Careful with the language you use around children.

The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.

Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.

The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.

• Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.

• In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.

• Try to build in positive, reassuring language:

“I love that happy face when we clean your room”

“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”

• Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.

• Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.

• In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.

• Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.

• Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.

In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.

Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.

Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.

Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.

Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.

If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult.  Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.

If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.

Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell, Evangelical Christian Pastor.

Timing is everything.

How often do we ask questions and realise the answer was all about bad timing? How about when we plan activities and find its all too much due to poor timing, being tired, too busy, unwell etc.

Choosing the right time to get the best response, change of behaviour, higher level of understanding etc, depends on whether the recipient is in the best mental and physical space to listen and respond.

This article is all about sharpening our awareness of timing in all that we do especially with regard to vulnerable children.

Teachers are very skilled at managing timing issues, as they know that to get the best response from the children, they need to choose a time that is best placed for the activity. They will often check timetables, ensure all children will be available, inform parents well in advance and check to see that weather or other school conditions do not compromise their planned event. The lesson we take from this is that if you want the best response from your child, think carefully about the obstacles that could impinge success.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time to talk to your child about important matters.

For example:

• Is your child well?

• Are they preoccupied?

• Are they anxious about matters that preoccupy them.

• Are they distracted by friends, television etc.

• Are you talking to them about an important matter when they just want to play outside straight away

• Sometimes just after school, before school, getting into cars etc are excitable times and not suitable for discussions about important matters.

• Consider how often you have been talking to them about important matters. Are they on overload?

When working with children, if I had to discuss some issue with a child, I would check to ensure that I was not taking them away from an important activity to them, such as sport, art etc. This seems to them like a punishment and they are distracted from the discussion. Timing is everything.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time.

• Bedtime, when all is quiet is often a popular time to discuss important matters.

• Seek out times when the child is alone and happy to engage in conversation.

• Find times when you are doing activities together such as cooking, playing with Lego etc.

• Choose times when you are receptive to listening what they have to say. You need to create your personal time when you bring up matters that you wish to discuss.  Timing for you is also important.

• Always follow through if the timing does not work out.

“It seems we need to finish this conversations at another time. Let's do it when we have me more time together.”

• Take stock of your own wellness when approaching important conversations or situations. Timing includes the best time for you to discuss matters as well the child.

• Reflect on what you need to say. If it is quite emotive, the timing for discussion must be in a safe place, where you feel ready to discuss the matter and you feel the child will be receptive and not distracted.

• Always check who is around as timing can be influenced by the presence of others such as siblings, other parent, friends, people about to arrive, phone ringing, etc.

Parents can become quite frustrated when poor timing does not resolve a matter. This can lead to built up resentment and then an outburst of frustration which has poor outcomes for everybody. Parents can begin to think that avoidance is happening. Perhaps it is, but it is often driven by the incorrect use of timing.

Keep in mind that intuitive people carefully recognise the signs around them and choose wisely when getting the best from other people. The more astute you are in timing, the greater likelihood of getting the best response.

Learn to be a coach, not an instructor to your child.

Coaches are there to guide and give advice gained from their well earnt experience and training over many years. They are valued because they are not forcing their opinions on you. They are merely giving you the wisdom of their knowledge. They are quite unemotional when it comes to giving advice, but they weigh up all the options in the light of all the information given to them and invite their client to consider the various proposals they make.

What is a significant benefit of coaching is the fact that a coach is an advisory body and leaves it to the client to decide if, how and when they will proceed with suggestions.

Do you allow your child to decide for themselves and learn from their decision?

Consider taking on the role of coach with your child. This will involve being less in control of decisions made for the child and more reflective on looking at options. A child will always value a parent who uses less power and includes the child when making decisions. Being a consultant takes practice on the part of the parent and can be a trial and error process. A parent can start with a child from an early age:

“I have been looking at all your toys. Some are dangerous when you walk on them and some are soft. These are the dangerous ones. It would mean less hurt on your feet if you packed these away first.”

Here you are stating what you know about the safety of the toys. You then point out which one is dangerous when walking around. You leave the decision to the child to move that toy first.  Of course, sometimes you need to give more instruction, but just starting with little examples is an excellent way to become a coach to your child. You are giving sound advice and inviting them to consider the options.

In working with children at school, it was quite common practice to put the options on the table, discuss the pros and cons and then leave the decision to the child. This gives them more ownership of their decisions and they begin to recognise that using the information gained is beneficial to their outcomes. Once a child develops a taste for being a significant part of making their decisions, they usually act very reliably to ensure they take further ownership of decisions. This is all about developing their self awareness and no surprises, self confidence.

 “I hear you want to walk home from school on your own. Let’s look at some factors that concern me and then we can discuss what’s possible”

Note here as consultant you are putting forward experienced reasons why this decision may not suit. Using this approach,  the child is more likely to value your opinions and be less intolerant of the negative reasons you may present.

 If you simply talk about all the negative reasons why the child cannot walk home, they are not included in the decision which to them may seem unjust and also too much use of power.

By putting forward your cases and debating all the reasons both positive and negative, the child feels included in the final decision.

Sometimes being a coach can involve simply putting forward your knowledge about a matter that is under discussion.  For example, if a child talks about smoking, it is a chance to simply state your views on smoking backed by some facts. Such coaching can happen incidentally. It does not challenge any thing particularly it merely outlines your knowledge and beliefs about a matter under discussion.

 Such subtle coaching is an excellent way to get your message across about a range of matters.

When working with children it was often a time for the child to set goals after deciding what they would want to work on. A helpful mechanism was to suggest that they set a goal with a timeline and a plan to check in afterwards. This came from coaching them in areas in which they wanted to improve.

“So it seems to me that you are planning to work on improving your writing. How about setting a time in which you would like to achieve that goal?”

Notice here that expectations are not placed on the child, rather the child sets the plan with your guidance. No pressure attached.

Coaching is about assisting a child to make decisions guided comfortably by your knowledge and experience. It is not intrusive. It allows the child to think for themselves but with responsible guidance.

Finding some one on one time with your child.

How difficult is it to find time for all the things you need to do? Of course it is difficult.

We live in a very busy world with time being the most precious commodity we can find.

This article is about establishing some quality ‘one on one time’ regularly with your child. This is not easy, especially if you have several children, but it is not impossible and just so necessary.

Consider the advantages:

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Your child will feel special. You can just talk about the uniqueness of the child and they can tell you their feelings which they alone own.

 It demonstrates to the child that their uniqueness is special and you value it and want to focus on it.

The child realises that this time together will give them an occasion to be with their parent alone. Therefore, they may store up important things to say to them during this time.

 Here are some suggestions to find that individual time with your child.

• Discuss with the family the importance of spending individual time with each child. They may have their own ideas on how this is possible.

• Put the information on the fridge so that you can refer to it regularly.

• Check on the school timetable. There may be some better times to remove them from school for a few hours.

• Attending sporting events is important but occasionally just take them yourself and spend time with them afterwards to talk about the game.

• Write little notes to your child. Put them in their lunch box:

“Catch you tonight. Let’s talk after dinner.”

• Are there any joint activities you can do together, such as a club, art classes etc.

• When going to the shops for a quick purchase could just one child go with you?

• Talk to them about the things you notice that are unique to that child. For example, their unique smile, sense of humor etc. It is about bringing out their individuality and that is what you love the most.

An important key to building relationships is to keep reminding the child that spending one on one time is important to you. It is amazing what you learn from just being together.

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Don’t be a probing parent.

We are all trying our best to be the parent who knows everything about their children.

After all, the more we know, the more we can be helpful.

Well maybe.

There is quite a fine line with regard to this issue.

We need, as a parent, to carefully manage our questioning and our probing into their lives. No surprises, that sometimes our children just shut down on us and when asking such questions as:

What is the best way engage with your child?

“How was school today?”

All you get in response is:

“Good.”

This is the great one liner “Good” that many parents are given when asking questions that we think are reasonable and fair. Parents often think that when they receive such an answer their children are either disengaged or hopeful that you will just go away!

As an adult are you always keen to answer questions at work and at home? Sometimes we are keen that such a question will just go away. It is also the case with our children. Sometimes they are just not ready to answer the question.

What we need to be careful about is how we ask questions. If  they are constant, repetitive and irritating, a child will shut down. Probing questions are evident when we keep at the issue, asking about it in several ways.

“Where did you go?”

“What did you do then?”

          “What did they say?”

“What did you do then?”

Such frequent probing just causes a child to shut down.

Where to now?

The best way to keep engaged with your child is firstly to respect the fact that sometimes they are just not ready to answer questions. This can be for many reasons including feeling inadequate or anxious about the consequences, tired or simply wanting some space from the issue. This latter point is often the case just after school.

 It is best to pose questions in an open-ended way with no set expectation of an answer. For example:

“I was wondering how you went today?”

“When ready, let me know how you went on that test”

“Sounds like your day was very busy. I wonder what made it so busy?”

Note here that there is an invitation to respond and not a probing question or demand. It implies, I am really interested in the matter but I am happy to hear about it when you are ready to respond.

In working with children, it was important to phrase questions or inquiries in similar, non probing or threatening terms.

“Today it sounds like you had some troubles. I wonder what went right and what went wrong?”

The more you invite responses with no direct or demanding expectation for an answer but rather you are pondering and wondering about the matter, the more likely you will receive a response.

Here are a few final tips on the matter.

• Take care to only ask one question at a time. Several questions given at once, causes shutdown.

• Be relaxed when posing the questions where no intimidation is apparent in your body language.

• If you are feeling anxious or tired consider the suitability of the timing in asking the questions.

• Consider how important the question is at the time. You will be more successful in getting responses when the timing is right and the child does not have too many preoccupations.

• It is also helpful to thank the child for giving you an answer.

“Thanks for keeping me informed. I now know why you were late.”

• Remember a child responds best to warmth and non threatening situations where they feel there is no judgement. Posing probing questions can put blame and anxiety on to the child.

• Keep your stance consistently positive as best as possible to preserve the relationship.

“The most effective people know how to ask great questions and to learn from listening.”

— www.jaywren.com

Giving real attention to your child.

“Of course”, I hear you say, “I give my child plenty of attention.”

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

Parents will naturally try to be available to their child as often as possible. However, giving real attention is more about how you present yourself when attending to a child. When working with children it was common to hear them say that no one listens to them. When discussing this with parents they would be surprised and naturally reflect on how much time they gave their child.

This article is not so much about giving more time but rather improving the quality of attending to a child. So much of our parenting is done on the run!

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

• ·When a child wants to talk to you about some matter decide if you have the time to stop and listen. If not then say,

“That’ s important to you. I want to talk to you about that later”

• When listening to the child sit comfortably and give positive, uninterrupted eye contact. This shows the child that you are really paying attention. Take care no to jump in to the conversation too quickly. This stops their flow of conversation and questions whether you are really listening to them. It also disrupts their flow of conversation.

• Often a child (especially a younger child) talks too much but waiting patiently will get you to the issue. Find a personal space in which to talk quietly so that you are not distracted.

• Do not do this process if you are not in the right frame of mind to listen. Delaying the conversation leads to better success later.

• Interject with “hmm, keep going, that’s interesting.” Such interjections encourages the child to keep talking as you are really listening and interested.

• If another child, intervenes in the conversation, it is important to remind them that you are only talking to one person and that is important to you.

• Find a space that is not too noisy. It is amazing how quiet spaces encourage listening.

• Watch your body language and voice control. Keep it consistent throughout the conversation. Negative body language can stop conversation and place value judgements on what is being said.

• Never understate the importance of the child’s conversation. Be consistent in your behaviour towards their conversations. If they believe you are a real listener then be a listener.

• Once the child has disclosed what they want to say and you are ready to talk about the matter, affirm them for their efforts and acknowledge how you really enjoy listening to what they have to say.

“Thanks for keeping me well informed. You really told me what is on your mind.”

These suggestions work well when you have the time. Keep in mind that effective listening is much more valuable than spending more time listening ineffectively and often “on the run”. The child demands less from you when they feel that real listening occurs.

How to be helpful when a child is really upset.

Think about yourself for a minute. When you are truly upset, how much real listening occurs? Very little is the simple answer. No one listens to advice when feeling under pressure.

The same applies to children. When anxieties reach high levels, it is best to allow time for the child to calm down and to allow the high emotions to work through their system. Of course, younger children will go from zero to ten fairly quickly with upset feelings. Once emotions cloud listening, there is no chance to talk through issues or to be the solver of problems.

The following is the best way to help a child when displaying very upset behaviour.

How do you help your child when they’re upset?

• Ensure they are safe.

• Provide a quite climate if possible.

• Try not to interrupt the upset child with reassurance, until their upset condition has reduced significantly.

• Be present and in the case of a younger child, sometimes just holding them closely is comforting.

• Try not to interpret the behaviour too quickly. Just be present and calm when the emotions are high.

• If possible, try to eliminate other distractions such as other siblings talking or interfering, television, noise, etc. Sometimes dimming lights, creating a subtle environment is helpful and quite soothing for the child.

When the child seems calmer it may be possible to talk about what was so upsetting. Sometimes it is best to leave it till later.

 Simple reassurance is helpful at that point:

“Something has really upset you. When you are ready, I am happy to talk to you about it”.

This is not a time for probing and questioning the child about the upset condition. There is sometimes residual anxiety that comes after a big upset and children need time to recover and process their feelings. There is no need as a parent to solve the problem and to make the child happy again. A child’s equilibrium will come after they feel better in themselves and move on to other issues.

Being upset and reacting to issues is a normal part of growing up. Children need to feel that expressing feelings is acceptable. As adults we tend to tailor our responses to anxiety quite differently, as we are conscious of other people, social pressures etc. I suppose we call this working towards emotional maturity.

It is quite acceptable and natural as a parent to be upset from time to time and for your child to see your reaction to being upset. This is modelling to your child that it is natural to be affected by issues and that as a parent you need time to process the issue. What a child observes, is how you handle the upsets and how you manage yourself. It is best to talk to your child about what upset you and how you managed that upset condition. Hiding vulnerable emotions from your child only makes them anxious.

Making sense of a messy world for a child

How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc?  No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.

We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.

We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.

To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.

With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.

For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.

Lead them into the conversations gently:

“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”

Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.

Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.

Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!

When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.

In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.

Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.

The importance of peers and friends

Never underestimate your importance as the parent in the life of your child. However, you do need to move over a little and allow space for your child's peers and friends. They are key to strengthening and reassuring your child in the important area of building self esteem and self worth.

Imagine a world where your only influences were your parents! A scarey thought!

What is central to a child's world is your acceptance and understanding of their friends and the outside influences they present to your family. Sometimes this can be quite challenging for parents particularly if your child chooses friends with a totally different perspective and perhaps different parenting experiences.

How you choose to respond will have an impact on your child. They will either be open and engaging with you, as you show acceptance of their choices, or they go underground and don't inform you as much about their movements. This often happens when the child does have independence around the age of later primary years.

How you choose to respond to your child’s friendships will have an impact them.

Your child will be anxious that you accept their choices of friends and look for your response and support. The following are suggestions to ensure that you still remain in charge but demonstrate how willing you are to respect their journey in finding friendships and understanding about friendships:

• Always listen to your child when they talk about their friends. Show interest by asking non invasive questions about how they enjoy their friendship.

“You seem to like playing with Tom. He is someone you spend quite some time with often.”

• When your child talks about let downs in friendship, ensure that you show empathy, but not offer strong opinions about the lost friend. Friendships come and go and children remember if you talk about others positively or negatively. This can make them very confused. So why talk to you about a friend that you have strong opinions about?

• Discuss your family friends and what makes you enjoy each other's company.

• Be open to inviting their friends to the house and although care and precaution is taken when your child is at another home, be positive for them and look forward to talking about the experience later.

• Be open to challenges in this area. If your child wants to do something with friends a little more adventurous, rather than dismissing the idea, talk it through. Can some compromise be reached where they feel that they have some choice in the matter?

• The key is to keep them open in conversation and engaged with you when talking about their friends. This will also include their losses and gains along the way. If they seek you out for counsel as to why the relationship didn't work, take care not to lay blame on the other child.

“Sometimes, a friend can grow and change in a different way to yourself.”

• Keep in mind that they see how you still value the other child when they are not your child's friend anymore.

• Be inclusive when you talk about friends.

• Talk positively about friendship even though at times people move on.

As the child grows and comes to understand friendship from more mature eyes, they will remember and value keeping you informed about their journey if they find that you are an effective listener, not quick to react and open to discussing problematic issues with an open mind.

In the school setting, children learn many lessons about friendships broken and made.

When working with children who felt their parents were very controlling about their world, they would sometimes talk about how their life at school with friends was so important to them.

When school friendships are discussed and carry on into family life, the child feels better connected. The key is simply to keep the doors open when it comes to their growth with friends.

The whole family will grow and often in surprising ways if you are inclusive, inviting and respectful of your child's choices of friends.

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.

Teaching children to celebrate the positive actions of others

Our children will develop physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally overtime. Teachers are very conscious to ensure that they model and teach children the value of affirming others when they succeed. For some children this is not a difficult awareness to develop but for other children it can take quite some time as they put their own interests ahead of others. Sport is a typical example of how some children feel frustrated if they do not win and struggle to enjoy success for other children.

Whilst to some degree, children will learn in various ways the value of affirming others, there is still the importance of teaching them the value of being generally happy for other children when they succeed, sometimes over themselves.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

In schools there are various programs designed to not only focus on building resilience when things go wrong but also to recognise in themselves how mature they are to value the success of others.

Of course, in saying this, I appreciate that we are dealing after all with children and their emotions are slowing evolving but the home environment can be a profound learning space for respecting and valuing others. Parent's modelling can make such a difference.

Here are some examples upon which to reflect:

•        When together as a family, discuss the success of some people you admire. Talk about the difference they make through their skills or gifts.

•        Read stories of people you admire to the children.

•        Actively acknowledge other children at sport venues etc. that do well.

When a child praises the success of another, tell them how proud you are that they can recognise the successes of another child.

                         “ How clever you are to notice John's running skills. Tell me more.”

Invite the family to write a genuine comment on each other. This is a positive statement about a strength you notice in that person. Talk about these comments when all together.

When working with children, especially those who felt poorly about their efforts, it was common practice to list all those children who spoke highly of them. You give them open sentence starters to talk positively about other children. Often you would start sentences with:

                         “I like Mary because..”

                        “John is friendly and..”

                        “Joshua has wonderful....”

Teachers would often use this tactic in a classroom, inviting all children to write one very happy comment about each other. It was amazing how it awakened an appreciation of others and lowered anxiety in the room. It also gave the child the strong message that finding the richness in each other was highly valued.

What these exercises are doing is skilling the child to notice the positive and to highlight it publicly.

It also touches on learning about your own limits.

Think about those people whom we like to gravitate around. No surprises that it is the people who see the value and admire the positive in people.

“People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.......”

— Maya Angelou

Parenting differently

Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.

This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.

Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.

Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.

It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.

No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.

Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.

Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.

Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.

• Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\

• Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.

• Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.

• Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.

Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:

“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”

Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.

If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.

“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.

When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.

“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”

As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.

“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”

In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.

The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.

Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.

Setting the limits.

This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?

Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.

If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.

Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.  

Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.

Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.

·       Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.

·       Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.

“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”

“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”

Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.

• Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.

• Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.

• Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent.  In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.

Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.

Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.

No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.

It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.

“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”

— Charlotte Sophia Kasi

A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY

Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:

One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.

“What made you happy today?”

Also another way to express the day is to ask:

“What made you feel good about yourself today?”

A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.

The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.

Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,

“What made you feel good today?”

This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.

The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.

When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.

Fairness... innate in some children.

Do you have a child that gets quite upset when they see others not being fair or just? Some children become quite distressed if fairness is not followed through when incidences occur.

A chart can help an understanding of justice in a child's world.

At a very young age, some children have a very well developed sense of fairness which at times makes them isolated from other less developed children who display selfishness, break rules in games etc. This can be a difficult area for parents who in managing a family have to set rules which at times are adjusted to suit shifting demands.

Is it any wonder that children with a strong sense of justice become quite distressed when they see fairness break down and rules seem different for others?

I recommend firstly applauding the child for their mature sense of fairness and in fact read books where the heroes are children who win the day because of their sense of justice.

Draw up a chart where the child has the opportunity to rate the situation where they became angry due to unfairness. Give it a rating out of five. Talk it through with them explaining that other children are on a journey to get better at fairness. This gives the child a chance to tell you why it wasn't fair and together you suggest what could have happened to make it better.

This is a wonderful time to talk about how everyone's mind is developing and working towards getting better at fairness. Keep the chart somewhere visible and as each incident is discussed it may help them to understand how others are still working on building their understanding of fairness.

It is also a chance for you to tell your child how proud you are of their developed sense of fairness and tolerance to others. You could also invite the child to rate their distress at the incident in the hope that after a while they learn to lower their distress,

This is a tricky area given the shifting understandings of justice in a child's world. This activity helps to ease their anxiety and affirm their credibility.

A quick anger buster

Let's break through that quick anger!

Some children can be calm one moment and then without any understanding of what has actually happened, their mood can go from zero to ten. It can quite explosive and frustrating to understand as a parent.

Parents find this difficult to manage given that the behavior comes from an unknown source.

The first thing to understand is that when a child is highly emotive, their reasoning and ability to listen and respond to logic won't be present. Therefore, rationalizing won't work at that point. It is best to wait for a short time and when the child is calmer tell them.

“I get very unhappy when you get angry quickly”.

How do you break through your child's anger?

If the child is then able to tell you what the anger was about, follow with;

“When you have those feelings again, tell me and together we can work it out”. Ask them to give you a number from one to ten as to how they are feeling. This makes it easy for them to explain their frustration level.

It is always good to follow up at night before bed and talk about those angry feelings.

Sometimes instant anger is used as the child's language is not yet developed enough to respond to the situation with effect.

Teach the child that expressing feelings through language is a great way to let you know how they feel.

For example teach them that they can say:

I am angry because

I am sad because

I feel unhappy when

I am frightened when

Expressing emotions out loud actually starts the process of feeling better.

Sometimes having a feelings chart at home can help with younger children. I use it all the time to start conversations about feelings. Children actually look for the chart to start the conversation.

Another way to help is to write down some feeling words and put them around the house. The child could decorate the words and discuss them with you before they are placed on the fridge etc.

 Invite them to use these words when feeling unsettled.

 Getting the feelings out in the open starts the healing process.

Talking with care can become a lesson to the child around the school grounds

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you hear gossip around the traps. This can be unfortunately a common feature in school car parks and quite unsettling. No surprises that you see teachers and Principals smiling and engaging with everyone first thing in the morning and after school. School communities can be an environment that occasionally breeds unfortunate talk around the school grounds.

A child will easily pick up the tone of a conversation and interpret it in their own way.

This article reminds us that often when we engage in conversation that has negative undertones and can include conversation around other people, the child will easily pick up the tone of the conversation and interpret it in their own way. They will be curious about your thoughts and beliefs around the discussion and sometimes they will carry this into the classroom and with their relationships.

Remember children value, want and actually expect your approval of their school environment. They become confused when they hear negative talk around their teacher, school mates, school community etc. Children struggle to understand the full context of what an adult conversation is about, especially if it is had incidentally, and so they may only hear aspects that unsettle them. I recommend that when talking amongst other families on school premises, take care to talk positively and to later reinforce to your child the positive aspects of your conversation.

If you are unsettled about any information or discussion the child has overheard, reassure them that you always seek clarification with the teacher or Principal. Keep in mind that the school occupies a very big part of the life of the child and it needs to be emotionally a safe place in which to work and play. They need to keep a stable disposition around school to gain the very best from their education on various levels, social, emotional and intellectual. A child needs to feel that a parent trusts all aspects of school life and that this is demonstrated by how the parents engages with the school over the year.  Should unsettling conversations occur than a child understands the best approach that is taken by the parent is to be in touch with the school in which they have so much faith.

There are many lessons to be learnt in attending school and not all of them are in the classroom. One important lesson for our children is to understand how to be a community member and how to make positive connections to each other no matter how different or challenging they may be. They observe their parents as they model their behaviour around the school environment. The more a parent displays a positive disposition, especially when around negative conversation and engages with the school optimistically, the more trusting and confident the child will be when they come to engage with school in different ways.

“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve.”

— It's leadership. curiano.com

IT’S OK TO HAVE AN OPINION.

Are you the sort of person that is overwhelmed when strong personalities talk over you? This can be so frustrating. As we grow and develop on emotional, social, intellectual and physical levels we find our place in groups and especially in conversation with each other.

Some people become shy and timid, others develop more confidence in expressing themselves etc. The point here is that whatever the developing personality of your child, they need to find a space for their voice. The best place to start is the comfort of the family.

By this, I mean they need ongoing and regular opportunities to be heard and have the time to express themselves. Some families have special listening times at dinner. Of course bed time is another occasion.

A child needs to know that they have a voice which is valued and that people want to hear what they have to say. This is a right and if they develop feelings that they have opinions that are valued, they grow in self confidence.

This is about strengthening their emotional maturity. They hear conversations but recognise that in that conversation they can have opinions and offer comments.

They will always see models from their parents in terms of how they communicate with different groups.

When working with children, after listening carefully to their concerns it was quite common to include:

“So what do you think of that matter?”

“Do you think there is value in that idea?”

Giving a child the right to a voice gives them the understanding that they are valued. It also teaches them the art of conversation and develops their listening skills and improves literacy skills.

Here are some suggestions to give them a voice.

• At dinnertime, bring up a topic and ask each child to talk about their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Some parents use simple news items of the day.

• Ask your child to write down opinions on a topic. Put them into a box and at dinner read out everyone’s opinions and discuss.

• Use the newspaper to discuss some issues asking your child to comment on the matter.

• When the family talks about an issue, write opinions on a post-it-note and put on the fridge. This is an interesting way to discuss later as a family.

• When watching a film together, stop along the way to ask opinions about some issue that has occurred in the film. This sparks conversation.

We are helping our child grow in confidence to use their voice effectively and to feel reassured that their opinion is important. It may not be the overarching opinion of everyone, but it has a legitimate place in conversation.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise.
Only then can we play along in their world.”

— Vincegowman.com

Five suggestions on how to give your child a voice.

Take care with the language we use around our children

Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.

Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.

Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.

 When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.

For example:

“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”

Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.

If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.

Always add a positive element or spin where possible.

 Affirm in your talk.

 For example:

“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”

Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.

There is no need to have an answer for everything.

“That is interesting. I will think about that”.

In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:

“Why are you talking differently today?”

Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.

It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.

Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.

Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.

Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.

Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.

A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well.  The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.

Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.