Watch out for the doubtful Thomas in your child

It is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts.  We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.

Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.

When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.

When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.

Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.

“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”

Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.

Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:

“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.

The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.

Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.

What number do they give the doubt?

Set a small goal.

“I will try my best and just get to the end.”

It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.  

Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.

In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.

Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.

“Successful people have fears.

Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.

They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”

T Harv Eker.

It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence

Are you sure your child knows what you are saying?

Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.

Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.

When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.

In working with children, it was very apparent that  I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.

             “I would like to talk to you about......”

 It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.

            “When the incident happened you got very angry”

            “When you were angry you     ......”  

When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.

When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.

The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:

•  Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.

• Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.

• Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.

• Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.

• Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.

• Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.

• Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.

A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.

This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.

Often you hear parents say:

             “ my child never listens to me”.

 I often heard from a child:

             “I don't know what mum wants from me.”

Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.

“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”

— George Orwell 1984

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984

How to build a child’s strengths.

Let’s face it, the more we feel stronger and confident in ourselves, the greater capacity we have to be successful and most importantly, like ourselves.

The best way to have success is to recognise that we do have strengths and that these are special highlights of our ability to cope. We also have low-lights that we need to work on. Recognising our low-lights should be seen as growth curves where we need to keep on  working towards improvement.

For a child, dealing with emotions, regulating emotions is hard work. It is always best to start by focusing on strengths that are visible, repetitive and which give the child a feeling of success. This could be anything from being able to pack up their toys at an early age, through to having an aptitude for Maths.

The best way to affirm is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.

For example:

“I really like the way you write in your book. You have a neat and very attractive style of writing. This shows me how skilled you are in this area.”

Notice that the emphasis is on being specific in relation to the skill that you have noticed. When it is repeated:

“Once again you show me how well you can write. I will ask you to write down the grocery list. This will be a help to me.”

It is also about utilising the skill and demonstrating how such a skill can cross over and be useful on different levels. This teaches the child that they have very capable skills which impact on others.

“You tidy the toys so well. I hope you will help me tidy my room it is such a mess”.

By giving them the awareness that their strengths are useful, they will begin to develop stronger relationships and will find their own application for their skills.

 Whilst working with one child, who lacked some personal confidence, especially in school work, we all recognised how strong he was in sport. He was asked to help the younger children develop their games and this gave him personal pride and led to his improved overall self esteem.

Strengths are a wonderful building block upon which children grow on so many levels not the least of which is self awareness. The more self aware we become, the greater capacity we have to manage and value our strengths. It also helps us put our vulnerabilities in a better, more manageable perspective.

The best way to affirm your child’s strength is to acknowledge the actual presence of strength in what they do or say.

What time is the right time?

Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child. As a counselor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level. In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc. 

A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.

If you are planning a  special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher.

It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.

Chose the right time for a meaningful activity with your child.

Let’s look at developing real independence in our children

The world today is a cautious place and there are very sound reasons why we need to consider how best to keep our children safe and away from harm’s door. Having said that, it is also vital that the child learns to be independent and starts from an early age to resolve matters for themselves.

In my work as a Principal, I was very aware that children these days lack resilience and this reflects how society in its determination to keep children safe, over nurture and choose to make decisions for children to secure the right outcome.

My observation and work with children also led me to recognise that  independent children, actually learnt fast, took risks and thought about matters in a more open ended way. They were children who felt comfortable in their own skin, happier in themselves generally and showed an inner confidence and emotional maturity that paid off for them in many ways.

How do we feel satisfied as a parent that we are keeping them safe, but actually letting them come out from their cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.

I recommend providing slow and progressive opportunities to show independence. This can start as early as the sandpit where they need to clean it up to make it safe and clean to use.

There are many occasions in the home environment where a child can show and develop independence. The kitchen is a prime example. Are they responsible for taking out rubbish out? Do they choose the décor for their room?  

Giving our children a range of domestic responsibilities is a great start. We can overtime move into more areas where independence can grow.

Homework is a classic example. If they choose not to complete it, the teacher will deal with providing consequences. Are they able to be dropped off at the corner with friends and walk to school? There are many examples and in most cases children feel so successful when they take a leap of independence.

Of course the independence they especially enjoy is when they are given personal freedom. By negotiating with your child, this is all possible. As the child gets a little older, with gradual support in being independent, you also begin to have more confidence in their ability to cope. This feeds into their overall awareness that you trust them.

It is best to remember that in order to make our children safe, they need to be aware and in tune with what is around them. This only comes from personal experience on their own part. When we over nurture, a child switches off their accountability button and learns little about how to understand the world. Such delayed maturity is a dangerous thing as children get older.

Keeping them safe is to set them free gradually. If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.

“I never teach my pupils, I only provide the conditions in which they can learn.”

—   Albert Einstein 1879-1955

If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.

Siblings can get in the way of each other

Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?

This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.

I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.

However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

 The following ways may be helpful:

•  Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.

• Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.

• If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.

• Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.

• Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.

Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as  a mentor and mediator.

Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.

One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

Enjoying the moment with your child

How time passes when we simply don't notice the uniqueness of our child, the journey of their growth or their shift from childhood into adolescence, from adolescence into adulthood. This article merely touches on the value of stopping to smell the roses and enjoy the moment with the child.

We are very explicit with our families in terms of the things that we want to pay attention to and these are often around functional and aspirational things. For example, achieving at school, playing sport, doing homework etc. We are all keen to put emphasis on very typical aspects of our life which are common in many families. We expect to be attentive and reflective around such important issues.

What is unique are the individual moments to be shared with your child as they develop over the years. For example, if you bike ride with your child, stop for a minute and reflect on how joyous that experience is for all of you. When you sing a song together, set the kitchen table together, watch a humorous movie together,  these are all times to reflect on that special moment that is a snap shot of your life together. It is difficult for parents with young children to imagine their child older, more independent. Time passes and this comes around quicker than we can imagine. Ask any parent whose last child is leaving primary school! A great way of understanding the preciousness of the moment is to look back on photos. Here we easily stop and reflect on that scene and contemplate how things have changed.

We cannot suspend time, but there is some evidence that time accelerates in our mind when everything is going well. Try to simply take some time to enjoy the moment whether it be watching your child in a classroom, sports field, play ground etc and reflect on the joy of that moment. Being more in harmony with the uniqueness of the present moment makes for a calmer disposition all round.

 Here are a few thoughts to get you in a reflective mindset.

• Take a big breath and just look around.

• Look for the lighter side of the moment.

• Tell yourself why this is special.

• Pretend you are snapping a photo of that moment and remind yourself why?

“If you are always racing to the next moment, what happens to the one you are in?”

— HPLYRIKZ.com

Getting the most out of time together

As parents we work hard to give our children fulfilling experiences. However, I challenge you to go outside the norm and give everyone in the family an exceptional and challenging experience. This is the stuff that makes for future stories and great memories when you take yourself out of the ordinary and into the unknown. For example, how about an adventurous and challenging hike?

If you are a family that has a focus on one sport activity, put it aside for a while and do something quite different.

I always remember the reaction when I put to the school parents that we would take our seniors to Canberra for the first time. The anticipation, the anxiety of some parents was high, but what an adventure we all had. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of other school camps over the years. However, this took us well out of our comfort zones. I know that the children still have fond memories including staff and that was several years ago.

Consider the adventure and challenge in your plan. There is often a much greater need to depend on each other in more demanding circumstances and this leads to stronger bonds between family members.

Why not simply talk about it as a family and together plan something that will literally present some challenges, create new experiences and bring you all into new territory together.

As a family when our children were teenagers, we charted a yacht and sailed around Tahiti. This was a little scary but it still is a source of much conversation and enjoyment when reliving the occasion.

In order to strengthen bonds in family, it is worthwhile considering some new experience that requires developing new skills. Plan it together. The more the children are involved in the organising, the better for all. It can even raise anxiety a little but ultimately it is a shared experience unique to you as a family.

“FAMILY…

We may not have it all together

But together we have it all.”

— Unknown

Create new experiences that bring your family into new territory together.

What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

Take care to always tell the truth. It does set our children free.

As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!

In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.

This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.

The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.

In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.

Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.

•  Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully

             “I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”

Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.

Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.

They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.

After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.

Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.

•  Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:

 “You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.

This is more realistic then saying:

 “you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”

The first statement is real and genuine.

Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.

Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”

— Mark Twain

If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.

What is really the truth for a child?

Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age.  A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.

When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.

Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.

Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed. 

•  When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.

 “Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.

•  As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?

•  Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.

•  When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did  you feel afterwards when it was all over?

•  If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.

 “I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”

When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.

Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.

In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:

 “I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone      concerned”.

This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.

 Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.

Take care with incidental language

One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

           “John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

            “Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

            “John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

            “You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

            “You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

             “Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

 Try saying:

             “Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

 The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

                                              It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell

It’s all in the words

What about regret?

Can we think about our childhood for a moment and some of the regrets we may carry with us? Perhaps those regrets may include occasions we missed with our parents. Of course parenting in each generation is different and we need to remember that what was relevant for one generation may not be the same for the next generation. Still, we probably remember and have some grief about lost opportunities

This article is just reminding us that the time we have with our children is precious, short and remarkable. Their growth and frequent changes physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally surprise us all. Without sounding too grim, we can easily miss precious moments often those spontaneous moments that give parents so much joy. That special moment when they start to talk or develop cute expressions or play sport for the first time in a team. How about when they show you their first tooth coming loose and the excitement when they have a birthday. Our whole journey with them consists of moments in time and despite how busy we are we should try and have a strong presence in their life so that as a parent you gain the pleasure and satisfaction of parenting which you deserve.

As a school Principal, talking to a parents, it was not uncommon to hear parents expressing regret around missed opportunities with their children. Whilst I hear you say, I can't be there for everything, I would say that the child values the effort made. If they see how you value being strongly present in their life, they are very content. A child recognises and values your spirit of determination and desire to share their journey. That is what remains with them over time.

After all this is part of your journey as well as the child. Your life changed the minute your child was born and your presence in their life is so intrinsically bound together.  You will never be the same after the birth of your child. I am not talking here about your commitment and responsibility to your child, most parents understand and take that seriously. I am referring to your natural desire to continue sharing their life in many different ways. They will naturally fuel your emotional stability, demonstrate such powerful things such as unconditional love and give you many opportunities to simply stop and smell the roses. We learn in so many varied ways from our children's journey. This is how we grow emotionally as well.

Talk to anyone who has teenagers and they will easily tell you how their child's early childhood went too quickly. They question if they missed important milestones and they sense some grief with the loss of those early delightful years when they were so dependent on you.

No regrets if you as the parent, plan to have a strong presence in their life, capturing in your mind and heart those special snapshot moments. Whilst our jobs and external roles are important, they will pass and be forgotten in the schema of time. Not so when it comes to those deep, happy and unique memories of sharing your child's special moments in their journey. No regrets PLEASE.

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”

— Anonymous

Do you regret time missed with your children?

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.

Learning about what to have and how to live without ownership of everything.

What a difficult lesson it is to teach our children that we do not need to own everything. This is tricky, especially when so many other children around them seem to have so much more. 

“Strive to have access to things. Not ownership of them. Possess something and it possesses you.”

— “Keep Life Simple Therapy”, Linus Mundy.

This certainly touches on family values and how a child understands what is possible and not possible in their family setting. It is about teaching the child that we live within our means. Living within your means can be taught quite well to the child.

In my experience families that play together, laugh together, talk together, physically exercise together, bike ride, walk in parks, play formal games like Monopoly etc., demonstrate to their children that there are many ways to access things but not own them. The more motivated they are with regard to accessing what is available for them, the greater appreciation they develop about what is around.

Also families can talk about their finances and what constitutes living in their means. This is such a worthwhile life lesson to teach children. In today's world, where financial transactions take place with credit cards etc. children do not get a visual understanding of cost.

Below are some useful tips in giving children a better understanding of appreciating things but not feeling unsatisfied if not owning some goods.

•  This is about the whole family setting family limits and discussing how their budget works perhaps across  a week. Best to keep it short and it can be in simple terms. It is about getting the child to reflect on the cost of living.

• Celebrating all the opportunities where the family can access things as opposed to owning them. For example as mentioned above utilising all the natural resources available in the area.

• Encourage the child to research the price of items. This is great for their Maths but also gets them to understand the value of goods.

• If a child has pocket money, then teaching them to save for a special item gives them pleasure in their efforts. Grandparents are great supports in quickly building up their resources.

• As a family, budget for one special item and tap into how that is going over time.

• Birthdays or Christmas are a great occasion for a child to receive something special. The waiting till the occasion has arrived is teaching the lesson of patience as well as placing more value on the gift.

• Encourage the child to write thank you cards when given something special. This helps them reflect on the effort on the part of the giver.

• Tell stories of your childhood and the excitement of waiting for gifts etc. Perhaps you had a paper round or worked to earn small amounts of money. Talk about the joy you felt when the effort was rewarded.

• If the answer is No to something they want, be prepared to explain the reason and listen to their concerns. Can you negotiate with them or is it simply not within budget expectations.

• Keep coins at the ready in your purse and invite the child to count out and pay for items with coins.

I have had the privilege of managing schools in different economic zones. What I learnt was that those children with less, seem to appreciate what they receive with gratitude and develop a deeper understanding of its value. They also display considerable creativity in their play. For our children in more affluent areas relying on their own creative resources is not necessary at times. Appreciation and gratitude can be harder lessons to learn. Families are highly influential in this area.

If a family demonstrates restraint and self management, this is a lesson well taught to a child.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Feeling sorry is important but within reason.

Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.

This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.

Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.

These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.

Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.

• As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.

• If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.

• Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.

• At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a  positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.

Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.

Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.

Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.

Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

Checking in on the happiness level of your family.

When the family gathers, is there an air of happiness?  Families that seem happy and enjoy each other's company tend to talk more together, are certainly noisier and from my observation seem to have a well developed ability and interest in listening to each other. They seem more tolerant of each other's vulnerable sides and will often find humour in the various habits and patterns that members of the family adopt.

We should never underestimate that being happy is actually a strength and that seeing the world in a positive light can set the scene for a family to work out of a positive disposition.

When emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment dominate a parent's disposition, any wonder that the child will close down their communication and develop coping skills around the parent.  Such negative emotions can also be seen by the child as a use of power against themselves.

Children sense very easily what buttons will trigger negative emotions in their parents. They will also develop their own ability to get their needs met and sometimes this involves going around the parent.

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child. It is quite compulsive. People like being around such people and so too children. Of course life presents challenges and when a parent feels less likely to be optimistic, happy to engage and positive, it is best to let your child know.

“Today I feel not at my best. I have some things on my mind and tomorrow will be a better day.”

This is all about alerting your child when to best approach them for advice etc. It also reduces confusion for the child who knows you as a happy, positive person.

Keeping the happy levels of the family at a high  level should be a focus for parents. Laugh together and enjoy hearing the delights of each other's experiences. Go into conversation with a positive approach. Find warmth and humour in what they have to tell you. Use affirming language and avoid down language.

 “I had so much shopping to do today. Wow. I felt like a donkey carrying all those groceries. I think I looked like a donkey too with my sore back.”

Down language could be:

 “I had so much shopping to do today. It was heavy and my back is so sore”

The use of positive language does not undermine the message but creates a positive aspect to how it is expressed.

If children hear such positive inflection in their parent's conversation they will respond positively themselves and certainly be less cautious in talking to their parents, feeling emotionally much safer.

In working with children, they would sometimes tell me that they would choose not to talk about certain topics to their parents as it made their parents angry. They would be selective in what and how they expressed themselves.

 Try some of the following to lighten the load and brighten the day.

• Smile often when talking.

• Have a warm tone in your conversation.

• Use a gentle calm voice at all times. Sometimes, when they talk about their day have a laugh and join in the story.

• Applaud their strengths with confidence and warm thoughts.

 Some parents have affectionate titles for their children which makes the child feel good.

 “Thanks speedy. I always get it on time.”

 “Hey handsome pass me the spoon.”

Tell jokes to each other. The children love joke telling. I know of one family who have a very bad book of jokes but the family have a joke sharing time each week. This is great fun. Tell them your rate of happiness.

 “Today I feel ten out of ten in being just happy. What is your number?”

The message to the child is that taking on a positive happy disposition, enlivens the space in which you live. You are telling them that when I feel happy, the world is a better place, come and join me!

                                 “The secret of a long life,

                                     LAUGHTER.

                                 The secret of a long-lasting relationship

                                  laughing together.....”

~ tinybuddha.com

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child.

Some children demand more attention or perhaps just need more attention?

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

I have often wondered about this as we can easily see in classrooms how each child responds differently to the teacher.

There are many myths and stories around why this is so, but I have come to the conclusion that some children need more attention because it is simply part of their personality. It is often the case that if they over demand from parents, they often over demand equally from others in differing ways. Think about those adults you know who have a personality type that is more 'out there'. They are sometimes not great listeners and seem to have too much to say. This can be very off putting to the listener.

Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for a child demanding more attention. If the behaviour is extreme, this does need to be explored with various support groups such as teachers and counsellors. In this article I am referring to a child that has developed a style where they will over talk others in the family or generally set up behaviour to ensure that all eyes are on them!

Firstly, let us see the positive here. The child is keen to be actively engaged. This can be a good thing in moderation. Repeated bouts of behaviour that draw attention to themselves can be self destructive and the child is not learning the best ways to be effective as a communicator.

For these children, it is all about setting up conditions that give them the opportunity to have a voice and also to learn the benefits of listening to others.

This is a slow and steady process which does require trying to set up positive reinforcement for the child when they successfully change their behaviour. I suggest the following ideas may be helpful in working on conditioning some change in their behaviour so that they feel satisfied they are heard and learn to listen to others.

•  Set up a time when you sit and simply talk about the issue. Make sure you affirm their voice first.

  “I am very impressed that you want to be part of so many conversations. It can be tricky   when we all talk at once.”

•  Discuss how taking turns in talking is a positive thing to do. Discuss a simple plan to affirm your child when he practices slowing down and listening to others. Perhaps agree that if he listens well and waits you can give him extra time to talk at the end.

• Play games with the family. This is about sharing and waiting patiently for each person to have their say and their go.

Some parents have found it useful to promise extra chat time before bed when they demonstrated they could listen. I know one family who accumulated the time. For every time the child waited patiently, they added an extra few minutes onto night chats.

When working with children I have found that if you simply sit and listen with intent in an uninterrupted time, they feel quite satisfied. So much of our time in listening is done on the run. Active listening is so helpful for these children as you are gently repeating and reflecting back on what they have said. On so many occasions, children do not really think we are truly listening and just keep on with the negative attention seeking behaviour.

Don't forget to spontaneously celebrate when they actually slow down and listen.

 “Well Done. You listened to your brother so well. I am wondering what you want to say now?”

Watch your body language around these children. They are very aware that you are sensitive to their repeated calls for attention. If we appear very irritated the behaviour can actually escalate. Try and remain calm and gently remind them about how they are great talkers but need now to wait and listen.

As a family practise silence for a few minutes. Many schools use yoga or meditation to train children into enjoying and understanding silence. Some families have a minute silence before they all chat about their day or eat a meal.

Remember that attention seeking can be for many reasons. The above thoughts reflect helping a child feel reassured that their voice is strong and valued in the family. It can be understood by all in less pronounced ways with support.                           

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?