Read here for pointers to consider wayst to help your child process through the days, weeks, months and terms ahead at school. Children will always want to do the right thing and will be anxious if rules are broken or the messages unclear. They will then begin to feel vulnerable and anxious about what to believe. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Read MoreVictor Borge said,
‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’
Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!
When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.
We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.
Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.
If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.
Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.
Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.
Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.
Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.
Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.
If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.
Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.
Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.
Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.
Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.
Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.
Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.
Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.
Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.
These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”
Hopefully, a routine is now well underway. Children should be very familiar with their teacher and class. Homework processes should be well established and weekly patterns with sport afterschool etc. well entrenched in the family’s life.
There are always changes and challenges in a classroom, not the least of which is the social exchanges that happen between children. This is worth checking in on from time to time. Talk to your child and when in doubt the teacher will have the wisdom and knowledge to know about any incident.
Here are some thoughts to keep the school and home life churning away comfortably in partnership:
Frequently talk to your child about the progress of school. Tuning into school discussion is a way of showing ongoing interest even in the ordinary times.
Keep an eye on homework patterns and remember if the homework is a struggle talk to the teacher, do not resolve it at home. There are many theories about the value or not of homework. It certainly should not be causing family disruption when the child isn’t coping. It is not the role of the parent to take over homework. The ownership belongs to the school.
Attend school information nights or class visits when invited. It is so important to keep up the momentum with your child, that school is important and the information they give out is valuable. Your presence at the school means so much to your child.
Keep an eye on the sleep your child gets during school weeks. As the term progresses, winter creeps in, children can be prone to sickness and fatigue.
Is your child coping with the amount of afterschool activities? This should be looked at in light of their capacity in coping with school, homework etc. More activities do not make for a richer experience. It is all about finding the right balance.
Talk about your child’s friends. Be interested in them. It is most important to a child that their friendships are valued by the family. They rely so much on them for social and emotional support. Your approval adds to their sense of satisfaction.
Read the school newsletter around the family. This is an excellent way to keep in touch and discuss with your child the various aspects of the life of the school.
Use your fridge as a way of talking about school. Put notices on the fridge, refer to them often.
Younger students, especially those in the foundation years get school fatigue after a few weeks at school during the term. Keep an eye on this and certainly, keep them home if they need a small break. Best that they are at school happy and learning rather than developing a sense of sadness and tiredness. Of course, negotiation with your teacher is most important here.
During the school term, it is important to ensure that the life of the school which is such a focus for your child is given high priority in the family. It should not be competing with family demands. This is comforting to your child when they feel that what happens in the day does not stay in the day, it can be discussed happily at night. We want our children to sense a strong interconnection between school and home. They need to see that the learning and life experiences they gain at school which are wide and variable have a real place in the life of the family.
“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”
Are we prone to making quick judgements of people? I would add, are we very vocal about our observations of others? The delicate question that I raise here is how much do we influence our children on the judgements we make of others?
It is natural to have opinions and often this comes from a life lived with increasing knowledge around and about people. If we find ourselves quite opinionated about people are we in full possession of the facts? This blog is just to remind us that young eyes and ears are around and it is not difficult for your judgements to become their judgements. After all, at an early age, they trust your opinions.
What in fact is life-giving for our children is to be open to all kinds of people and to look for the best and not the worst of people. Having such a disposition is very attractive to others and is encouraging a more peaceful, mature way of being.
At school, teachers can see how influenced children become of others from the images formed by their parents. Once a child has such an attitude, they are working from the negative and not the positive.
A classroom is an excellent setting to teach children about accepting differences and growing to like the difference.
Consider:
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
Take care with what is said about others in the presence of your child. You may have strong opinions about someone, but I think it best to be subtle and careful in expressing them in front of your child. Let them slowly and gently form images of others for themselves.
Encourage an attitude that everyone is different and I may have some thoughts about this situation or person but there are many opinions to be considered.
Encourage your child to have an open mind when they encounter people with different views or perhaps ways of communicating.
Teach them that having an opinion is natural, but making judgements that damage can be harmful and lasting. Once judgements are made, opinions are sealed and limited understanding comes from making a judgement.
If your child talks negatively about a child in their class, discuss if they can see the good in that child and encourage them to be open to learning more about that person. A closed mind at an early age is not a healthy way to grow mentally and emotionally.
Social media sadly encourages judgment in all sorts of areas to do with people. Monitor what your child watches and have an open outlook on opinions and attitude about others. Teach them to be open to differences and to find some positive in difficult discussions about people that are controversial.
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
“If you judge people you have no time to love them.”
How often do you laugh? Are you a family that laughs together and often?
Can you remember the last time you had a good belly laugh?
When you think about your past as a child, do you remember people who were always laughing and did this make you feel good?
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness. Cheerful people make us feel better and no surprises, we are drawn to them in a positive way.
In today’s climate with so much intermittent anxiety connected to the pandemic, how about increasing laughter in your family? For some, this will be easy but for some families, it may take some planning and work.
Laughter is like a tranquillizer. It makes you feel alive and connected to those who are enjoying a laugh with you. It is a bonding agent.
Sometimes it is not easy to create humour in difficult times but with some creative thinking, I am sure you can find some happy, warm moments at home that can bring instant laughter into the house.
Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness.
Remember that children love to laugh and crave feeling positive. This is natural to them. They will welcome all the humour you bring into your family life. Your laughter reassures them that they are in a safe happy place. They certainly want to be there.
Consider:
A joke book. Read some jokes at dinnertime. This can be fun for everyone.
Get into the habit of telling your child the funny things that happened to you today. They love to hear positive stories.
Watch a funny movie together. This can be such an upbeat time for families.
In working with children, teachers understand that the tone of their classroom should be positive and happy. To this end, they always welcome a joke and encourage children to share laughter amongst themselves. They understand that joking lifts the spirit. I noticed that if I was happy and talked about some funny situations with children, they were more inclined to talk to me about their concerns.
Shutdown comes with children when they feel insecure and doubt the presence of positivity around them.
Having a cheerful, happy disposition attracts others to you. Having a sense of humour is a gift to cherish. It also lightens the burden of the day.
If our children learn to laugh and come from a home environment that encourages laughter, this will more likely encourage friendships in their life. They then feel comfortable in their connection with others. It also builds their self-confidence in expressing themselves in front of others.
“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
You grow older because you stop laughing.”
Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.
Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension.
Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.
A few tips:
Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?
Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?
Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.
When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.
Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.
Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.
It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.
“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”
Oh, what a year it has been for everyone! Here we are with a few weeks to go, Christmas in the air and school back in action.
Are we normal again? What is normal and is it important to be back in what we understood as normal? Who knows the answer to that question?
With all the variation of the year, changing expectations and the ever-present idea that we could be back in lockdown if everything goes pear-shaped, are we expecting too much?
Here are a few tips to make for a gentle exit to the year and a happy entry into the holiday period.
Be gentle on yourself. If you notice that you are not operating as normal, so be it! Now is a balancing act of getting everything done for Christmas and at the same time remaining calm.
Keep simple and happy routines going for the children. They deserve to feel safe and be reassured of normality in their life. They need to feel a sense of familiarity in their world.
Don’t set expectations too high with regard to learning. The children are getting back into what is a broken year for school and even teachers will find it hard to assess the performance of the children. You may find the school report quite modified to suit the situation. Remember learning has occurred this year in a whole different way.
Keep home life stable and not too unsettled. Be predictable and reliable when promising children what lies ahead.
Take care when disciplining poor behaviour. Check in to find out what is driving the problem. Children can still be unsettled in the school, with friends etc. There may be some matter affecting their ability to function well.
Take care not too overcrowd the week. Let some form of normality operate in your family life. What can you take out of your week to simplify life for the family? Look positively to the Christmas period. It is an excellent time to heal from our unsettled year. Watch old joyous Christmas movies filled with warm feelings, goodwill and happiness.
Reduce negative talk around the house. This can make children anxious.
Finally, keep up the listening with our children. They need to feel heard as they come to understand what they have been experiencing this year.
“Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”
How does it feel to be back into weekly routine with the children at school? Much relief I imagine as well as mixed feelings of having less connection to the children throughout the whole day. These times are curious indeed and we will all have various feelings about what is happening, is about to change again and what is safe and constant in our life. As we approach the normal anxiety that comes with Christmas preparations, we are still dealing with settling the children back into school for a few weeks and planning those summer holidays hopefully with more choice than we have at the moment.
No surprises that the family will be a little unsettled as everyone fits back into a routine, wears masks, shops within 25 Kms etc.
Post Covid 19 - and our new routines.
Unusual times calls for some unusual actions to get everyone through the darkest hours. Here are some thoughts to help ease the stress.
Be kind to yourself, if routine isn’t as you knew it, so be it for the remainder of the year.
Allow the children to be moody and unsettled as they are still finding their balance back at school and in the home.
Check in with your child to ensure that they understand what is happening and that they are not being guided by misinformation which can happen through schoolyard gossip.
Reassure your child that we are getting to the end of the year and with this comes hope for the New Year. We need to build in that component of hope as we work to simply getting better.
Share family time as with the return of school this will mean less time together and to date, you have had an amazing quality time together.
Keep up with family activities as these have probably increased over the past few months and they have been a great healing time together. Reduced family time will be a loss for the children.
Expectations at school will be different and so it is still important to tune into what is being asked of your child. This tells them that your interest in school is still alive.
Keep family conversations going about how everyone is settling back into routine. The child will feel some loss and gain in all sorts of ways. It is best to talk about these feelings and together work through those shifting emotions.
With a few weeks of the school year left and with the approach of Christmas I have three thoughts on my mind:
Slow down
laugh together
share conversations about this year’s journey.
As we enter into our new norm, post coronavirus, how are you a parent and carer coping? There will be change all around us. Some we cannot control and other aspects we may have some control over. Think about how you are entering this new norm and ensure that it includes your wellbeing. The carer needs to be cared for.
Sometimes as a parent we go on overdrive to ensure that our children have all their needs met and this overdrive can make us quite irritable and out of sorts. Notice the signs in yourself as you get back to normal routines. Are you getting tired now that the situation has changed? Are you also getting enough sleep and personal space to ensure that you are as balanced as possible in how you manage your children?
In working with children and in meeting regularly with parents, it became very clear that a tired parent was not a good listener to their children and sometimes had feelings of being quite inadequate in their parenting. This often had a spiralling down effect and the child quickly picked up on the vulnerable state of the parent. This then fuelled anxiety in the child which sometimes manifested in very poor behaviour.
The more vulnerable and less satisfied the parent, the greater propensity for unsettled behaviour in the child.
Don’t forget. You matter too.
I hear you say that there is the plight of the parent.
Consider the following tips on keeping your own life in check which also includes a good dose of happiness.
In each day where does, the “you” time fit in? This could only be ten minutes but some personal time makes us all feel mentally rested.
Look at the balance of the week with all the timetable and activities set. Can anything change to make your life easier? Remember this may mean sacrificing some aspect of your child’s planned week. However, it is necessary to include your needs in the weeks.
It is important to let your child see how you value some personal time. Have this conversation with them:
“Today I will go to bed earlier as I need some time just to read my book. Please help with the clean up after dinner.”
Do you connect well with friends? Conversations between friends especially those in the same situation can remind you that you are all in a busy time of your life. Ensure that these are positive chats and not just ones to bring you down. Avoid the negative talk as it can be quite destructive.
Bring laughter into your life often. I know one woman that watches 30 minutes of the comedy show a day just to have a laugh and feel better. When you need to address issues with your child, consider how you feel, try to talk about matters when you are less tired and reactive.
Take a walk often. Even a short one around the neighbourhood. Fresh air lifts the spirit and creates some personal space.
Do you have a passion? It could be reading, jogging, the gym etc. Ensure that this is a regular part of your week and try not to reduce this precious time because of busy circumstances. Ensure you let the children know how important this time is to you.
Ensure that around the house are important objects that make you feel better. Photos are great. Flowers enlighten the day, cups of tea are easily accessible. Keep your running gear close at hand. It is all about ensuring the home also is your comfort station and not a working family space.
Catching up with friends for short intervals can also lift the spirits. It is amazing how short intervals of feeling better can generally improve your mood.
Leave messages around the house to remind you about things that are important to you. On the fridge mention your gym days. In the bedroom have your book etc. near the bed. Keep your runners near the door.
Giving yourself visual images of what is important to you, lift the spirit and raise the importance of the activity in the life of the family.
These thoughts are about ensuring that you matter. The more you raise the family’s awareness of the importance of having your special time, the more the family understands that care is for everyone and everyone feeds off each other’s care.
“Be there for others but never leave yourself behind.”
We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic. There is no doubt that anxiety can be present all around us in varying ways. The news, negative discussion amongst family members, statistics every day and so the list goes on to suggest that mounting anxiety can occur.
Your child will, of course, be processing all the news they hear. They will also read the signs you give them through your concerns and let us not forget the very visible presence of wearing masks each day. The mere fact that they are working from home and online presents its own worries and is another example of how isolating it is as a way of life.
We cannot dismiss the above, but we can put in place certain behaviours and actions that help a child cope during these difficult times. It is all about finding strong coping skills during these difficult times.
Consider the following which I believe may have some ideas for you to consider in reducing some anxiety for your child.
We are talking quite a lot about the mental health of our children especially during these difficult times living through the pandemic.
Be happy. Show them some optimistic news such as the numbers reducing. A smile makes such a difference. It is a great feel-good tool.
Talk about the wonders of modern science and how a vaccine will be developed that will combat the pandemic.
Keep busy. Idol time has a way of inflating anxiety.
Set up a schedule where you all are aware of how the day will be spent. Ensure that it is variable and the child has to focus on different directions throughout the day. The more you shift and change thinking, the more rethinking is necessary for the child.
Put into it elements of surprise to keep them guessing.
Play a lot and laugh a lot. There is so much humour to be found with and around children.
Watch humorous movies that bring the family together and show the funny side of life. This, of course, includes reducing individual time with intense computer games.
Is there a significant family project that you can work on? For example, can they paint their bedroom with assistance? Are they able to make a go-cart? Projects that take time and effort can be so much fun. They are impressive because of their scale.
Read more stories to your child. Is there a family time when everyone reads together?
I have mentioned before the value of playing together. Here I add the value of being physical together. This could be playing football, soccer etc. Contact games are a wonderful way to disconnect from problems. The physical exercise releases all the necessary chemicals to genuinely feel better.
Playing music that you can share together and dance for some families can be a great release.
The suggestions are just a few ideas. Think about what makes your family happy and focus on building that happiness up on a regular basis.
“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, more unashamed conversation.”
This is a short reminder that when you express anxiety, this can be modelled by your child. They are keen to learn from you in many and varied ways. They look to how you respond to situations and will grow to understand how you interpret life, the way you react to difficult situations etc. No escaping it. As the parent, your behaviour is being internalised and modelled by your child. On the bright side, this can be seen also as a positive. Consider all the various experiences in your life where you display compassion, love, forgiveness and tolerance. Don’t underestimate all the positive behavioural aspects of your life that are internalised by your child.
Often, we say is it nurture or nature that gives direction to the way our children respond to life issues? Whatever the answer, there is no escaping that how you express your life will have an impact on your child.
In working with children, it was not uncommon to hear them talk about the way in which their parents would respond to situations. They were very much in tune with your levels of approval, disapproval and tolerance. They are generally not of an age that can be too discerning and so they will mimic your emotional responses quite often. Consider the following thoughts to give guidance when you are feeling unsettled or anxious.
Try to express your feelings in simpler forms. Adult versions of what makes you unsettled can be confusing.
Is it necessary to talk about your anxieties in front of your child? This is where you need to be discerning and especially consider the age of the child.
Sometimes just stopping and thinking is best before rushing into a response that can be critical or provocative.
When feeling unsettled decide how you want to present yourself in front of the child. Is it feasible to remove yourself for a while?
Teachers understand that working with children they must maintain an even temper and disposition. In this way, the child becomes climatized to an emotionally stable teacher and classroom. This does not preclude the occasions to discuss feelings of being unhappy. However, such discussions are done in a controlled and responsible way.
As parents, so much happens spontaneously and on the run. Take care to be aware of the presence of your child when talking about serious matters to other adults.
If you are anxious or unsettled, talk to your child in a way that helps them understand what is going on.
“Today I feel quite unsettled as I am starting a new job.”
Here it is about giving them some insight into your feelings without undue anxiety developing on their part. It is also aligning some anxiety as being in the normal range. A child needs to understand how you manage your anxious moments and learn sound responses for themselves.
The essence of this article is to gently remind us that children are very receptive to changes in our emotional state. They need and feel more secure when they see that you are secure. Allowing them to learn about managing anxiety by watching your responses can be a great benefit to them forging strong ideas of self-management.
How you express yourself will have an impact on your child.
Language and how we use it can be a tricky process. It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.
It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.
How we talk about our children matters.
It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.
We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.
This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.
If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.
Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:
“Well done. You know how to set a table.”
“Great effort starting your homework”.
“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”
“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”
“I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”
Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.
If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.
“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”
Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.
When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.
“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”
Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.
When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.
Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”
Have you found your pre-teen child acting a little differently? Perhaps they seem to have lost their cuteness and baby friendliness.
Well, be reassured this is normal. As the child grows to being a teen or older, they are developing their reasoning and understandings of the world and themselves in a very critical way.
Do you have an emerging teenager?
Teachers, when given their class for the new year, would put a lot of thought into the age group that they would be teaching. Some teachers particularly felt stronger teaching younger children and there were some teachers who felt they had a particular aptitude to working with children at the senior level of the school. What was happening here is the teacher’s awareness that how you teach children should reflect their age and mental capacity to process information. Also having an understanding of their developing self-awareness was important. It was also necessary to reflect on the language used and how you build their self-esteem.
As a parent, you are exposed to the emotional changing face of your child. At first, we can approach noticeable differences appearing with trepidation. However, we need to develop a healthy and positive attitude to the changes you see developing in your child.
We need to accept that change is normal and that we are ready to help the child through such changes. As growth occurs, particularly expect changes in emotions. This will impact on how they perceive problems and it will reflect on how they respond to situations. The pre-teen is beginning to see the bigger picture and question where they fit into it. Suddenly, other people’s opinions matter, as well as their parents, and they are keen to find a social place in their world. Often, they are keen to have more personal space and look to parents for trust in the independent decisions they make which are out of the hands of parents.
It is a time of personal awakening and the child begins to see the bigger picture, offer opinions and they are keen to demonstrate their ability to be independent thinkers and doers in different ways.
I particularly enjoyed teaching this age group, as it was a great time for children to question, probe and be innovative in their work. They grew more vocal, more personally confident and their social engagements with friends often deepened. Also, they began to recognise their own strengths and to understand their place in society.
If you have a child who is going through this pre-teen period consider the following thoughts that may help you deal with what can be a confusing and tricky adjusting time for all the family.
If you notice changing moods stay with them and try not to over question. Be prepared to be shocked and pleased in unusual ways. Remember this is also a testing and discovery time for your child. They will try on new values, new concepts which can be testing.
Talk often as a family. Invite conversations about what has been happening over the week. Try not to probe especially when they are not talkative.
Affirm noticeable changes. This can be through their school work, home habits etc. This is all about reassuring the child that they are valued for their differences as well as their commonalities.
“I notice that you are wearing a different hairstyle today. I like this new look.”
Take care not to put extra demands on your child if they are struggling to cope with school and home. This can be a sign that they need some respite, not additional duties. A child at this age can become quite overwhelmed by all the changes and expectations placed on them.
They will probably spend considerable time in their bedroom. Just check in with this habit ensuring that they have adequate family time for discussion. Keeping your child busy with activities such as sport can reduce the time they spend on their own and keep their spirits uplifted through physical exercise.
Be generous in allowing them to engage with friends. Invite them into your home and ensure that you place no judgements on their friends. This is a sensitive time for a child in establishing friends.
Your child that is normally bubbly and talkative may suddenly talk less and become more remote. Some of this behaviour is normal. However, check in to ensure that your child still has a balance of family time, busy activities etc.
Take care not to be critical of the changes you notice. This also includes not referring to how you liked them when they were younger and less irritable or sulky etc. Here you are understanding and accepting of the transition your child is undergoing. Respect their right to make that transition.
These thoughts simply remind us that pre-teens are a very changeable and sensitive time for children. They are discovering themselves physically, emotionally and mentally. They will be making personal assessments of their own successes and failures. A parent’s role is to allow them that time to make changes and to celebrate all new aspects of metamorphosis that appear in your child. The caterpillar that becomes the butterfly, works hard to create that change.
“There are two gifts we should give our children;
One is roots,
And the other is wings.”
Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.
However, let’s consider a few facts. Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.
Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19
Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.
Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.
Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed? Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?
Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?
Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.
Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.
Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.
Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.
Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.
The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.
What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.
As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.
With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?
Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.
Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.
Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.
Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.
Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.
Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.
When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.
In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.
Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.
Consider the following:
Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.
Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.
A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.
Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.
“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”
A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.
And it will from time to time. This is a new norm for all of us and we are learning to live in a whole different way around ourselves and each other. There will be whole new set of skills we are trying to learn on the run as we have so many uncertainties around us.
Let’s not to be too hard on ourselves when we:
Are there days when if is all too much?
simply don’t understand our child’s behaviour
find it difficult to listen to each other properly
become less tolerant of poor behaviour and show less interest in understanding it
lose interest in being constantly supportive
find it hard to be the teacher and worry about their learning
become fatigued and intolerant when repeating instructions
use language that isn’t appropriate.
Let’s accept that we are not perfect and our vulnerable human side will come out when we feel frustrated or unsatisfied. The circumstances we are all living around are almost surreal and there is no guidebook.
Now that you understand that being perfect just isn’t on the radar, consider the following to help ease the tension and turn negative into positive where and when possible.
If you enjoy music play it often and enjoy the wonderful release it gives you.
Just ignore some behaviour recognising that your child is also trying to regulate themselves in the new world. Only fight the battles that are really important and don’t do it when you are not in a good space to respond.
Check the day activities. Include some positive experiences are built in to the day. This could be games together, cooking etc. Remember that you are building a stronger relationship in difficult circumstances. Every little effort helps.
Can you build in rest during the day? This could be as simple as sitting on the couch, watching some television etc. Not everything must be hyperactive and stimulating. Teaching children to just be calm is so important.
Remember, that we are adjusting to a new norm. You are creating your own world in your home with your children.
If housework has now increased with the family being at home, do you have to keep up the same pace. Change routines here so that irritability and fatigue don’t creep in. How tidy does the house need to be?
Go through all your beautiful photos of the children over the years. This can be a great rediscovery for the children and a chance to put some order into them.
Learning for the children comes from many sources and not just a classroom. Your home in its own way is a classroom. Relax and know that you are teaching them throughout the day in various ways. You may be discussing the coronavirus, making pasta, discussing the wellbeing of the pets. All are learning experiences for the child.
Be alert to your levels of tiredness. This could be in the middle of the afternoon etc. Do less in that time and pull away from heavy, heated discussions and activities. Recognise your pressure points and tune into your moods. This will help you make choices which will not cause further anxiety and escalation of emotions. Children read your every mood.
Listen to the serious update news once and not anymore for the day. Repeated news that is disturbing can bring down moods very quickly. Find something positive to listen to during the day.
Praise yourself for doing such a great job in such a difficult, unprecedented situation. We often hear how difficult it was for families during the war. We are now in our own war and need to recognise how clever we are in finding ways through it.
Have you already discovered how you are using your intuition and self-awareness to make the home workable? You are probably noticing differences that you may introduce after we get through the worst of it. From adversity comes innovation. Well Done!
“Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.”
This is a great strategy to use in difficult times. We are all living in confined spaces for some time. This is the new norm. We are all trying to reinvent a situation in the home that works for all involved from the youngest to the oldest. Whoever thought that such a confined and prolonged situation would happen?
Well it certainly has and whilst we have to recreate, we also need to recognise our trigger points and all the various aspects of the day that can set us off. It is natural to be reactive in confined spaces.
This article is simply to remind us of an excellent strategy, one that is used by many people when they feel overwhelmed. This strategy works on various levels. It all about the art of simply walking away when it gets too much. This strategy works because it creates some emotional space between the incident and the feelings of heightened anger or frustration which invariably lead to an explosion.
Does this look like you at times?
Once you leave the immediacy of the situation and simply distance yourself from what has upset you, you will automatically slow down this heightened feeling. Other forms of this strategy are to avoid walking into situations when you know you will react. This is taking quite a proactive stand.
Creating the distance has a remarkable calming effect on the intensity of the problem. If the problem was a ten out of ten, now it may be an eight out of ten.
If you anticipate reacting badly to some potential situation at home, can you remove yourself for a short period to slow down your response? It really works.
In working with children, it was accepted that you never responded straight away, you allowed a moment or two to elapse which led to better outcomes in dealing with the problem. It helped to process the problem better and to prepare a more suitable response. Teachers are quite skilled in doing this as there are many times in a busy day in a crowded classroom that they can be quickly overwhelmed by a problem.
Removing yourself is effective for the following reasons.
You are not overreacting and saying and doing things that you later regret. Keeping everything in proportion is so important.
Creating space helps you have time to process the problem and put it into perspective. It is amazing how your brain works to recover from the heightened anger quickly when you allow that mental space.
It allows the child to think about what has just happened and this gives them time to respond with less anxiety.
You are generally sounding calmer and direct your comments to the child in a more acceptable way. The child is more likely to listen if the parent is in control.
The more you train yourself to step away when feeling very upset, the more you will appreciate that the outcomes are better for all concerned.
You are also demonstrating to your child that you need time to understand what has just occurred. You are not over judging.
Keep in mind that at all times in communication with your children you need to manage how you communicate by being in control. When situations look precarious find ways to step away from the situation at least for a little while until you feel more in control. Whilst living around each other in confined spaces train yourself to recognise the trigger signs that set you off. Being in control will also be noticed by your children which is a calming agent for them.
This article is a simple one. It just gives us an excellent method of managing tempers that can quickly escalate.
Practice walking away in your mind and perhaps physically walking away from the situation for a moment. Be silent in voice and body. You have nothing to lose but much to gain in showing effective self-discipline in highly charged situations.
“The best answer to anger is silence.”
Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:
You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.
I am a poor parent.
I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.
I really try but they don’t listen.
Why are they so nasty?
I don’t like their personality.
So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.
I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability. You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.
My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.
Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.
He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.
Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.
Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.
Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.
Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.
When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?
Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.
When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.
Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.
When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.
Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.
Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.
There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.
“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”