Don’t be a probing parent.

We are all trying our best to be the parent who knows everything about their children.

After all, the more we know, the more we can be helpful.

Well maybe.

There is quite a fine line with regard to this issue.

We need, as a parent, to carefully manage our questioning and our probing into their lives. No surprises, that sometimes our children just shut down on us and when asking such questions as:

What is the best way engage with your child?

“How was school today?”

All you get in response is:

“Good.”

This is the great one liner “Good” that many parents are given when asking questions that we think are reasonable and fair. Parents often think that when they receive such an answer their children are either disengaged or hopeful that you will just go away!

As an adult are you always keen to answer questions at work and at home? Sometimes we are keen that such a question will just go away. It is also the case with our children. Sometimes they are just not ready to answer the question.

What we need to be careful about is how we ask questions. If  they are constant, repetitive and irritating, a child will shut down. Probing questions are evident when we keep at the issue, asking about it in several ways.

“Where did you go?”

“What did you do then?”

          “What did they say?”

“What did you do then?”

Such frequent probing just causes a child to shut down.

Where to now?

The best way to keep engaged with your child is firstly to respect the fact that sometimes they are just not ready to answer questions. This can be for many reasons including feeling inadequate or anxious about the consequences, tired or simply wanting some space from the issue. This latter point is often the case just after school.

 It is best to pose questions in an open-ended way with no set expectation of an answer. For example:

“I was wondering how you went today?”

“When ready, let me know how you went on that test”

“Sounds like your day was very busy. I wonder what made it so busy?”

Note here that there is an invitation to respond and not a probing question or demand. It implies, I am really interested in the matter but I am happy to hear about it when you are ready to respond.

In working with children, it was important to phrase questions or inquiries in similar, non probing or threatening terms.

“Today it sounds like you had some troubles. I wonder what went right and what went wrong?”

The more you invite responses with no direct or demanding expectation for an answer but rather you are pondering and wondering about the matter, the more likely you will receive a response.

Here are a few final tips on the matter.

• Take care to only ask one question at a time. Several questions given at once, causes shutdown.

• Be relaxed when posing the questions where no intimidation is apparent in your body language.

• If you are feeling anxious or tired consider the suitability of the timing in asking the questions.

• Consider how important the question is at the time. You will be more successful in getting responses when the timing is right and the child does not have too many preoccupations.

• It is also helpful to thank the child for giving you an answer.

“Thanks for keeping me informed. I now know why you were late.”

• Remember a child responds best to warmth and non threatening situations where they feel there is no judgement. Posing probing questions can put blame and anxiety on to the child.

• Keep your stance consistently positive as best as possible to preserve the relationship.

“The most effective people know how to ask great questions and to learn from listening.”

— www.jaywren.com

Giving real attention to your child.

“Of course”, I hear you say, “I give my child plenty of attention.”

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

Parents will naturally try to be available to their child as often as possible. However, giving real attention is more about how you present yourself when attending to a child. When working with children it was common to hear them say that no one listens to them. When discussing this with parents they would be surprised and naturally reflect on how much time they gave their child.

This article is not so much about giving more time but rather improving the quality of attending to a child. So much of our parenting is done on the run!

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

• ·When a child wants to talk to you about some matter decide if you have the time to stop and listen. If not then say,

“That’ s important to you. I want to talk to you about that later”

• When listening to the child sit comfortably and give positive, uninterrupted eye contact. This shows the child that you are really paying attention. Take care no to jump in to the conversation too quickly. This stops their flow of conversation and questions whether you are really listening to them. It also disrupts their flow of conversation.

• Often a child (especially a younger child) talks too much but waiting patiently will get you to the issue. Find a personal space in which to talk quietly so that you are not distracted.

• Do not do this process if you are not in the right frame of mind to listen. Delaying the conversation leads to better success later.

• Interject with “hmm, keep going, that’s interesting.” Such interjections encourages the child to keep talking as you are really listening and interested.

• If another child, intervenes in the conversation, it is important to remind them that you are only talking to one person and that is important to you.

• Find a space that is not too noisy. It is amazing how quiet spaces encourage listening.

• Watch your body language and voice control. Keep it consistent throughout the conversation. Negative body language can stop conversation and place value judgements on what is being said.

• Never understate the importance of the child’s conversation. Be consistent in your behaviour towards their conversations. If they believe you are a real listener then be a listener.

• Once the child has disclosed what they want to say and you are ready to talk about the matter, affirm them for their efforts and acknowledge how you really enjoy listening to what they have to say.

“Thanks for keeping me well informed. You really told me what is on your mind.”

These suggestions work well when you have the time. Keep in mind that effective listening is much more valuable than spending more time listening ineffectively and often “on the run”. The child demands less from you when they feel that real listening occurs.

How to be helpful when a child is really upset.

Think about yourself for a minute. When you are truly upset, how much real listening occurs? Very little is the simple answer. No one listens to advice when feeling under pressure.

The same applies to children. When anxieties reach high levels, it is best to allow time for the child to calm down and to allow the high emotions to work through their system. Of course, younger children will go from zero to ten fairly quickly with upset feelings. Once emotions cloud listening, there is no chance to talk through issues or to be the solver of problems.

The following is the best way to help a child when displaying very upset behaviour.

How do you help your child when they’re upset?

• Ensure they are safe.

• Provide a quite climate if possible.

• Try not to interrupt the upset child with reassurance, until their upset condition has reduced significantly.

• Be present and in the case of a younger child, sometimes just holding them closely is comforting.

• Try not to interpret the behaviour too quickly. Just be present and calm when the emotions are high.

• If possible, try to eliminate other distractions such as other siblings talking or interfering, television, noise, etc. Sometimes dimming lights, creating a subtle environment is helpful and quite soothing for the child.

When the child seems calmer it may be possible to talk about what was so upsetting. Sometimes it is best to leave it till later.

 Simple reassurance is helpful at that point:

“Something has really upset you. When you are ready, I am happy to talk to you about it”.

This is not a time for probing and questioning the child about the upset condition. There is sometimes residual anxiety that comes after a big upset and children need time to recover and process their feelings. There is no need as a parent to solve the problem and to make the child happy again. A child’s equilibrium will come after they feel better in themselves and move on to other issues.

Being upset and reacting to issues is a normal part of growing up. Children need to feel that expressing feelings is acceptable. As adults we tend to tailor our responses to anxiety quite differently, as we are conscious of other people, social pressures etc. I suppose we call this working towards emotional maturity.

It is quite acceptable and natural as a parent to be upset from time to time and for your child to see your reaction to being upset. This is modelling to your child that it is natural to be affected by issues and that as a parent you need time to process the issue. What a child observes, is how you handle the upsets and how you manage yourself. It is best to talk to your child about what upset you and how you managed that upset condition. Hiding vulnerable emotions from your child only makes them anxious.

Making sense of a messy world for a child

How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc?  No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.

We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.

We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.

To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.

With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.

For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.

Lead them into the conversations gently:

“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”

Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.

Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.

Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!

When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.

In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.

Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.

The importance of peers and friends

Never underestimate your importance as the parent in the life of your child. However, you do need to move over a little and allow space for your child's peers and friends. They are key to strengthening and reassuring your child in the important area of building self esteem and self worth.

Imagine a world where your only influences were your parents! A scarey thought!

What is central to a child's world is your acceptance and understanding of their friends and the outside influences they present to your family. Sometimes this can be quite challenging for parents particularly if your child chooses friends with a totally different perspective and perhaps different parenting experiences.

How you choose to respond will have an impact on your child. They will either be open and engaging with you, as you show acceptance of their choices, or they go underground and don't inform you as much about their movements. This often happens when the child does have independence around the age of later primary years.

How you choose to respond to your child’s friendships will have an impact them.

Your child will be anxious that you accept their choices of friends and look for your response and support. The following are suggestions to ensure that you still remain in charge but demonstrate how willing you are to respect their journey in finding friendships and understanding about friendships:

• Always listen to your child when they talk about their friends. Show interest by asking non invasive questions about how they enjoy their friendship.

“You seem to like playing with Tom. He is someone you spend quite some time with often.”

• When your child talks about let downs in friendship, ensure that you show empathy, but not offer strong opinions about the lost friend. Friendships come and go and children remember if you talk about others positively or negatively. This can make them very confused. So why talk to you about a friend that you have strong opinions about?

• Discuss your family friends and what makes you enjoy each other's company.

• Be open to inviting their friends to the house and although care and precaution is taken when your child is at another home, be positive for them and look forward to talking about the experience later.

• Be open to challenges in this area. If your child wants to do something with friends a little more adventurous, rather than dismissing the idea, talk it through. Can some compromise be reached where they feel that they have some choice in the matter?

• The key is to keep them open in conversation and engaged with you when talking about their friends. This will also include their losses and gains along the way. If they seek you out for counsel as to why the relationship didn't work, take care not to lay blame on the other child.

“Sometimes, a friend can grow and change in a different way to yourself.”

• Keep in mind that they see how you still value the other child when they are not your child's friend anymore.

• Be inclusive when you talk about friends.

• Talk positively about friendship even though at times people move on.

As the child grows and comes to understand friendship from more mature eyes, they will remember and value keeping you informed about their journey if they find that you are an effective listener, not quick to react and open to discussing problematic issues with an open mind.

In the school setting, children learn many lessons about friendships broken and made.

When working with children who felt their parents were very controlling about their world, they would sometimes talk about how their life at school with friends was so important to them.

When school friendships are discussed and carry on into family life, the child feels better connected. The key is simply to keep the doors open when it comes to their growth with friends.

The whole family will grow and often in surprising ways if you are inclusive, inviting and respectful of your child's choices of friends.

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Take care to avoid inappropriate use of punishment.

This is a precautionary word about the use of ineffective punishment at home.

I appreciate that when we get disappointed and angry with unacceptable behaviour, we can be quite reactive in disciplining children. Our response to our child often comes from your own experience in being reared and also your perception on life, timing, tiredness, etc.

When we see disappointing and unacceptable behaviour, it is natural to be unsettled and feel the desire to set the child on the right track. Sometimes, in anger we set punishments that are disproportionate and simply over reactive. It is incorrect to think that the more severe consequences, the greater likelihood the behaviour will change. In fact, the reverse often happens which causes the parent to spiral further down in frustration.

Remember that when we see behaviour that is unacceptable, we need to primarily find the drivers that led to that behaviour. This is best done through active listening which I have mentioned in many articles.

Once the active listening uncovers the real reason for the behaviour , the parent is in a better situation to understand, have less reaction time and begin to talk through the issue.

Here are some very obvious reasons why over reactive inappropriate punishment can lead to further disengagement with your child:

How much punishment is too much punishment?

•  Children learn quickly what to say to parents who over react. They develop a 'sixth sense' to protect themselves and this will involve further poor behaviour.

• Avoidance becomes a way of life for a child who feels that understanding is low in a parent and consequences for behavior are profound. They become 'street smart' around their parents which will involve spending less quality time with the parent.

• Another tactic used by children is to water down the truth, create alternative stories to what really happened for fear of consequences. A child can become quite skilled in diverting the truth when fearful of parental reaction.

• A child will gravitate around someone that listens and places no judgement on them. If they feel that they cannot get effective listening from parents they will seek out others with which to discuss their problems. Such company may not be the best for the child but they will seek reassurance.

• A child who hides the truth for fear of consequences actually becomes very sad. This can lead to further emotional complications over time.

 The following are suggestions to keep your child engaged with you despite inappropriate behavior.

• ·Let them know that you can be trusted. You will listen and plan to understand before setting consequences and they will be actively involved in setting those consequences.

• As a family talk about how important it is to be truthful and give examples of how this leads to better outcomes.

• Know your tolerance levels. If you have low tolerance for certain behavior, are you the best parent to deal with that matter?

• It is also useful to talk about mistakes you made as a child and how it was dealt with in your childhood. If it was poorly managed, stress how you want to avoid repeating this pattern with your child. If the management was helpful and positive to you the child, discuss how you want to emulate such parenting.

• Take care not to discuss how other parents manage discipline. Children reflect on your thoughts about such matters.

• When discussing matters that are emotive and could lead to consequences, ensure that you are talking to them in a safe place and not a public venue. Children need space to process what is being said to them. It also shows respect for their privacy. It is best to say:

“We need to discuss what just happened. When we are at home we can talk further about the matter.”

• Remember that your child will gravitate around the parent that shows warmth, authenticity and fairness. Giving consequences is generally acceptable to children, if it is done with both parent and child understanding its purpose and equally being engaged in the process.

• Once consequences are given, move on quickly with no reference to earlier situations.

• Keep everything in proportion. After all, you are dealing with children's behavior. They are gradually developing their sense of reason and will be looking to the parent for encouragement along the way. Understand that making mistakes is an opportunity to grow.

The child you understand at six years of age will be quite different at nine or twelve. Allow them time to process their behaviour and understand it in the context of their life.

“In my world there are No Bad Kids.
Just impressionable, conflicted young people, wrestling with emotions and impulses
Trying to communicate their feelings and needs the only way they know how.”

— Angela Lansbury

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.

Teaching children to celebrate the positive actions of others

Our children will develop physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally overtime. Teachers are very conscious to ensure that they model and teach children the value of affirming others when they succeed. For some children this is not a difficult awareness to develop but for other children it can take quite some time as they put their own interests ahead of others. Sport is a typical example of how some children feel frustrated if they do not win and struggle to enjoy success for other children.

Whilst to some degree, children will learn in various ways the value of affirming others, there is still the importance of teaching them the value of being generally happy for other children when they succeed, sometimes over themselves.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

In schools there are various programs designed to not only focus on building resilience when things go wrong but also to recognise in themselves how mature they are to value the success of others.

Of course, in saying this, I appreciate that we are dealing after all with children and their emotions are slowing evolving but the home environment can be a profound learning space for respecting and valuing others. Parent's modelling can make such a difference.

Here are some examples upon which to reflect:

•        When together as a family, discuss the success of some people you admire. Talk about the difference they make through their skills or gifts.

•        Read stories of people you admire to the children.

•        Actively acknowledge other children at sport venues etc. that do well.

When a child praises the success of another, tell them how proud you are that they can recognise the successes of another child.

                         “ How clever you are to notice John's running skills. Tell me more.”

Invite the family to write a genuine comment on each other. This is a positive statement about a strength you notice in that person. Talk about these comments when all together.

When working with children, especially those who felt poorly about their efforts, it was common practice to list all those children who spoke highly of them. You give them open sentence starters to talk positively about other children. Often you would start sentences with:

                         “I like Mary because..”

                        “John is friendly and..”

                        “Joshua has wonderful....”

Teachers would often use this tactic in a classroom, inviting all children to write one very happy comment about each other. It was amazing how it awakened an appreciation of others and lowered anxiety in the room. It also gave the child the strong message that finding the richness in each other was highly valued.

What these exercises are doing is skilling the child to notice the positive and to highlight it publicly.

It also touches on learning about your own limits.

Think about those people whom we like to gravitate around. No surprises that it is the people who see the value and admire the positive in people.

“People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.......”

— Maya Angelou

Let’s celebrate the simple joys of being around our children.

How much thought do we give to how many times we just smell the roses and experience joy with our children? Time passes so quickly and with it, life experiences move swiftly passed our consciousness. What can stay and linger in our minds is how we shared a laugh and simply enjoyed the moment with our children.

There is nothing more rewarding than walking into a classroom and hearing laughter from the teacher and children. That is a clear sign that the children are enjoying their learning experiences and trust in their environment.

Doing things with your children that you love should bring a sense of joy to all involved. Simply being happy with your child is an immense success as an effective parent. This sends a message to the child that all is well with themselves and parent.

The calm, steady sense of being joyful also feeds into a child’s sense of security, reducing anxiety and stress. Simple things like laughing about a joke together, telling jokes, noticing together the funny side of a situation. All of these display a positive, healthy disposition to life and send signals to your child that being happy is the best state in which to live.

When working with children, it was always important to set the scene before talking about matters that may concern the child. We would start with something light such as talking about the great sports day we had yesterday or the funny moment when the bell went at the wrong time. This gives a message to the child that we can discuss matters knowing that we share a common love of life in a positive setting.

Start looking at simple activities you do together as joyful times. Even chatting together in the car, playing “I spy” etc. is a time of joy and fun. It about being alive and positive together.

Family games are also a wonderful time to enjoy each other’s company and to find a sense of joy in the occasion. Choose funny books to have a laugh together when reading.

My own children, now well grown, will occasionally talk about the funny or quirky situations they shared with their mother. These are memorable and tell a story. Remember parents do not have to be perfect, just normal is quite enough.

If you are busy and tired take care not to show this tension to your child.  These occasions can be very real road blocks for having happy, quality time together.

Try keeping in mind that any situation no matter how ordinary can become a time of joy. All it requires is your awareness of how a situation can turn into a happy experience. For example, if all is quiet in the car, chat about the funny sign you just read or sing a song together.

Happy people that see the joy in everyday activities are very positive people that others enjoy being around. This blog is about finding the joy and sharing the moment.

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter”

— Nicolas Chamfort

Parenting differently

Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.

This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.

Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.

Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.

It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.

No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.

Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.

Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.

Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.

• Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\

• Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.

• Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.

• Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.

Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:

“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”

Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.

If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.

“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.

When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.

“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”

As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.

“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”

In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.

The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.

Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.

Setting the limits.

This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?

Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.

If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.

Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.  

Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.

Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.

·       Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.

·       Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.

“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”

“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”

Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.

• Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.

• Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.

• Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent.  In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.

Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.

Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.

No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.

It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.

“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”

— Charlotte Sophia Kasi

Children can see failure as part of their success

This certainly sounds contradictory! However, what is important here is the fact that failure happens all the time from the moment a child tries to open a jar with a firm lid, knocks over blocks through to failing at school through friendships, learning in the classroom, etc. It is a daily event.

What we need to teach our children is that failure is an acceptable way of growing and learning. It is a natural part of our life occurring on a regular basis. Einstein would say that unless he failed in his experiments regularly, he would not learn where next to go in his work.

As a parent, we work hard to affirm and reassure our children that they can succeed. This is of course very important. However, we should teach them, that through our mistakes, we can grow and succeed. Failure is a sign that we have discovered an area in which to grow.

 One of the best ways to do this is to use your own examples.

Don’t forget to applaud a child when they attempt to work through their failure.

“Gosh, I have tried to make that recipe work. Sadly, I failed. I will get some advice from my friend who seems to make is so well.”

“Sadly, I was not successful in that job application. I will ask them what skills I needed so that I can improve my application next time.”

“I missed that turn off on the freeway. I will have to pay more attention to the road signs in future”.

The above examples illustrate that whilst you were not successful, you would use the experience to gain more insight. This is the key, teaching children that through error we find new ways to learn.

Don’t forget to applaud a child when they attempt to work through their failure.

“Well done. When you saw that you did not do well on that spelling test you checked in with the teacher for help. Bravo!”

In the school setting, teachers would often affirm children when they demonstrated that they had developed ways to work through their own problems. This was about taking ownership for their failures and understanding how to get the best from that experience. This was seen as success and applauded!

When working with children anxious about failure, it was quite common to chat about the times they had succeeded by working through a problem. It was about training them to recognise the value in just, ‘having another go’, finding a new way forward, experimenting with options.

“You didn’t find a friend on the yard when the bell went but you went looking for someone new on the yard. That was a clever way of moving on.”

There is an awareness that if everything comes too easily to a child, they will not learn the art of dealing with failure. They need to gradually work on the skills of being successful in managing their failure, turning it around and using it to grow.

Children need to recognise failure as a growth curve where they will embark on a new strategy to work through the problem. This makes them successful. Of course everything within reason.

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new… ”

— Einstein

A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY

Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:

One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.

“What made you happy today?”

Also another way to express the day is to ask:

“What made you feel good about yourself today?”

A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.

The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.

Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,

“What made you feel good today?”

This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.

The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.

When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.

A quick anger buster

Let's break through that quick anger!

Some children can be calm one moment and then without any understanding of what has actually happened, their mood can go from zero to ten. It can quite explosive and frustrating to understand as a parent.

Parents find this difficult to manage given that the behavior comes from an unknown source.

The first thing to understand is that when a child is highly emotive, their reasoning and ability to listen and respond to logic won't be present. Therefore, rationalizing won't work at that point. It is best to wait for a short time and when the child is calmer tell them.

“I get very unhappy when you get angry quickly”.

How do you break through your child's anger?

If the child is then able to tell you what the anger was about, follow with;

“When you have those feelings again, tell me and together we can work it out”. Ask them to give you a number from one to ten as to how they are feeling. This makes it easy for them to explain their frustration level.

It is always good to follow up at night before bed and talk about those angry feelings.

Sometimes instant anger is used as the child's language is not yet developed enough to respond to the situation with effect.

Teach the child that expressing feelings through language is a great way to let you know how they feel.

For example teach them that they can say:

I am angry because

I am sad because

I feel unhappy when

I am frightened when

Expressing emotions out loud actually starts the process of feeling better.

Sometimes having a feelings chart at home can help with younger children. I use it all the time to start conversations about feelings. Children actually look for the chart to start the conversation.

Another way to help is to write down some feeling words and put them around the house. The child could decorate the words and discuss them with you before they are placed on the fridge etc.

 Invite them to use these words when feeling unsettled.

 Getting the feelings out in the open starts the healing process.

Talking with care can become a lesson to the child around the school grounds

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you hear gossip around the traps. This can be unfortunately a common feature in school car parks and quite unsettling. No surprises that you see teachers and Principals smiling and engaging with everyone first thing in the morning and after school. School communities can be an environment that occasionally breeds unfortunate talk around the school grounds.

A child will easily pick up the tone of a conversation and interpret it in their own way.

This article reminds us that often when we engage in conversation that has negative undertones and can include conversation around other people, the child will easily pick up the tone of the conversation and interpret it in their own way. They will be curious about your thoughts and beliefs around the discussion and sometimes they will carry this into the classroom and with their relationships.

Remember children value, want and actually expect your approval of their school environment. They become confused when they hear negative talk around their teacher, school mates, school community etc. Children struggle to understand the full context of what an adult conversation is about, especially if it is had incidentally, and so they may only hear aspects that unsettle them. I recommend that when talking amongst other families on school premises, take care to talk positively and to later reinforce to your child the positive aspects of your conversation.

If you are unsettled about any information or discussion the child has overheard, reassure them that you always seek clarification with the teacher or Principal. Keep in mind that the school occupies a very big part of the life of the child and it needs to be emotionally a safe place in which to work and play. They need to keep a stable disposition around school to gain the very best from their education on various levels, social, emotional and intellectual. A child needs to feel that a parent trusts all aspects of school life and that this is demonstrated by how the parents engages with the school over the year.  Should unsettling conversations occur than a child understands the best approach that is taken by the parent is to be in touch with the school in which they have so much faith.

There are many lessons to be learnt in attending school and not all of them are in the classroom. One important lesson for our children is to understand how to be a community member and how to make positive connections to each other no matter how different or challenging they may be. They observe their parents as they model their behaviour around the school environment. The more a parent displays a positive disposition, especially when around negative conversation and engages with the school optimistically, the more trusting and confident the child will be when they come to engage with school in different ways.

“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve.”

— It's leadership. curiano.com

IT’S OK TO HAVE AN OPINION.

Are you the sort of person that is overwhelmed when strong personalities talk over you? This can be so frustrating. As we grow and develop on emotional, social, intellectual and physical levels we find our place in groups and especially in conversation with each other.

Some people become shy and timid, others develop more confidence in expressing themselves etc. The point here is that whatever the developing personality of your child, they need to find a space for their voice. The best place to start is the comfort of the family.

By this, I mean they need ongoing and regular opportunities to be heard and have the time to express themselves. Some families have special listening times at dinner. Of course bed time is another occasion.

A child needs to know that they have a voice which is valued and that people want to hear what they have to say. This is a right and if they develop feelings that they have opinions that are valued, they grow in self confidence.

This is about strengthening their emotional maturity. They hear conversations but recognise that in that conversation they can have opinions and offer comments.

They will always see models from their parents in terms of how they communicate with different groups.

When working with children, after listening carefully to their concerns it was quite common to include:

“So what do you think of that matter?”

“Do you think there is value in that idea?”

Giving a child the right to a voice gives them the understanding that they are valued. It also teaches them the art of conversation and develops their listening skills and improves literacy skills.

Here are some suggestions to give them a voice.

• At dinnertime, bring up a topic and ask each child to talk about their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Some parents use simple news items of the day.

• Ask your child to write down opinions on a topic. Put them into a box and at dinner read out everyone’s opinions and discuss.

• Use the newspaper to discuss some issues asking your child to comment on the matter.

• When the family talks about an issue, write opinions on a post-it-note and put on the fridge. This is an interesting way to discuss later as a family.

• When watching a film together, stop along the way to ask opinions about some issue that has occurred in the film. This sparks conversation.

We are helping our child grow in confidence to use their voice effectively and to feel reassured that their opinion is important. It may not be the overarching opinion of everyone, but it has a legitimate place in conversation.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise.
Only then can we play along in their world.”

— Vincegowman.com

Five suggestions on how to give your child a voice.

Take care with the language we use around our children

Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.

Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.

Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.

 When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.

For example:

“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”

Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.

If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.

Always add a positive element or spin where possible.

 Affirm in your talk.

 For example:

“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”

Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.

There is no need to have an answer for everything.

“That is interesting. I will think about that”.

In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:

“Why are you talking differently today?”

Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.

It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.

Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.

Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.

Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.

Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.

A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well.  The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.

Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.

Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

How to get rid of that blue feeling

It’s hard to keep the mood positive all the time, even with children. They get quite crowded with thoughts and desires and sometimes struggle to put order into their life.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day. When this occurs, there is a simple and easy way to lift that spirit and most importantly to give the child strategies to help them control their moods. Remember what you are doing here is teaching your child how to manage themselves better from time to time.

Suggest that they write a list of activities or things that makes them feel happy. This could include everything from Lego to dolls to playing games etc. The point of this exercise is to discuss the list of suggestions that can very quickly shift a mood or temperament.

Put the list somewhere visible and discuss the possibility of engaging in some of these activities or simply discussing the fun and joy they receive from them.

The purpose of this exercise is to give the child a way out of thinking moody thoughts. It is about enlightening them on the positive and distracting their negative feelings. Keep the list visible for a while and suggest that the list should be upgraded from time to time especially when new experiences come into play.

When working with children it was quite common practice that they would write down activities or resources that made then feel good. It acted as a distraction to lower sad feelings and it also proved an excellent vehicle to talk about what was valuable in their life.

Children generally like to write or draw their feelings and so it is not an uncommon way to express themselves. A younger child without writing skills can of course simply draw the things that make them feel happy.

A good modelling technique is to demonstrate to your child that when you are feeling low you write a list of things that make you feel better. This modelling is a great example to them that you use similar strategies to deal with mood swings.

 A little bit of distraction can go along way to redirecting feelings.

“Start writing no matter what. The water does not not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

—  Louis D’Amour.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day.