A NIGHT TIME DISCOVERY

Do you just love chatting to your child at bedtime? There is something magical about being together and disclosing the stories of the day. This is a time when children feel safe and secure enough to chat to you intimately. One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to simply say:

One great way to invite your child to talk about the day is to chat at bedtime.

“What made you happy today?”

Also another way to express the day is to ask:

“What made you feel good about yourself today?”

A simple, harmless invitation to talk about the day. It doesn’t focus on the negative at all. Often from the child will come their feelings of being happy but also they may chat about the incidence that didn’t make them feel so good in themselves.
This is a real listening time and doesn’t need to be a time of solving problems.

The invitation to just chat about the happy experiences makes the child relive positive feelings that reassure them. This is important before bed as it gives them a feeling of being safe with their thoughts. Of course having the reinforcement from the parent makes it all the better.

Sometimes you may find the child asking you the same question,

“What made you feel good today?”

This is a perfect time to talk about the values and experiences that enriched your life on that day.

The purpose of using night time to reflect positively on the day is an excellent way to teach children a little about positive psychology which is all about reinforcing the positive and diminishing the negative which acts as an obstacle to happiness.

When working with children at school they would often tell me that the most looked forward to time was talking to parents at bedtime. It was time to feel secure and happy within themselves. The presence of having a parent present gives them such emotional reassurance that all is well with the world.

Take care with the language we use around our children

Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.

Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.

Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.

 When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.

For example:

“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”

Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.

If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.

Always add a positive element or spin where possible.

 Affirm in your talk.

 For example:

“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”

Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.

There is no need to have an answer for everything.

“That is interesting. I will think about that”.

In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:

“Why are you talking differently today?”

Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.

It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.

Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.

Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.

Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.

Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.

A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well.  The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.

Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.

Are you sure your child knows what you are saying?

Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.

Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.

When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.

In working with children, it was very apparent that  I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.

             “I would like to talk to you about......”

 It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.

            “When the incident happened you got very angry”

            “When you were angry you     ......”  

When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.

When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.

The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:

•  Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.

• Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.

• Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.

• Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.

• Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.

• Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.

• Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.

A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.

This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.

Often you hear parents say:

             “ my child never listens to me”.

 I often heard from a child:

             “I don't know what mum wants from me.”

Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.

“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”

— George Orwell 1984

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984

Siblings can get in the way of each other

Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?

This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.

I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.

However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

 The following ways may be helpful:

•  Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.

• Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.

• If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.

• Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.

• Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.

Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as  a mentor and mediator.

Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.

One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

Getting the most out of time together

As parents we work hard to give our children fulfilling experiences. However, I challenge you to go outside the norm and give everyone in the family an exceptional and challenging experience. This is the stuff that makes for future stories and great memories when you take yourself out of the ordinary and into the unknown. For example, how about an adventurous and challenging hike?

If you are a family that has a focus on one sport activity, put it aside for a while and do something quite different.

I always remember the reaction when I put to the school parents that we would take our seniors to Canberra for the first time. The anticipation, the anxiety of some parents was high, but what an adventure we all had. I can honestly say I don’t remember much of other school camps over the years. However, this took us well out of our comfort zones. I know that the children still have fond memories including staff and that was several years ago.

Consider the adventure and challenge in your plan. There is often a much greater need to depend on each other in more demanding circumstances and this leads to stronger bonds between family members.

Why not simply talk about it as a family and together plan something that will literally present some challenges, create new experiences and bring you all into new territory together.

As a family when our children were teenagers, we charted a yacht and sailed around Tahiti. This was a little scary but it still is a source of much conversation and enjoyment when reliving the occasion.

In order to strengthen bonds in family, it is worthwhile considering some new experience that requires developing new skills. Plan it together. The more the children are involved in the organising, the better for all. It can even raise anxiety a little but ultimately it is a shared experience unique to you as a family.

“FAMILY…

We may not have it all together

But together we have it all.”

— Unknown

Create new experiences that bring your family into new territory together.

What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

The Art of being Happy - It's contagious and life giving for the family.

I have recently read an excellent book, Positive Psychology Coaching: Putting the Science of Happiness to Work for Your Clients, Robert Biswas- Diener, Ben Dean 2007, John Wiley & Sons. Whilst it is directed to coaching, the book talks about the value in life of being happy and how this leads to the development of well rounded individuals, who can form healthy relationships with people and who demonstrate emotional and social maturity. It is all about thinking healthily.

I then thought about family well being and the ability of families to be generally happy. There is much to be grateful for in our family life. Seeing the glass half full is also another way of looking at it.

A happy, healthy family does value laughter and general happiness. There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness. Consider the simple ones that sometimes we take for granted.

• I actually have a family.

• There is love in the family.

• My daughter smiles at me and say she loves me.

• My son is so funny when he talks.

• We all get together on Saturday night and watch a movie.

• My three year old just gave me a flower from the garden.

These are simple examples of how we should be happy for all the joys, simple and complex we have as a family.

It is certainly easy to feel the negative, weighing us down. Many of the troublesome issues of family will pass and what will remain is the memories of how we enjoyed the moment. Sadly, when a family goes through extreme trauma they sometimes come to realise the preciousness of what they have had in their life and this gives them greater sensitivity to the joys of life.

I have very positive memories of working with anxious children by including at some point, when possible, a sense of happiness into the conversation. It is amazing how the tone changes when the focus is on happy thoughts.

It eases tension and releases pleasant feelings into our body.

It also is an excellent enabler to talk more comfortably.

We are also teaching our children that we value being happy as a human condition that enables us to live well both mentally and physically. Happiness is contagious, people gravitate around the warmth of positive, happy people. Children will soon see that in your family happiness is a requirement.

Your disposition in seeing the happy moment and finding laughter as a cure for solving problems, will resonate for life with your child.

“For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are so many positive things upon which to contemplate with regard to family happiness.

Take care to always tell the truth. It does set our children free.

As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!

In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.

This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.

The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.

In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.

Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.

•  Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully

             “I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”

Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.

Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.

They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.

After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.

Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.

•  Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:

 “You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.

This is more realistic then saying:

 “you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”

The first statement is real and genuine.

Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.

Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”

— Mark Twain

If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.

Take care with incidental language

One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

           “John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

            “Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

            “John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

            “You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

            “You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

             “Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

 Try saying:

             “Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

 The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

                                              It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell

It’s all in the words

What about regret?

Can we think about our childhood for a moment and some of the regrets we may carry with us? Perhaps those regrets may include occasions we missed with our parents. Of course parenting in each generation is different and we need to remember that what was relevant for one generation may not be the same for the next generation. Still, we probably remember and have some grief about lost opportunities

This article is just reminding us that the time we have with our children is precious, short and remarkable. Their growth and frequent changes physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally surprise us all. Without sounding too grim, we can easily miss precious moments often those spontaneous moments that give parents so much joy. That special moment when they start to talk or develop cute expressions or play sport for the first time in a team. How about when they show you their first tooth coming loose and the excitement when they have a birthday. Our whole journey with them consists of moments in time and despite how busy we are we should try and have a strong presence in their life so that as a parent you gain the pleasure and satisfaction of parenting which you deserve.

As a school Principal, talking to a parents, it was not uncommon to hear parents expressing regret around missed opportunities with their children. Whilst I hear you say, I can't be there for everything, I would say that the child values the effort made. If they see how you value being strongly present in their life, they are very content. A child recognises and values your spirit of determination and desire to share their journey. That is what remains with them over time.

After all this is part of your journey as well as the child. Your life changed the minute your child was born and your presence in their life is so intrinsically bound together.  You will never be the same after the birth of your child. I am not talking here about your commitment and responsibility to your child, most parents understand and take that seriously. I am referring to your natural desire to continue sharing their life in many different ways. They will naturally fuel your emotional stability, demonstrate such powerful things such as unconditional love and give you many opportunities to simply stop and smell the roses. We learn in so many varied ways from our children's journey. This is how we grow emotionally as well.

Talk to anyone who has teenagers and they will easily tell you how their child's early childhood went too quickly. They question if they missed important milestones and they sense some grief with the loss of those early delightful years when they were so dependent on you.

No regrets if you as the parent, plan to have a strong presence in their life, capturing in your mind and heart those special snapshot moments. Whilst our jobs and external roles are important, they will pass and be forgotten in the schema of time. Not so when it comes to those deep, happy and unique memories of sharing your child's special moments in their journey. No regrets PLEASE.

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.”

— Anonymous

Do you regret time missed with your children?

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.

Learning about what to have and how to live without ownership of everything.

What a difficult lesson it is to teach our children that we do not need to own everything. This is tricky, especially when so many other children around them seem to have so much more. 

“Strive to have access to things. Not ownership of them. Possess something and it possesses you.”

— “Keep Life Simple Therapy”, Linus Mundy.

This certainly touches on family values and how a child understands what is possible and not possible in their family setting. It is about teaching the child that we live within our means. Living within your means can be taught quite well to the child.

In my experience families that play together, laugh together, talk together, physically exercise together, bike ride, walk in parks, play formal games like Monopoly etc., demonstrate to their children that there are many ways to access things but not own them. The more motivated they are with regard to accessing what is available for them, the greater appreciation they develop about what is around.

Also families can talk about their finances and what constitutes living in their means. This is such a worthwhile life lesson to teach children. In today's world, where financial transactions take place with credit cards etc. children do not get a visual understanding of cost.

Below are some useful tips in giving children a better understanding of appreciating things but not feeling unsatisfied if not owning some goods.

•  This is about the whole family setting family limits and discussing how their budget works perhaps across  a week. Best to keep it short and it can be in simple terms. It is about getting the child to reflect on the cost of living.

• Celebrating all the opportunities where the family can access things as opposed to owning them. For example as mentioned above utilising all the natural resources available in the area.

• Encourage the child to research the price of items. This is great for their Maths but also gets them to understand the value of goods.

• If a child has pocket money, then teaching them to save for a special item gives them pleasure in their efforts. Grandparents are great supports in quickly building up their resources.

• As a family, budget for one special item and tap into how that is going over time.

• Birthdays or Christmas are a great occasion for a child to receive something special. The waiting till the occasion has arrived is teaching the lesson of patience as well as placing more value on the gift.

• Encourage the child to write thank you cards when given something special. This helps them reflect on the effort on the part of the giver.

• Tell stories of your childhood and the excitement of waiting for gifts etc. Perhaps you had a paper round or worked to earn small amounts of money. Talk about the joy you felt when the effort was rewarded.

• If the answer is No to something they want, be prepared to explain the reason and listen to their concerns. Can you negotiate with them or is it simply not within budget expectations.

• Keep coins at the ready in your purse and invite the child to count out and pay for items with coins.

I have had the privilege of managing schools in different economic zones. What I learnt was that those children with less, seem to appreciate what they receive with gratitude and develop a deeper understanding of its value. They also display considerable creativity in their play. For our children in more affluent areas relying on their own creative resources is not necessary at times. Appreciation and gratitude can be harder lessons to learn. Families are highly influential in this area.

If a family demonstrates restraint and self management, this is a lesson well taught to a child.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Finding happiness isn't in the material things in life.

Feeling sorry is important but within reason.

Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.

This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.

Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.

These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.

Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.

• As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.

• If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.

• Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.

• At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a  positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.

Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.

Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.

Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.

Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

Checking in on the happiness level of your family.

When the family gathers, is there an air of happiness?  Families that seem happy and enjoy each other's company tend to talk more together, are certainly noisier and from my observation seem to have a well developed ability and interest in listening to each other. They seem more tolerant of each other's vulnerable sides and will often find humour in the various habits and patterns that members of the family adopt.

We should never underestimate that being happy is actually a strength and that seeing the world in a positive light can set the scene for a family to work out of a positive disposition.

When emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment dominate a parent's disposition, any wonder that the child will close down their communication and develop coping skills around the parent.  Such negative emotions can also be seen by the child as a use of power against themselves.

Children sense very easily what buttons will trigger negative emotions in their parents. They will also develop their own ability to get their needs met and sometimes this involves going around the parent.

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child. It is quite compulsive. People like being around such people and so too children. Of course life presents challenges and when a parent feels less likely to be optimistic, happy to engage and positive, it is best to let your child know.

“Today I feel not at my best. I have some things on my mind and tomorrow will be a better day.”

This is all about alerting your child when to best approach them for advice etc. It also reduces confusion for the child who knows you as a happy, positive person.

Keeping the happy levels of the family at a high  level should be a focus for parents. Laugh together and enjoy hearing the delights of each other's experiences. Go into conversation with a positive approach. Find warmth and humour in what they have to tell you. Use affirming language and avoid down language.

 “I had so much shopping to do today. Wow. I felt like a donkey carrying all those groceries. I think I looked like a donkey too with my sore back.”

Down language could be:

 “I had so much shopping to do today. It was heavy and my back is so sore”

The use of positive language does not undermine the message but creates a positive aspect to how it is expressed.

If children hear such positive inflection in their parent's conversation they will respond positively themselves and certainly be less cautious in talking to their parents, feeling emotionally much safer.

In working with children, they would sometimes tell me that they would choose not to talk about certain topics to their parents as it made their parents angry. They would be selective in what and how they expressed themselves.

 Try some of the following to lighten the load and brighten the day.

• Smile often when talking.

• Have a warm tone in your conversation.

• Use a gentle calm voice at all times. Sometimes, when they talk about their day have a laugh and join in the story.

• Applaud their strengths with confidence and warm thoughts.

 Some parents have affectionate titles for their children which makes the child feel good.

 “Thanks speedy. I always get it on time.”

 “Hey handsome pass me the spoon.”

Tell jokes to each other. The children love joke telling. I know of one family who have a very bad book of jokes but the family have a joke sharing time each week. This is great fun. Tell them your rate of happiness.

 “Today I feel ten out of ten in being just happy. What is your number?”

The message to the child is that taking on a positive happy disposition, enlivens the space in which you live. You are telling them that when I feel happy, the world is a better place, come and join me!

                                 “The secret of a long life,

                                     LAUGHTER.

                                 The secret of a long-lasting relationship

                                  laughing together.....”

~ tinybuddha.com

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child.

The difference each child makes.

How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.

The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.

In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.

Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and  demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.

 The key is for parents to keep in mind:

• Every child is unique.

• Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.

• I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.

• I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.

• I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.

• I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.

• Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.

• I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.

• Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.

• We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.

• Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.

• Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.

When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.

We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.

Every child is unique.

Celebrate the differences in the family.

Just how unique is your family? Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. In the busy life of families, we tend to do more of the same at times and each child will naturally react differently to what is put in front of them. Families often act as a regimented group, it's more efficient that way. What we need to remind ourselves of occasionally is the unique nature of each child. What you notice as different can be a great skill or developing strength.

When working with children who felt vulnerable, it was not uncommon to hear them comment on how they see themselves as different from their siblings. Sometimes, this difference causes problems with the family as it does not fit in with expectations. They perceive their strengths or differences as problem areas. These differences can often just be the child's perceptions or viewpoints or interests.  The trick is to recognise their differences and to acknowledge them wherever possible.

Some children are vocal and express themselves strongly, others are more reserved and reflective. Some children show very visible aptitude in certain areas, others take on a calmer, steadier way of being. It is not about placing a value judgement on the child, but rather recognising their uniqueness.

“I just love the way you organise your room. You are certainly a very neat person. A great quality to have in life and a great example to our family.”

“I wish I could sing as well as you. Your voice is strong and unique in our family”

“Our family is amazing. John is excellent at Maths and your strength is very evident in story writing. We are all so different. I just love all the wonderful strengths we bring to this family.”

Note here how we refer to all the gifts and strengths that the family has and how it strengthens the whole family. Within your family celebrate all the differences which make for a tapestry of family gifts.

Consider:

• Catching them out when you notice their differences.

• Invite your child to talk about the things that they do well.

• Comment on spontaneous behaviour which displays their uniqueness, especially in front of the rest of the family.

• Encourage each child to comment on what they notice about the other siblings.

• Have a brag sheet on the fridge. This is about highlighting characteristics of the child which you want to celebrate across the week.

 It is about creating a family culture that applauds differences and celebrates each person's uniqueness.

Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated

Parents are different and that's OK

Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.

Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.

As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.

Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.

This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.

As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.

Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.

Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.

Both parents could practice the following:

• Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.

• Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.

The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.

When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.

It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.

The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.

Do you have different parenting styles?

Bedtime can be tricky.

Who likes going to bed? Do I hear a resounding “yes” from tired parents or a reluctant “no” as there is so much to do when the child has gone to bed. Bedtime is a tricky and difficult time for some families. If you are a family with strong, regular  routine and a fair amount of house discipline, you may find this not an issue. However, many families due to the various ages of children in the family, the variable nature of the week etc. struggle in finding that this is the best part of their day!

It was quite obvious in the school setting that some children needed more sleep than others, some went to bed with ease and anticipation and others were quite often dozing in the afternoon. You certainly do not need a lecture from me as I also struggled with this issue as a busy parent.

When working with children, I noticed that those students who liked routine and order were often able to adjust to sleeping at the same time each night according to their parents. Camps proved this as some children despite all the noise and excitement were asleep by 8:00p.m!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body. Consider the following ideas that may help some families in establishing reasonable patterns with regard to bedtime.

•  Have a family meeting at the beginning of the week and look at the plans for that week. Discuss what time is agreed upon to go to bed each night. This may vary a little subject to family demands.

• Discuss what bedtime looks like for each child. Is it reading for half an hour, listening to music etc? It may be different for each child subject to age and interests. Also daylight saving may present different challenges for bedtime arrangements.

• Set up a chart perhaps on the fridge and agree to tick off each day after everyone has honoured the arrangements.

• If the night before was successful remember to affirm everyone for their efforts. If not so successful gently discuss what prevented the plan from working well.

Parents should also put their plans in place and use the chart to show the children how important it is to reflect on how much sleep they are getting each night.

Check the environment in which the the child is sleeping. Are there too many lights to distract them set up around the house. This also applies to noise around the house at bedtime.

Sometimes children do need a soft light to assist in sleeping. This is all about discussing with them what makes them comfortable at bedtime. Respecting each child's feelings about sleep is important so that they understand you are listening as a parent to their concerns.

Also note that if the child is highly active before bed this could delay their ability to settle. Consider how to slow down the house stimulation before bedtime. Some parents find turning down lights is helpful to calm the home environment.

Whilst we all desire the routine and regularity of bedtime, I believe it is best to make it a weekly family discussion so that everyone is aware that regular sleep is valued in the family.

We are all working towards maintaining the best situation possible under the pressures of the week.

Happy sleeping!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

Capture the moment and savour the experience.

If you read anything about Mindfulness you will learn that it is about finding peace and harmony in the moment. As parents we are fanatically busy rearing our children, providing for their lifestyle and planning for the future. Everything will be better if we just..... or when we just .....

It was quite a common conversation to have with parents who were always working towards ensuring their child's future was going to be a great one.

“We are busy this week as we are planning for …......”

Do we ever get the chance to stop and savour an actual moment with our child. They are growing mentally, physically, emotionally and intellectually at a very fast pace. Just look at the photos you take from month to month.  Just reflect on your older children and ask yourself where have the years flown?

This blog is simply an encouragement to stop and smell the roses.

When your child is simply being themselves just stop and enjoy. Perhaps linger longer as you reflect on their childish ways. We don't need to wait for the cute moments and capture them on camera. Just enjoy the beauty of your child in the moment. Be mindful of their presence as they settle into you for a cuddle or settle into bed with a book. How about just observing them play? Sometimes, they are just present being themselves in whatever way that is at that moment.

Think about the beauty that you have in your life through their existence and savour that moment.

The days, weeks and years go quickly.  It is about seizing the moment. You will feel better for the experience and start building a beautiful image of your child.

Sometimes, through adversity comes this simple appreciation of things. When a child is very ill and then recovers, we really begin to appreciate the presence and joy of that child.

Try not to get trapped in negative memories or to stay unhappily focused on negative behaviour for too long. Just to enjoy the simple joy of your child is being mindful of their presence.

Consider the following ideas to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.

• Every day plan to just be present with them for a moment and think about how special that is for you. If you do this daily, it will start to become a  habit and it will start positively changing how you process through problems with your child.
• Take photos and proudly display them. Personally reflect on each scene for a minute and enjoy that moment you shared together.
• Choose a special time of the day which you share together. This could be at bedtime, in the car, at meal times etc. On these occasions, just reflect on what your child is saying or doing. Just stop and listen deeply for a moment. Shut out the distractions around and just be present for that moment. Some parents then like to write  down their thoughts and it begins to form a journal of beautiful self reflections on your child.

Laughter is a great experience to share. Try to find some time when you simply laugh together. One of my greatest fans was my grandmother. I have a lasting image of her dancing around the kitchen with a tea towel on her head. I cherish that image as it so vivid in my mind. When I think of her this image often comes to mind. It is a happy warm image, a snapshot of a remarkable woman in my life.

We all practise the art of stopping movies in between scenes. Consider that we are doing this with our daily experience. You are capturing moments on our emotional lens and savouring the scene. Don't press the play button too soon!

Consider some ideas in this article to help with this process of just simply enjoying your child.