Be alert to trauma in children

Every childhood experience has an impact on the body and mind. Some more lasting and meaningful impact than others.

Sometimes due to circumstances that may be out of your control as parents, a child may experience severe trauma. This could take the form of a divorce in the family, death of a parent or grandparent, accident etc. This article is not about discussing the nature of the trauma, it is about understanding one important aspect of managing the trauma. Once trauma occurs, a child may have difficulties coping in a range of areas which may surprise parents.

Many children experience trauma. What can we do to help them recover?

Their brain is busy coping with the experience and as such, the child’s ability to learn at the normal pace, socialise effectively and respond to life generally will have its limitations. It is as though their whole world is dulled.  Sometimes when family trauma happens, parents can worry about their child’s school performance and inability to show interest in sport etc. What we say here is that it is quite acceptable to allow a child the emotional space to recover from the trauma. We need to accept that performance will naturally drop off considerably for a while. It is important to let this happen so that the child can recover from the shock and get back all their resources slowly. Take care not to place too many expectations on them during this recovery phase.

This article is simply to remind us that when a child has such an experience, they need space from what they normally engage in so that they can recover in the time their body and mind demands.

I have seen children stop reading after trauma occurs.  I, myself stopped reading at the age of seven when my parents divorced.

Children can also slow down their speech, hear words but not comprehend what is said. I have also seen children needing much more sleep, stuttering and losing their skills and interest in formal games. Younger children sometimes bed wet etc. Their resilience to others deteriorates. This is just a short list of how trauma can manifest itself in a child’s behaviour. If this happens to your child, be prepared to allow them the space and time to process the trauma. Understand that providing a climate where they can simply ‘be’ without pressure is the best healing space for them. With sensitive support and strong nurture, the child recovers. The brain is an extraordinary muscle. It does go into overload when trauma happens and shutting down in certain areas is a way for the brain to rest, regroup and prepare to heal. This article is just to remind parents that allowing a child that space is critical for effective recovery. It is not a time to work to improve performance or increase workload to keep up to standard.

For parents it is a time to respect and appreciate the child’s recovery time which will vary in length from child to child.  

“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not however have to be a life sentence.”

— Peter A Levine

Little by little let them grow freer and more independent

This can be difficult to know when and how to allow more independence in your child. Firstly, let’s acknowledge that from the minute they are born, we are working towards making them independent from you, the parent! Some parents come to this realisation earlier than others. I would say the earlier we recognise how we are helping our children by supporting independent steps, the better and easier it becomes to incrementally allow independent steps. Just think about when your child learnt to walk. You were there and shared in the joy. This was their attempt to stand up independently and walk. As they get older it becomes a little more difficult to give them independence when it involves risk.

This article suggests that we keep in our mind that inviting our children to take small steps to independence, becomes a way of life for you, the parent and the child. Once we establish in our minds that the more they work towards being independent, the greater capabilities they develop intellectually, socially, emotionally and physically. This means a reduction of control for us, but in another way, you are teaching your child how to be a capable independent soul.

You may say that this creates worry for you, the parent. I would argue that there is constant worry when we try to be in control of everything. In fact, we become quite anxious when we lose control, which will naturally happen as time passes. We cannot be in the presence of our children exerting control all the time. Also we should not aim to attend to every detail to ensure we are managing the situation just the way we like it.

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

Teachers give children small, incremental opportunities to show independence. This can happen through work demands or social demands. They are cautious with parents to ensure that when a child shows initiative of a new nature, let us say a little riskier, they will tell the parent in positive tones. Teachers will also recognise very quickly in their classroom those children who come from a home where the child is expected to take on roles and to show independence in family activities.

By giving your child incremental bouts of being independent, you are saying to your child that you trust them. Total control demonstrates having no faith in the child’s abilities.

Consider in this formula of gradually letting your child grow into independence, you are expecting them from time to time to take a dive. This is natural and this is where your talents and skills come into the story. You are there to listen and recommend options and dust them down when they are feeling bruised and sore from their fall. Afterall every childhood has its ups and downs.

You are there to also affirm their efforts and talk about how they showed initiative in “having a go” on their own. How helpful and useful a role you now take on. A much more effective position as a parent than trying to solve everything for them. The child here does no independent thinking and takes no ownership of problems. In fact, they don’t see problems as they are taken from them.

Here are a few quick tips on becoming a more relaxed parent and drip feeding your child with independent strategies.

• Notice first your child’s strengths. These are good starters for giving some more independence to your child. 

“I can see how well you fold clothes. Could you fold those clothes on the bench for me? Thanks.”

“I like the way you manage money. Could you pay the cashier with this money? Thankyou.”

• Gradually take stock of areas in which your child is less secure and begin some support for building their confidence in acting independently.

“Rather than me explain to the teacher why you were away today I would like you to tell her when we go to school tomorrow.” This is all about helping a shy child articulate themselves to the teacher.

• When your child has genuinely “had a go” and continues to be unsuccessful, sit down together and write down optional ways to “have a go.” At no point do you take over the problem.

• As a family, talk about family activities or routines where jobs can be shared. Together discuss how they went for everybody. Were the jobs a good distribution for all family members?

• Were some jobs too much? Do we need to redefine the jobs? Are there more difficult jobs now to share?

In working with children who may be dealing with some issues it was important to listen to their attempts in solving the problem. Without that component to the discussion there was no joint discussion. It would be just instructional and who listen to just instructions messages?

Gradual injecting of independence into your child is all about building a strong confident young individual who likes themselves enough to take up opportunities, show creativity and live ultimately with emotional stamina.

“Children learn to manage, control and even overcome their fears by taking risks.”

—  A.Hans.com

Letting the village teach your child

Have we ever thought about from where our children actually do their learning? An interesting thought as we immediately consider the formal learning that schools provide for their students. It has often been said that parents are the first educators of the child and this makes sense when you consider the tight bond and relationship that starts up after birth.

What is sometimes understated is the amazing influence that the community and extended family have in teaching the child. We cannot calculate how this works, nor are we certain as to how much knowledge the child will gain from connecting to the wider village.

Children need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

However, external sources play an important role in educating our children. Call it education on the run. A child listens and learns in various ways. Some people may impress them more than others and some people are just interesting to be around. Occasional words about sport, historical events, local issues etc., are all part of the snippets of information a child acquires in life. Also consider that they can learn socially and emotionally from observing how adults interact, what they say to each other and how they operate in public. Children will store such information and interpret it in their own way, when they experiment in dealing with other people. For example, how does your family interact with the elderly? If the child is fortunate to have extended family then they learn many valuable lessons from the wise, older groups.

However, the village concept has broken down in modern society and children cannot roam around idly picking up information. With this in mind, many of our children’s contacts are contrived and the child has less spontaneous opportunities to learn from different groups of people.

Teachers, in planning their curriculum, are always looking for opportunities to go out of the school on excursions, so that children can engage with the real world and learn new ways of being and doing. Parents alone cannot provide the rich breadth of learning that comes from broader society. Also, there are some social anxieties about letting other people into the life of the child. I am not even sure what they are actually fearful of? Are we fearful of others who come from different circles in life, or who present a different set of opinions? I aware that safety issues do carry a major concern in today’s world and this has caused some anxiety with parents.

However, extreme control denies the child their right to learn about difference and interpret for themselves how the world spins. They also need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

Here are some practical suggestions to encourage the presence of the village in the life of the child.

• When you go shopping invite your child to negotiate with the shopkeeper and discuss products, value for money etc. Such dialogue is inviting your child to see how different aspects of commerce works.

• Take your child on excursions where they actually engage with people displaying real skills. A trip to the market is a good start.

• Visiting elderly is important. If not in your own family circle but through other agencies etc. A child learns so much from the aged.

• A child can learn so much about cultures if they are exposed to people from different backgrounds. Check out various cultural festivals and take your child to enjoy the food, music and people at these festivals.  Take your child to culturally specific shopping centres to smell and taste different foods, hear unfamiliar languages being spoken.

• Think about you neighbours. Are they young or old? Do they have interesting lives to talk to your children? I often think of some old couples from Italy who generously bake extra pastries etc. to give to the families in the street. These children have learnt a lot about old traditions and cultural variations by simply having local people around them that come from a different set of experiences.

• Encourage your children to engage with all variance of children in their class. Teach them that being exclusive in friendships is not as adventurous as meeting and learning about other children from different experiences. A school environment is an excellent set up to learn about the broad nature of the village.

• When your child has a play date at another family home, they are exposed to different family structures, behaviours, etc. This is another way of learning about how families work.

• Caution and responsible checking by parents is necessary, but it should not be so constrictive that a child is only exposed to things that are familiar. Difference is what makes the world so interesting.

• Show your children how you welcome into your life people and experiences that take you out of your comfort zones. Demonstrate how you learn surprisingly different experiences by being inclusive not exclusive.

• Draw to your child’s attention all the differences with their teachers as they all come from various aspects of life and demonstrate different styles of teaching.

• If you move house there is a whole new learning about the environment in which you now live. Explore it with your child.

• Are there interesting family members who have wonderful family stories of the past. Children need to learn lessons from the past to understand their present time.

The African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child” is so needed in our modern society where self-sufficiency and independence are sought. Sadly, there are many examples of isolation and loneliness in our society built around striving for personal dreams. Perhaps we need to start thinking about collective dreams, collaborating with others and recognising that we grow and learn through cooperation and teamship. This recipe of respecting and valuing others’ opinions, enjoying the difference and constantly looking for and checking into the village in our life, becomes so nourishing for the soul.

Having a healthy attachment to your child

From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

• Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.

• Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it?  Being proactive is important.

• Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.

• You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.

• Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.

• When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.

• Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right.  Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill

Do we accept what parenting brings us?

Do we all want perfect children? I am not quite sure what that is “perfect”. In fact I would question any parent who says that their life as a parent is perfect and their children give them a perfect ride.

Life isn’t like that and the child will naturally want to grow and develop in ways that at times causes us some tension and stretches our imagination. Children are growing up in a different world to their parents and are being exposed to many and varied differences, not the least of which is technology driven.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

As a young parent we have expectations that we will be the best parent we can possibly be. I would say to this that you probably are but the unknown is how the child grows and how they manage their challenges in their world. How will they challenge us? How do we meet those challenges head on, or gradually work with them in consultative ways? These are the big questions.

In working with families, it was not uncommon to hear parents talk about the unacceptable challenges that were put in front of them. They had no expectations that parenting would challenge their values, their thinking, put them in uncomfortable positions and more importantly force them to operate in ways that they thought impossible. They were feeling uncomfortable.

Their whole world could be turned on its head by children’s behaviour and attitudes to life. Parents can also look around and find that parenting for others seems easier.

Here I say what a wonderful challenge for you, the parent, to be given the opportunity to think differently and to work closely with your child through their shifting world. Parenting should change and adapt to the growing needs of the child. It is not static and will demand the parent reflect on their values and ideas and at least consider different ways of looking at life.

Teachers can see from time to time the fatigue of parents in trying to understand their child’s behaviour or school performance. It was not uncommon as Principal to support teachers in their supporting of parents struggling with their child’s lack of achievements.

The question I pose here is, whether as a parent we become unhappy when the child’s behaviour is not what we expect. Are we expecting standards that suit us? Are we wanting them to operate like us?

Here are some thoughts on how to accept that parenting will surprise us and ultimately delight us.

• Take care to enjoy the differences you notice in your child. Often, we look for the similarities in our children and reward them. I was good at Maths and so I expect you to be as well.

• Be prepared to be surprised. This should be a regular feeling. Enjoy the moment and comment on the surprise.

“Wow. I am so impressed that you choose such different colours to wear out.”

• Talk about how you love the differences that you notice in your child. This gives the child a feeling that they can express themselves comfortably around you.

• As a family, talk about how everyone is different and how those differences make a wonderful family tapestry, rich in difference and woven with unique story and experiences.

• If there are behaviours etc., that you do not like and have reason to talk about them, do it in such a way that you are not stifling their right to see things differently.

“I would like to talk about those clothes you are choosing to wear to the beach. I have some concerns about their suitability. Perhaps let’s start by telling me why you think they are suitable.”

Here you are not condemning their ideas in fact you are demonstrating an interest in listening to their reasoning. Even if after negotiation the child will need to change their clothes, affirm the fact that they are developing their own style and this is a good thing. Include at least one aspect of their dress choice to show you value their opinion. Perhaps you could go shopping to learn more about what they like.

If the child realises that you value their opinions, they are less likely to be reactive to your opinions and values.

If parenting seems to bring less stress to other families from your observations, do not make comparisons especially verbally to your child. Your journey is unique to you and the child. Sometimes parents feel that they are burdened with more difficult children. Every family has their challenges.

Children will also compare if you are very visible and verbal about your burdened parenting. In working with children, I have heard them wish to be in another family so they can be like them. Be proud of the uniqueness of your own family.

Accept what parenting brings. It will take you on an amazing voyage where you will discover in yourself different and unexpected ways to grow. Imagine that! You too will grow with your child.

“There are two things a parent should give a child.

One is roots, the other is wings.”

— Author unknown

Watch the long explanations.

Ever wondered what your time span is for listening to others? I imagine it would vary subject to the person, fatigue and interest in the topic. The point is that as we talk to people, the longer the sentence and overall conversation, the greater the propensity for our attention span to drop off. Now think about our children. They are not yet as well developed as adults in concentration and the younger the child, the more limited they are in hearing everything you have to say.

Also, it is well known that if your child is anxious or feels distracted, the likelihood of them hearing all of what you had to say will deteriorate very quickly. If there is an important message you wish to give a child, especially a pre-schooler, it is worth asking them to repeat it back so that you understand if they took in the key message.

Also, our tone of voice can impact on how much a child hears and processes. The more aggressive we sound, the more the child will shut down and only hear the hostility.

It is also true that if we give long explanations to a child, no matter how informative the information, they will process in chunks of information and they may not get the full impact of what you are saying. In fact, it is possible that if the explanation is very long, they can chunk concepts together which make their understanding completely incorrect. Teachers are very aware of how children process information.

Here we learn that when we want to give an explanation to a child, we should consider their age, attention span, wellness, timing and interest in concentrating at the time. If a child has plenty of distractions around them, they will not find it easy to concentrate on the explanation.

I recommend that you choose your time wisely. Then consider what is the actual information that you want to give your child and construct your sentences clearly, keeping them short. The more you add to your explanations, the more complicated the processing for the child. Also, with longer explanations, opinions, attitudes values etc. creep into what you are saying which can cloud the real purpose of the conversation.

In working with children, despite having considerable experience in this field, I would still regularly check myself and reflect on what I wanted to say. It was important to be succinct and clear. Using vocabulary that suited the age of the child was most important. When I gave long explanations to children, it was not uncommon that they would return with the words, “I don’t know what …. means?” This was a clear message to me that they had lost the content of what I was saying.

Consider the following as tools to help talk to children in ways that will engage them and give you the best response.

• Think before you speak. Is it important at that time to discuss the matter? Can it wait for a time where the child will be more receptive? Are you adequately prepared to give the best explanation?

• Choose words carefully and if discussing an important matter use vocabulary that is simple and direct.

• Short, sharp sentences are the best to get your message across to the child.

• Wait for a response rather that charging in quickly again. Children need that time to process what you have said. A little silence in between talking is quite acceptable.

• Have a positive tone to your voice that is not loud or sharp. Children only hear the aggravation and not the words.

• Always acknowledge their listening.

“Thanks for listening today. Now we can get on with dinner.”

• If uncertain that a child has understood what you had to say, gently ask them to repeat what you said, do this in a positive way encouraging the child.

“Can you just tell me again what I said?”

• When you wait for a response, be positive as negative body language can shut down the child’s response and limit their comprehension of what you had to say.

This article is all about getting the best from our conversations and not building up frustration when we think they are not listening. Perhaps they are not really listening and so we need to examine how we deliver the message to the child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Child care verses home care before school commences for the child

How many parents worry themselves considerably about this matter when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers. On many occasions, I was asked by young parents if putting your child in a childcare before they go to school disadvantages them. Parents worry about whether staying home with your child before school gives them more nurture and sets them up to cope better with school. And so, the question is posed in different ways and parents question their decisions in their child’s early years.

How many parents worry themselves considerably about the matter of childcare when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers?

What I can tell you from my experience is that whatever mix the preschool child has, is more about providing them with balance and quality of care, be it home or childcare. There are clearly more opportunities with language and social development in a child care and kindergarten run well. Given that they are exposed to various families and hearing and using language all the time, a child will quickly adapt and use language with ease. Therefore, I can say that you can notice how children who have been to kindergarten and childcare centres have more social and language experiences.

However, those children who attend kindergartens and remain at home with a parent also appear calm and steady and have learnt a great deal from simply being with their most important model, the parent. Kindergarten gives the child many social experiences and they also learn how to engage with a variety of people.

After a few months settling into school both children who have had more time at home and those who have spent more early years at child care appear to show very little difference in their response to school.

We sometimes underestimate how adaptable our young children can be when given challenges. Teachers in the first few months in the first year of school, work on setting up routines and patterns in the classroom which the children are keen to follow. They are busy, full days and the differences between children’s preschool experiences fade as the months continue. Also, the first year of school is a time for children to find themselves socially and begin their focussed intellectual journey with formal reading, writing etc.

Of course, helping your child before starting school with reading stories, counting etc., is also supported at early childcare centres and Kindergartens. All early learning is gratefully appreciated and valued by the school.  A child’s formal learning which begins at school, puts them under a different pressure and whether your child has had more years at home doesn’t make a great deal of difference, once the child is settled at school. It may of course mean a great deal to you in being the supportive parent. That is a different matter.

This article is born out of my own observations and experience of many years observing children as they start school. What is important is that pre-schoolers have a balanced life with stimulus coming from parent input and other influences such as extended family, kindergartens, childcare etc. They need plenty of rest, tempered with challenges that engage them in a variety of ways. They need an environment where they can question, feel safe and challenge themselves. A combination of many experiences is the key to setting up your child for a successful start to school.

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.”

— Chinese Proverb

What’s wrong with a little downtime in our life?

Are we fearful of hearing the words, “I’m bored”?

As parents, we work harder to provide plenty of busy activities for our children, especially after school and much of this is often sports. What we need to consider is building in downtime. Call it what you like, but giving the child idle time to simply be and to find their own way, without direction, is important for their emotional development.

If they choose to use it in a constructive way, parents always feel better. However, sometimes it is valuable for a child to simply be and to just enjoy some idol space. We all need to create balance in our life. Finding balance will only come when a child learns to understand that less focussed times are equally important.

Teachers when planning their agenda for the day often include free time. This is where no demands are placed on the child and they are free to do what suits them. There is no judgement made on how they use their time at all. This free time creates healthy mental spaces between busy learning activities. It gives the child a chance to immerse themselves in their own thoughts and direct their own actions. Children love these times in the classroom.

In working with children who seemed quite stressed, it was common to invite them into my office and just let them be with whatever toys or activities were present. Sometimes they would just sit and enjoy the space of being in the office while I continued typing etc. It was just about creating a peaceful non threatened moment where they focussed on their thoughts.

Many of the self-disciplines such as yoga, mindfulness, meditation etc. focus on finding yourself in your own headspace. As parents, we tend to think that we need to fill those spaces with busy activities or at least advise our children as to how they could employ their spare time.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

• Let your child know that you enjoy downtime in your life and discuss how you find that time.

• Look at the set up at home. Are there quiet spaces that the child can find to be on their own. Consider the surrounding noises.

• Let the child situate their toys, Lego etc in a comfortable accessible space. This demonstrates that you are happy for them to engage with these spontaneously as they are quite visible. Try not to lock them up all in the child’s bedroom. Finding downtime can be in different parts of the house.

• I appreciate that television can be seen as downtime but monitor that this is only seen as one aspect of downtime.

• If your child enjoys being outside, set it up so that they can find themselves absorbed in outdoor activities. There is nothing more mentally refreshing than jumping on trampolines, bouncing balls, shooting for goals, skipping, digging in small sandpits etc. Children can really lose themselves in outdoor recreation.

• Set up routines at home to ensure that downtime is factored in. This could be that every week you decide as a family to simply have downtime. Invite the child into planning the routine of downtime.

• Talk as a family about what downtime can look like for different members of the family. What is important here is the conversation about how the family values downtime.

This article is primarily reminding us that downtime is a wellness component and should be valued as an important part of family life.

Downtime refreshes the spirit, clears the mental cobwebs and charges the emotional battery, ready for more active engagement with life.

“Time isn’t the main thing. It is the only thing.”

— Miles Davis

A word on body image.

There is so much that needs to be said around this important matter. All cannot be said in one small article. However, there is one valuable point that I wish to bring to parent’s attention. This is based on my considerable experience as school Principal and also experience as parent and grandparent

Once the child sees their body as something that is beautiful by nature of being healthy and fit, they are comfortable in their own skin and steer away from the shady world of social media presenting unacceptable images.

As children grow, they are of course exposed to their own physical changes. This is natural. Also people around them, not the least of which is their peers will talk about their changing shapes. What constitutes attractive looks etc. All of this is to be expected and parents cannot stop the chatter that goes on around body image.

So join it!

However, one great support in reducing anxiety in this area is to engage your children in active sports over their growing years. The more a child grows with interest in being physically stronger, the greater they look to developing a body image built around being healthy and productive. I have seen this time and time again. I noticed that children who loved and gravitated around sports were more inclined to associate with children who had similar interests. Their conversations were about building strong bodies to do better times on the track, in the pool, on the waves, on the basketball court, etc. They developed a stronger self-awareness of body image and were more educated and interested in learning how healthy bodies worked. They of course were given supportive advice through clubs and training sessions and enjoyed talking about how improving their stamina would give them the body they wanted.

I have seen this in my own children and now grandchildren who are keen to associate with like minded children who talk about feeling good as being as important as looking good. The self-discipline they gain from being part of teams and the social comradery protects them from the murky world of social media and “looking pretty’. Attractive to them is tied up with a having a healthy body that works well.

My recommendation is simple. Involve the children in organised sport from an early age. This may mean exploring different sports until as a family you choose one that provides an environment in which you feel happy and secure as you will be handing your children over to coaches and supportive parents on a regular basis. There is often a like mindedness in these clubs and this continues to support healthy images about the body across groups of likeminded parents. There is also strong modelling from parents who have a love for being fit themselves. One warning! Ensure the club is a positive one promoting competition on a healthy level. This does need to be assessed by yourself as parent.

Once the child sees their body as something that is beautiful by nature of being healthy and fit, they are comfortable in their own skin and steer away from the shady world of social media presenting  unacceptable images. Their social world is more about associating with likeminded children well educated in how the body works. They value a healthy mind and body. To them that is beauty.

“Just play, enjoy the game, have fun.”

— Michael Jordan

Teaching the child about discrimination.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child? Quite simply we should be starting at an early age as there are so many examples of discrimination in the life of a child. Some are subtle, some more blatant.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child?

A great sadness for me as school principal was to see how prejudice and discrimination could so easily creep into the life of a child. It was ever present through media, television, poor modelling from families and extended networks. It was often subtle but children learnt quickly to align themselves to groups and cultures that felt comfortable, seemed similar and made them welcome. Such alignment sometimes led to reduced understanding and tolerance of difference. It quickly shut down interest in other viewpoints.

Now having said that I can assure families that the best way to strengthen children’s understandings of the complex world is to expose them to as much as possible. For example, if you do not have aged family, grandparents etc, in the life of the child, align yourself with older people. Children enjoy their company and come to value and appreciate the aged.

If your child has little understanding of disability, perhaps watch the Paralympics or talk to neighbours with disability. Here we again remind our children that aligning with difference makes us richer.

There are many examples I could state about bringing your child to the table to understand and value the differences in society. Starting at an early age is the key. You may have a favourite charity in which the family contributes, talk about why this charity is so important to you.

Schools frequently take on projects to raise the awareness of social differences, especially social disability and if the family keeps up the dialogue at home and capitalises on opportunities to engage with social difference, they are encouraging their child to develop a broad appreciation of life.

Of course, everything we say and do as parents can potentially demonstrate bias. It’s unavoidable at times. However, we can take care to watch how we talk about groups that are different or challenging. If the child hears that you are open to differences and respect the variance in society, they are more receptive to not taking on bias themselves. They are also more inclined to talk to you about such matters.

A few tips in this important area.

• Talk positively about differences in our society.

• Always tell your child that whilst I feel this way towards an issue, there are other perspectives that could be considered.

• Watch programs together that cover important areas of discrimination.

• In a child’s friendship group there will be children of various races, attitudes, social status etc. Embrace the differences that your child brings home. Learn from the acceptance your child shows towards matters of discrimination.

• Be an opportunist. When you see a chance to engage with someone or something different, include your child.

• Demonstrate to your child that discriminating in any form limits a person’s capacity to understand the bigger world. Of course, I will have my opinion on certain matters but I welcome the opportunity to listen to others. Here you teach your child to open their thinking to a bigger world.

 This article is about keeping the pilot light on for your child to explore, respect and value differences in our world. The danger comes when they choose to undervalue matters of discrimination with little knowledge. Our objective as parents is to ignite a desire in our children to learn about all that is different. May they come to it with compassion and understanding.

“No one is born hating another person, be of their colour of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

— Nelson Mandela.

The importance of Rituals in family life.

As a family do you hold family rituals? This could be a range of occasions where you gather as a family to reinforce or celebrate aspects of family life. You are probably doing this on the run, as it is common practice to repeat patterns with family habits.

This article suggests that rituals become a recognised aspect of family life.

This is important for several reasons.

• Children learn from routine and feel reassured that what they are doing is part of their regular life.

• Rituals are unique to your family. For example, it might be a pattern in your house that every Sunday you have a special family meal together. It could be that every Friday night the family eat take aways and talk about their week. Perhaps your family has a religious ritual on a regular basis.

Simply having the ritual of reading at night is an act that becomes very familiar to your child. It reminds the child that in your family reading is a way of life.

This article recommends giving your child an awareness that ritual is important and makes a clear statement of who you are as a family.

• Consider listing all the rituals and habits that you as a family enjoy. Talk about how new rituals can come into play as the family gets older and needs to change. However, there are some rituals that may never change. They are embedded in the family DNA.

• Talk about the difference your children have noticed when they visit other families. This gives them a stronger awareness of what is unique to your family. Consider sporting clubs and the rituals held firmly with them.

• Point out other rituals you notice in other organisations.

We refer to the school as having its own unique culture. This culture is made up of routines and rituals that are often unique to that school. Children become familiar with how that culture operates and this gives them guidance in how they work and play in that environment.

Giving your child clear guidelines in family rituals that form your own unique way of life, gives them reassurance and awareness of what drives your family. Talk to them about why these rituals are valued and what makes them unique to you.

 Consider the following:

• Rituals are often passed on from generation to generation.

• Children need and love routine and patterns that they understand.

• Rituals have messages behind them and teach children what is valued and precious in your family. Children naturally compare and having their own rituals gives them a sense of pride and security in what is recognised as their unique family.

• Sometimes children will reject or work against the family ritual. This is their way of testing their own developing opinions and values. In the long haul, whether they like them or not they still appreciate the ritual as a statement of what is important to you, the parent.

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Over the centuries, rituals have been a way of life for many and varied groups of people. Family is a very powerful part of a child’s developing world. Family rituals therefore are embedded deeply in the heart and mind of a child for a very long time. When your child becomes a parent, they will reflect on what rituals were passed down to them in their childhood. Surprisingly many reappear wrapped in the framework of a new generation!

“At the heart of every family tradition is a meaningful experience.”

— Acostantine

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Problem solving – it’s a great way to support our children’s learning

Parents often ask teachers how can I best help my child learn?

A child’s intellectual development is influenced by many factors, not the least of which is the support given by parents who are actually the first educators of their children. By the time a child is at school, their understanding of the world has grown immensely and most of this is through parental education, family influences etc.

What is most helpful to a child is to learn how to learn and, in this area, a parent can be a powerful influence. This is about setting up situations where you encourage your child to explore optional answers. You encourage them to look for alternative methods to solve problems. Simply giving the child answers, is not encouraging their inquiring attitude to learning.

If a child develops from an early age that finding out information themselves is satisfying, they will continue to rely on their own resources, which will grow into quite a knowledge bank. They will also grow more intellectually independent and feel confident in their own abilities to search for the answers. They will not rely on others. This is independent thinking and is all about learning how to learn. It is about being in control of your own learning.

Here are some thoughts on how to help your child develop independent skills in problem-solving.

When you child asks a question throw it back to them.

“What is important to know here?”

“What do you know so far about that issue?”

“Why is that issue worth knowing?”

This is all about questioning their interest and getting them to reflect on why they want that knowledge. How useful will that knowledge be to their problem?

Ask the child how they would go about getting the necessary information. Here is a time to guide them giving them some direction in where else to look. Once the child has researched the problem, find out what they have learnt to date and suggest other aspects of the problem which could be considered.

“It looks like you have great information there. I was wondering have you also looked up google etc….”

This is all about questioning the value of the information they have gathered and exploring other points of reference in which the child can research.

Finally, you may ask, “Have you reached a clear understanding of that situation? Tell me about it.”

All these tactics are encouraging your child to question, probe and leave no stone unturned, to come to a conclusion based on good research. Note how you are not solving the problem but assisting the child in discovering a process to follow. You are not making judgements on how they research the problem, but certainly you can encourage them at an appropriate time to think of alternative ways to look at the problem.

In working with children, teachers always start by posing questions and from that question, the real work of problem-solving begins. The joy in this process is that the child is fully engaged and keen to seek out information themselves. For them, it is so rewarding to be in charge of solving the problem. As a parent being a catalyst in encouraging open thinking and an inquiring mind in your child, is, in fact, teaching them how to learn. This is a lifelong process for all of us.

“All the world is a laboratory to the inquiring mind.”

— Martin Fisher

Our children can teach us so much.

Isn’t it wonderful how much joy we gain from watching our children? Their laughter, childhood ways, imagination and sense of fun give us life.

This article is inviting us to stop and reflect on how children are a source of joy. We can learn so much about the beauty of life through their eyes. After all, being an adult can be very boring. It can also drain our sense of fun and reduce our awareness of all that is life-giving around us.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life.

At school, it was my common practice that if I was a having a bad day, weighed down by various matters, I would take myself around to the classrooms, just to enjoy the chatter, humour and life in the classroom. It lifted my spirits and made me realise how much I can learn from children. Let’s consider our children’s youthfulness as a happy pill and one that puts us in a better mental framework.

Their simple wisdom, unshakeable love for their parents, innocence when it comes to seeing the best or worse in a situation, teaches us that sometimes we can adopt a lighter more manageable approach to life.

All that we understand can be seen from different, less judgemental eyes. All that we see can be understood with better understanding and more general acceptance. As children have their faith in those around them, they can teach us how not to lose hope and belief in others. They also teach us how to simplify understandings, taking out the anger and hurt.

Here are some thoughts that invite us to reflect on times with our children that can be beneficial for improving our spirit and disposition.

• Laugh with your children. See the funny side to their actions.

• Listen to their words. Often simply expressed but with powerful messages.

• Watch them play and join in to the experience. They often talk about all sorts of interesting things when playing. It is especially enjoyable listening to their chatter in a sandpit.

• Children love to draw. Watch them and talk about what their drawings are all about. As an adult doodling can be another form of drawing in a state of relaxation.

• Sing with your child. Some of the songs you will know and the repetition is often comforting.

• Enjoy the changing expressions on their faces and the interesting body language. These shift so regularly and are a key to how they are processing information.

• Let your child know that you learn from them.

“I love the way you use play dough. Can you show me how you created that shape?”

• Children have a different sense of time to busy adults. Perhaps we can adopt more time to things we enjoy doing and reduce the busy things we do that clutter the day.

• Allow them to be creative. This can go in many directions that will surprise you. Their creativity abounds in so many ways.

• Remind yourself by talking to your children about the fun parts of your childhood. What made you laugh and what drove your spirit.

This article invites the parent to simply enjoy the moments with their children and notice the unique childlike manner that is so attractive to them.

Time passes quickly and those moments where we learn about our child in their childhood become less and less as they grow older. My belief is that if we capture their joy, we will carry it with us and it will give us some positive feelings along the way.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life. Adopt a little of their liveliness and enjoy the day.

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

— Tom Stoppard

Helping children when testing is happening at school.

Who likes being evaluated? Not many from my understanding of human nature. Yet we regularly do this to children in schools across all their school life.

In teaching, regular testing is considered necessary to further guide their teaching in quality and in targeting the specific needs of your children. This is a valid reason but for some children, the fear of regular assessment at school can have an impact on their sense of self-worth.

It can also lower their interest in school and make them question their capacity to be successful.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider the following tips to help ease their worries.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider these tips to help ease their worries.

•  Make an appointment to talk to the teacher about the purpose of testing. This helps them understand why it might be important as a teaching tool. It is about transferring the need for testing onto the teacher who needs this information to guide her in her work. It also alerts the teacher to the child’s anxieties.

• Discuss how you approached testing at school and what best helped you cope.

• Talk about how a test helps you learn what you need to know.

  “In this test, you got some spelling words incorrect. Great!  Now we know which words to work on.”

• Some parents like to talk about tests as time to look for your growth curves.

“Well done. What growth curve do you need to take after that test?”

There are some excellent children’s books on the theme of coping with some failure. Most school libraries have them in stock.

•  Talk about how successful a child is because they did the test! The result is just to guide further teaching and learning.

• Do not focus on the detail of the test, especially the numeric results. For example, talking about the results, seven out of ten is not as important as talking about what the child will work on from the test.

• Talk about famous people who learnt from many trial and error experiments. Teachers will often talk to the class about how well-known sportspeople, scientists etc. all exposed themselves to testing their performance.

Ultimately tests can be a time for some children to increase their anxiety. Normal range anxiety is acceptable and can often drive better performance. However, should a child develop unacceptable levels of anxiety this must be addressed with the school and home working together. Without collective understanding and support, it can lead to absolute refusal of being assessed.

There is no escaping the rigours of life which do come with assessments of all kinds. Here we are building a child’s understanding of the value of testing and how it leads to further growth. It is all about measuring how far they have come and not what is not yet learnt. It is all about celebrating success to date and the effort put into the process of learning and growing.

“Life will test you but remember, when you walk up a mountain, your legs get stronger.”

— Sunshine

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

What’s in the words you use?

The power of words has such an impact on our children. Think about words used by your family when you were a child. Perhaps they were reinforcing or rather damaging. Either way, words are powerful tools in influencing our self-image. How we express ourselves reveals a lot about who we are to others and especially to our children.

This does not mean that parents should be wordsmiths but it does suggest that what we say to our children and how we deliver the message needs to be thought through carefully. Consider these two statements.

How are you delivering messages to your children?

“Clean the table it is full of leftover dishes.”

“I would appreciate you cleaning the table as it will make such a difference.”

or perhaps,

“I love a clean table. Thanks for your help. Let’s clean it up.”

 Ultimately the goal here is to clean the table but how we express it requires clear messages to your child and highlights your mood, temperament and how you desire to engage with the child.

Also consider the choice of words.

“That is a stupid thing to do.”

or,

“Doing that has caused some problems.”

When talking to children, they will always look for intent and seek clarity in what you say. Given that they seek approval from you they need to have conversations with you that are not destructive or display irrationality. Of course, when you need to discuss and deal with unacceptable behaviour, you will need to speak to them with assurity and firmness but I recommend the following.

• Say what you need to say and no more. Sometimes in our anxiety to deal with the matter other issues are brought into the conversation which can blur the whole purpose of the conversation.

• If you think that you will not handle the conversation well, then delay the timing of the discussion. Better to use effective language later rather than use poor language when unsettled.

• Remember that when a child is anxious, they often do not hear or process the whole conversation. Use gentle words that are listenable and clear to the child.

“I want to talk to you about the broken glass on the floor. It seems that you knocked over the vase when you were running. Do you remember our discussion about running around the room?”

• Take care not to use language such as stupid, dumb, silly. Often the child focuses on these words which cloud their feelings of self-worth when you are talking to them.

• On a positive note, when you affirm a child use language that is recognisable and valued by the child. Use familiar, comforting words in which they can identify.

“I am so impressed with your efforts. Well done.”

• Keep sentences short and sharp when wanting to deliver messages and take care not to change the tone of your conversation along the way.

• The words we use and how we phrase our words dictates to many people how we interpret the world. Your child sees you as a major model in their life and will mimic your style as they get older. It was quite common to see in class, children who sound so much like their parents. Never underestimate how your language influences your child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.                    ”

— Peggy O’Mara

Being the best you can is often enough as a parent.

Are we looking for perfection in rearing our children? Do we question ourselves when we think our parenting was not good enough?

Perhaps we make judgements on how effective we are compared to friends, our parents, other family units. 

Do you think your parenting is not good enough?

Sometimes we make the call to be exceptional in our interactions and management of our children. Sometimes it is all too hard. We can be tired, unwell or preoccupied with other things to give parenting our one hundred percent attention.

What is worth considering is our very human condition. We are entitled and expected to be human and this comes with all its imperfections and warts whether we are a parent or not.

Once we start parenting we can sometimes have feelings of guilt if we are just not perfect enough. Perhaps we could have tried harder? Were we right in making that call?

I have some good news here. Children prefer the human in you. They feel more at ease when and if you make mistakes and are open about them. The trick here is to be honest with your child. Apologise when mistakes are made and be prepared to start again. Talk about how sometimes you are not good at things and occasionally you may find tasks hard. You actually have to work hard to be a parent sometimes! The child is wise enough and intuitively knows how you operate as a parent. Although they may see other models of parenting surrounding them, they are still comforted and reassured with their own parents.

Parenting is all about the effort and process you use and the sincerity in which you interact with your child.

 In working with children, teachers are very keen to articulate when they make a mistake. They see this as a chance to teach a child that making mistakes, being imperfect is a natural way to understand the human condition. The quality of teaching improves when teachers feel relaxed about talking about their imperfections to their children. There is real value in a teacher’s honesty with their class.

The emotional growth of a child also is influenced by their ability to interpret situations especially human actions.  

 Consider the following:

• Your human face is part of your charm. Don’t hide it from your child. Let them see the real you.

• There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is an ongoing process in which we keep working with our children, weaving in and out of situations that morph into different scenarios.

• Children expect and deserve to see you in all your glory and this comes with some ordinary moments as well. They, in fact, love the ordinary in you!

• Sometimes good is good enough and as a parent, you need to understand that nurturing yourself improves parenting. This may involve giving less time to your family and some more time to yourself. This also teaches the child that you value yourself. To be a more successful parent is about being a happier adult where your well being is valued.

Carrying feelings of guilt around with regard to not being a satisfactory parent only unsettles a child who loves you unconditionally for who you are all the time. 

Keep the happy levels up in parenting no matter how you think you perform. Focussing on underachievement and comparisons in this area of parenting only fuels further discontentment with yourself and the child.

Nurture and love of your child is not always linked to being successful in every area of parenting. The most important person who realises this is your child.

 The message is simple. You are doing the best you can do and learn to love the journey along the way.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell

Teaching the value of problem solving.

Schools understand the value of teaching problem solving. The style of teaching often taught is through an inquiry approach whereby questioning and problem solving play a very big part in how children are taught to learn.

With this in mind, as a parent, teaching problem solving from an early age makes a lot of sense. Consider some of the advantages.

Strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.

If you are encouraging problem solving you are inviting your child to solve their own problems. You are also encouraging independent thinking and risk taking. You are in effect teaching your child that making mistakes, trialling ways to solve problems and ‘having a go’ are valuable tools in working out how to solve life issues. As a parent you are teaching them to rely on their own ingenuity, creativity and common sense. You have confidence in their own decision making.

Let’s look at some strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.

• Be the model and talk to your child about how you brainstorm issues when you have a problem. Demonstrate some recent examples of how you dealt with some problems that needed careful thought.

• Teaching a child to list some options they may be thinking about to solve a problem is useful.

“Try listing three ways you could solve that problem”,

“Great now let’s discuss each option and see how it would work for you.”

• Some children enjoy having a problem-solving book where they write in optional ways to look at the problem.

• How about the what, where, how and why questions. This can be a habit to ask the children when they talk about a problem

What is it that you are solving as a problem?

How can you solve it?

Where is it to be dealt with?

What are you dealing with?

These four questions help a child think a bit deeper about the problem they aim to solve.

Another tool to help a child solve the problem is to simply write down the problem. Some children reflect more deeply when they see the problem written down on paper.

A few tips to make the process work well.

• Have faith in your child’s ability to work it out. Be patient.

• Ensure that your body language is always positive when a child offers suggestions.

• Affirm their efforts.

“Well done for thinking of that as an option.”

• Allow them to make mistakes and reassure them that this is part of the process.

• Remind them of famous people such as Einstein who only learnt through practice and making errors.

• Encourage perseverance.
  “Great effort. Have you planned any further direction with     that problem?”

In working with children with regard to school issues such as friendship problems, anxiety about poor performance etc., it was most important to firstly talk about the success you had noticed in previous attempts.

Laughter a great tool in dealing with stress.

How often do you laugh with your children? Do you find the things they do or talk about amusing? Can you see the lighter side of your child’s actions keeping in mind that they are the actions of a child and not an adult?

Our world can easily be seen as a serious place and children have a natural disposition to be happy and seek out happy spaces and people. They are in fact a delight to be with and a privilege to have in our lives.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving.

This article is to remind us that laughing with your child is a healthy activity to do. It also teaches your child that humour is valued and that finding humour in life situations can be very mentally therapeutic. Some people have a natural disposition to see the world in lighter ways. For others, finding the lighter side to life can be learnt overtime.

We can all see the situation in different perspectives as with the glass half full or empty. However, to find the funny side of situations is an excellent way teach your child a strategy in coping with stress.

It is no coincidence that children gravitate around people who have a positive happy disposition. They are attracted to warmth in personality and humour.

As a parent we can sometimes become absorbed in the seriousness of the occasion. After all our role is to rear our children, provide for them etc. I would add to this that a parent’s role is also to teach strategies that enable a child to cope better when times are difficult. It is also about showing them that there is humour and lightness when sometimes everything seems out of control.

Teachers are very clever at selecting moments in class that bring spontaneous laughter to the classroom. This creates a climate in the room which is inviting and generally optimistic. It says to the children that we are a happy class.  Mistakes happen and we move on seeing only the brighter side of the day. It also forms a great stop gap method of taking away built up tension. Humour certainly works.

In working with children individually I would start the conversation in a positive note and try to bring in something light and happy to talk about. If we both enjoyed a joke it certainly created the environment for more comfortable talk to follow.

I know of some families that keep a joke book at home and on a regular basis they tell jokes as a family. Of course, watching funny programs or playing games is a great time for laughter in a family. However, what is better is when you the parent can spontaneously point out situations that can be seen as funny.

“Look at the dog chasing his tail. He looks like a complete circle.”

“Hey check out my hair. I look like a have had an electric shock.”

 Laughing about yourself teaches the child that you are a resilient person.

It’s all about making light humour of situations, teaching the child that being positive takes away the potential of a situation turning negative. A child will certainly pick up the message and appreciate that life can be funny and perhaps not so serious.

Of course, care must be taken between misreading a serious situation and this is all about the skill of the parent in talking appropriately to the child on such an occasion.

Finally let’s look at the advantages of bringing humour into your family life.

• It costs little.

• It enlivens the spirit.

• It gives a strong message to your child that humour is an important aspect in your life.

• It lightens anxiety.

• It invites a child to read a situation for what it is rather than becoming too serious.

• It reminds the child that the world is not a perfect place and that perfection can be restrictive. The world can be amusing and enjoyed for this reason.

• If the child is laughing at you it teaches them that you are resilient when people find you funny. This certainly talks a great deal to the child about resilience.

• It also helps a child discern what is serious and what is acceptable humour. For some children this can take some time to understand.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving. It is a wonderful collective activity to do as a family and it brings in to play so many strengthening aspects of self esteem, self worth etc. Ultimately the child can begin to see the humour in themselves. How personally strengthening is that!

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplain

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins