How does the punishment fit the crime?

In our tricky world, appropriate consequences for poor behaviour, are hard to resolve. Given the intense time we are placed in with our children there will be occasions when we need to correct their behaviour. We need incredible tolerance and understanding under the circumstances, even though we are under so much personal pressure.

When we live in a confined space together and have to create our own new world, this will come with unusual tensions which do not demand a familiar response. What is normal in these situations? There is no familiar formula.

I would be recommending not considering punishment to fit the crime, but rather reflecting on how the child is coping with the tensions and how best to respond. Consider the following suggestions in talking to your child when their behaviour is out of control and your ability to manage the situation is at a low.

“I am upset that this has happened. How can we best deal with it?”

“I find that things are difficult at the moment, please find a solution to help me get on top of this problem.”

“I am angry that this has happened and I am finding it difficult, what can we do to solve this problem?”

“My ability to handle this situation is not great at the moment we will deal with it later.”

All these responses are about acknowledging behavioural problems, not overreacting, yet demonstrating a need to talk it through and resolve the matter. It gives you the personal space to take away the anger and think about how to respond in a fair and reasonable way at a later date.

Quick aggressive responses do require a fair bit of comeback and can-do considerable damage to fragile relationships.

Whilst I appreciate that through active listening and understanding the problem, there may still need to be consequences. I am however, advising that in a confined situation for a prolonged time it will require both parties to have tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences. We are in a new norm and this is taking its toll on everyone. It requires us as parents to think differently in managing our children.  Abiding by “old thinking” will not be the answer for supporting children in this unique situation. Tolerance, understanding, forgiveness, turning a blind eye, etc. are helpful tools in moving forward in some situations.

The parent needs to show intuition, wisdom and discernment in finding solutions to inappropriate behaviour often driven by extremely different circumstances for all parties. This is where you, the parent take ownership of managing the situation well.

“You have to think a little smarter, be proactive not reactive.”

— Frank Abagnale

In these stressful times, we need tolerance and shift expectations in terms of consequences.

When is Success really Success?

Just about every time I would argue! All of us need to hear that we can achieve and that we have capabilities in varied and different ways. Sometimes this can be in simple matters. Sometimes it can be in more detailed and complicated ways. What is the key is the importance of hearing from others that you have simply done well? Your efforts are noted.

Success breeds success. A child needs to feel that they can achieve and that others most especially the parents, recognise this fact.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina.

Saying often: “Well done” goes a long way in the mind of a child. It says you know what you are doing. You have been successful. The likelihood of repeating success is higher once the child hears that they can achieve. Never under estimate the value of a simple, “well done”.

Teachers are very skilled at building in what I call “success busters” in their day. They are careful to ensure that all children receive a balanced dose of success busters across the day. They notice the difference when a child feels less inclined to contribute, feeling that they are not valued. It becomes an automatic tool to teachers who know by experience that you catch more people with honey than sour words.

“Thanks for cleaning up the paint. You did it so quickly”

“You have put so much effort into your work. Well Done”

“How clever you are when it comes to reading stories out loud. You read with so much expression.”

Notice that the more you mention the specifics of why they have been successful, the more legitimate the affirmation. It shows that you really notice what has made them so successful in your eyes.

Words are powerful tools in building a child’s stamina and giving them emotional reassurance that they have something valuable to offer.

In supporting a child by using careful targeted, reassuring language the following actually occurs:

• The child hears the words and finds satisfaction in the public announcement made to them and to others in earshot.

• The child feeds off such reassurance and is more likely to respond with confidence.

• The child is more likely to respond in positive ways to others. This is teaching them about thinking and acting positively. It is about teaching them by example that they are aware of people’s efforts.

In essence this article reminds us that building success comes from reassuring words and affirmation. It builds strong emotional foundations which are well needed when the negative and vulnerable times can become overpowering from time to time.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

— Author unknown. Kids activities.net

Who wants to be the perfect parent?

That can be quite exhausting and as you already know I’m sure your children will ask many questions about all sorts of matters. Once the questioning starts it can be overwhelming and having all the answers can be difficult. Here’s the good news. You don’t have to be perfect! In fact, not knowing all the answers is an advantage.

The natural curiosity of children is quite special and I understand that as a parent we want to ensure that they are given as much information as possible. We want to encourage their curiosity and stimulate their thinking.

Of course, they will seek you out at a young age as the source of all knowledge which is wonderful!. They will trust your judgement and believe that what you tell them is the truth. This holds you in a very privileged position. In their eyes, you are the bearer of all truth and knowledge. Now how does that make you feel? Well at least responsible for treating their inquiries with respect and being honest in your answers.

This article is about supporting the questions asked by your children with truth and with honesty. This is the case when you especially do not know the answer.

It is best to be open and suggest that together you will find out about their concern.

“Thanks for asking me about how birds fly. That is a big question and let’s look up the information together’.

Here you are teaching your child that making an inquiry is acceptable and that there are ways of finding out the information together.

This is a much better response than creating an answer without validity.

Do you feel you have to be on hand answering every question perfectly?

If your child is asking questions about values and morality this is a whole separate field which involves personal views and opinions. There is information to learn but also given the value-laden nature of such questions, you can declare your opinions in a proper manner.

“I can see you are interested in understanding more about birth control. Let’s find out the different ways of managing it.”

Here you can offer your opinion. When you offer your opinions take care not to enforce your beliefs. They are more likely to be understood and accepted if you talk about them openly and without emotion. Remember, you are modelling how to learn about information so that bias and prejudice do not appear in the conversations. A child will listen with more interest and intent if your interpretation is fair and reasonable.

“Here is the information on capital punishment. Some people are very opposed to this as I am and If you like I can give you my reasons”.

Here you invite the child to hear your opinions. This has more impact especially on teaching the child about taking a balanced approach to some issues.

The beauty of sharing information together also teaches the child that you are a learner and have an inquiring approach to finding out answers. You are not threatened by new knowledge and are prepared to look at all sides of the issue.

Here are a few thoughts on helping your child with questions.

• Be quick to look up the information together. If you are busy suggest saying:

“I don’t know the answer but later when I have time, we can look it up on the internet.”

• Follow through with all questions. Sometimes only simple responses are necessary, especially with younger children. Longer explanations can sometimes get lost in their little minds.

• To keep them still asking you the questions talk about how you like to find out facts and share some new insights you have learnt with your child.

Questioning is such a natural part of growing up. The more a child feels secure in asking you questions, the more they will come to you with their queries no matter how controversial. The more you present an open mind to learning new information, the more your child understands that asking questions is a natural way to learn.

“Life is an unanswered question but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question.”

— Tennessee Williams

The changing nature of families

Just when you think everything in your family is sitting cosily, along comes change. Yes, it is true. The nature of families continues to evolve and change, as you and the children experience normal life experiences and the children start to grow. It was common at school for parents to ask how can their beautiful, innocent child that demonstrated sweetness and light suddenly become difficult and present such unattractive behaviour.

Young parents sending their first child to school were always being surprised at the changes their child was making in their first year. Suddenly the child’s exposure to so many other influences loomed loud in their life.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within.

As a family there are certain factors that drive a healthy life across all the age periods that the child and family will experience. Nothing remains constant. Families will experience changes for a variety of reasons that will influence your child’s response. For example, you may go back to work after being at home for some time. A crisis, perhaps a death or illness can have a big impact on how a family operates and how emotionally they feel. As a family there could be crisis which has major changes in the life of everyone. Schools can change, teachers can move schools suddenly, destabilising your child’s feeling of being secure. A child being ill can impact on their emotional response to situations, a new arrival appears in the family and so the list goes on.

What we are saying here is that there are several consistently sound factors that healthy families can live with comfortably, which incorporates and accepts change. Of course, a major feature of late is the adjustments we are all making with Covid 19 in our life. Let’s look at some stable aspects to a family that will help us weather the storm as our family evolves over the years.

The first thought is to accept that change is inevitable and that you welcome the change and various aspects of growth that you notice in your child. This may mean accepting some differences that challenge you as well.

As a family talk about open communication and how you welcome talking about changing ideas, beliefs and values that your child is coming across. Let them know that you respect their growth which will come with the introduction of challenging thoughts and values.

Children become quite sensitive about their friends. Welcome all types into your home. This reassures your child that you value their opinion. You may have some concerns but there are ways and means of having discussions later that do not put judgement on their choices.

As a family try different things across the years. More of the same has its value but if a child wants to try a different sport, activity etc. have ago with them in testing difference.

Compliment them on their growing awareness of life. Sometimes children become anxious to express a different opinion in the house. Welcome and invite different opinions with your children. This leads to healthy, open discussion. Merely enforcing your values only limits the conversation. It certainly doesn’t mean that they will adopt your values in the longer term.

If and when something of a major nature occurs in the family, be open and honest with your child. Of course, providing age appropriate information is necessary. However, the child needs to feel included when the family is in crisis and needs to have an honest understanding of what has happened to change their lives.

It is important for a child to feel that their opinion matters. When they discuss new topics, which can cause you to have some concerns, be authentic in your response and genuinely interested in what they have to say. Open, honest discussion means that children will trust the importance of parents around them with their inner most thoughts. They feel safe sharing with trusting parents that listen respectfully.

It is valuable from time to time to talk as a family about what drives all of you. In this way, children have reinforced ideas about what makes their family tick. They accept and enjoy its uniqueness.

In working with children, I was impressed with the emotional maturity of children who felt comfortable in open and honest discussions with their parents. They would choose them as the first port of call when they had a problem. They also had no reservation in talking about unsettling topics given that they knew parents would be receptive to their discussion and value their thoughts.

Finally, families are a living, breathing organism that needs regular emotional nourishment from within. The family continues to be nourished by healthy discussion and the ability of all members, no matter what age to feel valued and credible as part of the group.

“To improve is to change,
to be perfect is to change often.”

— Winston Churchill

Talk about the best of your child, not the worst

Language and how we use it can be a tricky process.  It can the vehicle for success in building relationships as well as being a destructive tool when used inappropriately. We often say one thing but mean another. Children are very quick to pick up on the negative of anything we say about them. Sometimes we refer to them in conversation casually and we may be subtly mentioning their inadequacies in some way, yet unaware of the damage caused.

It is amazing how in a school setting a child will quickly pick up on any aspect of a teacher’s conversation that referred to them or especially to their poor performance. They are quick to personalise statements that we make as they seek out our support and most importantly look for how much they are valued in your eyes.

How we talk about our children matters.

It was quite common for a child who felt devalued to literally down tools and not perform or react through poor behaviour. It sometimes took considerable time to establish what was the problem and it often came down to some personal statement made by the teacher which they interpreted for themselves as negative.

We have the ear and heart of our children. We are very visible to them and they are very sensitised to how and what we say especially when it affects them.

This article suggests a few ideas on how to talk about the best of your child wherever possible.

• If you have nothing positive to say at the time say nothing. Silence is golden when you are not sure about what to say. It causes no harm and gives you time to rethink the situation.

• Notice the little things that you can comment on throughout the day:

“Well done. You know how to set a table.”

“Great effort starting your homework”.

“Bravo for cleaning the table so well.”

“You are fast at picking up the Lego blocks.”

              “I always like your smile it makes me feel good.”

• Notice that these quick conversations are small ego boosters and meant to keep up the reassurance to your child that they are valued and achieve well in your eyes.

• If you need to talk about other matters such as poor behaviour etc. remember to end on a positive note.

“I’m sorry that you shouted at your brother. You are usually such a gentle person.”

• Note that you are reminding the child that you look for the positive aspect of the child but recognise that they make mistakes which must be addressed.

• When talking to others and referring to your child build in some positive talk.

“John would love to play with your friend. He is really good with younger children.”

• Talking about the best of your child brings out the best in your child. They enjoy hearing you talk about what you enjoy about them and the more public you are, the more you give voice to their valued character.

• When a child needs discipline and behaviour is unacceptable, this is a time for effective active listening to establish what has led to the behaviour. This should be followed with some consequences through negotiation and discussion. It should, however, end with giving your child those words of reassurance that highlight how much you value them and trust in their character.

Talking about the best in your child intermittently is building the foundation blocks of strong relationship and reassurance for the child. If you are inclined to be less verbal about positive things you notice in your child, this could be a good time to start verbalising positive aspects of your child. It will be a door opener to a better relationship.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

A check in now that school is back

Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.

However, let’s consider a few facts.  Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.

Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19

• Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.

• Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.

• Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed?  Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?

• Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?

• Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.

• Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.

• Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.

• Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.

• Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.

• The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.

What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.

As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.

Are you very opiniated in your views?

You may well ask what has this to do with rearing our children? Stop and think for a minute with regard to how you express your opinions. Children will pick up quickly if you have and demonstrate strong, loud opinions with little room for negotiation. Some people have a tendency to be quite vocal and passionate about their beliefs and opinions. It is easier to express yourself that way in the comfort of your home where you have no adult audience to listen to or an audience to respond too. We often behave more loosely in the comfort and security of our home where we feel more secure.

Children who have parents with strong opinions that are easily expressed will often respond by simply being quiet.

Whilst I appreciate that this is an environment to be yourself and express your opinions, I invite you to think about the set of little ears listening to your reactive behaviour to issues. Children who have parents with strong opinions that are easily expressed will often respond by simply being quiet. This is a protective means of not getting caught up in cross fire and not challenging what appears to be a strong force in the house. A child learns early to keep their opinions and beliefs to themselves. This is a form of self-protection. The question I pose here is do we want our children to feel they can offer opinions that have value and can be considered in the family discussions?

Children who appear confused about this will go directly to other sources to express their opinion or seek advice which is not reactionary to what they have to say.

When working with children in the school setting, children would often comment on how more satisfying it was to talk to their friends about matters, as parents were too strong in their opinions. They enjoyed feeling heard and felt some empowerment in others listening and approving of their beliefs. They believed that when they didn’t understand something, they felt more comforted to talk to friends rather than getting the full entourage of opinion and attitude from parents. This is often the case as the child approaches adolescence and seeks to have a voice of their own.

This article is simply to remind us that being too strong in how we express ourselves can encourage our children to shy away from talking to us about important matters.

They deserve to have their opinions heard, as well. Being loud and expressive does not always suggest that opinions are correct. A child learns this as they get older.

A child’s level of maturity will dictate how they interpret matters, but our job as parents is to understand their opinions and offer advice with an appreciation of their right to develop opinions. They are more inclined to keep approaching their parents if they feel they have a valued voice that will be understood and heard.

“Thank you for your thoughts on that matter. It sounds like you have given it some thought.”

A child will always want to go to the source of formative opinions, their parents, but the source must be one that listens and understands that a child’s growing awareness needs guidance, appreciation and support.

“Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice.”

— Steve Jobs

Going back to school. What will it mean?

Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.

The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.

What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?

What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.

• Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.

• It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.

• If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.

“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”

• Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.

• Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.

• Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.

• Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.

• Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.

• If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.

• Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.

• Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.

 We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.

“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”

— Epictetus

Timing is everything

How often do we get the timing right or wrong with our children?

It is amazing how dealing with issues at the right time can make such a difference with children. Also, with adults being approached when you are in the better frame of mood is more likely to be successful for all concerned.

Children are also prone to having better times and less suitable times in which to discuss important matters. Often we mistake a no response for meaning they don’t know or care. This can be completely missing the mark.

We all know that bedtime which is a quieter period is a great time for one on one talks.

Do you feel like your child is not listening to you?

Sometimes in the rush of the day and in the moment, when we want solutions or answers, we press our children for a response. Sometimes this is not forthcoming and can result in frustration all around. The beauty of choosing the most effective time means that you are more inclined to be successful in getting the best response. Think about yourself for a moment. When you are feeling unwell or your mind is on important matters, you show less interest in being responsive to other people’s questions and requests. In fact, we can become quite irritable at the demand that is put on us at that time. Similarly, children have the same response.

Here are some tips on how to use timing to your advantage:

• Consider how tired the child is at that time. Tired children listen with less interest.

• Is your child well enough to give you the response you want?

• When asking an important question reflect on how much input there is around for the child. Are they focussed on other matters perhaps watching their favourite television show etc? A preoccupied child is not a great listener.

• Choose times when the child is relaxed and not too focussed. Some parents find asking questions while driving children in the car is an excellent time to get a response.

• When seeking out some information, phrase your question in simple terms without emotion. If you are feeling quite emotive about the matter in hand this is not the right time to get the best response.

• Ask questions when you are feeling ready. If you are busy and loaded with emotional agendas this is not the best time for a child to give you what you need. A child is quick to pick up your pace and will give you a safe response.

• Happy times is also a good time to step into the realm of questioning. If a child feels relaxed and happy, they are more responsive in their talk and feel less vulnerable.

• If your child is feeling pressured over different matters this is not the best time to talk about extra issues, they can wait. A mentally overloaded child will simply shut down or demonstrate poor behaviour when it all gets too much.

• When considering when to ask tricky questions, ensure that you have built a positive framework or platform with your child. This may mean affirming them and acknowledging their contributions when you talk about matters.

• If the environment around you is noisy and busy consider the suitability of the timing. Everyone including children and adults do not respond well with too much environmental noise and disruption.

• If you ask an important question and you get a negative response just remind yourself that for some reason your child is not ready to respond. Perhaps say:

“It seems not the right time to talk about that at the moment. I will chat with you later.” This also gives the child some preparation in thinking about their response.

• If you have several issues to talk about with your child only try talking about one issue first. Children process information quite differently using a different pace. Overloading questions all at once will give you no satisfaction with the response you receive.

• Remember not to become too frustrated when you choose a time and it doesn’t work out. We are not mind readers and sometimes a child just needs some space and we need to respect that fact.

In working with children at school, timing was everything. You certainly knew when you had failed by the look and response of the child. It was necessary to respect all the various influences that came into the daily life of the child and measure the best time to engage in important conversation.

It is also worth thinking through what and how you want to ask your child questions. Planning when to talk to them is all about using effective timing to suit both you and the child.

Have you thought about designing a family Mission Statement?

This can be a great family activity and one which highlights all the gifts and treasures that you have as a family. Children are often very aware of developing mission statements as teachers often design one for their classroom at the commencement of each school year. It is more than a set of rules to work around, it is also about the values inherent in the class.

Basically, it is about writing down all the things that you know and value about your family. It is about what makes your family a unique group. It outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

All parties in the family take an active role in selecting aspects of family life that are special and familiar to you. It is a wonderful activity to do as a whole family and encourages everyone to reflect on what constitutes you as a unique family unit. Take time to work on this project. This lends itself to much discussion, reflection and negotiation.

Your Mission Statement could read something like this:

A family mission statement outlines the values that you as a family want to live by and that you all recognise as important and unique to you as a family unit.

• In our family, we love eating together and talking about our day.

• In our family, we enjoy playing together in the yard across the week.

•  As a family, we are open about our problems and listen to each other with understanding.

• As a family, we value each member as being important.

• As a family, we love to laugh together often.

• As a family, we value being active and enjoy the outdoors.

Notice that your Mission Statement will be all about the uniqueness of your family. You could call it a charter by which you desire to live.

Children love discussing what is important to them and invite your children to write this all down and when it is finished put it on the fridge for occasional reference. 

Given the isolation we are all experiencing at the moment, now is an excellent time to deepen your thinking on how your family operates. What are the strengths you have noticed over the past few weeks?

Mission Statements can be updated and altered to suit the changing nature of a growing family. In a school setting whilst a Mission Statement was constant in the room for the year, it was not uncommon to discuss how it could be improved, areas in which the class needed to improve and possible areas to develop. It is a great tool to simply discuss the shifting status of your family.

Children love that it is a constant, reliable component of the family values and something to live up to. It also encourages them to understand that families are all different and each has their own way of operating and connecting. It teaches them to reflect on honouring their family values and gives them a sense of pride and purpose.

Of course, by nature of being a child, mistakes happen. The Mission Statement gives you a vehicle to remind each other about what you value. It provides boundaries and acts as a positive incentive for all. When you refer to it always talk about the positive aspects that make it unique to yourselves. It is a proud family statement about who you are.

It is not a weapon in which to be disappointed in children when they let you down. It is simply a set of values that we work towards in a positive and happy way. It is a wonderful statement of family and the special dynamics that operate in that unit. Make it fun and engaging for all in putting it together. Make it enjoyable, easy to understand and above all attainable.

“The job of the mission statement is to articulate the essence of why the organisation exists.”

— Sam Frank

Negative thoughts can get us down and drown us with worry

Have you ever felt overcome by negative feelings about a range of issues? In this case, I am referring to your child. Often it is the poor behaviour that you see and want to disassociate with as quickly as possible. In fact, when we see such behaviour, we can have all sorts of related feelings such as:

You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

I am a poor parent.

          I don’t discipline enough. I should be harder.

          I really try but they don’t listen.

Why are they so nasty?

I don’t like their personality.

So many feelings come up to the surface and can easily cause us to lose sight of what we are actually dealing with and that is a child.

I have heard parents say to me when things seemed gloomy that they felt like dissociating with their child. And of course, felt guilty because of these feelings. Oh, what an unsettled web we weave in our head when a series of bad behaviour seems to be all-consuming. I would say that it can become all-consuming and you become highly sensitive and on guard to what is the next challenge to your emotional stability.  You almost wait for the next entourage of poor behaviour which keeps making you so unhappy.

My first thought is to remind yourself that too many negative thoughts just continue to feed off each other and the problem has by nature of your anxiety increased existentially. To help you put things into perspective, reflect on the following thoughts that come from many years of seeing children grow through their problems developing into well rounded young adults.

• Keep in mind that the behaviour will pass. It is only a moment in time in the life of your child.

• He or she is, after all, a child and this is a testing time to express themselves.

• Accept that you will not like some of their behaviour but that is acceptable. It is natural to reject poor behaviour. It is natural to want to address the problem.

• Take space. When you feel overwhelmed just take a walk. This can be a short moment away from the situation or a planned extended time to have a break from the issues that are becoming too hard to manage.

• Remember that they are children’s problems and that is normal.

• Don’t compare your child’s behaviour to others. This only builds resentment and further negative feelings.

• When feelings are overwhelming and negative remind yourself how much you love that child. Think about happy times together. Could you live without them?

• Try to be less affected when poor behaviour occurs. Take deep breaths and keep in mind that it will pass. You will not be having this problem in a year or two. Everything changes so quickly with children.

• When you have a negative thought about your child look at some photos of your child which remind you of the beauty and sweetness of that child. They are a magnificent individual that will grow into a wonderful young adult.

• Remind yourself that poor behaviour is exactly that. It is often driven by other factors and it not about the person of the child. You love the child, you dislike the behaviour. Keep it separate in your thoughts.

• When you have negative feelings work harder to have happy times with your child. Keep up the cuddles, laughter and family activities.

• Shorten activities and have some fun together. Short sharp bursts of fun together are very healing.

• Talk to your child’s teacher about the wonderful things they have noticed about your child. Often this can be an eye-opener to parents.

There is nothing going for focussing on negative thoughts. They only inhibit your ability to move on and work through issues calmly and reasonably. The more we fill our head with negative feelings with regard to our children, the further we distance ourselves from developing a rich relationship. Every child deserves that with or without bad behaviour attached.

“We are imperfect humans growing imperfect humans in a world and that’s perfectly okay.”

— R.L Knost

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Education is the key to explaining and teaching our children why so much in the way of rules and regulations have come into being in the last week. There is no escaping the importance of giving your child correct information that is age appropriate.

However, there is one important aspect which I believe is also important to highlight to your child. The reason of such rigid confinement is driven by love. It is about the humanity of our society wanting to keep us safe and to reduce illness. There is no inhumane thinking to let the disease run its course through society. What better motives can a society have than to look after each other.

If a child feels that the purpose behind such restrictions is drawn from a caring perspective, they are less inclined to feel the anxiety and stress of the isolation. Therefore, we need to teach our children the following points which will help them understand the motives for the government’s actions.

Our society wants us safe and healthy. The restrictions give us every opportunity to look after each other by keeping a distance.

New measures are put in place as the scientist look at the data and decide what extra restrictions will help us. Therefore, as the situation changes, it is all based on sound scientific information.

If we follow directions, we will speed up the healing process and limit the spread of the disease. Isn’t it wonderful that through our care, we can make such a difference to people’s health?

The restrictions need to change as the situation changes. Our parents look to the news to know what is next to do. They are not reading the news to feel more anxiety, but rather be responsible in responding. They are being responsible adults in learning how to act on the latest update.

Helping our children to understand the motives for the government’s actions during COVID-19.

The news can seem intense and a cause to worry. How lucky we are to have the availability of hearing our response to the virus. Are we getting better or do we need more restrictions? Let’s be a help.

I will be home for some unusual amount of time. I will need to think about how I can entertain myself. In that time, as a family we will work it out.

My parents may seem worried but often this is because they are conscious to do the right thing for society and our family.

Isn’t it wonderful that we are all pulling together as a team to look after each other. Everyone is in it together. No person is given an exemption not to care!

All these thoughts are attempting to teach our children that the restrictions are put in place to support our community’s health, look after the more vulnerable and reduce fatalities. Their motives are for the good of society and our world is a better place for the care.

Giving children a sense of hope is so necessary throughout this entire shifting process. Talk to them about positive results. Discuss how scientists are working on a vaccine.

Tell good will stories of how people are looking after the elderly. Let them know that when we pull together as a society the world is a better and a safer place.

When in years to come our children look back on what will prove to be a recorded stressful time for us all, they will have positive images of how we rose above it by goodwill and communal care.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibilities on their shoulders.”

— Abigail Van Burren

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

Sometimes we are caught on the hop. Have you ever experienced the pressure of children asking an important question and not having the where-with-all to answer? At the moment with so much anxiety around the community, it would be quite normal for a child to ask questions around what is happening at the moment.

Here a series of responses that you may find helpful when answering questions by your child that are really about their security and emotional safety in these difficult times.

These are sentence starters that you may find useful.

12 sentence starters to help answer your child's questions about Coronavirus

• That’s a good question. The virus will make people sick and we take precautions to keep ourselves feeling well.

• Remember that even though we hear some sad stories that can make us frightened, I am here for you and will keep you safe. That’s my job.

• Once we know more about how to treat the virus, we will be able to help people quickly.

• We can help by listening to what the Government wants us to do. They are advised by experienced doctors.

• Yes, everything seems to shut down and it all seems quieter. That is a good sign as we are saying “no” to the virus which spreads when we are too close.

• Being a little scared is normal as this is something new and we are all learning about it. I am here to learn with you.

• I can hear that you are anxious about the virus. Let’s sit down and talk about all the great things that are making us starting to control the virus.

• I love the way you read the signs on the door of the shops. You are being so responsible.

• Mummy and daddy are here for you and will give some guidance on how to be safe.

• When you have any strong feelings just let me know and together, we can work on them.

• I sometimes feel sad about the virus too. We can feel sad together and talk about how we will get on top of it.

• We have to be a distance from people. At home we are family and can be close.

Keep in mind that children are focussed on the present, so the day to day situations are more prevalent in their mind rather than the future.

Be prepared for some questions and when answering give some reassurance and hope.

Smiling and maintaining a happy disposition make such a difference to a child who relies on you feeling secure. Your disposition and careful answering of questions will have a big impact on reducing stress.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”

— goodparentingbrighterchildren

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

At the moment we see and feel so much fear in the community. It is quite impossible that our children are exempt from feeling the overall anxiety in the air. Also, if your children are in supermarkets, they see the emptiness on shelves and see the anxiety on people’s faces as we all struggle to interpret the great loss and the feeling of deprivation. It is quite a grief for all to see such emptiness.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

Children will retain such information and even possibly think about those empty shelves later. It doesn’t take much for their fear to rise when they see the adults in their life, feeling the pain. So, what to do?

• Let’s simply be positive around our children. Tell them that all the precautions are for the good of society. How lucky we are to live in a society where we can arrange things to get better. We have many smart people in our world helping with this situation.

• Let them know how clever people in our Government have put in restrictions to stop the problem from spreading and that is a positive. This is not a time to be politically commenting on politicians. It is about teaching our children that we are all pulling together.

• Let them know that the sooner we stop big gatherings, the sooner we can return to them safely but we must be patient.

• Given that you may have more family time together be optimistic and plan doing more activities in the house. Is there some project you can work on together?

• Of course, games, puzzles, reading etc. are wonderful entertainers. How about setting up a drawing corner. Suggest they draw happy activities that they like to do.

• Sing together. This is a great fun way to work through the situation. How about working out a rap song that is all about washing your hands well. Perhaps you can write songs that are all about finding safe ways to be during the difficult times.

• This is a great time to revive the backyard. How often can you go out together and play?

• Talk about the wonderful skill of our professionals such as doctors, immunologists, etc. who are working on the major problem of coronavirus. Imagine that in a few months they will have controlled the spread!

• Talk about how wonderful it is that every country in the world is acting positively to stop the problem. This is global action at work.

• Avoid exposing your children to conversations that highlight the negative and focus on the anxiety. Incidental chats can be quite damaging.

• On the other hand, incidental chats about how you noticed people being helpful etc, provides ongoing reassurance.

• Talk about the people you know who show clever ways to cope during this time.

• Given that there is a prolonged wait where children will not be active through their sports activities etc, ensure that as a family you are actively engaged. Bike rides and scooters in the park, ball games and picnics in grassy spots could be fun to do as a family. The more active, the better mental health for the whole family.

• Cook together. This is a great time for children to indulge themselves in baking at home.

• Listen to music and dance together.  Music is such a positive influence on everyone feeling better.

• Watch some feel-good movies as a family. This is always a comforting time for children.

• Avoid having television or radio on that is talking about the coronavirus. Young children only pick up on the negativism and do not grasp the whole content of the conversation. They would certainly feel the negative tone of the conversation.

• The focus is on being busy and keeping positive. This will reduce the child’s worry that all is doom and gloom. For the child, an important factor is their parent’s feeling of being secure. This is not a time for uptight parents who focus on too much control.

The children will rely on your positivism to reassure them that in the end, all will be well.

What you want them to remember after it is over is not the fear but rather the great initiatives taken to solve the problem both at home and on the global stage. That is what should linger in their minds.

Being positive is not about denying the truth. It is, in fact, teaching your child that every situation can be seen from many angles. It is giving your child skills in managing anxiety for themselves.

Who knows by building more optimism in the family, it lingers longer and becomes a family trait?

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

— William James

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

With social media and the general community talk that happens across all aspects of society, it is very difficult to control the information that your child receives around such matters as Coronavirus.

This is an occasion to teach our children about how to process difficult situations that can raise the anxiety very quickly, especially when a large part of society is involved.

Explaining Coronavirus to our children

Let’s look at how we can use this occasion to help our child manage anxiety that can be disproportionate at times.

•      Education is the key to everything. No matter how old your child, giving them clear information that is age appropriate is the first and best key to managing this situation. Education gets us all out of jail.

•      I appreciate that the information may not be what we want to hear but if you explain how the virus works, best ways to prevent it from spreading and discuss how various people in authority are managing it, this all helps to build up a picture of security for the child.

•      keep your child gently informed about it by having responsible family discussions from time to time. If your child is at school, it is important to debrief regularly to ensure that they are not hearing misleading information from others. This is all about controlling unnecessary fear that can escalate if not managed well. Always keep in mind that educating your child through this crisis makes them feel reassured and safe. After all the truth sets us free.

•      when you hear some positive feedback about how it is being managed, ensure that this is under discussion with your child. It is important to keep that element of hope and reassurance in the conversation especially around such an unsettling topic.

•      if your child is at school, keep well informed about how the school is discussing the virus. The information you give your child should not contradict what the school is saying to the children.

•      keep your child in safe hands. By that I mean regularly monitor who your child is associating with as they may be in a situation where the talk and anxiety is quite high.

•      take care to control the media information that the child is exposed to through television. Unfortunately, media will sensationalise situations and highlight the fear prevalent in society. Your child’s best way to manage this is by gradually giving them updated accurate information that suits their age group.

•      as a family not to talk loosely about what is a happening as the child is quick to pick up incidentals that feed into irrational fear. Allow them to ask questions and to feel that their questions are real and relevant. If they ask questions freely this helps them express underlying fears.

•      at this important time, modelling a calm steady parental approach that is honest with the child is the best. Be happy to keep them informed and offering reassurance when there are some positive outcomes to report.

By teaching them to approach such disturbing matters in a rational, emotionally mature way will reassure your child that the world is a controllable space and my parents strongly support my desire to know the truth.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human

Never underestimate what you teach your child when you apologise!

It demonstrates that you are human, not invincible and that as a parent you make mistakes. It highlights to your child that you are honest and that you believe in the value of honesty.

A child looks lovingly to their parents, implicitly trusting them. They are not interested in whether you are a perfect being. In fact, no one is and therefore is it best to show your child how human you are from time to time. Showing them that we are all working on improving ourselves and this means acknowledging mistakes is an excellent direction to give a child.

When you make a mistake that effects your child, a simple apology lets them know that at times you need to correct yourself and that this is an admirable quality. Sometimes in our anxiousness to show the best face, we can avoid the truth to look consistent and strong. Actually, the child easily senses that they are not given the truth and can get confused and be given the wrong message. That message is about always maintaining a strong face and never letting your guard down.

By modelling this behaviour to your child, you are encouraging them to look in control at all cost and never lose face. It is much better to show them that the human condition means from time to time mistakes will be made and saying sorry is a way of reconciling with another person to set everything right again. It is also teaching them that to be strong is to recognise in yourself your vulnerabilities. Such vulnerabilities are part of the human condition and if as a parent you show that you are comfortable in talking about such vulnerabilities, they actually become strengths.

When apologising be explicit. Explain what behaviour led you to make that mistake.

“I am sorry that I forgot to attend your concert at school. I was so busy at work that I lost a sense of time.”

By showing your child that you were careless takes the sting away from the issue and gives both of you a chance to talk it through. What is also important here is to discuss ways to help you remember next time when the concert will be held.

Apologizing teaches your child so much about being human.

It is also teaching your child about empathy. Yes, I made a mistake it affected you and that made you unhappy. I am sorry.

Consider the following thoughts:

• A child deserves the truth.

• Being honest about mistakes breaks no trust and puts your relationship with your child in a safe, secure place.

• If a parent struggles in being honest and saying sorry, are they anxious about holding onto power? How long can they keep this going?

• You are teaching your child how to work through their problems when they make mistakes.

• Be genuine. If you say sorry ensure it is talked through with your child. Give them good eye contact.

• By being open in this way, it reduces tension in a relationship. A child comes to expect nothing less than the truth.

The more we cover up when mistakes are made, the greater burden it is to keep up the pressure.

You cannot fool your child. They look for honesty and expect the truth. All they want is a loving, open relationship.

“Children aren’t looking for perfect parents, they are looking for honest parents.”

— Howard G Hendricks. parentii.com

Teaching children about themselves.

Growing up can be a difficult business for all of us. It is also about finding out who you are and where you have come from on so many levels.

Children begin their development of self-awareness from birth and in little ways they begin to slowly develop a sense of themselves through their interactions and relationships with family and other significant people in their life.

Most definitely school is a time for testing themselves against others and for building a sense of who they are in the eyes of others. Most important is their development of liking themselves and clearly identifying with their specific world.

Parents are critical in helping a child understand themselves. As a  parent, it is important to ensure that your child knows that you love them. Also giving them clear understandings of where they come from and their family story is critical, as they develop a secure place in their mind of who they are and where they fit into family and society.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop a sense of themselves in the world. Such personal development is ongoing and with increased emotional maturity, a child begins to understand themselves more deeply. What is most important is that they grow to like themselves.

Here are some suggestions to give guidance to your child as they begin to develop self awareness.

• Always be truthful about the past. Sometimes it can be hard to hear but a child has a right to understand from where they came and who were instrumental people in their life.

• Tell stories about the family. Perhaps there are funny situations that occurred when you were a child. Children love to store these stories in their memory and overtime they become special family memories.

• Talking about how you grew up and the differences in today’s world is also helpful.  Here you discuss the differences on a generational basis. It helps the child put themselves in a context.

• When subjects come up such as Anzac Day, do you have family stories to tell? Cultural traditions are important to talk about in families.

• When giving your child an affirming message, ensure that you talk more about the quality observed in your child.

“I was so impressed when you helped your brother cross the street. You have a generous streak in you”.

Here you are reminding them of their generosity which highlights a quality of the child.

You are also building up images of what you see in the child. This helps them develop an image of themselves. This is all about building up their identity.

• Write little notes to them from time to time highlighting noticeable qualities that you have observed.

• If you have precious family heirlooms use these objects as a chance to talk about family history. Old family photos are a great resource here.

As a parent, you have a privileged role in guiding your child into self awareness. There will come a time when the child takes ownership of who they are, but until then, be the gentle hand leading your child into a world where they feel valued, loved and confident. So much of this comes from your mature reassurance.

Teach your child to recognise their strengths

Do you have any idea of all your strengths and unique capabilities?  My guess is that you have a reasonably broad understanding and are quite comfortable with some of your qualities but we all can be a little frayed at the edges when it comes to announcing our significant strengths. This is the same with children.  Often a child’s slowly evolving self-confidence can give them doubts about their capabilities.

It is, therefore, necessary to articulate them loud and clear to your child. The sooner they recognise in themselves their strengths, the sooner they begin to use them to their natural advantage regularly. Once recognised and reinforced over and over again, the greater chance they retain it.

One obvious area in which most parents talk to their children about strengths is sport. Perhaps they are excellent runners or skilled in swimming. Sport is an area where parents feel very comfortable in supporting and recognising in detail their children’s strengths. This is often supported by the coaching teams etc. Sport is a comfortable and easy area in which to discuss a child’s strengths.

What we are not so good at is articulating emotional strengths or general life strengths.  We often neglect to recognise them as capabilities that need to be acknowledged. For example, perhaps your child is very compassionate to others. Perhaps they are quick to resolve crisis amongst other children. Notice for example, how effective your child is at calming someone who is unwell. They may be exceptional listeners. Is your child displaying a lot of self-discipline? Perhaps they are to be congratulated for their organisational skills.

All of the above is about developing important life skills. By recognising them and talking to your child about them as strengths, the child comes to identify them as valuable tools to use in life. It also adds to their happiness level, as they start to feel good about themselves doing good in different ways.

“I notice that you are such a tidy person. You like order and this is one of your great gifts”.

The child now knows that being tidy is recognised as a strength and should be valued. Before articulating this, the child may just see tidiness as a habit.

You can start affirming and articulating these strengths from an early age.

“I love the way you play with other children. You are so fair and share all the time.”

What a positive strength it is to develop fairness and compassion at an early age.

As a parent consider these tips following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

In working with children, I was always conscious to remind myself of the gifts and strengths of the child with whom I was working. They may have been great sportspeople, or noted for their great sense of humour. It was my goal to keep their strengths in mind when talking to them. Sometimes I could use their strengths to reinforce our conversation together. Teachers would frequently acknowledge children’s strengths in the classroom. The more they reinforced their strengths, the deeper the awareness grew for the child. It is all about developing automatic responses in using strengths throughout life.

As a parent consider the following tips in ensuring frequent reference to your child’s strengths.

• At mealtime talk about strengths that you have noticed in your child that day. Sometimes just writing a note to them and leaving it in their bedroom is a wonderful spontaneous reminder.

“What a gentle person you are. Today I saw how caring you were to your sister.”

• When having drive time together, talk to your child about how you admire their strengths. List them. Remind them of special strengths that are noticeable in your child.

• Discuss people that your child knows, who visibly demonstrate their strengths. What do they like about them?

• If there are two parents living in the family home, talking about your partners’ strengths and what attracted you to them is an excellent way to discuss the impact of such things in life.

This article is primarily reminding us that we need to specifically talk about our child’s strengths. Naming and labelling these strengths help to condition the child into recognising them as important valuable life skills they are progressively developing throughout their childhood.

“Education begins the moment we see children as innately wise and capable beings. Only then can we play along in their world.”

— VinceGowman.com

Having a healthy attachment to your child

From the moment of conception we are working toward bonding with our child. As a parent and grandparent, attachment continues all your life with your close family and intimate friends. Of course it goes through various changes as relationships mature and change. This article is to remind us that attachment with our child is all about beginning the preparation to let them go. We attach and bond to begin their journey leading to the ultimate development of their own person. This is sometimes hard for parents to understand. There is a myth that a good parent is present and active in the life of their child always. This is not the case!

Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that you trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence.

Bonding with your child should at all times be healthy for both you and the child. Once a child is at school, it is very evident to teachers that the child is formally beginning their journey to independence. They are warmly and securely attached to their parents who start the process of little by little, giving them independence. This is all about walking with the child and not carrying them, especially when the road gets a little rough. It is about being around and available and listening to their cries, but not solving their fears and resolving their issues.

Healthy attachment is when the child knows that they can rely on your deep presence, but that you allow them to make mistakes. You are there to console and discuss, but give them the credibility to work on solutions. Attachment is about changing the way you work with your growing child. As they demand more independence, you gently nudge them into having a go, taking on risk and you are there to console and celebrate the success and failures. You are there to hear the sadness, empathetically understand the disappointment and encourage them to keep on with their endeavours.

A parent well attached to their child, knows instinctively when to back off, come in for extra support and to have stronger presence when needed. It is also about attaching in an emotionally mature way, knowing when and how, to step in and out of situations in which the child finds themselves.

Here are some tips on being the parent that attaches to their child enabling them to free themselves from the heavy cocoon where we then see the beautiful butterfly emerge . You are the branch on which such a cocoon rests. Here it gains nourishment along its journey to new life.

• Remember that physical contact such as regular cuddles, affirming words at bedtime are healthy to remind the child that you love them.

• Read the signs with your child. If they are becoming unsettled. Are there things you can put in place to help them resolve it?  Being proactive is important.

• Have you set up home to have quiet times together. This helps to remind them of how strongly you care about them.

• You can always affirm from a distance . This means that if you here of good things happening at school talk about them. Perhaps you do not need to be present on all occasions. It is good to know that you care from a distance as well.

• Unhealthy attachment is when a parent smothers the child and demands a strong presence in most aspects of their life. This can take on quite a bit of control. Show your child that you do not need to have a presence on all occasions as you trust their capabilities. You simply let them know that you look forward to hearing all about their exploits.

• When parents display unhealthy attachments, the child often gives up seeking independence and thinking for themselves. Remind your child that you love hearing stories of how they showed independence. This encourages the child to act independently.

• Check in with yourself occasionally to make sure you have the balance right.  Sometimes the busy weeks can be all about control and management. Have you recently given your child some scope in that busy week to express themself?

There is nothing more liberating for a growing child as when their parents give them time with friends alone, or walk to school etc. Giving your child opportunities to show signs of independence is telling them that your trust them and still want to be part of their exciting journey to independence. You show excitement when you see them take such steps. This is all about maintaining healthy attachment, sharing in the voyage to independence and celebrating the shifting dynamics in your maturing relationship.

“The way we treat our children directly impacts on what they believe about themselves.”

— Ariadne Brill

Watch the long explanations.

Ever wondered what your time span is for listening to others? I imagine it would vary subject to the person, fatigue and interest in the topic. The point is that as we talk to people, the longer the sentence and overall conversation, the greater the propensity for our attention span to drop off. Now think about our children. They are not yet as well developed as adults in concentration and the younger the child, the more limited they are in hearing everything you have to say.

Also, it is well known that if your child is anxious or feels distracted, the likelihood of them hearing all of what you had to say will deteriorate very quickly. If there is an important message you wish to give a child, especially a pre-schooler, it is worth asking them to repeat it back so that you understand if they took in the key message.

Also, our tone of voice can impact on how much a child hears and processes. The more aggressive we sound, the more the child will shut down and only hear the hostility.

It is also true that if we give long explanations to a child, no matter how informative the information, they will process in chunks of information and they may not get the full impact of what you are saying. In fact, it is possible that if the explanation is very long, they can chunk concepts together which make their understanding completely incorrect. Teachers are very aware of how children process information.

Here we learn that when we want to give an explanation to a child, we should consider their age, attention span, wellness, timing and interest in concentrating at the time. If a child has plenty of distractions around them, they will not find it easy to concentrate on the explanation.

I recommend that you choose your time wisely. Then consider what is the actual information that you want to give your child and construct your sentences clearly, keeping them short. The more you add to your explanations, the more complicated the processing for the child. Also, with longer explanations, opinions, attitudes values etc. creep into what you are saying which can cloud the real purpose of the conversation.

In working with children, despite having considerable experience in this field, I would still regularly check myself and reflect on what I wanted to say. It was important to be succinct and clear. Using vocabulary that suited the age of the child was most important. When I gave long explanations to children, it was not uncommon that they would return with the words, “I don’t know what …. means?” This was a clear message to me that they had lost the content of what I was saying.

Consider the following as tools to help talk to children in ways that will engage them and give you the best response.

• Think before you speak. Is it important at that time to discuss the matter? Can it wait for a time where the child will be more receptive? Are you adequately prepared to give the best explanation?

• Choose words carefully and if discussing an important matter use vocabulary that is simple and direct.

• Short, sharp sentences are the best to get your message across to the child.

• Wait for a response rather that charging in quickly again. Children need that time to process what you have said. A little silence in between talking is quite acceptable.

• Have a positive tone to your voice that is not loud or sharp. Children only hear the aggravation and not the words.

• Always acknowledge their listening.

“Thanks for listening today. Now we can get on with dinner.”

• If uncertain that a child has understood what you had to say, gently ask them to repeat what you said, do this in a positive way encouraging the child.

“Can you just tell me again what I said?”

• When you wait for a response, be positive as negative body language can shut down the child’s response and limit their comprehension of what you had to say.

This article is all about getting the best from our conversations and not building up frustration when we think they are not listening. Perhaps they are not really listening and so we need to examine how we deliver the message to the child.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara