Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

The power of simply walking away

This is a great strategy to use in difficult times. We are all living in confined spaces for some time. This is the new norm. We are all trying to reinvent a situation in the home that works for all involved from the youngest to the oldest. Whoever thought that such a confined and prolonged situation would happen?

Well it certainly has and whilst we have to recreate, we also need to recognise our trigger points and all the various aspects of the day that can set us off. It is natural to be reactive in confined spaces.

This article is simply to remind us of an excellent strategy, one that is used by many people when they feel overwhelmed. This strategy works on various levels. It all about the art of simply walking away when it gets too much. This strategy works because it creates some emotional space between the incident and the feelings of heightened anger or frustration which invariably lead to an explosion.

Does this look like you at times?

Once you leave the immediacy of the situation and simply distance yourself from what has upset you, you will automatically slow down this heightened feeling. Other forms of this strategy are to avoid walking into situations when you know you will react. This is taking quite a proactive stand.

Creating the distance has a remarkable calming effect on the intensity of the problem. If the problem was a ten out of ten, now it may be an eight out of ten.

If you anticipate reacting badly to some potential situation at home, can you remove yourself for a short period to slow down your response? It really works.

In working with children, it was accepted that you never responded straight away, you allowed a moment or two to elapse which led to better outcomes in dealing with the problem. It helped to process the problem better and to prepare a more suitable response. Teachers are quite skilled in doing this as there are many times in a busy day in a crowded classroom that they can be quickly overwhelmed by a problem.

Removing yourself is effective for the following reasons.

• You are not overreacting and saying and doing things that you later regret. Keeping everything in proportion is so important.

• Creating space helps you have time to process the problem and put it into perspective. It is amazing how your brain works to recover from the heightened anger quickly when you allow that mental space.

• It allows the child to think about what has just happened and this gives them time to respond with less anxiety.

• You are generally sounding calmer and direct your comments to the child in a more acceptable way. The child is more likely to listen if the parent is in control.

• The more you train yourself to step away when feeling very upset, the more you will appreciate that the outcomes are better for all concerned.

• You are also demonstrating to your child that you need time to understand what has just occurred. You are not over judging.

Keep in mind that at all times in communication with your children you need to manage how you communicate by being in control.  When situations look precarious find ways to step away from the situation at least for a little while until you feel more in control. Whilst living around each other in confined spaces train yourself to recognise the trigger signs that set you off. Being in control will also be noticed by your children which is a calming agent for them.

This article is a simple one. It just gives us an excellent method of managing tempers that can quickly escalate.

Practice walking away in your mind and perhaps physically walking away from the situation for a moment. Be silent in voice and body. You have nothing to lose but much to gain in showing effective self-discipline in highly charged situations.

“The best answer to anger is silence.”

— Marcus Aurelius

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less that ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated overtime. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being cooped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouragement letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in change of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

                   “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,  “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh home grown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tai dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself. Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather that texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

How do we cope with the “Me” generation child?

This is tricky. After all your child is part of their own generation feeding each other the same information and operating out of the same culture. When you associate with your own generation, it seems comfortable and right. We all experience this sensation. We all look back on our youth and reflect on how we interpreted the world. So too, the “Me” generation feel the same.

Everything is about them. They are the focus. Attention should be drawn to them for they are the key figures to be thought about. They are the key players in their life. Their needs come first. Hence the word “Me”.

After reflecting on this you must as a parent be feeling a little helpless and immediately want to rush to setting the rules and putting them duly in their place. I get it! Who doesn’t want their child to be everything they want them to be? Polite, generous spirited, intelligent etc. Not self centred and focussed on themselves. Afterall, we grew up with these concepts. Didn’t we?

This article has a twofold purpose. Firstly, it is to remind us that each generation make their mark and find their space and place in society. There is nothing wrong with that concept. We need to respect their right to be themselves, placed in society.

The second purpose is to remind you, the parent that you still have the responsibility to guide and direct your “Me” generation child. They need to operate in society with sound values and respect for others.

Putting others first before themselves can be the tricky point as one feature of the “Me” generation is to see themselves as number one before all others. As a parent you have your work cut out for you. Firstly, to understand and give them space to have their rightful place in society but also to be living in a society with others, justly and fairly.

Do you feel you’re raising the next ‘me’ generation?

Here are some thoughts to help you walk with your child comfortably through the process.

• Whilst your child will have their own friends, make sure they are exposed to people of different generations and races. Talk about their stories and the differences seen across the generations.

• In the home, ensure you have a set of family values that you cherish and live by. As a family talk about them regularly. This could include the value of listening to others, giving everyone a fair go, being empathetic to each other, waiting your turn and so the list goes. What matters to you as an effective family is the key point. When the values break down talk about them.

• Discuss how being part of groups and sharing is so important. This can happen through sports etc. Schools teach and encourage team activities that involve the art of cooperating and working as a team. Ask your child what they are learning at school about cooperation.

• Take note of what they are watching on television and social media. Ensure that there is as much balance as possible in their viewing. It certainly needs to be well monitored by you, the parent. The more you can encourage them to view screening time in your presence, the better.

• When watching programs together point out the values you have noticed through story. Of course, this is done well when reading books to your child.

• Keep an eye on the priorities within the family. Are you finding enough quality time together? Check in on this regularly. It can easily be watered down.

• Do you as a family talk together, share meals together, play and laugh together? All of these should be given a priority in a busy family. This may mean reducing other activities or changing patterns.  This is best done in discussion with your child. Families that work together, stay together and engage on a much higher level as a family. The desire to be family grows stronger with a child when they feel happy.

These ideas are all about stabilising your child’s life which will be caught up with so many options and values.

I understand a child must learn about their own society which involves interacting with each other and being a legitimate member of their “Me” group.

The more exposure to strong stable influences in their life, particularly their family, the greater propensity they will have for making informed choices based on considering others and not just themselves. Being a member of the “Me” generation can still include the need to think of “Others.”

“Life affords no greater respect, no greater privilege than the raising of the next generation. ”

— C Everett Koop

Negative thoughts can get us down and drown us with worry

Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:

You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

I am a poor parent.

          I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.

          I really try but they don’t listen.

Why are they so nasty?

I don’t like their personality.

So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.

I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability.  You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.

My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.

• Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.

• He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.

• Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.

• Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.

• Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.

• Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.

• When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?

• Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.

• When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.

• Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

• When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.

• Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.

There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.

“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”

— R.L Knost

Be someone that postpones and not reacts.

Do you find yourself reacting quickly to unsettling situations? Perhaps you are quick of temper, but settle your upset emotions quickly. Perhaps you are a person that is aroused with anger very quickly and take a long time to settle. There are many ways we respond to situations that upset us. It is also true that sometimes particular situations drive us to anger more quickly as it touches a nerve. Do you know those targets in yourself? Are you a parent that sees a situation and feels that dealing with it immediately is the best response?

This article suggests that we should look at our reaction time to situations and work to slow down our anger when a situation presents itself with our children. This in no way takes away the intensity of the problem nor your unsettled feelings. What it does do is give you time to reflect on what has happened and make a response that is suitable for the occasion.

The Primary Years helping you to postpone your anger.

Slowing down your reactive response also gives the child a chance to process what has happened and reflect on their own situation with regard to the behaviour etc. Also, by reacting quickly, your child becomes quite anxious and your heightened anger can be disproportionate for the situation. Of course, you may come back from that situation apologising. However, this article is all about the advantages in slowing down reaction time, in fact postponing your reaction.

The advantages in this are plentiful.

Firstly, you slow down the feeling of anger. Just a short gap between the incident and response can be significant in responding badly.

By postponing your reaction, you actually begin to process the problem with more clarity and are less likely to say inappropriate reactive statements that later need apologies.

You also demonstrate to your child that overreaction serves little purpose and with some delay you can calmly ask questions and get clarity about what has happened.

In working with children, I was very conscious to slow down my response to behavioural situations. It showed the child that a problem can be dealt with calmly and can be seen from both sides. Healthier conversations occur when you postpone the angry feelings.

There is nothing wrong in stating your feelings effectively.

“When you broke that vase, I was angry as it belonged to my mother.”

Letting the child know that you had angry feelings is acceptable, but if you put it in the context of what upset you, the child accepts that you had a right to feel angry.

When you postpone hostile feelings, you will notice that your language is less harmful and you actually hear yourself talking more responsibly about the situation. It gives you more chance to solve the problem and have less damage between yourself and your child.

Consider the following strategies to help you postpone those reactionary feelings.

• Take a deep breath. Say nothing for a moment or two.

• Walk away for a minute.

• Simply say, “Let’s talk about this later.”

• Perhaps use a delay statement:

    “Hmm. I’m upset and can’t talk about it now.”

• Count to ten and focus on counting and not on the incident.

By postponing highly negative feelings even for a short time you put yourself in an emotionally safe zone with your child. You also teach them about the value of self-control and maintaining a mature stance when upset.

Everyone is entitled to be upset. That is a natural reaction to a problem that is distressing. The art is to know how to respond to anger around your child particularly.

Also, by dealing with the matter later when you are less reactive you can get clarity over the matter and develop some sympathy with regard to what happened when you hear the child’s side of the story.

Finally, children avoid reactive people and seek solace from listeners. Be that parent that can express their disappointment but contain themselves effectively when feeling the disappointment.

“Courage is knowing what not to fear.”

— Plato

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost

Keeping you the parent well and healthy makes for a happier child

Most important! Your health as a parent under all the stress that is current is an important factor in keeping the home fires burning well. The old saying, “if mamma ain’t right, the whole family ain’t right” has some truth in it.

Walking through depleted shops, listening to the current news is enough to fester feelings of being very sad and in some cases sets off depression.

Rising above this and maintaining all that you do in the life of the family is a big ask for anyone.

Of course, here we are advising you how to look after your family during such a crisis and forgetting to mention that your mental and physical health takes a high priority. The question you ask is how can I maintain my own sanity and feel capable in managing the family during these demanding times?

The answer is not simple but it does draw on your own ability to be a little selfish and put yourself first.

Can you do any of the following?

A healthier and happier parent makes for a happier child.

• Take an occasional walk. Some people just use a shopping centre as a place to leisurely walk. Walking can be so invigorating. Of course, the greener the environment, the more uplifting is the spirit.

• Can you listen to music while working?

• Do you have an activity that you really love and feel better after completing? Is it possible to find space for this in your busy life?

• Can you read at night? Is this a relaxing time for you?

• How about a treat? Some mums just love a facial, bath, spa etc something which soothes the soul.

• How about stopping and having coffee and cake just on your own.

• Do you enjoy reading the newspaper, magazines etc?

• Exercising at home to video clips, music etc. gives you the exercise and the mental space. This is also great fun to do with your child.

• How about being in regular contact with special friends and assuring regular communication to feel good and have a laugh.

Focus on the positive in your life and keep those happy feelings alive in you.

The trick here is to set aside time for yourself. It does not have to be a lot of time. In fact, intermittent breaks are very relaxing and rewarding. It just needs to be built into your weekly routines. You need to recognise its value and appreciate that if you are more self-aware and mentally rested, you project a much calmer and reassuring image in the family. Also, you are much happier in yourself.

There is no one way of being and feeling relaxed. Valuing yourself enough to recreate in some way is the key. It is about recognising that your well being influences your children and those around you.

However, in saying that, I stress that your motivation in seeking a space should be more about nurturing yourself. If you come from that awareness you are more inclined to honour it. Also, your child grows to understand that nurturing yourself, the parent is a healthy way to live.

There is the requirement here of some self-discipline. In your busy world, discipline yourself to focus on you for a short time.

Remember, “if mamma is right the whole family is right!”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. ”

— Martin Luther

Encourage “stepping outside the norm”

We often go directly to the predictable. Many of the activities that we provide for our children, including engagement in sports, are excellent and provide the child with new sets of skills, encouraging them to be collaborative on sport fields etc. This is all positive!

This article suggests that sometimes encouraging children to look for difference and to explore activities or opportunities that take them out of their comfort zones. By looking through Alice’s mirror, we encourage them to take a few more risks and to explore things that are different from the normal. It is about conditioning our children to look for different and this may mean taking a few risks and experimenting with some failure built-in as well. It also gives children an appetite for finding different ways of enjoying themselves, rather than sticking to the predictable, the regular and the safe route.

This may mean that we as parents are also taken on a new journey, but stretching a child’s delight in trying on new ways of being and doing is very healthy.

For example, consider your child learning sport unfamiliar to the family. Perhaps table tennis, chess, volleyball etc. It is all about reaching out to find some different ways to learn.

Also, when you are driving home can your child think of new ways to go home. Try experimenting and discussing the new route. What do you discover along the way?

Here we are encouraging a child to look at the world from bigger, bolder eyes. Who knows what they may discover in the unknown?

Consider the following suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child.

Suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child and stepping outside the norm.

• If you are using google to find directions home with your child experiment without the google and see what you learn. Of course, you may need the luxury of time for this experience.

• When your child sits and enjoys art activities, encourage them to use different pens, perhaps only use tearing rather than scissors. This is all about exposing them to different ways of doing things.

• If your child learns an instrument encourage them to practice in different spaces around the house. This may create different effects and sounds etc.

• When you shop with your child, suggest different foods to try and talk about the experimentation of flavours. Naturally cooking is a wonderful time for learning about different flavours, cooking styles etc.

• Your child will be developing a sense of dress overtime. Encourage them to be bold and try on different looks. Affirm their efforts in looking different. Take care not to direct your child into choosing items. Let them think freely.

• When you play games with your child that are formal activities, can the rules be different? Talk about different strategies you use in playing games. Experiment with different games that require the child to think differently.

• Discuss with your child how to set up their room. Encourage them to vary the design and see what difference it makes to light, sleep etc.

• If you are planning to purchase a pet, how about considering a less predictable one such as a turtle etc. to learn about how they live.

• Sometimes choose books to read that are away from what your child generally reads. This gives them exposure to different authors and themes.

These are simply ideas to introduce variance into your experiences with your child. Be an opportunist and seek out occasions where you can present options and challenges in thinking to your child. Let them learn from you that looking for different and new ways of being is a positive thing to do.

Of course, familiarity and predictabilities are quite important for a child’s stability and feeling of being safe. However, sometimes just taking them out of the ordinary, encourages a creative shift in thinking.  

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

— Walt Streightiff

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less than ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

Practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated over time. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being couped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouraging letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play-dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on an institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in charge of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

               “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,

 “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also, teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how to learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh homegrown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tie-dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress-up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself? Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather than texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

Sometimes we are caught on the hop. Have you ever experienced the pressure of children asking an important question and not having the where-with-all to answer? At the moment with so much anxiety around the community, it would be quite normal for a child to ask questions around what is happening at the moment.

Here a series of responses that you may find helpful when answering questions by your child that are really about their security and emotional safety in these difficult times.

These are sentence starters that you may find useful.

12 sentence starters to help answer your child's questions about Coronavirus

• That’s a good question. The virus will make people sick and we take precautions to keep ourselves feeling well.

• Remember that even though we hear some sad stories that can make us frightened, I am here for you and will keep you safe. That’s my job.

• Once we know more about how to treat the virus, we will be able to help people quickly.

• We can help by listening to what the Government wants us to do. They are advised by experienced doctors.

• Yes, everything seems to shut down and it all seems quieter. That is a good sign as we are saying “no” to the virus which spreads when we are too close.

• Being a little scared is normal as this is something new and we are all learning about it. I am here to learn with you.

• I can hear that you are anxious about the virus. Let’s sit down and talk about all the great things that are making us starting to control the virus.

• I love the way you read the signs on the door of the shops. You are being so responsible.

• Mummy and daddy are here for you and will give some guidance on how to be safe.

• When you have any strong feelings just let me know and together, we can work on them.

• I sometimes feel sad about the virus too. We can feel sad together and talk about how we will get on top of it.

• We have to be a distance from people. At home we are family and can be close.

Keep in mind that children are focussed on the present, so the day to day situations are more prevalent in their mind rather than the future.

Be prepared for some questions and when answering give some reassurance and hope.

Smiling and maintaining a happy disposition make such a difference to a child who relies on you feeling secure. Your disposition and careful answering of questions will have a big impact on reducing stress.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— goodparentingbrighterchildren

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human

Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!

It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.

A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.

When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.

By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.

When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.

“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”

By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.

It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.

Consider the following thoughts:

• A child deserves the truth.

• Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.

• If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?

• You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.

• Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.

• By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.

The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.

You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.

“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”

— Howard G Hendricks. parentii.com

Teaching children about themselves.

Growing up can be a difficult business for all of us. It is also about finding out who you are and where you have come from on so many levels.

Children begin their development of self-awareness from birth and in little ways they begin to slowly develop a sense of themselves through their interactions and relationships with family and other significant people in their life.

Most definitely school is a time for testing themselves against others and for building a sense of who they are in the eyes of others. Most important is their development of liking themselves and clearly identifying with their specific world.

Parents are critical in helping a child understand themselves. As a  parent, it is important to ensure that your child knows that you love them. Also giving them clear understandings of where they come from and their family story is critical, as they develop a secure place in their mind of who they are and where they fit into family and society.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop a sense of themselves in the world. Such personal development is ongoing and with increased emotional maturity, a child begins to understand themselves more deeply. What is most important is that they grow to like themselves.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop self awareness.

• Always be truthful about the past. Sometimes it can be hard to hear but a child has a right to understand from where they came and who were instrumental people in their life.

• Tell stories about the family. Perhaps there are funny situations that occurred when you were a child. Children love to store these stories in their memory and overtime they become special family memories.

• Talking about how you grew up and the differences in today’s world is also helpful.  Here you discuss the differences on a generational basis. It helps the child put themselves in a context.

• When subjects come up such as Anzac Day, do you have family stories to tell? Cultural traditions are important to talk about in families.

• When giving your child an affirming message, ensure that you talk more about the quality observed in your child.

“I was so impressed when you helped your brother cross the street. You have a generous streak in you”.

Here you are reminding them of their generosity which highlights a quality of the child.

You are also building up images of what you see in the child. This helps them develop an image of themselves. This is all about building up their identity.

• Write little notes to them from time to time highlighting noticeable qualities that you have observed.

• If you have precious family heirlooms use these objects as a chance to talk about family history. Old family photos are a great resource here.

As a parent, you have a privileged role in guiding your child into self awareness. There will come a time when the child takes ownership of who they are, but until then, be the gentle hand leading your child into a world where they feel valued, loved and confident. So much of this comes from your mature reassurance.

Taking on something new!

What a great idea! Here I refer to stepping out of your comfort zones and into a whole new field. How often do we do this in our busy routine world? I imagine not too often given the demands on our weeks and the expectations placed on us in so many ways. Who wants to put themselves through such an ordeal?

Research tells us that we create new pathways in our brain by stretching our thinking processes into completely new areas. How good is this for our children! Of course, routine is so important and children need repetition and opportunities to reinforce so much of what they do and learn.

This article is to enlighten us to the fact that as parents we need to demonstrate to our children that reaching out and trying new and different experiences is a way of life. It fuels our appetite for change and ignites our interest in a broader world.

As we age, it is comfortable to keep on with what we know and enjoy in our life. Familiarity is certainly predictable. While this has its place, I would also suggest taking a few risks and demonstrating to your child, that risk-taking and seeking out new ways of being and doing are very rewarding.

Consider the following thoughts on how to encourage your child to be hungry for new and different ways of being.

Stepping outside of ‘your’ comfort zone is great for your kids.

• Remember that you are the significant model in this situation. If you demonstrate to your child that you enjoy trying on new ideas in your life, this will have a major impact on your child.

• Talk positively about taking a few risks, trying on new ideas and talk about situations where risk-taking changed your thinking.

• When you notice your child steering away from the regular routine way of doing things, then affirm their efforts.

  “Well done. I just noticed that you chose a different way of working out that sum. That shows initiative.”

“I really like the way you tried to put your Lego together. Trying new ways can lead to different shapes.”

“I love the new outfit you are wearing. It has a different look from your regular clothes.”

• When working through a problem with your child suggest brainstorming many and varied ways of handling the matter. Here you can encourage new ways of looking at a problem.

• When you take on a new direction, talk to your child about what is new and different about this step and why you chose to try it.

“I think tomorrow, I will try a new route to go to work. The traffic is just too heavy at the moment”

• Be bold and specific in making suggestions to the family that take them out of their comfort zones.

“Tonight, let’s eat Japanese. We have never had it before and it can be quite a surprise.”

• Show your child that you value attempting new and different experiences and that you include them in this process.

• With taking on something new it also helps cope with fear of failure.

“I am starting to learn Italian. It may take some time and practice as I will make mistakes along the way.”

• Talking about failure as a normal part of trying new experiences places failure in a normal position in the learning process. It tells the child that when you try new experiences that take you out of your comfort zones, failure will be a natural part of the journey to improvement.

This article is about setting up a climate in the family where new experiences are seen as a positive. Also researching new ways of being and doing are encouraged as with some degree of failure built into the process.

Our children look to us for a framework of how to live and what to value. As they grow and embrace their own ideas, we want them to challenge themselves with new ideas knowing that their base, the family, values this initiative as a way of life.

“Never be afraid to
Try something new,
Because life gets
Boring when you stay
Within the
Limits of what you
Already know.”

— HPLYRIKZ.COM

Never underestimate the impact of body language as a messenger to your child.

Are you an expressive person? Do your feelings show on your face or in the way you use your hands, eyes, etc? Many of us can be quite expressive and many keep a low profile when it comes to revealing all through body language.

For a child it is all about reading their parents in different ways. Often this does not come from words, but from how a parent expresses themselves. A child is very skilled from an early age at reading their parent’s body language. They are keen to know your reaction often to their behaviour or simply to understand what you like, dislike and what pleases you.

Consider a baby in a crib. We smile at them to indicate pleasure and when a young child breaks a glass, we express displeasure through our expressions and words.

There is no escaping the fact that how you express yourself is a tell-tale story to your child.

Consider that your body language can have a major impact on your child and should be used for good and not so much for expressing anger, disappointment etc. Positive, affirming body language will give reassuring messages to your child giving them an indication of how happy you are feeling.

Have you considered your body language around your children?

Eye contact is also very important as this demonstrates to your child that your focus is specifically on them.

Here are some reflections on how to use effective body language.

• When talking to your child, try to face them. If you are talking to a small child, come down to their level. This takes away feelings of superiority and indicates that you want to give them your attention.

• If you have something important to talk about, position yourself in a comfortable situation where you can give your child eye contact and you are directly facing them. This tells the child that they alone are important in this conversation and listening to them will happen with intent.

• If you trying to do several things once such as doing the dishes, watching television and talking to your child, keep in mind that the conversation should be on a superficial level. Don’t expect a great response!

• Watch the tone of your voice. Much is revealed by the tone of voice. Keep your tone the same as normal, changing tone can only unsettle a child who is always mentally checking in to see f all is well.

• Body language should be consistent when discussing matters. If you suddenly change body language such as putting hands on hips, looking cross and frustrated, this will translate a message to your child. Remember that positive responses come from conversations where there is no subtle threat or subliminal power used. 

• If you feel that you are in a state where your body language will dominate the conversation, consider waiting for a better time to talk.

• Smiling is a wonderful statement to make to your child. It says so much and tells the child that you are pleased and satisfied with everything. This is quite a calming and reassuring message to give a child.

• Using your eyes to express joy also is a positive act. How many people do we know that show a positive, inviting disposition through eye gestures, smiles and grins? They actually make us feel better.

As a parent we have the responsibility of supporting our child and using the power of assertive body language only reduces the likelihood of our child being attracted to us when they need support. It also can be seen as a form of emotional bullying and a child will model such behaviour themselves.

Finally, we are always expressing ourselves to our children. Consider how you use body language to reassure them of your feelings and to invite them into a warm and loving relationship.

“Your body communicates as well as your mouth. Don’t contradict yourself.”

— Allen Ruddock