Just be yourself

Have you ever noticed how we alter our behaviour, body language etc. when we are talking to our children?

Are we ever consistent in the way we communicate with them?

It is easy to understand that mood, temperament, personality etc. can influence how we talk to our children. This article is about being consistent when you talk to a child in the following ways:

Your child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face.

• Keep the same tone of voice with the child. This applies to any situation whether upset, or simply instructing a child. The same tone of voice ensures the child will listen with more intent.

• When we talk, introduce what you have to say as clearly as possible. The more complicated we talk to our children, the quicker they disconnect from what we have to say.

“I want to talk to you about the toys in your bedroom. We need to think about where we put them.”

• Keep your language simple. This is especially the case with younger children and when we have something important to say to our child.

• Using the same tone of voice, do not imitate other people when talking. A child knows you very well and they expect and trust the legitimate you.

• Consider the volume of your voice and be consistent with using the same volume. Try keeping a gentle tone in the voice. Children are quick to pick up a change of attitude through the volume and tone of voice. It is a strong cue to your mood and temperament.

• Try keeping a positive tone to your conversations. Being optimistic tells the child that we look on the bright side of life. It teaches them that optimism is an enlivening way to communicate.

When you are simply being consistent in how you talk, consistent in how you behave and react to situations, the child feels that they can trust the legitimacy of your words. They are more inclined to listen with interest and will not disengage when they sense a change of tone etc.

 I always remember a child saying to me on one occasion:

“Why are you speaking differently to me, Mrs Smith?”

When I reflected on this it was because I was in a hurry, a little annoyed and anxious to move on with another matter.  I wasn’t expecting to be dealing with the issue concerning this child. How pointless was the conversation with the child and how damaging to their image of how I communicated with them? Could they rely on how I spoke to them next time?

Whilst I appreciate being consistent is not always easy, consider the following tips to help:

• Don’t say anything if you are not able to operate well with the child. No damage is done from being silent.

• Tell the child that today I feel unwell or unable to have a chat so we will follow it through when things are normal. Be of course honest in why you are postponing the conversation.

• Try smiling more and give good eye contact to your child. Don’t forget humour is helpful in being relaxed and being yourself.

• Sit comfortably and be in a relaxed state when chatting about matters.

• Busy, noisy places tend to cause us to react and we become busy, noisy, people ourselves.

This article is simply reminding us that the child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face. They feel safer and more secure when they are talking to their parent whom they know and love and most importantly is consistent, predictable and trustworthy.

“Being authentic will radiate more pure energy than trying to be an ideal person.”

— Christian Lonsdale

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

The importance of keeping attachment strong.

Attachment of the parent and child starts well before birth. The desire to attach, be comforted and feel secure, is such a precious and necessary part of our development. Young parents work hard to ensure that bonding happens early with the infant. As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.  

When the child starts school there is certainly giant leaps in the desire to develop independence, but be aware that they still want their attachment with their parents, strong and consistent. As they reach out for independence, consider the following important facts which contribute to healthy bonding.

As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.

• From time to time, simply repeat how much you love them. Perhaps you merely love all the precious things they do. The message is simply that you are bonded to them through unconditional love.

• When they reach for more independence, just reassure them that you are always available.

“It sounds like you really want to walk home independently. Just remember I am around if you need me.”

If this is the case, talk to your child about how you always felt that your parents were there. Discuss how this made you feel.

• Talk to your child about what makes them feel happy. Do they trust that you are always present for them even in difficult times? This is worthy of discussion.

• As a family are you openly affectionate? Being affectionate with cuddles and sitting together closely is an important part of feeling bonded. This can happen with children of all ages. There is not a time of growing out of this habit. Although as a teenager they may give you some grief about being affectionate around peers. This is natural!

• Write occasional notes to them about how much you love them. Put these notes in their lunchbox or bedroom. These are just little surprises. They are reassuring reminders.

• Talk positively about your child in front of others. Let them hear what you publicly feel about them.

• If you were fortunate enough to have loving parents yourself, talk about how you felt attached to your parents. What special gifts did they have which brought you together?

• Spend time with your child at bedtime. Talk about the special things that make you feel close to your child. Be quite specific.

• Do practical, happy activities together such as singing, dancing, camping and doing interdependent activities such as cooking, cycling etc. All these ongoing activities remind the child that they are happily attached to their parents and sharing common grounds when it comes to enjoying life.

Throughout their growing years keeping attachment steady is all about reassuring the child that whatever the growth curves, you still love the child unconditionally.

When I became a Principal, I was disappointed that I had lost a strong contact with children as I was not actively involved in their teaching. From time to time, I would produce and direct school plays and I felt the closeness once again with students as we were bonded closely throughout the play, having a common purpose.

To keep your family attachment strong, you need to work on building the family story together and sharing in substantial parts of your lives across different periods.   

“The propensity to makes strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature. ”

— John Bowlby, www.allaboutpsychology.com

The art of letting go to gain more with your children

Have you ever noticed how your life just gets busier and busier?

In fact, the more complications, the more as a society, we think we are functioning effectively. How often I would hear school parents  say that their children were growing up far too quickly and that they were missing out on so much of their childhood. Yet they did not know how to change that situation.

There is much truth in this statement especially given that time moves so fast when we are busy people.

This article challenges us to find that time, by uncluttering life, so that space is created for your child.  It is not about creating more space, but rather, taking back some time from your already busy life.

This is a massive challenge for families. However, it is possible to declutter life a little to make more room for your children. It was not uncommon to hear children at school talk excitedly about plans that their families had made to simply be together. The presence of being together is in most cases all that children want from parents. Being present is the key to feeling connected.

Consider some of the following suggestions to reclaim time for the family.

• As a family, plan together those special times. This is quite common in some families to simply gather and plan how each week/fortnight /term etc. has adequate quality time for all the family. It is a matter at looking at what has to go. It is amazing how creative children can be when included in this discussion.  The mere fact that it is factored into your life suggests to the child how important it is to the parent.

• Draw up a list of all that you have scheduled for the week. Can you eliminate some of the activities to just be home with the children? Writing it down works for some families as they see and think about how relevant are some of the activities. Involving the children in this process is valuable.

• Schools provide busy schedules inviting families into the classroom throughout the year. These are great opportunities to spend quality time with your child. Schools understand the importance of building strong families.

• Be creative with your time together. When driving your child somewhere or shopping together, have you got time to stop off for a milkshake or a play in the park.

• Consider the layout of your house. Is it set up so that the children are visible? This enables more conversation, more connection and happy times together.

• Are there activities that you can share together? For example, if you like certain music, invite your child to listen with you.

• Bedtime is an excellent time to just chill with your child and talk about everything and nothing!

• Consider picking up your child early from school occasionally to simply have time together. This can be built in across the year.

• Lots of just sitting together and cuddling is quality time, uncomplicated by having to be or do.

          Try avoid saying to the child,

“I haven’t got time now.”

          Instead say:

“That’s important. I’ll find time with you to do that”.

With such a promise make certain it is always followed through.

• Keep a journal of those special moments together. Writing it down often stimulates the desire for creating more time together. Show the diary to your child.

• Take care with formalised sports. As parents we become very involved with them and this consumes time. However, think about kicking a ball around or shooting goals with them, yourselves.

• Set up a schedule on the fridge which highlights time together. This is a clear message to children of their relevance in your life across the week.

• Letting go of jobs, tasks, etc. is accepting that limits must be set on practical tasks so that you can spend more precious time with your child. How often do we miss the laughter and joy of those special moments as they grow from infancy to adolescents? The fatigue or tiredness we often feel is due to the far too many jobs we put on the list of “must do.” Such fatigue dulls our ability to enjoy our children.

As time goes, the relevance of those busy tasks fades into oblivion but not the journey and the long-term memory of watching your child grow.

You are modelling to your child, that setting limits on tasks and replacing them with building strong relationships with your child is critical to you as a parent.

“In family relationships, love is really spelled t-i-m-e”

— Dieter F Uchtdorf

Finding some one on one time with your child.

How difficult is it to find time for all the things you need to do? Of course it is difficult.

We live in a very busy world with time being the most precious commodity we can find.

This article is about establishing some quality ‘one on one time’ regularly with your child. This is not easy, especially if you have several children, but it is not impossible and just so necessary.

Consider the advantages:

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Your child will feel special. You can just talk about the uniqueness of the child and they can tell you their feelings which they alone own.

 It demonstrates to the child that their uniqueness is special and you value it and want to focus on it.

The child realises that this time together will give them an occasion to be with their parent alone. Therefore, they may store up important things to say to them during this time.

 Here are some suggestions to find that individual time with your child.

• Discuss with the family the importance of spending individual time with each child. They may have their own ideas on how this is possible.

• Put the information on the fridge so that you can refer to it regularly.

• Check on the school timetable. There may be some better times to remove them from school for a few hours.

• Attending sporting events is important but occasionally just take them yourself and spend time with them afterwards to talk about the game.

• Write little notes to your child. Put them in their lunch box:

“Catch you tonight. Let’s talk after dinner.”

• Are there any joint activities you can do together, such as a club, art classes etc.

• When going to the shops for a quick purchase could just one child go with you?

• Talk to them about the things you notice that are unique to that child. For example, their unique smile, sense of humor etc. It is about bringing out their individuality and that is what you love the most.

An important key to building relationships is to keep reminding the child that spending one on one time is important to you. It is amazing what you learn from just being together.

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Making sense of a messy world for a child

How does a child make sense of so many mixed messages that come across the social media, television, newspapers,etc?  No matter what age, a child from five to say a teenager, will hear and see various disturbing and confusing messages and images that can cause them to feel unsafe, uncertain and unsettled in their world.

We cannot absolutely shield them from everything. In fact, one would question the point of doing so. However, a child needs guidance and reassurance with so many disturbing images and anxious media messages that are ever present in our world today.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events.

We all recognise that anxiety is very much part of our modern society and younger children are experiencing serious anxiety at quite an early age.

To a child, the centre of their world is their parents. They listen and carefully interpret the messages that you give them. After all you hold the truth in their minds. In the messages that you give them, they are always checking in to ensure that it is reassuring and that they feel safe.

With this in mind, take care to interpret the world to them in a reassuring way even though there could be messages you tell them that are not pleasant or easy to hear.

For example, the recent event of mass violence brought on by racial hatred, needs to be talked through in a simple and reassuring way. How you speak to them dictates what they take away.

Lead them into the conversations gently:

“I want to talk to you about something that happened which makes me very sad.”

Keep in mind that your values and opinions will come through and this is a time to reflect on what messages you want to give your child about such matters as racism, violence etc. They listen with intent and will want to adopt your beliefs for reassurance and comfort.

Above all, let them see your compassion and genuine feelings. This registers with them as a message to follow suit.

Throughout their childhood, they will hear and see many images that make them unsettled. What you really want your child to do is to feel comfortable in coming to you for advice and understanding of the situation. This will happen if they see how capable and reassuring you are in your discussions with them.

Children are quick to pick up bias, anger and intolerance. This can sometimes shut them down from talking about important worldly events. After all they already know your opinion!

When working with children who had deep concerns, the one reason they chose not to talk to their parents was often due to the reactive way in which a parent would respond about a matter. The child would feel anxious about bringing up a topic that upset them and caused some reaction. They would feel guilty about causing that reaction and besides they already knew their opinion! Silence and seeking out other’s opinions is often the case.

In making sense of our messy unsettled world, listen to the child’s thoughts and reflections. Answer wisely, with clarity, unemotively and with compassion. Respect their right to have an opinion and affirm their interest in seeking clarification of important global events.

Our children will listen and be keen to make sense of difficult situations and of course seek reassurance from their primary source, the parents.

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Parenting differently

Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.

This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.

Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.

Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.

It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.

No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.

Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.

Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.

Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.

• Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\

• Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.

• Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.

• Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.

Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:

“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”

Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.

If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.

“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.

When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.

“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”

As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.

“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”

In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.

The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.

Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.

Setting the limits.

This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?

Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.

If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.

Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.  

Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.

Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.

·       Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.

·       Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.

“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”

“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”

Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.

• Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.

• Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.

• Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent.  In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.

Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.

Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.

No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.

It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.

“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”

— Charlotte Sophia Kasi

A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY

Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:

One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.

“What made you happy today?”

Also another way to express the day is to ask:

“What made you feel good about yourself today?”

A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.

The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.

Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,

“What made you feel good today?”

This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.

The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.

When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.

Take care with the language we use around our children

Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.

Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.

Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.

 When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.

For example:

“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”

Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.

If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.

Always add a positive element or spin where possible.

 Affirm in your talk.

 For example:

“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”

Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.

There is no need to have an answer for everything.

“That is interesting. I will think about that”.

In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:

“Why are you talking differently today?”

Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.

It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.

Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.

Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.

Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.

Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.

A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well.  The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.

Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.

Are you sure your child knows what you are saying?

Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.

Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.

When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.

In working with children, it was very apparent that  I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.

             “I would like to talk to you about......”

 It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.

            “When the incident happened you got very angry”

            “When you were angry you     ......”  

When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.

When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.

The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:

•  Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.

• Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.

• Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.

• Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.

• Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.

• Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.

• Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.

A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.

This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.

Often you hear parents say:

             “ my child never listens to me”.

 I often heard from a child:

             “I don't know what mum wants from me.”

Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.

“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”

— George Orwell 1984

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984

Siblings can get in the way of each other

Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?

This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.

I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.

However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

 The following ways may be helpful:

•  Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.

• Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.

• If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.

• Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.

• Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.

Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as  a mentor and mediator.

Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.

One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

Getting the most out of time together

As parents we work hard to give our children fulfilling experiences. However, I challenge you to go outside the norm and give everyone in the family an exceptional and challenging experience. This is the stuff that makes for future stories and great memories when you take yourself out of the ordinary and into the unknown. For example, how about an adventurous and challenging hike?

If you are a family that has a focus on one sport activity, put it aside for a while and do something quite different.

I always remember the reaction when I put to the school parents that we would take our seniors to Canberra for the first time. The anticipation, the anxiety of some parents was high, but what an adventure we all had. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of other school camps over the years. However, this took us well out of our comfort zones. I know that the children still have fond memories including staff and that was several years ago.

Consider the adventure and challenge in your plan. There is often a much greater need to depend on each other in more demanding circumstances and this leads to stronger bonds between family members.

Why not simply talk about it as a family and together plan something that will literally present some challenges, create new experiences and bring you all into new territory together.

As a family when our children were teenagers, we charted a yacht and sailed around Tahiti. This was a little scary but it still is a source of much conversation and enjoyment when reliving the occasion.

In order to strengthen bonds in family, it is worthwhile considering some new experience that requires developing new skills. Plan it together. The more the children are involved in the organising, the better for all. It can even raise anxiety a little but ultimately it is a shared experience unique to you as a family.

“FAMILY…

We may not have it all together

But together we have it all.”

— Unknown

Create new experiences that bring your family into new territory together.

What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

The Art of being Happy - It's contagious and life giving for the family.

I have recently read an excellent book, Positive Psychology Coaching: Putting the Science of Happiness to Work for Your Clients, Robert Biswas- Diener, Ben Dean 2007, John Wiley & Sons. Whilst it is directed to coaching, the book talks about the value in life of being happy and how this leads to the development of well rounded individuals, who can form healthy relationships with people and who demonstrate emotional and social maturity. It is all about thinking healthily.

I then thought about family well being and the ability of families to be generally happy. There is much to be grateful for in our family life. Seeing the glass half full is also another way of looking at it.

A happy, healthy family does value laughter and general happiness. There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness. Consider the simple ones that sometimes we take for granted.

• I actually have a family.

• There is love in the family.

• My daughter smiles at me and say she loves me.

• My son is so funny when he talks.

• We all get together on Saturday night and watch a movie.

• My three year old just gave me a flower from the garden.

These are simple examples of how we should be happy for all the joys, simple and complex we have as a family.

It is certainly easy to feel the negative, weighing us down. Many of the troublesome issues of family will pass and what will remain is the memories of how we enjoyed the moment. Sadly, when a family goes through extreme trauma they sometimes come to realise the preciousness of what they have had in their life and this gives them greater sensitivity to the joys of life.

I have very positive memories of working with anxious children by including at some point, when possible, a sense of happiness into the conversation. It is amazing how the tone changes when the focus is on happy thoughts.

It eases tension and releases pleasant feelings into our body.

It also is an excellent enabler to talk more comfortably.

We are also teaching our children that we value being happy as a human condition that enables us to live well both mentally and physically. Happiness is contagious, people gravitate around the warmth of positive, happy people. Children will soon see that in your family happiness is a requirement.

Your disposition in seeing the happy moment and finding laughter as a cure for solving problems, will resonate for life with your child.

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness.

Take care to always tell the truth. It does set our children free.

As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!

In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.

This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.

The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.

In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.

Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.

•  Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully

             “I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”

Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.

Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.

They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.

After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.

Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.

•  Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:

 “You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.

This is more realistic then saying:

 “you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”

The first statement is real and genuine.

Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.

Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”

— Mark Twain

If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.

Take care with incidental language

One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

           “John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

            “Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

            “John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

            “You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

            “You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

             “Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

 Try saying:

             “Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

 The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

                                              It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell

It’s all in the words

What about regret?

Can we think about our childhood for a moment and some of the regrets we may carry with us? Perhaps those regrets may include occasions we missed with our parents. Of course parenting in each generation is different and we need to remember that what was relevant for one generation may not be the same for the next generation. Still, we probably remember and have some grief about lost opportunities

This article is just reminding us that the time we have with our children is precious, short and remarkable. Their growth and frequent changes physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally surprise us all. Without sounding too grim, we can easily miss precious moments often those spontaneous moments that give parents so much joy. That special moment when they start to talk or develop cute expressions or play sport for the first time in a team. How about when they show you their first tooth coming loose and the excitement when they have a birthday. Our whole journey with them consists of moments in time and despite how busy we are we should try and have a strong presence in their life so that as a parent you gain the pleasure and satisfaction of parenting which you deserve.

As a school Principal, talking to a parents, it was not uncommon to hear parents expressing regret around missed opportunities with their children. Whilst I hear you say, I can't be there for everything, I would say that the child values the effort made. If they see how you value being strongly present in their life, they are very content. A child recognises and values your spirit of determination and desire to share their journey. That is what remains with them over time.

After all this is part of your journey as well as the child. Your life changed the minute your child was born and your presence in their life is so intrinsically bound together.  You will never be the same after the birth of your child. I am not talking here about your commitment and responsibility to your child, most parents understand and take that seriously. I am referring to your natural desire to continue sharing their life in many different ways. They will naturally fuel your emotional stability, demonstrate such powerful things such as unconditional love and give you many opportunities to simply stop and smell the roses. We learn in so many varied ways from our children's journey. This is how we grow emotionally as well.

Talk to anyone who has teenagers and they will easily tell you how their child's early childhood went too quickly. They question if they missed important milestones and they sense some grief with the loss of those early delightful years when they were so dependent on you.

No regrets if you as the parent, plan to have a strong presence in their life, capturing in your mind and heart those special snapshot moments. Whilst our jobs and external roles are important, they will pass and be forgotten in the schema of time. Not so when it comes to those deep, happy and unique memories of sharing your child's special moments in their journey. No regrets PLEASE.

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”

— Anonymous

Do you regret time missed with your children?

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.