Teaching the child about discrimination.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child? Quite simply we should be starting at an early age as there are so many examples of discrimination in the life of a child. Some are subtle, some more blatant.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child?

A great sadness for me as school principal was to see how prejudice and discrimination could so easily creep into the life of a child. It was ever present through media, television, poor modelling from families and extended networks. It was often subtle but children learnt quickly to align themselves to groups and cultures that felt comfortable, seemed similar and made them welcome. Such alignment sometimes led to reduced understanding and tolerance of difference. It quickly shut down interest in other viewpoints.

Now having said that I can assure families that the best way to strengthen children’s understandings of the complex world is to expose them to as much as possible. For example, if you do not have aged family, grandparents etc, in the life of the child, align yourself with older people. Children enjoy their company and come to value and appreciate the aged.

If your child has little understanding of disability, perhaps watch the Paralympics or talk to neighbours with disability. Here we again remind our children that aligning with difference makes us richer.

There are many examples I could state about bringing your child to the table to understand and value the differences in society. Starting at an early age is the key. You may have a favourite charity in which the family contributes, talk about why this charity is so important to you.

Schools frequently take on projects to raise the awareness of social differences, especially social disability and if the family keeps up the dialogue at home and capitalises on opportunities to engage with social difference, they are encouraging their child to develop a broad appreciation of life.

Of course, everything we say and do as parents can potentially demonstrate bias. It’s unavoidable at times. However, we can take care to watch how we talk about groups that are different or challenging. If the child hears that you are open to differences and respect the variance in society, they are more receptive to not taking on bias themselves. They are also more inclined to talk to you about such matters.

A few tips in this important area.

• Talk positively about differences in our society.

• Always tell your child that whilst I feel this way towards an issue, there are other perspectives that could be considered.

• Watch programs together that cover important areas of discrimination.

• In a child’s friendship group there will be children of various races, attitudes, social status etc. Embrace the differences that your child brings home. Learn from the acceptance your child shows towards matters of discrimination.

• Be an opportunist. When you see a chance to engage with someone or something different, include your child.

• Demonstrate to your child that discriminating in any form limits a person’s capacity to understand the bigger world. Of course, I will have my opinion on certain matters but I welcome the opportunity to listen to others. Here you teach your child to open their thinking to a bigger world.

 This article is about keeping the pilot light on for your child to explore, respect and value differences in our world. The danger comes when they choose to undervalue matters of discrimination with little knowledge. Our objective as parents is to ignite a desire in our children to learn about all that is different. May they come to it with compassion and understanding.

“No one is born hating another person, be of their colour of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

— Nelson Mandela.

Helping children when testing is happening at school.

Who likes being evaluated? Not many from my understanding of human nature. Yet we regularly do this to children in schools across all their school life.

In teaching, regular testing is considered necessary to further guide their teaching in quality and in targeting the specific needs of your children. This is a valid reason but for some children, the fear of regular assessment at school can have an impact on their sense of self-worth.

It can also lower their interest in school and make them question their capacity to be successful.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider the following tips to help ease their worries.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider these tips to help ease their worries.

•  Make an appointment to talk to the teacher about the purpose of testing. This helps them understand why it might be important as a teaching tool. It is about transferring the need for testing onto the teacher who needs this information to guide her in her work. It also alerts the teacher to the child’s anxieties.

• Discuss how you approached testing at school and what best helped you cope.

• Talk about how a test helps you learn what you need to know.

  “In this test, you got some spelling words incorrect. Great!  Now we know which words to work on.”

• Some parents like to talk about tests as time to look for your growth curves.

“Well done. What growth curve do you need to take after that test?”

There are some excellent children’s books on the theme of coping with some failure. Most school libraries have them in stock.

•  Talk about how successful a child is because they did the test! The result is just to guide further teaching and learning.

• Do not focus on the detail of the test, especially the numeric results. For example, talking about the results, seven out of ten is not as important as talking about what the child will work on from the test.

• Talk about famous people who learnt from many trial and error experiments. Teachers will often talk to the class about how well-known sportspeople, scientists etc. all exposed themselves to testing their performance.

Ultimately tests can be a time for some children to increase their anxiety. Normal range anxiety is acceptable and can often drive better performance. However, should a child develop unacceptable levels of anxiety this must be addressed with the school and home working together. Without collective understanding and support, it can lead to absolute refusal of being assessed.

There is no escaping the rigours of life which do come with assessments of all kinds. Here we are building a child’s understanding of the value of testing and how it leads to further growth. It is all about measuring how far they have come and not what is not yet learnt. It is all about celebrating success to date and the effort put into the process of learning and growing.

“Life will test you but remember, when you walk up a mountain, your legs get stronger.”

— Sunshine

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

What’s in the words you use?

The power of words has such an impact on our children. Think about words used by your family when you were a child. Perhaps they were reinforcing or rather damaging. Either way, words are powerful tools in influencing our self-image. How we express ourselves reveals a lot about who we are to others and especially to our children.

This does not mean that parents should be wordsmiths but it does suggest that what we say to our children and how we deliver the message needs to be thought through carefully. Consider these two statements.

How are you delivering messages to your children?

“Clean the table it is full of leftover dishes.”

“I would appreciate you cleaning the table as it will make such a difference.”

or perhaps,

“I love a clean table. Thanks for your help. Let’s clean it up.”

 Ultimately the goal here is to clean the table but how we express it requires clear messages to your child and highlights your mood, temperament and how you desire to engage with the child.

Also consider the choice of words.

“That is a stupid thing to do.”

or,

“Doing that has caused some problems.”

When talking to children, they will always look for intent and seek clarity in what you say. Given that they seek approval from you they need to have conversations with you that are not destructive or display irrationality. Of course, when you need to discuss and deal with unacceptable behaviour, you will need to speak to them with assurity and firmness but I recommend the following.

• Say what you need to say and no more. Sometimes in our anxiety to deal with the matter other issues are brought into the conversation which can blur the whole purpose of the conversation.

• If you think that you will not handle the conversation well, then delay the timing of the discussion. Better to use effective language later rather than use poor language when unsettled.

• Remember that when a child is anxious, they often do not hear or process the whole conversation. Use gentle words that are listenable and clear to the child.

“I want to talk to you about the broken glass on the floor. It seems that you knocked over the vase when you were running. Do you remember our discussion about running around the room?”

• Take care not to use language such as stupid, dumb, silly. Often the child focuses on these words which cloud their feelings of self-worth when you are talking to them.

• On a positive note, when you affirm a child use language that is recognisable and valued by the child. Use familiar, comforting words in which they can identify.

“I am so impressed with your efforts. Well done.”

• Keep sentences short and sharp when wanting to deliver messages and take care not to change the tone of your conversation along the way.

• The words we use and how we phrase our words dictates to many people how we interpret the world. Your child sees you as a major model in their life and will mimic your style as they get older. It was quite common to see in class, children who sound so much like their parents. Never underestimate how your language influences your child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.                    ”

— Peggy O’Mara

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

Asking for help and questioning is a good thing to do.

As an adult do you find it natural to ask for help? Do you find asking questions difficult?

Often, we excuse ourselves and treat it as a natural process to ask for help. We are not embarrassed or feel awkward.  Of course, you can feel uncomfortable about asking for help. Generally as we get older we show more maturity about asking questions. It seems a normal response.

Children need to acquire the skill of asking for help and questioning. If they acquire this skill from an early age it becomes a natural way of operating and is understood to be the best and the most natural response when you don’t know the answer to any situation. I refer to its acquisition as a skill, so that we understand the very real value in simply asking questions and seeking help.

Some children, especially those that worry about making mistakes, can be reticent to ask for help. After all, does it suggest failure and a recognition to those around you that you do not know the answer?

What will people think of me?

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning.

One of the most contemporary methods of teaching is the Inquiry Approach which is based totally around asking questions. In fact, the bigger the question, the better scope to learn. This tells us that asking questions is recognised as an important way of learning and living from day to day.

If you have a child reticent to ask questions and seeking help when needed, the following suggestions may help encourage them to see the value in questioning.

• Talk to your child about how you like to ask questions to get more information. Highlight the time that seeking help solved your problem.

“Thank goodness I asked for directions on that trip. We would never have arrived on time without some assistance.”

“I asked your teacher how I could help you with homework and she gave me some excellent ideas. Without her help I would never know what to do.”

• Talk about famous people who ask many questions to get their work complete. Scientists, doctors etc. are all professions that rely on gathering more information through questioning to help with their work.

• When a child talks about a problem, list some questions that they could ask to get the problem solved.

“You seem unsure about that homework. Let’s think about some questions to get help from the teacher. For example:

1.    When do you hand the homework to the teacher?

2.    What part of the homework is the most difficult?

3.    Is it better to spread the homework over several days?

4.    Do you need more time to do this work?

5.     Which part of the homework is the easiest?

• Bringing questions into play is all about breaking down the anxiety about the problem. Ensuring that it is all manageable. Questioning and seeking help also is seen as a legitimate way of moving from not knowing to being informed.

When working with children who were reticent to ask questions or generally seek help in the classroom, we would turn it into a game. I would ask a question about a set problem and they would respond. Then it was their turn to ask a question about the problem. We would calculate who could ask the most questions about the problem we set down and who gained the most information.

Also affirming the child when they asked questions or seek help spontaneously is always a great tool used in the classroom. Try it at home.

“Well done, that question was a great one.”

“I am so glad you asked me to help you.”

“I like that question. It has got me thinking.”

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning in which the child feels comfortable and invites others into their process of thinking. We feel less anxious and personally vulnerable when we seek help and question. Both a natural way of life.

“The art of proposing a question must be held of higher value than solving it.”

— George Cantor

Is your child developing a growth mindset?

Call it what you like but this is all about teaching your child that you can look at life in various ways. The best and most positive way to go forward is to develop a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset. This is all about looking at situations and seeing how it can be understood from a position that will lead to growth, new understandings etc.

This is all about understanding that the growth of your capabilities is all about how you manage it. As a parent we encourage our child to see situations as positive opportunities rather than having a fixed outlook. For example, if a child comes home from school and talks about how he didn’t play well at lunchtime with his friends and so he will not play with them again. After all he feels better to not go where he has failed. This is definitely a fixed mindset. Rather we would be teaching our child to consider talking to his friends about the game or perhaps playing a different game with them. Whatever the discussion, it is about not seeing the incident as failure but an opportunity for growth.  

We can help develop enlightening in the child, the idea that we learn from anything we do.

“Sounds like you need to talk to your friends about games that work for everyone.”

Frequently talking this way about incidences that have not gone well is teaching the child that there are many ways at looking at situations and the best way forward can be to use a failed situation to improve yourself.

“You seem upset that the test didn’t go well. How about talking to the teacher about what went wrong so that you can get better at that problem.”

Here you are reflecting on the fixed outcome and turning it into an opportunity.

“Oh, dear the sandcastle fell down. Let’s look in the bucket to see how we can make a better one.”

By having the mindset that you will encourage your child to see the problem from a growth aspect teaches them how to approach situations that are not successful. Also, in your own life modelling how, you reflect on failed situations, turning them into a learnt process is important for the child to observe how you manage situations.

In working with children that felt unsuccessful and would give up easily, teachers would often invite them to set small goals or simply lay out in front of them different ways to see the problem. This was all about looking at re-framing the issue.

When I worked with children who seemed to have a fixed mindset about situations, we would discuss all the positive things that could be derived from the situation. We would often list them and discuss what we learnt from them.

“You seem to be unhappy that you cannot do spelling very well. Let’s look at the words you got correct that shows that you can spell”.

This article is about enlightening in the child the idea that we learn from anything we do. This especially includes when things go wrong. These occasions give us a chance to continue to get better. It is all about finding that hope is in every situation if you look hard enough.

“Anyone who has not made a mistake has never tried anything. ”

— Albert Einstein

Does your child overthink matters?

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

• If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

• When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

What to be aware of when separation occurs.

No question about it, there are multiple thoughts and feelings throughout all the family when separation or divorce occurs. Not the least of which is anxiety in the child. This is a big topic and the point of this article is not about anxiety specifically.

There is one important factor that is worth reflecting on when a family goes through the pain of separation. That is simply how does the child read you and your reaction to the situation.

In working with children whose parents were recently separated, one major factor they would chat about was how they felt their parents were coping. They would easily recognise emotion such as anger, frustration and hurt but they were particularly focussed on how this may change their relationship with their parent. They became concerned that the preoccupations of the parents would reduce or change their relationship with them. To the child they were unsettled about how they were now seen in the light of the parents. Of course, no clear understanding of this would be given to the parent as the child acts cautiously around the emotionally charged parent. After all they do not want to worsen the pain.

As a parent going through such a major emotional turmoil, any wonder that the child questions their place in the family.

Here are some tips on how to ease this concern for your child.

What images does a child retain over a separation or divorce?

• Be open and honest with your child. This gives them reassurance that they fully understand what is changing in the family.

• Talk to them about how your love and closeness to the child has not changed but sometimes being upset can look confusing.

• When you feel that you cannot cope and unsettled emotions are close to the surface tell your child:

“Today I feel very sad about things and need some time to think about them. Just remember that I love you even though sometimes I am preoccupied in my head.”

• Take care not to be critical of your ex-partner in front of the child. This confuses them even more and a child can build resentment from hearing negative talk. It makes them anxious and confused.

We all know that time passes and hopefully you heal from the hurt. What is said and done in the process can linger longer with the child in their mind. Words said and actions done can be longer term memories for the child. This tells us to be as a careful as possible with your child when going through the dark period.

On the bright side, a child will admire your courage in coping and the way you managed yourself. So much can be learnt by the child if they are kept well informed along the journey. Remember they are going through their own journey of grief.

This article just touches on the images that a child retains over a separation. A child’s big focus is how they are valued by their parents. Such value is seen at risk by the child when crisis hits the family.

Gentle, frequent reassurance and opportunities for positive experiences helps them understand that they are secure and still just as precious in your eyes.

“Walking the walk is the most important thing we can do for our kids.”

— Dr. Kelly  Bregman.

Just be yourself

Have you ever noticed how we alter our behaviour, body language etc. when we are talking to our children?

Are we ever consistent in the way we communicate with them?

It is easy to understand that mood, temperament, personality etc. can influence how we talk to our children. This article is about being consistent when you talk to a child in the following ways:

Your child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face.

• Keep the same tone of voice with the child. This applies to any situation whether upset, or simply instructing a child. The same tone of voice ensures the child will listen with more intent.

• When we talk, introduce what you have to say as clearly as possible. The more complicated we talk to our children, the quicker they disconnect from what we have to say.

“I want to talk to you about the toys in your bedroom. We need to think about where we put them.”

• Keep your language simple. This is especially the case with younger children and when we have something important to say to our child.

• Using the same tone of voice, do not imitate other people when talking. A child knows you very well and they expect and trust the legitimate you.

• Consider the volume of your voice and be consistent with using the same volume. Try keeping a gentle tone in the voice. Children are quick to pick up a change of attitude through the volume and tone of voice. It is a strong cue to your mood and temperament.

• Try keeping a positive tone to your conversations. Being optimistic tells the child that we look on the bright side of life. It teaches them that optimism is an enlivening way to communicate.

When you are simply being consistent in how you talk, consistent in how you behave and react to situations, the child feels that they can trust the legitimacy of your words. They are more inclined to listen with interest and will not disengage when they sense a change of tone etc.

 I always remember a child saying to me on one occasion:

“Why are you speaking differently to me, Mrs Smith?”

When I reflected on this it was because I was in a hurry, a little annoyed and anxious to move on with another matter.  I wasn’t expecting to be dealing with the issue concerning this child. How pointless was the conversation with the child and how damaging to their image of how I communicated with them? Could they rely on how I spoke to them next time?

Whilst I appreciate being consistent is not always easy, consider the following tips to help:

• Don’t say anything if you are not able to operate well with the child. No damage is done from being silent.

• Tell the child that today I feel unwell or unable to have a chat so we will follow it through when things are normal. Be of course honest in why you are postponing the conversation.

• Try smiling more and give good eye contact to your child. Don’t forget humour is helpful in being relaxed and being yourself.

• Sit comfortably and be in a relaxed state when chatting about matters.

• Busy, noisy places tend to cause us to react and we become busy, noisy, people ourselves.

This article is simply reminding us that the child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face. They feel safer and more secure when they are talking to their parent whom they know and love and most importantly is consistent, predictable and trustworthy.

“Being authentic will radiate more pure energy than trying to be an ideal person.”

— Christian Lonsdale

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

Take care with words

Sometimes words stick! Especially if they are offensive.

The old saying:

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” …

Remember, children don’t always hear the whole sentence and can take in one word only.

Totally untrue! I would say that most issues on the school yard that ended in fights were caused by the use of inappropriate words, simply name calling.

In my experience angry, upset children who were cross with their parents, teachers or friends would talk about the words that were used against them.

“Don’t be silly. The answer is in the book”

“You play footy like a monkey. You walk funny.”

Now in each of the above statements the person speaking would naturally deny that they called a child a name. Actually, all the child heard was the name and that made them feel very uncomfortable and hurt. They quickly identified with the name.

“That was a silly thing to do. The lid was clearly on the bench.”

All the child hears is that they were called “silly” while the person making the statement would say that they referred to the act of being silly and not the person. Too late! All that is heard and interpreted is the word “silly”.

Teachers often find themselves in a dilemma with students if they slip in their use of such words. They take care not to use words like silly, dumb stupid etc. as the child takes on the message that it refers to them.

Here are some common words we often use in our language. These are words which children internalise and consequently feel poorly as a result. Once the word is heard, the rest of what is said falls short.

Words such as silly, dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, lazy, careless, selfish, ignorant. I have heard children complaining of all of the above words being used on them.

Using words that are internalised by the child, even though you were not intending them to be personalised are often remembered for quite a while with children.

It is best to take the safest route with children and avoid such words in your conversations no matter in what context you were using them.

You would be surprised how quickly those words do hurt them and chip away at their feelings of self-worth.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will definitely hurt me!”

The importance of keeping attachment strong.

Attachment of the parent and child starts well before birth. The desire to attach, be comforted and feel secure, is such a precious and necessary part of our development. Young parents work hard to ensure that bonding happens early with the infant. As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.  

When the child starts school there is certainly giant leaps in the desire to develop independence, but be aware that they still want their attachment with their parents, strong and consistent. As they reach out for independence, consider the following important facts which contribute to healthy bonding.

As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.

• From time to time, simply repeat how much you love them. Perhaps you merely love all the precious things they do. The message is simply that you are bonded to them through unconditional love.

• When they reach for more independence, just reassure them that you are always available.

“It sounds like you really want to walk home independently. Just remember I am around if you need me.”

If this is the case, talk to your child about how you always felt that your parents were there. Discuss how this made you feel.

• Talk to your child about what makes them feel happy. Do they trust that you are always present for them even in difficult times? This is worthy of discussion.

• As a family are you openly affectionate? Being affectionate with cuddles and sitting together closely is an important part of feeling bonded. This can happen with children of all ages. There is not a time of growing out of this habit. Although as a teenager they may give you some grief about being affectionate around peers. This is natural!

• Write occasional notes to them about how much you love them. Put these notes in their lunchbox or bedroom. These are just little surprises. They are reassuring reminders.

• Talk positively about your child in front of others. Let them hear what you publicly feel about them.

• If you were fortunate enough to have loving parents yourself, talk about how you felt attached to your parents. What special gifts did they have which brought you together?

• Spend time with your child at bedtime. Talk about the special things that make you feel close to your child. Be quite specific.

• Do practical, happy activities together such as singing, dancing, camping and doing interdependent activities such as cooking, cycling etc. All these ongoing activities remind the child that they are happily attached to their parents and sharing common grounds when it comes to enjoying life.

Throughout their growing years keeping attachment steady is all about reassuring the child that whatever the growth curves, you still love the child unconditionally.

When I became a Principal, I was disappointed that I had lost a strong contact with children as I was not actively involved in their teaching. From time to time, I would produce and direct school plays and I felt the closeness once again with students as we were bonded closely throughout the play, having a common purpose.

To keep your family attachment strong, you need to work on building the family story together and sharing in substantial parts of your lives across different periods.   

“The propensity to makes strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature. ”

— John Bowlby, www.allaboutpsychology.com

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.

The big question, “But why?”

How often do our children ask us why? Often due to fatigue we just simply say “because” or “I said so.”

This response has a very short shelf life and the child will come back with more questions. The purpose of this article is to recognise that answering a child with honesty and truth is so important. If we do not offer reasonable explanations, it is common practice that they will seek answers elsewhere and this is not recommended.

Of course, younger children may ask many questions which can become tedious and repetitive. However, it is important to start the habit early of giving the child a reasonable response that is clear and accurate.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

• Keep your responses short and to the point.

• Always check in with your child if they understood your response. Keep the question on hold if you can’t answer straight away.

• If you do not know the answer then say so.

“I don’t know why that car is damaged”

• If you do not have the answer but can find the answer later, just say so.

“I don’t know why the tree is damaged. I will find out and tell you later.”

• Affirm the child for being inquisitive and show interest in the inquiring nature of the child.

“You have many questions. I can see how interested you are in so many things.”

Try not to shut the child down when asking questions, especially if they tend to repeat the same questions. This often means that they are still unclear about the reasons given.

The questioning is a normal part of growing up. The key point here is to let your child know that you value the question and will answer when you have the information.

This is all about bringing the child back to the same source, the parent when asking questions.

When working with children, it was important to listen carefully to the questions being asked as they were a key to how the child felt about a particular situation. It also was an entry point to talk about important matters.

“Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.”

Teachers use an inquiry method of teaching which is all about the child asking questions and working through the learning by posing questions.

                “You seem concerned about your maths test. Do you want to discuss it now?”

When a child asks repeated questions about the same topic it could be a cue that they have worries or concerns that need to be addressed. Simply respond to the series of questions by saying,

“Something is on your mind and I would like us to talk about it when you are ready.”

Children asking questions give us a clue to how they are processing, what are their interests and what preoccupies their thinking. This is helpful in supporting their needs physically and emotionally.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

Above all, give the strong impression to the child that questioning about the world, how they feel and what makes us tick are all part of being a healthy, mentally active child who does not feel the boundaries of controlling their thinking.

“Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot.”

—  pininterest.com

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

Careful with the language you use around children.

The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.

Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.

The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.

• Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.

• In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.

• Try to build in positive, reassuring language:

“I love that happy face when we clean your room”

“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”

• Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.

• Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.

• In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.

• Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.

• Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.

In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.

Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.

Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.

Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.

Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.

If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult.  Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.

If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.

Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell, Evangelical Christian Pastor.

Timing is everything.

How often do we ask questions and realise the answer was all about bad timing? How about when we plan activities and find its all too much due to poor timing, being tired, too busy, unwell etc.

Choosing the right time to get the best response, change of behaviour, higher level of understanding etc, depends on whether the recipient is in the best mental and physical space to listen and respond.

This article is all about sharpening our awareness of timing in all that we do especially with regard to vulnerable children.

Teachers are very skilled at managing timing issues, as they know that to get the best response from the children, they need to choose a time that is best placed for the activity. They will often check timetables, ensure all children will be available, inform parents well in advance and check to see that weather or other school conditions do not compromise their planned event. The lesson we take from this is that if you want the best response from your child, think carefully about the obstacles that could impinge success.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time to talk to your child about important matters.

For example:

• Is your child well?

• Are they preoccupied?

• Are they anxious about matters that preoccupy them.

• Are they distracted by friends, television etc.

• Are you talking to them about an important matter when they just want to play outside straight away

• Sometimes just after school, before school, getting into cars etc are excitable times and not suitable for discussions about important matters.

• Consider how often you have been talking to them about important matters. Are they on overload?

When working with children, if I had to discuss some issue with a child, I would check to ensure that I was not taking them away from an important activity to them, such as sport, art etc. This seems to them like a punishment and they are distracted from the discussion. Timing is everything.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time.

• Bedtime, when all is quiet is often a popular time to discuss important matters.

• Seek out times when the child is alone and happy to engage in conversation.

• Find times when you are doing activities together such as cooking, playing with Lego etc.

• Choose times when you are receptive to listening what they have to say. You need to create your personal time when you bring up matters that you wish to discuss.  Timing for you is also important.

• Always follow through if the timing does not work out.

“It seems we need to finish this conversations at another time. Let's do it when we have me more time together.”

• Take stock of your own wellness when approaching important conversations or situations. Timing includes the best time for you to discuss matters as well the child.

• Reflect on what you need to say. If it is quite emotive, the timing for discussion must be in a safe place, where you feel ready to discuss the matter and you feel the child will be receptive and not distracted.

• Always check who is around as timing can be influenced by the presence of others such as siblings, other parent, friends, people about to arrive, phone ringing, etc.

Parents can become quite frustrated when poor timing does not resolve a matter. This can lead to built up resentment and then an outburst of frustration which has poor outcomes for everybody. Parents can begin to think that avoidance is happening. Perhaps it is, but it is often driven by the incorrect use of timing.

Keep in mind that intuitive people carefully recognise the signs around them and choose wisely when getting the best from other people. The more astute you are in timing, the greater likelihood of getting the best response.

Learn to be a coach, not an instructor to your child.

Coaches are there to guide and give advice gained from their well earnt experience and training over many years. They are valued because they are not forcing their opinions on you. They are merely giving you the wisdom of their knowledge. They are quite unemotional when it comes to giving advice, but they weigh up all the options in the light of all the information given to them and invite their client to consider the various proposals they make.

What is a significant benefit of coaching is the fact that a coach is an advisory body and leaves it to the client to decide if, how and when they will proceed with suggestions.

Do you allow your child to decide for themselves and learn from their decision?

Consider taking on the role of coach with your child. This will involve being less in control of decisions made for the child and more reflective on looking at options. A child will always value a parent who uses less power and includes the child when making decisions. Being a consultant takes practice on the part of the parent and can be a trial and error process. A parent can start with a child from an early age:

“I have been looking at all your toys. Some are dangerous when you walk on them and some are soft. These are the dangerous ones. It would mean less hurt on your feet if you packed these away first.”

Here you are stating what you know about the safety of the toys. You then point out which one is dangerous when walking around. You leave the decision to the child to move that toy first.  Of course, sometimes you need to give more instruction, but just starting with little examples is an excellent way to become a coach to your child. You are giving sound advice and inviting them to consider the options.

In working with children at school, it was quite common practice to put the options on the table, discuss the pros and cons and then leave the decision to the child. This gives them more ownership of their decisions and they begin to recognise that using the information gained is beneficial to their outcomes. Once a child develops a taste for being a significant part of making their decisions, they usually act very reliably to ensure they take further ownership of decisions. This is all about developing their self awareness and no surprises, self confidence.

 “I hear you want to walk home from school on your own. Let’s look at some factors that concern me and then we can discuss what’s possible”

Note here as consultant you are putting forward experienced reasons why this decision may not suit. Using this approach,  the child is more likely to value your opinions and be less intolerant of the negative reasons you may present.

 If you simply talk about all the negative reasons why the child cannot walk home, they are not included in the decision which to them may seem unjust and also too much use of power.

By putting forward your cases and debating all the reasons both positive and negative, the child feels included in the final decision.

Sometimes being a coach can involve simply putting forward your knowledge about a matter that is under discussion.  For example, if a child talks about smoking, it is a chance to simply state your views on smoking backed by some facts. Such coaching can happen incidentally. It does not challenge any thing particularly it merely outlines your knowledge and beliefs about a matter under discussion.

 Such subtle coaching is an excellent way to get your message across about a range of matters.

When working with children it was often a time for the child to set goals after deciding what they would want to work on. A helpful mechanism was to suggest that they set a goal with a timeline and a plan to check in afterwards. This came from coaching them in areas in which they wanted to improve.

“So it seems to me that you are planning to work on improving your writing. How about setting a time in which you would like to achieve that goal?”

Notice here that expectations are not placed on the child, rather the child sets the plan with your guidance. No pressure attached.

Coaching is about assisting a child to make decisions guided comfortably by your knowledge and experience. It is not intrusive. It allows the child to think for themselves but with responsible guidance.