The proactive approach for our children is the right way to go

Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation.  When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.

Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.

• By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.

• Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.

• It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.

• To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.

• Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.

• Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.

• Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.

• Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.

• Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.

• Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.

Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.

‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.

But being negative will guarantee you won’t.

                                                       -Jon Gordon

Dealing with the put downs

Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.

If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.

The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.

“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”

“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”

“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”

These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive.  In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.

It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:

• Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.

• Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….

“I am disappointed when…”

“I am unhappy when…”

“I do not like your behaviour when…”

Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.

• Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.

• From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.

In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.

The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.

 “I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”

  “I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”

Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.

However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.

Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

— Stephen Covey

How to deal with outbursts of anger.

Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:

‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’

Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.

When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:

‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’

Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.

• Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.

• When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.

• You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.

• Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.

• An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.

• Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.

• Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.

Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— ~

Asking for help, is an important tool in learning

Are you the person that always asks for help? Some children naturally ask, even though they may not have thought through what they are asking. This, for some, can simply be a habit. Other children can be slower in asking for help and others may not ask for help due to shyness, embarrassment, fear of looking like a failure, etc. Not getting into the habit of asking questions, can be dangerously habit forming and we want our children to hear their voice in the classroom when questions are asked.

Whatever the category your child falls into, all children need to ask for help in the classroom and learn that asking for help is natural and to be expected in developing an inquiring mind. Once a child becomes an adolescent, they need to have conquered their fears to ask for help, otherwise, it can become an academic and social minefield.

Teachers carefully monitor those children who remain silent and work very calmly and skilfully to bring their voice into the harmony of all the classroom when questions are asked. A teacher will respect the quiet child, but work to get their questions and voice out in the open.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more. By asking questions our children are wanting to explore concepts for themselves and make sense of what they don’t understand.

 At home, you can support your child to ask questions in the following ways.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more

• Ask a lot of questions yourself. Demonstrate to your child that asking questions gives you the knowledge you need to feel satisfied.

• When together as a family, have a game of asking questions. This can be a great game in the car and the importance here is to invite questions about some information. The game of ‘I spy’ is a popular one.

• Ask your child about how they gain information in the class. Do they ask questions? Are they comfortable asking questions? Do they feel asking questions helps them learn?  If this is a problem,

• Talk to your child’s teachers about how best to assist your child.

• Once a week around the table ask the children to simply ask questions. This can be around a topic, a picture etc. the importance is simply to practice asking questions.

We are aiming for our children to recognise that asking questions is a normal part of solving problems. It should be to a child a natural process this is used in building knowledge.

“The important thing is to not stop questioning.”

— Albert Einstein

Teaching your children to be planners

Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.

Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.

There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.

Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.

Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.

They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.

When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.

Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.

• Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?

• There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?

• Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?

• What resources do you use in planning?

• When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.

• When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.

• Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.

A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.

“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’

                             -Josef Albers”

— Quote Source

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

The value of teaching about choice

Our children should learn that making choices is a very powerful tool in making sound informed decisions in life. Of course, we can make choices that do not give the outcome we expect and can of course lead to failure. However, making such a choice is also a valuable learnt experience.

Making choices begins to define our character. It aligns us in certain directions and it can be a turning point on many directions. Our children make choices all the time. The key point here is to teach them that making choices is a powerful statement to others of who they are and what they value. We also learn to own our choices and to understand that what we choose should be seen proactively.

Here are some thoughts on helping children understand that choices influence and direct their world:

• Talk about some choices you may have made over the years. Some were very successful and perhaps others required a rethink and reset.

• Teach your child that making a choice is a privilege. We can make decisions but they will be owned and lived through by yourself.

• When discussing optional matters that can be chosen remind them that the choice they make should be one from which they grow and learn. It should be a proactive and mature choice that leads to a healthy outcome. They must own the outcome and not regret it but move forward no matter what. There is no blame when you choose to make a choice.

Classrooms have many occasions when children make choices. This is especially the case when working on projects. Teachers encourage them to think through their choice such that they will gain the knowledge and learning they want from the exercise. Here teachers are encouraging them to think through the choices they make.

Parents should plan to set up a working relationship with their children which does give them many occasions to make choices. The more you can encourage this, the quicker they develop independent thinking and begin to be selective in their planning. As a parent delaying their ability to make choices delays their interest in self-management. We want our children to have the confidence to make choices fully aware of their actions and aware that they own the outcome.

Slow and steady support in this area will give our children the confidence to be independent thinkers, enlightened and well-rounded individuals.

‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.’

                      -Alfie Kohn

“The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.”

— Alfie Kohn

Fight, flight or go with the flow.

Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.

Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.

Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.

Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.

Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?

Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.

Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.

 Consider:

• When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.

• Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.

• Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.

• If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.

• Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.

“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”

— Gurubogsa

Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow

Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.

Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension. 

Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.

 A few tips:

• Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?

• Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?

• Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.

• When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.

• Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.

Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.

It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.

“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”

— Robert Eliot

Schools are all about problem solving

Do you like problem-solving?  Schools are all about problem-solving. Children are invited to pose questions and go through a process of exploring optional ways of learning about the matter. You could say that it is quite open-ended and some people who are more closed in the way they work feel that inviting questions is not the best way to learn. Whatever your thoughts, education is all about making inquiries and investigating and probing into issues. We are encouraging our children to be problem solvers, to accept that there are various ways to look at a problem and various ways to explore options.

As parents, this is an opportunity to support the child’s learning by being someone who doesn’t put all the answers in front of the child. Your role is to explore questions with your child. Asking questions and together reflecting on different ways to look at a problem. You have many opportunities as a parent to share in this method of teaching children.

Consider:

Schools, problem solving in The Primary Years

• When you are together in the car this is a great time to explore ideas together perhaps about what you see outside.

• Read some content of the newspaper to your child. Discuss some topic that lends itself to being seen from many angles.

• Plan to have a weekly family discussion on some controversial matter. Remember to give your child ample opportunity to respond with ideas. If you watch some news together there is plenty of content there for discussion and general inquiry.

• Tune into some of the work the child is doing at school that may involve a project on some topic. Notice how there are many questions being posed about that topic. Here you can join in with some ideas of your own.

• In engaging with your child through an inquiry approach to ensure that you value their opinions and ask about their sources of information. After all, questioning leads to quite a lot of researching.

• When you see the research that your child is doing on a set topic, tune in with some question’s about the nature of the research and how it fits into the whole topic.

• With younger children, you can still explore with them many of the questions that they ask on a regular basis. They love the question…

“Why?”

This is a chance to explore different answers together.

These thoughts are simply to help parents tune into the nature of the inquiry approach which is all about showing an investigative attitude to all areas of learning. The more we question, the more we explore optional ways of looking at situations and problems.

“Questions are the engines of intellect. The cerebral machines which convert energy to motion, to curiosity, to controlled inquiry.”

— David Hackett Fischer

How does the punishment fit the crime?

In our tricky world, appropriate consequences for poor behaviour, are hard to resolve. Given the intense time we are placed in with our children there will be occasions when we need to correct their behaviour. We need incredible tolerance and understanding under the circumstances, even though we are under so much personal pressure.

When we live in a confined space together and have to create our own new world, this will come with unusual tensions which do not demand a familiar response. What is normal in these situations? There is no familiar formula.

I would be recommending not considering punishment to fit the crime, but rather reflecting on how the child is coping with the tensions and how best to respond. Consider the following suggestions in talking to your child when their behaviour is out of control and your ability to manage the situation is at a low.

“I am upset that this has happened. How can we best deal with it?”

“I find that things are difficult at the moment, please find a solution to help me get on top of this problem.”

“I am angry that this has happened and I am finding it difficult, what can we do to solve this problem?”

“My ability to handle this situation is not great at the moment we will deal with it later.”

All these responses are about acknowledging behavioural problems, not overreacting, yet demonstrating a need to talk it through and resolve the matter. It gives you the personal space to take away the anger and think about how to respond in a fair and reasonable way at a later date.

Quick aggressive responses do require a fair bit of comeback and can-do considerable damage to fragile relationships.

Whilst I appreciate that through active listening and understanding the problem, there may still need to be consequences. I am however, advising that in a confined situation for a prolonged time it will require both parties to have tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences. We are in a new norm and this is taking its toll on everyone. It requires us as parents to think differently in managing our children.  Abiding by “old thinking” will not be the answer for supporting children in this unique situation. Tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, turning a blind eye, etc. are helpful tools in moving forward in some situations.

The parent needs to show intuition, wisdom and discernment in finding solutions to inappropriate behaviour often driven by extremely different circumstances for all parties. This is where you, the parent take ownership of managing the situation well.

“You have to think a little smarter, be proactive not reactive.”

— Frank Abagnale

In these stressful times, we need tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences.

Who wants to be the perfect parent?

That can be quite exhausting and as you already know I’m sure your children will ask many questions about all sorts of matters. Once the questioning starts it can be overwhelming and having all the answers can be difficult. Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be perfect! In fact, not knowing all the answers is an advantage.

The natural curiosity of children is quite special and I understand that as a parent we want to ensure that they are given as much information as possible. We want to encourage their curiosity and stimulate their thinking.

Of course, they will seek you out at a young age as the source of all knowledge which is wonderful!. They will trust your judgement and believe that what you tell them is the truth. This holds you in a very privileged position. In their eyes, you are the bearer of all truth and knowledge. Now how does that make you feel? Well at least responsible for treating their inquiries with respect and being honest in your answers.

This article is about supporting the questions asked by your children with truth and with honesty. This is the case when you especially do not know the answer.

It is best to be open and suggest that together you will find out about their concern.

“Thanks for asking me about how birds fly. That is a big question and let’s look up the information together’.

Here you are teaching your child that making an inquiry is acceptable and that there are ways of finding out the information together.

This is a much better response than creating an answer without validity.

Do you feel you have to be on hand answering every question perfectly?

If your child is asking questions about values and morality this is a whole separate field which involves personal views and opinions. There is information to learn but also given the value-laden nature of such questions, you can declare your opinions in a proper manner.

“I can see you are interested in understanding more about birth control. Let’s find out the different ways of managing it.”

Here you can offer your opinion. When you offer your opinions take care not to enforce your beliefs. They are more likely to be understood and accepted if you talk about them openly and without emotion. Remember, you are modelling how to learn about information so that bias and prejudice do not appear in the conversations. A child will listen with more interest and intent if your interpretation is fair and reasonable.

“Here is the information on capital punishment. Some people are very opposed to this as I am and If you like I can give you my reasons”.

Here you invite the child to hear your opinions. This has more impact especially on teaching the child about taking a balanced approach to some issues.

The beauty of sharing information together also teaches the child that you are a learner and have an inquiring approach to finding out answers. You are not threatened by new knowledge and are prepared to look at all sides of the issue.

Here are a few thoughts on helping your child with questions.

• Be quick to look up the information together. If you are busy suggest saying:

“I don’t know the answer but later when I have time, we can look it up on the internet.”

• Follow through with all questions. Sometimes only simple responses are necessary, especially with younger children. Longer explanations can sometimes get lost in their little minds.

• To keep them still asking you the questions talk about how you like to find out facts and share some new insights you have learnt with your child.

Questioning is such a natural part of growing up. The more a child feels secure in asking you questions, the more they will come to you with their queries no matter how controversial. The more you present an open mind to learning new information, the more your child understands that asking questions is a natural way to learn.

“Life is an unanswered question but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.”

— Tennessee Williams

What is lying all about?

No one likes to feel that they have been lied to. There is something quite sinister and uncomfortable when we hear that someone has lied to you. Certainly, trust is out the door immediately!

Do you wonder why your child lies?

I want to talk about lying with children. Sometimes the word lying is not really appropriate. The younger the child, the greater the likelihood that what we think was a lie was in fact fantasy. Something made up to suit an answer that seemed to align with the question. Also, consider that younger children have no malice nor are they at all interested in being out of a relationship with you. Therefore, they will be mostly honest to the bone. A very young child sometimes chooses fantasy to solve their problems and care should be taken not to be too reactive when they fantasize why something happened.

However, there are occasions when a child feels caught in a difficult situation and does not have the where with all to escape the problem. Perhaps they are unduly fearful of the consequences in which case they will concoct a story to suit the tricky scenario in which they find themselves. The important point here is that we teach our children to feel comfortable in telling the truth and not unduly anxious that they will receive serious consequences. A child has difficulty sometimes in measuring what is serious and not serious. Our job is to lead them to tell the truth as a means of clearing up problems and moving forward.

Here are some suggestions on how to encourage your child to always tell the truth.

• Demonstrate how you are a truthful person and openly admit that sometimes you make mistakes and need to say sorry and admit to the problem.

• Talk often about how telling the truth helps everyone move on quickly from the problem.

• When your child responds quickly with truth in a difficult situation affirm their honesty and praise their courage in doing the right thing. Let them know that the problem can be quickly solved when telling the truth. It does not get more complicated.

• There are some excellent stories for young children with a Pinocchio style approach. Reading them and discussing the moral of the story is helpful.

• If a child is struggling to tell the truth encourage them gently to open up.

“I can see that you are anxious about telling me what really happened…….

             “I can wait a while if this helps you”.

“Are you worried about what I will think as I am proud that you tell me the truth?”

“When you tell the truth no matter how hard it is, I am so proud of your courage.”

• When you notice how other people are quick to tell the truth, talk about how the problem doesn’t get more complicated.

• Pick up on the little occasions when your child made the right choice to be honest.

“Thanks for cleaning up your mess on the table.” It’s about acknowledging that they recognise problems and deal with them. Sometimes just acting on your mistake is telling the truth.

• Keep your anger and disappointment in control as often what we think is a big lie in the child’s mind can be quite small. Try to understand how your child sees the problem before reacting.

• Ensure that if there are consequences after your child tells the truth they should be fair and reasonable taking into account that your child was honest. Always follow with affirmation about their ability to respond with the truth straight away.

• A child is weaving their way through tricky situations across the day and sometimes they must make moral choices about telling the truth.

Gradually with parental guidance and gentle handling, they will come to value keeping the truth as the first priority. They will not if fear of retribution and outmoded discipline is the outcome.

We are leading them into the powerful realisation that truth sets you free.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain