Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Be alert to trauma in children

Every childhood experience has an impact on the body and mind. Some more lasting and meaningful impact than others.

Sometimes due to circumstances that may be out of your control as parents, a child may experience severe trauma. This could take the form of a divorce in the family, death of a parent or grandparent, accident etc. This article is not about discussing the nature of the trauma, it is about understanding one important aspect of managing the trauma. Once trauma occurs, a child may have difficulties coping in a range of areas which may surprise parents.

Many children experience trauma. What can we do to help them recover?

Their brain is busy coping with the experience and as such, the child’s ability to learn at the normal pace, socialise effectively and respond to life generally will have its limitations. It is as though their whole world is dulled.  Sometimes when family trauma happens, parents can worry about their child’s school performance and inability to show interest in sport etc. What we say here is that it is quite acceptable to allow a child the emotional space to recover from the trauma. We need to accept that performance will naturally drop off considerably for a while. It is important to let this happen so that the child can recover from the shock and get back all their resources slowly. Take care not to place too many expectations on them during this recovery phase.

This article is simply to remind us that when a child has such an experience, they need space from what they normally engage in so that they can recover in the time their body and mind demands.

I have seen children stop reading after trauma occurs.  I, myself stopped reading at the age of seven when my parents divorced.

Children can also slow down their speech, hear words but not comprehend what is said. I have also seen children needing much more sleep, stuttering and losing their skills and interest in formal games. Younger children sometimes bed wet etc. Their resilience to others deteriorates. This is just a short list of how trauma can manifest itself in a child’s behaviour. If this happens to your child, be prepared to allow them the space and time to process the trauma. Understand that providing a climate where they can simply ‘be’ without pressure is the best healing space for them. With sensitive support and strong nurture, the child recovers. The brain is an extraordinary muscle. It does go into overload when trauma happens and shutting down in certain areas is a way for the brain to rest, regroup and prepare to heal. This article is just to remind parents that allowing a child that space is critical for effective recovery. It is not a time to work to improve performance or increase workload to keep up to standard.

For parents it is a time to respect and appreciate the child’s recovery time which will vary in length from child to child.  

“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not however have to be a life sentence.”

— Peter A Levine

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

It's just sibling business.

How often do you wonder when and if to interfere when siblings get angry with each other. Most parents try to settle the affairs with the best of intentions but sometimes, is it necessary to interfere?

Let us remind ourselves that all our children are significantly different in temperament, attitude to life, capacity to solve issues etc. No child develops in exactly the same way as each other.

Another compounding issue to create difference is the order of the sibling. Generally first children are more cautious, second children are more robust and by the time you get to third and fourth, they develop considerable survival and resilience skills, as parents treat them with considerable experience and more ease.

Teachers are always commenting on how different children in the same family learn and how they process information differently.

Here I say, let's celebrate the difference rather than feel the frustration of managing them!

When should we step into our children’s arguments and when shouldn’t we?

When they choose to fight consider the following:

• Is this issue worth my involvement?

• Is the conflict causing considerable distress to one of the children?

• Is there bullying of a younger sibling?

• Are their disagreements frequent or just occasional differences which are quite normal.

• Is it always about the same issue?

Once you establish whether you consider your involvement necessary, take care to:

• Talk to both children at separate times in a calm situation.

• Listen with fairness.

When the behaviour is understood suggest that some compromises should be made by both parties.

• Affirm the children for being prepared to calmly negotiate.

• Agree to check in later to see if that angry feeling still exists in some form.

By doing these steps you are further teaching the child, the art of negotiation without coming up with solutions yourself (these generally never work well!).

When working with children, I was very conscious to consider their individuality and not to refer to their siblings specifically. Every child needs to have that sense of personal space to discuss their own emotional needs and to feel valued for who they are as individuals. This would mean that how you supported that child could be quite different for their siblings

Sometimes anger in the family unit between siblings is all about seeking the upper hand with attention. Recognising and affirming their differences is the best way to overcome their feeling of inferiority in a family. It is quite natural for the child to have feelings of doubt and insecurity. Your task is to reassure and value them for who they are with all its uniqueness.

It is also a realistic fact that families are complex settings with growing children, edging for attention, busy parents listening on the run and busy school weeks with high demands throughout.

Here are a few checks to help keep the family setting as calm and steady as possible:

• Check in with the children once a week about issues that have caused them to be angry with each other.

• Applaud efforts where a child shows a strong ability to negotiate with another sibling.

• Play family games such as monopoly, pick up sticks etc.

• Take care not to react too quickly when angry scenes occur. Take your time and in a calm setting, start the conversation.

• Watch your communication with children ensuring that no one child is seen in a disadvantaged light to the other in the way you use language.

Above all, see the situation as resolvable and recognise that it will pass. Therefore, keep everything in proportion and move on from the situation quickly. Certainly, your child will move on quickly as all children generally do with unsettled sibling behaviour.

Take care to avoid inappropriate use of punishment.

This is a precautionary word about the use of ineffective punishment at home.

I appreciate that when we get disappointed and angry with unacceptable behaviour, we can be quite reactive in disciplining children. Our response to our child often comes from your own experience in being reared and also your perception on life, timing, tiredness, etc.

When we see disappointing and unacceptable behaviour, it is natural to be unsettled and feel the desire to set the child on the right track. Sometimes, in anger we set punishments that are disproportionate and simply over reactive. It is incorrect to think that the more severe consequences, the greater likelihood the behaviour will change. In fact, the reverse often happens which causes the parent to spiral further down in frustration.

Remember that when we see behaviour that is unacceptable, we need to primarily find the drivers that led to that behaviour. This is best done through active listening which I have mentioned in many articles.

Once the active listening uncovers the real reason for the behaviour , the parent is in a better situation to understand, have less reaction time and begin to talk through the issue.

Here are some very obvious reasons why over reactive inappropriate punishment can lead to further disengagement with your child:

How much punishment is too much punishment?

•  Children learn quickly what to say to parents who over react. They develop a 'sixth sense' to protect themselves and this will involve further poor behaviour.

• Avoidance becomes a way of life for a child who feels that understanding is low in a parent and consequences for behavior are profound. They become 'street smart' around their parents which will involve spending less quality time with the parent.

• Another tactic used by children is to water down the truth, create alternative stories to what really happened for fear of consequences. A child can become quite skilled in diverting the truth when fearful of parental reaction.

• A child will gravitate around someone that listens and places no judgement on them. If they feel that they cannot get effective listening from parents they will seek out others with which to discuss their problems. Such company may not be the best for the child but they will seek reassurance.

• A child who hides the truth for fear of consequences actually becomes very sad. This can lead to further emotional complications over time.

 The following are suggestions to keep your child engaged with you despite inappropriate behavior.

• ·Let them know that you can be trusted. You will listen and plan to understand before setting consequences and they will be actively involved in setting those consequences.

• As a family talk about how important it is to be truthful and give examples of how this leads to better outcomes.

• Know your tolerance levels. If you have low tolerance for certain behavior, are you the best parent to deal with that matter?

• It is also useful to talk about mistakes you made as a child and how it was dealt with in your childhood. If it was poorly managed, stress how you want to avoid repeating this pattern with your child. If the management was helpful and positive to you the child, discuss how you want to emulate such parenting.

• Take care not to discuss how other parents manage discipline. Children reflect on your thoughts about such matters.

• When discussing matters that are emotive and could lead to consequences, ensure that you are talking to them in a safe place and not a public venue. Children need space to process what is being said to them. It also shows respect for their privacy. It is best to say:

“We need to discuss what just happened. When we are at home we can talk further about the matter.”

• Remember that your child will gravitate around the parent that shows warmth, authenticity and fairness. Giving consequences is generally acceptable to children, if it is done with both parent and child understanding its purpose and equally being engaged in the process.

• Once consequences are given, move on quickly with no reference to earlier situations.

• Keep everything in proportion. After all, you are dealing with children's behavior. They are gradually developing their sense of reason and will be looking to the parent for encouragement along the way. Understand that making mistakes is an opportunity to grow.

The child you understand at six years of age will be quite different at nine or twelve. Allow them time to process their behaviour and understand it in the context of their life.

“In my world there are No Bad Kids.
Just impressionable, conflicted young people, wrestling with emotions and impulses
Trying to communicate their feelings and needs the only way they know how.”

— Angela Lansbury

Setting realistic expectations.

How often do you find yourself feeling frustrated with your child because they did not listen to you? Perhaps you are feeling that they are just ignoring your directions and treating you indifferently. When a child’s behaviour indicates that they are not responding to your directions, it may be time to check in with your child to see if they understand your demands. Sometimes the problem lies in the instructions given, not the child’s response.

Keep in mind the age if your child. When a child is approximately five they are still developing the ability to interpret feelings such as happiness, sadness anger etc. If you are instructing a child of that age consider the following:

Do you feel like your children don’t listen to you?

• Keep your instructions down to one sentence. Maybe one or two simple directions.

“Put the milk on the table and pass the bread”.

Often children cannot process more than two instructions at that age.

• Check your tone of voice and speed of talking. Keep it even and non threatening as young children can easily switch off if feeling anxious.

It was quite common in school to hear a child say the teacher was yelling when in fact they had simply switched off to what was being said. It just became too hard for them to comprehend.

•  Use uncomplicated language. The simpler the better for young children.

•  Always talk with a sense of valuing the child and of being grateful.

“Thanks, can you put the glass on the table. It will help me clean up.”

If the child is older, their ability to reason is still developing slowly and in order to get the best response in setting expectations consider:

• Talk with clarity giving no mixed messages in the instructions.

• Take care to place no inuendo, sarcasm or adult humour in the instructions.

• Keep in mind the child’s ability to process several instructions at once. For some children improved processing takes some time.

• Always affirm when the instructions have been even attempted.

“Thanks for doing some of the dishes. I was hoping you could also put them away.”

• Be proactive. If you need to instruct your child, do it at the best possible time when there are least distractions around. Try using this sentence as a starter to get their attention:

“I need to ask you to do something for me OK……….”

It’s about preparing the ground and giving the child a chance to really hear the instructions.

• Where possible in the instructions, include some aspect of how it will make a difference to you:

“Can you please put the groceries in the fridge as this will save me time when preparing dinner.”

Take care that a fair and reasonable amount of instructions are given, age appropriate and within reason of their capabilities.

When working with children it was always important to reflect on their age and their known response to questioning.

Instructing children to do tasks brings with it some mild anxiety with some children especially younger ones as they are always wondering if their efforts will be correct, understood and most importantly valued. Some children are keen to please and will act quickly on your instructions. Others are slower and more protracted in following instructions. The key here is to know your child’s ability to respond, respecting the differences in your children.

Set a good example by demonstrating how you respond to directions, perhaps at work and talk about the challenges you sometimes find in them.

Remember, giving instructions should come with success for both parties. This sometimes may require some negotiation as well.

 And finally, it is never about using power to win the day.

Parenting differently

Parents often begin to notice differences in themselves when it comes time to being a parent and managing their children.

This is so normal. Both parents will have had different sets of rearing in their own life. Some may have seen a firm father who dealt with the discipline in an authoritative way. Others may have seen a gentle more relaxed father, who was easy to talk to about problems.

Often ethnicity of the parent will strongly influence their rearing style.

Also parents may have been the first second or third siblings which would of course influenced how they were reared. An only child had quite a different experience with rearing.

It was quite common when working with families to hear them comment on how different their rearing had been and how this fact had strongly influenced their management of children. It was often only realised after they had children.

No surprises that, this can cause tension in a family. After all, once children are on the scene, how you relate to your spouse changes and how much quality time you have for your relationship also alters. Resentment can build if a parent becomes dissatisfied with their overall capacity to manage the family, or if they feel support is not apparent.

Let me reassure you that it is normal to have come from different sets of families and we should be grateful for the difference and see it as a strength not a weakness.

Children are very wise in determining which parent will listen and be sympathetic to their needs. They will naturally gravitate around that person in times of need. However, children need the richness of both parent’s style of management and background. From time to time they should be engaging with both parents on important matters rather than gravitating around the one that is more compliant.

Here are a few tips on how to work with children whilst accepting different styles in parenting.

• Be open with your child. Tell them that sometimes mummy understands things well and other times dad is better at discussing concerns.\

• Be authentic. Your child will quickly work out your limits in coping with situations.

• Use family time to talk about how you were both reared. This gives the child an understanding of how you learnt about parenting and what presses your buttons.

• Ensure that from to time you illustrate how the other parent is important in working through issues.

Both parents on a common front do need to be effective listeners to their children. However, it is quite reasonable to say after listening:

“It sounds like that is quite a problem for you. Mum would have a very good understanding of how to support you in that area. Let’s talk to her.”

Here you are listening and recognising the better support for your child. It is worthwhile showing the child that you are a united front in listening to the child. No matter what your style, without the skill of listening, where the child feels valued and heard, nothing more will work.

If a child discusses issues with both of you, remember that helping the child to negotiate through a problem is the best option.

“I am not sure what the best option is. Together let’s brainstorm some solutions”.

When it comes to managing poor behaviour, consider your tiredness and suitability to manage the issue. Sometimes if a child has repeated poor behaviour, consider the other parent working through the issue with your child. Sometimes a parent just needs respite from handling repetitive difficult situations.

“I am really finding it difficult to help you at the moment, let’s talk to dad about that.”

As a family, discuss family issues together. This teaches the child that although there may be different opinions you all work together on matters and respect everyone’s position.

“Let’s talk about dinner time. Everyone needs to help and so far mum is doing all the work. I am sure we can find a way forward.”

In schools, some parents at the beginning of each year would become anxious about the new personality or style of teacher. Perhaps they would not suit their child. After all their child has accustomed themselves to the previous teacher.

The fact that the child was learning about how adults operate differently was in fact a good thing. It challenged the child to respond to a new style of leadership in the best possible way. They were exercising their mind to work differently with a new teacher who would have their own style of responding to different situations.

Similarly, parenting styles if different and handled with care can benefit a child in recognising how to work differently with people and to respect various opinions and approaches all driven by their own experience.

Setting the limits.

This can be a tricky one for some families. Where and what constitutes limits? How do I manage setting limits that are different from other families? Can limits vary from situation to situation?

Let’s discuss why limits are important. They are necessary to give the child boundaries, so that they know exactly what they are dealing with and to give clear and accurate directions to your child.

If a child has no understanding of boundaries they cannot measure success, achievement and above all they have no awareness of what standards you have put in place. In most situations they do want to please and giving no direction only confuses them. As the parent children do expect such guidance. Imagine starting a job without a set of criteria and rules to govern how you work.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life. The boundaries you set may be different from other families. Your expectations, family circumstances etc. are unique to yourselves.

Of course there will be challenges. In fact, the challenges children give us in stretching limits are also a time for families to discuss their values and to adjust boundaries as they see children grow and cope with challenges. Setting limits is also very much about you in managing your parenting.  

Remember that setting boundaries gives you the parent, the ability to reflect on your own parenting. This may mean changing directions from time to time and being flexible when boundaries need adjustment as the child grows into different stages.

Consider the following thoughts when setting boundaries for children.

Every family should have a strong policy that setting boundaries is part of their family life.

·       Be clear in what you say. Keep the directions simple.

·       Set a boundary that is within reason for the age of the child.

“ You can play in the front yard but do not go beyond the gate”

“That party will be possible. However, I will pick you up at 10:00pm.”

Remember that a boundary should be natural and the consequences logical should the child go over the limits.

• Ensure that when you set a limit, it is fair and just. Also, it is most important that the child understands why you have set the limit.

• Keep in mind that from time to time, the limits set may change, especially if the child demonstrates an ability to honour the limit. Regular affirmation of the child is helpful when limits are honoured.

• Discuss as a family why setting limits is important to you the parent.  In the discussion, highlight how it helps you support their needs and at the same time supports your responsible parenting.

Teachers discuss limits intermittently throughout the day. They could not teach effectively without the ability to set limits. It could be regarding curriculum matters, discipline, setting goals, sport etc.

Children understand that setting limits gives them direction., strengthens self discipline and further builds cooperation between teacher and child. They have a better understanding of what is expected of them and they can assess how successful they were in the light of the limits and goals set.

No surprises that a child from time to time will challenge limits set and that family tension becomes a growth curve for parent and child.

It is a natural tension that if handled carefully and with respect of both parties, ensures that child and parent grow together.

“Caring for children is a dance between setting appropriate limits as caretakers and avoiding unnecessary power struggles that result in unhappiness.”

— Charlotte Sophia Kasi

Talking with care can become a lesson to the child around the school grounds

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you hear gossip around the traps. This can be unfortunately a common feature in school car parks and quite unsettling. No surprises that you see teachers and Principals smiling and engaging with everyone first thing in the morning and after school. School communities can be an environment that occasionally breeds unfortunate talk around the school grounds.

A child will easily pick up the tone of a conversation and interpret it in their own way.

This article reminds us that often when we engage in conversation that has negative undertones and can include conversation around other people, the child will easily pick up the tone of the conversation and interpret it in their own way. They will be curious about your thoughts and beliefs around the discussion and sometimes they will carry this into the classroom and with their relationships.

Remember children value, want and actually expect your approval of their school environment. They become confused when they hear negative talk around their teacher, school mates, school community etc. Children struggle to understand the full context of what an adult conversation is about, especially if it is had incidentally, and so they may only hear aspects that unsettle them. I recommend that when talking amongst other families on school premises, take care to talk positively and to later reinforce to your child the positive aspects of your conversation.

If you are unsettled about any information or discussion the child has overheard, reassure them that you always seek clarification with the teacher or Principal. Keep in mind that the school occupies a very big part of the life of the child and it needs to be emotionally a safe place in which to work and play. They need to keep a stable disposition around school to gain the very best from their education on various levels, social, emotional and intellectual. A child needs to feel that a parent trusts all aspects of school life and that this is demonstrated by how the parents engages with the school over the year.  Should unsettling conversations occur than a child understands the best approach that is taken by the parent is to be in touch with the school in which they have so much faith.

There are many lessons to be learnt in attending school and not all of them are in the classroom. One important lesson for our children is to understand how to be a community member and how to make positive connections to each other no matter how different or challenging they may be. They observe their parents as they model their behaviour around the school environment. The more a parent displays a positive disposition, especially when around negative conversation and engages with the school optimistically, the more trusting and confident the child will be when they come to engage with school in different ways.

“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve.”

— It's leadership. curiano.com

Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

Keeping an eye on the quiet child.

Do you have a quiet child? This refers to a child who generally takes a quiet stand on different matters. They may seem to be the child that sits and listens more or perhaps just responds to questions with one word answers. They may be the child that does not want to stand out in a crowd or appears happy to follow the others in various activities. In every classroom there will be those children who will not make their presence felt or who simply enjoy being part of a group in a non distinguishable way.

Many people are by nature quiet, shy or timid in their approach to communication with others. Whilst this is an acceptable trait, it is still worth monitoring children who appear exceptionally quiet or disinterested in engaging with others. There could be many reasons why remaining quiet and unnoticed is a preferred option for a child.

Whilst a child is developing intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially, this is the time to encourage them to be comfortable and confident in speaking out. A child needs to develop their voice, feel it is heard and gain success from people’s response. If a child remains too silent, they can build up resentment and feel frustrated that they are not achieving success like other children. They will also become conditioned into operating this way which becomes an accepted pattern of communicating where everyone around them adjusts to their silence.

It is also important to encourage the conversation as the child can become quite dependent on their silence which acts as a defence mechanism avoiding social issues etc. We need our children to deal with matters that arise using language with growing confidence.

In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.

In working with children, I was especially aware that in talking to the quiet child I needed to ask very open ended questions. I also needed to speak in a quiet and comforting voice that did not take on authority over the conversation. If at any point I spoke as though I was in charge of the conversation, it would clearly stop on the part of the child.

Here are a few tips on how to encourage the quiet child to use and strengthen their voice.

• When talking as a family unit, check in with the quiet child, asking questions that do not put them in any distress, especially when in front of other members of the family.

• Ask open ended questions, not closed ones. For example,

“When you were at school, today tell me some happy things that happened.”

• Some families have starter up sentences which they play as a family.

“Today I went to the park and ………

“I like breakfast because……

This can be turned into a fun activity. The principal here is to encourage longer responses to the statement.

• Affirm your child when they give you a sound explanation.

“Thanks for telling me that story. You explained it so well.”

• Writing stories and reading them out aloud is another way of a child hearing their voice and others responding to it, questioning and affirming.

• Take care not to dominate a conversation. This can be easily done as quiet children will simply let you keep on with the conversation.

No surprises when I say that excessive use of technology further limits their voice. Technology replaces their voice especially through the use of games.

In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.

What is really the truth for a child?

Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age.  A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.

When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.

Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.

Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed. 

•  When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.

 “Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.

•  As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?

•  Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.

•  When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did  you feel afterwards when it was all over?

•  If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.

 “I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”

When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.

Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.

In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:

 “I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone      concerned”.

This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.

 Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.

Some children demand more attention or perhaps just need more attention?

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

I have often wondered about this as we can easily see in classrooms how each child responds differently to the teacher.

There are many myths and stories around why this is so, but I have come to the conclusion that some children need more attention because it is simply part of their personality. It is often the case that if they over demand from parents, they often over demand equally from others in differing ways. Think about those adults you know who have a personality type that is more 'out there'. They are sometimes not great listeners and seem to have too much to say. This can be very off putting to the listener.

Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for a child demanding more attention. If the behaviour is extreme, this does need to be explored with various support groups such as teachers and counsellors. In this article I am referring to a child that has developed a style where they will over talk others in the family or generally set up behaviour to ensure that all eyes are on them!

Firstly, let us see the positive here. The child is keen to be actively engaged. This can be a good thing in moderation. Repeated bouts of behaviour that draw attention to themselves can be self destructive and the child is not learning the best ways to be effective as a communicator.

For these children, it is all about setting up conditions that give them the opportunity to have a voice and also to learn the benefits of listening to others.

This is a slow and steady process which does require trying to set up positive reinforcement for the child when they successfully change their behaviour. I suggest the following ideas may be helpful in working on conditioning some change in their behaviour so that they feel satisfied they are heard and learn to listen to others.

•  Set up a time when you sit and simply talk about the issue. Make sure you affirm their voice first.

  “I am very impressed that you want to be part of so many conversations. It can be tricky   when we all talk at once.”

•  Discuss how taking turns in talking is a positive thing to do. Discuss a simple plan to affirm your child when he practices slowing down and listening to others. Perhaps agree that if he listens well and waits you can give him extra time to talk at the end.

• Play games with the family. This is about sharing and waiting patiently for each person to have their say and their go.

Some parents have found it useful to promise extra chat time before bed when they demonstrated they could listen. I know one family who accumulated the time. For every time the child waited patiently, they added an extra few minutes onto night chats.

When working with children I have found that if you simply sit and listen with intent in an uninterrupted time, they feel quite satisfied. So much of our time in listening is done on the run. Active listening is so helpful for these children as you are gently repeating and reflecting back on what they have said. On so many occasions, children do not really think we are truly listening and just keep on with the negative attention seeking behaviour.

Don't forget to spontaneously celebrate when they actually slow down and listen.

 “Well Done. You listened to your brother so well. I am wondering what you want to say now?”

Watch your body language around these children. They are very aware that you are sensitive to their repeated calls for attention. If we appear very irritated the behaviour can actually escalate. Try and remain calm and gently remind them about how they are great talkers but need now to wait and listen.

As a family practise silence for a few minutes. Many schools use yoga or meditation to train children into enjoying and understanding silence. Some families have a minute silence before they all chat about their day or eat a meal.

Remember that attention seeking can be for many reasons. The above thoughts reflect helping a child feel reassured that their voice is strong and valued in the family. It can be understood by all in less pronounced ways with support.                           

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

Power games can be dangerous.

I have mentioned the use of power in a previous article. This time I discuss how power can be hidden in how we communicate. We may be perfectly innocent about using power, but still it can appear in our behaviour. Sometimes it would be true to say that a child looks for signs in the parent's behaviour that to them depict the use of power.

Let us not get confused with authority. As parents we have the responsibility to provide for our children and we have the authority to manage them. A child, as early as a preschooler comes to know how you operate as a  parent. They read the signs very well as they need to feel reassured that all is well with them and the parent. In fact, they are frequently checking in with us to see how they are going in your eyes.

These signs through our behaviour, need to be positive, clear and consistent. Giving the child mixed messages only makes them anxious and confused. This can be construed as the use of power. We all know how intermittent anxiety can be hard to live around. This is when we have no prediction of when another person will be reactive.

The following are suggestions to keep the behavioural messages clear to the child and free of building up anxiety in them.

• When you need to talk to a child about a matter speak calmly and with clarity. Often when a child is hearing about how they have done something wrong in class, they will often say that the teacher yells at them. There is something about anxiety and how you are spoken too which is important.

• Short sentences and breaks in between sentences helps children better process what you are saying to them.

• Always try not to be too emotive in how you communicate messages that could cause some distress.

• Check where you talk to a child about important matters. Busy shopping centres, noisy environments, crowded spaces etc will only make the child feel overwhelmed by the situation and powerless to respond.

 Remember to use the I statement

  “I am disappointed that you....”

 Also use the positive I statements as well to ensure balance in conversations.

         “I am very happy that you......”

Ensure that the child understands your purpose for the conversation. Never let them hover about unsure about the outcomes This is quite unsettling and can be seen as using power indirectly.

When talking to a child about a matter, remember to use good eye contact and listen with care when they respond. The child needs to feel that you are really listening to their response and that you value what they say. If you show little interest in their response then once again power is being used over the child.

Always follow up after matters have been resolved and affirm the child's efforts in working through situations.

The use of power over children eventually runs out as the child grows and realises the empty vessel that power has become. We need to be developing a positive influence on our children so that they come to us unimpeded by fear of consequences. We are also teaching them how to manage themselves without relying on the use of power.

In working with children, it was not uncommon for them to tell me which parents they would go to when a problem arose. No surprises it was the parents that listened and did not force their thinking onto them.

This article is about checking in on how your behaviour impacts on your child, keeping in mind that they are looking for reassurance rather than disapproval and incidental use of power.

Children gravitate around what is mentally safe for them. They seek it out. They intuitively search for love and will be comfortably in tune with parents that they emotionally trust and are predictable

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— Charles R Swindell

It’s important we don’t confuse authority with power. Here’s steps to help you work through issues without the use of ‘power’ and teach your child to do the same.

Search out opportunities where ever possible. Seize the moment!

Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.

What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.

 “Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”

 “I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”

In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.

The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.

 “I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”

Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.

In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.

Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth.  This is positive feedback.

It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well

Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.

Learning to deal with conflict

We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

 A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

• How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.

• Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.

  “I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways             together  to help this problem.”

  “I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”

  Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.

• When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1.      Stop and think.

2.      What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3.      If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4.      If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha

How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

Improvement and Achievement - where does it begin and end?

Have you noticed how praise is important on so many levels? We all need praise, no matter at what age! This blog is about understanding that we need to be quite specific when we praise. We need to  ensure that we know the purpose for praise and that we target it well.

“Well done on your test. All that preparation made a great difference. Bravo!”

In order to improve and to achieve, we need to feel reassured that our efforts are truly valued. We need reassurance. The more we target our praises, the closer the mark to giving the child an authentic acknowledgement, one which makes a real difference to the child!

“What a wonderful effort you made to clean the kitchen. All the items are away in their right spot. Thank you.”

By being specific, the child is aware that you are grateful for some particular task. It shows that you have clearly thought it through and that it has real value to you. By mentioning it clearly, it throws more evidence on the impression it has made on you.

By being authentic in your praise they understand that their achievement was sincerely based on your awareness of their deeds.

General praise such as “you're a good boy” has little value compared to “ what a good boy for opening the door as I have groceries in my hand.”

Improvement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds. Teachers are aware of this and in working with children they are extremely conscious to speak clearly and acknowledge their work as specifically as possible. 

In working with children myself, I observed that affirming with real definition, builds their sense of general self confidence.

“Thanks Mark for shutting the door quietly. It often jams.”

Here the child recognises that they supported your real concerns about the door! Incidental but effective affirmation. This sets the scene for a confident healthy discussion to follow. Reassurance builds on reassurance and success.

Keep in mind that through your example in praising and affirming well, the child is more inclined to model this in how they affirm others. It is all about giving the best example through our communication style.

mprovement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds.