As school closes and holidays begin

Now it’s time to really rest and recover from a confusing and complex year. It is a time to gather with family and friends and above all to strengthen connections.

Children will be excited about holidays and carry some slight reservation about the year to date. No matter how the year went for your family with lockdowns etc, Christmas is a good time to put some ritual and normality into their lives. It is pointless reflecting on goals not achieved or plans abandoned. What’s done is done. Now is the time to bring some hope and joy into your life as a family. Christmas in a way is putting normality and ritual back into their lives.

A few latent thoughts about school, 2021.

• Try to not reflect on what was not achieved. Teachers will have done their best under the circumstances.

• You will actually be surprised how much your child has learnt over the year and in surprisingly different ways. Children are more sensitised to how society is responding to such a crisis as the pandemic. Their maturity and self-awareness will have been given a sudden and unexpected jolt. Perhaps they are more intuitive about where and how to function around people. They have learnt to accept less and to be patient and tolerant of others. In our society, which has been focussing on the individual for some time, the lockdowns and pandemic has forced us to look at the common good for all. It has been about compromising lifestyle so that lives are saved.

• Schools have worked hard to put a good closure on the school year and no doubt some positive talk about next year, would have been the order of the day, especially discussing class groups etc. The children would have left the school, hopeful and excited for 2022. I have every confidence in the positive speak that teachers would have given the children in their planning for the New Year. Their job is all about giving children hope through the learning experience.

• Tap into your child from time to time, to understand how they are processing and reflecting on the 2021 year. Some children may need to talk more about their experiences and feelings, others may be quick to move on. It will be different for each child. Listen carefully to your child to hear their cry for support.

• Above all look to the future with optimism and give your child a clear understanding of how you, as a family are managing the ongoing situation. Keep them well informed (age appropriate) and talk positively about how the new year will present challenges and opportunities.

‘Optimism is a kind of stimulant- the digitalis of failure.’

-Elbert Hubbard

A few thoughts as school closes for the year

It has occurred to me recently that some families are feeling some delayed anxiety over what formal schooling the children have missed for yet another year. Understandably, this can play on your mind. Perhaps you should be compensating for missed contact hours at school? Below are some thoughts to set your mind at ease.

• It has been a level playing field for all schools. Therefore, teachers in the new year will adjust in their teaching to accommodate the previously dishevelled year. Teachers will plan with this in mind in the new year and allow time for children to catch up. Their job is to work from where the child is at in their learning.

• The best way to support your child during the holidays is to keep up with reading. For younger children you will be more involved and for the independent readers just plan time in the family when reading is part of the daily routine.

• Keep conversations alive in the family and invite your child to talk as much as possible. This helps develop oral language and also feeds into auditory learning where listening is important.  Therefore, ask your child questions and allow them time to respond. We need to keep all aspects of learning and developing literacy as high as possible.

• Play games together. Jigsaw puzzles are wonderful for developing the brain. Reduce activities that are solo based. The more group activities involving coordination, conversation, negotiation and team efforts are excellent for further developing intuitive thought.

• Schools teach through the Inquiry approach which is all about questioning. When you see something worth discussing have robust discussions and invite opinions and questions by your child. This means giving less answers and being less opinionated or correct as the adult. Nothing stops a child more from talking than an opiniated adult or one that has all the answers.

• Affirm your child when they show initiatives in different directions.  Creativity is so important to nurture in our children. This is all about a child developing a curious and uninhibited attitude to life. Remember, whatever they try is a success and not a failure. They will be more inclined to keep showing initiative when encouraged.

• During the holidays keep the variety of activities going throughout the break. This invites a child to use their brain in different ways. Of course, we all know how long hours on the computer is sole destroying for enlivening the brain. It deadens the spirit an destroys healthy conversation.

• Even though formal school time was down in 2021, a child’s summer break is incredibly important for revival, sunshine, fresh air and childhood joy. If we deprive them of this, they will not have the recovery needed to begin another school year well. They will start 2022 with some residual unhappy feelings of the previous, interrupted school year. A refreshing holiday revives their spirit and enthusiasm to begin again with hope. I refer here to mental health which will have a direct impact on next year’s success if not handled well. Preparation is everything.

• If you have a child that likes to write, give them a journal for Christmas and invite them to record their holiday experiences in it. Less reluctant writers could write out shopping lists, etc.

Finally, worry less about what this year had to offer for your child as they will quickly reflect on your attitude and this can put doubt in their mind about moving forward positively and successfully.  You cannot change what has happened this year but you can influence a developing perception of next year. Children learn best when free of anxiety and self doubt.

‘We are what we believe we are.’

-C S Lewis

When to simply ignore the problem

This cannot always be easy and yet it can be a troublesome area for parents who struggle to let go of issues or behaviours that are poor. We all have our buttons that can be pushed easily. We need to know our measures and what triggers our reaction to different situations. Sometimes, simply tiredness and fatigue can shorten our tolerance level. Also, there are some situations that make parents more reactive or anxious when a child behaves inappropriately. This article is to invite reflection on the whole area of when it is better to simply ignore certain behaviours. Why you ask, when the behaviour is inappropriate? Well, consider:

• The stronger reactions we have to our child’s behaviour, the more they grow to expect that response. Therefore, are we sometimes feeding the problem as they will repeat the pattern with no change.

• Is the unacceptable behaviour on a scale of one to ten that important to correct? Sometimes it is best to simply accept that their childish ways can be live around.

• Reflect on why you want the behaviour corrected or changed. Are the reasons valid or are you reacting to what others may think etc?

• The more you have a day labelled with corrections and chastisement, the more debilitating it becomes for all. Keep in mind that in this case, the effectiveness of your reactions is very low. This of course makes us further frustrated. Do you know the point where it’s best to stop reacting?

• Be selective. If you notice some behaviour that is unacceptable, choose the best time to talk to your child and deal with the matter. Often quick responses in busy settings like shopping centres are ineffective. You want your child listening and available in conversation to get the best results.

• If your child is having an off day or simply not well, be sensitive to dealing with the problems. Try to be proactive and provide a climate that gives you and the child a softer landing.

• When is a problem really a problem? Keep this in mind when you see behaviour in which you have an immediate reaction. Sometimes the problem can resolve itself without your intervention. Keep this in mind.

• Try to not react straightway, because after a small reflection you may see the situation differently or with less intensity. This makes for a softer resolution for all. Timing is everything.

• Keep in mind that they are childhood behaviours, sometimes driven with intent, sometimes carelessly done and sometimes without thinking. Try to ascertain the intent and this may help you to see that the problem is actually less important to manage.

Your journey as a parent on many levels seems very long, but upon later reflection, you will wonder where the years went. The overall impression for the child as an adult is that you were fair and loving, a great listener, negotiator and a sympathetic parent. Best to work on developing that impression than one of being focussed on suppressing behaviour.  

‘Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all.’

                                                        -PinArt

The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go

Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation.  When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.

Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.

• By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.

• Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.

• It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.

• To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.

• Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.

• Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.

• Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.

• Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.

• Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.

• Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.

Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.

‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.

But being negative will guarantee you won’t.

                                                       -Jon Gordon

If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself

We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.

• A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.

• When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.

‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’

Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.

‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’

 Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.

The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.

‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’

Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.

Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.

‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’

There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.

‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’ 

Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.

‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’

-Jim Rohn

What to keep from our lockdown experience?

Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.

Feeling better about yourself

Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing?  Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.

The value of personal time

Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.

What have you learnt about yourself?

Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.

The development of new family habits

Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.

What have you really learnt about your child?

As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.

The joy of keeping life simple

Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!

 Keep a record of what you want to cherish

Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.

Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style

After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.

Keeping the connection strong and constant

The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.

 The value of deeper listening

With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.