Going back to school. What will it mean?

Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.

The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.

What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?

What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.

• Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.

• It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.

• If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.

“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.

• Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.

• Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.

• Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.

• Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.

• If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.

• Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.

• Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.

 We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”

— Epictetus

Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

Negative thoughts can get us down and drown us with worry

Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:

You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

I am a poor parent.

          I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.

          I really try but they don’t listen.

Why are they so nasty?

I don’t like their personality.

So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.

I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability.  You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.

My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.

• Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.

• He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.

• Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.

• Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.

• Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.

• Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.

• When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?

• Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.

• When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.

• Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

• When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.

• Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.

There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.

“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”

— R.L Knost

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

Sometimes we are caught on the hop. Have you ever experienced the pressure of children asking an important question and not having the where-with-all to answer? At the moment with so much anxiety around the community, it would be quite normal for a child to ask questions around what is happening at the moment.

Here a series of responses that you may find helpful when answering questions by your child that are really about their security and emotional safety in these difficult times.

These are sentence starters that you may find useful.

12 sentence starters to help answer your child's questions about Coronavirus

• That’s a good question. The virus will make people sick and we take precautions to keep ourselves feeling well.

• Remember that even though we hear some sad stories that can make us frightened, I am here for you and will keep you safe. That’s my job.

• Once we know more about how to treat the virus, we will be able to help people quickly.

• We can help by listening to what the Government wants us to do. They are advised by experienced doctors.

• Yes, everything seems to shut down and it all seems quieter. That is a good sign as we are saying “no” to the virus which spreads when we are too close.

• Being a little scared is normal as this is something new and we are all learning about it. I am here to learn with you.

• I can hear that you are anxious about the virus. Let’s sit down and talk about all the great things that are making us starting to control the virus.

• I love the way you read the signs on the door of the shops. You are being so responsible.

• Mummy and daddy are here for you and will give some guidance on how to be safe.

• When you have any strong feelings just let me know and together, we can work on them.

• I sometimes feel sad about the virus too. We can feel sad together and talk about how we will get on top of it.

• We have to be a distance from people. At home we are family and can be close.

Keep in mind that children are focussed on the present, so the day to day situations are more prevalent in their mind rather than the future.

Be prepared for some questions and when answering give some reassurance and hope.

Smiling and maintaining a happy disposition make such a difference to a child who relies on you feeling secure. Your disposition and careful answering of questions will have a big impact on reducing stress.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— goodparentingbrighterchildren

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human

Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!

It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.

A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.

When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.

By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.

When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.

“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”

By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.

It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.

Consider the following thoughts:

• A child deserves the truth.

• Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.

• If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?

• You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.

• Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.

• By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.

The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.

You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.

“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”

— Howard G Hendricks. parentii.com

Teaching children about themselves.

Growing up can be a difficult business for all of us. It is also about finding out who you are and where you have come from on so many levels.

Children begin their development of self-awareness from birth and in little ways they begin to slowly develop a sense of themselves through their interactions and relationships with family and other significant people in their life.

Most definitely school is a time for testing themselves against others and for building a sense of who they are in the eyes of others. Most important is their development of liking themselves and clearly identifying with their specific world.

Parents are critical in helping a child understand themselves. As a  parent, it is important to ensure that your child knows that you love them. Also giving them clear understandings of where they come from and their family story is critical, as they develop a secure place in their mind of who they are and where they fit into family and society.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop a sense of themselves in the world. Such personal development is ongoing and with increased emotional maturity, a child begins to understand themselves more deeply. What is most important is that they grow to like themselves.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop self awareness.

• Always be truthful about the past. Sometimes it can be hard to hear but a child has a right to understand from where they came and who were instrumental people in their life.

• Tell stories about the family. Perhaps there are funny situations that occurred when you were a child. Children love to store these stories in their memory and overtime they become special family memories.

• Talking about how you grew up and the differences in today’s world is also helpful.  Here you discuss the differences on a generational basis. It helps the child put themselves in a context.

• When subjects come up such as Anzac Day, do you have family stories to tell? Cultural traditions are important to talk about in families.

• When giving your child an affirming message, ensure that you talk more about the quality observed in your child.

“I was so impressed when you helped your brother cross the street. You have a generous streak in you”.

Here you are reminding them of their generosity which highlights a quality of the child.

You are also building up images of what you see in the child. This helps them develop an image of themselves. This is all about building up their identity.

• Write little notes to them from time to time highlighting noticeable qualities that you have observed.

• If you have precious family heirlooms use these objects as a chance to talk about family history. Old family photos are a great resource here.

As a parent, you have a privileged role in guiding your child into self awareness. There will come a time when the child takes ownership of who they are, but until then, be the gentle hand leading your child into a world where they feel valued, loved and confident. So much of this comes from your mature reassurance.

Teach your child to recognise their strengths

Do you have any idea of all your strengths and unique capabilities?  My guess is that you have a reasonably broad understanding and are quite comfortable with some of your qualities but we all can be a little frayed at the edges when it comes to announcing our significant strengths. This is the same with children.  Often a child’s slowly evolving self-confidence can give them doubts about their capabilities.

It is, therefore, necessary to articulate them loud and clear to your child. The sooner they recognise in themselves their strengths, the sooner they begin to use them to their natural advantage regularly. Once recognised and reinforced over and over again, the greater chance they retain it.

One obvious area in which most parents talk to their children about strengths is sport. Perhaps they are excellent runners or skilled in swimming. Sport is an area where parents feel very comfortable in supporting and recognising in detail their children’s strengths. This is often supported by the coaching teams etc. Sport is a comfortable and easy area in which to discuss a child’s strengths.

What we are not so good at is articulating emotional strengths or general life strengths.  We often neglect to recognise them as capabilities that need to be acknowledged. For example, perhaps your child is very compassionate to others. Perhaps they are quick to resolve crisis amongst other children. Notice for example, how effective your child is at calming someone who is unwell. They may be exceptional listeners. Is your child displaying a lot of self-discipline? Perhaps they are to be congratulated for their organisational skills.

All of the above is about developing important life skills. By recognising them and talking to your child about them as strengths, the child comes to identify them as valuable tools to use in life. It also adds to their happiness level, as they start to feel good about themselves doing good in different ways.

“I notice that you are such a tidy person. You like order and this is one of your great gifts”.

The child now knows that being tidy is recognised as a strength and should be valued. Before articulating this, the child may just see tidiness as a habit.

You can start affirming and articulating these strengths from an early age.

“I love the way you play with other children. You are so fair and share all the time.”

What a positive strength it is to develop fairness and compassion at an early age.

As a parent consider these tips following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

In working with children, I was always conscious to remind myself of the gifts and strengths of the child with whom I was working. They may have been great sportspeople, or noted for their great sense of humour. It was my goal to keep their strengths in mind when talking to them. Sometimes I could use their strengths to reinforce our conversation together. Teachers would frequently acknowledge children’s strengths in the classroom. The more they reinforced their strengths, the deeper the awareness grew for the child. It is all about developing automatic responses in using strengths throughout life.

As a parent consider the following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

• At mealtime talk about strengths that you have noticed in your child that day. Sometimes just writing a note to them and leaving it in their bedroom is a wonderful spontaneous reminder.

“What a gentle person you are. Today I saw how caring you were to your sister.”

• When having drive time together, talk to your child about how you admire their strengths. List them. Remind them of special strengths that are noticeable in your child.

• Discuss people that your child knows, who visibly demonstrate their strengths. What do they like about them?

• If there are two parents living in the family home, talking about your partners’ strengths and what attracted you to them is an excellent way to discuss the impact of such things in life.

This article is primarily reminding us that we need to specifically talk about our child’s strengths. Naming and labelling these strengths help to condition the child into recognising them as important valuable life skills they are progressively developing throughout their childhood.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise and capable beings. Only then can we play along in their world.”

— VinceGowman.com

Having a healthy attachment to your child

From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

• Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.

• Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it?  Being proactive is important.

• Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.

• You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.

• Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.

• When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.

• Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right.  Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill

Watch the long explanations.

Ever wondered what your time span is for listening to others? I imagine it would vary subject to the person, fatigue and interest in the topic. The point is that as we talk to people, the longer the sentence and overall conversation, the greater the propensity for our attention span to drop off. Now think about our children. They are not yet as well developed as adults in concentration and the younger the child, the more limited they are in hearing everything you have to say.

Also, it is well known that if your child is anxious or feels distracted, the likelihood of them hearing all of what you had to say will deteriorate very quickly. If there is an important message you wish to give a child, especially a pre-schooler, it is worth asking them to repeat it back so that you understand if they took in the key message.

Also, our tone of voice can impact on how much a child hears and processes. The more aggressive we sound, the more the child will shut down and only hear the hostility.

It is also true that if we give long explanations to a child, no matter how informative the information, they will process in chunks of information and they may not get the full impact of what you are saying. In fact, it is possible that if the explanation is very long, they can chunk concepts together which make their understanding completely incorrect. Teachers are very aware of how children process information.

Here we learn that when we want to give an explanation to a child, we should consider their age, attention span, wellness, timing and interest in concentrating at the time. If a child has plenty of distractions around them, they will not find it easy to concentrate on the explanation.

I recommend that you choose your time wisely. Then consider what is the actual information that you want to give your child and construct your sentences clearly, keeping them short. The more you add to your explanations, the more complicated the processing for the child. Also, with longer explanations, opinions, attitudes values etc. creep into what you are saying which can cloud the real purpose of the conversation.

In working with children, despite having considerable experience in this field, I would still regularly check myself and reflect on what I wanted to say. It was important to be succinct and clear. Using vocabulary that suited the age of the child was most important. When I gave long explanations to children, it was not uncommon that they would return with the words, “I don’t know what …. means?” This was a clear message to me that they had lost the content of what I was saying.

Consider the following as tools to help talk to children in ways that will engage them and give you the best response.

• Think before you speak. Is it important at that time to discuss the matter? Can it wait for a time where the child will be more receptive? Are you adequately prepared to give the best explanation?

• Choose words carefully and if discussing an important matter use vocabulary that is simple and direct.

• Short, sharp sentences are the best to get your message across to the child.

• Wait for a response rather that charging in quickly again. Children need that time to process what you have said. A little silence in between talking is quite acceptable.

• Have a positive tone to your voice that is not loud or sharp. Children only hear the aggravation and not the words.

• Always acknowledge their listening.

“Thanks for listening today. Now we can get on with dinner.”

• If uncertain that a child has understood what you had to say, gently ask them to repeat what you said, do this in a positive way encouraging the child.

“Can you just tell me again what I said?”

• When you wait for a response, be positive as negative body language can shut down the child’s response and limit their comprehension of what you had to say.

This article is all about getting the best from our conversations and not building up frustration when we think they are not listening. Perhaps they are not really listening and so we need to examine how we deliver the message to the child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Teaching the child about discrimination.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child? Quite simply we should be starting at an early age as there are so many examples of discrimination in the life of a child. Some are subtle, some more blatant.

How does one tackle this immense topic with a child?

A great sadness for me as school principal was to see how prejudice and discrimination could so easily creep into the life of a child. It was ever present through media, television, poor modelling from families and extended networks. It was often subtle but children learnt quickly to align themselves to groups and cultures that felt comfortable, seemed similar and made them welcome. Such alignment sometimes led to reduced understanding and tolerance of difference. It quickly shut down interest in other viewpoints.

Now having said that I can assure families that the best way to strengthen children’s understandings of the complex world is to expose them to as much as possible. For example, if you do not have aged family, grandparents etc, in the life of the child, align yourself with older people. Children enjoy their company and come to value and appreciate the aged.

If your child has little understanding of disability, perhaps watch the Paralympics or talk to neighbours with disability. Here we again remind our children that aligning with difference makes us richer.

There are many examples I could state about bringing your child to the table to understand and value the differences in society. Starting at an early age is the key. You may have a favourite charity in which the family contributes, talk about why this charity is so important to you.

Schools frequently take on projects to raise the awareness of social differences, especially social disability and if the family keeps up the dialogue at home and capitalises on opportunities to engage with social difference, they are encouraging their child to develop a broad appreciation of life.

Of course, everything we say and do as parents can potentially demonstrate bias. It’s unavoidable at times. However, we can take care to watch how we talk about groups that are different or challenging. If the child hears that you are open to differences and respect the variance in society, they are more receptive to not taking on bias themselves. They are also more inclined to talk to you about such matters.

A few tips in this important area.

• Talk positively about differences in our society.

• Always tell your child that whilst I feel this way towards an issue, there are other perspectives that could be considered.

• Watch programs together that cover important areas of discrimination.

• In a child’s friendship group there will be children of various races, attitudes, social status etc. Embrace the differences that your child brings home. Learn from the acceptance your child shows towards matters of discrimination.

• Be an opportunist. When you see a chance to engage with someone or something different, include your child.

• Demonstrate to your child that discriminating in any form limits a person’s capacity to understand the bigger world. Of course, I will have my opinion on certain matters but I welcome the opportunity to listen to others. Here you teach your child to open their thinking to a bigger world.

 This article is about keeping the pilot light on for your child to explore, respect and value differences in our world. The danger comes when they choose to undervalue matters of discrimination with little knowledge. Our objective as parents is to ignite a desire in our children to learn about all that is different. May they come to it with compassion and understanding.

“No one is born hating another person, be of their colour of his skin or his background or his religion. People must learn to hate and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”

— Nelson Mandela.

Helping children when testing is happening at school.

Who likes being evaluated? Not many from my understanding of human nature. Yet we regularly do this to children in schools across all their school life.

In teaching, regular testing is considered necessary to further guide their teaching in quality and in targeting the specific needs of your children. This is a valid reason but for some children, the fear of regular assessment at school can have an impact on their sense of self-worth.

It can also lower their interest in school and make them question their capacity to be successful.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider the following tips to help ease their worries.

If your child is inclined to feel anxious about testing, consider these tips to help ease their worries.

•  Make an appointment to talk to the teacher about the purpose of testing. This helps them understand why it might be important as a teaching tool. It is about transferring the need for testing onto the teacher who needs this information to guide her in her work. It also alerts the teacher to the child’s anxieties.

• Discuss how you approached testing at school and what best helped you cope.

• Talk about how a test helps you learn what you need to know.

  “In this test, you got some spelling words incorrect. Great!  Now we know which words to work on.”

• Some parents like to talk about tests as time to look for your growth curves.

“Well done. What growth curve do you need to take after that test?”

There are some excellent children’s books on the theme of coping with some failure. Most school libraries have them in stock.

•  Talk about how successful a child is because they did the test! The result is just to guide further teaching and learning.

• Do not focus on the detail of the test, especially the numeric results. For example, talking about the results, seven out of ten is not as important as talking about what the child will work on from the test.

• Talk about famous people who learnt from many trial and error experiments. Teachers will often talk to the class about how well-known sportspeople, scientists etc. all exposed themselves to testing their performance.

Ultimately tests can be a time for some children to increase their anxiety. Normal range anxiety is acceptable and can often drive better performance. However, should a child develop unacceptable levels of anxiety this must be addressed with the school and home working together. Without collective understanding and support, it can lead to absolute refusal of being assessed.

There is no escaping the rigours of life which do come with assessments of all kinds. Here we are building a child’s understanding of the value of testing and how it leads to further growth. It is all about measuring how far they have come and not what is not yet learnt. It is all about celebrating success to date and the effort put into the process of learning and growing.

“Life will test you but remember, when you walk up a mountain, your legs get stronger.”

— Sunshine

The value of putting structure into a child’s life

We all love some routine in our life. This gives us predictability and reassurance. We grow familiar with routine and we can rely on its regularity. Having said this, I would be the first to say introduce variety and flexibility into a child’s life. They need to create and explore outside the routine of everyday life. Being creative, stretching the imagination takes them into new territories of growth on so many levels. They also start to value being a risk-taker.

So, I have said it, providing variability is important for a child’s growth. This article is now a little in defence of routine and structure.

Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

In a child’s life, they need periods to be calm and stable. They need predictability and this certainly comes with putting in place some suitable structures and boundaries. When a child’s world is turned upside down through, for example, family crisis the first thing they often crave is routines and boundaries. They are comforting and reassuring.

At the beginning of each school term, children love being back in the predictability of classroom routine. Here they can evaluate themselves and measure success more easily. There is a comfortable familiarity and measurability about the classroom.

In working with children who were having some anxiety issues, it was common practice to keep the environment in which we chatted consistent. It was also important that I maintained my usual predictable tones and worked in a familiar way with the child. These structures acted as a safe and predictable boundary in which to engage. The minute I stepped out of these boundaries, the child would become confused and struggle in responding to me comfortably.

Here are a few thoughts on putting boundaries and structures in place.

• Ensure the boundary is realistic and that the child understands the purpose of the boundary.

• Set up weekly routines at home with regard to basic issues such as homework routines, reading in bed, eating between meals etc. These can be discussed regularly with the family and renegotiated where necessary.

• Where possible invite your child into setting up routines for themselves. It is always much more likely to be successful if it comes from the child.

“What time do you think is reasonable for bed? Let’s discuss the jobs you have to do before bed to work out bedtime.”

• Discuss some routines you have set up for yourself. Talk about why the routine helps you in different ways.

• Talk about the structures that are set up in the classroom. This is an excellent way of talking about the value of structures.

“So, your teacher lets you eat snacks ten minutes before the bell. Why does she do this?”

• Pets are an excellent opportunity for a child to develop important structures that impact on a pet’s quality of life.

• If you are planning a holiday discuss with your child some structural issues that need to be considered.

“We are going camping soon, let’s make a list of important aspects of the trip that need to be considered.”

• Setting boundaries, establishing routines ensures that in the life of the child they are familiar with predictable parts of their life.  They can rely on knowing what will happen under certain conditions. The trick is to find a balance between providing structure and allowing the child to creatively explore the great unknown.

Too much controlling structure will stifle a child just as too much open-ended scenarios provides insecurity for the child. Learn how to provide the balance and choose occasions to allow both systems to thrive.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then is not an act, but a habit.”

— Aristotle  

What’s in the words you use?

The power of words has such an impact on our children. Think about words used by your family when you were a child. Perhaps they were reinforcing or rather damaging. Either way, words are powerful tools in influencing our self-image. How we express ourselves reveals a lot about who we are to others and especially to our children.

This does not mean that parents should be wordsmiths but it does suggest that what we say to our children and how we deliver the message needs to be thought through carefully. Consider these two statements.

How are you delivering messages to your children?

“Clean the table it is full of leftover dishes.”

“I would appreciate you cleaning the table as it will make such a difference.”

or perhaps,

“I love a clean table. Thanks for your help. Let’s clean it up.”

 Ultimately the goal here is to clean the table but how we express it requires clear messages to your child and highlights your mood, temperament and how you desire to engage with the child.

Also consider the choice of words.

“That is a stupid thing to do.”

or,

“Doing that has caused some problems.”

When talking to children, they will always look for intent and seek clarity in what you say. Given that they seek approval from you they need to have conversations with you that are not destructive or display irrationality. Of course, when you need to discuss and deal with unacceptable behaviour, you will need to speak to them with assurity and firmness but I recommend the following.

• Say what you need to say and no more. Sometimes in our anxiety to deal with the matter other issues are brought into the conversation which can blur the whole purpose of the conversation.

• If you think that you will not handle the conversation well, then delay the timing of the discussion. Better to use effective language later rather than use poor language when unsettled.

• Remember that when a child is anxious, they often do not hear or process the whole conversation. Use gentle words that are listenable and clear to the child.

“I want to talk to you about the broken glass on the floor. It seems that you knocked over the vase when you were running. Do you remember our discussion about running around the room?”

• Take care not to use language such as stupid, dumb, silly. Often the child focuses on these words which cloud their feelings of self-worth when you are talking to them.

• On a positive note, when you affirm a child use language that is recognisable and valued by the child. Use familiar, comforting words in which they can identify.

“I am so impressed with your efforts. Well done.”

• Keep sentences short and sharp when wanting to deliver messages and take care not to change the tone of your conversation along the way.

• The words we use and how we phrase our words dictates to many people how we interpret the world. Your child sees you as a major model in their life and will mimic your style as they get older. It was quite common to see in class, children who sound so much like their parents. Never underestimate how your language influences your child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.                    ”

— Peggy O’Mara

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

Asking for help and questioning is a good thing to do.

As an adult do you find it natural to ask for help? Do you find asking questions difficult?

Often, we excuse ourselves and treat it as a natural process to ask for help. We are not embarrassed or feel awkward.  Of course, you can feel uncomfortable about asking for help. Generally as we get older we show more maturity about asking questions. It seems a normal response.

Children need to acquire the skill of asking for help and questioning. If they acquire this skill from an early age it becomes a natural way of operating and is understood to be the best and the most natural response when you don’t know the answer to any situation. I refer to its acquisition as a skill, so that we understand the very real value in simply asking questions and seeking help.

Some children, especially those that worry about making mistakes, can be reticent to ask for help. After all, does it suggest failure and a recognition to those around you that you do not know the answer?

What will people think of me?

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning.

One of the most contemporary methods of teaching is the Inquiry Approach which is based totally around asking questions. In fact, the bigger the question, the better scope to learn. This tells us that asking questions is recognised as an important way of learning and living from day to day.

If you have a child reticent to ask questions and seeking help when needed, the following suggestions may help encourage them to see the value in questioning.

• Talk to your child about how you like to ask questions to get more information. Highlight the time that seeking help solved your problem.

“Thank goodness I asked for directions on that trip. We would never have arrived on time without some assistance.”

“I asked your teacher how I could help you with homework and she gave me some excellent ideas. Without her help I would never know what to do.”

• Talk about famous people who ask many questions to get their work complete. Scientists, doctors etc. are all professions that rely on gathering more information through questioning to help with their work.

• When a child talks about a problem, list some questions that they could ask to get the problem solved.

“You seem unsure about that homework. Let’s think about some questions to get help from the teacher. For example:

1.    When do you hand the homework to the teacher?

2.    What part of the homework is the most difficult?

3.    Is it better to spread the homework over several days?

4.    Do you need more time to do this work?

5.     Which part of the homework is the easiest?

• Bringing questions into play is all about breaking down the anxiety about the problem. Ensuring that it is all manageable. Questioning and seeking help also is seen as a legitimate way of moving from not knowing to being informed.

When working with children who were reticent to ask questions or generally seek help in the classroom, we would turn it into a game. I would ask a question about a set problem and they would respond. Then it was their turn to ask a question about the problem. We would calculate who could ask the most questions about the problem we set down and who gained the most information.

Also affirming the child when they asked questions or seek help spontaneously is always a great tool used in the classroom. Try it at home.

“Well done, that question was a great one.”

“I am so glad you asked me to help you.”

“I like that question. It has got me thinking.”

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning in which the child feels comfortable and invites others into their process of thinking. We feel less anxious and personally vulnerable when we seek help and question. Both a natural way of life.

“The art of proposing a question must be held of higher value than solving it.”

— George Cantor