Checking in on the happiness level of your family.

When the family gathers, is there an air of happiness?  Families that seem happy and enjoy each other's company tend to talk more together, are certainly noisier and from my observation seem to have a well developed ability and interest in listening to each other. They seem more tolerant of each other's vulnerable sides and will often find humour in the various habits and patterns that members of the family adopt.

We should never underestimate that being happy is actually a strength and that seeing the world in a positive light can set the scene for a family to work out of a positive disposition.

When emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment dominate a parent's disposition, any wonder that the child will close down their communication and develop coping skills around the parent.  Such negative emotions can also be seen by the child as a use of power against themselves.

Children sense very easily what buttons will trigger negative emotions in their parents. They will also develop their own ability to get their needs met and sometimes this involves going around the parent.

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child. It is quite compulsive. People like being around such people and so too children. Of course life presents challenges and when a parent feels less likely to be optimistic, happy to engage and positive, it is best to let your child know.

“Today I feel not at my best. I have some things on my mind and tomorrow will be a better day.”

This is all about alerting your child when to best approach them for advice etc. It also reduces confusion for the child who knows you as a happy, positive person.

Keeping the happy levels of the family at a high  level should be a focus for parents. Laugh together and enjoy hearing the delights of each other's experiences. Go into conversation with a positive approach. Find warmth and humour in what they have to tell you. Use affirming language and avoid down language.

 “I had so much shopping to do today. Wow. I felt like a donkey carrying all those groceries. I think I looked like a donkey too with my sore back.”

Down language could be:

 “I had so much shopping to do today. It was heavy and my back is so sore”

The use of positive language does not undermine the message but creates a positive aspect to how it is expressed.

If children hear such positive inflection in their parent's conversation they will respond positively themselves and certainly be less cautious in talking to their parents, feeling emotionally much safer.

In working with children, they would sometimes tell me that they would choose not to talk about certain topics to their parents as it made their parents angry. They would be selective in what and how they expressed themselves.

 Try some of the following to lighten the load and brighten the day.

• Smile often when talking.

• Have a warm tone in your conversation.

• Use a gentle calm voice at all times. Sometimes, when they talk about their day have a laugh and join in the story.

• Applaud their strengths with confidence and warm thoughts.

 Some parents have affectionate titles for their children which makes the child feel good.

 “Thanks speedy. I always get it on time.”

 “Hey handsome pass me the spoon.”

Tell jokes to each other. The children love joke telling. I know of one family who have a very bad book of jokes but the family have a joke sharing time each week. This is great fun. Tell them your rate of happiness.

 “Today I feel ten out of ten in being just happy. What is your number?”

The message to the child is that taking on a positive happy disposition, enlivens the space in which you live. You are telling them that when I feel happy, the world is a better place, come and join me!

                                 “The secret of a long life,

                                     LAUGHTER.

                                 The secret of a long-lasting relationship

                                  laughing together.....”

~ tinybuddha.com

Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child.

Some children demand more attention or perhaps just need more attention?

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

I have often wondered about this as we can easily see in classrooms how each child responds differently to the teacher.

There are many myths and stories around why this is so, but I have come to the conclusion that some children need more attention because it is simply part of their personality. It is often the case that if they over demand from parents, they often over demand equally from others in differing ways. Think about those adults you know who have a personality type that is more 'out there'. They are sometimes not great listeners and seem to have too much to say. This can be very off putting to the listener.

Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for a child demanding more attention. If the behaviour is extreme, this does need to be explored with various support groups such as teachers and counsellors. In this article I am referring to a child that has developed a style where they will over talk others in the family or generally set up behaviour to ensure that all eyes are on them!

Firstly, let us see the positive here. The child is keen to be actively engaged. This can be a good thing in moderation. Repeated bouts of behaviour that draw attention to themselves can be self destructive and the child is not learning the best ways to be effective as a communicator.

For these children, it is all about setting up conditions that give them the opportunity to have a voice and also to learn the benefits of listening to others.

This is a slow and steady process which does require trying to set up positive reinforcement for the child when they successfully change their behaviour. I suggest the following ideas may be helpful in working on conditioning some change in their behaviour so that they feel satisfied they are heard and learn to listen to others.

•  Set up a time when you sit and simply talk about the issue. Make sure you affirm their voice first.

  “I am very impressed that you want to be part of so many conversations. It can be tricky   when we all talk at once.”

•  Discuss how taking turns in talking is a positive thing to do. Discuss a simple plan to affirm your child when he practices slowing down and listening to others. Perhaps agree that if he listens well and waits you can give him extra time to talk at the end.

• Play games with the family. This is about sharing and waiting patiently for each person to have their say and their go.

Some parents have found it useful to promise extra chat time before bed when they demonstrated they could listen. I know one family who accumulated the time. For every time the child waited patiently, they added an extra few minutes onto night chats.

When working with children I have found that if you simply sit and listen with intent in an uninterrupted time, they feel quite satisfied. So much of our time in listening is done on the run. Active listening is so helpful for these children as you are gently repeating and reflecting back on what they have said. On so many occasions, children do not really think we are truly listening and just keep on with the negative attention seeking behaviour.

Don't forget to spontaneously celebrate when they actually slow down and listen.

 “Well Done. You listened to your brother so well. I am wondering what you want to say now?”

Watch your body language around these children. They are very aware that you are sensitive to their repeated calls for attention. If we appear very irritated the behaviour can actually escalate. Try and remain calm and gently remind them about how they are great talkers but need now to wait and listen.

As a family practise silence for a few minutes. Many schools use yoga or meditation to train children into enjoying and understanding silence. Some families have a minute silence before they all chat about their day or eat a meal.

Remember that attention seeking can be for many reasons. The above thoughts reflect helping a child feel reassured that their voice is strong and valued in the family. It can be understood by all in less pronounced ways with support.                           

Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?

The difference each child makes.

How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.

The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.

In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.

Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and  demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.

 The key is for parents to keep in mind:

• Every child is unique.

• Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.

• I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.

• I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.

• I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.

• I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.

• Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.

• I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.

• Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.

• We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.

• Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.

• Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.

When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.

We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.

Every child is unique.

Celebrate the differences in the family.

Just how unique is your family? Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. In the busy life of families, we tend to do more of the same at times and each child will naturally react differently to what is put in front of them. Families often act as a regimented group, it's more efficient that way. What we need to remind ourselves of occasionally is the unique nature of each child. What you notice as different can be a great skill or developing strength.

When working with children who felt vulnerable, it was not uncommon to hear them comment on how they see themselves as different from their siblings. Sometimes, this difference causes problems with the family as it does not fit in with expectations. They perceive their strengths or differences as problem areas. These differences can often just be the child's perceptions or viewpoints or interests.  The trick is to recognise their differences and to acknowledge them wherever possible.

Some children are vocal and express themselves strongly, others are more reserved and reflective. Some children show very visible aptitude in certain areas, others take on a calmer, steadier way of being. It is not about placing a value judgement on the child, but rather recognising their uniqueness.

“I just love the way you organise your room. You are certainly a very neat person. A great quality to have in life and a great example to our family.”

“I wish I could sing as well as you. Your voice is strong and unique in our family”

“Our family is amazing. John is excellent at Maths and your strength is very evident in story writing. We are all so different. I just love all the wonderful strengths we bring to this family.”

Note here how we refer to all the gifts and strengths that the family has and how it strengthens the whole family. Within your family celebrate all the differences which make for a tapestry of family gifts.

Consider:

• Catching them out when you notice their differences.

• Invite your child to talk about the things that they do well.

• Comment on spontaneous behaviour which displays their uniqueness, especially in front of the rest of the family.

• Encourage each child to comment on what they notice about the other siblings.

• Have a brag sheet on the fridge. This is about highlighting characteristics of the child which you want to celebrate across the week.

 It is about creating a family culture that applauds differences and celebrates each person's uniqueness.

Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated

Power games can be dangerous.

I have mentioned the use of power in a previous article. This time I discuss how power can be hidden in how we communicate. We may be perfectly innocent about using power, but still it can appear in our behaviour. Sometimes it would be true to say that a child looks for signs in the parent's behaviour that to them depict the use of power.

Let us not get confused with authority. As parents we have the responsibility to provide for our children and we have the authority to manage them. A child, as early as a preschooler comes to know how you operate as a  parent. They read the signs very well as they need to feel reassured that all is well with them and the parent. In fact, they are frequently checking in with us to see how they are going in your eyes.

These signs through our behaviour, need to be positive, clear and consistent. Giving the child mixed messages only makes them anxious and confused. This can be construed as the use of power. We all know how intermittent anxiety can be hard to live around. This is when we have no prediction of when another person will be reactive.

The following are suggestions to keep the behavioural messages clear to the child and free of building up anxiety in them.

• When you need to talk to a child about a matter speak calmly and with clarity. Often when a child is hearing about how they have done something wrong in class, they will often say that the teacher yells at them. There is something about anxiety and how you are spoken too which is important.

• Short sentences and breaks in between sentences helps children better process what you are saying to them.

• Always try not to be too emotive in how you communicate messages that could cause some distress.

• Check where you talk to a child about important matters. Busy shopping centres, noisy environments, crowded spaces etc will only make the child feel overwhelmed by the situation and powerless to respond.

 Remember to use the I statement

  “I am disappointed that you....”

 Also use the positive I statements as well to ensure balance in conversations.

         “I am very happy that you......”

Ensure that the child understands your purpose for the conversation. Never let them hover about unsure about the outcomes This is quite unsettling and can be seen as using power indirectly.

When talking to a child about a matter, remember to use good eye contact and listen with care when they respond. The child needs to feel that you are really listening to their response and that you value what they say. If you show little interest in their response then once again power is being used over the child.

Always follow up after matters have been resolved and affirm the child's efforts in working through situations.

The use of power over children eventually runs out as the child grows and realises the empty vessel that power has become. We need to be developing a positive influence on our children so that they come to us unimpeded by fear of consequences. We are also teaching them how to manage themselves without relying on the use of power.

In working with children, it was not uncommon for them to tell me which parents they would go to when a problem arose. No surprises it was the parents that listened and did not force their thinking onto them.

This article is about checking in on how your behaviour impacts on your child, keeping in mind that they are looking for reassurance rather than disapproval and incidental use of power.

Children gravitate around what is mentally safe for them. They seek it out. They intuitively search for love and will be comfortably in tune with parents that they emotionally trust and are predictable

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— Charles R Swindell

It’s important we don’t confuse authority with power. Here’s steps to help you work through issues without the use of ‘power’ and teach your child to do the same.

Parents are different and that's OK

Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.

Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.

As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.

Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.

This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.

As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.

Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.

Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.

Both parents could practice the following:

• Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.

• Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.

The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.

When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.

It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.

The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.

Do you have different parenting styles?

Find those conversation spaces they make such a difference.

The days are so complex, busy, noisy and emotionally crowded at times. Everyone wants your time and attention. Finding time to just simply talk to your child without interruptions can be so difficult.

Do days pass when you wonder if you have had any real conversations with your child other than giving instructions, talking about the practicality of the day etc.? You can often feel as though real conversation has passed you by.

This article is about seeking out occasions to have conversations without other factors getting in the way. It is about finding emotional space to just talk about a topic that might be on the mind of the child or yourself. It does not need to have any specific direction, other than pleasant conversation between the two of you.

Many parents find small conversations in the car work well. Sometimes, the simplicity of just sitting in a car together which is uncomplicated and not invaded by other people can be a great time to talk about some matter on your mind. Also bedtime is often seen as a time to have small conversations together. Some parents tell me when snuggled up watching a movie can bring out great conversations. Remember these are pleasant together times where conversation is simply enjoyed between the two of you.

Think about times when you are cooking together, playing together. Find occasional spaces when real conversation can be had by both child and adult. It is amazing how moments of powerful statements can be made in the most ordinary of circumstances. This is about finding small pockets of time where you are simply enjoying each other's space and it can be a perfect occasion to just talk comfortably. Never underestimate how these occasions can be helpful in really talking with your child. These are honest moments and are truly authentic. Most importantly they are enjoyed by both parties.

In working with children I would sometimes go for a walk on the school yard and just talk about the environment. It was amazing how calmly and comfortably the child would feel in talking to you. Make your conversation spaces a popular time for your child to just talk to you without complication, judgement or interruptions. Walk with them in and through conversation.

“When I talk to you, my day gets a whole lot better”

— Kushandwizdom

When was the last time you had a moment to truly connect and chat with your child?

Make the most of your mistakes

We all make mistakes and thank God for that!

Einstein, the great physicist, was famous for commenting on how repeated mistakes led to his final discoveries. We need error to check our thinking and stimulate us to look for other ways and processes to be successful. Having said that, it is still often a concern for some children when they make a mistake. Some children develop a fear of making a mistake. In working with children it often appeared to be tied up with their belief that they will let their parents down. Unfortunately, the more they are conditioned to hanging onto this fear, the less they will try as they feel more secure in just not having a go! After all that makes them feel more secure!

Teachers often struggle with this issue in the classroom. At the risk of sounding too sure of myself, I see this problem generally in first children. They are more inclined to be cautious and only take one step forward and sometimes two steps back!

We need to understand that they fear disappointing others. Therefore, we need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.

 Here are some suggestions for supporting the child through this habit forming problem.

•  As a family set up a 'having a go' sheet. Every time the child tells you that they really had a go over some tricky situation put a tick on the sheet and agree to some reward when the chart has completed ten ticks. This is all about changing patterns and affirming the effort.

• Be spontaneous and when you notice an attempt, affirm the child.

• When you look at the school work that comes home, take care to comment on the work completed and the effort made. Avoid highlighting the mistakes.

          Here you say:

           “These are where you have growth curves to learn more. We all have growth curves.”

             Talk about your growth curves that you are working on to improve yourself.

• Across the week when chatting, talk about one situation where you had a go even though it was hard. Discuss how you felt? Take care not to talk about too many successes. Just focus on the effort you took. Keep in mind their fear of disappointing you. Reinforce how happy you are when they simply, 'have a go'.

  You could say,

            “ I love your efforts. You always have a go and that is what I love about you”

There are some excellent children's feeling books obtainable in most libraries. This could be a great way of talking about fears of making mistakes. Talk to the school librarian or to the local librarian about suitable books. Remember, we are changing their thoughts on what really pleases us. It is all about the effort.

“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

— Albert Einstein

We need to understand that children fear disappointing others. We need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.

Search out opportunities where ever possible. Seize the moment!

Sometimes the days pass with regularity and we rise to meet various expectations. We are so busy just getting through the week and ensuring that we have ticked off all that we need to do especially with regard to children's activities after school etc.

What this article is about is quintessentially to search out the opportunities in the ordinary nature of the day to affirm and acknowledge your child's efforts in many and varied areas, big and small. Incidental praise is very much positive reinforcement intermittently and can be quite powerful and effective in building the child's emotional well being. It is all about the element of surprise. The more you do it, the more realised will become the child's behaviour.

 “Well done. You certainly know how well to unpack the groceries. I can start the dinner now.”

 “I love the way you play with your younger brother. You are so gentle and understanding.”

In this way we identify unrealised strengths in so many areas. Note that this positive talk is quite specific and outlines why you are pleased, grateful or simply happy with their performance.

The more specific you are, the more genuine sounding is the statement. It also tells the child that their behaviour has had an impact on someone else.

 “I really love the way you clean your room. Everything is put back in its right spot and I can walk around the room easily.”

Searching out opportunities is all about noticing occasions when your child spontaneously shows strengths in behaviours which sometimes we just take for granted. I am a great advocate of seizing the moment especially when they demonstrate gratitude, empathy to others or behaviour demonstrating an unselfish nature. This is all about strengthening their emotional literacies.

In the school setting, it is often a feature of the teacher's work. That is to spot the positive behaviour which impacts on others. After all, teachers model such behaviour themselves to the children all day.

Across the day, simply notice those times when your child demonstrates behaviour that does make a difference to those around them. Surprise them with positive recognition. This is optimising their growth.  This is positive feedback.

It also helps the child realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well

Praising children helps them to realise so many of the ordinary things that they do, are actually done well.

Show confidence in your child. It makes such a difference.

This might seem a strange topic? Especially as you will say that I always show my child the confidence I have in them at all times. Our children carefully read messages that we give them both directly and indirectly. They are always looking for that special reassurance from their parents. They are keen to gain approval and the more they understand and appreciate your style of affirming them, the better.

With all of this in mind, this article is alerting us to be consistent and clear in the way we show them how confident we are in them.

 Here are a few thoughts on the matter.

• Use the same words often.

“I am really confident in your ability to do your very best”

After giving such a  message ensure the follow up is equally as valid and does not drop intent.

          “Great effort today. I could see how much effort you put into it.”

•  Always keep the same thread running through your conversations, especially with regard to showing confidence in their efforts. Take care that if you are making some comments about improvement, it still needs to demonstrate to the child that you are confident of their ability to have ago. This confidence has in no way been compromised.

• Areas in which parents can often fall down here is when they comment on sport. Children need encouragement and they need to feel that their best was recognised by the parent. Take care not to subtly imply that you expected more from them or that you were proud of them but extra effort would have been better. When subtle, negative messages are put into such sentences, the child generally just hears the subtle criticism and so the affirmation has very little value.

I appreciate that this sounds complicated but it actually means that showing confidence in a child is simply and exactly that! You say and demonstrate consistently that you have confidence in their efforts and abilities. You understand that improvement is always part of the process. I have seen in working with children that by demonstrating absolute, uncomplicated confidence in a child, improvement naturally occurs.

The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.

“The way you speak to your children, is the single greatest factor in shaping their personalities and self discipline.”

— Brian Tracey

The child who feels that parents have confidence in them, naturally take ownership of their own improvements. After all, if their parents are confident in them, everything is possible.

Keeping school attendance consistent.

I certainly do not want to sound like the punitive Principal who stresses the need to be consistent with school attendence. However, there are sound reasons why being consistent in attending school is so important for your child's overall development.

Firstly, the child needs to develop the life long habit of simply getting up and being accountable to something important, in this case attending school. It is about having a purpose for getting up. Children certainly are keen to be punctual for so many sporting events which they love and for which they feel strongly connected to their peers. Whilst school may not have that same buzz each day, the habit of getting up and regularly attending school teaches them that are honouring an important responsibility.

Behavioural changes can happen if a child does have protracted absences from school. They actually feel anxious about returning as they worry about friendship groups moving on from them. Also missing out on school work causes them to feel less successful in learning and this can cause other problems such as disinterest in their work or general lack of motivation.

In order for children to enjoy school they need to feel successful, socially and through their success in school work. Frequent absences diminishes their capacity to be successful on both scales.

It is also apparent that when children return to school after absences of any length, sometimes their behaviour may change as they are feeling unsure of themselves and their place amongst their peers. Teachers will often comment on the noticeable change.

Another important reason for regular attendance is that you are giving them a strong message that learning is an important part of their life and that you value their attendance each day.

If there are significant reasons for absences including sickness, family holidays etc, discuss with your child why it is important to be absent and plan with the school how you will manage the situation as a family. By doing this you are informing the child that at no point are you not respecting the role of school in their life. It is not incidental, it is a powerful influence in their life, This is all about showing the child that learning is a life long process and should never be seen in an incidental way.

Finally, I appreciate that for some children a week at school can be a long time. It is approximately, five hours a day and the child is being set expectations across that time. Now consider school across ten weeks of a term and forty weeks across the year. This can be a high demand for some children who feel the pressure to succeed or who struggle with peer relations. By allowing them to stay at home only heightens their anxiety.

If school refusal creeps in, parents should act quickly and talk to the school about the matter. Also home should give the child much reassurance that they are proud of their efforts and I would itemise all the positives you notice about school. However, should the child start rejecting school, the sooner it is understood and the child is supported, the quicker the child can move on from being anxious.

Schools are well supported when it comes to helping children settle into school. Of course should a family situation change, sometimes school refusal creeps in as the child may get anxious about home. Whatever the reason, keep the school well in the loop as they take their responsibility very seriously with regard to the child's well being.

By allowing children to stay at home from school only heightens their anxiety.

Bedtime can be tricky.

Who likes going to bed? Do I hear a resounding “yes” from tired parents or a reluctant “no” as there is so much to do when the child has gone to bed. Bedtime is a tricky and difficult time for some families. If you are a family with strong, regular  routine and a fair amount of house discipline, you may find this not an issue. However, many families due to the various ages of children in the family, the variable nature of the week etc. struggle in finding that this is the best part of their day!

It was quite obvious in the school setting that some children needed more sleep than others, some went to bed with ease and anticipation and others were quite often dozing in the afternoon. You certainly do not need a lecture from me as I also struggled with this issue as a busy parent.

When working with children, I noticed that those students who liked routine and order were often able to adjust to sleeping at the same time each night according to their parents. Camps proved this as some children despite all the noise and excitement were asleep by 8:00p.m!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body. Consider the following ideas that may help some families in establishing reasonable patterns with regard to bedtime.

•  Have a family meeting at the beginning of the week and look at the plans for that week. Discuss what time is agreed upon to go to bed each night. This may vary a little subject to family demands.

• Discuss what bedtime looks like for each child. Is it reading for half an hour, listening to music etc? It may be different for each child subject to age and interests. Also daylight saving may present different challenges for bedtime arrangements.

• Set up a chart perhaps on the fridge and agree to tick off each day after everyone has honoured the arrangements.

• If the night before was successful remember to affirm everyone for their efforts. If not so successful gently discuss what prevented the plan from working well.

Parents should also put their plans in place and use the chart to show the children how important it is to reflect on how much sleep they are getting each night.

Check the environment in which the the child is sleeping. Are there too many lights to distract them set up around the house. This also applies to noise around the house at bedtime.

Sometimes children do need a soft light to assist in sleeping. This is all about discussing with them what makes them comfortable at bedtime. Respecting each child's feelings about sleep is important so that they understand you are listening as a parent to their concerns.

Also note that if the child is highly active before bed this could delay their ability to settle. Consider how to slow down the house stimulation before bedtime. Some parents find turning down lights is helpful to calm the home environment.

Whilst we all desire the routine and regularity of bedtime, I believe it is best to make it a weekly family discussion so that everyone is aware that regular sleep is valued in the family.

We are all working towards maintaining the best situation possible under the pressures of the week.

Happy sleeping!

Research tells us that regular sleep patterns and plenty of sleep are needed for a healthy mind and body.

When one child demands your attention, how do the others cope?

Tricky situation when one child is extra demanding. Often in families with several siblings one particular child can be more demanding than the others. This can be for many and varied reasons and certainly if a child is somewhere on the spectrum, difficult behaviour that escalates quickly can dominate your family time and compromise your quality experiences with other members of the family.

Parents become frustrated as they deal with this ongoing and difficult matter. They feel remorse as they do not have the time or energy to give to their other children. One child's behaviour and demands overrides the needs of the others.

This article is to reflect on the other children in the family and to understand more fully their emotional response to this phenomena which impacts on their life throughout childhood.

Often children develop ways of operating when bad behaviour from another sibling occurs regularly. They may escape the scene or attempt to solve the problem for their parents. They may even get caught up with thinking that they are to blame. Whatever their reaction, there is one emotion that many children will go through and that is a feeling of anxiety for their parents going through the grief of their sibling's behaviour.

 You may often hear them say to the parent,

 “Are you OK mum?”

“Is everything OK?” 

They may feel vulnerable and give lots more hugs or offer to do more around the house, etc. It is quite common for children to feel anxiety when they see their parent under pressure. Also tied up in this feeling is a sense of loss for the time they could have with their parent, one on one. This is a form of grief and no surprises that resentment can build in the siblings who sit by and see their parent under such duress. This is a difficult situation for parents who only want the very best for all their children and yet one child is so demanding.

 Here are a few thoughts on how to reduce the other children's resentment:

•  Have an open discussion with the siblings one on one at regular intervals.

Ask them:

“Sometimes mum does have a difficult time with your brother and I wonder how you feel about it?”

 Also note they will be worried about you particularly.

 “When you see mummy upset with your brother, are you worried about me?”

“On a scale of one to ten how worried are you?”

“Let's find ways that we can have one on one time together.”

• Plan each week to talk to the other children about how they are feeling when poor behaviour escalates. Ensure that when an escalation occurs that you tap into them to bring down their anxieties and reassure them of your coping skills. Keep an eye on your first child as they can be quite conservative and really feel the responsibility of the problem.

• It is quite confusing for the siblings to understand their role when such behaviour occurs. Plan to have family meetings and talk about everyone's role in the family. These meetings should be when you feel calm and in control. The sibling's role is definitely not to manage the behaviour nor are they in any way responsible for it.

• If a child is under some support such as a counsellor or psychologist, some parents choose to have  a session with the counsellor and the other siblings to help the whole family understand the reasons for the behaviour.

Primarily this article is about reassuring and reducing anxiety for the other siblings who naturally feel your pain and want to help but can feel somewhat helpless. It is all about giving them the reassurance that your relationship with them is intact and that you as parent in a loving way, have the responsibility of supporting all your children no matter what their needs. It is not their responsibility to manage their difficult sibling.

As the siblings grow up, in time they understand the situation better, but the grief of the compromised relationship they had with their parents can still linger and this needs to be understood by the parents.

What you would like the siblings to reflect on later in life is that although it was hard for mum and dad to deal with the situation, they would always talk to us about its implications on their relationship and they would work on other ways of ensuring our needs were met.

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Who ever said parenting was easy!

Friends are such an important aspect of a child's feeling of self worth.

Do you have a friend? As an adult we have developed social skills that ensure that we can form friends. We are also socially mature enough to cope with disappointments and to not feel under valued when a friendship ceases. Not so with our children, especially in the primary years. This is a time when they are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship they see as a mark of emotional success.

Of course by nature of their development, the friendships will come and go and some will be sustainable, others will have bitter sharp endings which cause the child hurt and confusion.

This is about building social stamina and it also involves building resilience and a growing wisdom to accept the fall outs and to seek friends that make them happy without complications.

I found it interesting as a Principal that parents would naturally worry when their child transferred to our school, as they were concerned about how they would settle and form friends. In almost all cases, not only did the child settle but learnt very quickly how they were successful in forming new friends. This undoubtedly built their self esteem. The change of experience helped accelerate a better understanding of groups and friends.

 Consider the following thoughts about how to support your child through the rigours of finding friends:

• Remember, they are not your friends and even though a child may choose a friend that you have some doubts will be suitable, it is important that they work out the ups and downs of that relationship. You are there to discuss their friendship journey but cannot choose their friends.

• Take care not to talk negatively about their friends. This confuses the child and this is an encouragement for them to go underground and not tell you with whom they are associating. This was quite common in working with children to hear them say that as mum doesn't like a certain child, they just don't let them know that they spend time with them.

• Encourage your child to talk openly about their friendship experiences and when they invite you in to offer opinions, talk generally about what works and perhaps talk about the highs and lows of your journey with friends.

• Be open and invite their friends home no matter what you may think about their suitability. In this area you have an all inclusive policy.

• Take care when having birthday parties. Ensure that it is an inclusive list and not one ostracising children unduly.

• If a child talks about school related friendship issues, together with your child talk to the teacher so that sound strategies can be put in place.

• A careful “I” statement when a child talks about another child who has been unkind is worthwhile.“It sounds like they are not ready to be a good friend at the moment.” Take care here not to talk negatively about the other child.

• Never understate their upset feelings about failed relationships. Often they can have very strong unsettled feelings as it is about their sense of self worth.

Finally, a child must grow to own the responsibility of being in relationship with others. Parents can be great listeners, but the child must experience the journey of learning about relationship with all its disappointments and joys.  

This is a time when children are slowly developing their social literacies and developing friendship, they see as a mark of emotional success.

Learning to deal with conflict

We are always on the look out for preventative measures to avoid conflict in our family setting. This is no doubt a sensible way of allowing a child to have a balanced childhood with appropriate affirmation and encouragement and reduced conflict. Having said this, a child will still need to develop skills in recognising and managing conflict. This starts very early in their life. At kindergarten, children begin to learn cooperative play, mixing with other children, sharing etc. Some say that babies have very intense feelings from birth.

Conflict is a natural part of life and as the child matures, skills need to be developed that enable them to better understand themselves and their ability to work effectively with others. They need to develop an awareness of their feelings and reactions to certain situations. They need to develop a language that enables them to cope with potential conflict situations in their day to day life. Some call this emotional competence.

 A parent can help a child develop these competencies in the following ways:

• How you model social interactions is crucial to their developing an understanding of how to manage conflict. If a parent is over reactive, angry and not reflective, this will impact on the child's understanding of managing conflict. If they see the parent, attempt to remain calm, look at the situation clearly and resolve the matter through dialogue and negotiation, this also has an impact on children, a very positive impact.

• Teaching the child how to negotiate is a key skill you are giving them in managing conflict.

  “I understand we have a problem with regard to going to bed on time. Let's find ways             together  to help this problem.”

  “I am upset that you are not doing your chores. Let's list ways of helping you.”

  Teaching negotiation is about putting up options that will help solve the problem and this will involve negotiation and hopefully an outcome of win/win.

• When a conflict occurs remember this is a time to demonstrate good modelling, just slow down, choose a good time to work through the issue with the child and definitely do not deal with the conflict on the run. Begin to look at how both you and the child can look at the issue working towards respecting each others needs. This will involve compromise and what a wonderful emotional tool you as a parent are giving the child.

Many areas of conflict occur at school. You cannot be there on such occasions but discuss with your child what strategies they will use when they are dealing with conflict. This would make a great family discussion regularly.

Schools are generally well set up when it comes to dealing with conflict issues especially given that student well being coordinators are available to support students. Most school teach a range of social skills in class. Most schools teach restorative justice which helps children understand their feelings and those of the other with whom they have a concern. Be in touch with your child's teachers when concerns are raised at home.

When working with children who were quick to temper and had not yet developed social skills to a manage conflict, I would give them this plan.

1.      Stop and think.

2.      What number on the angry scale would you give yourself?

3.      If high walk away, take big breaths and allow some time before dealing with the problem.

4.      If you feel unsure about the skills to work through the problem, seek out an adult.

If we teach our children not to immediately react, often the level of anger drops down and the situation can be dealt without escalation.

The more we teach our children to be emotionally aware, the greater their relationships with others and the more they can effectively engage broadly in various social settings and be influential.

“With our thoughts we make the world”

— Buddha 563-483BC

“With our thoughts we make the world” ~ Buddha

How do you feel today?

Have you noticed that as a parent you can have very high ups and also downs? Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Selflessness can be wearing and there are times as parents finding personal space to recover is difficult juggling work, home and family commitments.

This article reminds us that managing our emotional swings or the more common saying, managing to regulate our emotions is very important around our children. We do need to understand our shifting emotional state and if we tend to get quite low, do we have strategies to help us when in this state?

Do we recognise when we are in this state and especially for prolonged times?

Do we understand ourselves enough to know when our emotional reactions are too extreme in front of our children. Are we able to monitor this or are we struggling to regulate our emotions when dealing with family problems?

Beware of Inter-generational is behavior, such as children repeating patterns of how their parents acted out situations has validity.

Here I am suggesting that too much extreme emotional discharge can create anxiety in children.

I remember parents telling me that when they were over reactive regularly, spontaneously or intermittently, they could see their children's shut down reaction and confused look on their face. They tend to retreat as a means of survival.

The following are some strategies to assist in monitoring your emotional response when around  children.

• Always understand your degree of tiredness. This will help you make decisions on how capable you are to have discussions about family matters that can be emotive. It is best to say that given your tiredness, the matter can be discussed the next day. Of course following it through the next day is critical.

• If there are issues that cause you considerable distress or anger, is it necessary for you to be part of that discussion? Can someone else close to the child take on that issue?

• Talk to your child about how you value regulating your emotions. Perhaps you have some strategies that they could adopt, such as taking big breaths before responding to a difficult situation, walking away, thinking positive thoughts etc.

• If there are certain issues that really press your buttons, explain this to your child. If there are legitimate reasons as to why you can over react easily, let them know these reasons. It is best to be as authentic with your child as possible.

• Remember that when you do over react or become emotionally charged, always come back to the child with an apology or at least an explanation and let the child know why you are disappointed in your over reaction. This demonstrates to the child that you are sincere in trying to regulate your emotions. After all we are human!

Using some of these strategies tells your child that you value emotional balance in your life. It is important in taking ownership of yourself. Such modelling imprints in the child that working towards being in control is developing social and emotional maturity and is to be valued.

Mood swings can be common in most people and especially in parents who are great givers and not takers in their family.

Relationship break ups and other situations that lead to crisis.

We all would like to have a perfect existence without crisis or trauma of any kind. Sadly, life creeps into our perfect world and with this, can come grief and trauma.

The topic of dealing with trauma is quite complex. However, I am very aware of some typical feelings and responses that children have to trauma given my work with them in the school setting.

No matter what the crisis situation that has occurred in the family, many children will for a while shut down their emotions. They can appear quiet and in many cases, their work at school falls back considerably. This is because the shock of what has happened has forced their body to protect itself and learning is not high on their survival list at that time.

One of the early feelings a child can have especially if it is about a family separation is a feeling of self-guilt. They question whether they caused the problem. Another major fear is that if they lose one parent what if they lost both parents?

These thoughts play heavily on their little minds and though irrational to an adult is actually genuine fears for the child. Also, the death of a grandparent who was a close member of the family can be another trigger for distress for the child. They see how upset their parents are and they worry about how this impacts on them.

I could go on with many examples, but the key factor here is that children will experience feelings of grief and they particularly look at their changing vulnerable relationship with their parents.

My first thought here is to say that children should go through the natural process of grief. We need to take care that we do not shut them off from the reality of life. It takes a village to bring up a child and death and trauma of different sorts are part of that village.

Our response to their needs at the time of trauma can be demanding given that the parent is experiencing such deep, personal feelings at that time. 

Here are some suggestions that I feel help the child at that critical time in everyone's life.

• Remember that together you are sharing the grief. Children need honesty more than ever at this time and when a crisis in a family comes, in a careful and planned way it is important to talk to the child about the issue. Try not to avoid telling them for some time.

• Choose the right time and the right place to tell them what is happening. Children can fixate on that situation later and so it needs to be in a calm and reassuring space. It also should be a time when you are appropriately ready to talk to them about the matter. Lead into the conversation with something like:

“I need to talk to you about something that is making everyone sad at the moment.......”

Making a  gentle entry into what you need to talk about gives the child time to prepare their thoughts.

• Remember that when you first tell a child about a relationship break up, death etc. they will only process a little of what you tell them. Speak with clarity and to the point. Going into long explanations when first telling a child about the issue will not be effective. They will only hear the main fact. As time progresses they will ask more questions and when ready, this is a time to talk in more detail.

• Take care that in dealing with a parent's personal grief, the child is not brought into any negative discussion. This is particularly something to watch when there are relations breakups.

Keep in mind that in the early stages a child will be anxious about themselves and their primary securities around them. They may lose some personal confidence for a while and behaviour changes may occur. This is a time to reinforce that they are loved and that supports around them are strong and always present. Reassurance that relationships with the child remain intact is such a critical part of dealing with their grief, especially in the early stages.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child. Most children actually have a very clear understanding of your pain and look to see if in any way that changes their relationship with you. I always remember a child telling me that they never talked to their parent about the matter as they always looked so sad and it would cause them to be sadder.

Grief changes over time and with professional support for all the family, families can move on with their life even though changes have occurred that will permanently alter their world as they know it.

The key point here is that children are very astute when it comes to recognising sadness and distress in the family. They are like a hound dog and can quickly sniff out emotional shifts. Remember to include them in the journey of change after trauma has occurred. Whilst we prefer to shelter them, it is best to build their emotional stamina so that they too can move on with strength and greater capacity to understand life in all its shapes and forms. Within a family, all aspects of life occur and it is a perfect environment to grow across so many aspects of life.

If as a parent you are struggling with your own emotions, choose carefully the time to talk to the child.

Know your limits. It's the safest way.

Have you ever noticed how you change when unable to cope?  This could be through tiredness, health issues or just you have just reached your limit! Beware these are the vulnerable times when we can overreact with our children. Easily done! Sadly we pay a high price in our relationship when this occurs.

Your child has refused to listen all morning and now he has damaged some furniture. It's enough to set off a chain of verbal abuse on the child. When we do this, we come back feeling vulnerable and wondering how we can undo what we have just done!

Always remember it is the behaviour we do not like. It is not a dislike of the child. When we are tired and vulnerable, how we talk to the child often looks and sounds like we dislike the child!

We are all human and children's behaviour can send our pulses racing.

Parents often tell me that using the following strategies helps limit the likelihood of being out of control.

• Consider stepping back from the situation when it gets out of hand. This can be done by walking away for a few minutes, entering another room, deep breathing, counting to ten etc. It is about creating a space between the incident and your reaction.
• Try preventative methods. If you know that there is a likelihood of escalating bad behaviour from the child, are there things that can be done to reduce that escalation. For example, take along toys, books etc. that can be a distraction. Let the child choose what he would like to take with him.
• Ask yourself do you have to go ahead with the activity at that point? Can it be delayed where the child is not involved?

Keep in your mind some simple “I” statements that limit the anger.

• “I am really upset at the moment and can't talk about it.”

• “I am so angry that this has happened. I need some time to think about it.”

Talk to the child about what you are about to do, shopping etc. Discuss what will help them be settled during this time. Rewarding a child who has had to put in an effort is acceptable but of course not all the time.

Progressively, during the morning or the activity, acknowledge their efforts in behaving well. Thanking them for supporting you is also valuable. Comment on how it made you work faster or achieve your goals well.

Remember it is about reducing the likelihood of reactionary behaviour which is sometimes complicated and hard to reconcile. Often, when we do have these outbursts, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction. This causes doubt and confusion in their mind. 

Know your own capabilities and recognise the signs where fatigue etc. will set in and over stimulate your negative reaction to problems. Minimising your reactions enables you to deal with the behaviour in a calmer way.

When we have outburstsover behaviour, the child does not understand the intensity of the problem or the heightened reaction.

Be a negotiator not a winner

Children need to be heard.

Sometimes this is tricky when they are asking for something which seems quite unreasonable.

Remember your childhood and when you wanted something that was important to you. Who were you more inclined to approach? The parent that had a black and white way of operating or the one that calmly listened. I'll bet it was the latter!

Children always gravitate around the parents who listen with interest and who don't dismiss them too quickly. The best approach is to listen with intent and then discuss why you have concerns about their request. If you can reach some compromise, so that a negotiation happens, the child feels that you have at least understood their needs and were prepared to compromise.

For example, if a child wants to go to a friend's place to play, do you agree that this could happen but only perhaps for a short time? This is considering their needs as well as your own.

If a child asks for an Ipad and this is quite unsuitable, explain your reasons and discuss when and how you would be prepared to consider it, sometime in the future.

It is all about creating a win/win. The child feels heard and valued. You feel that whilst you cannot comply with the whole request, there could be some aspects on which you are prepared to negotiate. 

Giving in to requests that do not suit you or simply saying no, without any thought behind the decision, creates dissatisfaction all round and the child has not began to learn the art of negotiation.

Better to keep in relationship with your child by showing them that you listen and where possible can negotiate.

Sometimes in my experience with negotiating with children, as they became more familiar with how to negotiate, they would be quite humorous and say with a smile,

"Can we renegotiate that Mrs Smith!"

Black and white doesn't win the battle

What does a child think about a parent's expectations?

What a big topic. This can become and messy!

Most parents will tell a teacher that they expect high but realistic expectations for their child's achievements. Most parents will also tell you that they regularly affirm their children's work and that they encourage them to do their best.  They will also add that at no point to do they criticise their children for poor work. However, some children still feel undervalued and unsuccessful which can lead to lack of motivation from the child.

A tricky problem if you are a parent just wanting the best for your child!

When I worked with children struggling with their perceived lack of performance and personal image, the following was clearly evident.

• The child had through some way, felt that their parents were not proud of them. They also believed that what they did just wasn't making them valued the way that they wanted to be valued.
• Their perception was quite a blocker for parents who thought that they were affirming their children adequately.

The answer can be quite complex but the following tools can help parents in presenting a strong image of support for their child. These tools have worked well with some families.

Try using the following:

 Always talk about the positive using an “I” statement.

“I appreciate all your efforts today.”

“I like the work you have done. It makes me see all the effort you made.”

Also occasionally saying:

“Sometimes I found it hard to do well myself and I feel so glad that you are having a go at everything you do. This makes me proud”.

The emphasis here is on the child understanding that their work has had an impact on you. For some children, this extra parental reinforcement is so necessary.

Also just affirming simple activities that we take for granted can be helpful in reassuring the child.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. I feel less tired now.”

“ I love your smile. It makes me happy.”

Some children just need more affirmation and reassurance that they are valued. It may not be the case for all the children in your family who may need less personal reassurance.

Every child has their own emotional journey. Sometimes the order of the family can have an impact on where you see yourself, being an only child or just dealing with strong sibling personalities can shape your perceptions. Whatever the reason, every child will respond to their parents differently, subject to how emotionally secure they feel in the eyes of their parents.

Keep in mind:

• How you treat each child in the family may require different treatment.
• No child is a mirror image of their siblings.
• Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.