Take care with words

Sometimes words stick! Especially if they are offensive.

The old saying:

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” …

Remember, children don’t always hear the whole sentence and can take in one word only.

Totally untrue! I would say that most issues on the school yard that ended in fights were caused by the use of inappropriate words, simply name calling.

In my experience angry, upset children who were cross with their parents, teachers or friends would talk about the words that were used against them.

“Don’t be silly. The answer is in the book”

“You play footy like a monkey. You walk funny.”

Now in each of the above statements the person speaking would naturally deny that they called a child a name. Actually, all the child heard was the name and that made them feel very uncomfortable and hurt. They quickly identified with the name.

“That was a silly thing to do. The lid was clearly on the bench.”

All the child hears is that they were called “silly” while the person making the statement would say that they referred to the act of being silly and not the person. Too late! All that is heard and interpreted is the word “silly”.

Teachers often find themselves in a dilemma with students if they slip in their use of such words. They take care not to use words like silly, dumb stupid etc. as the child takes on the message that it refers to them.

Here are some common words we often use in our language. These are words which children internalise and consequently feel poorly as a result. Once the word is heard, the rest of what is said falls short.

Words such as silly, dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, lazy, careless, selfish, ignorant. I have heard children complaining of all of the above words being used on them.

Using words that are internalised by the child, even though you were not intending them to be personalised are often remembered for quite a while with children.

It is best to take the safest route with children and avoid such words in your conversations no matter in what context you were using them.

You would be surprised how quickly those words do hurt them and chip away at their feelings of self-worth.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will definitely hurt me!”

The importance of keeping attachment strong.

Attachment of the parent and child starts well before birth. The desire to attach, be comforted and feel secure, is such a precious and necessary part of our development. Young parents work hard to ensure that bonding happens early with the infant. As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.  

When the child starts school there is certainly giant leaps in the desire to develop independence, but be aware that they still want their attachment with their parents, strong and consistent. As they reach out for independence, consider the following important facts which contribute to healthy bonding.

As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.

• From time to time, simply repeat how much you love them. Perhaps you merely love all the precious things they do. The message is simply that you are bonded to them through unconditional love.

• When they reach for more independence, just reassure them that you are always available.

“It sounds like you really want to walk home independently. Just remember I am around if you need me.”

If this is the case, talk to your child about how you always felt that your parents were there. Discuss how this made you feel.

• Talk to your child about what makes them feel happy. Do they trust that you are always present for them even in difficult times? This is worthy of discussion.

• As a family are you openly affectionate? Being affectionate with cuddles and sitting together closely is an important part of feeling bonded. This can happen with children of all ages. There is not a time of growing out of this habit. Although as a teenager they may give you some grief about being affectionate around peers. This is natural!

• Write occasional notes to them about how much you love them. Put these notes in their lunchbox or bedroom. These are just little surprises. They are reassuring reminders.

• Talk positively about your child in front of others. Let them hear what you publicly feel about them.

• If you were fortunate enough to have loving parents yourself, talk about how you felt attached to your parents. What special gifts did they have which brought you together?

• Spend time with your child at bedtime. Talk about the special things that make you feel close to your child. Be quite specific.

• Do practical, happy activities together such as singing, dancing, camping and doing interdependent activities such as cooking, cycling etc. All these ongoing activities remind the child that they are happily attached to their parents and sharing common grounds when it comes to enjoying life.

Throughout their growing years keeping attachment steady is all about reassuring the child that whatever the growth curves, you still love the child unconditionally.

When I became a Principal, I was disappointed that I had lost a strong contact with children as I was not actively involved in their teaching. From time to time, I would produce and direct school plays and I felt the closeness once again with students as we were bonded closely throughout the play, having a common purpose.

To keep your family attachment strong, you need to work on building the family story together and sharing in substantial parts of your lives across different periods.   

“The propensity to makes strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature. ”

— John Bowlby, www.allaboutpsychology.com

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.

The big question, “But why?”

How often do our children ask us why? Often due to fatigue we just simply say “because” or “I said so.”

This response has a very short shelf life and the child will come back with more questions. The purpose of this article is to recognise that answering a child with honesty and truth is so important. If we do not offer reasonable explanations, it is common practice that they will seek answers elsewhere and this is not recommended.

Of course, younger children may ask many questions which can become tedious and repetitive. However, it is important to start the habit early of giving the child a reasonable response that is clear and accurate.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

• Keep your responses short and to the point.

• Always check in with your child if they understood your response. Keep the question on hold if you can’t answer straight away.

• If you do not know the answer then say so.

“I don’t know why that car is damaged”

• If you do not have the answer but can find the answer later, just say so.

“I don’t know why the tree is damaged. I will find out and tell you later.”

• Affirm the child for being inquisitive and show interest in the inquiring nature of the child.

“You have many questions. I can see how interested you are in so many things.”

Try not to shut the child down when asking questions, especially if they tend to repeat the same questions. This often means that they are still unclear about the reasons given.

The questioning is a normal part of growing up. The key point here is to let your child know that you value the question and will answer when you have the information.

This is all about bringing the child back to the same source, the parent when asking questions.

When working with children, it was important to listen carefully to the questions being asked as they were a key to how the child felt about a particular situation. It also was an entry point to talk about important matters.

“Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.”

Teachers use an inquiry method of teaching which is all about the child asking questions and working through the learning by posing questions.

                “You seem concerned about your maths test. Do you want to discuss it now?”

When a child asks repeated questions about the same topic it could be a cue that they have worries or concerns that need to be addressed. Simply respond to the series of questions by saying,

“Something is on your mind and I would like us to talk about it when you are ready.”

Children asking questions give us a clue to how they are processing, what are their interests and what preoccupies their thinking. This is helpful in supporting their needs physically and emotionally.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

Above all, give the strong impression to the child that questioning about the world, how they feel and what makes us tick are all part of being a healthy, mentally active child who does not feel the boundaries of controlling their thinking.

“Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot.”

—  pininterest.com

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

Careful with the language you use around children.

The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.

Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.

The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.

• Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.

• In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.

• Try to build in positive, reassuring language:

“I love that happy face when we clean your room”

“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”

• Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.

• Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.

• In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.

• Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.

• Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.

In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.

Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.

Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.

Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.

Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.

If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult.  Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.

If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.

Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell, Evangelical Christian Pastor.

Timing is everything.

How often do we ask questions and realise the answer was all about bad timing? How about when we plan activities and find its all too much due to poor timing, being tired, too busy, unwell etc.

Choosing the right time to get the best response, change of behaviour, higher level of understanding etc, depends on whether the recipient is in the best mental and physical space to listen and respond.

This article is all about sharpening our awareness of timing in all that we do especially with regard to vulnerable children.

Teachers are very skilled at managing timing issues, as they know that to get the best response from the children, they need to choose a time that is best placed for the activity. They will often check timetables, ensure all children will be available, inform parents well in advance and check to see that weather or other school conditions do not compromise their planned event. The lesson we take from this is that if you want the best response from your child, think carefully about the obstacles that could impinge success.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time to talk to your child about important matters.

For example:

• Is your child well?

• Are they preoccupied?

• Are they anxious about matters that preoccupy them.

• Are they distracted by friends, television etc.

• Are you talking to them about an important matter when they just want to play outside straight away

• Sometimes just after school, before school, getting into cars etc are excitable times and not suitable for discussions about important matters.

• Consider how often you have been talking to them about important matters. Are they on overload?

When working with children, if I had to discuss some issue with a child, I would check to ensure that I was not taking them away from an important activity to them, such as sport, art etc. This seems to them like a punishment and they are distracted from the discussion. Timing is everything.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time.

• Bedtime, when all is quiet is often a popular time to discuss important matters.

• Seek out times when the child is alone and happy to engage in conversation.

• Find times when you are doing activities together such as cooking, playing with Lego etc.

• Choose times when you are receptive to listening what they have to say. You need to create your personal time when you bring up matters that you wish to discuss.  Timing for you is also important.

• Always follow through if the timing does not work out.

“It seems we need to finish this conversations at another time. Let's do it when we have me more time together.”

• Take stock of your own wellness when approaching important conversations or situations. Timing includes the best time for you to discuss matters as well the child.

• Reflect on what you need to say. If it is quite emotive, the timing for discussion must be in a safe place, where you feel ready to discuss the matter and you feel the child will be receptive and not distracted.

• Always check who is around as timing can be influenced by the presence of others such as siblings, other parent, friends, people about to arrive, phone ringing, etc.

Parents can become quite frustrated when poor timing does not resolve a matter. This can lead to built up resentment and then an outburst of frustration which has poor outcomes for everybody. Parents can begin to think that avoidance is happening. Perhaps it is, but it is often driven by the incorrect use of timing.

Keep in mind that intuitive people carefully recognise the signs around them and choose wisely when getting the best from other people. The more astute you are in timing, the greater likelihood of getting the best response.

Learn to be a coach, not an instructor to your child.

Coaches are there to guide and give advice gained from their well earnt experience and training over many years. They are valued because they are not forcing their opinions on you. They are merely giving you the wisdom of their knowledge. They are quite unemotional when it comes to giving advice, but they weigh up all the options in the light of all the information given to them and invite their client to consider the various proposals they make.

What is a significant benefit of coaching is the fact that a coach is an advisory body and leaves it to the client to decide if, how and when they will proceed with suggestions.

Do you allow your child to decide for themselves and learn from their decision?

Consider taking on the role of coach with your child. This will involve being less in control of decisions made for the child and more reflective on looking at options. A child will always value a parent who uses less power and includes the child when making decisions. Being a consultant takes practice on the part of the parent and can be a trial and error process. A parent can start with a child from an early age:

“I have been looking at all your toys. Some are dangerous when you walk on them and some are soft. These are the dangerous ones. It would mean less hurt on your feet if you packed these away first.”

Here you are stating what you know about the safety of the toys. You then point out which one is dangerous when walking around. You leave the decision to the child to move that toy first.  Of course, sometimes you need to give more instruction, but just starting with little examples is an excellent way to become a coach to your child. You are giving sound advice and inviting them to consider the options.

In working with children at school, it was quite common practice to put the options on the table, discuss the pros and cons and then leave the decision to the child. This gives them more ownership of their decisions and they begin to recognise that using the information gained is beneficial to their outcomes. Once a child develops a taste for being a significant part of making their decisions, they usually act very reliably to ensure they take further ownership of decisions. This is all about developing their self awareness and no surprises, self confidence.

 “I hear you want to walk home from school on your own. Let’s look at some factors that concern me and then we can discuss what’s possible”

Note here as consultant you are putting forward experienced reasons why this decision may not suit. Using this approach,  the child is more likely to value your opinions and be less intolerant of the negative reasons you may present.

 If you simply talk about all the negative reasons why the child cannot walk home, they are not included in the decision which to them may seem unjust and also too much use of power.

By putting forward your cases and debating all the reasons both positive and negative, the child feels included in the final decision.

Sometimes being a coach can involve simply putting forward your knowledge about a matter that is under discussion.  For example, if a child talks about smoking, it is a chance to simply state your views on smoking backed by some facts. Such coaching can happen incidentally. It does not challenge any thing particularly it merely outlines your knowledge and beliefs about a matter under discussion.

 Such subtle coaching is an excellent way to get your message across about a range of matters.

When working with children it was often a time for the child to set goals after deciding what they would want to work on. A helpful mechanism was to suggest that they set a goal with a timeline and a plan to check in afterwards. This came from coaching them in areas in which they wanted to improve.

“So it seems to me that you are planning to work on improving your writing. How about setting a time in which you would like to achieve that goal?”

Notice here that expectations are not placed on the child, rather the child sets the plan with your guidance. No pressure attached.

Coaching is about assisting a child to make decisions guided comfortably by your knowledge and experience. It is not intrusive. It allows the child to think for themselves but with responsible guidance.

Finding some one on one time with your child.

How difficult is it to find time for all the things you need to do? Of course it is difficult.

We live in a very busy world with time being the most precious commodity we can find.

This article is about establishing some quality ‘one on one time’ regularly with your child. This is not easy, especially if you have several children, but it is not impossible and just so necessary.

Consider the advantages:

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Your child will feel special. You can just talk about the uniqueness of the child and they can tell you their feelings which they alone own.

 It demonstrates to the child that their uniqueness is special and you value it and want to focus on it.

The child realises that this time together will give them an occasion to be with their parent alone. Therefore, they may store up important things to say to them during this time.

 Here are some suggestions to find that individual time with your child.

• Discuss with the family the importance of spending individual time with each child. They may have their own ideas on how this is possible.

• Put the information on the fridge so that you can refer to it regularly.

• Check on the school timetable. There may be some better times to remove them from school for a few hours.

• Attending sporting events is important but occasionally just take them yourself and spend time with them afterwards to talk about the game.

• Write little notes to your child. Put them in their lunch box:

“Catch you tonight. Let’s talk after dinner.”

• Are there any joint activities you can do together, such as a club, art classes etc.

• When going to the shops for a quick purchase could just one child go with you?

• Talk to them about the things you notice that are unique to that child. For example, their unique smile, sense of humor etc. It is about bringing out their individuality and that is what you love the most.

An important key to building relationships is to keep reminding the child that spending one on one time is important to you. It is amazing what you learn from just being together.

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Don’t be a probing parent.

We are all trying our best to be the parent who knows everything about their children.

After all, the more we know, the more we can be helpful.

Well maybe.

There is quite a fine line with regard to this issue.

We need, as a parent, to carefully manage our questioning and our probing into their lives. No surprises, that sometimes our children just shut down on us and when asking such questions as:

What is the best way engage with your child?

“How was school today?”

All you get in response is:

“Good.”

This is the great one liner “Good” that many parents are given when asking questions that we think are reasonable and fair. Parents often think that when they receive such an answer their children are either disengaged or hopeful that you will just go away!

As an adult are you always keen to answer questions at work and at home? Sometimes we are keen that such a question will just go away. It is also the case with our children. Sometimes they are just not ready to answer the question.

What we need to be careful about is how we ask questions. If  they are constant, repetitive and irritating, a child will shut down. Probing questions are evident when we keep at the issue, asking about it in several ways.

“Where did you go?”

“What did you do then?”

          “What did they say?”

“What did you do then?”

Such frequent probing just causes a child to shut down.

Where to now?

The best way to keep engaged with your child is firstly to respect the fact that sometimes they are just not ready to answer questions. This can be for many reasons including feeling inadequate or anxious about the consequences, tired or simply wanting some space from the issue. This latter point is often the case just after school.

 It is best to pose questions in an open-ended way with no set expectation of an answer. For example:

“I was wondering how you went today?”

“When ready, let me know how you went on that test”

“Sounds like your day was very busy. I wonder what made it so busy?”

Note here that there is an invitation to respond and not a probing question or demand. It implies, I am really interested in the matter but I am happy to hear about it when you are ready to respond.

In working with children, it was important to phrase questions or inquiries in similar, non probing or threatening terms.

“Today it sounds like you had some troubles. I wonder what went right and what went wrong?”

The more you invite responses with no direct or demanding expectation for an answer but rather you are pondering and wondering about the matter, the more likely you will receive a response.

Here are a few final tips on the matter.

• Take care to only ask one question at a time. Several questions given at once, causes shutdown.

• Be relaxed when posing the questions where no intimidation is apparent in your body language.

• If you are feeling anxious or tired consider the suitability of the timing in asking the questions.

• Consider how important the question is at the time. You will be more successful in getting responses when the timing is right and the child does not have too many preoccupations.

• It is also helpful to thank the child for giving you an answer.

“Thanks for keeping me informed. I now know why you were late.”

• Remember a child responds best to warmth and non threatening situations where they feel there is no judgement. Posing probing questions can put blame and anxiety on to the child.

• Keep your stance consistently positive as best as possible to preserve the relationship.

“The most effective people know how to ask great questions and to learn from listening.”

— www.jaywren.com

Giving real attention to your child.

“Of course”, I hear you say, “I give my child plenty of attention.”

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

Parents will naturally try to be available to their child as often as possible. However, giving real attention is more about how you present yourself when attending to a child. When working with children it was common to hear them say that no one listens to them. When discussing this with parents they would be surprised and naturally reflect on how much time they gave their child.

This article is not so much about giving more time but rather improving the quality of attending to a child. So much of our parenting is done on the run!

Here are some suggestions of listening to a child in a deeper and more effective way.

• ·When a child wants to talk to you about some matter decide if you have the time to stop and listen. If not then say,

“That’ s important to you. I want to talk to you about that later”

• When listening to the child sit comfortably and give positive, uninterrupted eye contact. This shows the child that you are really paying attention. Take care no to jump in to the conversation too quickly. This stops their flow of conversation and questions whether you are really listening to them. It also disrupts their flow of conversation.

• Often a child (especially a younger child) talks too much but waiting patiently will get you to the issue. Find a personal space in which to talk quietly so that you are not distracted.

• Do not do this process if you are not in the right frame of mind to listen. Delaying the conversation leads to better success later.

• Interject with “hmm, keep going, that’s interesting.” Such interjections encourages the child to keep talking as you are really listening and interested.

• If another child, intervenes in the conversation, it is important to remind them that you are only talking to one person and that is important to you.

• Find a space that is not too noisy. It is amazing how quiet spaces encourage listening.

• Watch your body language and voice control. Keep it consistent throughout the conversation. Negative body language can stop conversation and place value judgements on what is being said.

• Never understate the importance of the child’s conversation. Be consistent in your behaviour towards their conversations. If they believe you are a real listener then be a listener.

• Once the child has disclosed what they want to say and you are ready to talk about the matter, affirm them for their efforts and acknowledge how you really enjoy listening to what they have to say.

“Thanks for keeping me well informed. You really told me what is on your mind.”

These suggestions work well when you have the time. Keep in mind that effective listening is much more valuable than spending more time listening ineffectively and often “on the run”. The child demands less from you when they feel that real listening occurs.

How to be helpful when a child is really upset.

Think about yourself for a minute. When you are truly upset, how much real listening occurs? Very little is the simple answer. No one listens to advice when feeling under pressure.

The same applies to children. When anxieties reach high levels, it is best to allow time for the child to calm down and to allow the high emotions to work through their system. Of course, younger children will go from zero to ten fairly quickly with upset feelings. Once emotions cloud listening, there is no chance to talk through issues or to be the solver of problems.

The following is the best way to help a child when displaying very upset behaviour.

How do you help your child when they’re upset?

• Ensure they are safe.

• Provide a quite climate if possible.

• Try not to interrupt the upset child with reassurance, until their upset condition has reduced significantly.

• Be present and in the case of a younger child, sometimes just holding them closely is comforting.

• Try not to interpret the behaviour too quickly. Just be present and calm when the emotions are high.

• If possible, try to eliminate other distractions such as other siblings talking or interfering, television, noise, etc. Sometimes dimming lights, creating a subtle environment is helpful and quite soothing for the child.

When the child seems calmer it may be possible to talk about what was so upsetting. Sometimes it is best to leave it till later.

 Simple reassurance is helpful at that point:

“Something has really upset you. When you are ready, I am happy to talk to you about it”.

This is not a time for probing and questioning the child about the upset condition. There is sometimes residual anxiety that comes after a big upset and children need time to recover and process their feelings. There is no need as a parent to solve the problem and to make the child happy again. A child’s equilibrium will come after they feel better in themselves and move on to other issues.

Being upset and reacting to issues is a normal part of growing up. Children need to feel that expressing feelings is acceptable. As adults we tend to tailor our responses to anxiety quite differently, as we are conscious of other people, social pressures etc. I suppose we call this working towards emotional maturity.

It is quite acceptable and natural as a parent to be upset from time to time and for your child to see your reaction to being upset. This is modelling to your child that it is natural to be affected by issues and that as a parent you need time to process the issue. What a child observes, is how you handle the upsets and how you manage yourself. It is best to talk to your child about what upset you and how you managed that upset condition. Hiding vulnerable emotions from your child only makes them anxious.

Making sense of a messy world for a child

How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc?  No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.

We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.

We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.

To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.

With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.

For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.

Lead them into the conversations gently:

“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”

Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.

Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.

Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!

When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.

In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.

Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.

The importance of peers and friends

Never underestimate your importance as the parent in the life of your child. However, you do need to move over a little and allow space for your child's peers and friends. They are key to strengthening and reassuring your child in the important area of building self esteem and self worth.

Imagine a world where your only influences were your parents! A scarey thought!

What is central to a child's world is your acceptance and understanding of their friends and the outside influences they present to your family. Sometimes this can be quite challenging for parents particularly if your child chooses friends with a totally different perspective and perhaps different parenting experiences.

How you choose to respond will have an impact on your child. They will either be open and engaging with you, as you show acceptance of their choices, or they go underground and don't inform you as much about their movements. This often happens when the child does have independence around the age of later primary years.

How you choose to respond to your child’s friendships will have an impact them.

Your child will be anxious that you accept their choices of friends and look for your response and support. The following are suggestions to ensure that you still remain in charge but demonstrate how willing you are to respect their journey in finding friendships and understanding about friendships:

• Always listen to your child when they talk about their friends. Show interest by asking non invasive questions about how they enjoy their friendship.

“You seem to like playing with Tom. He is someone you spend quite some time with often.”

• When your child talks about let downs in friendship, ensure that you show empathy, but not offer strong opinions about the lost friend. Friendships come and go and children remember if you talk about others positively or negatively. This can make them very confused. So why talk to you about a friend that you have strong opinions about?

• Discuss your family friends and what makes you enjoy each other's company.

• Be open to inviting their friends to the house and although care and precaution is taken when your child is at another home, be positive for them and look forward to talking about the experience later.

• Be open to challenges in this area. If your child wants to do something with friends a little more adventurous, rather than dismissing the idea, talk it through. Can some compromise be reached where they feel that they have some choice in the matter?

• The key is to keep them open in conversation and engaged with you when talking about their friends. This will also include their losses and gains along the way. If they seek you out for counsel as to why the relationship didn't work, take care not to lay blame on the other child.

“Sometimes, a friend can grow and change in a different way to yourself.”

• Keep in mind that they see how you still value the other child when they are not your child's friend anymore.

• Be inclusive when you talk about friends.

• Talk positively about friendship even though at times people move on.

As the child grows and comes to understand friendship from more mature eyes, they will remember and value keeping you informed about their journey if they find that you are an effective listener, not quick to react and open to discussing problematic issues with an open mind.

In the school setting, children learn many lessons about friendships broken and made.

When working with children who felt their parents were very controlling about their world, they would sometimes talk about how their life at school with friends was so important to them.

When school friendships are discussed and carry on into family life, the child feels better connected. The key is simply to keep the doors open when it comes to their growth with friends.

The whole family will grow and often in surprising ways if you are inclusive, inviting and respectful of your child's choices of friends.

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.

Teaching children to celebrate the positive actions of others

Our children will develop physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally overtime. Teachers are very conscious to ensure that they model and teach children the value of affirming others when they succeed. For some children this is not a difficult awareness to develop but for other children it can take quite some time as they put their own interests ahead of others. Sport is a typical example of how some children feel frustrated if they do not win and struggle to enjoy success for other children.

Whilst to some degree, children will learn in various ways the value of affirming others, there is still the importance of teaching them the value of being generally happy for other children when they succeed, sometimes over themselves.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

By teaching them to be happy for the other child, you are giving them wonderful tools to notice, appreciate and genuinely value others which is such a mature way to appreciate people.

In schools there are various programs designed to not only focus on building resilience when things go wrong but also to recognise in themselves how mature they are to value the success of others.

Of course, in saying this, I appreciate that we are dealing after all with children and their emotions are slowing evolving but the home environment can be a profound learning space for respecting and valuing others. Parent's modelling can make such a difference.

Here are some examples upon which to reflect:

•        When together as a family, discuss the success of some people you admire. Talk about the difference they make through their skills or gifts.

•        Read stories of people you admire to the children.

•        Actively acknowledge other children at sport venues etc. that do well.

When a child praises the success of another, tell them how proud you are that they can recognise the successes of another child.

                         “ How clever you are to notice John's running skills. Tell me more.”

Invite the family to write a genuine comment on each other. This is a positive statement about a strength you notice in that person. Talk about these comments when all together.

When working with children, especially those who felt poorly about their efforts, it was common practice to list all those children who spoke highly of them. You give them open sentence starters to talk positively about other children. Often you would start sentences with:

                         “I like Mary because..”

                        “John is friendly and..”

                        “Joshua has wonderful....”

Teachers would often use this tactic in a classroom, inviting all children to write one very happy comment about each other. It was amazing how it awakened an appreciation of others and lowered anxiety in the room. It also gave the child the strong message that finding the richness in each other was highly valued.

What these exercises are doing is skilling the child to notice the positive and to highlight it publicly.

It also touches on learning about your own limits.

Think about those people whom we like to gravitate around. No surprises that it is the people who see the value and admire the positive in people.

“People will forget what you said.
People will forget what you did.
But people will never forget how you made them feel.......”

— Maya Angelou

Parenting differently

Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.

This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.

Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.

Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.

It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.

No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.

Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.

Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.

Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.

• Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\

• Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.

• Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.

• Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.

Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:

“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”

Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.

If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.

“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.

When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.

“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”

As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.

“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”

In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.

The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.

Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.

Setting the limits.

This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?

Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.

If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.

Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.  

Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.

Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.

·       Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.

·       Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.

“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”

“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”

Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.

• Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.

• Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.

• Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent.  In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.

Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.

Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.

No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.

It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.

“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”

— Charlotte Sophia Kasi

A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY

Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:

One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.

“What made you happy today?”

Also another way to express the day is to ask:

“What made you feel good about yourself today?”

A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.

The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.

Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,

“What made you feel good today?”

This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.

The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.

When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.