8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times

With the lockdown yet again comes some very low, unsettling feelings for some families. Here are some quick tips to keep a positive momentum happening at home in the long days.

• Be positive. Talk to your child about the life-saving measures of lockdown including the fact that our government is putting our safety ahead of all other matters. This is an important part of a humane society. Try to keep the political discussion out of it.

• Talk about the amazing speed of vaccine development. It has happened so quickly and very skilled scientists are working around the clock to improve our health and to find solutions quickly.

• Talk about contact tracing and how measures are put in place to locate people exposed to the virus. The organisation in this exercise is immense.

• Keep the work online in proportion to the day’s events. Too much online school activities can make for being alone and unhappy. It is hard to feel successful while working online with school activities.  Build in sport or some other recreation and spontaneous laughter during the day. After all, this is a quality time to be with the family, where there is the least interference.

• Give your child updated information, age-appropriate of course. With all the negative and unsettling news, children need the truth about the state of the coronavirus outbreak.

• Keep them away from unsettling newspapers that focus on dramatic headlines that are questionable in truth. This is not a time for whipping up more anxiety.

• Build a few happy, surprise treats into the day. A little bit of extra sugar won’t hurt but can lift the spirits across the days. We are in unique times and we just need to be creative in the way we engage with our family. We need to be more flexible and use our initiative to break the tension that builds.

• Whilst I am always arguing about monitoring the use of technology in the hands of children, now is an important time for them to be in touch with their friends. Talking to friendship groups is comforting and reassuring for children.

Finally, keep in mind that your children will look back on these extreme times and appreciate how you managed their journey through the pandemic and most especially, the lockdowns etc. Being present for them, conscious to keep a happy momentum, informing accurately and capitalising on quality time together is the answer to managing these difficult times.

“Laughter is a tranquiller with no side effects.”

— Author unknown

A few thoughts on school in the month of May

Hopefully, a routine is now well underway. Children should be very familiar with their teacher and class. Homework processes should be well established and weekly patterns with sport afterschool etc. well entrenched in the family’s life.

There are always changes and challenges in a classroom, not the least of which is the social exchanges that happen between children. This is worth checking in on from time to time. Talk to your child and when in doubt the teacher will have the wisdom and knowledge to know about any incident.

Here are some thoughts to keep the school and home life churning away comfortably in partnership:

• Frequently talk to your child about the progress of school. Tuning into school discussion is a way of showing ongoing interest even in the ordinary times.

• Keep an eye on homework patterns and remember if the homework is a struggle talk to the teacher, do not resolve it at home. There are many theories about the value or not of homework. It certainly should not be causing family disruption when the child isn’t coping. It is not the role of the parent to take over homework. The ownership belongs to the school.

• Attend school information nights or class visits when invited. It is so important to keep up the momentum with your child, that school is important and the information they give out is valuable. Your presence at the school means so much to your child.

• Keep an eye on the sleep your child gets during school weeks. As the term progresses, winter creeps in, children can be prone to sickness and fatigue.

• Is your child coping with the amount of afterschool activities? This should be looked at in light of their capacity in coping with school, homework etc. More activities do not make for a richer experience. It is all about finding the right balance.

• Talk about your child’s friends. Be interested in them. It is most important to a child that their friendships are valued by the family. They rely so much on them for social and emotional support. Your approval adds to their sense of satisfaction.

• Read the school newsletter around the family. This is an excellent way to keep in touch and discuss with your child the various aspects of the life of the school.

• Use your fridge as a way of talking about school. Put notices on the fridge, refer to them often.

• Younger students, especially those in the foundation years get school fatigue after a few weeks at school during the term. Keep an eye on this and certainly, keep them home if they need a small break. Best that they are at school happy and learning rather than developing a sense of sadness and tiredness.  Of course, negotiation with your teacher is most important here.

During the school term, it is important to ensure that the life of the school which is such a focus for your child is given high priority in the family.  It should not be competing with family demands. This is comforting to your child when they feel that what happens in the day does not stay in the day, it can be discussed happily at night. We want our children to sense a strong interconnection between school and home. They need to see that the learning and life experiences they gain at school which are wide and variable have a real place in the life of the family.

“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”

— Jane D Hull

Can we slow down and smell the roses?

We live in a world that is so busy constantly. In fact, I will be bold enough to say that we worship speed and value being inundated with information all the time. Social media, our mobiles etc. are all about using technology to speed up information and to be constantly informed.

Our children live in such a world and teachers spend much of their time keeping pace with the pressure of teaching, and at the same time trying to get children to value a slower pace.

Worshipping speed and the overload of information that it can give does not lead to thinking through a balanced understanding of issues.

However, our children are born into the notion that speed and amount of information measures knowledge.

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down. Firstly, it invites them to process the information gently and it highlights the importance of ensuring that the information so gained is not destroyed by the overload of extra information that comes in so quickly.

Teachers recognise that simply gaining more information fast does not necessarily teach a child anymore. They recognise and value the importance of processing information carefully and with attention to detail.

 The following thoughts help us support our children who are overly exposed to information:

• When a child uses internet to gather information, take time with them to decipher what is real and not so real in evaluating information.

• Engage in activities with your child that are single based. This means simply enjoy bike rides or ice creams together. Enjoyment does not need to be any more complicated.

• When you choose family holidays, choose holidays that are not overcomplicated. Do you find for example too many visitors interrupt such simple time with family? Is it necessary to plan holidays that are entertaining every single day?

• Activities such as sitting together and working on a cross word puzzle are excellent opportunities to simply stay focussed together on one activity for a prolonged period.

• Teach your child that overstimulation can lead to fatigue and does not give clarity.

• Demonstrate by your own example how working slowly and carefully through issues is a better way to solve problems and feel successful in outcomes.

We simply teach our children that slowing down and taking time to achieve tasks has within it much reward. We smell the roses when we successfully feel satisfied in our strong and steady achievements.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.”

— Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

How to learn about patience

This is a tricky one for children. By nature, they are slow to be patient especially when they are young. They are living in a fast pace world where social media teaches them that instant gratification and immediate response is to be expected and highly valued. One could say that learning patience is an outdated skill. Consider even simple things. For example, do we wait to have hot cross buns at Easter? No, we find them in the shops as early as February when the last dying ambers of Christmas are present.

We live in a world where instant satisfaction is expected and is regarded as the norm. It is not seen as impatience but a necessary requirement of daily life. It is all about we have a right to be happy all the time because we deserve getting what we want.

Teaching patience, therefore, is necessary as it does not come as an innate skill. People who work hard at being patient learn the art of waiting and with it the appropriate rewards. With patience comes a sense of being at peace and controlling the stress of having things straight away.

Fortunately, school teaches about the value of patience and accordingly rewards children for demonstrating an ability to be patient. Walk into any classroom and you will see many signs referring to dates when certain activities and celebrations will occur. There is often an excitable countdown to a special day. Children must wait for their name to be called out and at times may not be chosen straight away for activities. They have to go with the flow and learn the art of patience. And so, the list of reasons why patience is needed and demanded is clear in a school setting.

At home there are many occasions when patience can be encouraged as a great gift and is highly valued in your family. Waiting for a birthday is a typical one. The anticipation builds and then the excitement of the day. The wait is over and accordingly rewarded.

 Consider:

We all find it difficult to be patient. This is not an innate skill.

• Can you think of several occasions across the week, month etc. when you can reinforce and reward a child’s patience?

• Put up calendar dates on the fridge that you are looking forward to. Talk about the wait and the anticipation that is building.

• Do you know and admire patient people? Talk about them to your child. How were they rewarded? What made them so likeable?

• Ask your child about the times they had to be patient in their school day. Note how being patient kept the class moving.

• Demonstrate patience to your child in your own life.

“I have an important meeting with my boss this week.  I will wait patiently for this as I think it is about my promotion.”

• How about the general nature of being patient? We wait to be served in a restaurant or perhaps we are in a queue at the supermarket. There are many daily occasions when patience is needed. These are perfect times to show your child that being patient is the best way forward. Impatience only leads to stress and poor behaviour on occasions.

Slowly and steadily, you can demonstrate and highlight times when patience wins the day. A child needs positive examples, especially as the anxiousness of society deans quick and immediate responses.

“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”

— Helen Keller

The value of leisure

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us. It is worth contemplating how we use leisure time and how this influences our children.

How we show commitment and prioritise is all about leisure time. Are we a family that hitches up the caravan and disappears to the beach? Leisure time should be modelled for the children as high-quality hours quite separated from the hustle and bustle of work, school, etc.

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us.

Children need to learn that there are clear separations with leisure time from regular life. This teaches them that leisure time is an important investment in life. It nourishes the soul as well as the body.

The more they come to value the experiences, the more they will be searching for it in their own lives.

Take care to ensure that leisure is active and engaging. Watching television, screen time on computers is not giving direct attention to breaking from routine and setting up activities that provide real leisure for all the family.

Teachers invite students to plan leisure activities that will be enjoyed by the whole class. Often this involves active activities such as sport, art etc.  Sometimes school excursions are all about celebrating leisure time together. It is a great bonding agent.

 A few thoughts about developing sound leisure time:

• Invite the whole family into a discussion about how they want to use leisure time.

• Take risks. Suggest new leisure activities that take everyone out of their comfort zones. Our character reflects the leisure we choose.

• Research what is available and within your parameters as a family.

• Plan leisure time regularly and talk about it as part of your family routine. Let it become an important way of life and not just an incidental holiday.

• Get the children involved in the planning and if it involves gathering and packing equipment, this can be a wonderful way for them to become involved. Let them own some of the leisure plans and preparations.

Remind yourself that creating effective leisure time with the family is yet another way of supporting their mental growth and demonstrating the value of rest and recovery from the routine of life. It strengthens self-awareness and is an important way of expressing family.

“‘In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are.’”

— Ovid

Celebrate: it’s a key player in setting life time standards

We all love a celebration. They are so important in our understanding of the values and beliefs we all share in a family. These celebrations are strong reminders to our children that we value something special and we want to gather to remember or acknowledge an important time in our life.

Children look forward to celebrations and given that they may repeat themselves such as birthdays, anniversaries, rituals etc. a child will over time have them entrenched in their thinking as part of their life.

Schools set up celebratory dates from the beginning of the year. They understand that a celebration can be an opportunity to deepen the children’s awareness of some value etc. Take for example, the school’ anniversary each year of Anzac Day. The teachers will use this occasion to reinforce the values of that event and also celebrate the life of those men and woman who died for their country.

There are many aspects to celebrations. Sometimes it is simply about joy and sometimes it may have a deeper meaning such as a religious occasion, anniversary of someone’s life etc.

Keep in mind that the particular celebrations you share as a family reflect your unique qualities and are a chance to reinforce the richness of your family.

The following ideas may help in this area:

• List the celebrations for the year with your child. Perhaps you may add in any extras that are important to celebrate given the circumstances.

• Talk about why you celebrate the occasions and how you want to celebrate it. Children are wonderful at creating ideas for a celebration. Remember happy, positive, long term memories are born from such experiences. My children still vividly remember shopping for and buying a wedding anniversary cake for myself and husband when they were preteenagers. They were so excited to plan and surprise us and they still remember this occasion after many years.

• When something special happens in the family is it an occasion to gather perhaps for a meal and celebrate it together? Be an opportunist and find reasons to celebrate. You won’t have to look far.

• Think about celebrating what you want to see more of. Perhaps your child may be working hard to improve their writing and they find success through this. Then share a meal and praise their efforts. It doesn’t take much to see things that you would like to acknowledge.

• Be creative in how you celebrate and invite your child into the planning process. In this way, they will take more ownership of the event. They will remember the occasion more profoundly.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

— James Baldwin

Fight, flight or go with the flow.

Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.

Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.

Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.

Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.

Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?

Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.

Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.

 Consider:

• When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.

• Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.

• Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.

• If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.

• Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.

“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”

— Gurubogsa

Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow

Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.

Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension. 

Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.

 A few tips:

• Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?

• Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?

• Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.

• When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.

• Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.

Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.

It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.

“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”

— Robert Eliot

Back to school and living the new norm

What is that new norm? It is about living with Covid 19 present around us. It is also having a raised awareness of how the condition can influence our lives. We are still reeling from the difficult year we had in 2020. Now our children return to school and try to start afresh with a new teacher, new friendships, challenges on the yard etc. We all remember the time when so suddenly school was shut and children went online at home to study. No surprises that we have some residual grief about the losses and isolation we all had to endure.

With the above in mind, I recommend that parents consider the following thoughts for a year that, for our children, will be a new norm. The schools may have changed some rules to adjust with dealing with the pandemic and children are aware that washing hands, keeping a distance etc. are all new rules we are living around.

 Consider:

• When planning for term one, go easy. The children may take extra time to adjust to the new school year and term one is all about meeting and greeting, setting boundaries and establishing oneself in the classroom.

• Check in regularly with your child.

“This year has started well. How are you finding the new start?”

• Be in touch with the teacher to ensure that your child is starting well. Best to do this early rather than finding out after too many unsettling times have occurred for the child.

• Setting up a routine is important. Invite your child to help with the plan for that routine. Establish where they will do their homework and talk about the balance of activities across the week. Given the break they had last year, a whole term of afterschool activities across a week could be quite a task.

• Ensure that bedtime is regular. Given the recent holidays and the different patterns of last year, establishing routine bedtime could be difficult for some time.

• Talk occasionally as a family about the unique journey everyone had in the family last year. There may be some grief and disappointments that your child needs to talk about. Perhaps some anxiety about being away from you more often this year. Also, talk about the positive side to the home schooling and to your time together. It was, after all a unique year, unlikely to ever be repeated.

• It is also important to talk generally about the state of the pandemic and how we are managing ourselves. There will be the new issue of the vaccination and there will be much talk about this matter both in the media and amongst the community. Let your child know that keeping abreast of current information that is accurate is important.

• Are there aspects of last year that you wish to take up in 2021? Many families are already bemoaning the fact that they will have less quality time with their children. Plan to keep up some good habits you may have developed from last year when in isolation.

 We all go into this new year with the hope that it will be better for everyone. As a family, we have grown in so many ways being together so intimately. We have initiated new ways to entertain ourselves and just be family.  May the new year, bring with it recently acquired wisdom from 2020 and the hope that we go forward well prepared for 2021 and the new norm.

“Children will listen to you after they feel listened too.”

— Jane Nelsen

Back to school post covid

Are we expecting too much?

Oh, what a year it has been for everyone! Here we are with a few weeks to go, Christmas in the air and school back in action.

Are we normal again? What is normal and is it important to be back in what we understood as normal? Who knows the answer to that question?

With all the variation of the year, changing expectations and the ever-present idea that we could be back in lockdown if everything goes pear-shaped, are we expecting too much?

Here are a few tips to make for a gentle exit to the year and a happy entry into the holiday period.

• Be gentle on yourself. If you notice that you are not operating as normal, so be it!  Now is a balancing act of getting everything done for Christmas and at the same time remaining calm.

• Keep simple and happy routines going for the children. They deserve to feel safe and be reassured of normality in their life. They need to feel a sense of familiarity in their world.

• Don’t set expectations too high with regard to learning. The children are getting back into what is a broken year for school and even teachers will find it hard to assess the performance of the children. You may find the school report quite modified to suit the situation. Remember learning has occurred this year in a whole different way.

• Keep home life stable and not too unsettled. Be predictable and reliable when promising children what lies ahead.

• Take care when disciplining poor behaviour. Check in to find out what is driving the problem. Children can still be unsettled in the school, with friends etc. There may be some matter affecting their ability to function well.

• Take care not too overcrowd the week. Let some form of normality operate in your family life. What can you take out of your week to simplify life for the family? Look positively to the Christmas period. It is an excellent time to heal from our unsettled year. Watch old joyous Christmas movies filled with warm feelings, goodwill and happiness.

• Reduce negative talk around the house. This can make children anxious.

Finally, keep up the listening with our children. They need to feel heard as they come to understand what they have been experiencing this year.

“Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”

— Walt Whitman

As we anticipate the end of the year

So much change and difference has been occurring this year. The news each day about the pandemic, the staggered return to school, the anticipation of holidays, the finishing off a very short unsatisfying school year and so the list goes on. It is natural that our children will be cautious and double-checking with us about holidays plans, Christmas etc.

All of us are placing hope in the new year that it will be as normal as we have had in the past. Children also are quietly placing their own hope in the new year that they will not be anxious anymore about the unknown.

𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧:

• Talk about the positive news we here especially with regard to the incredible speed of the vaccine.

• Talk about the holidays and Christmas being a time to slow down, enjoy the summer spirit and share happy times together. Talk about the plans that you are putting in place for January.

• There are some good news stories appearing in the paper. Talk about the great examples of courage and generosity that are present in our society.

• Invite your child to be part of the holiday plans. This is also a time to talk about what is possible as a family.

• What kind of Christmas are you planning? This is a great time to inject happy, positive feelings around the family. Consider how you will celebrate the festive season and include your child in the planning. The more they engage in activities that are affirming and joyous the more reassurance they gain about the future. We are all talking about the new norm we will live in post the pandemic. Let us at least try to put back some happy normality such as the celebration of Christmas, Summer and holidays. We are fortunate to have this on our doorstep.

• There will soon be the end of the year school functions and it is so important that the children farewell their class in the normal way. Teachers will of course modify the celebrations to suit the occasion but it is a chance to talk about the year and the challenges it has presented. It will be a chance for all school participants to farewell the grief that all felt with such a compromised school this year.

• Try to attend farewell school functions if included as it provides some security and a sense of normality for the child. It also is a vehicle to talk about the modified school year and the loss the child has felt with friendships etc.

• Even though as family lockdown presented all sorts of challenges and opportunities school holidays are all about rest and recovery. Giving your child what would be a normal family Christmas and holiday will be comforting and reassuring after such a tumultuous year. They will love that sense of normality in their life.

Finally, whilst I understand that we’re all talking about what has happened this year, try to reduce the anxious conversation around your child and talk about the hope of Christmas and the New Year. Such talk is healthy for everyone in the family.

Providing balance to your child’s life.

We all need balance in our life. The last few months have challenged families in how they provide such balance and how they keep the overall momentum and spirit of the family going.

Balance is all about ensuring that variation and some real difference comes into play. Having more of the same can be restrictive, tedious and does not give the child opportunities to think in alternative ways. It hinders the ability to process different information and to succeed through various channels. When you spent those long hours working with children on the computer during the home-schooling period, did you not crave letting loose and freeing up time to do other more relaxing activities?

Classrooms are all about providing a day’s activities that contain balanced activities with recreation, spare time, alternative activities etc. The variance stimulates a child to perform better. It’s like pressing a refresher button every so often.  It is all about encouraging children to change direction and process their thoughts differently. This is excellent for stretching the brain in different directions. It enables children to look forward to activities in which they know they can succeed.

The good news is that many of the activities we enjoyed before coronavirus lockdown have returned and so now, we can plan our week confident that we can provide some balance for the week.

Consider:

• Can the children return to sport?

• Are there new sports or outdoor activities they can join?

• Given the quality time you had together in lockdown such as riding bikes etc, can this still be part of your regime?

• Have you mapped out time for homework, time for family activities? Time for personal space etc?

• Are you able to hang onto some of those great family habits of sharing time together now that we are back to post covid normal?

Your child will be adjusting to school, home, reengaging with friends, etc. Keep an eye on the balance and as a family discuss what the week should look like for all family members.

We do not live in a perfect world and families strive to be the best but this will come with twists and turns. Those twists and turns are all about finding some balance especially when times get tough and a new alignment is needed to keep the family well orientated. Such alignment will need frequent upgrades every so often.

 Families are after all a work in constant progress.

“Restore balance. Most children have technology, school and extracurricular activities covered.
It’s time to add
A pinch of adventure
A sprinkle of sunshine
and a big handle of outdoor play.”

— Penny Whitehouse

SO, WE ARE ALL BACK IN ACTION!

How does it feel to be back into weekly routine with the children at school? Much relief I imagine as well as mixed feelings of having less connection to the children throughout the whole day. These times are curious indeed and we will all have various feelings about what is happening, is about to change again and what is safe and constant in our life. As we approach the normal anxiety that comes with Christmas preparations, we are still dealing with settling the children back into school for a few weeks and planning those summer holidays hopefully with more choice than we have at the moment.

No surprises that the family will be a little unsettled as everyone fits back into a routine, wears masks, shops within 25 Kms etc.

Post Covid 19 - and our new routines.

Unusual times calls for some unusual actions to get everyone through the darkest hours. Here are some thoughts to help ease the stress.

• Be kind to yourself, if routine isn’t as you knew it, so be it for the remainder of the year.

• Allow the children to be moody and unsettled as they are still finding their balance back at school and in the home.

• Check in with your child to ensure that they understand what is happening and that they are not being guided by misinformation which can happen through schoolyard gossip.

• Reassure your child that we are getting to the end of the year and with this comes hope for the New Year. We need to build in that component of hope as we work to simply getting better.

• Share family time as with the return of school this will mean less time together and to date, you have had an amazing quality time together.

• Keep up with family activities as these have probably increased over the past few months and they have been a great healing time together. Reduced family time will be a loss for the children.

• Expectations at school will be different and so it is still important to tune into what is being asked of your child. This tells them that your interest in school is still alive.

• Keep family conversations going about how everyone is settling back into routine. The child will feel some loss and gain in all sorts of ways. It is best to talk about these feelings and together work through those shifting emotions.

With a few weeks of the school year left and with the approach of Christmas I have three thoughts on my mind:

Slow down

          laugh together

                    share conversations about this year’s journey.

Let’s understand the value of our unique time together.

What more can we say about the tricky situation we face ourselves in with the lockdown and homeschooling? Here, I suggest we think about how children are learning differently and this has its amazing merits.

Consider the following list of ways children are now learning and experiencing life. Think about how you can enhance and enrich the situation.

Make the most of this stressful time. Value this unique time with your children.

• You are having more conversation with your child across the day. Make them valuable conversations.

• Given the hours you are together, ensure that those hours provide happy experiences. Keep laughter and lightness alive across the day.

• If you are enjoying more outside exercise with your child, start talking about and noticing the beauty and differences in nature. With winter in its grip, this is a great time to observe temperature changes and how the season is crisp and the skylights different.

• With exercise comes more awareness and sensitivity to the body. Talk about your changing fitness levels and have fun in playing and exercising together where possible.

• Be smaller in the way you act and be childlike from time to time. This can be such fun and enlightenment for your child. They need to see the child within their parent.

• Silence can be seen as golden. Enjoy the passive, quiet times when you are simply together. See them as an opportunity to be in each other’s presence without complications of conversation, noise, expectations, etc.

• Of course, food is important during these unsettling times as it often nourishes the spirit and not just the body. Engage in cooking together and enjoying exploring with new flavours, colours etc. in food. Don’t be frightened to simply experiment, make a mess together etc.

• Is there some manual activity you can do with your child? Build a cubby house, make a go-cart etc. Such manual exercise together builds strong bonds.

• This is a time for the family to learn about the value of just sitting and also being active. Talk about how both have value and how to create the balance and not see each of them as rivals.

• This is a wonderful time to really know yourself as a family. What makes your family tick? Explore this question with all the family and talk about how you act as a family unit. Once the busy, noisy regularity of the week goes back to normal you will not have that quality thinking time as a family. There is a certain dynamic that drives your family. Explore it while the opportunity presents itself.

There are many simple activities and experiences going on in the isolation of your family across the day. Think about the simplicity that will be gone once normality comes back. Will we then be craving a quieter time? Will we be regretting the opportunities we had to be just family?

Enjoy the simple, uncluttered moments with the family. Remember that this unique time has some special value in your life.

“Live intentionally. Forget that and your life will be lived for you.”

— Linus Mundy

The changing nature of families

Just when you think everything in your family is sitting cosily, along comes change. Yes, it is true. The nature of families continues to evolve and change, as you and the children experience normal life experiences and the children start to grow. It was common at school for parents to ask how can their beautiful, innocent child that demonstrated sweetness and light suddenly become difficult and present such unattractive behaviour.

Young parents sending their first child to school were always being surprised at the changes their child was making in their first year. Suddenly the child’s exposure to so many other influences loomed loud in their life.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within.

As a family there are certain factors that drive a healthy life across all the age periods that the child and family will experience. Nothing remains constant. Families will experience changes for a variety of reasons that will influence your child’s response. For example, you may go back to work after being at home for some time. A crisis, perhaps a death or illness can have a big impact on how a family operates and how emotionally they feel. As a family there could be crisis which has major changes in the life of everyone. Schools can change, teachers can move schools suddenly, destabilising your child’s feeling of being secure. A child being ill can impact on their emotional response to situations, a new arrival appears in the family and so the list goes on.

What we are saying here is that there are several consistently sound factors that healthy families can live with comfortably, which incorporates and accepts change. Of course, a major feature of late is the adjustments we are all making with Covid 19 in our life. Let’s look at some stable aspects to a family that will help us weather the storm as our family evolves over the years.

The first thought is to accept that change is inevitable and that you welcome the change and various aspects of growth that you notice in your child. This may mean accepting some differences that challenge you as well.

As a family talk about open communication and how you welcome talking about changing ideas, beliefs and values that your child is coming across. Let them know that you respect their growth which will come with the introduction of challenging thoughts and values.

Children become quite sensitive about their friends. Welcome all types into your home. This reassures your child that you value their opinion. You may have some concerns but there are ways and means of having discussions later that do not put judgement on their choices.

As a family try different things across the years. More of the same has its value but if a child wants to try a different sport, activity etc. have ago with them in testing difference.

Compliment them on their growing awareness of life. Sometimes children become anxious to express a different opinion in the house. Welcome and invite different opinions with your children. This leads to healthy, open discussion. Merely enforcing your values only limits the conversation. It certainly doesn’t mean that they will adopt your values in the longer term.

If and when something of a major nature occurs in the family, be open and honest with your child. Of course, providing age appropriate information is necessary. However, the child needs to feel included when the family is in crisis and needs to have an honest understanding of what has happened to change their lives.

It is important for a child to feel that their opinion matters. When they discuss new topics, which can cause you to have some concerns, be authentic in your response and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Open, honest discussion means that children will trust the importance of parents around them with their inner most thoughts. They feel safe sharing with trusting parents that listen respectfully.

It is valuable from time to time to talk as a family about what drives all of you. In this way, children have reinforced ideas about what makes their family tick. They accept and enjoy its uniqueness.

In working with children, I was impressed with the emotional maturity of children who felt comfortable in open and honest discussions with their parents. They would choose them as the first port of call when they had a problem. They also had no reservation in talking about unsettling topics given that they knew parents would be receptive to their discussion and value their thoughts.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within. The family continues to be nourished by healthy discussion and the ability of all members, no matter what age to feel valued and credible as part of the group.

“To improve is to change,
to be perfect is to change often.”

— Winston Churchill

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

If it all gets too much!

And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.

Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:

Are there days when if is all too much?

• simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour

• find it difficult to listen to each other properly

• become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it

• lose interest in being constantly supportive

• find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning

• become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions

• use language that isn’t appropriate.

Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.

Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.

• If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.

• Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.

• Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.

• Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.

• Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.

• If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?

• Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.

Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.

Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.

Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.

Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.

Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”

— J K Rowling

The power of simply walking away

This is a great strategy to use in difficult times. We are all living in confined spaces for some time. This is the new norm. We are all trying to reinvent a situation in the home that works for all involved from the youngest to the oldest. Whoever thought that such a confined and prolonged situation would happen?

Well it certainly has and whilst we have to recreate, we also need to recognise our trigger points and all the various aspects of the day that can set us off. It is natural to be reactive in confined spaces.

This article is simply to remind us of an excellent strategy, one that is used by many people when they feel overwhelmed. This strategy works on various levels. It all about the art of simply walking away when it gets too much. This strategy works because it creates some emotional space between the incident and the feelings of heightened anger or frustration which invariably lead to an explosion.

Does this look like you at times?

Once you leave the immediacy of the situation and simply distance yourself from what has upset you, you will automatically slow down this heightened feeling. Other forms of this strategy are to avoid walking into situations when you know you will react. This is taking quite a proactive stand.

Creating the distance has a remarkable calming effect on the intensity of the problem. If the problem was a ten out of ten, now it may be an eight out of ten.

If you anticipate reacting badly to some potential situation at home, can you remove yourself for a short period to slow down your response? It really works.

In working with children, it was accepted that you never responded straight away, you allowed a moment or two to elapse which led to better outcomes in dealing with the problem. It helped to process the problem better and to prepare a more suitable response. Teachers are quite skilled in doing this as there are many times in a busy day in a crowded classroom that they can be quickly overwhelmed by a problem.

Removing yourself is effective for the following reasons.

• You are not overreacting and saying and doing things that you later regret. Keeping everything in proportion is so important.

• Creating space helps you have time to process the problem and put it into perspective. It is amazing how your brain works to recover from the heightened anger quickly when you allow that mental space.

• It allows the child to think about what has just happened and this gives them time to respond with less anxiety.

• You are generally sounding calmer and direct your comments to the child in a more acceptable way. The child is more likely to listen if the parent is in control.

• The more you train yourself to step away when feeling very upset, the more you will appreciate that the outcomes are better for all concerned.

• You are also demonstrating to your child that you need time to understand what has just occurred. You are not over judging.

Keep in mind that at all times in communication with your children you need to manage how you communicate by being in control.  When situations look precarious find ways to step away from the situation at least for a little while until you feel more in control. Whilst living around each other in confined spaces train yourself to recognise the trigger signs that set you off. Being in control will also be noticed by your children which is a calming agent for them.

This article is a simple one. It just gives us an excellent method of managing tempers that can quickly escalate.

Practice walking away in your mind and perhaps physically walking away from the situation for a moment. Be silent in voice and body. You have nothing to lose but much to gain in showing effective self-discipline in highly charged situations.

“The best answer to anger is silence.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost