How do we cope with the “Me” generation child?

This is tricky. After all your child is part of their own generation feeding each other the same information and operating out of the same culture. When you associate with your own generation, it seems comfortable and right. We all experience this sensation. We all look back on our youth and reflect on how we interpreted the world. So too, the “Me” generation feel the same.

Everything is about them. They are the focus. Attention should be drawn to them for they are the key figures to be thought about. They are the key players in their life. Their needs come first. Hence the word “Me”.

After reflecting on this you must as a parent be feeling a little helpless and immediately want to rush to setting the rules and putting them duly in their place. I get it! Who doesn’t want their child to be everything they want them to be? Polite, generous spirited, intelligent etc. Not self centred and focussed on themselves. Afterall, we grew up with these concepts. Didn’t we?

This article has a twofold purpose. Firstly, it is to remind us that each generation make their mark and find their space and place in society. There is nothing wrong with that concept. We need to respect their right to be themselves, placed in society.

The second purpose is to remind you, the parent that you still have the responsibility to guide and direct your “Me” generation child. They need to operate in society with sound values and respect for others.

Putting others first before themselves can be the tricky point as one feature of the “Me” generation is to see themselves as number one before all others. As a parent you have your work cut out for you. Firstly, to understand and give them space to have their rightful place in society but also to be living in a society with others, justly and fairly.

Do you feel you’re raising the next ‘me’ generation?

Here are some thoughts to help you walk with your child comfortably through the process.

• Whilst your child will have their own friends, make sure they are exposed to people of different generations and races. Talk about their stories and the differences seen across the generations.

• In the home, ensure you have a set of family values that you cherish and live by. As a family talk about them regularly. This could include the value of listening to others, giving everyone a fair go, being empathetic to each other, waiting your turn and so the list goes. What matters to you as an effective family is the key point. When the values break down talk about them.

• Discuss how being part of groups and sharing is so important. This can happen through sports etc. Schools teach and encourage team activities that involve the art of cooperating and working as a team. Ask your child what they are learning at school about cooperation.

• Take note of what they are watching on television and social media. Ensure that there is as much balance as possible in their viewing. It certainly needs to be well monitored by you, the parent. The more you can encourage them to view screening time in your presence, the better.

• When watching programs together point out the values you have noticed through story. Of course, this is done well when reading books to your child.

• Keep an eye on the priorities within the family. Are you finding enough quality time together? Check in on this regularly. It can easily be watered down.

• Do you as a family talk together, share meals together, play and laugh together? All of these should be given a priority in a busy family. This may mean reducing other activities or changing patterns.  This is best done in discussion with your child. Families that work together, stay together and engage on a much higher level as a family. The desire to be family grows stronger with a child when they feel happy.

These ideas are all about stabilising your child’s life which will be caught up with so many options and values.

I understand a child must learn about their own society which involves interacting with each other and being a legitimate member of their “Me” group.

The more exposure to strong stable influences in their life, particularly their family, the greater propensity they will have for making informed choices based on considering others and not just themselves. Being a member of the “Me” generation can still include the need to think of “Others.”

“Life affords no greater respect, no greater privilege than the raising of the next generation. ”

— C Everett Koop

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost

Keeping you the parent well and healthy makes for a happier child

Most important! Your health as a parent under all the stress that is current is an important factor in keeping the home fires burning well. The old saying, “if mamma ain’t right, the whole family ain’t right” has some truth in it.

Walking through depleted shops, listening to the current news is enough to fester feelings of being very sad and in some cases sets off depression.

Rising above this and maintaining all that you do in the life of the family is a big ask for anyone.

Of course, here we are advising you how to look after your family during such a crisis and forgetting to mention that your mental and physical health takes a high priority. The question you ask is how can I maintain my own sanity and feel capable in managing the family during these demanding times?

The answer is not simple but it does draw on your own ability to be a little selfish and put yourself first.

Can you do any of the following?

A healthier and happier parent makes for a happier child.

• Take an occasional walk. Some people just use a shopping centre as a place to leisurely walk. Walking can be so invigorating. Of course, the greener the environment, the more uplifting is the spirit.

• Can you listen to music while working?

• Do you have an activity that you really love and feel better after completing? Is it possible to find space for this in your busy life?

• Can you read at night? Is this a relaxing time for you?

• How about a treat? Some mums just love a facial, bath, spa etc something which soothes the soul.

• How about stopping and having coffee and cake just on your own.

• Do you enjoy reading the newspaper, magazines etc?

• Exercising at home to video clips, music etc. gives you the exercise and the mental space. This is also great fun to do with your child.

• How about being in regular contact with special friends and assuring regular communication to feel good and have a laugh.

Focus on the positive in your life and keep those happy feelings alive in you.

The trick here is to set aside time for yourself. It does not have to be a lot of time. In fact, intermittent breaks are very relaxing and rewarding. It just needs to be built into your weekly routines. You need to recognise its value and appreciate that if you are more self-aware and mentally rested, you project a much calmer and reassuring image in the family. Also, you are much happier in yourself.

There is no one way of being and feeling relaxed. Valuing yourself enough to recreate in some way is the key. It is about recognising that your well being influences your children and those around you.

However, in saying that, I stress that your motivation in seeking a space should be more about nurturing yourself. If you come from that awareness you are more inclined to honour it. Also, your child grows to understand that nurturing yourself, the parent is a healthy way to live.

There is the requirement here of some self-discipline. In your busy world, discipline yourself to focus on you for a short time.

Remember, “if mamma is right the whole family is right!”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. ”

— Martin Luther

Encourage “stepping outside the norm”

We often go directly to the predictable. Many of the activities that we provide for our children, including engagement in sports, are excellent and provide the child with new sets of skills, encouraging them to be collaborative on sport fields etc. This is all positive!

This article suggests that sometimes encouraging children to look for difference and to explore activities or opportunities that take them out of their comfort zones. By looking through Alice’s mirror, we encourage them to take a few more risks and to explore things that are different from the normal. It is about conditioning our children to look for different and this may mean taking a few risks and experimenting with some failure built-in as well. It also gives children an appetite for finding different ways of enjoying themselves, rather than sticking to the predictable, the regular and the safe route.

This may mean that we as parents are also taken on a new journey, but stretching a child’s delight in trying on new ways of being and doing is very healthy.

For example, consider your child learning sport unfamiliar to the family. Perhaps table tennis, chess, volleyball etc. It is all about reaching out to find some different ways to learn.

Also, when you are driving home can your child think of new ways to go home. Try experimenting and discussing the new route. What do you discover along the way?

Here we are encouraging a child to look at the world from bigger, bolder eyes. Who knows what they may discover in the unknown?

Consider the following suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child.

Suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child and stepping outside the norm.

• If you are using google to find directions home with your child experiment without the google and see what you learn. Of course, you may need the luxury of time for this experience.

• When your child sits and enjoys art activities, encourage them to use different pens, perhaps only use tearing rather than scissors. This is all about exposing them to different ways of doing things.

• If your child learns an instrument encourage them to practice in different spaces around the house. This may create different effects and sounds etc.

• When you shop with your child, suggest different foods to try and talk about the experimentation of flavours. Naturally cooking is a wonderful time for learning about different flavours, cooking styles etc.

• Your child will be developing a sense of dress overtime. Encourage them to be bold and try on different looks. Affirm their efforts in looking different. Take care not to direct your child into choosing items. Let them think freely.

• When you play games with your child that are formal activities, can the rules be different? Talk about different strategies you use in playing games. Experiment with different games that require the child to think differently.

• Discuss with your child how to set up their room. Encourage them to vary the design and see what difference it makes to light, sleep etc.

• If you are planning to purchase a pet, how about considering a less predictable one such as a turtle etc. to learn about how they live.

• Sometimes choose books to read that are away from what your child generally reads. This gives them exposure to different authors and themes.

These are simply ideas to introduce variance into your experiences with your child. Be an opportunist and seek out occasions where you can present options and challenges in thinking to your child. Let them learn from you that looking for different and new ways of being is a positive thing to do.

Of course, familiarity and predictabilities are quite important for a child’s stability and feeling of being safe. However, sometimes just taking them out of the ordinary, encourages a creative shift in thinking.  

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

— Walt Streightiff

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less than ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

Practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated over time. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being couped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouraging letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play-dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on an institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in charge of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

               “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,

 “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also, teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how to learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh homegrown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tie-dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress-up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself? Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather than texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

Sometimes we are caught on the hop. Have you ever experienced the pressure of children asking an important question and not having the where-with-all to answer? At the moment with so much anxiety around the community, it would be quite normal for a child to ask questions around what is happening at the moment.

Here a series of responses that you may find helpful when answering questions by your child that are really about their security and emotional safety in these difficult times.

These are sentence starters that you may find useful.

12 sentence starters to help answer your child's questions about Coronavirus

• That’s a good question. The virus will make people sick and we take precautions to keep ourselves feeling well.

• Remember that even though we hear some sad stories that can make us frightened, I am here for you and will keep you safe. That’s my job.

• Once we know more about how to treat the virus, we will be able to help people quickly.

• We can help by listening to what the Government wants us to do. They are advised by experienced doctors.

• Yes, everything seems to shut down and it all seems quieter. That is a good sign as we are saying “no” to the virus which spreads when we are too close.

• Being a little scared is normal as this is something new and we are all learning about it. I am here to learn with you.

• I can hear that you are anxious about the virus. Let’s sit down and talk about all the great things that are making us starting to control the virus.

• I love the way you read the signs on the door of the shops. You are being so responsible.

• Mummy and daddy are here for you and will give some guidance on how to be safe.

• When you have any strong feelings just let me know and together, we can work on them.

• I sometimes feel sad about the virus too. We can feel sad together and talk about how we will get on top of it.

• We have to be a distance from people. At home we are family and can be close.

Keep in mind that children are focussed on the present, so the day to day situations are more prevalent in their mind rather than the future.

Be prepared for some questions and when answering give some reassurance and hope.

Smiling and maintaining a happy disposition make such a difference to a child who relies on you feeling secure. Your disposition and careful answering of questions will have a big impact on reducing stress.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— goodparentingbrighterchildren

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human

Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!

It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.

A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.

When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.

By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.

When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.

“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”

By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.

It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.

Consider the following thoughts:

• A child deserves the truth.

• Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.

• If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?

• You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.

• Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.

• By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.

The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.

You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.

“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”

— Howard G Hendricks. parentii.com

Teaching children about themselves.

Growing up can be a difficult business for all of us. It is also about finding out who you are and where you have come from on so many levels.

Children begin their development of self-awareness from birth and in little ways they begin to slowly develop a sense of themselves through their interactions and relationships with family and other significant people in their life.

Most definitely school is a time for testing themselves against others and for building a sense of who they are in the eyes of others. Most important is their development of liking themselves and clearly identifying with their specific world.

Parents are critical in helping a child understand themselves. As a  parent, it is important to ensure that your child knows that you love them. Also giving them clear understandings of where they come from and their family story is critical, as they develop a secure place in their mind of who they are and where they fit into family and society.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop a sense of themselves in the world. Such personal development is ongoing and with increased emotional maturity, a child begins to understand themselves more deeply. What is most important is that they grow to like themselves.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop self awareness.

• Always be truthful about the past. Sometimes it can be hard to hear but a child has a right to understand from where they came and who were instrumental people in their life.

• Tell stories about the family. Perhaps there are funny situations that occurred when you were a child. Children love to store these stories in their memory and overtime they become special family memories.

• Talking about how you grew up and the differences in today’s world is also helpful.  Here you discuss the differences on a generational basis. It helps the child put themselves in a context.

• When subjects come up such as Anzac Day, do you have family stories to tell? Cultural traditions are important to talk about in families.

• When giving your child an affirming message, ensure that you talk more about the quality observed in your child.

“I was so impressed when you helped your brother cross the street. You have a generous streak in you”.

Here you are reminding them of their generosity which highlights a quality of the child.

You are also building up images of what you see in the child. This helps them develop an image of themselves. This is all about building up their identity.

• Write little notes to them from time to time highlighting noticeable qualities that you have observed.

• If you have precious family heirlooms use these objects as a chance to talk about family history. Old family photos are a great resource here.

As a parent, you have a privileged role in guiding your child into self awareness. There will come a time when the child takes ownership of who they are, but until then, be the gentle hand leading your child into a world where they feel valued, loved and confident. So much of this comes from your mature reassurance.

Getting away from the school holiday blues.

As you approach the end of the Summer holidays, so many thoughts go through the parent’s mind. School is, of course, a big component as getting your child ready requires preparations - uniforms, classroom materials, setting up weekly routines about pickups, etc.

Your child is also reflecting on the new class structure, building a new relationship with the teacher and how they will fit into the culture of the classroom.

Any wonder that anxiety about these big changes gradually creeps into the last few weeks of holidays.

Change is definitely afoot! There will be a change for both the parents and the child. Perhaps work situations may be changing for the parents as well. Each year presents new challenges. The child is older, parenting is getting ready for change and the family structure may be altering in some way. Nothing remains constant.

Here are a few ideas in making the transition to the new school year a smooth one, where all members of the family feel satisfied.

Is your child feeling a little anxiety about going to school?

• Start with a general family meeting and together list all the various activities that need to be done before the new year routine begins in earnest. In this list talk about who takes responsibility for different activities across the remaining holiday weeks. Ensure that your child is a contributor to this discussion.

• Using a diary or checklist, record when you will complete certain tasks and tick them off as time goes.

• Continue to enjoy the remaining time you have with holidays, but graduate back to normal routines. For example, bedtimes could include reading in bed.

• Encourage the child to set up their room ready for school and check off when you have everything in place such as a new school bag, books, pencils etc. Discuss with your child any changes they may wish to make to their room or the set up of the house in order to make this year at school run smoothly.

• As a family reflect on the previous year and invite suggestions as to how this year can run more smoothly. What factors complicated our year and how can we avoid the same problems developing? Also discuss the success aspects to last year’s routines.

• Start to introduce days that are not so long for the child. This encourages the child to develop the pattern of school hours. It is also about setting more controlled boundaries which are not the case in the Summer holidays.

• Ensure your child has plenty of sleep in the last stage of the holidays. This will help them cope with the early anxieties of starting school.

• Talk about relationships that will develop in the class. Often children worry if friends are not included in their new classroom. Talk about the value of meeting new classmates and making new friends.

• If possible, arrange some play dates with children from your child’s new class group.

Remember that you the parent is also considered in planning for the new year. Consider your workload and capacity to take on new projects. Your ability to cope throughout the year is directly related to your general happiness. Are you putting in place positive support for yourself?

This final point is an important catalyst for the success of the year.

“If mama isn’t happy no one is!   Summer is over.
Time to officially remember what day of the week it is.”

Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Teach your child to recognise their strengths

Do you have any idea of all your strengths and unique capabilities?  My guess is that you have a reasonably broad understanding and are quite comfortable with some of your qualities but we all can be a little frayed at the edges when it comes to announcing our significant strengths. This is the same with children.  Often a child’s slowly evolving self-confidence can give them doubts about their capabilities.

It is, therefore, necessary to articulate them loud and clear to your child. The sooner they recognise in themselves their strengths, the sooner they begin to use them to their natural advantage regularly. Once recognised and reinforced over and over again, the greater chance they retain it.

One obvious area in which most parents talk to their children about strengths is sport. Perhaps they are excellent runners or skilled in swimming. Sport is an area where parents feel very comfortable in supporting and recognising in detail their children’s strengths. This is often supported by the coaching teams etc. Sport is a comfortable and easy area in which to discuss a child’s strengths.

What we are not so good at is articulating emotional strengths or general life strengths.  We often neglect to recognise them as capabilities that need to be acknowledged. For example, perhaps your child is very compassionate to others. Perhaps they are quick to resolve crisis amongst other children. Notice for example, how effective your child is at calming someone who is unwell. They may be exceptional listeners. Is your child displaying a lot of self-discipline? Perhaps they are to be congratulated for their organisational skills.

All of the above is about developing important life skills. By recognising them and talking to your child about them as strengths, the child comes to identify them as valuable tools to use in life. It also adds to their happiness level, as they start to feel good about themselves doing good in different ways.

“I notice that you are such a tidy person. You like order and this is one of your great gifts”.

The child now knows that being tidy is recognised as a strength and should be valued. Before articulating this, the child may just see tidiness as a habit.

You can start affirming and articulating these strengths from an early age.

“I love the way you play with other children. You are so fair and share all the time.”

What a positive strength it is to develop fairness and compassion at an early age.

As a parent consider these tips following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

In working with children, I was always conscious to remind myself of the gifts and strengths of the child with whom I was working. They may have been great sportspeople, or noted for their great sense of humour. It was my goal to keep their strengths in mind when talking to them. Sometimes I could use their strengths to reinforce our conversation together. Teachers would frequently acknowledge children’s strengths in the classroom. The more they reinforced their strengths, the deeper the awareness grew for the child. It is all about developing automatic responses in using strengths throughout life.

As a parent consider the following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

• At mealtime talk about strengths that you have noticed in your child that day. Sometimes just writing a note to them and leaving it in their bedroom is a wonderful spontaneous reminder.

“What a gentle person you are. Today I saw how caring you were to your sister.”

• When having drive time together, talk to your child about how you admire their strengths. List them. Remind them of special strengths that are noticeable in your child.

• Discuss people that your child knows, who visibly demonstrate their strengths. What do they like about them?

• If there are two parents living in the family home, talking about your partners’ strengths and what attracted you to them is an excellent way to discuss the impact of such things in life.

This article is primarily reminding us that we need to specifically talk about our child’s strengths. Naming and labelling these strengths help to condition the child into recognising them as important valuable life skills they are progressively developing throughout their childhood.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise and capable beings. Only then can we play along in their world.”

— VinceGowman.com

Letting your child try new experiences.

Are we adventurous parents? Do we like trying new ideas and stretching our own imagination when it comes to changing directions, stepping outside our comfort zones.

This is worth a thought before we discuss this article which is all about allowing your child to step outside their own comfort zones and try new experiences.

As parents, we are quite conservative and we work to ensure that our child is safe and secure. We also tailor many of the activities to suit our child. Responsible parents put things in place to ensure that their child is given every opportunity to grow and prosper as a healthy child.

Sometimes we forget that allowing our child to try new things is also important for their growth. The more they demonstrate initiative and we affirm them, the greater the chance that they will develop into risk-takers who look for alternative ways to be and to do things.

Teaching our children that experimenting with new ideas and concepts can come from our own modelling.

For example, you may have a routine way of getting home in the car. Perhaps you change that route to test out a quicker way.

As parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.

Are you adventurous in cooking and try new recipes? Do you occasionally listen to more modern music to get a feel for difference? Whatever you try on for size, talk to your child about how you enjoy trialling and experimenting with new ideas.

Once you notice that your child is interested in trying a new food, reading different genre in books, a new look in clothes etc. affirm these efforts. Let them know that trying new experiences will lead to a positive change in thinking.

“Well done. You tasted kiwi fruit this weekend. What do you think?”

In the classroom despite fairly rigid routine in the day, teachers will from time to time show spontaneity and suggest that everyone experiments with a new concept. For example, one creative teacher I knew would occasionally ask the children to write with their other hand for an hour. She would also ask them to play ball using the other hand. Here she was trying to take them out of their comfort zones and challenge the brain to think differently.  Trying on new concepts, ideas or even attitudes to life is exercising the brain in a different way. The more comfortable ad familiar we are with what we do, the less we exercise creative thinking.

The other important learning aspect of trying on new ideas etc. is that the child starts to evaluate at a deeper level. They question, reflect and rethink their understandings gaining more confidence in their decisions. Sometimes trying on new things sends them rushing back to what they know. This is fine. The mere fact that they are prepared to explore new options puts them on a more intellectual plane and helps them improve judgements.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Trying something new can only lead to change or more of the same. It is the exploration that is important.

• Trying on new values can be challenging for all the family but children will come across different values all their life. Allowing them to explore different values within reason is very positive parenting.

• Always affirm the fact that they value difference and enjoy exploring it.

• Look for opportunities to put forward giving them a chance to try something new.

• Talk about people you value that enjoy trialling new ideas.

• Encourage your child to be creative as this will stimulate desires to see and value difference.

• Trust in the process of trying on new things. It can only lead to new thinking.

• Take care that if you suggest a child trying on something new be careful not to criticise if you are not happy with their response.

Finally, as parents we act responsibly and carefully managing our children. Sometimes stepping out of the mould can be a great driver for children to see the value of difference.

“Never be afraid to try something new, because life gets boring when you stay within the limits”

HPLYRIKZ.COM

Little by little let them grow freer and more independent

This can be difficult to know when and how to allow more independence in your child. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that from the minute they are born, we are working towards making them independent from you, the parent! Some parents come to this realisation earlier than others. I would say the earlier we recognise how we are helping our children by supporting independent steps, the better and easier it becomes to incrementally allow independent steps. Just think about when your child learnt to walk. You were there and shared in the joy. This was their attempt to stand up independently and walk. As they get older it becomes a little more difficult to give them independence when it involves risk.

This article suggests that we keep in our mind that inviting our children to take small steps to independence, becomes a way of life for you, the parent and the child. Once we establish in our minds that the more they work towards being independent, the greater capabilities they develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. This means a reduction of control for us, but in another way, you are teaching your child how to be a capable independent soul.

You may say that this creates worry for you, the parent. I would argue that there is constant worry when we try to be in control of everything. In fact, we become quite anxious when we lose control, which will naturally happen as time passes. We cannot be in the presence of our children exerting control all the time. Also we should not aim to attend to every detail to ensure we are managing the situation just the way we like it.

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

Teachers give children small, incremental opportunities to show independence. This can happen through work demands or social demands. They are cautious with parents to ensure that when a child shows initiative of a new nature, let us say a little riskier, they will tell the parent in positive tones. Teachers will also recognise very quickly in their classroom those children who come from a home where the child is expected to take on roles and to show independence in family activities.

By giving your child incremental bouts of being independent, you are saying to your child that you trust them. Total control demonstrates having no faith in the child’s abilities.

Consider in this formula of gradually letting your child grow into independence, you are expecting them from time to time to take a dive. This is natural and this is where your talents and skills come into the story. You are there to listen and recommend options and dust them down when they are feeling bruised and sore from their fall. Afterall every childhood has its ups and downs.

You are there to also affirm their efforts and talk about how they showed initiative in “having a go” on their own. How helpful and useful a role you now take on. A much more effective position as a parent than trying to solve everything for them. The child here does no independent thinking and takes no ownership of problems. In fact, they don’t see problems as they are taken from them.

Here are a few quick tips on becoming a more relaxed parent and drip feeding your child with independent strategies.

• Notice first your child’s strengths. These are good starters for giving some more independence to your child. 

“I can see how well you fold clothes. Could you fold those clothes on the bench for me? Thanks.”

“I like the way you manage money. Could you pay the cashier with this money? Thankyou.”

• Gradually take stock of areas in which your child is less secure and begin some support for building their confidence in acting independently.

“Rather than me explain to the teacher why you were away today I would like you to tell her when we go to school tomorrow.” This is all about helping a shy child articulate themselves to the teacher.

• When your child has genuinely “had a go” and continues to be unsuccessful, sit down together and write down optional ways to “have a go.” At no point do you take over the problem.

• As a family, talk about family activities or routines where jobs can be shared. Together discuss how they went for everybody. Were the jobs a good distribution for all family members?

• Were some jobs too much? Do we need to redefine the jobs? Are there more difficult jobs now to share?

In working with children who may be dealing with some issues it was important to listen to their attempts in solving the problem. Without that component to the discussion there was no joint discussion. It would be just instructional and who listen to just instructions messages?

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

“Children learn to manage, control and even overcome their fears by taking risks.”

—  A.Hans.com

Letting the village teach your child

Have we ever thought about from where our children actually do their learning? An interesting thought as we immediately consider the formal learning that schools provide for their students. It has often been said that parents are the first educators of the child and this makes sense when you consider the tight bond and relationship that starts up after birth.

What is sometimes understated is the amazing influence that the community and extended family have in teaching the child. We cannot calculate how this works, nor are we certain as to how much knowledge the child will gain from connecting to the wider village.

Children need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

However, external sources play an important role in educating our children. Call it education on the run. A child listens and learns in various ways. Some people may impress them more than others and some people are just interesting to be around. Occasional words about sport, historical events, local issues etc., are all part of the snippets of information a child acquires in life. Also consider that they can learn socially and emotionally from observing how adults interact, what they say to each other and how they operate in public. Children will store such information and interpret it in their own way, when they experiment in dealing with other people. For example, how does your family interact with the elderly? If the child is fortunate to have extended family then they learn many valuable lessons from the wise, older groups.

However, the village concept has broken down in modern society and children cannot roam around idly picking up information. With this in mind, many of our children’s contacts are contrived and the child has less spontaneous opportunities to learn from different groups of people.

Teachers, in planning their curriculum, are always looking for opportunities to go out of the school on excursions, so that children can engage with the real world and learn new ways of being and doing. Parents alone cannot provide the rich breadth of learning that comes from broader society. Also, there are some social anxieties about letting other people into the life of the child. I am not even sure what they are actually fearful of? Are we fearful of others who come from different circles in life, or who present a different set of opinions? I aware that safety issues do carry a major concern in today’s world and this has caused some anxiety with parents.

However, extreme control denies the child their right to learn about difference and interpret for themselves how the world spins. They also need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

Here are some practical suggestions to encourage the presence of the village in the life of the child.

• When you go shopping invite your child to negotiate with the shopkeeper and discuss products, value for money etc. Such dialogue is inviting your child to see how different aspects of commerce works.

• Take your child on excursions where they actually engage with people displaying real skills. A trip to the market is a good start.

• Visiting elderly is important. If not in your own family circle but through other agencies etc. A child learns so much from the aged.

• A child can learn so much about cultures if they are exposed to people from different backgrounds. Check out various cultural festivals and take your child to enjoy the food, music and people at these festivals.  Take your child to culturally specific shopping centres to smell and taste different foods, hear unfamiliar languages being spoken.

• Think about you neighbours. Are they young or old? Do they have interesting lives to talk to your children? I often think of some old couples from Italy who generously bake extra pastries etc. to give to the families in the street. These children have learnt a lot about old traditions and cultural variations by simply having local people around them that come from a different set of experiences.

• Encourage your children to engage with all variance of children in their class. Teach them that being exclusive in friendships is not as adventurous as meeting and learning about other children from different experiences. A school environment is an excellent set up to learn about the broad nature of the village.

• When your child has a play date at another family home, they are exposed to different family structures, behaviours, etc. This is another way of learning about how families work.

• Caution and responsible checking by parents is necessary, but it should not be so constrictive that a child is only exposed to things that are familiar. Difference is what makes the world so interesting.

• Show your children how you welcome into your life people and experiences that take you out of your comfort zones. Demonstrate how you learn surprisingly different experiences by being inclusive not exclusive.

• Draw to your child’s attention all the differences with their teachers as they all come from various aspects of life and demonstrate different styles of teaching.

• If you move house there is a whole new learning about the environment in which you now live. Explore it with your child.

• Are there interesting family members who have wonderful family stories of the past. Children need to learn lessons from the past to understand their present time.

The African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child” is so needed in our modern society where self-sufficiency and independence are sought. Sadly, there are many examples of isolation and loneliness in our society built around striving for personal dreams. Perhaps we need to start thinking about collective dreams, collaborating with others and recognising that we grow and learn through cooperation and teamship. This recipe of respecting and valuing others’ opinions, enjoying the difference and constantly looking for and checking into the village in our life, becomes so nourishing for the soul.

Having a healthy attachment to your child

From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

• Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.

• Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it?  Being proactive is important.

• Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.

• You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.

• Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.

• When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.

• Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right.  Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill

Do we accept what parenting brings us?

Do we all want perfect children? I am not quite sure what that is “perfect”. In fact I would question any parent who says that their life as a parent is perfect and their children give them a perfect ride.

Life isn’t like that and the child will naturally want to grow and develop in ways that at times causes us some tension and stretches our imagination. Children are growing up in a different world to their parents and are being exposed to many and varied differences, not the least of which is technology driven.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

As a young parent we have expectations that we will be the best parent we can possibly be. I would say to this that you probably are but the unknown is how the child grows and how they manage their challenges in their world. How will they challenge us? How do we meet those challenges head on, or gradually work with them in consultative ways? These are the big questions.

In working with families, it was not uncommon to hear parents talk about the unacceptable challenges that were put in front of them. They had no expectations that parenting would challenge their values, their thinking, put them in uncomfortable positions and more importantly force them to operate in ways that they thought impossible. They were feeling uncomfortable.

Their whole world could be turned on its head by children’s behaviour and attitudes to life. Parents can also look around and find that parenting for others seems easier.

Here I say what a wonderful challenge for you, the parent, to be given the opportunity to think differently and to work closely with your child through their shifting world. Parenting should change and adapt to the growing needs of the child. It is not static and will demand the parent reflect on their values and ideas and at least consider different ways of looking at life.

Teachers can see from time to time the fatigue of parents in trying to understand their child’s behaviour or school performance. It was not uncommon as Principal to support teachers in their supporting of parents struggling with their child’s lack of achievements.

The question I pose here is, whether as a parent we become unhappy when the child’s behaviour is not what we expect. Are we expecting standards that suit us? Are we wanting them to operate like us?

Here are some thoughts on how to accept that parenting will surprise us and ultimately delight us.

• Take care to enjoy the differences you notice in your child. Often, we look for the similarities in our children and reward them. I was good at Maths and so I expect you to be as well.

• Be prepared to be surprised. This should be a regular feeling. Enjoy the moment and comment on the surprise.

“Wow. I am so impressed that you choose such different colours to wear out.”

• Talk about how you love the differences that you notice in your child. This gives the child a feeling that they can express themselves comfortably around you.

• As a family, talk about how everyone is different and how those differences make a wonderful family tapestry, rich in difference and woven with unique story and experiences.

• If there are behaviours etc., that you do not like and have reason to talk about them, do it in such a way that you are not stifling their right to see things differently.

“I would like to talk about those clothes you are choosing to wear to the beach. I have some concerns about their suitability. Perhaps let’s start by telling me why you think they are suitable.”

Here you are not condemning their ideas in fact you are demonstrating an interest in listening to their reasoning. Even if after negotiation the child will need to change their clothes, affirm the fact that they are developing their own style and this is a good thing. Include at least one aspect of their dress choice to show you value their opinion. Perhaps you could go shopping to learn more about what they like.

If the child realises that you value their opinions, they are less likely to be reactive to your opinions and values.

If parenting seems to bring less stress to other families from your observations, do not make comparisons especially verbally to your child. Your journey is unique to you and the child. Sometimes parents feel that they are burdened with more difficult children. Every family has their challenges.

Children will also compare if you are very visible and verbal about your burdened parenting. In working with children, I have heard them wish to be in another family so they can be like them. Be proud of the uniqueness of your own family.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

“There are two things a parent should give a child.

One is roots, the other is wings.”

— Author unknown