How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Getting away from the school holiday blues.

As you approach the end of the Summer holidays, so many thoughts go through the parent’s mind. School is, of course, a big component as getting your child ready requires preparations - uniforms, classroom materials, setting up weekly routines about pickups, etc.

Your child is also reflecting on the new class structure, building a new relationship with the teacher and how they will fit into the culture of the classroom.

Any wonder that anxiety about these big changes gradually creeps into the last few weeks of holidays.

Change is definitely afoot! There will be a change for both the parents and the child. Perhaps work situations may be changing for the parents as well. Each year presents new challenges. The child is older, parenting is getting ready for change and the family structure may be altering in some way. Nothing remains constant.

Here are a few ideas in making the transition to the new school year a smooth one, where all members of the family feel satisfied.

Is your child feeling a little anxiety about going to school?

• Start with a general family meeting and together list all the various activities that need to be done before the new year routine begins in earnest. In this list talk about who takes responsibility for different activities across the remaining holiday weeks. Ensure that your child is a contributor to this discussion.

• Using a diary or checklist, record when you will complete certain tasks and tick them off as time goes.

• Continue to enjoy the remaining time you have with holidays, but graduate back to normal routines. For example, bedtimes could include reading in bed.

• Encourage the child to set up their room ready for school and check off when you have everything in place such as a new school bag, books, pencils etc. Discuss with your child any changes they may wish to make to their room or the set up of the house in order to make this year at school run smoothly.

• As a family reflect on the previous year and invite suggestions as to how this year can run more smoothly. What factors complicated our year and how can we avoid the same problems developing? Also discuss the success aspects to last year’s routines.

• Start to introduce days that are not so long for the child. This encourages the child to develop the pattern of school hours. It is also about setting more controlled boundaries which are not the case in the Summer holidays.

• Ensure your child has plenty of sleep in the last stage of the holidays. This will help them cope with the early anxieties of starting school.

• Talk about relationships that will develop in the class. Often children worry if friends are not included in their new classroom. Talk about the value of meeting new classmates and making new friends.

• If possible, arrange some play dates with children from your child’s new class group.

Remember that you the parent is also considered in planning for the new year. Consider your workload and capacity to take on new projects. Your ability to cope throughout the year is directly related to your general happiness. Are you putting in place positive support for yourself?

This final point is an important catalyst for the success of the year.

“If mama isn’t happy no one is!   Summer is over.
Time to officially remember what day of the week it is.”

Be alert to trauma in children

Every childhood experience has an impact on the body and mind. Some more lasting and meaningful impact than others.

Sometimes due to circumstances that may be out of your control as parents, a child may experience severe trauma. This could take the form of a divorce in the family, death of a parent or grandparent, accident etc. This article is not about discussing the nature of the trauma, it is about understanding one important aspect of managing the trauma. Once trauma occurs, a child may have difficulties coping in a range of areas which may surprise parents.

Many children experience trauma. What can we do to help them recover?

Their brain is busy coping with the experience and as such, the child’s ability to learn at the normal pace, socialise effectively and respond to life generally will have its limitations. It is as though their whole world is dulled.  Sometimes when family trauma happens, parents can worry about their child’s school performance and inability to show interest in sport etc. What we say here is that it is quite acceptable to allow a child the emotional space to recover from the trauma. We need to accept that performance will naturally drop off considerably for a while. It is important to let this happen so that the child can recover from the shock and get back all their resources slowly. Take care not to place too many expectations on them during this recovery phase.

This article is simply to remind us that when a child has such an experience, they need space from what they normally engage in so that they can recover in the time their body and mind demands.

I have seen children stop reading after trauma occurs.  I, myself stopped reading at the age of seven when my parents divorced.

Children can also slow down their speech, hear words but not comprehend what is said. I have also seen children needing much more sleep, stuttering and losing their skills and interest in formal games. Younger children sometimes bed wet etc. Their resilience to others deteriorates. This is just a short list of how trauma can manifest itself in a child’s behaviour. If this happens to your child, be prepared to allow them the space and time to process the trauma. Understand that providing a climate where they can simply ‘be’ without pressure is the best healing space for them. With sensitive support and strong nurture, the child recovers. The brain is an extraordinary muscle. It does go into overload when trauma happens and shutting down in certain areas is a way for the brain to rest, regroup and prepare to heal. This article is just to remind parents that allowing a child that space is critical for effective recovery. It is not a time to work to improve performance or increase workload to keep up to standard.

For parents it is a time to respect and appreciate the child’s recovery time which will vary in length from child to child.  

“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not however have to be a life sentence.”

— Peter A Levine

Do we accept what parenting brings us?

Do we all want perfect children? I am not quite sure what that is “perfect”. In fact I would question any parent who says that their life as a parent is perfect and their children give them a perfect ride.

Life isn’t like that and the child will naturally want to grow and develop in ways that at times causes us some tension and stretches our imagination. Children are growing up in a different world to their parents and are being exposed to many and varied differences, not the least of which is technology driven.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

As a young parent we have expectations that we will be the best parent we can possibly be. I would say to this that you probably are but the unknown is how the child grows and how they manage their challenges in their world. How will they challenge us? How do we meet those challenges head on, or gradually work with them in consultative ways? These are the big questions.

In working with families, it was not uncommon to hear parents talk about the unacceptable challenges that were put in front of them. They had no expectations that parenting would challenge their values, their thinking, put them in uncomfortable positions and more importantly force them to operate in ways that they thought impossible. They were feeling uncomfortable.

Their whole world could be turned on its head by children’s behaviour and attitudes to life. Parents can also look around and find that parenting for others seems easier.

Here I say what a wonderful challenge for you, the parent, to be given the opportunity to think differently and to work closely with your child through their shifting world. Parenting should change and adapt to the growing needs of the child. It is not static and will demand the parent reflect on their values and ideas and at least consider different ways of looking at life.

Teachers can see from time to time the fatigue of parents in trying to understand their child’s behaviour or school performance. It was not uncommon as Principal to support teachers in their supporting of parents struggling with their child’s lack of achievements.

The question I pose here is, whether as a parent we become unhappy when the child’s behaviour is not what we expect. Are we expecting standards that suit us? Are we wanting them to operate like us?

Here are some thoughts on how to accept that parenting will surprise us and ultimately delight us.

• Take care to enjoy the differences you notice in your child. Often, we look for the similarities in our children and reward them. I was good at Maths and so I expect you to be as well.

• Be prepared to be surprised. This should be a regular feeling. Enjoy the moment and comment on the surprise.

“Wow. I am so impressed that you choose such different colours to wear out.”

• Talk about how you love the differences that you notice in your child. This gives the child a feeling that they can express themselves comfortably around you.

• As a family, talk about how everyone is different and how those differences make a wonderful family tapestry, rich in difference and woven with unique story and experiences.

• If there are behaviours etc., that you do not like and have reason to talk about them, do it in such a way that you are not stifling their right to see things differently.

“I would like to talk about those clothes you are choosing to wear to the beach. I have some concerns about their suitability. Perhaps let’s start by telling me why you think they are suitable.”

Here you are not condemning their ideas in fact you are demonstrating an interest in listening to their reasoning. Even if after negotiation the child will need to change their clothes, affirm the fact that they are developing their own style and this is a good thing. Include at least one aspect of their dress choice to show you value their opinion. Perhaps you could go shopping to learn more about what they like.

If the child realises that you value their opinions, they are less likely to be reactive to your opinions and values.

If parenting seems to bring less stress to other families from your observations, do not make comparisons especially verbally to your child. Your journey is unique to you and the child. Sometimes parents feel that they are burdened with more difficult children. Every family has their challenges.

Children will also compare if you are very visible and verbal about your burdened parenting. In working with children, I have heard them wish to be in another family so they can be like them. Be proud of the uniqueness of your own family.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

“There are two things a parent should give a child.

One is roots, the other is wings.”

— Author unknown

Helping children when testing is happening at school.

Who likes being evaluated? Not many from my understanding of human nature. Yet we regularly do this to children in schools across all their school life.

In teaching, regular testing is considered necessary to further guide their teaching in quality and in targeting the specific needs of your children. This is a valid reason but for some children, the fear of regular assessment at school can have an impact on their sense of self-worth.

It can also lower their interest in school and make them question their capacity to be successful.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider the following tips to help ease their worries.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider these tips to help ease their worries.

•  Make an appointment to talk to the teacher about the purpose of testing. This helps them understand why it might be important as a teaching tool. It is about transferring the need for testing onto the teacher who needs this information to guide her in her work. It also alerts the teacher to the child’s anxieties.

• Discuss how you approached testing at school and what best helped you cope.

• Talk about how a test helps you learn what you need to know.

  “In this test, you got some spelling words incorrect. Great!  Now we know which words to work on.”

• Some parents like to talk about tests as time to look for your growth curves.

“Well done. What growth curve do you need to take after that test?”

There are some excellent children’s books on the theme of coping with some failure. Most school libraries have them in stock.

•  Talk about how successful a child is because they did the test! The result is just to guide further teaching and learning.

• Do not focus on the detail of the test, especially the numeric results. For example, talking about the results, seven out of ten is not as important as talking about what the child will work on from the test.

• Talk about famous people who learnt from many trial and error experiments. Teachers will often talk to the class about how well-known sportspeople, scientists etc. all exposed themselves to testing their performance.

Ultimately tests can be a time for some children to increase their anxiety. Normal range anxiety is acceptable and can often drive better performance. However, should a child develop unacceptable levels of anxiety this must be addressed with the school and home working together. Without collective understanding and support, it can lead to absolute refusal of being assessed.

There is no escaping the rigours of life which do come with assessments of all kinds. Here we are building a child’s understanding of the value of testing and how it leads to further growth. It is all about measuring how far they have come and not what is not yet learnt. It is all about celebrating success to date and the effort put into the process of learning and growing.

“Life will test you but remember, when you walk up a mountain, your legs get stronger.”

— Sunshine

Being the best you can is often enough as a parent.

Are we looking for perfection in rearing our children? Do we question ourselves when we think our parenting was not good enough?

Perhaps we make judgements on how effective we are compared to friends, our parents, other family units. 

Do you think your parenting is not good enough?

Sometimes we make the call to be exceptional in our interactions and management of our children. Sometimes it is all too hard. We can be tired, unwell or preoccupied with other things to give parenting our one hundred percent attention.

What is worth considering is our very human condition. We are entitled and expected to be human and this comes with all its imperfections and warts whether we are a parent or not.

Once we start parenting we can sometimes have feelings of guilt if we are just not perfect enough. Perhaps we could have tried harder? Were we right in making that call?

I have some good news here. Children prefer the human in you. They feel more at ease when and if you make mistakes and are open about them. The trick here is to be honest with your child. Apologise when mistakes are made and be prepared to start again. Talk about how sometimes you are not good at things and occasionally you may find tasks hard. You actually have to work hard to be a parent sometimes! The child is wise enough and intuitively knows how you operate as a parent. Although they may see other models of parenting surrounding them, they are still comforted and reassured with their own parents.

Parenting is all about the effort and process you use and the sincerity in which you interact with your child.

 In working with children, teachers are very keen to articulate when they make a mistake. They see this as a chance to teach a child that making mistakes, being imperfect is a natural way to understand the human condition. The quality of teaching improves when teachers feel relaxed about talking about their imperfections to their children. There is real value in a teacher’s honesty with their class.

The emotional growth of a child also is influenced by their ability to interpret situations especially human actions.  

 Consider the following:

• Your human face is part of your charm. Don’t hide it from your child. Let them see the real you.

• There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is an ongoing process in which we keep working with our children, weaving in and out of situations that morph into different scenarios.

• Children expect and deserve to see you in all your glory and this comes with some ordinary moments as well. They, in fact, love the ordinary in you!

• Sometimes good is good enough and as a parent, you need to understand that nurturing yourself improves parenting. This may involve giving less time to your family and some more time to yourself. This also teaches the child that you value yourself. To be a more successful parent is about being a happier adult where your well being is valued.

Carrying feelings of guilt around with regard to not being a satisfactory parent only unsettles a child who loves you unconditionally for who you are all the time. 

Keep the happy levels up in parenting no matter how you think you perform. Focussing on underachievement and comparisons in this area of parenting only fuels further discontentment with yourself and the child.

Nurture and love of your child is not always linked to being successful in every area of parenting. The most important person who realises this is your child.

 The message is simple. You are doing the best you can do and learn to love the journey along the way.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell

Laughter a great tool in dealing with stress.

How often do you laugh with your children? Do you find the things they do or talk about amusing? Can you see the lighter side of your child’s actions keeping in mind that they are the actions of a child and not an adult?

Our world can easily be seen as a serious place and children have a natural disposition to be happy and seek out happy spaces and people. They are in fact a delight to be with and a privilege to have in our lives.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving.

This article is to remind us that laughing with your child is a healthy activity to do. It also teaches your child that humour is valued and that finding humour in life situations can be very mentally therapeutic. Some people have a natural disposition to see the world in lighter ways. For others, finding the lighter side to life can be learnt overtime.

We can all see the situation in different perspectives as with the glass half full or empty. However, to find the funny side of situations is an excellent way teach your child a strategy in coping with stress.

It is no coincidence that children gravitate around people who have a positive happy disposition. They are attracted to warmth in personality and humour.

As a parent we can sometimes become absorbed in the seriousness of the occasion. After all our role is to rear our children, provide for them etc. I would add to this that a parent’s role is also to teach strategies that enable a child to cope better when times are difficult. It is also about showing them that there is humour and lightness when sometimes everything seems out of control.

Teachers are very clever at selecting moments in class that bring spontaneous laughter to the classroom. This creates a climate in the room which is inviting and generally optimistic. It says to the children that we are a happy class.  Mistakes happen and we move on seeing only the brighter side of the day. It also forms a great stop gap method of taking away built up tension. Humour certainly works.

In working with children individually I would start the conversation in a positive note and try to bring in something light and happy to talk about. If we both enjoyed a joke it certainly created the environment for more comfortable talk to follow.

I know of some families that keep a joke book at home and on a regular basis they tell jokes as a family. Of course, watching funny programs or playing games is a great time for laughter in a family. However, what is better is when you the parent can spontaneously point out situations that can be seen as funny.

“Look at the dog chasing his tail. He looks like a complete circle.”

“Hey check out my hair. I look like a have had an electric shock.”

 Laughing about yourself teaches the child that you are a resilient person.

It’s all about making light humour of situations, teaching the child that being positive takes away the potential of a situation turning negative. A child will certainly pick up the message and appreciate that life can be funny and perhaps not so serious.

Of course, care must be taken between misreading a serious situation and this is all about the skill of the parent in talking appropriately to the child on such an occasion.

Finally let’s look at the advantages of bringing humour into your family life.

• It costs little.

• It enlivens the spirit.

• It gives a strong message to your child that humour is an important aspect in your life.

• It lightens anxiety.

• It invites a child to read a situation for what it is rather than becoming too serious.

• It reminds the child that the world is not a perfect place and that perfection can be restrictive. The world can be amusing and enjoyed for this reason.

• If the child is laughing at you it teaches them that you are resilient when people find you funny. This certainly talks a great deal to the child about resilience.

• It also helps a child discern what is serious and what is acceptable humour. For some children this can take some time to understand.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving. It is a wonderful collective activity to do as a family and it brings in to play so many strengthening aspects of self esteem, self worth etc. Ultimately the child can begin to see the humour in themselves. How personally strengthening is that!

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplain

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

How much worry about your child should a parent take?

As a parent we think about so many aspects of our child. Will they grow well? Is this the right school for them? What if they don’t find friends? What if they don’t eat their vegetable and so the tedious list of worries morphs into bigger worries as the child grows.

It can be exhausting for parents. The weight and fear of the unknown can be quite a burden. Often our caution lends itself to over protection.

Do you worry too much about your child?

When introducing new families to school at prep I was always curious to hear of their worries for their child. I think back to these same parents as we farewelled their last child from primary school. How often we laughed together at the innumerable fears and anxieties parents held about their children in earlier years.

Take note, I am not suggesting that genuine interest and natural anxieties should not be the norm for parents. I am saying that sometimes we over worry and put long term fears into our anxiety about our child. By doing this we become focussed on wanting to prevent or solve the problem before it happens. This sets up barriers to development. The other concern is that our fears influence how we engage with our children and sometimes this can impact on our relationship with them. A common fear that I often heard from parents was

“If my child is not successful at……. they will lose their confidence forever.”

This is clearly not so!

Afterall, does worrying about the unknown, long-term future have any purpose?

This article suggests that we should think more about the short-term issues with children. If handled well, the longer-term issues take care of themselves. As the child takes on more independence, they do not seek out our involvement in solving problems, or making solutions for them. They simply want the right to own their own experiences. When working with children I would sometimes put it to the child

“Do you want mum or dad to solve this for you?”

In most cases the answer was “no”. The child would rather go through the struggle than have their independent right to solve the problem taken from them.

In the light of this information, I put it to parents that worrying over your child excessively is simply a waste of time. Putting this energy into being joyous about your child’s development is better use of family energy and has a positive, healthy effect on the child.

Life changes, your child may go in different directions and show completely new interest where it wasn’t before. These are just some variables and surprises out of your control.

Concentrating on the here and now and the practical issue is easier on your well being and does not inflate the possibility of bigger problems. It is actually quite the reverse.

So, I suggest put all your worries about your child into a much smaller, more manageable basket and wait with excitement and anticipation for all the twists and turns that will be part of a child’s development.

Be optimistic and excited about the unknown challenges that lie ahead for your child and the new challenges that this presents for you personally. This is so necessary for your well-being as a developing parent and life consultant to your child.

Does your child overthink matters?

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

• If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

• When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.