How to give children a way of understanding failure.

Growing up is such a learning curve on so many levels!

As an adult we understand through our developed emotional intelligence that failure happens to all of us. We also understand that sometimes it takes time and effort to turn failure into success.

We also learn that failure is another way of learning and growing stronger.

A child who has less experience and is not emotionally mature enough to understand failure can see it as quite a blocker to their learning. They can shut down quite easily, being more comfortable in not doing anything rather than “having a go”. The more frequently this happens, the longer it takes to change the patterns.

It is quite common to hear parents comment on how their child has stopped trying as they are scared of failure. After all, in their mind, the best defence is just not doing the work, if it gives you feelings of being unsuccessful. As a parent, this can be quite daunting, especially if you feel that you are always affirming them for their efforts.

I have seen this pattern in many children and no surprises, it is often the first child that struggles in this area. There is no simple answer, as it does require the child developing a set of skills to overcome this fear and this takes time and perseverance on the part of the supporting family. Below are some suggestions for supporting your child's developing  emotional awareness.

With a child who is finding their work never adequate or good enough, affirm different aspects of their work not just offering an overall affirmation.

“I really like the way you drew the line on the page. It's very straight”

 “I am so impressed that you started that sentence well.”

Here you are building positive comments in that are real and the child can see that it is genuine.  But take care not to constantly affirm as the child disengages from excessive, general affirmation.

Talk openly about failures that you have had to deal with and discuss the ways you solved the problem or at least handled the situation. Here you are reinforcing the concept that failure is part of everyday life. This is effective coaching without forcing solutions on a child.

There are wonderful books on building self worth and coping with failure. Book stores that cover emotion and feelings are excellent for this purpose. As you read the stories of how failure was a process that a child had to work through, discuss similar times in your own life.

Keep a success journal. This means that every time your child has felt that they overcome a feeling of failure, write about it as a family. Remember, we are affirming the efforts or tools that the child used to overcome the fear.

Also a success jar is fun where you add a marble every time a child works through a fear of failure.

Talk to your child's teacher about the areas that they notice cause anxiety in your child. This gives you some ideas on what areas to affirm at home. Remember to be specific when affirming.

Use the scale approach.

“You are anxious about that test? On a scale of one to ten how do you feel? Now what can we do to drop that number and slow the anxiety down?”

Here you acknowledge that sometimes you will still have anxiety about the problem but by finding ways to lower the fear, you can cope so much better.

Keep in mind that it is important to recognise their fears and not downplay their importance. This way they know you are really listening to them.

“It sounds to me like you are really worried about talking in front of the class. Tell me more about that feeling.” By listening honestly, the child will be comfortable in talking about their fears.

Discuss with the whole family how important it is to acknowledge the child's fear and encourage other less stressed siblings to not underplay their fear.

Learning to cope with fear is a gradual process and once a child develops some tools to cope better and feels success from this, they begin to strengthen their emotional maturity and identify in themselves the cues that lead to fear of failure.

Affirmation for your child's good work and success is important.  How much is too much and when is it needed?

What does a child think about a parent's expectations?

What a big topic. This can become and messy!

Most parents will tell a teacher that they expect high but realistic expectations for their child's achievements. Most parents will also tell you that they regularly affirm their children's work and that they encourage them to do their best.  They will also add that at no point to do they criticise their children for poor work. However, some children still feel undervalued and unsuccessful which can lead to lack of motivation from the child.

A tricky problem if you are a parent just wanting the best for your child!

When I worked with children struggling with their perceived lack of performance and personal image, the following was clearly evident.

• The child had through some way, felt that their parents were not proud of them. They also believed that what they did just wasn't making them valued the way that they wanted to be valued.
• Their perception was quite a blocker for parents who thought that they were affirming their children adequately.

The answer can be quite complex but the following tools can help parents in presenting a strong image of support for their child. These tools have worked well with some families.

Try using the following:

 Always talk about the positive using an “I” statement.

“I appreciate all your efforts today.”

“I like the work you have done. It makes me see all the effort you made.”

Also occasionally saying:

“Sometimes I found it hard to do well myself and I feel so glad that you are having a go at everything you do. This makes me proud”.

The emphasis here is on the child understanding that their work has had an impact on you. For some children, this extra parental reinforcement is so necessary.

Also just affirming simple activities that we take for granted can be helpful in reassuring the child.

“Thanks for helping me with the groceries. I feel less tired now.”

“ I love your smile. It makes me happy.”

Some children just need more affirmation and reassurance that they are valued. It may not be the case for all the children in your family who may need less personal reassurance.

Every child has their own emotional journey. Sometimes the order of the family can have an impact on where you see yourself, being an only child or just dealing with strong sibling personalities can shape your perceptions. Whatever the reason, every child will respond to their parents differently, subject to how emotionally secure they feel in the eyes of their parents.

Keep in mind:

• How you treat each child in the family may require different treatment.
• No child is a mirror image of their siblings.
• Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

Every child listens carefully for parental reassurance, some listen more closely and need to hear it more often.

How to understand and accept influences outside the family.

A child may seem like they in a cocoon for a few years after birth. After all we are the sole carers as parents and we have carefully nurtured and guided their development, socially, emotionally and intellectually. What a powerful influence we are when the child is in dependent stages. Parents should be proud of their work in those foundational years.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing. It's like, “move over mum and dad there are other influences in my life now and they are important!” This can be a confusing time for parents as the child talks about other families and focuses on building a strong relationship with their teacher.

A challenge for parents is when the child begins to mimic or quote values that are not consistent with the family values. They may be using different language which they hear at school or simply copying behaviour.

This is a natural for a child to reflect on other family values. Often play dates at other family's homes brings new influences into a child's life.

As a parent think about the following advise to help adjust to the child's broadening world.

Firstly do not show negative body language when you hear something that doesn't sit favourably with you. The child is just experimenting with different ways of being.

It is best to say,

“You are acting in a way that makes me a little sad. In our family we like to ….........”

Remember that the child likes and is comforted by the security of the home, but needs to feel that you are receptive to hearing about alternative ways of being. A child gets mixed messages if they are allowed to associate with children but have parents that present negatively to them.

As a family talk about how families are different.  When a child wants to talk about their friends or experiences, listen with interest and if there is some aspect that does not fit in your family values then discuss the difference and reinforce why you have different ways to operate as a family.

Attend school activities and having a presence in the classroom also shows the child that you  happy to be around all the children and the life of the school. This reassures them that everyone is acceptable on the part of your family. Once the child is at school, their world becomes so much bigger and there will be influences ever present. For the child it is all about testing the waters, recognising what works for them. This takes time and with careful support and not controlling the childs' world, they eventually make choices which are often based around their family values.

In working individually with children it was very evident that those children who came from families with a more open and accepting set of values,  were more inclined to make socially and emotionally based decisions.

I always hear from parents after their child starts school how they start to grieve as the child brings home a great love for their teacher and friends start developing.

Who agrees with who in parenting?

Have you discovered since becoming a parent how different both parents can be when it comes to parenting styles? This is quite common in families.

In facilitating parent courses, it was quite common to hear parents say that their styles of parenting were quite different. Often it was based on how they were brought up as a child. This can be quite daunting for couples who think they are so compatible on so many levels!

Often we don't think about how we will react as a parent to a child's behaviour until it actually happens!

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child. After all, it is hard to change how your understand child rearing given your own journey as a child, be it positive or negative. The key approach is to simply agree that at times you will have different understandings of the problem at hand.  The child certainly knows this and no surprises that they gravitate around the parent that is less punitive and has more listening skills. After all, didn't we do that ourselves when growing up?

Consider the following points when managing parent issues:

• Both parents should talk to their child recognising that sometimes mum or dad may see matters differently and that this is normal.
• Agree that sometimes mum may deal with issues and sometimes dad. Of course all issues will be discussed as a family.
• What is most important is that the child does not side one parent off with the other. This is where it gets complicated. Children are very aware of how parents can have different opinions on matters pertaining to all sorts of things such as homework, staying out late, tidiness, etc.

Whoever deals with the issue should maintain the following:

• Listen effectively.
• Respond calmly and then actively listen to the concern.
• After agreeing to understand the issue start negotiating. In the negotiation stage, this is where parents may have different expectations and this is quite acceptable.
•  If both parents use this same approach, the child will feel that they have been dealt with fairly and consistently. They will also recognise that whilst parents have different expectations, they still listen and negotiate in the same way.

This topic was the cause of much discussion in my parent groups and we all agreed that sometimes it was better to let one parent deal with certain situations as they were less emotive or at least more familiar with the matter under discussion.

So in summary, parents should use the same method of working through the problem and negotiate with your interests or investments to be included.

It is quite normal to have different approaches to rearing a child.

Improvement and Achievement - where does it begin and end?

Have you noticed how praise is important on so many levels? We all need praise, no matter at what age! This blog is about understanding that we need to be quite specific when we praise. We need to  ensure that we know the purpose for praise and that we target it well.

“Well done on your test. All that preparation made a great difference. Bravo!”

In order to improve and to achieve, we need to feel reassured that our efforts are truly valued. We need reassurance. The more we target our praises, the closer the mark to giving the child an authentic acknowledgement, one which makes a real difference to the child!

“What a wonderful effort you made to clean the kitchen. All the items are away in their right spot. Thank you.”

By being specific, the child is aware that you are grateful for some particular task. It shows that you have clearly thought it through and that it has real value to you. By mentioning it clearly, it throws more evidence on the impression it has made on you.

By being authentic in your praise they understand that their achievement was sincerely based on your awareness of their deeds.

General praise such as “you're a good boy” has little value compared to “ what a good boy for opening the door as I have groceries in my hand.”

Improvement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds. Teachers are aware of this and in working with children they are extremely conscious to speak clearly and acknowledge their work as specifically as possible. 

In working with children myself, I observed that affirming with real definition, builds their sense of general self confidence.

“Thanks Mark for shutting the door quietly. It often jams.”

Here the child recognises that they supported your real concerns about the door! Incidental but effective affirmation. This sets the scene for a confident healthy discussion to follow. Reassurance builds on reassurance and success.

Keep in mind that through your example in praising and affirming well, the child is more inclined to model this in how they affirm others. It is all about giving the best example through our communication style.

mprovement is best understood and more likely to continue when the child clearly understands the value of their deeds.

Survival as a parent.

When you first have your newborn in your arms and the dependency is high, bonding seriously begins with the child. This bonding continues for many years and of course an important key to better parenting is to continue to build strong attachment to your child. What is also important to better parent your child is to ensure that you are a well balanced person. Sometimes with so much dependency with a child, it is easy to forget about honouring your own needs.

This is all about finding ways to rest and recover from the high demands of being a parent. The expectations on you are great and constant as a parent, especially as extra siblings appear on the scene. Giving yourself permission to escape the rigours of parenting for a short while, ensures that you come back refreshed and with a better perspective on your job as a parent. Just stepping out of the shoes of full time parenting can have such a positive impact on the whole family and especially yourself.

How you achieve this will vary from family to family. Some parents are fortunate to have extended family around. If this is your situation, I strongly recommend inviting them into your children's life. Time with grandparents, cousins, aunts etc is about providing a village for your children and takes some pressure from yourself as well as giving the child a broader world in which they can grow up. You do not need to be the sole person responsible for imparting values and life lessons on the child.

When I talk to parents who have had some personal time to themselves they will often give me the same response.

“I really missed my children but feel so refreshed.”

Keep in mind that by giving yourself some personal time you are giving the child a strong message about your own sense of self worth. The more the child sees the parent as an independent person with their own needs, the more they come to appreciate that you value yourself.

Having a break can be done in many and varied ways. It can be just having an hour to yourself when your young child is asleep. It could be a weekend away with your partner or friends. Some parents love going to the gym, jogging regularly,walking etc. Whatever relaxes and refreshes you, will reflect on how tolerant and capable you will be in managing parent matters.

Remember that you are progressively learning about parenting and the more you talk to others and step outside your all too familiar shoes, the broader you reflect on your role as parent. Parenting is much more difficult when you are not getting your own needs met such as stimulation, affirmation, affection, recognition etc. Our emotional stability is linked to maintaining a balanced life which can include our own personal time.

Talk to your child about how you enjoy relaxing and how it is important to you as this helps be a better parent. It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

Once the child internalises that you sometimes enjoy some time to yourself, they are challenged to work out how this impacts on them and so they develop different skills in coping. They come to realise that their parent is a happier parent when having some personal time. Perhaps they can get involved in determining how you relax. This will give them some feeling of ownership about fulfilling your needs.

Strong, happy attachment to our children comes from mature parenting where there is room in all the family for everyone's needs to be met.

It is certainly easier to meet your child's needs if you also look after your own needs.

Being still and really present to a child.

Remember the old saying, “children should be seen and not heard”. It should be more like “children should be seen and really heard in a deep and positive way.”

How hard is this to achieve when the family home is such a busy place with many competing interests across the week.

In my experience both in working as a Principal and as a Counsellor, really attending to a child when they have something important to talk about gives you optimum opportunity to really hear the problem and the child feels that they have been really heard.

I would often hear children say “my parents don't listen to me”. They are really saying that they do not have the real opportunity to be properly heard and that their feelings are given value and credibility.

Sometimes this can be done very simply and sometimes a family needs to coordinate a set time to have such engagements.

Being really present to the child involves giving all your time and attention to the child without distractions. It involves using warm, positive eye contact and listening without interrupting or showing body language that can be judgemental. It is about being calm, silent, steady and listening with an open heart.

By maintaining this state, the child feels that they have the space to keep talking and that it is a safe, respectful space, where they can say anything. After the child has said what they wanted to talk about you are in a privileged position to discuss what they had to say. This is without bias and without being too quick to judge.

This really deep form of listening opens up so many opportunities for the child. They feel so valued when the parents is truly present in conversations this way.

Doors close in conversation quickly when interruptions or changed body language occurs. As a parent, it is about finding that one on one time for your child. 

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions. Keep in mind that children gravitate around family members that calmly and respectfully listen. I believe this applies to all of us!

I often found that once a child has been really heard, they are more in tune with working out solutions.

The importance of quiet time.

How is your day at work? Is it always noisy and chaotic? Do you crave some personal space?

I imagine the answer is yes.

So too do our children need to balance their time with quiet downtime in the day. This can take many forms and will, of course, vary from family to family. It is all about finding time on your own.

Having your own mental space to chill out, and this may mean doing very little or simply absorbing yourself in a hobby. I am particularly impressed how some children can sit for hours putting together leggo sets. They are immersed in their own thinking and not interrupted by outside noise or demands around them.

Whilst television and computer can be seen as downtime, take care that this is not consumptive. However, it does act as a chill out time for children. The quiet time is all about being in your own personal space and being at peace with your own company. It is training the child to focus more inwardly and to enjoy their own company. It is about resting your thoughts which can be tiring if you find demand high from everyone around.

The trick here is to balance quiet time with other aspects of their life which is very interactive with family, school and friends.

It was quite common that in my office, children who had overwhelming moments in the yard or in the classroom would simply sit and draw, play with play dough, sand trays etc. This quiet time with no discussion or distraction enabled them to return to the noisy, busy space of interacting with others, where expectations and demands were placed on them.

The mental space acts as a recharge button. After all, engaging with people for some children is hard work. 

Children need quiet time just as much as adults do

Giving your child tools to defend themselves.

It is hard work sticking up for yourself as a little one on the yard or just simply feeling empowered when other children act inappropriately towards you. The following is about teaching your child, or a child in your care some simple “I” statements that give them a sense of control and that do not lead to unnecessary conflict.

Sit with your child and talk about the feelings they have often when things go wrong. They will come up with feelings like angry, upset, unhappy, frightened.

Simple words will help when your child is feeling feeling unsettled in any situation.

Then teach them how to use those words when feeling unsettled in any situation.  For example:

• "I am unhappy when you hit me."
• "I am angry when you take my book."
• "I am frightened when you shout at me."

You are teaching them to use the “I” followed by the feeling they have and the act that upsets them.

Practice this at home in any situation that may occur between siblings. When you see your child upset, discuss how to express it with an “I” statement. Firstly, find out what negative emotions they are experiencing.

By teaching them to express their feelings about someone else's behaviour you are giving them tools to manage their problems. This is a very healthy way for them to express their frustrations and it gives them more ownership of their unsettling emotions.

Of course, practice is necessary but once a child sees the value and feels successful, they will begin to automatically use this technique.

What makes an effective parent

Parenting well can be a tricky game. We all want the best in our parenting and yet we recognise that we are human and sometimes factors come into play that limit our capabilities to be what we recognise as the best parent.

The good news is that if handled well it is not that complicated.

The first and foremost factor in effective parenting is to be authentic with your child. This means being honest and realistic as to who you are and what you can capably achieve. They actually work this out at an early age themselves!

For example, you cannot attend a parent meeting because of work. “I am disappointed that I will miss that appointment. I will follow up with the teacher to see what I missed.”

Being authentic tells the child that what they see and hear from you is what they get.

Also, maintain a warm and affectionate relationship with your child. This means that listening well and not getting too judgemental when you hear about incidences that can be unsettling.

By listening well, you are showing sensitivity and respect for the needs and feelings of your child. This will mean that the child will engage with you more openly in the future.

Be a negotiator. When a child talks about issues they want addressing discuss options openly. Some may not be acceptable to you but somewhere through discussion, a way forward can be found.  “I am not feeling happy about you coming home that late. I can pick you up at ….... and in this way, you still get to see your friend”

Sometimes, confronting negative behaviour is necessary. Talk about it through an “ I” statement.  “I am disappointed that you.......”  “Let's discuss how we will now deal with the issue”

When dealing with the consequences try and engage the child in finding a way forward. “Do you have any suggestions regarding this matter in this incident?”

Remember it's all about restoring relationships when dealing with negative behaviour. It is about both parent and child understanding the behaviour and agreeing to an appropriate way forward.

Set boundaries for the child that are manageable for all the family. Discuss with the child the agreed boundaries and as time goes, discuss how they are working out as a family. Children need boundaries but will understand them better if they are given reasons for the boundaries.

“I need you home after school by 4:00 p.m as I believe that this is a reasonable and safe time to be home.”  or, “We cannot have any toys in the living room as people will trip and hurt themselves.” 

Finally, the child loves you unconditionally. For them to embrace you in your work as a parent, be natural, let then see how you are genuine. Make mistakes, acknowledge when you are wrong but above all let them see how you value a strong relationship with them.

I invite you as a parent to reflect on who you gravitated around as a child in your family.  I feel certain that it was the parent who listened unconditionally.

What makes an effective parent?

Technology, a challenge in family life.

As a school Principal and working with children through counselling over many years, I have seen how the growing passion for technology has skyrocketed with our young ones. Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents. They soon discover that it opens up a whole new world of connection with friends and the outside influences of the bigger world. This can occur as early as seven or eight years of age or even earlier!

At a primary age, they are definitely keen to network and feel valued in talking to friends through many of the social media tools that they can access.

It can't be stopped, but as parents, it is an area that does need monitoring.

Here are some practical suggestions to help the child through the minefield of managing technology as a young, vulnerable person. I liken it to a child driving a powerful truck. They understand how to drive the truck but do not have the skills to manage it.

• Discuss with your child where the computer should be situated in the house. The younger the child, the more visible should be the child using technology.
• Ensure that child safety blocking is placed on any computer, Ipads, phones etc. in the house.
• Attend a cyberbullying information session to learn about the legal age for children using certain social media. Often schools will facilitate such evenings, local community centres etc. It is best to attend one just as a parent as often information is given which can be quite daunting regarding the damage done to children through the inappropriate use of technology.
• Attend a session on cyberbullying with your child. This invites sound conversation together.
• Talk to your child about the use of chat media such as facebook, etc. Explain how everything written is kept in the Cloud and does not go away!

I have seen some parents draw up a contract with children on how technology will be used in the house. This is done at school with all students.

Keep the balance with family life. Active children engaged in sport etc. will be drawn to alternative ways to socialise and be active. This puts balance into their life and reduces concentrated hours in engaging with social media. Their social engagement is on the sports fields, stages, art classes etc.

Check the time children are using their computer and agree that there is a turn on and turn off time in the house. Of course, we need to give this example as a parent ourselves. Our modelling in using technology and teaching life balance is a critical factor in demonstrating to the child that technology is but one aspect of life.

As a family discuss technology and how it has influenced major changes in the world. Also, engage in conversations about its limitations.

Keep technology as visible as possible in the house and limit a child's time on their own using technology in the isolation of their bedroom. Remember the house is still seen as a technology friendly home.

Some parents have reconstructed their family living areas to make access and communal awareness of the use of technology.

Learn about how your child's school handles technology. Reading their technology policies gives you a strong indication of how good habits in technology are taught and managed.

Some final thoughts.

• Ensure the child knows that you value technology. Talk about it as a positive tool that has made such a difference to the world. However, as a tool, it can be used inappropriately and must be managed well.
• In the family, managing technology is an important rule which we talk about frequently, just as we discuss homework patterns etc.
• As a family, technology is just one part of our life as demonstrated by all the various activities we do as a family.
• Talk openly to your child about how you use technology in your life.
• Keep well informed on current information regarding the latest social media tools that are influencing children.
• Sometimes children will access inappropriate social media through visiting other homes. Discuss with these families your thoughts on this matter.
• Whilst you cannot control how other families use technology you can educate your child on its best use and invite them to feel comfortable in talking to you about how other homes operate with technology.
• Visit your child's classroom when they are using technology. This gives you a sound understanding of how technology is used in the classroom and an opportunity to chat at home about its use.
• Remember your home should develop a family communication style that enables a child to talk about technology comfortably.                        

Children develop skills from an early age that baffle parents.

How do we build resilience in our children?

A big question that many parents ask themselves is how do we make our children more resilient? Whilst there are many support programs at school and strategies we can use to help our children, what is well regarded as a powerful strategy is to let the child see how resilient we are as parents in our own life.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations. The positive language we use in simply discussing a problem gives the child the awareness that you are calmly reflecting and can approach a situation from many angles. It is about a “no blame” outlook.

For example when faced with some crisis try using words like:

• “I have a problem and I need time to think it through.”
• “I need to look at many ways to sort this out.”
• “At the moment I am working through some troubling issues.”

This is about giving the child the message that:

1.           there can be many ways to solve a problem.
2.           having a problem is normal.

Staying calm during that time and looking at many angles of the situation is the best way forward.

When I have dealt with children in areas around resilience, it is not uncommon to hear them talk about how their parents would handle the situation. If they have parents who look at quick solutions and blame, it is harder for the child to take personal ownership of their situation themselves. When they recognise that the parents will look at how to resolve a situation through reflection and negotiation, the child is more receptive to owning and dealing with the problem themselves.

Some final thoughts:

• Stay calm when unsettling issues arise.
• Develop strong listening skills so that questioning is clear.
• Where possible, look for how a positive outcome can be reached even though there is some damage.         
• Keep your body language calm, steady and consistent.

Above all let your child see that staying calm and open-minded will get a better resolution.

There are many excellent problem-solving games in educational stores that teach the family how to approach a problem.

When a problem is resolved talk about how you used different strategies to understand and solve the problem.

How we influence our children is best done by modelling our own strength in coping with difficult situations.

Routine leads to developing life habits.

Some people just love routine. Others struggle with keeping up the pace of routine. We are all different in managing our lifestyles. Whatever the style you have adopted, consider the fact that you are the modelling patterns for your child. I am referring now to regular attendance at school.

This is a pattern worth developing. The more a child values being in school each day, the better balance they have an understanding of routine. As a  Principal, it was not uncommon to see children unsettled returning into a  classroom later in the day or after several days absence. Of course illness etc. can interfere in regular attendance but attending school on time, each day provides stability and predictability for a child. They love routine and feel secure in knowing how their day will start. They are conscious of their relationships with their peers and understand how they destabilise when not regularly present at school.

All families are busy and have different and varied ways of operating. The size of the family, working parents, sick children etc. impact on how a family starts the day.

Attempting to make a good start each day demonstrates to the child that it has priority in family life and is valued.

Perhaps discussing as a family how this can best work and agreeing to morning routines may help.

Some parents set up a weekly chart and each day tick off their good habits in following morning routines. They even celebrate at the end of the week when it all went to routine. Whatever the method, the message to the child is that regular and punctual school attendance is strongly valued in their family.

Keep up the conversation at home about how morning routines are working. Of course, it will break down from time to time but it is all about imprinting in the child, the family value that consistent attendance at school is an important family value.    

Routine is important for a child, particularly school.

Every day is different even for children.

What's in a  bad day? Every child deserves a bad day. This, of course, means that there will be some days where a child just simply isn't as happy or as active or interested as normal. There is a tendency to think that having a bad day is a privilege of adults. Not So!

Sometimes children are just not feeling at their best. This can be for a range of reasons, not dissimilar from an adult. Sometimes tiredness, emotional upset, disappointments etc. can reduce happiness levels temporarily. We often are not fully aware of these feelings but we know that we are not operating at our best.

What to do? Just accept that a child has the right to a bad day and lower expectations and questions. Probing a child as to why they are feeling down can only cause confusion in a child who feels that to make a parent happy they must be always operating the same way.

Remember a child is keen to have themselves valued by their parents and so they try very hard not to disappoint.

Some positive talk when a child has a bad day could include:

• “I sometimes feel down and need time to pick myself up.”
• “Having a low day can give us time to look forward to a better day.”
• “Low days are preparing for the better days”
• “When I have a low day, I like to.....have a bath, go for a  walk etc...

The key message here is that having a bad day occasionally is normal. You understand as a parent that they need some space.

We all have bad days now and again.

Being an effective listener and demonstrating justice in the eyes of your children

Many children have an over developed sense of justice when they are young. They simply cannot see how others get away with not following the rules! They can get quite upset and feel that they do the right thing and others do not. Often they have not yet developed strong social literacies and incitefulness. Also they may simply have a strong sense of justice and focus on what is right and wrong.

An excellent way to help them is to resolve matters using a process called restorative practice. This is commonly used in schools.

It can be done simply and it shows your children that you are listening to their concerns. Bring your siblings together and hear the concerns from each child. Then acknowledge that you understand that they have differences. Invite them to articulate what their needs are in this situation. Then invite them to agree on negotiating. This means that they both cannot get what they want but they can compromise on the matter at hand.

If this is an ongoing method used in families, the children soon begin to realise that this is how it works in your home. The children will begin to learn that deep listening and negotiation makes it a win/win for everyone. If they come to understand that this is the process used at home to solve issues they will want to use it so that they have been really heard.

When this method is used often to resolve conflict, the children learn to use the process themselves.

How can anyone argue with someone who listens and is prepared to negotiate. For a child who is heavily into justice, this is the best way forward.

Confronting poor behaviour can be daunting

This is something that parents face regularly. One of the questions parents ask is how do they deal with this issue and at the same time do not damage their relationship with their child? Firstly, let me assure you that your child innately knows that you love them unconditionally. Sometimes how we act can confuse them, but they do believe in your absolute love for them.

Even if you lose your temper and react too much, the child still recognises that you love them. Having said that, less damage is caused by setting up a situation where you let the child know how disappointed you are in the behaviour, as it has impacted on some aspect of your family life etc.

Consider the following tips to help deal with confrontation and still keep the relationship between you and the child, a happy one.

• Choose a calm time to talk about the incident that is upsetting you. Reacting straight away can cause you to over react and anger interferes with rational conversation. If the matter is right in front of you say.  " I'm upset, we will talk about this a little later." 

This gives you time to be more rational when talking to your child. It also allows time to calm down and perhaps see the situation with less hostility. Sometimes, you have time to gather more understandings around the situation reducing the problem and your anger. Be consistent and still follow through with a conversation. Have the discussion with your child with no one else around, in a quiet space and where the child is more inclined to listen. This is all about setting the best scene to get the best results from the conversation.

• Choose a morning time to talk about the matter if possible, as a child's attention span and calmness is at its peak. Otherwise try at night when putting the child to bed. This is often a personal one on one time which the child enjoys. "I would like to talk to you about something that happened today that has upset me."

Once the issue is understood and resolved in some way, it is most important to acknowledge the process that you just went through and affirm the child for being part of it.  "Thanks for working through the problem that was upsetting me. Together we were able to sort it all out".

Keep in mind that once the resolution is made in solving the problem it is important to move on, affirm the child when it doesn't happen again and give the child the benefit of the doubt that they can solve problems well.

When working with children over issues, I found it most important that the child knew the issue was now behind us and our relationship was back to normal. This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

This is all about the child feeling valued even though mistakes happen all around us from day to day.

How to get the best out of activities with your child.

Choosing the right time of day makes all the difference in the world to planned activities with your child.

As a counsellor, I would choose to work with children in a morning session as opposed to the afternoon as children are more retentive and certainly more receptive to what you have to say. Their listening skills are much more responsive. They are less reactive to issues and can process at a calmer level.

In a classroom setting, teachers are very aware that the more serious learning will be happening in the morning block and not the afternoon after children have eaten, played etc.  A lot of emotion comes into the afternoon, especially if play, did not provide a successful outcome. Often activities provided in the afternoon in a classroom are shorter, require less focus and teachers set less expectation for their students.

If you are planning a special time with your child, such as a visit to the zoo, museum, special visit to a friend etc. I recommend planning for the morning block. In this way, the child will be more attentive and their listening skills much higher. It sounds simple but if you want a quality experience from the activity or simply want a better response from your child, try morning blocks where possible.

When is a great time for play?

What do we do when we don't like the behaviour?

Have you ever felt negatively about your child? Some parents tell me that they often feel guilty as they have negative feelings about their child. This is quite natural. What you are feeling is just a dislike for their behaviour which can be unsettling, embarrassing, tiring etc. What we need to remember is that it is just the behaviour and not the child that unsettles us.

When working with children, I often notice that the expression a child has on their face can influence whether people believe the child or doubt them. Sometimes these expressions can be misleading as they represent feeling insecure and uncertain. They do not often reflect that the child does not care about the behaviour. So I recommend not judging a child's expression as often it just reflects an inability to deal with the situation.

As a parent, think about the following when feeling unsettled about the behaviour;

1. I love my child but I don't like the behaviour, therefore, we talk just about the behaviour.  "I really don't like what just happened. We need to understand what really happened so that we can move on.”
2. Always reaffirm the child after working through the behaviour matter. This reassures them that everything is back to normal.
3. Sometimes writing notes of reassurance gives the child a feeling that you have moved on. The note could say,” thanks for solving that problem that was on my mind. Now we can look forward to..........."

It is all about separating the behaviour from the child, reassuring the child that we move on from mistakes and grow through the process, maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship.

Don't like the behaviour? Remember, it's the behaviour, not child.

Do you have a fixed or a growth mindset when it comes to your child?

Have you ever noticed that you sound like your parents when talking to your child? Or perhaps you work hard to parent very differently from your parents? Whatever your style, consider developing a growth mindset in engaging with your child.

This is about being open to ideas that your child might suggest that are not consistent with how you normally operate. It can be trying new things that are different or just experimental moments as a family.

It's about accepting that mistakes occur and that it takes time effort and some risks to move forward.

A fixed mindset is about being reserved and not keen to take risks of any kind. Taking the predictable and certain route forward. It is about being safe and certain with regard to the outcomes. Your child will keep providing challenges for you and it is worth reflecting on what kind of a mindset you give to their suggestions.

When working with children who were keen to explore different ways of being, it was not uncommon to hear them say
“It won't work in my home” or “it's not worth taking that idea to mum.”

This suggests that they understand the fixed mindset of their parents and as such ideas and suggestions are not brought forward at home.

I suggest keeping an open model at home that encourages varied conversations and applauds new ideas and initiatives that may be worth exploring or at least discussing.

I suggest inviting your child to come up with suggestions for working through family matters.

"I really love new ideas.”

"Sometimes it's great doing things differently”

"Have you got some other ideas that might help?”

I know of one family who awards the child that has the most creative idea for the week.

Our children are growing up in a world where developing a growth mindset will give them the confidence to experiment, try new initiatives and fit into a very flexible world. Predictability may not be the order of the day.

By being open to including your child in family discussions and brainstorming, you are being consistent with how children learn at school. This method is called the Inquiry approach and children are encouraged to ask questions, try out ideas and explore options. This is how best they learn.

So consider the following:

• Be open to their suggestions.
• Keep an open mind on what they have to say.
• Encourage creativity.
• Applaud the effort not so much the result, and,
• Reward the interest in independent learning and thinking.

How's your mindset?

Getting away from the maddening crowds.

Busy families make for busy and noisy times. It is sometimes hard to find that special one on one time with children.

A family operates as a whole unit and how they talk to each other is often done in the group and not one on one. Too may interferences and interactions make it difficult to hear the individual cry of the child. If you are a second or a third child you were born into a noisy family. Sometimes the simple design of the home can make for less chances to talk individually to children.

When I chat to parents who are struggling to identify with some unacceptable behaviour, I make a very simple recommendation. Surprise them! Take them out of school for the afternoon and just spend one on one time with them. Give them this unusual treat and it is quite surprising how they respond. You will be giving them some quality time together that is just special for the two of you.

This approach I recommend often surprises parents, given my role as a Principal. I suspect that the child you will be taking out will not be the first child. Often it is the second or third. Their special time gives them a sense of being heard. Invite them to suggest another way to find some special time together when it is needed.

What's to lose in one afternoon away from school?

One on one can encourage better communication between you and your child.