule where you all are aware of how the day will be spent. Ensure that it is variable and the child has to focus on different directions throughout the day.  The more you shift and change thinking, the more rethinking is necessary for the child.

• Put into it elements of surprise to keep them guessing.

• Play a lot and laugh a lot. There is so much humour to be found with and around children.

• Watch humorous movies that bring the family together and show the funny side of life. This, of course, includes reducing individual time with intense computer games.

• Is there a significant family project that you can work on? For example, can they paint their bedroom with assistance? Are they able to make a go-cart? Projects that take time and effort can be so much fun. They are impressive because of their scale.

• Read more stories to your child. Is there a family time when everyone reads together?

• I have mentioned before the value of playing together. Here I add the value of being physical together. This could be playing football, soccer etc. Contact games are a wonderful way to disconnect from problems. The physical exercise releases all the necessary chemicals to genuinely feel better.

• Playing music that you can share together and dance for some families can be a great release.

The suggestions are just a few ideas. Think about what makes your family happy and focus on building that happiness up on a regular basis.

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation.”

— Glenn Close

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

What’s wrong with a little downtime in our life?

Are we fearful of hearing the words, “I’m bored”?

As parents, we work harder to provide plenty of busy activities for our children, especially after school and much of this is often sports. What we need to consider is building in downtime. Call it what you like, but giving the child idle time to simply be and to find their own way, without direction, is important for their emotional development.

If they choose to use it in a constructive way, parents always feel better. However, sometimes it is valuable for a child to simply be and to just enjoy some idol space. We all need to create balance in our life. Finding balance will only come when a child learns to understand that less focussed times are equally important.

Teachers when planning their agenda for the day often include free time. This is where no demands are placed on the child and they are free to do what suits them. There is no judgement made on how they use their time at all. This free time creates healthy mental spaces between busy learning activities. It gives the child a chance to immerse themselves in their own thoughts and direct their own actions. Children love these times in the classroom.

In working with children who seemed quite stressed, it was common to invite them into my office and just let them be with whatever toys or activities were present. Sometimes they would just sit and enjoy the space of being in the office while I continued typing etc. It was just about creating a peaceful non threatened moment where they focussed on their thoughts.

Many of the self-disciplines such as yoga, mindfulness, meditation etc. focus on finding yourself in your own headspace. As parents, we tend to think that we need to fill those spaces with busy activities or at least advise our children as to how they could employ their spare time.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

• Let your child know that you enjoy downtime in your life and discuss how you find that time.

• Look at the set up at home. Are there quiet spaces that the child can find to be on their own. Consider the surrounding noises.

• Let the child situate their toys, Lego etc in a comfortable accessible space. This demonstrates that you are happy for them to engage with these spontaneously as they are quite visible. Try not to lock them up all in the child’s bedroom. Finding downtime can be in different parts of the house.

• I appreciate that television can be seen as downtime but monitor that this is only seen as one aspect of downtime.

• If your child enjoys being outside, set it up so that they can find themselves absorbed in outdoor activities. There is nothing more mentally refreshing than jumping on trampolines, bouncing balls, shooting for goals, skipping, digging in small sandpits etc. Children can really lose themselves in outdoor recreation.

• Set up routines at home to ensure that downtime is factored in. This could be that every week you decide as a family to simply have downtime. Invite the child into planning the routine of downtime.

• Talk as a family about what downtime can look like for different members of the family. What is important here is the conversation about how the family values downtime.

This article is primarily reminding us that downtime is a wellness component and should be valued as an important part of family life.

Downtime refreshes the spirit, clears the mental cobwebs and charges the emotional battery, ready for more active engagement with life.

“Time isn’t the main thing. It is the only thing.”

— Miles Davis