As we enter the last phase of our summer holidays, I imagine there are many thoughts going through our minds about starting up again in 2022. What will this look like we wonder? How can I give hope and joy to my children when there is still so much around that is a cause of anxiety? Read on for some tips to consider. Gail Smith, Author, The Primary Years.
Read MoreHolidays give us such opportunities to enjoy our family in a whole new way. If we can reflect on what worked so well in our family, is it possible to bring some of that holiday feeling into your daily routine when life goes back to normal? Can we see that holiday experience as part of the way we really want to live all the time?
Read MoreIn today's world, we tend to worry and feel the stress of everything occurring around us. Children quickly pick up our emotional dispositions and this can induce their own form of worrying about us as a stable source of reliability. Read here for some thoughts that invite us to hold a positive, hopeful disposition that acts as a stable framework for our children. Gail Smith, The Primary Years.
Read MoreThis is a time of giving and there is so much advertising around the shops, television etc. that can cloud one’s thinking and destroy the balance of giving and receiving.
This is also a time to be teaching our children about the gift of generosity and the spirit of Christmas which is about giving of oneself generously.
Schools will be getting ready to close for the school year and will be farewelling their children, putting closure on their times together and reflecting on how this year has presented its challenges and opportunities. Certainly, a time for our own children to reflect on what they have learnt from yet another strange cycle of school life, lockdowns etc.
Despite all the ups and downs when we come around to Christmas it is an opportunity to demonstrate the value of giving, sharing and being inclusive in so many ways. In a strange way, having had such challenges personally this year, should teach our children the exceptional value of Christmas as it is all about simply coming together and connecting.
Consider the following thoughts that may help as we get closer to school closure and reflect on the message of Christmas.
Tap in with your child and ask how they are farewelling their class. Talk about being inclusive with parties and acknowledging everyone as Christmas is not “bah humbug” but about everyone.
Talk about Scrooge in the story of The Christmas Story. This character by nature of his mean attitude suffered loneliness as he was so self-centred and ended up lonely and isolated. This story just invites thoughts about those children in the class who are less included. The more we use opportunities to talk about inclusivity and wellbeing for all, the better we disperse the Christmas spirit. This year, particularly is a reminder about isolation and loneliness. Our children can now easily identify with that feeling after so much isolation in their own life.
Some families choose to connect to a well-recognised charity at Christmas time. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about the charities that do such good work at Christmas time.
Check in with your child’s teacher to see if there are any unresolved issues that need discussion or follow up. Given the unusually short school term, some children may need special closure on different aspects of school. Never underestimate it is the same for all children.
In talking with your child about the school year, tap in to any anxiety that may be there about starting a new grade in 2022. Less school contact hours in the previous year can make some children anxious about being successful. They may feel concerned about beginning again after such an interrupted year. This particularly applies to those children who worry about being correct all the time. Think about how change effects your child.
As news evolves about shifting patterns with the Covid pandemic, ensure that you inform your children well about the status quo. They need frequent, accurate information that is age appropriate and always tempered with a sense of hope. You are their best source of being well informed and feeling safe.
Let’s see the approach of school closure and Christmas as an opportunity for families to plan, rest, recovery and renew a sense of hope and faith in our world that needs stability, reassurance and joy for our children. Families are a key factor in giving our children hope for their future. Christmas is a perfect time for families to take stock and renew that gift of hope.
“For it is in giving that we receive.”
St Francis of Assisi
Best to always avoid tricky situations than to dive into them unprepared. The consequences can be long, overcomplicated and perhaps could have been avoided with some proactive actions. As busy parents, who wants to deal with extra problems and find themselves in more complicated situations than is necessary? Being proactive requires some thought to foresee what is likely to happen and where possible go around the problem or divert the situation. When you know your child and how they respond to certain situations you are in the best position to be proactive.
Being proactive also has many benefits in building stronger, healthier relationships with your child.
By avoiding the little problems, you are less likely to have to deal with issues escalating to a new level. One problem can easily triple in a short time.
Better parenting is all about planning well and recognising the signs that can change a happy situation into a disaster in a flash.
It is healthier to be in a positive state with your child than to be regularly dealing with behavioural issues that can require discipline etc. In the first instance, they could have been avoided.
To be proactive, a parent looks for the best way to deal with some issue before it actually happens. This requires knowing your child and choosing occasions and times that work best for you. It may mean redirecting plans, reducing hostile conversations, noticing less trouble and generally looking for the positive in situations.
Be alert. Tired parents and children are not a good combination for avoiding conflict.
Put some family strategies in place that are proactive. For example, if your child is always running to find their bag for school, get them to put it near the door the night before. It is all about seeing a potential occasion where it can escalate making everyone unhappy.
Affirming your child is also a very proactive activity. The more they feel valued in doing the right thing, the greater possibility out will be repeated.
Be clear in your directions and make sure that your child heard your instructions before reacting. Sometimes busy times with poor listening can quickly escalate into problems when real listening has not occurred.
Look at the setup of your home. Are there places around the house that encourage sound relationships or are there obstacles that can cause tension such as computers in family spaces? For example, are bikes, toys etc. put in safe places that are accessible but not interfering with movement? Take a walk around the house, are there places and spaces that can be improved where a child will not break precious items, etc. The environment in the house should suit the age of your family.
Speak optimistically. This always suggests that there is no threat in your voice and that you are in no way upset. A child listens to their parents’ voices to get a measure of how they are valued. They are more likely to respond well and less reactive if feeling reassured.
Above all recognise that being a proactive person reduces tension, avoids unnecessary confrontation, builds stronger relationships and models to a child that working in a positive framework is a much more powerful and effective way of living happily and peacefully.
‘Being positive won’t guarantee you’ll succeed.
But being negative will guarantee you won’t.
-Jon Gordon
We get very weary when we see the same unpleasant behaviour repeated in our children. It can be exasperating and our reaction can sometimes lead to further disapproving behaviour. So, the cycle goes on which further adds to frustration. When that happens, we need to put other strategies in place. Those strategies are all about getting the child to hear that such behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change. However, the change is for the right reasons and this is where your change comes into play as the parent.
Consider the following thoughts.
Can we really expect our child to change the behaviour if they don’t see that anything is wrong? Often when we correct them, they simply do not see that their behaviour is unacceptable. We sometimes mistake this as they are just not listening.
A child is more likely to change their behaviour if they understand that their actions have implications on you. After all it is you, the parent who is upset.
When a child sees that they are causing you some upset by their behaviour, they are more inclined to change it not because it is wrong but because it affects you.
‘I need to get to the car quickly to pick up your brother. The toys in the hallway are blocking me.’
Here you are inviting them to remove the toys not because the child is wrong but the presence in the hallway limits your access to the door.
‘I need your help in the kitchen as I have only a small time to read bed stories to your younger brother.’
Here it is about getting assistance to take the pressure of the bedtime stories.
The change for you, the parent is to remember to give the reasons why you need the behaviour to change. When you do this, the child feels more aware of your needs and sees their behaviour as interfering with your needs. Generally, they will be more sympathetic in changing their behaviour.
‘When you speak in a soft voice, my headache feels a little better.’
Children often do not register that their actions are considered poorly until it is pointed out how their actions interfere with another’s life.
Many teachers have mastered the art of working closely with children and reducing conflict in the classroom by building in sound explanations for actions taken.
‘Thanks for closing the door. The noise outside is a distraction.’
There are two main thoughts here in this article, Firstly, if you want to change behaviour you will need to think about the reason you want that behaviour changed. Secondly, you will need to build this reason into your request.
‘Please pick up your toys in the loungeroom. I don’t want to trip on them.’
Building into your words the reasons for changing behaviour gives the child an honest understanding of what is causing the problem for you. For them it may not be a problem at all.
‘Focus on the solution and not on the problem.’
-Jim Rohn
Fear. We have lived in a confined spaces for such a long time and have been listening with intent to all the changes, case loads of the pandemic and death consequences. It is now time to throw it all out. Too much focus on the negative is soul destroying. Time to throw it all out and focus on the things to look forward too. Pack up all the negative thoughts and strategically throw it out. Watch it fall into an abyss and walk away.
Did you arrange your house to suit the lockdown situation? Perhaps you rearranged furniture to accommodate the children’s learning. Consider your house arrangements. Maybe its time to brighten it up with a sense of Spring and readiness for simply getting on with life. How about some flowers each week to brighten the house and put in a sense of hope? Let’s see the house as a place to feel good and a sign of real change.
Are there old newspapers, articles etc. in the house that simply talk about the state of the pandemic? Discard immediately so that children will not casually read negative thoughts about the pandemic. Watch the current news as well as it can drag us back into reflecting on what we have just been through. Be selective about what the children watch.
When talking about the pandemic, talk positively about the high vaccine numbers and the great achievements we have made in managing the situation and developing a vaccine so quickly. Children need to feel reassured that their world is a hopeful place.
Did you develop any habits during lockdown that now need to be discarded? For example, I heard about afternoon drinks to ease the long days. Also how about eating habits that developed to cope with the depressing situation. Now is the time to throw out all that artificially satisfied you during lockdown. They were short term fixers that ultimately do not satisfy. Out they go!
Do you notice how you wore a certain uniform in lockdown? The same clothes, no variation and how much easier was it to look after yourself. Out the door goes that lack of personal care. Bring out the colour and variation in the wardrobe and don’t forget some glitter. It’s time to invigorate your true self.
Over lockdown our phone ran hot. We connected to people in order to keep mentally active and engaged with people. Now its time to reduce phone bills and actually visit people. Being physically present around people demands a lot more of us than a phone call in pyjamas at ten o’clock in the morning.
Now is the time to have a good mental clean out and refresh our thinking and inject hope into our future.
‘Stay positive. Better days are on their way.’
Despite the very hard nature of the lockdown and the limitations placed on ourselves and families, we can say that from adversity sometimes comes new thinking and helpful lessons for life. Here are some valuable gains that may have come from your lockdown experiences.
Feeling better about yourself
Have you noticed that there are some changes in yourself that have suited you very well and in fact nourished your wellbeing? Have these changes made you feel happy? Can you build those changes into your new post lockdown world? This will keep nourishing the spirit as you adjust to your new life, post lockdown.
The value of personal time
Did you find that you discovered some personal time? Did this personal space give you feelings of satisfaction? How can you keep some special time for yourself now that lockdown and our busy life returns? The more at peace you are, the greater feeling of stability for your child.
What have you learnt about yourself?
Did you learn something new about yourself during lockdown? Perhaps you found some creative aspect to your life that was enriching and life-giving. Can you find space in your life now to keep that precious gift alive and active in your reshaped world? When your child sees you grow, they are inspired for themselves.
The development of new family habits
Did you develop some wonderful habits or even rituals that you developed with your family? Is it possible to build them into your post lockdown world? Building family habits is reassuring and comforting to children as it is familiar.
What have you really learnt about your child?
As a family did you discover wonderful new aspects to your child. In quite uncomplicated times, there is much to discover about your child. Hold that thought and keep it in mind when busy and frustrating times creep into our life and dull our patience. It will help you better manage the difficult moments with your child.
The joy of keeping life simple
Did you discover that simple uncomplicated times can bring you much joy? Can you bring some of that uncomplication into your life now? This may mean some planned reconstruction as a family. Something may have to go!
Keep a record of what you want to cherish
Have you thought of writing down all the feelings and experiences that happened in lockdown that you cherished? Some of them may be precious moments with your child. Keeping a record gives you joy when you want to go back and reflect. It can also serve to remind you of what is possible in a simpler world.
Online learning and your connection to your child’s learning style
After all the home learning you probably now understand more about your child’s style of learning. Keeping up with reassuring them that you are interested and appreciate their learning, will give your child a greater sense of achievement, given your closer connection to their learning.
Keeping the connection strong and constant
The lockdown gave you a greater intimacy with your child. Can you build time for such intimacy, post lockdown? This may mean letting go of other things. Your child will certainly miss that strong connection post lockdown and will seek out that deeper relationship that they found comforting while at home.
The value of deeper listening
With more presence around your child during lockdown, did you notice how better you listened to your child with more interest, intent and less fatigue? Can you build in more personal listening time with your child in your post lockdown world? This will help them when they feel anxious about fitting into their new world.
I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.
It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.
Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.
Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.
Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.
Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.
Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times. Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.
Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.
Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.
This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.
‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’
- Joseph Cornell
You are probably creating some new ones during this lockdown. Family rituals are all about setting up special times or events that celebrate some aspect of your family life. They are a beneficial tool in building and strengthening families. They are an important foundational aspect of building family life. Activities become a ritual when the family practises regular times or occasions when they come together for that express purpose. After a while, it then becomes a tradition.
There are many forms of rituals and of course families develop their own traditions and celebrations that become embedded into your family life. If you are a family that practises a religion then you will be very familiar with ritual. For those families who develop their own style of ritual, it becomes an important aspect of your unique family life. It is a sacred statement present in your family.
Schools are very keen on the rituals that make them unique. A school will build into their calendar a series of events across the year which are unique to them. This gives them individuality and brings everyone together to celebrate what makes them special. A school motto will have in it words that symbolise what the school stands for. A school will take up opportunities to come together and celebrate who they are through their rituals which become traditions. School assemblies are always a time to sing the school song and national anthem, present awards etc. The regularity of such assemblies becomes a pattern that is important in school ritual.
Rituals can be as simple as ensuring that everyone eats together once a week at the family table. It can be about family patterns that everyone participates in such as having a regular games night or enjoying together a takeaway night. Celebrations such as Christmas are an excellent time for family ritual to be present and alive in families.
Children need and crave rituals in their life as they ground them to what is familiar and safe. Of course, no surprises that many teenagers begin to question family rituals, but what goes around comes around. As they mature, they begin to identify with what they held dear in their growing up days and they learn to build ritual into their own life.
Think about what makes your family unique and start talking about how regular time spent together doing something special is family ritual.
Think about:
The activities that you do together that are a regular item at home and valued by everyone.
Do you have some family habits that are worth developing? For example, is there a family night to watch movies?
Are you a family that exercises together regularly? This can become quite a serious and important part of the family dynamic.
Talk to the family about aspects of your life that are important to you. The more the child realises that there are aspects of their family that are precious and unique, they begin to see family as a safe and secure place.
In working with children, I always noticed that the more vulnerable children especially valued routine and familiar settings. They felt secure about the regularity of what happened in their classroom. They were conscious of the timetable, lunch hours, playtime etc. They could easily identify with what made them happy through routine and regular planning.
We all need ritual in our life and a family setting provides the climate to nurture rituals and celebrations that are uniquely owned by the members of that family.
Reflect on your family and the rituals that are present. Perhaps there are a few that with some teasing out can become very special to you as a family.
‘Ritual is important to us as human beings. It ties us to our traditions and our histories.’
Miller Williams
Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?
Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.
What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus
How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.
Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?
Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?
So, we are back working on line from home.
Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.
A few tips on helping with home schooling
8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times
“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.
Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.
Getting back to routine after lockdown
Back to school and living the new norm
Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown
Victor Borge said,
‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’
Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!
When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.
We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.
Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.
If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.
Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.
Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.
Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.
Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.
Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.
If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.
Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.
Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.
Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.
Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.
Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.
Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.
Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.
Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.
These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”
Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.
Does your child demonstrate from time to time?
Compassion for others.
Unselfishness and is able to share.
A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.
Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.
An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.
Shows patience in difficult situations.
Kindness to those around.
Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?
Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?
Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.
Reflects on activities that happen to them.
Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.
When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?
Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?
Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?
All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.
‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’
‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’
‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’
Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.
“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”
In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.
Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.
Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.
Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn. Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.
Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.
Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.
Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.
Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.
If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.
Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”
Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.
Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.
There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.
Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.
Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.
They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.
When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.
Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.
Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?
There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?
Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?
What resources do you use in planning?
When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.
When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.
Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.
A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.
“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’
-Josef Albers”
To some degree, this is all about ethics. It is about our ability to have beliefs and stick by them through our words and actions. Every day we are modelling our beliefs to our children. They are quick to observe how we live out those beliefs and especially if we are consistent with such beliefs… No pressure!
Their observations give them an insight into what we value and are prepared to live by. For example, if you have a particular faith that you live by, are you consistent in its practice? Do your causes play a big role in the life of the family or are they just personal causes that you live by? Either way, they will influence your child directly and indirectly.
For example, the environmental issues of the day have captured the minds and hearts of the youth. Do you live with a cause to being environmentally friendly? If so, are you living out your values and sharing them with your family? The agenda of environmental impact is a wonderful and current cause in which to work with your children.
This blog is simply to remind us that we are great influencers of our children who keenly watch what we value and how we demonstrate honesty and consistency to our causes. Little eyes are always watching and observing to see if our words and actions are aligned.
In a school setting, children are aware that causes are an important part of the world of teachers and the school community. They expect, nay, demand from their teacher’s, consistency in their actions and values. If their teacher is not consistent in their causes, such as the belief of working hard, being consistent and planning well, they lose respect and their interest in following that teacher’s directions falls away.
As a principal in working with children they knew that I had a strong cause to engage with them and listen. If my listening dropped off, so too did their interest in chatting about matters that affected them. I suddenly became much less credible in their eyes.
When we are honest to our cause, children no matter how negative they feel to our beliefs, respect our efforts in honouring what is important to us. When they see consistency and dedication to our mission, they are more inclined to respect our efforts even though at times we fail.
Your causes will influence your child directly and indirectly.
Consider:
Do you have causes that are visibly displayed and lived out at home? It is valuable articulating the causes that are important to you.
Do these causes have a big impact on how you parent?
Reflect on the message you are giving to your child about what and how you value that cause.
Our children need to see how ethical we are as parents. Do I clearly articulate to my child what is important to me?
As a family discuss the many and varied global causes that are in today’s world. This gives you a chance to talk about how passionate people become with important causes. Perhaps your child has a strong interest in some cause or is developing a passion that can blossom into a full-blown cause. This sets them on a mission to learn and do more.
If your child is demonstrating a strong interest in some cause, it is worth teasing that out and inviting your child to reflect on how to support and strengthen that developing purpose and passion. Be open to a different understanding that with each generation comes a new interpretation of what the world values.
Remember from little seeds big things grow.
“Tell me and I’ll forget. Teach me and I’ll learn.”
There is so much we are teaching our children, this is obvious. What we need to occasionally to reflect on is, the incidental things that occur that are noticed and internalised by our children. Keep in mind that we are all part of the great human condition and by this definition, we are not perfect! However, our children are very clever in picking up the incidentals and shifting moods in our behaviour. These are incidents and occasions where we may let our guard down. For some reason, our children are curious creatures when they see how imperfect we are.
I remember, as the school principal, there was a consistent way of operating and the values exposed were to be consistently displayed. Sometimes life is complicated and principals get compromised. Teachers are excellent at building strong, stable authentic relationships with their children, which generally involves a child excusing them when they slip up on occasions. In my experience, it was common for children who had strong relationships with their teachers, to be quite protective of their failures and misadventures.
As a parent, do our children notice our misdemeanours and are they watching to learn all the incidental behaviours they notice in us? The answer I fear is probably yes. They are always checking into see our legitimacy and how this affects them. Certainly, in working with children, it was clear they understood their parents very well.
Consider the following thoughts to help us live with this subtle pressure from our children:
What incidental things that occur are noticed and internalised by our children?
Accept and acknowledge with your child that you are not perfect. In fact, what is ‘perfect’?
Be natural in apologising when you think it necessary. Children really appreciate that you understand that you make mistakes just like them.
Be relaxed in talking to them and when putting down important rules etc. in the home, acknowledge that you just try your best at all times.
Talk about how you can sometimes get tired and let your guard down. This is natural and normal.
Have a laugh with your child when you find yourself not living up to your expectations. This is about showing your human side. We all make mistakes.
Be aware that small ears listen and love to learn more about you in discreet ways. This may mean compromising some feelings at time to give the right message to your child.
Watch the language you use around the child especially when talking about others. Much is revealed to a child when we express our opinions about others.
A child loves the parent who is easy to read and comfortable in how they express themselves. They enjoy the journey of learning more about their parents often through different unexpected experiences. This is often the test of being true to ourselves.
“A sensitive child sees the world through the lens of the child.”
I hear the debate is raging yet again about providing adequate sport in schools for children. Now I understand it is also about the schools offering defined skills in sport and giving children a real taste of engagement and a sense of feeling active through physical activity.
I understand that schools need to provide sport across the week. It offers children so much on so many physical and social levels. Some years ago, it was mandated by the government, the amount of time that must be given to sport across the week in schools. I can certainly see the reason and respect the concepts behind all of this. However, let’s be realistic. How much can teachers offer to children, given the heightened expectations that are already placed on them. Some teachers have a natural disposition to teach sport, are passionate about it and can teach very specific skills. Not all teachers have that skill and will work to the best of their ability to provide physical exercise and sporting activities but it is not their strength.
If we want to engage our children in sport, I think parents should engage their children in a sports activity that will offer them very specific skills in one area. The argument that rages at the moment is all about getting children involved, interested and passionate about being fitter and enjoying sport as a way of life. This is where parents should take responsibility and as a family engage in sport as a way of life. For example, join a football club, tennis club, swimming team etc. Find the sport that draws your child into it with enthusiasm and a developing drive to improve their performance.
Fabulous benefits of out of school sports
By engaging in organised out of school sport your child will:
Learn about the value of teams and how they influence the individual.
Understand how to improve their performance. They will come to recognise in themselves improvement through effort.
Value healthy competition. Supporting other team members is also a great skill in human compassion and empathy.
Understand cooperation and teamship.
Value the importance of being fit.
The list goes on and yes teachers will do their best in the limited time they have to raise the profile of sport for children. However, it will not be the same as children taking part in an organised and well-managed team sport. They will be mixing with like-minded children and enjoy their parent’s involvement. The conversations at home are enriched as you talk about the sporting experiences and joy of the challenge.
Of course, I caution that parents should research the sporting club and be satisfied that the values are what you want for your child. Once you join the club, you the parents will so gain from meeting like-minded parents.
Sport outside school is also about long term commitment. It requires regular attendance and loyalty to the sporting activities and events. It reduces a child’s downtime at home, which can often lead to reduced hours in front of a screen and it requires good family planning across the week.
Children initially will often vacillate about what sport they wish to join and there is some perseverance needed from parents here. However, keep the longer-term goal in mind. This is about your child actively involved in a sport that builds fitness, raises their awareness and joy of physical fitness and engages them for the long haul in physical sport.
Having a developed appreciation of the value of sport only comes from personal engagement and the joy of feeling well physically.
“The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning.”
Tricky times requires creative thinking and for our children going back to school is a relief as well as creating some anxiety about yet again fitting in to school. There is no doubt the times are challenging and our children will look back on this period with some trepidation and for them, it is a new norm.
This article is a simple one. It is all about helping your child be comfortable and adjust to the “not so routine” of life and school. They are living with the ever-threatening idea of yet another lockdown and this must cause some trepidation as they attempt to go back to school and fit into the school plan.
Consider the following thoughts.
Be flexible. Everything is changing including the teacher’s expectations with the children. Accept that difference is part of the new norm.
The permanency for your child is the stability of the family. Your constant presence in their life is a powerful support for them in today’s climate. Try to ensure that routines, schedules etc. are in place again. This creates some safe reassurance for the child.
Check in with your child’s social life. Are they happily engaging with their friends or are they somewhat reticent to reignite friendships? Chat to your child’s teacher if this is a problem. Children can easily feel unsettled with friends after such intermittent breaks from school.
Ensure your child has a balanced amount of sleep and recreation across the week. They certainly need to set up a balance that will be consistent across the week and feel reassured that the routine will be part of their norm.
School holidays will soon be starting. Given the isolated, online work they have just had, start planning this time with your child. This should be a productive time and one that gives your child joy, physical opportunities, some adventure and quiet time.
Keep the conversation flowing with regard to all the progress being made with vaccines etc. Our children need to understand the times they are living through. Their understanding may carry with it some anxiety but it should be filled with accurate knowledge on the management of the virus. Of course, the information to be given must be age-appropriate.
Finally, children thrive on being happy and having a sense of hope and optimism in their world. For this to be achievable they rely on you, the parent. Keeping the focus for the future on a positive note is such an important part of the parent’s work in today’s climate where unpredictability thrives and their foundational years can be shaken. You are the rock upon which the foundation is built.
“It’s not simply the learning..
It’s the stability. Stability is essential in the lives of children.”