A check in now that school is back

Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.

However, let’s consider a few facts.  Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.

Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19

• Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.

• Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.

• Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed?  Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?

• Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?

• Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.

• Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.

• Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.

• Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.

• Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.

• The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.

What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.

As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.

Are you very opiniated in your views?

You may well ask what has this to do with rearing our children? Stop and think for a minute with regard to how you express your opinions. Children will pick up quickly if you have and demonstrate strong, loud opinions with little room for negotiation. Some people have a tendency to be quite vocal and passionate about their beliefs and opinions. It is easier to express yourself that way in the comfort of your home where you have no adult audience to listen to or an audience to respond too. We often behave more loosely in the comfort and security of our home where we feel more secure.

Children who have parents with strong opinions that are easily expressed will often respond by simply being quiet.

Whilst I appreciate that this is an environment to be yourself and express your opinions, I invite you to think about the set of little ears listening to your reactive behaviour to issues. Children who have parents with strong opinions that are easily expressed will often respond by simply being quiet. This is a protective means of not getting caught up in cross fire and not challenging what appears to be a strong force in the house. A child learns early to keep their opinions and beliefs to themselves. This is a form of self-protection. The question I pose here is do we want our children to feel they can offer opinions that have value and can be considered in the family discussions?

Children who appear confused about this will go directly to other sources to express their opinion or seek advice which is not reactionary to what they have to say.

When working with children in the school setting, children would often comment on how more satisfying it was to talk to their friends about matters, as parents were too strong in their opinions. They enjoyed feeling heard and felt some empowerment in others listening and approving of their beliefs. They believed that when they didn’t understand something, they felt more comforted to talk to friends rather than getting the full entourage of opinion and attitude from parents. This is often the case as the child approaches adolescence and seeks to have a voice of their own.

This article is simply to remind us that being too strong in how we express ourselves can encourage our children to shy away from talking to us about important matters.

They deserve to have their opinions heard, as well. Being loud and expressive does not always suggest that opinions are correct. A child learns this as they get older.

A child’s level of maturity will dictate how they interpret matters, but our job as parents is to understand their opinions and offer advice with an appreciation of their right to develop opinions. They are more inclined to keep approaching their parents if they feel they have a valued voice that will be understood and heard.

“Thank you for your thoughts on that matter. It sounds like you have given it some thought.”

A child will always want to go to the source of formative opinions, their parents, but the source must be one that listens and understands that a child’s growing awareness needs guidance, appreciation and support.

“Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice.”

— Steve Jobs

How predictable we can all be!

We all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!

We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?

Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.

Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:

Do you encourage your children to think differently?

• Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.

• Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.

• Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.

• If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.

• We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.

“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”

• As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.

• Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.

“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”

• Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.

This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!

“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”

— Nicolas Manetta

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

If it all gets too much!

And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.

Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:

Are there days when if is all too much?

• simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour

• find it difficult to listen to each other properly

• become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it

• lose interest in being constantly supportive

• find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning

• become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions

• use language that isn’t appropriate.

Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.

Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.

• If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.

• Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.

• Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.

• Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.

• Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.

• If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?

• Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.

Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.

Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.

Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.

Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.

Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”

— J K Rowling

Going back to school. What will it mean?

Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.

The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.

What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?

What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.

• Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.

• It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.

• If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.

“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.

• Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.

• Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.

• Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.

• Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.

• If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.

• Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.

• Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.

 We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”

— Epictetus

Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

The power of simply walking away

This is a great strategy to use in difficult times. We are all living in confined spaces for some time. This is the new norm. We are all trying to reinvent a situation in the home that works for all involved from the youngest to the oldest. Whoever thought that such a confined and prolonged situation would happen?

Well it certainly has and whilst we have to recreate, we also need to recognise our trigger points and all the various aspects of the day that can set us off. It is natural to be reactive in confined spaces.

This article is simply to remind us of an excellent strategy, one that is used by many people when they feel overwhelmed. This strategy works on various levels. It all about the art of simply walking away when it gets too much. This strategy works because it creates some emotional space between the incident and the feelings of heightened anger or frustration which invariably lead to an explosion.

Does this look like you at times?

Once you leave the immediacy of the situation and simply distance yourself from what has upset you, you will automatically slow down this heightened feeling. Other forms of this strategy are to avoid walking into situations when you know you will react. This is taking quite a proactive stand.

Creating the distance has a remarkable calming effect on the intensity of the problem. If the problem was a ten out of ten, now it may be an eight out of ten.

If you anticipate reacting badly to some potential situation at home, can you remove yourself for a short period to slow down your response? It really works.

In working with children, it was accepted that you never responded straight away, you allowed a moment or two to elapse which led to better outcomes in dealing with the problem. It helped to process the problem better and to prepare a more suitable response. Teachers are quite skilled in doing this as there are many times in a busy day in a crowded classroom that they can be quickly overwhelmed by a problem.

Removing yourself is effective for the following reasons.

• You are not overreacting and saying and doing things that you later regret. Keeping everything in proportion is so important.

• Creating space helps you have time to process the problem and put it into perspective. It is amazing how your brain works to recover from the heightened anger quickly when you allow that mental space.

• It allows the child to think about what has just happened and this gives them time to respond with less anxiety.

• You are generally sounding calmer and direct your comments to the child in a more acceptable way. The child is more likely to listen if the parent is in control.

• The more you train yourself to step away when feeling very upset, the more you will appreciate that the outcomes are better for all concerned.

• You are also demonstrating to your child that you need time to understand what has just occurred. You are not over judging.

Keep in mind that at all times in communication with your children you need to manage how you communicate by being in control.  When situations look precarious find ways to step away from the situation at least for a little while until you feel more in control. Whilst living around each other in confined spaces train yourself to recognise the trigger signs that set you off. Being in control will also be noticed by your children which is a calming agent for them.

This article is a simple one. It just gives us an excellent method of managing tempers that can quickly escalate.

Practice walking away in your mind and perhaps physically walking away from the situation for a moment. Be silent in voice and body. You have nothing to lose but much to gain in showing effective self-discipline in highly charged situations.

“The best answer to anger is silence.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

How do we cope with the “Me” generation child?

This is tricky. After all your child is part of their own generation feeding each other the same information and operating out of the same culture. When you associate with your own generation, it seems comfortable and right. We all experience this sensation. We all look back on our youth and reflect on how we interpreted the world. So too, the “Me” generation feel the same.

Everything is about them. They are the focus. Attention should be drawn to them for they are the key figures to be thought about. They are the key players in their life. Their needs come first. Hence the word “Me”.

After reflecting on this you must as a parent be feeling a little helpless and immediately want to rush to setting the rules and putting them duly in their place. I get it! Who doesn’t want their child to be everything they want them to be? Polite, generous spirited, intelligent etc. Not self centred and focussed on themselves. Afterall, we grew up with these concepts. Didn’t we?

This article has a twofold purpose. Firstly, it is to remind us that each generation make their mark and find their space and place in society. There is nothing wrong with that concept. We need to respect their right to be themselves, placed in society.

The second purpose is to remind you, the parent that you still have the responsibility to guide and direct your “Me” generation child. They need to operate in society with sound values and respect for others.

Putting others first before themselves can be the tricky point as one feature of the “Me” generation is to see themselves as number one before all others. As a parent you have your work cut out for you. Firstly, to understand and give them space to have their rightful place in society but also to be living in a society with others, justly and fairly.

Do you feel you’re raising the next ‘me’ generation?

Here are some thoughts to help you walk with your child comfortably through the process.

• Whilst your child will have their own friends, make sure they are exposed to people of different generations and races. Talk about their stories and the differences seen across the generations.

• In the home, ensure you have a set of family values that you cherish and live by. As a family talk about them regularly. This could include the value of listening to others, giving everyone a fair go, being empathetic to each other, waiting your turn and so the list goes. What matters to you as an effective family is the key point. When the values break down talk about them.

• Discuss how being part of groups and sharing is so important. This can happen through sports etc. Schools teach and encourage team activities that involve the art of cooperating and working as a team. Ask your child what they are learning at school about cooperation.

• Take note of what they are watching on television and social media. Ensure that there is as much balance as possible in their viewing. It certainly needs to be well monitored by you, the parent. The more you can encourage them to view screening time in your presence, the better.

• When watching programs together point out the values you have noticed through story. Of course, this is done well when reading books to your child.

• Keep an eye on the priorities within the family. Are you finding enough quality time together? Check in on this regularly. It can easily be watered down.

• Do you as a family talk together, share meals together, play and laugh together? All of these should be given a priority in a busy family. This may mean reducing other activities or changing patterns.  This is best done in discussion with your child. Families that work together, stay together and engage on a much higher level as a family. The desire to be family grows stronger with a child when they feel happy.

These ideas are all about stabilising your child’s life which will be caught up with so many options and values.

I understand a child must learn about their own society which involves interacting with each other and being a legitimate member of their “Me” group.

The more exposure to strong stable influences in their life, particularly their family, the greater propensity they will have for making informed choices based on considering others and not just themselves. Being a member of the “Me” generation can still include the need to think of “Others.”

“Life affords no greater respect, no greater privilege than the raising of the next generation. ”

— C Everett Koop

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost

Keeping you the parent well and healthy makes for a happier child

Most important! Your health as a parent under all the stress that is current is an important factor in keeping the home fires burning well. The old saying, “if mamma ain’t right, the whole family ain’t right” has some truth in it.

Walking through depleted shops, listening to the current news is enough to fester feelings of being very sad and in some cases sets off depression.

Rising above this and maintaining all that you do in the life of the family is a big ask for anyone.

Of course, here we are advising you how to look after your family during such a crisis and forgetting to mention that your mental and physical health takes a high priority. The question you ask is how can I maintain my own sanity and feel capable in managing the family during these demanding times?

The answer is not simple but it does draw on your own ability to be a little selfish and put yourself first.

Can you do any of the following?

A healthier and happier parent makes for a happier child.

• Take an occasional walk. Some people just use a shopping centre as a place to leisurely walk. Walking can be so invigorating. Of course, the greener the environment, the more uplifting is the spirit.

• Can you listen to music while working?

• Do you have an activity that you really love and feel better after completing? Is it possible to find space for this in your busy life?

• Can you read at night? Is this a relaxing time for you?

• How about a treat? Some mums just love a facial, bath, spa etc something which soothes the soul.

• How about stopping and having coffee and cake just on your own.

• Do you enjoy reading the newspaper, magazines etc?

• Exercising at home to video clips, music etc. gives you the exercise and the mental space. This is also great fun to do with your child.

• How about being in regular contact with special friends and assuring regular communication to feel good and have a laugh.

Focus on the positive in your life and keep those happy feelings alive in you.

The trick here is to set aside time for yourself. It does not have to be a lot of time. In fact, intermittent breaks are very relaxing and rewarding. It just needs to be built into your weekly routines. You need to recognise its value and appreciate that if you are more self-aware and mentally rested, you project a much calmer and reassuring image in the family. Also, you are much happier in yourself.

There is no one way of being and feeling relaxed. Valuing yourself enough to recreate in some way is the key. It is about recognising that your well being influences your children and those around you.

However, in saying that, I stress that your motivation in seeking a space should be more about nurturing yourself. If you come from that awareness you are more inclined to honour it. Also, your child grows to understand that nurturing yourself, the parent is a healthy way to live.

There is the requirement here of some self-discipline. In your busy world, discipline yourself to focus on you for a short time.

Remember, “if mamma is right the whole family is right!”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. ”

— Martin Luther

Encourage “stepping outside the norm”

We often go directly to the predictable. Many of the activities that we provide for our children, including engagement in sports, are excellent and provide the child with new sets of skills, encouraging them to be collaborative on sport fields etc. This is all positive!

This article suggests that sometimes encouraging children to look for difference and to explore activities or opportunities that take them out of their comfort zones. By looking through Alice’s mirror, we encourage them to take a few more risks and to explore things that are different from the normal. It is about conditioning our children to look for different and this may mean taking a few risks and experimenting with some failure built-in as well. It also gives children an appetite for finding different ways of enjoying themselves, rather than sticking to the predictable, the regular and the safe route.

This may mean that we as parents are also taken on a new journey, but stretching a child’s delight in trying on new ways of being and doing is very healthy.

For example, consider your child learning sport unfamiliar to the family. Perhaps table tennis, chess, volleyball etc. It is all about reaching out to find some different ways to learn.

Also, when you are driving home can your child think of new ways to go home. Try experimenting and discussing the new route. What do you discover along the way?

Here we are encouraging a child to look at the world from bigger, bolder eyes. Who knows what they may discover in the unknown?

Consider the following suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child.

Suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child and stepping outside the norm.

• If you are using google to find directions home with your child experiment without the google and see what you learn. Of course, you may need the luxury of time for this experience.

• When your child sits and enjoys art activities, encourage them to use different pens, perhaps only use tearing rather than scissors. This is all about exposing them to different ways of doing things.

• If your child learns an instrument encourage them to practice in different spaces around the house. This may create different effects and sounds etc.

• When you shop with your child, suggest different foods to try and talk about the experimentation of flavours. Naturally cooking is a wonderful time for learning about different flavours, cooking styles etc.

• Your child will be developing a sense of dress overtime. Encourage them to be bold and try on different looks. Affirm their efforts in looking different. Take care not to direct your child into choosing items. Let them think freely.

• When you play games with your child that are formal activities, can the rules be different? Talk about different strategies you use in playing games. Experiment with different games that require the child to think differently.

• Discuss with your child how to set up their room. Encourage them to vary the design and see what difference it makes to light, sleep etc.

• If you are planning to purchase a pet, how about considering a less predictable one such as a turtle etc. to learn about how they live.

• Sometimes choose books to read that are away from what your child generally reads. This gives them exposure to different authors and themes.

These are simply ideas to introduce variance into your experiences with your child. Be an opportunist and seek out occasions where you can present options and challenges in thinking to your child. Let them learn from you that looking for different and new ways of being is a positive thing to do.

Of course, familiarity and predictabilities are quite important for a child’s stability and feeling of being safe. However, sometimes just taking them out of the ordinary, encourages a creative shift in thinking.  

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

— Walt Streightiff

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less than ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

Practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated over time. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being couped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouraging letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play-dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on an institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in charge of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

               “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,

 “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also, teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how to learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh homegrown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tie-dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress-up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself? Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather than texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

Sometimes we are caught on the hop. Have you ever experienced the pressure of children asking an important question and not having the where-with-all to answer? At the moment with so much anxiety around the community, it would be quite normal for a child to ask questions around what is happening at the moment.

Here a series of responses that you may find helpful when answering questions by your child that are really about their security and emotional safety in these difficult times.

These are sentence starters that you may find useful.

12 sentence starters to help answer your child's questions about Coronavirus

• That’s a good question. The virus will make people sick and we take precautions to keep ourselves feeling well.

• Remember that even though we hear some sad stories that can make us frightened, I am here for you and will keep you safe. That’s my job.

• Once we know more about how to treat the virus, we will be able to help people quickly.

• We can help by listening to what the Government wants us to do. They are advised by experienced doctors.

• Yes, everything seems to shut down and it all seems quieter. That is a good sign as we are saying “no” to the virus which spreads when we are too close.

• Being a little scared is normal as this is something new and we are all learning about it. I am here to learn with you.

• I can hear that you are anxious about the virus. Let’s sit down and talk about all the great things that are making us starting to control the virus.

• I love the way you read the signs on the door of the shops. You are being so responsible.

• Mummy and daddy are here for you and will give some guidance on how to be safe.

• When you have any strong feelings just let me know and together, we can work on them.

• I sometimes feel sad about the virus too. We can feel sad together and talk about how we will get on top of it.

• We have to be a distance from people. At home we are family and can be close.

Keep in mind that children are focussed on the present, so the day to day situations are more prevalent in their mind rather than the future.

Be prepared for some questions and when answering give some reassurance and hope.

Smiling and maintaining a happy disposition make such a difference to a child who relies on you feeling secure. Your disposition and careful answering of questions will have a big impact on reducing stress.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— goodparentingbrighterchildren

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human

Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!

It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.

A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.

When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.

By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.

When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.

“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”

By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.

It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.

Consider the following thoughts:

• A child deserves the truth.

• Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.

• If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?

• You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.

• Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.

• By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.

The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.

You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.

“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”

— Howard G Hendricks. parentii.com