A few tips on helping with home schooling

We are still in tricky times. Here are a few basic tips on making the learning environment easier and more palatable for everyone concerned.

Tips to help Remote Learning easier for your chileren.

• Teachers believe in moving children into different spaces in the classroom from time to time. Talk to your child about how comfortable they are and invite a change of space if they feel this would give them a fresh new perspective.

• Ensure there is adequate light where they are working and of course they should be working away from too much stimulus and distractions.

• Noise can be a significant factor given they need to concentrate on a screen.

• Keep the area around the child uncluttered so that they can concentrate and speared themselves out as best they can. They need to have ownership of their learning space.

• Ensure that they have quiet times on the computer so that they can balance talking with you and working independently.

• The chair they use should give them some comfort and flexibility of movements.

• Parents can help by occasionally tapping into them as they work quietly.

• At the end of the day when school activities are finished, it is still important to respect the space they have set up. If possible, keep it intact for tomorrow. This shows that you value what they are doing and that their work is credible.

• If they are doing some work, sketches etc. on paper suggest that it is displayed on the fridge. Here we continue to acknowledge their daily work.

• Ensure in the morning that they have everything they need before starting. In a busy family set up, pencils etc. Can go missing very quickly. Your aim is to reduce the pressure for them.

• Classrooms are busy places and children move quite frequently in and around their spaces. Invite your child to take breaks and sometimes such stretching and walking across the room is enough to clear the head and reduce cobwebs.

• Try to avoid setting your child up in spaces that are used as walkways to kitchens etc. Daily traffic can be disturbing.

• If a child is using their bedroom it is important to check occasionally as working independently in isolation is difficult for primary aged children.

• If your child struggles with working independently it will be best to situate them near you as they will feel comforted by the support. This is also what teachers do in classrooms. They set up situations to check in with children who need more assistance.

• At the end of the school day, reward your child for all the efforts and have a brief discussion on what your child feels they have achieved. It is common practice in the classroom to revisit the day’s activities towards the end of a school day.

• Ask them the following morning what goals they have planned for the day. Be careful not to instruct but listen with interest. Your child is used to teachers checking in with them in the classroom.

• If your child is waiting around for a zoom etc, provide something to entertain them on the table. Some artwork, playdough etc. Classrooms set up many alternative activities to fill in times.

Finally, remember that you are assisting them and guiding them into good work habits. However, as parents, you are not assessing their work or are you accountable for providing daily education. At that point overstepping the line can cause quite some anxiety for the child. Just be the parent who gently guides the school day at home.

“Educations begins the moment we see children as innately wise and capable beings. Only then can we play along with them in their world.”

— VinceGowmon.com

So, we are back working on line from home.

Perhaps we can look at the bright side?

Firstly, this is familiar to all the family. Getting setup and working from the computer is becoming quite the commonplace.

Falling back into old habits can be OK if it all worked well for you before. Consider the following thoughts to give your working day a boost.

Consider some thoughts from Gail Smith, The Primary Years, to give your working day through COVID-19 restrictions a boost.

• Organise with your child when and how you will do the work. Now that they are experienced at it, invite them to suggest new ways to work. Perhaps they may want to move into a new position in the home for a fresh new perspective.

• Plan to do refreshing activities after each day’s event at work. This should involve activities that are fun and life-giving preferably in the open air.

• Suggest that your child make their own masks one day. This shows their individuality and creativity to what is a difficult time for all.

• Think about refreshment you may offer across the day. I would suggest using some happy, surprising treats to support the new lockdown operations. After all, we all need some moments of being uplifted.

• Introduce music across the working day. Invite the child to choose what makes them feel good.

• The days can be dull now that it is mid-winter. Consider timing your breaks for when we have some sun. This is good for the soul.

• Ensure the child is situated in a light-filled space while working. This can make a big difference to their mood and level of production.

• The news regarding COVid 19 has made us all feel frustrated and a little more anxious. Ensure accurate information is still given to your child, age-appropriate of course but tailor the conversations with some positive news about how figures may be improving, etc.

• Start bringing in jokes and laughter into the day. A funny joke once a day is good for the spirit.

• Finally, we are all learning how to live a little differently and our awareness about health issues are widening each day as we learn about changing patterns with the virus. Use this information to talk to your child about how a virus works. But also keep in mind some positives.

• We are developing a method of immunisation. How clever does that make us as a race?

• Many health care workers such as doctors and nurses serve in the health industry. They show courage and bravery in working in difficult situations. How strong we can be as people who care a great deal.

• How generous are some people to give support to others who are more vulnerable? Such generosity is amazing. It is a gift.

• Look at all the positive people who are following the rules. This tells us we do care about the common good.

• Find some good news story about how someone showed special care to others. Talk about the great gifts of generosity evidenced in the community. Often, we hear such goodwill stories in the news.

• Talk about how this is a very much a challenge for us as a community and it is also an excellent time to talk about the common good. As we live in a very “Me” orientated world this is such an opportunity to raise awareness of the role we all play in our society. The difference we can make if we all pull together.

How does the punishment fit the crime?

In our tricky world, appropriate consequences for poor behaviour, are hard to resolve. Given the intense time we are placed in with our children there will be occasions when we need to correct their behaviour. We need incredible tolerance and understanding under the circumstances, even though we are under so much personal pressure.

When we live in a confined space together and have to create our own new world, this will come with unusual tensions which do not demand a familiar response. What is normal in these situations? There is no familiar formula.

I would be recommending not considering punishment to fit the crime, but rather reflecting on how the child is coping with the tensions and how best to respond. Consider the following suggestions in talking to your child when their behaviour is out of control and your ability to manage the situation is at a low.

“I am upset that this has happened. How can we best deal with it?”

“I find that things are difficult at the moment, please find a solution to help me get on top of this problem.”

“I am angry that this has happened and I am finding it difficult, what can we do to solve this problem?”

“My ability to handle this situation is not great at the moment we will deal with it later.”

All these responses are about acknowledging behavioural problems, not overreacting, yet demonstrating a need to talk it through and resolve the matter. It gives you the personal space to take away the anger and think about how to respond in a fair and reasonable way at a later date.

Quick aggressive responses do require a fair bit of comeback and can-do considerable damage to fragile relationships.

Whilst I appreciate that through active listening and understanding the problem, there may still need to be consequences. I am however, advising that in a confined situation for a prolonged time it will require both parties to have tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences. We are in a new norm and this is taking its toll on everyone. It requires us as parents to think differently in managing our children.  Abiding by “old thinking” will not be the answer for supporting children in this unique situation. Tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, turning a blind eye, etc. are helpful tools in moving forward in some situations.

The parent needs to show intuition, wisdom and discernment in finding solutions to inappropriate behaviour often driven by extremely different circumstances for all parties. This is where you, the parent take ownership of managing the situation well.

“You have to think a little smarter, be proactive not reactive.”

— Frank Abagnale

In these stressful times, we need tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences.

When is Success really Success?

Just about every time I would argue! All of us need to hear that we can achieve and that we have capabilities in varied and different ways. Sometimes this can be in simple matters. Sometimes it can be in more detailed and complicated ways. What is the key is the importance of hearing from others that you have simply done well? Your efforts are noted.

Success breeds success. A child needs to feel that they can achieve and that others most especially the parents, recognise this fact.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina.

Saying often: “Well done” goes a long way in the mind of a child. It says you know what you are doing. You have been successful. The likelihood of repeating success is higher once the child hears that they can achieve. Never under estimate the value of a simple, “well done”.

Teachers are very skilled at building in what I call “success busters” in their day. They are careful to ensure that all children receive a balanced dose of success busters across the day. They notice the difference when a child feels less inclined to contribute, feeling that they are not valued. It becomes an automatic tool to teachers who know by experience that you catch more people with honey than sour words.

“Thanks for cleaning up the paint. You did it so quickly”

“You have put so much effort into your work. Well Done”

“How clever you are when it comes to reading stories out loud. You read with so much expression.”

Notice that the more you mention the specifics of why they have been successful, the more legitimate the affirmation. It shows that you really notice what has made them so successful in your eyes.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina and giving them emotional reassurance that they have something valuable to offer.

In supporting a child by using careful targeted, reassuring language the following actually occurs:

• The child hears the words and finds satisfaction in the public announcement made to them and to others in earshot.

• The child feeds off such reassurance and is more likely to respond with confidence.

• The child is more likely to respond in positive ways to others. This is teaching them about thinking and acting positively. It is about teaching them by example that they are aware of people’s efforts.

In essence this article reminds us that building success comes from reassuring words and affirmation. It builds strong emotional foundations which are well needed when the negative and vulnerable times can become overpowering from time to time.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

— Author unknown. Kids activities.net

All eyes are on you at home.

This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.

Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.

In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.

• Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.

• Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.

• Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.

• When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?

Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.

As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.

If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.

“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”

Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.

The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.

How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.

Simple clues on helping your child to write.

If I say now I want you to write a story on dogs, how would you go?

Most likely not too well! The idea of writing starting with a blank page and no connection to the story is so hard for most people. Even children who are great readers can find this difficult. Just simply asking a child to be creative on the spot is not generally possible when it comes to writing stories.

Often children find the task to write stories very difficult if in isolation of the classroom. As a parent, it can be difficult to help with homework tasks that require story writing.

Here are some simple tips on helping your child write with enjoyment and with a feeling of success.

Does your child struggle to write a story?

• Ask them to tell you a story. Ask them to tell it to you in sections. This story is one they know and love. Then keep checking in with “what happened next?” etc.

• Try putting the story in dot points. Then build some sentences around the dot points. Keep it simple and let your child add to the sentences if desired.

• Sometimes children can start with a question.

“I wonder why I like dogs?” starting with a question gets them thinking and talking about the concept.

“Why did I go to the beach that day?”

• Giving children sentence starters can help.

“Today was a hot day and I enjoyed ……”

• Confronting a blank page can be daunting. Ask them to draw the story perhaps in cartoon form and then tell it through words.

• If a child is struggling with writing a story, ask them to tell you about a time that made them happy or perhaps a funny situation. Write it down. Always keep in mind that the purpose of writing with a child should be enjoyable.

• After reading a story to your child have fun with them by changing some of the plot. This can be a great chance to talk about story plots. Also, have fun changing the title of the story and some of the words.

• Audiobooks are a very pleasant way of following stories and some children are very strong audio learners.

• If they have a great story in their head invite them to record it and play it back to the family.

• Try writing a story together. Start off with some sentences and invite your child to write a few more, building the plot together. Also, it can be a fun activity sitting in the car making up stories together.

• Let them see how you enjoy reading what they write. At a family gathering time, read out their work and talk about the story written.

• Look at some simple cartoons. Invite your child to write about each scene.

These suggestions are simply to encourage the child to see writing a story as a possibility. Many children, especially those who are not into fantasy or fiction, will write better when the writing has a purpose. For example, the child may write about how we pollute the earth with plastic. Here they are writing to tell you about a situation that is real and has a purpose with facts. As the child ages, school’s expectations in writing are more about writing for a purpose. As a parent of a primary aged child, simply keep their interest in writing by reassuring them that they can write and it can be in many and varied forms. There is no incorrect way of writing a story, nor is there any incorrect way of telling a story. Also, we place no value judgements on the quality of their story. It’s their tale after all.

“You can make anything by writing.”

— CS Lewis

Who wants to be the perfect parent?

That can be quite exhausting and as you already know I’m sure your children will ask many questions about all sorts of matters. Once the questioning starts it can be overwhelming and having all the answers can be difficult. Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be perfect! In fact, not knowing all the answers is an advantage.

The natural curiosity of children is quite special and I understand that as a parent we want to ensure that they are given as much information as possible. We want to encourage their curiosity and stimulate their thinking.

Of course, they will seek you out at a young age as the source of all knowledge which is wonderful!. They will trust your judgement and believe that what you tell them is the truth. This holds you in a very privileged position. In their eyes, you are the bearer of all truth and knowledge. Now how does that make you feel? Well at least responsible for treating their inquiries with respect and being honest in your answers.

This article is about supporting the questions asked by your children with truth and with honesty. This is the case when you especially do not know the answer.

It is best to be open and suggest that together you will find out about their concern.

“Thanks for asking me about how birds fly. That is a big question and let’s look up the information together’.

Here you are teaching your child that making an inquiry is acceptable and that there are ways of finding out the information together.

This is a much better response than creating an answer without validity.

Do you feel you have to be on hand answering every question perfectly?

If your child is asking questions about values and morality this is a whole separate field which involves personal views and opinions. There is information to learn but also given the value-laden nature of such questions, you can declare your opinions in a proper manner.

“I can see you are interested in understanding more about birth control. Let’s find out the different ways of managing it.”

Here you can offer your opinion. When you offer your opinions take care not to enforce your beliefs. They are more likely to be understood and accepted if you talk about them openly and without emotion. Remember, you are modelling how to learn about information so that bias and prejudice do not appear in the conversations. A child will listen with more interest and intent if your interpretation is fair and reasonable.

“Here is the information on capital punishment. Some people are very opposed to this as I am and If you like I can give you my reasons”.

Here you invite the child to hear your opinions. This has more impact especially on teaching the child about taking a balanced approach to some issues.

The beauty of sharing information together also teaches the child that you are a learner and have an inquiring approach to finding out answers. You are not threatened by new knowledge and are prepared to look at all sides of the issue.

Here are a few thoughts on helping your child with questions.

• Be quick to look up the information together. If you are busy suggest saying:

“I don’t know the answer but later when I have time, we can look it up on the internet.”

• Follow through with all questions. Sometimes only simple responses are necessary, especially with younger children. Longer explanations can sometimes get lost in their little minds.

• To keep them still asking you the questions talk about how you like to find out facts and share some new insights you have learnt with your child.

Questioning is such a natural part of growing up. The more a child feels secure in asking you questions, the more they will come to you with their queries no matter how controversial. The more you present an open mind to learning new information, the more your child understands that asking questions is a natural way to learn.

“Life is an unanswered question but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.”

— Tennessee Williams

What is lying all about?

No one likes to feel that they have been lied to. There is something quite sinister and uncomfortable when we hear that someone has lied to you. Certainly, trust is out the door immediately!

Do you wonder why your child lies?

I want to talk about lying with children. Sometimes the word lying is not really appropriate. The younger the child, the greater the likelihood that what we think was a lie was in fact fantasy. Something made up to suit an answer that seemed to align with the question. Also, consider that younger children have no malice nor are they at all interested in being out of a relationship with you. Therefore, they will be mostly honest to the bone. A very young child sometimes chooses fantasy to solve their problems and care should be taken not to be too reactive when they fantasize why something happened.

However, there are occasions when a child feels caught in a difficult situation and does not have the where with all to escape the problem. Perhaps they are unduly fearful of the consequences in which case they will concoct a story to suit the tricky scenario in which they find themselves. The important point here is that we teach our children to feel comfortable in telling the truth and not unduly anxious that they will receive serious consequences. A child has difficulty sometimes in measuring what is serious and not serious. Our job is to lead them to tell the truth as a means of clearing up problems and moving forward.

Here are some suggestions on how to encourage your child to always tell the truth.

• Demonstrate how you are a truthful person and openly admit that sometimes you make mistakes and need to say sorry and admit to the problem.

• Talk often about how telling the truth helps everyone move on quickly from the problem.

• When your child responds quickly with truth in a difficult situation affirm their honesty and praise their courage in doing the right thing. Let them know that the problem can be quickly solved when telling the truth. It does not get more complicated.

• There are some excellent stories for young children with a Pinocchio style approach. Reading them and discussing the moral of the story is helpful.

• If a child is struggling to tell the truth encourage them gently to open up.

“I can see that you are anxious about telling me what really happened…….

             “I can wait a while if this helps you”.

“Are you worried about what I will think as I am proud that you tell me the truth?”

“When you tell the truth no matter how hard it is, I am so proud of your courage.”

• When you notice how other people are quick to tell the truth, talk about how the problem doesn’t get more complicated.

• Pick up on the little occasions when your child made the right choice to be honest.

“Thanks for cleaning up your mess on the table.” It’s about acknowledging that they recognise problems and deal with them. Sometimes just acting on your mistake is telling the truth.

• Keep your anger and disappointment in control as often what we think is a big lie in the child’s mind can be quite small. Try to understand how your child sees the problem before reacting.

• Ensure that if there are consequences after your child tells the truth they should be fair and reasonable taking into account that your child was honest. Always follow with affirmation about their ability to respond with the truth straight away.

• A child is weaving their way through tricky situations across the day and sometimes they must make moral choices about telling the truth.

Gradually with parental guidance and gentle handling, they will come to value keeping the truth as the first priority. They will not if fear of retribution and outmoded discipline is the outcome.

We are leading them into the powerful realisation that truth sets you free.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”

— Mark Twain

The changing nature of families

Just when you think everything in your family is sitting cosily, along comes change. Yes, it is true. The nature of families continues to evolve and change, as you and the children experience normal life experiences and the children start to grow. It was common at school for parents to ask how can their beautiful, innocent child that demonstrated sweetness and light suddenly become difficult and present such unattractive behaviour.

Young parents sending their first child to school were always being surprised at the changes their child was making in their first year. Suddenly the child’s exposure to so many other influences loomed loud in their life.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within.

As a family there are certain factors that drive a healthy life across all the age periods that the child and family will experience. Nothing remains constant. Families will experience changes for a variety of reasons that will influence your child’s response. For example, you may go back to work after being at home for some time. A crisis, perhaps a death or illness can have a big impact on how a family operates and how emotionally they feel. As a family there could be crisis which has major changes in the life of everyone. Schools can change, teachers can move schools suddenly, destabilising your child’s feeling of being secure. A child being ill can impact on their emotional response to situations, a new arrival appears in the family and so the list goes on.

What we are saying here is that there are several consistently sound factors that healthy families can live with comfortably, which incorporates and accepts change. Of course, a major feature of late is the adjustments we are all making with Covid 19 in our life. Let’s look at some stable aspects to a family that will help us weather the storm as our family evolves over the years.

The first thought is to accept that change is inevitable and that you welcome the change and various aspects of growth that you notice in your child. This may mean accepting some differences that challenge you as well.

As a family talk about open communication and how you welcome talking about changing ideas, beliefs and values that your child is coming across. Let them know that you respect their growth which will come with the introduction of challenging thoughts and values.

Children become quite sensitive about their friends. Welcome all types into your home. This reassures your child that you value their opinion. You may have some concerns but there are ways and means of having discussions later that do not put judgement on their choices.

As a family try different things across the years. More of the same has its value but if a child wants to try a different sport, activity etc. have ago with them in testing difference.

Compliment them on their growing awareness of life. Sometimes children become anxious to express a different opinion in the house. Welcome and invite different opinions with your children. This leads to healthy, open discussion. Merely enforcing your values only limits the conversation. It certainly doesn’t mean that they will adopt your values in the longer term.

If and when something of a major nature occurs in the family, be open and honest with your child. Of course, providing age appropriate information is necessary. However, the child needs to feel included when the family is in crisis and needs to have an honest understanding of what has happened to change their lives.

It is important for a child to feel that their opinion matters. When they discuss new topics, which can cause you to have some concerns, be authentic in your response and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Open, honest discussion means that children will trust the importance of parents around them with their inner most thoughts. They feel safe sharing with trusting parents that listen respectfully.

It is valuable from time to time to talk as a family about what drives all of you. In this way, children have reinforced ideas about what makes their family tick. They accept and enjoy its uniqueness.

In working with children, I was impressed with the emotional maturity of children who felt comfortable in open and honest discussions with their parents. They would choose them as the first port of call when they had a problem. They also had no reservation in talking about unsettling topics given that they knew parents would be receptive to their discussion and value their thoughts.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within. The family continues to be nourished by healthy discussion and the ability of all members, no matter what age to feel valued and credible as part of the group.

“To improve is to change,
to be perfect is to change often.”

— Winston Churchill

Talk about the best of your child, not the worst

Language and how we use it can be a tricky process.  It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.

It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.

How we talk about our children matters.

It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.

We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.

This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.

• If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.

• Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:

“Well done. You know how to set a table.”

“Great effort starting your homework”.

“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”

“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”

              “I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”

• Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.

• If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.

“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”

• Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.

• When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.

“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”

• Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.

• When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.

Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Being a pre-teen can be tricky when it comes to changing emotions.

Have you found your pre-teen child acting a little differently? Perhaps they seem to have lost their cuteness and baby friendliness.

Well, be reassured this is normal. As the child grows to being a teen or older, they are developing their reasoning and understandings of the world and themselves in a very critical way.

Do you have an emerging teenager?

Teachers, when given their class for the new year, would put a lot of thought into the age group that they would be teaching. Some teachers particularly felt stronger teaching younger children and there were some teachers who felt they had a particular aptitude to working with children at the senior level of the school. What was happening here is the teacher’s awareness that how you teach children should reflect their age and mental capacity to process information. Also having an understanding of their developing self-awareness was important. It was also necessary to reflect on the language used and how you build their self-esteem.

As a parent, you are exposed to the emotional changing face of your child. At first, we can approach noticeable differences appearing with trepidation. However, we need to develop a healthy and positive attitude to the changes you see developing in your child.

We need to accept that change is normal and that we are ready to help the child through such changes. As growth occurs, particularly expect changes in emotions. This will impact on how they perceive problems and it will reflect on how they respond to situations. The pre-teen is beginning to see the bigger picture and question where they fit into it. Suddenly, other people’s opinions matter, as well as their parents, and they are keen to find a social place in their world. Often, they are keen to have more personal space and look to parents for trust in the independent decisions they make which are out of the hands of parents.

It is a time of personal awakening and the child begins to see the bigger picture, offer opinions and they are keen to demonstrate their ability to be independent thinkers and doers in different ways.

I particularly enjoyed teaching this age group, as it was a great time for children to question, probe and be innovative in their work. They grew more vocal, more personally confident and their social engagements with friends often deepened. Also, they began to recognise their own strengths and to understand their place in society.

If you have a child who is going through this pre-teen period consider the following thoughts that may help you deal with what can be a confusing and tricky adjusting time for all the family.

• If you notice changing moods stay with them and try not to over question. Be prepared to be shocked and pleased in unusual ways. Remember this is also a testing and discovery time for your child. They will try on new values, new concepts which can be testing.

• Talk often as a family. Invite conversations about what has been happening over the week. Try not to probe especially when they are not talkative.

• Affirm noticeable changes. This can be through their school work, home habits etc. This is all about reassuring the child that they are valued for their differences as well as their commonalities.

“I notice that you are wearing a different hairstyle today. I like this new look.”

• Take care not to put extra demands on your child if they are struggling to cope with school and home. This can be a sign that they need some respite, not additional duties. A child at this age can become quite overwhelmed by all the changes and expectations placed on them.

• They will probably spend considerable time in their bedroom. Just check in with this habit ensuring that they have adequate family time for discussion. Keeping your child busy with activities such as sport can reduce the time they spend on their own and keep their spirits uplifted through physical exercise.

• Be generous in allowing them to engage with friends. Invite them into your home and ensure that you place no judgements on their friends. This is a sensitive time for a child in establishing friends.

• Your child that is normally bubbly and talkative may suddenly talk less and become more remote. Some of this behaviour is normal. However, check in to ensure that your child still has a balance of family time, busy activities etc.

• Take care not to be critical of the changes you notice. This also includes not referring to how you liked them when they were younger and less irritable or sulky etc. Here you are understanding and accepting of the transition your child is undergoing. Respect their right to make that transition.

These thoughts simply remind us that pre-teens are a very changeable and sensitive time for children. They are discovering themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. They will be making personal assessments of their own successes and failures. A parent’s role is to allow them that time to make changes and to celebrate all new aspects of metamorphosis that appear in your child. The caterpillar that becomes the butterfly, works hard to create that change.

“There are two gifts we should give our children;
One is roots,
And the other is wings.”

— Author Unknown

A check in now that school is back

Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.

However, let’s consider a few facts.  Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.

Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19

• Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.

• Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.

• Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed?  Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?

• Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?

• Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.

• Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.

• Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.

• Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.

• Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.

• The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.

What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.

As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.

How predictable we can all be!

We all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!

We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?

Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.

Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:

Do you encourage your children to think differently?

• Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.

• Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.

• Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.

• If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.

• We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.

“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”

• As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.

• Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.

“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”

• Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.

This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!

“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”

— Nicolas Manetta

Emptiness can be a virtue

With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?

Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.

Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.

Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.

Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.

Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.

Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.

When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.

In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.

Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

Consider the following:

• Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.

• Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.

• A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.

Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.

“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”

— healthyplace.com

A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.

If it all gets too much!

And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.

Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:

Are there days when if is all too much?

• simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour

• find it difficult to listen to each other properly

• become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it

• lose interest in being constantly supportive

• find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning

• become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions

• use language that isn’t appropriate.

Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.

Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.

• If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.

• Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.

• Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.

• Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.

• Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.

• If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?

• Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.

Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.

Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.

Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.

Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.

Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!

“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”

— J K Rowling

Going back to school. What will it mean?

Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.

The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.

What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?

What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.

• Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.

• It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.

• If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.

“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.

• Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.

• Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.

• Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.

• Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.

• If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.

• Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.

• Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.

 We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”

— Epictetus

Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

How do we cope with the “Me” generation child?

This is tricky. After all your child is part of their own generation feeding each other the same information and operating out of the same culture. When you associate with your own generation, it seems comfortable and right. We all experience this sensation. We all look back on our youth and reflect on how we interpreted the world. So too, the “Me” generation feel the same.

Everything is about them. They are the focus. Attention should be drawn to them for they are the key figures to be thought about. They are the key players in their life. Their needs come first. Hence the word “Me”.

After reflecting on this you must as a parent be feeling a little helpless and immediately want to rush to setting the rules and putting them duly in their place. I get it! Who doesn’t want their child to be everything they want them to be? Polite, generous spirited, intelligent etc. Not self centred and focussed on themselves. Afterall, we grew up with these concepts. Didn’t we?

This article has a twofold purpose. Firstly, it is to remind us that each generation make their mark and find their space and place in society. There is nothing wrong with that concept. We need to respect their right to be themselves, placed in society.

The second purpose is to remind you, the parent that you still have the responsibility to guide and direct your “Me” generation child. They need to operate in society with sound values and respect for others.

Putting others first before themselves can be the tricky point as one feature of the “Me” generation is to see themselves as number one before all others. As a parent you have your work cut out for you. Firstly, to understand and give them space to have their rightful place in society but also to be living in a society with others, justly and fairly.

Do you feel you’re raising the next ‘me’ generation?

Here are some thoughts to help you walk with your child comfortably through the process.

• Whilst your child will have their own friends, make sure they are exposed to people of different generations and races. Talk about their stories and the differences seen across the generations.

• In the home, ensure you have a set of family values that you cherish and live by. As a family talk about them regularly. This could include the value of listening to others, giving everyone a fair go, being empathetic to each other, waiting your turn and so the list goes. What matters to you as an effective family is the key point. When the values break down talk about them.

• Discuss how being part of groups and sharing is so important. This can happen through sports etc. Schools teach and encourage team activities that involve the art of cooperating and working as a team. Ask your child what they are learning at school about cooperation.

• Take note of what they are watching on television and social media. Ensure that there is as much balance as possible in their viewing. It certainly needs to be well monitored by you, the parent. The more you can encourage them to view screening time in your presence, the better.

• When watching programs together point out the values you have noticed through story. Of course, this is done well when reading books to your child.

• Keep an eye on the priorities within the family. Are you finding enough quality time together? Check in on this regularly. It can easily be watered down.

• Do you as a family talk together, share meals together, play and laugh together? All of these should be given a priority in a busy family. This may mean reducing other activities or changing patterns.  This is best done in discussion with your child. Families that work together, stay together and engage on a much higher level as a family. The desire to be family grows stronger with a child when they feel happy.

These ideas are all about stabilising your child’s life which will be caught up with so many options and values.

I understand a child must learn about their own society which involves interacting with each other and being a legitimate member of their “Me” group.

The more exposure to strong stable influences in their life, particularly their family, the greater propensity they will have for making informed choices based on considering others and not just themselves. Being a member of the “Me” generation can still include the need to think of “Others.”

“Life affords no greater respect, no greater privilege than the raising of the next generation. ”

— C Everett Koop

Negative thoughts can get us down and drown us with worry

Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:

You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

I am a poor parent.

          I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.

          I really try but they don’t listen.

Why are they so nasty?

I don’t like their personality.

So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.

I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability.  You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.

My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.

• Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.

• He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.

• Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.

• Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.

• Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.

• Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.

• When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?

• Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.

• When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.

• Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

• When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.

• Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.

There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.

“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”

— R.L Knost