Fairness... innate in some children.

Do you have a child that gets quite upset when they see others not being fair or just? Some children become quite distressed if fairness is not followed through when incidences occur.

A chart can help an understanding of justice in a child's world.

At a very young age, some children have a very well developed sense of fairness which at times makes them isolated from other less developed children who display selfishness, break rules in games etc. This can be a difficult area for parents who in managing a family have to set rules which at times are adjusted to suit shifting demands.

Is it any wonder that children with a strong sense of justice become quite distressed when they see fairness break down and rules seem different for others?

I recommend firstly applauding the child for their mature sense of fairness and in fact read books where the heroes are children who win the day because of their sense of justice.

Draw up a chart where the child has the opportunity to rate the situation where they became angry due to unfairness. Give it a rating out of five. Talk it through with them explaining that other children are on a journey to get better at fairness. This gives the child a chance to tell you why it wasn't fair and together you suggest what could have happened to make it better.

This is a wonderful time to talk about how everyone's mind is developing and working towards getting better at fairness. Keep the chart somewhere visible and as each incident is discussed it may help them to understand how others are still working on building their understanding of fairness.

It is also a chance for you to tell your child how proud you are of their developed sense of fairness and tolerance to others. You could also invite the child to rate their distress at the incident in the hope that after a while they learn to lower their distress,

This is a tricky area given the shifting understandings of justice in a child's world. This activity helps to ease their anxiety and affirm their credibility.

A quick anger buster

Let's break through that quick anger!

Some children can be calm one moment and then without any understanding of what has actually happened, their mood can go from zero to ten. It can quite explosive and frustrating to understand as a parent.

Parents find this difficult to manage given that the behavior comes from an unknown source.

The first thing to understand is that when a child is highly emotive, their reasoning and ability to listen and respond to logic won't be present. Therefore, rationalizing won't work at that point. It is best to wait for a short time and when the child is calmer tell them.

“I get very unhappy when you get angry quickly”.

How do you break through your child's anger?

If the child is then able to tell you what the anger was about, follow with;

“When you have those feelings again, tell me and together we can work it out”. Ask them to give you a number from one to ten as to how they are feeling. This makes it easy for them to explain their frustration level.

It is always good to follow up at night before bed and talk about those angry feelings.

Sometimes instant anger is used as the child's language is not yet developed enough to respond to the situation with effect.

Teach the child that expressing feelings through language is a great way to let you know how they feel.

For example teach them that they can say:

I am angry because

I am sad because

I feel unhappy when

I am frightened when

Expressing emotions out loud actually starts the process of feeling better.

Sometimes having a feelings chart at home can help with younger children. I use it all the time to start conversations about feelings. Children actually look for the chart to start the conversation.

Another way to help is to write down some feeling words and put them around the house. The child could decorate the words and discuss them with you before they are placed on the fridge etc.

 Invite them to use these words when feeling unsettled.

 Getting the feelings out in the open starts the healing process.

Talking with care can become a lesson to the child around the school grounds

Have you ever felt uncomfortable when you hear gossip around the traps. This can be unfortunately a common feature in school car parks and quite unsettling. No surprises that you see teachers and Principals smiling and engaging with everyone first thing in the morning and after school. School communities can be an environment that occasionally breeds unfortunate talk around the school grounds.

A child will easily pick up the tone of a conversation and interpret it in their own way.

This article reminds us that often when we engage in conversation that has negative undertones and can include conversation around other people, the child will easily pick up the tone of the conversation and interpret it in their own way. They will be curious about your thoughts and beliefs around the discussion and sometimes they will carry this into the classroom and with their relationships.

Remember children value, want and actually expect your approval of their school environment. They become confused when they hear negative talk around their teacher, school mates, school community etc. Children struggle to understand the full context of what an adult conversation is about, especially if it is had incidentally, and so they may only hear aspects that unsettle them. I recommend that when talking amongst other families on school premises, take care to talk positively and to later reinforce to your child the positive aspects of your conversation.

If you are unsettled about any information or discussion the child has overheard, reassure them that you always seek clarification with the teacher or Principal. Keep in mind that the school occupies a very big part of the life of the child and it needs to be emotionally a safe place in which to work and play. They need to keep a stable disposition around school to gain the very best from their education on various levels, social, emotional and intellectual. A child needs to feel that a parent trusts all aspects of school life and that this is demonstrated by how the parents engages with the school over the year.  Should unsettling conversations occur than a child understands the best approach that is taken by the parent is to be in touch with the school in which they have so much faith.

There are many lessons to be learnt in attending school and not all of them are in the classroom. One important lesson for our children is to understand how to be a community member and how to make positive connections to each other no matter how different or challenging they may be. They observe their parents as they model their behaviour around the school environment. The more a parent displays a positive disposition, especially when around negative conversation and engages with the school optimistically, the more trusting and confident the child will be when they come to engage with school in different ways.

“Being positive in a negative situation is not naïve.”

— It's leadership. curiano.com

IT’S OK TO HAVE AN OPINION.

Are you the sort of person that is overwhelmed when strong personalities talk over you? This can be so frustrating. As we grow and develop on emotional, social, intellectual and physical levels we find our place in groups and especially in conversation with each other.

Some people become shy and timid, others develop more confidence in expressing themselves etc. The point here is that whatever the developing personality of your child, they need to find a space for their voice. The best place to start is the comfort of the family.

By this, I mean they need ongoing and regular opportunities to be heard and have the time to express themselves. Some families have special listening times at dinner. Of course bed time is another occasion.

A child needs to know that they have a voice which is valued and that people want to hear what they have to say. This is a right and if they develop feelings that they have opinions that are valued, they grow in self confidence.

This is about strengthening their emotional maturity. They hear conversations but recognise that in that conversation they can have opinions and offer comments.

They will always see models from their parents in terms of how they communicate with different groups.

When working with children, after listening carefully to their concerns it was quite common to include:

“So what do you think of that matter?”

“Do you think there is value in that idea?”

Giving a child the right to a voice gives them the understanding that they are valued. It also teaches them the art of conversation and develops their listening skills and improves literacy skills.

Here are some suggestions to give them a voice.

• At dinnertime, bring up a topic and ask each child to talk about their thoughts and opinions on the subject. Some parents use simple news items of the day.

• Ask your child to write down opinions on a topic. Put them into a box and at dinner read out everyone’s opinions and discuss.

• Use the newspaper to discuss some issues asking your child to comment on the matter.

• When the family talks about an issue, write opinions on a post-it-note and put on the fridge. This is an interesting way to discuss later as a family.

• When watching a film together, stop along the way to ask opinions about some issue that has occurred in the film. This sparks conversation.

We are helping our child grow in confidence to use their voice effectively and to feel reassured that their opinion is important. It may not be the overarching opinion of everyone, but it has a legitimate place in conversation.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise.
Only then can we play along in their world.”

— Vincegowman.com

Five suggestions on how to give your child a voice.

Take care with the language we use around our children

Conversation is all we have when it comes to talking and teaching our children. How we speak to them does have an impact on how they see issues such as love, anger, unhappiness, joy etc. Naturally, they work hard to read the signs which we give them through our speech. This article just alerts us to the importance of speaking well around our children.

Phrasing sentences positively, avoiding bad language, careful use of how we refer to people and of course intonation in our voice. Many wars have been one and lost through conversations.

Here is a short list of ways to talk to our children so that we teach them that through effective conversation, people can get their needs met respectfully and be heard.

 When talking about people phrase the sentences positively.

For example:

“John is not well and I can see that he is troubled by his illness at the moment. This can sometimes make you out of sorts.”

Here we are talking about a person and reflecting on how they feel given their circumstances. Note the positive flow in the sentences.

If unsure about how to respond, rather that jumping in quickly take time to think about your response.

Always add a positive element or spin where possible.

 Affirm in your talk.

 For example:

“ How exciting it is to see the effort you made in that race.”

Sometimes when unsure what to respond, saying nothing is acceptable and less damaging.

There is no need to have an answer for everything.

“That is interesting. I will think about that”.

In working with children it was always a plan of mine to not consult with them if I was overbusy, tired or hassled for some reason. Talking to children required the right frame of mind and the right style of conversation to be effective. If I rushed through the conversation or used abbreviated language, they would often say to me:

“Why are you talking differently today?”

Choose your time when there is something important to talk about. Think about how you might express yourself.

It is better to hold off in conversation if you are not well prepared mentally or physically to deal with the issue.

Learn to listen with empathy and compassion.

Your body language in conversation also sends messages to children, so choose to be calm and focused when talking about important matters. Give them strong eye contact.

Don’t forget to laugh and enjoy the experience of talking with your children. They see from this that you are seriously engaging with them.

Finally and most importantly be clear in how you speak. Messages swayed in sarcasm or sophisticated humour are lost on a child. They will listen to you and if they are quite young, children will understand you from a literal perspective. Speak with clarity, consistency and truth. This gives them feelings of being secure and reassured in understanding your meaning.

A child learns from you how conversation is a tool to communicate effectively with others. It is not a weapon of destruction but is a gift to be used well.  The more we demonstrate this through our way or style of talking will have an amazing impact on how our children use language.

Children learn from the way we speak to and around them.

Teach our children to like themselves first

A big issue for children at any age is to find a friend. I would also add to this that sustaining friends can be difficult for some children. Once a child feels vulnerable and struggles to settle into a friendship, they often manifest behaviour which can be quite unattractive to other children generally in the form of attention seeking, sulking etc.

Once a child is at peace with themselves, they will naturally attract others. Often parents come up with all sorts of suggestions to their child about how to make a friend, most fail as this is not the way to attract others to you.

A parent can help by simply supporting the child to notice and enjoy their own person.

For example, when you notice a strength of your child, talk about it.

When you see them being joyous and happy comment on how attractive they are when they smile.

Every time you notice how positive others are to your child, comment.

“It looks like Jenny likes the way you pass the ball in basketball”

“Did you notice how Josh smiles at you when you told that joke”.

Here you are simply encouraging them to reflect on their behaviour and the impact it has on others.

In working with children, I would sometimes encourage children to write down something that they like about another child. When that child read what was written about them, it had quite an impact recognising how they were valued.

Some children develop very early the art of establishing friends. One could say it almost comes naturally to them. The truth is that others like their steady, calm style.

However, most children have to work at building friendships, slowly and steadily and many go through the pain of losing them and having to re-establish themselves. This is quite normal and over time most develop sound strategies in building lasting relationships after much trial and error.

As a parent, your role is to raise their awareness of how capable they are in various areas especially social areas. I know of several parents who have a regular activity of writing down noticeable behaviours of their children that are very favourable especially when they interact with others.

For example:

“ I noticed how happy Jack was when you helped him with his Lego set.”

 As the child grows more in personal self-confidence and emotional maturity, they will naturally attract others. They will learn the important rule that relationships work well when you value the other person.

Never underestimate how they observe your relationships with friends.

It is all about watch and learn from parents!

It’s important a child is at peace with themselves so that they will naturally attract others.

Watch out for the doubtful Thomas in your child

It is quite natural to doubt yourself. However, with children it is all about building their self confidence and capacity to have a go at whatever challenges them. This is an important part of parent’s work, to reassure our children that they are capable beings and can develop the skills to rise above fears and doubts.  We help them in many ways by reassuring them and praising them when successful.

Whilst all of our encouragement is helpful and has value, it is also about giving children strategies to use when they feel doubtful. After all, we can reassure our child that they are capable but what is better is to teach them how to manage doubtful feelings once they recognise they have them.

When you own the responsibility of taking control of your own feelings, you are more successful at managing them. It also brings greater satisfaction in the long run.

When a child has doubts about their capabilities in some area remind them that doubtful feelings is normal and that there are several ways to get on top of those feelings.

Firstly, ask the child to openly talk about their doubt. This is about bringing it out in the open for discussion.

“I don’t think I can pass that test. It will be too hard.”

Ask them to give the doubt feeling a number out of ten. Then talk about times when the child has had success and passed similar tests.

Now set a goal that is attainable…for example:

“I will try to do my best so that I have had a go just like everybody else.”.

The goal is to get them to think about achieving part of the goal. After the test check in to see how the goal went and ask what number they would now give themselves in doubting themselves.

Another example is when a child thinks they cannot run well in a race.

What number do they give the doubt?

Set a small goal.

“I will try my best and just get to the end.”

It‘s all about setting small goals that help them begin to break down the doubt.  

Always remember to check in after they have worked to their goal. This is the time to reflect on how successful they were in managing the doubt.

In working with children, it was quite common to discuss the degree of doubt they had and then set a small goal to chip away at the lack of confidence. It was always important to come back together and celebrate the child’s achievements, no matter how small.

Whilst we praise and reassure our children of their capabilities, the more we teach them to manage their doubts, the better equipped they are to cope independently.

“Successful people have fears.

Successful people have doubts and successful people have worries.

They just don’t let these feelings stop them.”

T Harv Eker.

It is quite natural to doubt yourself! However, with children it is all about building their self confidence

How to get rid of that blue feeling

It’s hard to keep the mood positive all the time, even with children. They get quite crowded with thoughts and desires and sometimes struggle to put order into their life.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day. When this occurs, there is a simple and easy way to lift that spirit and most importantly to give the child strategies to help them control their moods. Remember what you are doing here is teaching your child how to manage themselves better from time to time.

Suggest that they write a list of activities or things that makes them feel happy. This could include everything from Lego to dolls to playing games etc. The point of this exercise is to discuss the list of suggestions that can very quickly shift a mood or temperament.

Put the list somewhere visible and discuss the possibility of engaging in some of these activities or simply discussing the fun and joy they receive from them.

The purpose of this exercise is to give the child a way out of thinking moody thoughts. It is about enlightening them on the positive and distracting their negative feelings. Keep the list visible for a while and suggest that the list should be upgraded from time to time especially when new experiences come into play.

When working with children it was quite common practice that they would write down activities or resources that made then feel good. It acted as a distraction to lower sad feelings and it also proved an excellent vehicle to talk about what was valuable in their life.

Children generally like to write or draw their feelings and so it is not an uncommon way to express themselves. A younger child without writing skills can of course simply draw the things that make them feel happy.

A good modelling technique is to demonstrate to your child that when you are feeling low you write a list of things that make you feel better. This modelling is a great example to them that you use similar strategies to deal with mood swings.

 A little bit of distraction can go along way to redirecting feelings.

“Start writing no matter what. The water does not not flow until the faucet is turned on.”

—  Louis D’Amour.

It is not uncommon to find a child feeling and looking quite idle and down in the day.

Are you sure your child knows what you are saying?

Some might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.

Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.

When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.

In working with children, it was very apparent that  I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.

             “I would like to talk to you about......”

 It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.

            “When the incident happened you got very angry”

            “When you were angry you     ......”  

When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.

When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.

The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:

•  Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.

• Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.

• Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.

• Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.

• Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.

• Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.

• Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.

A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.

This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.

Often you hear parents say:

             “ my child never listens to me”.

 I often heard from a child:

             “I don't know what mum wants from me.”

Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.

“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”

— George Orwell 1984

“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984

Let’s look at developing real independence in our children

The world today is a cautious place and there are very sound reasons why we need to consider how best to keep our children safe and away from harm’s door. Having said that, it is also vital that the child learns to be independent and starts from an early age to resolve matters for themselves.

In my work as a Principal, I was very aware that children these days lack resilience and this reflects how society in its determination to keep children safe, over nurture and choose to make decisions for children to secure the right outcome.

My observation and work with children also led me to recognise that  independent children, actually learnt fast, took risks and thought about matters in a more open ended way. They were children who felt comfortable in their own skin, happier in themselves generally and showed an inner confidence and emotional maturity that paid off for them in many ways.

How do we feel satisfied as a parent that we are keeping them safe, but actually letting them come out from their cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.

I recommend providing slow and progressive opportunities to show independence. This can start as early as the sandpit where they need to clean it up to make it safe and clean to use.

There are many occasions in the home environment where a child can show and develop independence. The kitchen is a prime example. Are they responsible for taking out rubbish out? Do they choose the décor for their room?  

Giving our children a range of domestic responsibilities is a great start. We can overtime move into more areas where independence can grow.

Homework is a classic example. If they choose not to complete it, the teacher will deal with providing consequences. Are they able to be dropped off at the corner with friends and walk to school? There are many examples and in most cases children feel so successful when they take a leap of independence.

Of course the independence they especially enjoy is when they are given personal freedom. By negotiating with your child, this is all possible. As the child gets a little older, with gradual support in being independent, you also begin to have more confidence in their ability to cope. This feeds into their overall awareness that you trust them.

It is best to remember that in order to make our children safe, they need to be aware and in tune with what is around them. This only comes from personal experience on their own part. When we over nurture, a child switches off their accountability button and learns little about how to understand the world. Such delayed maturity is a dangerous thing as children get older.

Keeping them safe is to set them free gradually. If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.

“I never teach my pupils, I only provide the conditions in which they can learn.”

—   Albert Einstein 1879-1955

If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.

Siblings can get in the way of each other

Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?

This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.

I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.

However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

 The following ways may be helpful:

•  Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.

• Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.

• If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.

• Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.

• Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.

Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as  a mentor and mediator.

Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.

One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.

Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.

Keeping an eye on the quiet child.

Do you have a quiet child? This refers to a child who generally takes a quiet stand on different matters. They may seem to be the child that sits and listens more or perhaps just responds to questions with one word answers. They may be the child that does not want to stand out in a crowd or appears happy to follow the others in various activities. In every classroom there will be those children who will not make their presence felt or who simply enjoy being part of a group in a non distinguishable way.

Many people are by nature quiet, shy or timid in their approach to communication with others. Whilst this is an acceptable trait, it is still worth monitoring children who appear exceptionally quiet or disinterested in engaging with others. There could be many reasons why remaining quiet and unnoticed is a preferred option for a child.

Whilst a child is developing intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially, this is the time to encourage them to be comfortable and confident in speaking out. A child needs to develop their voice, feel it is heard and gain success from people’s response. If a child remains too silent, they can build up resentment and feel frustrated that they are not achieving success like other children. They will also become conditioned into operating this way which becomes an accepted pattern of communicating where everyone around them adjusts to their silence.

It is also important to encourage the conversation as the child can become quite dependent on their silence which acts as a defence mechanism avoiding social issues etc. We need our children to deal with matters that arise using language with growing confidence.

In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.

In working with children, I was especially aware that in talking to the quiet child I needed to ask very open ended questions. I also needed to speak in a quiet and comforting voice that did not take on authority over the conversation. If at any point I spoke as though I was in charge of the conversation, it would clearly stop on the part of the child.

Here are a few tips on how to encourage the quiet child to use and strengthen their voice.

• When talking as a family unit, check in with the quiet child, asking questions that do not put them in any distress, especially when in front of other members of the family.

• Ask open ended questions, not closed ones. For example,

“When you were at school, today tell me some happy things that happened.”

• Some families have starter up sentences which they play as a family.

“Today I went to the park and ………

“I like breakfast because……

This can be turned into a fun activity. The principal here is to encourage longer responses to the statement.

• Affirm your child when they give you a sound explanation.

“Thanks for telling me that story. You explained it so well.”

• Writing stories and reading them out aloud is another way of a child hearing their voice and others responding to it, questioning and affirming.

• Take care not to dominate a conversation. This can be easily done as quiet children will simply let you keep on with the conversation.

No surprises when I say that excessive use of technology further limits their voice. Technology replaces their voice especially through the use of games.

In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.

What’s in a smile?

There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”. 

Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.

We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.

Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.

When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.

If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.

The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.

Consider the following:

• If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.

• Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.

• Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.

• Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.

• Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.

• As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.

• Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.

Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”

— Publilius Syrus

A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.

Take care to always tell the truth. It does set our children free.

As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!

In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.

This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.

The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.

In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.

Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.

•  Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully

             “I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”

Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.

Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.

They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.

After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.

Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.

•  Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:

 “You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.

This is more realistic then saying:

 “you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”

The first statement is real and genuine.

Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.

Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.

“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”

— Mark Twain

If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.

What is really the truth for a child?

Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age.  A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.

When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.

Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.

Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed. 

•  When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.

 “Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.

•  As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?

•  Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.

•  When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did  you feel afterwards when it was all over?

•  If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.

 “I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”

When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.

Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.

In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:

 “I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone      concerned”.

This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.

 Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.

Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.

Take care with incidental language

One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.

This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.

           “John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”

            “Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”

In both these statements we refer to their competency level.

Better to say something like:

            “John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”

            “You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”

It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.

We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.

            “You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”

We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.

When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.

Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.

             “Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”

 Try saying:

             “Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”

 The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.

                                              It's all in the words.

“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”

— John C Maxwell

It’s all in the words

Nine parenting tips to make life easier and enjoy your children

Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.

Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.

 Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.

• Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.

• Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!

• Set up a chart with a  'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.

• Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.

• Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.

• If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.

• If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.

• Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.

• Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.

In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.

This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.

“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”

— Abigail Van Buren 

Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.

Feeling sorry is important but within reason.

Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.

This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.

Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.

These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.

In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.

Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.

• As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.

• If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.

• Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.

• At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a  positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.

Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.

Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.

Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.

Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.