Keeping you the parent well and healthy makes for a happier child

Most important! Your health as a parent under all the stress that is current is an important factor in keeping the home fires burning well. The old saying, “if mamma ain’t right, the whole family ain’t right” has some truth in it.

Walking through depleted shops, listening to the current news is enough to fester feelings of being very sad and in some cases sets off depression.

Rising above this and maintaining all that you do in the life of the family is a big ask for anyone.

Of course, here we are advising you how to look after your family during such a crisis and forgetting to mention that your mental and physical health takes a high priority. The question you ask is how can I maintain my own sanity and feel capable in managing the family during these demanding times?

The answer is not simple but it does draw on your own ability to be a little selfish and put yourself first.

Can you do any of the following?

A healthier and happier parent makes for a happier child.

• Take an occasional walk. Some people just use a shopping centre as a place to leisurely walk. Walking can be so invigorating. Of course, the greener the environment, the more uplifting is the spirit.

• Can you listen to music while working?

• Do you have an activity that you really love and feel better after completing? Is it possible to find space for this in your busy life?

• Can you read at night? Is this a relaxing time for you?

• How about a treat? Some mums just love a facial, bath, spa etc something which soothes the soul.

• How about stopping and having coffee and cake just on your own.

• Do you enjoy reading the newspaper, magazines etc?

• Exercising at home to video clips, music etc. gives you the exercise and the mental space. This is also great fun to do with your child.

• How about being in regular contact with special friends and assuring regular communication to feel good and have a laugh.

Focus on the positive in your life and keep those happy feelings alive in you.

The trick here is to set aside time for yourself. It does not have to be a lot of time. In fact, intermittent breaks are very relaxing and rewarding. It just needs to be built into your weekly routines. You need to recognise its value and appreciate that if you are more self-aware and mentally rested, you project a much calmer and reassuring image in the family. Also, you are much happier in yourself.

There is no one way of being and feeling relaxed. Valuing yourself enough to recreate in some way is the key. It is about recognising that your well being influences your children and those around you.

However, in saying that, I stress that your motivation in seeking a space should be more about nurturing yourself. If you come from that awareness you are more inclined to honour it. Also, your child grows to understand that nurturing yourself, the parent is a healthy way to live.

There is the requirement here of some self-discipline. In your busy world, discipline yourself to focus on you for a short time.

Remember, “if mamma is right the whole family is right!”

“Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree. ”

— Martin Luther

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

I have been giving this some thought and I want to tell you a story that may trigger some ideas. Many years ago, when I was a young teacher and very interested in developing the creative side to my class, my students and I all decided to turn the classroom into a pirate ship. We had been reading an adventure book on pirates which captured the children’s imagination. This was an extraordinary adventure. We took at least one week to build the ship and surrounds. We researched what an old ship would look like and found all sorts of pieces with which to put it together. Desks were removed from the classroom. The whole room was the ship. Much to the displeasure of the Principal, we were determined to keep this room alive and for the next few weeks we learnt all about the ship, how winds moved and influenced sailing. We learnt about tides, wrote poetry etc. It was an incredible adventure and a joy in all of us building a slow steady piece of art from which we had so much enjoyment and learning. Years later, I met up with students who still remembered the experience. This became a powerful learning tool.

Need some creative ideas during self isolation?

What I am saying here is, consider doing something quite innovative at home. Given the length of time you may be housebound, let your house become the creative space. How about setting up a room which can be converted into something creative where the children can experience play and learning?

Perhaps a game room?

Invite the children into brainstorming what that room could look like and using all sorts of scraps etc. Be generous enough to let them experiment.

Also consider painting a room. Under instruction, a child can assist.

The garden is an extraordinarily creative space. How about the children making an art piece for the garden? This could take some time, perhaps several days. The joy is in the process. How about painting the rocks, setting up a chicken coup etc?

Of course, cooking especially baking is a wonderful creative exercise for children. Consider it hospitality 101 at home.

Are there arts and crafts you can teach your child such as knitting, sewing? I hear macramé is back in fashion. Check out places like art and craft shops, junk yards, op shops, etc. that can offer cheap supplies for art and craft activities.

I have recently heard of a dad building a bike with his children using old parts.

Do you have old bikes, toys etc. that could be used for the creation of an art piece? Children love pulling apart old equipment.

If your home will be your total sanctuary for several weeks, set it up to accommodate movement and space for the children. Remove objects that will create stress when damaged. This is important for your sanity. Accept that for a few weeks the home will be a different space in which to live. It will be a space for active living.

Can you build a cubby house with your children, a go-carts etc? It is all about doing activities that require a focus, time and patience.

How about technology. Look online for some short courses that are enjoyable and have a learning aspect to them. Of course, minimise screen time.

How about making home videos, writing songs etc.

Children thrive on being creative and if you create a home environment that enables them to express themselves, they can entertain themselves in unique and intuitive ways over longer sustained periods.

“Creativity is contagious. Pass it on.”

— Albert Einstein

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Teaching children about themselves.

Growing up can be a difficult business for all of us. It is also about finding out who you are and where you have come from on so many levels.

Children begin their development of self-awareness from birth and in little ways they begin to slowly develop a sense of themselves through their interactions and relationships with family and other significant people in their life.

Most definitely school is a time for testing themselves against others and for building a sense of who they are in the eyes of others. Most important is their development of liking themselves and clearly identifying with their specific world.

Parents are critical in helping a child understand themselves. As a  parent, it is important to ensure that your child knows that you love them. Also giving them clear understandings of where they come from and their family story is critical, as they develop a secure place in their mind of who they are and where they fit into family and society.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop a sense of themselves in the world. Such personal development is ongoing and with increased emotional maturity, a child begins to understand themselves more deeply. What is most important is that they grow to like themselves.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop self awareness.

• Always be truthful about the past. Sometimes it can be hard to hear but a child has a right to understand from where they came and who were instrumental people in their life.

• Tell stories about the family. Perhaps there are funny situations that occurred when you were a child. Children love to store these stories in their memory and overtime they become special family memories.

• Talking about how you grew up and the differences in today’s world is also helpful.  Here you discuss the differences on a generational basis. It helps the child put themselves in a context.

• When subjects come up such as Anzac Day, do you have family stories to tell? Cultural traditions are important to talk about in families.

• When giving your child an affirming message, ensure that you talk more about the quality observed in your child.

“I was so impressed when you helped your brother cross the street. You have a generous streak in you”.

Here you are reminding them of their generosity which highlights a quality of the child.

You are also building up images of what you see in the child. This helps them develop an image of themselves. This is all about building up their identity.

• Write little notes to them from time to time highlighting noticeable qualities that you have observed.

• If you have precious family heirlooms use these objects as a chance to talk about family history. Old family photos are a great resource here.

As a parent, you have a privileged role in guiding your child into self awareness. There will come a time when the child takes ownership of who they are, but until then, be the gentle hand leading your child into a world where they feel valued, loved and confident. So much of this comes from your mature reassurance.

Teaching about cooperation

Some of us are better and more natural at this and others need to be taught. It is best to realise that teaching your child about cooperation is a safe way to ensure that they value it.

As children grow, they pass through various stages and of course self-centredness is one of them as a young child. It is not always natural that cooperation will automatically follow.

To teach about cooperation, we need to demonstrate in our own lives that we are cooperative people. In a family setting, there are many occasions when cooperating is required. The trick here is to ensure that your child recognises cooperation as an important tool for use in their life.

Schools work diligently to ensure that children see cooperation as a critical part of their daily work. Teachers will often place children in groups and expect that through cooperation and teamwork, the children will come to the best outcome. Whilst this is a skill expected and demanded of children at school, it sometimes needs plenty of reinforcement in the home. This can be the case when siblings are struggling to share, or if the eldest child takes control and demands their way.

Parents should use domestic occasions to ensure that cooperation is part of family life. This can be done through negotiation, or when families are doing activities together and discussion is had about how better they could work as a team. Playing formal games together is an excellent way to teach cooperation. I would use the word “cooperation” often in conversation. By your child negotiating with you point out that they are showing cooperation for a better collective outcome.

 “Well done! You both cooperated in that game and so through your combined efforts you won!”  

If you are watching a program together, where there is clear evidence that cooperation made a difference, talk about it.

Obvious areas where cooperation boldly stands out as a useful tool is sport. Without cooperation in teamwork, sport is not possible. Talk to your children about very skilled teams in netball and basketball that succeed due to their highly efficient teamwork and cooperative style.

Acknowledging a child when they demonstrate cooperation is also important. It is another time when the child recognises that there is value in cooperating.

Here are a few thoughts on focussing on cooperation in the family context.

• Let your child see that you use cooperation in your life as a means to be successful. Perhaps you are in a work situation where cooperation is used regularly.

• Read books with the child around cooperation and team work.

• When supporting the child in school-based activities, sports days etc, talk about how the child used cooperation to be successful. Often open days show you project work that the child has worked on in a group. These are great pieces for discussion with parents.

• In the car while driving, you can see how cooperation is all around. Talk about the crossing lady and how people cross the road using cooperation as a key to be safe and efficient.

• At the end of a school day it is worth just asking,

“Did you use cooperation today to make it a successful day?”

This article is about teaching cooperation to your child. You are raising their awareness that cooperation is part of their world and by using it, you become better rounded in your growth. The more you rely on it, the less self-centred you become and the more you realise that decision making and balanced intellectual growth comes from collective thinking and working together. It becomes a spontaneous way of life.

“Alone we are smart.
Together we are brilliant.”

— Steven Anderson.

Letting the village teach your child

Have we ever thought about from where our children actually do their learning? An interesting thought as we immediately consider the formal learning that schools provide for their students. It has often been said that parents are the first educators of the child and this makes sense when you consider the tight bond and relationship that starts up after birth.

What is sometimes understated is the amazing influence that the community and extended family have in teaching the child. We cannot calculate how this works, nor are we certain as to how much knowledge the child will gain from connecting to the wider village.

Children need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

However, external sources play an important role in educating our children. Call it education on the run. A child listens and learns in various ways. Some people may impress them more than others and some people are just interesting to be around. Occasional words about sport, historical events, local issues etc., are all part of the snippets of information a child acquires in life. Also consider that they can learn socially and emotionally from observing how adults interact, what they say to each other and how they operate in public. Children will store such information and interpret it in their own way, when they experiment in dealing with other people. For example, how does your family interact with the elderly? If the child is fortunate to have extended family then they learn many valuable lessons from the wise, older groups.

However, the village concept has broken down in modern society and children cannot roam around idly picking up information. With this in mind, many of our children’s contacts are contrived and the child has less spontaneous opportunities to learn from different groups of people.

Teachers, in planning their curriculum, are always looking for opportunities to go out of the school on excursions, so that children can engage with the real world and learn new ways of being and doing. Parents alone cannot provide the rich breadth of learning that comes from broader society. Also, there are some social anxieties about letting other people into the life of the child. I am not even sure what they are actually fearful of? Are we fearful of others who come from different circles in life, or who present a different set of opinions? I aware that safety issues do carry a major concern in today’s world and this has caused some anxiety with parents.

However, extreme control denies the child their right to learn about difference and interpret for themselves how the world spins. They also need to understand the collaborative nature of their learning and not just look to you, the parent, the keeper of all knowledge.

Here are some practical suggestions to encourage the presence of the village in the life of the child.

• When you go shopping invite your child to negotiate with the shopkeeper and discuss products, value for money etc. Such dialogue is inviting your child to see how different aspects of commerce works.

• Take your child on excursions where they actually engage with people displaying real skills. A trip to the market is a good start.

• Visiting elderly is important. If not in your own family circle but through other agencies etc. A child learns so much from the aged.

• A child can learn so much about cultures if they are exposed to people from different backgrounds. Check out various cultural festivals and take your child to enjoy the food, music and people at these festivals.  Take your child to culturally specific shopping centres to smell and taste different foods, hear unfamiliar languages being spoken.

• Think about you neighbours. Are they young or old? Do they have interesting lives to talk to your children? I often think of some old couples from Italy who generously bake extra pastries etc. to give to the families in the street. These children have learnt a lot about old traditions and cultural variations by simply having local people around them that come from a different set of experiences.

• Encourage your children to engage with all variance of children in their class. Teach them that being exclusive in friendships is not as adventurous as meeting and learning about other children from different experiences. A school environment is an excellent set up to learn about the broad nature of the village.

• When your child has a play date at another family home, they are exposed to different family structures, behaviours, etc. This is another way of learning about how families work.

• Caution and responsible checking by parents is necessary, but it should not be so constrictive that a child is only exposed to things that are familiar. Difference is what makes the world so interesting.

• Show your children how you welcome into your life people and experiences that take you out of your comfort zones. Demonstrate how you learn surprisingly different experiences by being inclusive not exclusive.

• Draw to your child’s attention all the differences with their teachers as they all come from various aspects of life and demonstrate different styles of teaching.

• If you move house there is a whole new learning about the environment in which you now live. Explore it with your child.

• Are there interesting family members who have wonderful family stories of the past. Children need to learn lessons from the past to understand their present time.

The African proverb, “it takes a village to raise a child” is so needed in our modern society where self-sufficiency and independence are sought. Sadly, there are many examples of isolation and loneliness in our society built around striving for personal dreams. Perhaps we need to start thinking about collective dreams, collaborating with others and recognising that we grow and learn through cooperation and teamship. This recipe of respecting and valuing others’ opinions, enjoying the difference and constantly looking for and checking into the village in our life, becomes so nourishing for the soul.

It’s all about the spirit of Christmas and that is where we find our Santa.

 Who doesn’t love the excitement that mounts as Christmas approaches?  If you know someone who doesn’t then just say “baa humbug” to them! Our children bring us into the fever pitch building to the big day. All children young and old love to believe in Santa and I say why not?

I think Santa is for everyone and could be in anyone, if they enlighten the family, the giving nature of Christmas and the message of love and connection.

The image of Santa, the smiling man with a white beard and a red oversized suit, the giver of gifts, the jolly warm souled person who can only imagine making people, especially children happy, is, after all, a powerful image of pure joy. He makes us feel happy and brings us closer to connecting with others. So, if we cannot believe in the real image of Santa, create in your own mind, the spirit of Santa who brings us all together to simply create a feeling of happiness.

We all need a little Santa in our life and Christmas can be that time when we all come together, exchange gifts to acknowledge our love for our children and each other and reflect more deeply on the gift of family and friends. This may of course, also highlight aspects of family that are not intact and sadness can be close to the surface. Absence and loss can be very real at this emotional time. However, maybe these unsettling thoughts can enrich us by concentrating and enjoying in what we do actually have in our life.

The concept of jolly Santa, the universal lover of people and goodness is also about raising awareness of giving to those who are less advantaged. Ideas such as discrimination, prejudice, isolation. competition should be far from our minds and action at this time of year. They should fade away, as we focus on all that is good and wholesome in our life.

This is a wonderful time as a parent to raise your child’s awareness of giving to others. Perhaps take them to a communal giving tree to offer a gift to another child less likely to receive a gift. There are plenty of charities very active at this time of year where families can tap into supporting them. Also, teach your child about their mission and direction to support others less blessed in life.

By bringing your child into a deeper awareness of the message of Christmas, you are teaching them about sharing, social justice matters at your local level and above all, teaching them that by giving you actually receive so much more. You then morph into the spirit of Santa where you recognise that by giving, sharing and celebrating each other, the world is a better, happier place.

Christmas is a highlighted time to draw attention to supporting and loving each other a little more. So let’s Santarise ourselves a little as we get closer to the big day. It can’t hurt to be more optimistic, more engaging with your children and happier.

I think Santa is for everyone and could be in anyone, if they enlighten the family, the giving nature of Christmas and the message of love and connection. 

“Santa Claus is anyone who loves another and seeks to make them happy.”

— EDWIN OSGOOD GROVER

Child care verses home care before school commences for the child

How many parents worry themselves considerably about this matter when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers. On many occasions, I was asked by young parents if putting your child in a childcare before they go to school disadvantages them. Parents worry about whether staying home with your child before school gives them more nurture and sets them up to cope better with school. And so, the question is posed in different ways and parents question their decisions in their child’s early years.

How many parents worry themselves considerably about the matter of childcare when they are dealing with their pre-schoolers?

What I can tell you from my experience is that whatever mix the preschool child has, is more about providing them with balance and quality of care, be it home or childcare. There are clearly more opportunities with language and social development in a child care and kindergarten run well. Given that they are exposed to various families and hearing and using language all the time, a child will quickly adapt and use language with ease. Therefore, I can say that you can notice how children who have been to kindergarten and childcare centres have more social and language experiences.

However, those children who attend kindergartens and remain at home with a parent also appear calm and steady and have learnt a great deal from simply being with their most important model, the parent. Kindergarten gives the child many social experiences and they also learn how to engage with a variety of people.

After a few months settling into school both children who have had more time at home and those who have spent more early years at child care appear to show very little difference in their response to school.

We sometimes underestimate how adaptable our young children can be when given challenges. Teachers in the first few months in the first year of school, work on setting up routines and patterns in the classroom which the children are keen to follow. They are busy, full days and the differences between children’s preschool experiences fade as the months continue. Also, the first year of school is a time for children to find themselves socially and begin their focussed intellectual journey with formal reading, writing etc.

Of course, helping your child before starting school with reading stories, counting etc., is also supported at early childcare centres and Kindergartens. All early learning is gratefully appreciated and valued by the school.  A child’s formal learning which begins at school, puts them under a different pressure and whether your child has had more years at home doesn’t make a great deal of difference, once the child is settled at school. It may of course mean a great deal to you in being the supportive parent. That is a different matter.

This article is born out of my own observations and experience of many years observing children as they start school. What is important is that pre-schoolers have a balanced life with stimulus coming from parent input and other influences such as extended family, kindergartens, childcare etc. They need plenty of rest, tempered with challenges that engage them in a variety of ways. They need an environment where they can question, feel safe and challenge themselves. A combination of many experiences is the key to setting up your child for a successful start to school.

“A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.”

— Chinese Proverb

What’s wrong with a little downtime in our life?

Are we fearful of hearing the words, “I’m bored”?

As parents, we work harder to provide plenty of busy activities for our children, especially after school and much of this is often sports. What we need to consider is building in downtime. Call it what you like, but giving the child idle time to simply be and to find their own way, without direction, is important for their emotional development.

If they choose to use it in a constructive way, parents always feel better. However, sometimes it is valuable for a child to simply be and to just enjoy some idol space. We all need to create balance in our life. Finding balance will only come when a child learns to understand that less focussed times are equally important.

Teachers when planning their agenda for the day often include free time. This is where no demands are placed on the child and they are free to do what suits them. There is no judgement made on how they use their time at all. This free time creates healthy mental spaces between busy learning activities. It gives the child a chance to immerse themselves in their own thoughts and direct their own actions. Children love these times in the classroom.

In working with children who seemed quite stressed, it was common to invite them into my office and just let them be with whatever toys or activities were present. Sometimes they would just sit and enjoy the space of being in the office while I continued typing etc. It was just about creating a peaceful non threatened moment where they focussed on their thoughts.

Many of the self-disciplines such as yoga, mindfulness, meditation etc. focus on finding yourself in your own headspace. As parents, we tend to think that we need to fill those spaces with busy activities or at least advise our children as to how they could employ their spare time.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

Here are some suggestions to help set the scene at home for some downtime.

• Let your child know that you enjoy downtime in your life and discuss how you find that time.

• Look at the set up at home. Are there quiet spaces that the child can find to be on their own. Consider the surrounding noises.

• Let the child situate their toys, Lego etc in a comfortable accessible space. This demonstrates that you are happy for them to engage with these spontaneously as they are quite visible. Try not to lock them up all in the child’s bedroom. Finding downtime can be in different parts of the house.

• I appreciate that television can be seen as downtime but monitor that this is only seen as one aspect of downtime.

• If your child enjoys being outside, set it up so that they can find themselves absorbed in outdoor activities. There is nothing more mentally refreshing than jumping on trampolines, bouncing balls, shooting for goals, skipping, digging in small sandpits etc. Children can really lose themselves in outdoor recreation.

• Set up routines at home to ensure that downtime is factored in. This could be that every week you decide as a family to simply have downtime. Invite the child into planning the routine of downtime.

• Talk as a family about what downtime can look like for different members of the family. What is important here is the conversation about how the family values downtime.

This article is primarily reminding us that downtime is a wellness component and should be valued as an important part of family life.

Downtime refreshes the spirit, clears the mental cobwebs and charges the emotional battery, ready for more active engagement with life.

“Time isn’t the main thing. It is the only thing.”

— Miles Davis

The importance of Rituals in family life.

As a family do you hold family rituals? This could be a range of occasions where you gather as a family to reinforce or celebrate aspects of family life. You are probably doing this on the run, as it is common practice to repeat patterns with family habits.

This article suggests that rituals become a recognised aspect of family life.

This is important for several reasons.

• Children learn from routine and feel reassured that what they are doing is part of their regular life.

• Rituals are unique to your family. For example, it might be a pattern in your house that every Sunday you have a special family meal together. It could be that every Friday night the family eat take aways and talk about their week. Perhaps your family has a religious ritual on a regular basis.

Simply having the ritual of reading at night is an act that becomes very familiar to your child. It reminds the child that in your family reading is a way of life.

This article recommends giving your child an awareness that ritual is important and makes a clear statement of who you are as a family.

• Consider listing all the rituals and habits that you as a family enjoy. Talk about how new rituals can come into play as the family gets older and needs to change. However, there are some rituals that may never change. They are embedded in the family DNA.

• Talk about the difference your children have noticed when they visit other families. This gives them a stronger awareness of what is unique to your family. Consider sporting clubs and the rituals held firmly with them.

• Point out other rituals you notice in other organisations.

We refer to the school as having its own unique culture. This culture is made up of routines and rituals that are often unique to that school. Children become familiar with how that culture operates and this gives them guidance in how they work and play in that environment.

Giving your child clear guidelines in family rituals that form your own unique way of life, gives them reassurance and awareness of what drives your family. Talk to them about why these rituals are valued and what makes them unique to you.

 Consider the following:

• Rituals are often passed on from generation to generation.

• Children need and love routine and patterns that they understand.

• Rituals have messages behind them and teach children what is valued and precious in your family. Children naturally compare and having their own rituals gives them a sense of pride and security in what is recognised as their unique family.

• Sometimes children will reject or work against the family ritual. This is their way of testing their own developing opinions and values. In the long haul, whether they like them or not they still appreciate the ritual as a statement of what is important to you, the parent.

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Over the centuries, rituals have been a way of life for many and varied groups of people. Family is a very powerful part of a child’s developing world. Family rituals therefore are embedded deeply in the heart and mind of a child for a very long time. When your child becomes a parent, they will reflect on what rituals were passed down to them in their childhood. Surprisingly many reappear wrapped in the framework of a new generation!

“At the heart of every family tradition is a meaningful experience.”

— Acostantine

Rituals are all about conditioning your child to value what is considered precious in family life.

Our children can teach us so much.

Isn’t it wonderful how much joy we gain from watching our children? Their laughter, childhood ways, imagination and sense of fun give us life.

This article is inviting us to stop and reflect on how children are a source of joy. We can learn so much about the beauty of life through their eyes. After all, being an adult can be very boring. It can also drain our sense of fun and reduce our awareness of all that is life-giving around us.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life.

At school, it was my common practice that if I was a having a bad day, weighed down by various matters, I would take myself around to the classrooms, just to enjoy the chatter, humour and life in the classroom. It lifted my spirits and made me realise how much I can learn from children. Let’s consider our children’s youthfulness as a happy pill and one that puts us in a better mental framework.

Their simple wisdom, unshakeable love for their parents, innocence when it comes to seeing the best or worse in a situation, teaches us that sometimes we can adopt a lighter more manageable approach to life.

All that we understand can be seen from different, less judgemental eyes. All that we see can be understood with better understanding and more general acceptance. As children have their faith in those around them, they can teach us how not to lose hope and belief in others. They also teach us how to simplify understandings, taking out the anger and hurt.

Here are some thoughts that invite us to reflect on times with our children that can be beneficial for improving our spirit and disposition.

• Laugh with your children. See the funny side to their actions.

• Listen to their words. Often simply expressed but with powerful messages.

• Watch them play and join in to the experience. They often talk about all sorts of interesting things when playing. It is especially enjoyable listening to their chatter in a sandpit.

• Children love to draw. Watch them and talk about what their drawings are all about. As an adult doodling can be another form of drawing in a state of relaxation.

• Sing with your child. Some of the songs you will know and the repetition is often comforting.

• Enjoy the changing expressions on their faces and the interesting body language. These shift so regularly and are a key to how they are processing information.

• Let your child know that you learn from them.

“I love the way you use play dough. Can you show me how you created that shape?”

• Children have a different sense of time to busy adults. Perhaps we can adopt more time to things we enjoy doing and reduce the busy things we do that clutter the day.

• Allow them to be creative. This can go in many directions that will surprise you. Their creativity abounds in so many ways.

• Remind yourself by talking to your children about the fun parts of your childhood. What made you laugh and what drove your spirit.

This article invites the parent to simply enjoy the moments with their children and notice the unique childlike manner that is so attractive to them.

Time passes quickly and those moments where we learn about our child in their childhood become less and less as they grow older. My belief is that if we capture their joy, we will carry it with us and it will give us some positive feelings along the way.

Let your child show you the way to being lighter and more positive about life. Adopt a little of their liveliness and enjoy the day.

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

— Tom Stoppard

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

Being the best you can is often enough as a parent.

Are we looking for perfection in rearing our children? Do we question ourselves when we think our parenting was not good enough?

Perhaps we make judgements on how effective we are compared to friends, our parents, other family units. 

Do you think your parenting is not good enough?

Sometimes we make the call to be exceptional in our interactions and management of our children. Sometimes it is all too hard. We can be tired, unwell or preoccupied with other things to give parenting our one hundred percent attention.

What is worth considering is our very human condition. We are entitled and expected to be human and this comes with all its imperfections and warts whether we are a parent or not.

Once we start parenting we can sometimes have feelings of guilt if we are just not perfect enough. Perhaps we could have tried harder? Were we right in making that call?

I have some good news here. Children prefer the human in you. They feel more at ease when and if you make mistakes and are open about them. The trick here is to be honest with your child. Apologise when mistakes are made and be prepared to start again. Talk about how sometimes you are not good at things and occasionally you may find tasks hard. You actually have to work hard to be a parent sometimes! The child is wise enough and intuitively knows how you operate as a parent. Although they may see other models of parenting surrounding them, they are still comforted and reassured with their own parents.

Parenting is all about the effort and process you use and the sincerity in which you interact with your child.

 In working with children, teachers are very keen to articulate when they make a mistake. They see this as a chance to teach a child that making mistakes, being imperfect is a natural way to understand the human condition. The quality of teaching improves when teachers feel relaxed about talking about their imperfections to their children. There is real value in a teacher’s honesty with their class.

The emotional growth of a child also is influenced by their ability to interpret situations especially human actions.  

 Consider the following:

• Your human face is part of your charm. Don’t hide it from your child. Let them see the real you.

• There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is an ongoing process in which we keep working with our children, weaving in and out of situations that morph into different scenarios.

• Children expect and deserve to see you in all your glory and this comes with some ordinary moments as well. They, in fact, love the ordinary in you!

• Sometimes good is good enough and as a parent, you need to understand that nurturing yourself improves parenting. This may involve giving less time to your family and some more time to yourself. This also teaches the child that you value yourself. To be a more successful parent is about being a happier adult where your well being is valued.

Carrying feelings of guilt around with regard to not being a satisfactory parent only unsettles a child who loves you unconditionally for who you are all the time. 

Keep the happy levels up in parenting no matter how you think you perform. Focussing on underachievement and comparisons in this area of parenting only fuels further discontentment with yourself and the child.

Nurture and love of your child is not always linked to being successful in every area of parenting. The most important person who realises this is your child.

 The message is simple. You are doing the best you can do and learn to love the journey along the way.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

Does your child overthink matters?

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

• If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

• When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

What to be aware of when separation occurs.

No question about it, there are multiple thoughts and feelings throughout all the family when separation or divorce occurs. Not the least of which is anxiety in the child. This is a big topic and the point of this article is not about anxiety specifically.

There is one important factor that is worth reflecting on when a family goes through the pain of separation. That is simply how does the child read you and your reaction to the situation.

In working with children whose parents were recently separated, one major factor they would chat about was how they felt their parents were coping. They would easily recognise emotion such as anger, frustration and hurt but they were particularly focussed on how this may change their relationship with their parent. They became concerned that the preoccupations of the parents would reduce or change their relationship with them. To the child they were unsettled about how they were now seen in the light of the parents. Of course, no clear understanding of this would be given to the parent as the child acts cautiously around the emotionally charged parent. After all they do not want to worsen the pain.

As a parent going through such a major emotional turmoil, any wonder that the child questions their place in the family.

Here are some tips on how to ease this concern for your child.

What images does a child retain over a separation or divorce?

• Be open and honest with your child. This gives them reassurance that they fully understand what is changing in the family.

• Talk to them about how your love and closeness to the child has not changed but sometimes being upset can look confusing.

• When you feel that you cannot cope and unsettled emotions are close to the surface tell your child:

“Today I feel very sad about things and need some time to think about them. Just remember that I love you even though sometimes I am preoccupied in my head.”

• Take care not to be critical of your ex-partner in front of the child. This confuses them even more and a child can build resentment from hearing negative talk. It makes them anxious and confused.

We all know that time passes and hopefully you heal from the hurt. What is said and done in the process can linger longer with the child in their mind. Words said and actions done can be longer term memories for the child. This tells us to be as a careful as possible with your child when going through the dark period.

On the bright side, a child will admire your courage in coping and the way you managed yourself. So much can be learnt by the child if they are kept well informed along the journey. Remember they are going through their own journey of grief.

This article just touches on the images that a child retains over a separation. A child’s big focus is how they are valued by their parents. Such value is seen at risk by the child when crisis hits the family.

Gentle, frequent reassurance and opportunities for positive experiences helps them understand that they are secure and still just as precious in your eyes.

“Walking the walk is the most important thing we can do for our kids.”

— Dr. Kelly  Bregman.

Try being child-like. It is a great leveller

One of the great advantages of being a parent is that your child will take you through all the stages of growth, physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally. They will reintroduce you to childlike ways. How much therapy can that be!

Playing with your children brings more benefits than you realise.

Whilst I appreciate our children can be exhausting and frustrating from time to time, they do give us such wonderful opportunities to relive our childhood in some way. Perhaps your childhood wasn’t so much fun, now is a time to enjoy the innocence and simple joy of being a child with your own child.

Sometimes being an adult and maintaining the pressure of living up to many and varied expectations can be very waring.

When you take time out to share in some fun and uncomplicated joy with your child, the world is a happier place to be. It also demonstrates to your child, that you can relax and share in their world, with all its magic and imagination. You are modelling that their world has its own charm and meaning in which you want to share. You are valuing their world and not placing expectations on them to be sensible, grown up etc.

In working with children, I was in a very blessed space as a workplace. If I wanted to ease the pressure of the office, I would often enjoy playing the games on the yard with the students, join in netball games, share in choir etc. I certainly felt better from being part of their world. I would return to the office much refreshed.

Consider:

• Visiting sandpits and together play in them. Beaches are wonderful spaces to play in the sand, no matter what age the child. They provide a wonderful climate to play sport such as cricket etc. Notice all the fun, families have on beaches in Summer. Beaches provide entertainment for all.

• Playing formal games at home. Simple games such as monopoly can provide hours of fun.

• Play Lego with the children. Are you as creative or as skilled as them?

• Drama is a great imaginative tool. Act out simple plays and stories together. Children love the dress ups. Join in with them. Sometimes using music, singing together leads to much joy. Dramatizing books being read is also a great fun way to engage.

• Physical activities such as bike riding together, rollerblading and other active games in the park can lead to so much enjoyment.

• Children love to write imaginative stories. You can join in and add sections to it.

• Draw together. This can be even using chalk on the concrete.

• Invite your child to recommend the game and join in. Younger children are very quick to create stories and adventures.

These considerations may not be new to you but the following reasoning is behind the idea of joining in the world of the child.

• It is mentally healthy to play and relax. What better way than to do it with your children.

• As an adult taking a break from being a grown up is a positive way to improve mental health. Sometimes maintaining the adult in you is hard work.

• By joining in with your child, you relive some memories and trigger some smiles. All positive for everyone concerned.

• Finally, who says we have to lose all our childhood and grow up.

A better-balanced adult who can see life from many angles including that of a child is a more interesting person with high emotional intelligence.

“Be small and childlike. There is no simpler, better way to see the big picture. ”

—   Keep life simple Therapy. Linus Mundy

Just be yourself

Have you ever noticed how we alter our behaviour, body language etc. when we are talking to our children?

Are we ever consistent in the way we communicate with them?

It is easy to understand that mood, temperament, personality etc. can influence how we talk to our children. This article is about being consistent when you talk to a child in the following ways:

Your child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face.

• Keep the same tone of voice with the child. This applies to any situation whether upset, or simply instructing a child. The same tone of voice ensures the child will listen with more intent.

• When we talk, introduce what you have to say as clearly as possible. The more complicated we talk to our children, the quicker they disconnect from what we have to say.

“I want to talk to you about the toys in your bedroom. We need to think about where we put them.”

• Keep your language simple. This is especially the case with younger children and when we have something important to say to our child.

• Using the same tone of voice, do not imitate other people when talking. A child knows you very well and they expect and trust the legitimate you.

• Consider the volume of your voice and be consistent with using the same volume. Try keeping a gentle tone in the voice. Children are quick to pick up a change of attitude through the volume and tone of voice. It is a strong cue to your mood and temperament.

• Try keeping a positive tone to your conversations. Being optimistic tells the child that we look on the bright side of life. It teaches them that optimism is an enlivening way to communicate.

When you are simply being consistent in how you talk, consistent in how you behave and react to situations, the child feels that they can trust the legitimacy of your words. They are more inclined to listen with interest and will not disengage when they sense a change of tone etc.

 I always remember a child saying to me on one occasion:

“Why are you speaking differently to me, Mrs Smith?”

When I reflected on this it was because I was in a hurry, a little annoyed and anxious to move on with another matter.  I wasn’t expecting to be dealing with the issue concerning this child. How pointless was the conversation with the child and how damaging to their image of how I communicated with them? Could they rely on how I spoke to them next time?

Whilst I appreciate being consistent is not always easy, consider the following tips to help:

• Don’t say anything if you are not able to operate well with the child. No damage is done from being silent.

• Tell the child that today I feel unwell or unable to have a chat so we will follow it through when things are normal. Be of course honest in why you are postponing the conversation.

• Try smiling more and give good eye contact to your child. Don’t forget humour is helpful in being relaxed and being yourself.

• Sit comfortably and be in a relaxed state when chatting about matters.

• Busy, noisy places tend to cause us to react and we become busy, noisy, people ourselves.

This article is simply reminding us that the child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face. They feel safer and more secure when they are talking to their parent whom they know and love and most importantly is consistent, predictable and trustworthy.

“Being authentic will radiate more pure energy than trying to be an ideal person.”

— Christian Lonsdale