Dealing with the put downs

Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.

If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.

The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.

“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”

“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”

“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”

These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive.  In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.

It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:

• Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.

• Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….

“I am disappointed when…”

“I am unhappy when…”

“I do not like your behaviour when…”

Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.

• Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.

• From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.

In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.

The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.

 “I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”

  “I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”

Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.

However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.

Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

— Stephen Covey

How disappointed do we really feel?

It is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.

The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.

• Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.

• Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.

• Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?

• Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?

• Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.

• Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.

“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”

• Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.

• If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.

• Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.  

“No expectations, no disappointments.”

— ENKI quotes

How to deal with outbursts of anger.

Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:

‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’

Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.

When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:

‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’

Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.

• Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.

• When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.

• You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.

• Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.

• An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.

• Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.

• Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.

Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— ~

Curiosity boosts learning

Einstein was a famous one for telling everyone that without curiosity learning does not grow. He would argue that without his insatiable attitude for being curious he would not have made his discoveries about the universe.

By nature, children are curious. We see this in the young child who will explore everything in front of them. As the child grows, also grows a level of caution, it’s natural. As parents, we monitor what is safe and not so safe when it comes to being curious. This blog is to remind parents that curiosity can come in so many ways. Our role is to encourage it and to invite our children to explore the world through different lenses, understanding that within each lens, different perceptions develop.

To some degree developing curiosity is linked to developing independence and as the parents give the child more freedom, they begin to explore the world in their own way without boundaries. They experiment with more freedom and this will come with mistakes and success. In order to build curiosity in our children the following thoughts may help:

• A child can be curious in many ways that can be as simple as learning to cook, playing in the sandpit, studying recipes etc. through to learning about planets. The range is big, or small and is everywhere.

• The more we don’t give immediate answers but invite more questions, the child’s curiosity grows.

“Look at that beetle. I wonder why it goes in and out of the rock?”

• More questions beget more questions and so the probing goes deeper, the perceptions alter and alternative thinking develops strengthening and feeding our creative disposition. Here critical thinking begins.

• When the child sees that you enjoy being curious, they learn that the experience will be enjoyable for them and they can ask questions freely. Just giving answers does not excite the imagination and shuts down all creativity.

• When you listen to the news or read something of interest, use these occasions to discuss the curious nature of the article or news item. Children will soon learn that you invite conversations with them to learn more and enjoy the discussion together. This, to you, is seen as an effective way to work through issues, problems or simply to gain knowledge.

• This is a time when asking “why” a perfect way to invite curiosity. Children prefer this rather than straight answers. We are not always the bearer of all information, but we can be the bearer of many questions to explore different ways of looking at things.

• If your child knows that you will invite them into being curious, rather than just providing an answer, they will be more inclined to approach you with interesting thoughts and ideas. A child is naturally attracted to questioning, rather than just knowing the answer.

• Schools are actively teaching a method that invites gaining knowledge through asking questions. Your child, if at school age, will be familiar with this process, which to them is a natural form of learning. Talk to your child’s teacher to learn more about the Inquiry approach to learning.

• When you ask questions, rather than give an immediate response, you are telling your child that there could be many ways of looking at something. This is encouraging the child to see everything from various lenses. It presupposes that having a go and reflecting on different answers is not about making mistakes, but rather seeking out the truth and thinking with an open mind and being a critical thinker.

“What road do I take?”
“Well, where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”

“Then it doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are going. Any road will get you there.”

— Alice in Wonderland

Take care with words spoken

In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.

Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.

Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.

• Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn.  Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.

• Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.

• Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.

• Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.

• Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.

• If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.

Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

— Napoleon Hill

Teaching your children to be planners

Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.

Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.

There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.

Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.

Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.

They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.

When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.

Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.

• Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?

• There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?

• Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?

• What resources do you use in planning?

• When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.

• When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.

• Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.

A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.

“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’

                             -Josef Albers”

— Quote Source

What is your cause and how do we pass it on to our children?

To some degree, this is all about ethics. It is about our ability to have beliefs and stick by them through our words and actions. Every day we are modelling our beliefs to our children. They are quick to observe how we live out those beliefs and especially if we are consistent with such beliefs… No pressure!

Their observations give them an insight into what we value and are prepared to live by. For example, if you have a particular faith that you live by, are you consistent in its practice? Do your causes play a big role in the life of the family or are they just personal causes that you live by? Either way, they will influence your child directly and indirectly.

For example, the environmental issues of the day have captured the minds and hearts of the youth. Do you live with a cause to being environmentally friendly? If so, are you living out your values and sharing them with your family? The agenda of environmental impact is a wonderful and current cause in which to work with your children.

This blog is simply to remind us that we are great influencers of our children who keenly watch what we value and how we demonstrate honesty and consistency to our causes. Little eyes are always watching and observing to see if our words and actions are aligned.

In a school setting, children are aware that causes are an important part of the world of teachers and the school community. They expect, nay, demand from their teacher’s, consistency in their actions and values. If their teacher is not consistent in their causes, such as the belief of working hard, being consistent and planning well, they lose respect and their interest in following that teacher’s directions falls away.

As a principal in working with children they knew that I had a strong cause to engage with them and listen. If my listening dropped off, so too did their interest in chatting about matters that affected them. I suddenly became much less credible in their eyes.

 When we are honest to our cause, children no matter how negative they feel to our beliefs, respect our efforts in honouring what is important to us. When they see consistency and dedication to our mission, they are more inclined to respect our efforts even though at times we fail.

Your causes will influence your child directly and indirectly.

 Consider:

• Do you have causes that are visibly displayed and lived out at home? It is valuable articulating the causes that are important to you.

• Do these causes have a big impact on how you parent?

• Reflect on the message you are giving to your child about what and how you value that cause.

• Our children need to see how ethical we are as parents. Do I clearly articulate to my child what is important to me?

• As a family discuss the many and varied global causes that are in today’s world. This gives you a chance to talk about how passionate people become with important causes. Perhaps your child has a strong interest in some cause or is developing a passion that can blossom into a full-blown cause. This sets them on a mission to learn and do more.

• If your child is demonstrating a strong interest in some cause, it is worth teasing that out and inviting your child to reflect on how to support and strengthen that developing purpose and passion. Be open to a different understanding that with each generation comes a new interpretation of what the world values.

Remember from little seeds big things grow.

“Tell me and I’ll forget. Teach me and I’ll learn.”

— Benjamin Franklin

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

Understanding how boys learn

This is such a big topic and, in some circles, quite controversial. Basing it on my observations and speaking to teachers over the years there is a clear difference in how our boys learn. Some schools do considerable professional development in this area to guide their work in the classroom.  However, experienced teachers will tell you that how a boy learns in most cases is very different from a girl.

When parents brought in their pre-schooler to talk about starting school, it was evident at that early age that children had a clear sense of who they were and what they preferred to play with. No surprise the girls wanted to draw and the boys gravitated around building blocks. There are arguments that suggest that at a very early age, preconceptual ideas of gender are formed and both boys and girls will have already learnt about society’s expectations on them. This article is not to discuss the bias that is placed on gender formation, but rather to remind boys parents that there are certainly important factors to consider if a boy is to learn well. These ideas are not exclusive to boys alone but are my observations of boys learning over many years.

“I realise that despite my tiredness, my son has the most fun when I do things his way…
Wild and loud. Go Big or go home.”

— PowerfulMothering.com

 Consider:

• A boy will tune into learning if it attracts them. Providing lessons that are highly stimulating and interactive is a winner with the boys. This tells us that providing boys with short sharp experiences often is attractive to their learning style.

• Boys can distract easily if disinterested. Once distracted, they are hard to bring back to the core of the lesson. Teachers have the challenge of providing short sharp focus time to keep them engaged.  Understandably at home when you lose their attention, it can be quite a task to bring them back to focus. Perhaps try not getting angry too quickly, but rather understand that it is the nature of boys.

• Intermittent sport across the school day is a great way of keeping the brain active and the boys engaged. I always found longer lessons were not as successful for the younger boys. In lockdown I am sure families found less pressure after short bursts of playing outside.

• In many cases boys can find learning to read, a harder process to learn. This can also apply to writing. Teachers have to think carefully when encouraging boys to write. The more abstract the concept, the less absorbed they become. When younger, they need very tangible experiences with writing especially. Reading also needs careful selection of books, as often fantasy is not their interest. Stories that are concrete and tangible are more their choice.

• Keeping the boys engaged in lessons is the skill of the teacher. Care is always taken to be inclusive and tolerant of different ways that a boy can present themselves in a classroom.

• Providing activities that are tangible and concrete can really stimulate a boy’s learning. This is where problem solving in a class can be a highly sort out activity. Boys can very competitive and sport, games etc. is an excellent way to keep their energy levels satisfied.

• Sometimes boys take a little longer to form their letter formation well and to write uninhibited. Slow, gentle encouragement is important here. Giving boys small objects to play with helps with motor skills. Of course, using Lego is a well-chosen activity for boys who like to build, create, design and to see something tangibly grow in their hands.

• As a parent, try not to jump in too quickly to correct and discipline boys. They need time to process and you need to be sure they understand what you have to say. Perhaps there is some truth in that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

• Boys value fairness and justice. They are quick to temper but from my observations they will forgive and move on with more speed than most girls. Mateship, connection and loyalty to friends plays a very big part in their life.

• The above simply highlights some features of boys which I have observed over the years. Parenting does require really understanding your child, being tolerant when necessary and encouraging where possible. As a role model, boys need to experience the full spectrum of positive values (love, compassion, empathy in parenting etc). Never underestimate the need to be gentle and fair in working with your son.

A great memory I keep is that one day two boys were sent to me for discipline. When I started talking to the boys they immediately wanted a negotiation.

“Look Mrs Smith it’s like this. We have made up now and we are friends. There is a footy game outside and we want to join in now. Can we do our consequences tomorrow?”

No surprises there were no consequences!