Giving children a real sense of Christmas

This is a time of giving and there is so much advertising around the shops, television etc. that can cloud one’s thinking and destroy the balance of giving and receiving.

This is also a time to be teaching our children about the gift of generosity and the spirit of Christmas which is about giving of oneself generously. 

Schools will be getting ready to close for the school year and will be farewelling their children, putting closure on their times together and reflecting on how this year has presented its challenges and opportunities. Certainly, a time for our own children to reflect on what they have learnt from yet another strange cycle of school life, lockdowns etc.

Despite all the ups and downs when we come around to Christmas it is an opportunity to demonstrate the value of giving, sharing and being inclusive in so many ways. In a strange way, having had such challenges personally this year, should teach our children the exceptional value of Christmas as it is all about simply coming together and connecting.

Consider the following thoughts that may help as we get closer to school closure and reflect on the message of Christmas.

• Tap in with your child and ask how they are farewelling their class. Talk about being inclusive with parties and acknowledging everyone as Christmas is not “bah humbug” but about everyone.

• Talk about Scrooge in the story of The Christmas Story. This character by nature of his mean attitude suffered loneliness as he was so self-centred and ended up lonely and isolated. This story just invites thoughts about those children in the class who are less included. The more we use opportunities to talk about inclusivity and wellbeing for all, the better we disperse the Christmas spirit. This year, particularly is a reminder about isolation and loneliness. Our children can now easily identify with that feeling after so much isolation in their own life.

• Some families choose to connect to a well-recognised charity at Christmas time. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about the charities that do such good work at Christmas time.

• Check in with your child’s teacher to see if there are any unresolved issues that need discussion or follow up. Given the unusually short school term, some children may need special closure on different aspects of school.  Never underestimate it is the same for all children.

• In talking with your child about the school year, tap in to any anxiety that may be there about starting a new grade in 2022. Less school contact hours in the previous year can make some children anxious about being successful. They may feel concerned about beginning again after such an interrupted year. This particularly applies to those children who worry about being correct all the time. Think about how change effects your child.

• As news evolves about shifting patterns with the Covid pandemic, ensure that you inform your children well about the status quo. They need frequent, accurate information that is age appropriate and always tempered with a sense of hope. You are their best source of being well informed and feeling safe.

 Let’s see the approach of school closure and Christmas as an opportunity for families to plan, rest, recovery and renew a sense of hope and faith in our world that needs stability, reassurance and joy for our children. Families are a key factor in giving our children hope for their future. Christmas is a perfect time for families to take stock and renew that gift of hope.

“For it is in giving that we receive.”

St Francis of Assisi

The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go

Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation.  When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.

Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.

• By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.

• Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.

• It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.

• To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.

• Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.

• Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.

• Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.

• Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.

• Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.

• Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.

Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.

‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.

But being negative will guarantee you won’t.

                                                       -Jon Gordon

If you wish to change behaviour, be prepared to change yourself

We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.

• A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.

• When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.

‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’

Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.

‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’

 Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.

The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.

‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’

Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.

Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.

‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’

There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.

‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’ 

Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.

‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’

-Jim Rohn

What to throw out from our lockdown days

• Fear. We have lived in a confined spaces for such a long time and have been listening with intent to all the changes, case loads of the pandemic and death consequences. It is now time to throw it all out. Too much focus on the negative is soul destroying. Time to throw it all out and focus on the things to look forward too. Pack up all the negative thoughts and strategically throw it out. Watch it fall into an abyss and walk away.

• Did you arrange your house to suit the lockdown situation? Perhaps you rearranged furniture to accommodate the children’s learning. Consider your house arrangements. Maybe its time to brighten it up with a sense of Spring and readiness for simply getting on with life. How about some flowers each week to brighten the house and put in a sense of hope? Let’s see the house as a place to feel good and a sign of real change.

• Are there old newspapers, articles etc. in the house that simply talk about the state of the pandemic? Discard immediately so that children will not casually read negative thoughts about the pandemic. Watch the current news as well as it can drag us back into reflecting on what we have just been through. Be selective about what the children watch.

• When talking about the pandemic, talk positively about the high vaccine numbers and the great achievements we have made in managing the situation and developing a vaccine so quickly. Children need to feel reassured that their world is a hopeful place.

• Did you develop any habits during lockdown that now need to be discarded? For example, I heard about afternoon drinks to ease the long days. Also how about eating habits that developed to cope with the depressing situation. Now is the time to throw out all that artificially satisfied you during lockdown. They were short term fixers that ultimately do not satisfy. Out they go!

• Do you notice how you wore a certain uniform in lockdown? The same clothes, no variation and how much easier was it to look after yourself. Out the door goes that lack of personal care. Bring out the colour and variation in the wardrobe and don’t forget some glitter. It’s time to invigorate your true self.

• Over lockdown our phone ran hot. We connected to people in order to keep mentally active and engaged with people. Now its time to reduce phone bills and actually visit people. Being physically present around people demands a lot more of us than a phone call in pyjamas at ten o’clock in the morning.

Now is the time to have a good mental clean out and refresh our thinking and inject hope into our future.

‘Stay positive. Better days are on their way.’

What to keep from our lockdown experience?

Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.

Feeling better about yourself

Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing?  Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.

The value of personal time

Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.

What have you learnt about yourself?

Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.

The development of new family habits

Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.

What have you really learnt about your child?

As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.

The joy of keeping life simple

Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!

 Keep a record of what you want to cherish

Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.

Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style

After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.

Keeping the connection strong and constant

The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.

 The value of deeper listening

With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.