Who wants to be the perfect parent?

That can be quite exhausting and as you already know I’m sure your children will ask many questions about all sorts of matters. Once the questioning starts it can be overwhelming and having all the answers can be difficult. Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be perfect! In fact, not knowing all the answers is an advantage.

The natural curiosity of children is quite special and I understand that as a parent we want to ensure that they are given as much information as possible. We want to encourage their curiosity and stimulate their thinking.

Of course, they will seek you out at a young age as the source of all knowledge which is wonderful!. They will trust your judgement and believe that what you tell them is the truth. This holds you in a very privileged position. In their eyes, you are the bearer of all truth and knowledge. Now how does that make you feel? Well at least responsible for treating their inquiries with respect and being honest in your answers.

This article is about supporting the questions asked by your children with truth and with honesty. This is the case when you especially do not know the answer.

It is best to be open and suggest that together you will find out about their concern.

“Thanks for asking me about how birds fly. That is a big question and let’s look up the information together’.

Here you are teaching your child that making an inquiry is acceptable and that there are ways of finding out the information together.

This is a much better response than creating an answer without validity.

Do you feel you have to be on hand answering every question perfectly?

If your child is asking questions about values and morality this is a whole separate field which involves personal views and opinions. There is information to learn but also given the value-laden nature of such questions, you can declare your opinions in a proper manner.

“I can see you are interested in understanding more about birth control. Let’s find out the different ways of managing it.”

Here you can offer your opinion. When you offer your opinions take care not to enforce your beliefs. They are more likely to be understood and accepted if you talk about them openly and without emotion. Remember, you are modelling how to learn about information so that bias and prejudice do not appear in the conversations. A child will listen with more interest and intent if your interpretation is fair and reasonable.

“Here is the information on capital punishment. Some people are very opposed to this as I am and If you like I can give you my reasons”.

Here you invite the child to hear your opinions. This has more impact especially on teaching the child about taking a balanced approach to some issues.

The beauty of sharing information together also teaches the child that you are a learner and have an inquiring approach to finding out answers. You are not threatened by new knowledge and are prepared to look at all sides of the issue.

Here are a few thoughts on helping your child with questions.

• Be quick to look up the information together. If you are busy suggest saying:

“I don’t know the answer but later when I have time, we can look it up on the internet.”

• Follow through with all questions. Sometimes only simple responses are necessary, especially with younger children. Longer explanations can sometimes get lost in their little minds.

• To keep them still asking you the questions talk about how you like to find out facts and share some new insights you have learnt with your child.

Questioning is such a natural part of growing up. The more a child feels secure in asking you questions, the more they will come to you with their queries no matter how controversial. The more you present an open mind to learning new information, the more your child understands that asking questions is a natural way to learn.

“Life is an unanswered question but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.”

— Tennessee Williams

What is lying all about?

No one likes to feel that they have been lied to. There is something quite sinister and uncomfortable when we hear that someone has lied to you. Certainly, trust is out the door immediately!

Do you wonder why your child lies?

I want to talk about lying with children. Sometimes the word lying is not really appropriate. The younger the child, the greater the likelihood that what we think was a lie was in fact fantasy. Something made up to suit an answer that seemed to align with the question. Also, consider that younger children have no malice nor are they at all interested in being out of a relationship with you. Therefore, they will be mostly honest to the bone. A very young child sometimes chooses fantasy to solve their problems and care should be taken not to be too reactive when they fantasize why something happened.

However, there are occasions when a child feels caught in a difficult situation and does not have the where with all to escape the problem. Perhaps they are unduly fearful of the consequences in which case they will concoct a story to suit the tricky scenario in which they find themselves. The important point here is that we teach our children to feel comfortable in telling the truth and not unduly anxious that they will receive serious consequences. A child has difficulty sometimes in measuring what is serious and not serious. Our job is to lead them to tell the truth as a means of clearing up problems and moving forward.

Here are some suggestions on how to encourage your child to always tell the truth.

• Demonstrate how you are a truthful person and openly admit that sometimes you make mistakes and need to say sorry and admit to the problem.

• Talk often about how telling the truth helps everyone move on quickly from the problem.

• When your child responds quickly with truth in a difficult situation affirm their honesty and praise their courage in doing the right thing. Let them know that the problem can be quickly solved when telling the truth. It does not get more complicated.

• There are some excellent stories for young children with a Pinocchio style approach. Reading them and discussing the moral of the story is helpful.

• If a child is struggling to tell the truth encourage them gently to open up.

“I can see that you are anxious about telling me what really happened…….

             “I can wait a while if this helps you”.

“Are you worried about what I will think as I am proud that you tell me the truth?”

“When you tell the truth no matter how hard it is, I am so proud of your courage.”

• When you notice how other people are quick to tell the truth, talk about how the problem doesn’t get more complicated.

• Pick up on the little occasions when your child made the right choice to be honest.

“Thanks for cleaning up your mess on the table.” It’s about acknowledging that they recognise problems and deal with them. Sometimes just acting on your mistake is telling the truth.

• Keep your anger and disappointment in control as often what we think is a big lie in the child’s mind can be quite small. Try to understand how your child sees the problem before reacting.

• Ensure that if there are consequences after your child tells the truth they should be fair and reasonable taking into account that your child was honest. Always follow with affirmation about their ability to respond with the truth straight away.

• A child is weaving their way through tricky situations across the day and sometimes they must make moral choices about telling the truth.

Gradually with parental guidance and gentle handling, they will come to value keeping the truth as the first priority. They will not if fear of retribution and outmoded discipline is the outcome.

We are leading them into the powerful realisation that truth sets you free.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

The changing nature of families

Just when you think everything in your family is sitting cosily, along comes change. Yes, it is true. The nature of families continues to evolve and change, as you and the children experience normal life experiences and the children start to grow. It was common at school for parents to ask how can their beautiful, innocent child that demonstrated sweetness and light suddenly become difficult and present such unattractive behaviour.

Young parents sending their first child to school were always being surprised at the changes their child was making in their first year. Suddenly the child’s exposure to so many other influences loomed loud in their life.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within.

As a family there are certain factors that drive a healthy life across all the age periods that the child and family will experience. Nothing remains constant. Families will experience changes for a variety of reasons that will influence your child’s response. For example, you may go back to work after being at home for some time. A crisis, perhaps a death or illness can have a big impact on how a family operates and how emotionally they feel. As a family there could be crisis which has major changes in the life of everyone. Schools can change, teachers can move schools suddenly, destabilising your child’s feeling of being secure. A child being ill can impact on their emotional response to situations, a new arrival appears in the family and so the list goes on.

What we are saying here is that there are several consistently sound factors that healthy families can live with comfortably, which incorporates and accepts change. Of course, a major feature of late is the adjustments we are all making with Covid 19 in our life. Let’s look at some stable aspects to a family that will help us weather the storm as our family evolves over the years.

The first thought is to accept that change is inevitable and that you welcome the change and various aspects of growth that you notice in your child. This may mean accepting some differences that challenge you as well.

As a family talk about open communication and how you welcome talking about changing ideas, beliefs and values that your child is coming across. Let them know that you respect their growth which will come with the introduction of challenging thoughts and values.

Children become quite sensitive about their friends. Welcome all types into your home. This reassures your child that you value their opinion. You may have some concerns but there are ways and means of having discussions later that do not put judgement on their choices.

As a family try different things across the years. More of the same has its value but if a child wants to try a different sport, activity etc. have ago with them in testing difference.

Compliment them on their growing awareness of life. Sometimes children become anxious to express a different opinion in the house. Welcome and invite different opinions with your children. This leads to healthy, open discussion. Merely enforcing your values only limits the conversation. It certainly doesn’t mean that they will adopt your values in the longer term.

If and when something of a major nature occurs in the family, be open and honest with your child. Of course, providing age appropriate information is necessary. However, the child needs to feel included when the family is in crisis and needs to have an honest understanding of what has happened to change their lives.

It is important for a child to feel that their opinion matters. When they discuss new topics, which can cause you to have some concerns, be authentic in your response and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Open, honest discussion means that children will trust the importance of parents around them with their inner most thoughts. They feel safe sharing with trusting parents that listen respectfully.

It is valuable from time to time to talk as a family about what drives all of you. In this way, children have reinforced ideas about what makes their family tick. They accept and enjoy its uniqueness.

In working with children, I was impressed with the emotional maturity of children who felt comfortable in open and honest discussions with their parents. They would choose them as the first port of call when they had a problem. They also had no reservation in talking about unsettling topics given that they knew parents would be receptive to their discussion and value their thoughts.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within. The family continues to be nourished by healthy discussion and the ability of all members, no matter what age to feel valued and credible as part of the group.

“To improve is to change,
to be perfect is to change often.”

— Winston Churchill

Talk about the best of your child, not the worst

Language and how we use it can be a tricky process.  It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.

It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.

How we talk about our children matters.

It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.

We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.

This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.

• If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.

• Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:

“Well done. You know how to set a table.”

“Great effort starting your homework”.

“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”

“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”

              “I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”

• Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.

• If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.

“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”

• Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.

• When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.

“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”

• Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.

• When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.

Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Being a pre-teen can be tricky when it comes to changing emotions.

Have you found your pre-teen child acting a little differently? Perhaps they seem to have lost their cuteness and baby friendliness.

Well, be reassured this is normal. As the child grows to being a teen or older, they are developing their reasoning and understandings of the world and themselves in a very critical way.

Do you have an emerging teenager?

Teachers, when given their class for the new year, would put a lot of thought into the age group that they would be teaching. Some teachers particularly felt stronger teaching younger children and there were some teachers who felt they had a particular aptitude to working with children at the senior level of the school. What was happening here is the teacher’s awareness that how you teach children should reflect their age and mental capacity to process information. Also having an understanding of their developing self-awareness was important. It was also necessary to reflect on the language used and how you build their self-esteem.

As a parent, you are exposed to the emotional changing face of your child. At first, we can approach noticeable differences appearing with trepidation. However, we need to develop a healthy and positive attitude to the changes you see developing in your child.

We need to accept that change is normal and that we are ready to help the child through such changes. As growth occurs, particularly expect changes in emotions. This will impact on how they perceive problems and it will reflect on how they respond to situations. The pre-teen is beginning to see the bigger picture and question where they fit into it. Suddenly, other people’s opinions matter, as well as their parents, and they are keen to find a social place in their world. Often, they are keen to have more personal space and look to parents for trust in the independent decisions they make which are out of the hands of parents.

It is a time of personal awakening and the child begins to see the bigger picture, offer opinions and they are keen to demonstrate their ability to be independent thinkers and doers in different ways.

I particularly enjoyed teaching this age group, as it was a great time for children to question, probe and be innovative in their work. They grew more vocal, more personally confident and their social engagements with friends often deepened. Also, they began to recognise their own strengths and to understand their place in society.

If you have a child who is going through this pre-teen period consider the following thoughts that may help you deal with what can be a confusing and tricky adjusting time for all the family.

• If you notice changing moods stay with them and try not to over question. Be prepared to be shocked and pleased in unusual ways. Remember this is also a testing and discovery time for your child. They will try on new values, new concepts which can be testing.

• Talk often as a family. Invite conversations about what has been happening over the week. Try not to probe especially when they are not talkative.

• Affirm noticeable changes. This can be through their school work, home habits etc. This is all about reassuring the child that they are valued for their differences as well as their commonalities.

“I notice that you are wearing a different hairstyle today. I like this new look.”

• Take care not to put extra demands on your child if they are struggling to cope with school and home. This can be a sign that they need some respite, not additional duties. A child at this age can become quite overwhelmed by all the changes and expectations placed on them.

• They will probably spend considerable time in their bedroom. Just check in with this habit ensuring that they have adequate family time for discussion. Keeping your child busy with activities such as sport can reduce the time they spend on their own and keep their spirits uplifted through physical exercise.

• Be generous in allowing them to engage with friends. Invite them into your home and ensure that you place no judgements on their friends. This is a sensitive time for a child in establishing friends.

• Your child that is normally bubbly and talkative may suddenly talk less and become more remote. Some of this behaviour is normal. However, check in to ensure that your child still has a balance of family time, busy activities etc.

• Take care not to be critical of the changes you notice. This also includes not referring to how you liked them when they were younger and less irritable or sulky etc. Here you are understanding and accepting of the transition your child is undergoing. Respect their right to make that transition.

These thoughts simply remind us that pre-teens are a very changeable and sensitive time for children. They are discovering themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. They will be making personal assessments of their own successes and failures. A parent’s role is to allow them that time to make changes and to celebrate all new aspects of metamorphosis that appear in your child. The caterpillar that becomes the butterfly, works hard to create that change.

“There are two gifts we should give our children;
One is roots,
And the other is wings.”

— Author Unknown

A check in now that school is back

Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.

However, let’s consider a few facts.  Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.

Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19

• Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.

• Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.

• Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed?  Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?

• Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?

• Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.

• Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.

• Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.

• Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.

• Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.

• The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.

What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.

As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.

How predictable we can all be!

We all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!

We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?

Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.

Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:

Do you encourage your children to think differently?

• Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.

• Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.

• Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.

• If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.

• We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.

“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”

• As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.

• Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.

“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”

• Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.

This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!

“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”

— Nicolas Manetta

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

If it all gets too much!

And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.

Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:

Are there days when if is all too much?

• simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour

• find it difficult to listen to each other properly

• become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it

• lose interest in being constantly supportive

• find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning

• become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions

• use language that isn’t appropriate.

Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.

Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.

• If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.

• Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.

• Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.

• Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.

• Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.

• If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?

• Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.

Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.

Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.

Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.

Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.

Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”

— J K Rowling

Going back to school. What will it mean?

Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.

The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.

What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?

What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.

• Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.

• It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.

• If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.

“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.

• Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.

• Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.

• Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.

• Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.

• If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.

• Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.

• Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.

 We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”

— Epictetus

Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

How do we cope with the “Me” generation child?

This is tricky. After all your child is part of their own generation feeding each other the same information and operating out of the same culture. When you associate with your own generation, it seems comfortable and right. We all experience this sensation. We all look back on our youth and reflect on how we interpreted the world. So too, the “Me” generation feel the same.

Everything is about them. They are the focus. Attention should be drawn to them for they are the key figures to be thought about. They are the key players in their life. Their needs come first. Hence the word “Me”.

After reflecting on this you must as a parent be feeling a little helpless and immediately want to rush to setting the rules and putting them duly in their place. I get it! Who doesn’t want their child to be everything they want them to be? Polite, generous spirited, intelligent etc. Not self centred and focussed on themselves. Afterall, we grew up with these concepts. Didn’t we?

This article has a twofold purpose. Firstly, it is to remind us that each generation make their mark and find their space and place in society. There is nothing wrong with that concept. We need to respect their right to be themselves, placed in society.

The second purpose is to remind you, the parent that you still have the responsibility to guide and direct your “Me” generation child. They need to operate in society with sound values and respect for others.

Putting others first before themselves can be the tricky point as one feature of the “Me” generation is to see themselves as number one before all others. As a parent you have your work cut out for you. Firstly, to understand and give them space to have their rightful place in society but also to be living in a society with others, justly and fairly.

Do you feel you’re raising the next ‘me’ generation?

Here are some thoughts to help you walk with your child comfortably through the process.

• Whilst your child will have their own friends, make sure they are exposed to people of different generations and races. Talk about their stories and the differences seen across the generations.

• In the home, ensure you have a set of family values that you cherish and live by. As a family talk about them regularly. This could include the value of listening to others, giving everyone a fair go, being empathetic to each other, waiting your turn and so the list goes. What matters to you as an effective family is the key point. When the values break down talk about them.

• Discuss how being part of groups and sharing is so important. This can happen through sports etc. Schools teach and encourage team activities that involve the art of cooperating and working as a team. Ask your child what they are learning at school about cooperation.

• Take note of what they are watching on television and social media. Ensure that there is as much balance as possible in their viewing. It certainly needs to be well monitored by you, the parent. The more you can encourage them to view screening time in your presence, the better.

• When watching programs together point out the values you have noticed through story. Of course, this is done well when reading books to your child.

• Keep an eye on the priorities within the family. Are you finding enough quality time together? Check in on this regularly. It can easily be watered down.

• Do you as a family talk together, share meals together, play and laugh together? All of these should be given a priority in a busy family. This may mean reducing other activities or changing patterns.  This is best done in discussion with your child. Families that work together, stay together and engage on a much higher level as a family. The desire to be family grows stronger with a child when they feel happy.

These ideas are all about stabilising your child’s life which will be caught up with so many options and values.

I understand a child must learn about their own society which involves interacting with each other and being a legitimate member of their “Me” group.

The more exposure to strong stable influences in their life, particularly their family, the greater propensity they will have for making informed choices based on considering others and not just themselves. Being a member of the “Me” generation can still include the need to think of “Others.”

“Life affords no greater respect, no greater privilege than the raising of the next generation. ”

— C Everett Koop

Negative thoughts can get us down and drown us with worry

Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:

You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

I am a poor parent.

          I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.

          I really try but they don’t listen.

Why are they so nasty?

I don’t like their personality.

So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.

I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability.  You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.

My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.

• Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.

• He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.

• Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.

• Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.

• Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.

• Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.

• When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?

• Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.

• When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.

• Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

• When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.

• Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.

There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.

“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”

— R.L Knost

Growing up in a generation where it is all about me

It is sad to say but our children are very much part of a generation where considering themselves as the all-important one is a feature of their life. Whilst there are sound factors in looking after yourself and putting yourself forward to ensure safety, improvement and ongoing development, it can at times come at the cost of thinking of others.

Our children are being moulded into their own generation and will model and develop ways and means of being, subject to the development of that culture. This is natural. What I am suggesting is to be a parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life.

The more children see and live in the presence of such values they are more inclined to use them in their own experiences. The more they see their parents utilising these values in their own lives with others and themselves, they grow more inclined to model what they are taught.

Consider the following thoughts which offers some positive ways to present those virtues in the life of the child.

Do your children experience parental model that introduces the strong presence of compassion, unselfishness and gratitude into their life?

• Talk openly about kind acts that you notice around you. Compliment your child when they demonstrate thoughtfulness to others. Encourage them to look for the generous spirit of others

“I was so impressed when I saw how your friend shared his toys.”

• Many of the movies you share together as a family often carry simple messages about humility and gratefulness. Talk about these virtues as a family. Of course, you can teach a great deal through reading books together.

• When you are working through problems with your child, consider how you are communicating with them and how you show compassion through their problems.

• Do you become overwhelmed by the issue or do you discuss it with a calm disposition and a tolerance for mistakes?

• Developing highly effective listening skills with your child is an excellent way to demonstrate that you are a calm and reasonable person who values their child.

• Take care in choosing the right language when speaking to your children. Positive language that is consistent and reinforcing to the child is very important. Take care that inappropriate or indirect name-calling is not present.

• When discussing situations with your child that may be on the news or perhaps issues that have happened at school always look to being compassionate in how you interpret the situation. Definitely stay away from the “blame game” and from talking inappropriately about a person. Here you are teaching your child that you respect the integrity of others even though the situation may be difficult.

• When your child talks about their special needs here you can open up their thinking to think of others.

“I understand that you were hurt with rough play but I wonder if others also felt that pain?”

• Sharing and collaborating are great skills to develop. Where possible teach your child to be inclusive and to reach out to others. Demonstrate this in your own life when dealing with others.

“Those chocolates look lovely that grandma gave you. Do you plan to share them with your friends?”

• The idea here is to encourage thinking of others as more important in sharing in the pleasure than simply eating them alone.

• When opportunities present invite people into your child’s life. This teaches them that sharing experiences has more joy in it than being in isolation.

• Being inclusive with birthday parties, family social events etc. teaches your child to enjoy many and varied people.

• In a world where children are exposed to so much stimulus and with so many messages about firstly looking after yourself, it is important to build a balance between selfcare and the care and awareness of others.

Sound modelling from inclusive parents provides a climate in which a child learns to see the world from a much broader perspective.

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”

— LR Knost

Keeping you the parent well and healthy makes for a happier child

Most important! Your health as a parent under all the stress that is current is an important factor in keeping the home fires burning well. The old saying, “if mamma ain’t right, the whole family ain’t right” has some truth in it.

Walking through depleted shops, listening to the current news is enough to fester feelings of being very sad and in some cases sets off depression.

Rising above this and maintaining all that you do in the life of the family is a big ask for anyone.

Of course, here we are advising you how to look after your family during such a crisis and forgetting to mention that your mental and physical health takes a high priority. The question you ask is how can I maintain my own sanity and feel capable in managing the family during these demanding times?

The answer is not simple but it does draw on your own ability to be a little selfish and put yourself first.

Can you do any of the following?

A healthier and happier parent makes for a happier child.

• Take an occasional walk. Some people just use a shopping centre as a place to leisurely walk. Walking can be so invigorating. Of course, the greener the environment, the more uplifting is the spirit.

• Can you listen to music while working?

• Do you have an activity that you really love and feel better after completing? Is it possible to find space for this in your busy life?

• Can you read at night? Is this a relaxing time for you?

• How about a treat? Some mums just love a facial, bath, spa etc something which soothes the soul.

• How about stopping and having coffee and cake just on your own.

• Do you enjoy reading the newspaper, magazines etc?

• Exercising at home to video clips, music etc. gives you the exercise and the mental space. This is also great fun to do with your child.

• How about being in regular contact with special friends and assuring regular communication to feel good and have a laugh.

Focus on the positive in your life and keep those happy feelings alive in you.

The trick here is to set aside time for yourself. It does not have to be a lot of time. In fact, intermittent breaks are very relaxing and rewarding. It just needs to be built into your weekly routines. You need to recognise its value and appreciate that if you are more self-aware and mentally rested, you project a much calmer and reassuring image in the family. Also, you are much happier in yourself.

There is no one way of being and feeling relaxed. Valuing yourself enough to recreate in some way is the key. It is about recognising that your well being influences your children and those around you.

However, in saying that, I stress that your motivation in seeking a space should be more about nurturing yourself. If you come from that awareness you are more inclined to honour it. Also, your child grows to understand that nurturing yourself, the parent is a healthy way to live.

There is the requirement here of some self-discipline. In your busy world, discipline yourself to focus on you for a short time.

Remember, “if mamma is right the whole family is right!”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. ”

— Martin Luther

Encourage “stepping outside the norm”

We often go directly to the predictable. Many of the activities that we provide for our children, including engagement in sports, are excellent and provide the child with new sets of skills, encouraging them to be collaborative on sport fields etc. This is all positive!

This article suggests that sometimes encouraging children to look for difference and to explore activities or opportunities that take them out of their comfort zones. By looking through Alice’s mirror, we encourage them to take a few more risks and to explore things that are different from the normal. It is about conditioning our children to look for different and this may mean taking a few risks and experimenting with some failure built-in as well. It also gives children an appetite for finding different ways of enjoying themselves, rather than sticking to the predictable, the regular and the safe route.

This may mean that we as parents are also taken on a new journey, but stretching a child’s delight in trying on new ways of being and doing is very healthy.

For example, consider your child learning sport unfamiliar to the family. Perhaps table tennis, chess, volleyball etc. It is all about reaching out to find some different ways to learn.

Also, when you are driving home can your child think of new ways to go home. Try experimenting and discussing the new route. What do you discover along the way?

Here we are encouraging a child to look at the world from bigger, bolder eyes. Who knows what they may discover in the unknown?

Consider the following suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child.

Suggestions to encourage a new way of creating and thinking with your child and stepping outside the norm.

• If you are using google to find directions home with your child experiment without the google and see what you learn. Of course, you may need the luxury of time for this experience.

• When your child sits and enjoys art activities, encourage them to use different pens, perhaps only use tearing rather than scissors. This is all about exposing them to different ways of doing things.

• If your child learns an instrument encourage them to practice in different spaces around the house. This may create different effects and sounds etc.

• When you shop with your child, suggest different foods to try and talk about the experimentation of flavours. Naturally cooking is a wonderful time for learning about different flavours, cooking styles etc.

• Your child will be developing a sense of dress overtime. Encourage them to be bold and try on different looks. Affirm their efforts in looking different. Take care not to direct your child into choosing items. Let them think freely.

• When you play games with your child that are formal activities, can the rules be different? Talk about different strategies you use in playing games. Experiment with different games that require the child to think differently.

• Discuss with your child how to set up their room. Encourage them to vary the design and see what difference it makes to light, sleep etc.

• If you are planning to purchase a pet, how about considering a less predictable one such as a turtle etc. to learn about how they live.

• Sometimes choose books to read that are away from what your child generally reads. This gives them exposure to different authors and themes.

These are simply ideas to introduce variance into your experiences with your child. Be an opportunist and seek out occasions where you can present options and challenges in thinking to your child. Let them learn from you that looking for different and new ways of being is a positive thing to do.

Of course, familiarity and predictabilities are quite important for a child’s stability and feeling of being safe. However, sometimes just taking them out of the ordinary, encourages a creative shift in thinking.  

“There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.”

— Walt Streightiff

It’s a long haul so let’s keep up with fresh ideas

Keep smiling! Consider that in a normal day you would have less than ten minutes one on one time with your child. You now have a wonderful opportunity to enrich your relationship during this isolation period. No doubt it will come with its trials and tribulations but overall, when we come out of it, think about the unique life journey you have been on with your child. This unique time will never be repeated with your child.

Here are some thoughts on two levels. Firstly, some practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child. Secondly, some practical thoughts about keeping yourself sane and happy.

Practical ideas that can be an enjoyable learning experience for your child.

• Firstly, recognise that sustaining long periods of time doing one activity can be difficult for some children. It is useful to have a range of activities that can be repeated over time. Remember short intervals will have more impact for a child if they are engaged in them. Try to enjoy them with your child and remember that you are not a teacher and everything does not have to be perfect.

• Consider a plan. This could be encouraging some innovative learning activities in the morning and after lunch some physical activities to get away the cobwebs and feelings of being couped up.

• Consider keeping a diary. This is a good idea. It does not need to be too long and it helps your child record their feelings and moods along the way. This is quite therapeutic. The diary does not need to be daily but can be used across the week when the mood strikes to write. If your child can’t manage this on their own, make it a family diary where you also write in it.

• How about encouraging your child to write encouraging letters to the elderly in homes? Talk about their isolation and how this is a helpful exercise to support the vulnerable.

• On large sheets, children can write encouragement slogans and place them on external windows of their house. This is something that can be repeated from time to time. Once again this encourages the children to be positively engaged with the community at large.

• Teach your children how to make play-dough. This is a fun activity and is enjoyed by the younger children.

• Check out various websites on an institution like the zoo, children’s museum, art gallery. Many institutions are now putting up wonderful online activities for children.

• If you have a tape measure it can be fun measuring the rooms in the house and with assistance drawing a house plan.

• In the garden give them a special patch which is just their own. Here they can dig, plant, play, experiment etc.

• Setting up a small sandpit is a wonderful activity for children to enjoy.

• Use intermittent music to break the activities up in the morning. This gives them some exercise and mental breaks.

• How about your child rearranging the pantry and putting a new fresh look into it?

• Are their cupboards they can clean out?

• I hear of some families setting up a roster where the children are in charge of cooking for the night. This of course may involve parental assistance. However, there is the planning, food preparation etc. that needs quite a bit of thought.

• Can your child decorate their room from time to time giving it a fresh new look?

• Write a story together. This starts with you beginning with:

               “Once upon a time” … then the child adds to it,

 “there was a wolf in the garden”.

You add to the story and so it continues. This is great fun, encourages imagination and by writing it down it becomes your own narrative.

• In the garden, encourage the children to sketch the plants. There is so much in the garden that can be drawn, painted, photographed and admired. Also, teach the child how to press flowers from the garden. This could be a great addition to include in the diary.

• Do you have old costume jewellery that you can live without? Children can reshape these into new pieces. This is an excellent art activity.

• Can you all knit together? If you don’t know how to learn together from a Youtube lesson. That could be fun.

• Remember, the more you introduce your child to fresh homegrown ideas, the more they value simpler things and learn how to create their own entertainment. For this generation so geared to technology, this is an excellent opportunity to step away from such things. Keep in mind that they are learning in a whole new way.

• How about having fun with tie-dying old shirts? If you are uncertain about the process simply google it.

• Younger children love a dress-up box. Have you got some old clothes that can make up such a box?

Consider how you, the parents are feeling. Let’s think about how you are managing such a complex situation under difficult circumstances.

• Can you find a few minutes to yourself? This may mean physically removing yourself from the children. A little personal space can make such a difference. Also don’t feel guilty when you have those feelings of being overloaded by the children. It’s natural.

• Think positively. I have this precious time with my children. I can build my relationship in this situation but it will be hard from time to time. I understand that there will be days when I operate better than others. This is natural.

• When you shop can you include some little treats for yourself? Remember nurturing yourself will make you a better nurturer.

• Use the phone more and talk rather than texting. Real conversations are mentally healthier than texting.

• Find some funny adult YouTube pieces just for yourself. Here you can giggle and remember the quality of laughing.

• Whilst there is nothing humorous about the seriousness of coronavirus, it is still necessary to keep you spirits up and plan hopefully to come out the other end being better for the experience.

• If you are having a bad day, do less, remove yourself for a while, put less pressure on yourself, read books, magazines etc. Simply slow down the feelings that are making you unsettled. Accept that these overwhelming feelings are natural and from time to time I will have them. You are trying to live in a whole new world. It takes adjustment for all. Children’s fluctuating behaviour will affect how I operate and this is natural.

• Keep in mind that this virus has a short life. There will be an end in sight, thanks to the outstanding human efforts in place and you will come through having embarked on a unique journey with your child, one imprinted in both your minds. What memories do you want to share with them?

“Simple pleasures are the last healthy refuge in a complex world.”

— Oscar Wilde

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein