Gail Smith delves into the growing anxiety surrounding Australia Day within our community. How can we guide our children to comprehend diverse opinions and address the recurring concerns that arise each year? Explore valuable insights on navigating these discussions with your children.
Read MoreSome might just say it is all in the interpretation. Often when we have conversations with our children, we naturally presume that they fully understand and grasp the concepts that are being discussed. Younger children, especially preschoolers may only hear part of what you had to say as they will process some of the conversation but not necessarily all of the conversation.
Older children may still struggle to hear and process all of what you have to say to them. This will most definitely be the case if you are angry or disappointed and talk to them in a frustrated way.
When teachers talk to children about some concern they may have, they receive a better response when they speak slowly and only cover one or two concepts. Long protracted sentences will not be internalised by the child.
In working with children, it was very apparent that I carefully spoke in simple and short sentences.
“I would like to talk to you about......”
It was then that you mention the issue but only one or two facts at a time.
“When the incident happened you got very angry”
“When you were angry you ......”
When you listen to what they say, take care not to then barrage them with too much detail. Simply talk about the matter at hand.
When working with children through problems, it was common to first ensure that they were listening and not too anxious. Anxiety is such an emotional blocker and the child will simply shut down.
The following tips are to help parents when they need to talk about issues with their child:
Use shorter sentences to describe the issue.
Remember to listen as soon as you have expressed your concern.
Allow silence to happen between conversations with the child. This is their way of processing.
Be empathetic to their listening skills understanding that they may not have interpreted your concerns at first.
Repeating the concern is fine but it should be done gently and with no frustration in the voice.
Remember that younger children will need simple sentences with the language being used easily understandable for them.
Language used by you should not be emotive. Do not use emotive words such as silly, stupid, dumb in your sentences as they will focus on those words and often ignore the content of what you are saying.
A child can shut down in various ways. Some simply get angry and reactive. Some go silent. Some appear to ignore the conversation. When the shut down occurs, check in that the child understood what you actually had to say, rather than becoming angry that they did not respond. Becoming angry only escalates the issue of the child not hearing what you have to say.
This article is about ensuring that when you talk to your child about a matter that needs discussion, you are reassured that they understood what you had to say.
Often you hear parents say:
“ my child never listens to me”.
I often heard from a child:
“I don't know what mum wants from me.”
Take care to be simple and clear in how you talk to your child. Less words said well can often be more effective.
“ But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought”
“But if thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought” ~George Orwell 1984
The world today is a cautious place and there are very sound reasons why we need to consider how best to keep our children safe and away from harm’s door. Having said that, it is also vital that the child learns to be independent and starts from an early age to resolve matters for themselves.
In my work as a Principal, I was very aware that children these days lack resilience and this reflects how society in its determination to keep children safe, over nurture and choose to make decisions for children to secure the right outcome.
My observation and work with children also led me to recognise that independent children, actually learnt fast, took risks and thought about matters in a more open ended way. They were children who felt comfortable in their own skin, happier in themselves generally and showed an inner confidence and emotional maturity that paid off for them in many ways.
How do we feel satisfied as a parent that we are keeping them safe, but actually letting them come out from their cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly.
I recommend providing slow and progressive opportunities to show independence. This can start as early as the sandpit where they need to clean it up to make it safe and clean to use.
There are many occasions in the home environment where a child can show and develop independence. The kitchen is a prime example. Are they responsible for taking out rubbish out? Do they choose the décor for their room?
Giving our children a range of domestic responsibilities is a great start. We can overtime move into more areas where independence can grow.
Homework is a classic example. If they choose not to complete it, the teacher will deal with providing consequences. Are they able to be dropped off at the corner with friends and walk to school? There are many examples and in most cases children feel so successful when they take a leap of independence.
Of course the independence they especially enjoy is when they are given personal freedom. By negotiating with your child, this is all possible. As the child gets a little older, with gradual support in being independent, you also begin to have more confidence in their ability to cope. This feeds into their overall awareness that you trust them.
It is best to remember that in order to make our children safe, they need to be aware and in tune with what is around them. This only comes from personal experience on their own part. When we over nurture, a child switches off their accountability button and learns little about how to understand the world. Such delayed maturity is a dangerous thing as children get older.
Keeping them safe is to set them free gradually. If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
“I never teach my pupils, I only provide the conditions in which they can learn.”
If a child is aware that you value and trust that next independent step which they aim to take, you build strong bonds which are lasting.
Do you remember your childhood with your own siblings? Now think about how your parents managed the differences and the rivalry if it so happened. Did your childhood relationship with your siblings impact on your relationship with them now as an adult?
This can be a tricky issue for parents and much depends on a range of factors. Such factors could be the age difference between children, the personalities of each child and of course the feelings of security that each child carries about themselves and their relationship with their parents.
I have a long held belief, that in the primary years all children want and need personal time with their parents. In every child, they crave to be an only child for a while, where they are the centre of attention and that parents' eyes are only on them.
However, children in families have the opportunity at an early age to learn about cooperation, patience, collaboration etc. They grow up in an environment of many voices. That is their norm. They often learn on the run and it will involve all the ins and outs of growing up with siblings that are themselves going through their own childhood with all its own joys, nightmares etc.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
The following ways may be helpful:
Remember that all children, no matter what age are entitled to a voice in the family.
Meal time with everyone is an excellent opportunity to share experiences and actually learn to listen to each other.
If one child feels under the weather with their siblings find some personal time with them. Take them out of school for an afternoon and just chat focusing on them and their needs.
Remember that they are all individual and some will have skills and talents that are more vocal and obvious than others. Take care to highlight everyone's talents and not just the one that is the loudest.
Play games together as a family. Great skills are learnt from playing together. This can also be as simple as doing group activities together such as camping, cooking etc.
Take care that when children disagree with each other, as the parent, you do not become involved, but have rules with regard to how disputes between each other should be managed. If a child asks you to intervene, clear guidelines need to be established, so that your involvement is understood as a mentor and mediator.
Keep an eye on how often you specifically talk to each child. The quieter ones can disappear into themselves when family conversations occur and this can be habit forming.
One family I knew had developed a tradition that on each child's birthday they would have a special treat just with the child and the parents. This worked well for them and everyone in the family understood the purpose. They discussed as a family that it was about their special relationship with that child. It worked well for that family. Perhaps developing your own family tradition of how you celebrate each child once a year could be developed. This would be a wonderful project for the whole family, to decide on how to celebrate each other respecting and valuing their individuality by all.
Parents play such a key role in establishing a family environment that breeds a positive disposition towards all members in the family.
Do you have a quiet child? This refers to a child who generally takes a quiet stand on different matters. They may seem to be the child that sits and listens more or perhaps just responds to questions with one word answers. They may be the child that does not want to stand out in a crowd or appears happy to follow the others in various activities. In every classroom there will be those children who will not make their presence felt or who simply enjoy being part of a group in a non distinguishable way.
Many people are by nature quiet, shy or timid in their approach to communication with others. Whilst this is an acceptable trait, it is still worth monitoring children who appear exceptionally quiet or disinterested in engaging with others. There could be many reasons why remaining quiet and unnoticed is a preferred option for a child.
Whilst a child is developing intellectually, physically, emotionally and socially, this is the time to encourage them to be comfortable and confident in speaking out. A child needs to develop their voice, feel it is heard and gain success from people’s response. If a child remains too silent, they can build up resentment and feel frustrated that they are not achieving success like other children. They will also become conditioned into operating this way which becomes an accepted pattern of communicating where everyone around them adjusts to their silence.
It is also important to encourage the conversation as the child can become quite dependent on their silence which acts as a defence mechanism avoiding social issues etc. We need our children to deal with matters that arise using language with growing confidence.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
In working with children, I was especially aware that in talking to the quiet child I needed to ask very open ended questions. I also needed to speak in a quiet and comforting voice that did not take on authority over the conversation. If at any point I spoke as though I was in charge of the conversation, it would clearly stop on the part of the child.
Here are a few tips on how to encourage the quiet child to use and strengthen their voice.
When talking as a family unit, check in with the quiet child, asking questions that do not put them in any distress, especially when in front of other members of the family.
Ask open ended questions, not closed ones. For example,
“When you were at school, today tell me some happy things that happened.”
Some families have starter up sentences which they play as a family.
“Today I went to the park and ………
“I like breakfast because……
This can be turned into a fun activity. The principal here is to encourage longer responses to the statement.
Affirm your child when they give you a sound explanation.
“Thanks for telling me that story. You explained it so well.”
Writing stories and reading them out aloud is another way of a child hearing their voice and others responding to it, questioning and affirming.
Take care not to dominate a conversation. This can be easily done as quiet children will simply let you keep on with the conversation.
No surprises when I say that excessive use of technology further limits their voice. Technology replaces their voice especially through the use of games.
In today’s world where we are very aware of child safety matters, we need to give our children confidence that their voice is heard and valued.
There is much to be said for a smile. Mother Theresa was known to say, “Love begins with a smile”.
Our body language often speaks to a child more than words. How we communicate is not just through speech but also through our physical demeanour and especially the expressions on our face, volume of voice and the tone of voice. A child is keen to read all messages that you give them. Especially, if there are concerns or wants, behavioural issues etc.
We hear quite a lot about mindfulness and the value of remaining calm and steady in crisis, however difficult this may seem. It is actually true. The calmer and more in control you are, the more likely a child will relate to you over matters that are more significant.
Of course, the human condition sometimes makes it difficult not to express feelings that are quite obvious. We all get tired and reactive at times. Generally, children sense when our capacity to cope is down.
When working with children, I would notice how quickly they would switch off if I appeared unsettled or changed the way I normally reacted to situations. They were excellent at reading the signs. Therefore, I needed to recognise in myself when I was not ready to chat to children and find the time to listen. They would also tell me that they would carefully read their parent’s body language before talking to them about matters that troubled them.
If a child feels secure in our presence and the body language that we use around them is consistent, warm and inviting, they will invite us into their world.
The tone of our voice, how we stand and listen, where we situate ourselves when talking, how we use our hands, the space we take in chatting, all of these are body language signs which send messages to a child. Remember, the physical difference between you and a small child. Try and sit when discussing matters to give them more security. Use warm eye contact and keep the voice calm and steady. All of these behaviours reassures a child that the lights are green and chatting is worthwhile.
Consider the following:
If you feel that you cannot remain calm and steady then delay talking to your child over a matter to be discussed.
Let your child know if you would prefer to talk at another time when you felt more relaxed or less distracted.
Keep steady and avoid doing other tasks while talking. Be present for that moment.
Ensure that when you are chatting choose a place that will not distract you from staying focused.
Your regular modelling of being consistent when talking to people is noticed by your child.
As with positive modelling in body language, ensure you use positive talk while engaging in conversation.
Learn from being positive with body language and notice your own improvements with each occasion.
Smile a lot. A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.
“Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm”
A child needs reassurance that all is well with the world.
As parents we are all about protecting our children in many forms. They are our responsibility on so many levels and this includes protecting them emotionally as well as physically, socially and intellectually. At an early age, they are totally dependent on us which gives our role a stronger dimension. We are always on the look out to ensure that they are surrounded by love and total care. How wonderful is that! How accountable that makes us!
In protecting our children we should be also preparing them for the real world and with this may come some disappointments and sorrows. What can easily happen is that a parent may tell a small lie to protect their child from some impending issue or harm. This is passively disadvantaging the child who needs and deserves to hear the truth. They rely on your truth to understand the world and to feel secure in it. If they are uncertain that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information. Do they want to do this? The answer is clearly no. They want the truth from you, the parent.
This article is reminding us that by gently disclosing truth you are bringing your child into the real world, you are telling them that I respect your right to know the truth and I will give it to you in a way that is suitable for your age and appropriate for your understanding. Children who are suddenly thrust into critical truths such as death and divorce in a family have no choice but to grapple with it often in a complicated way.
The more we talk to our children in a way that always discloses the truth, will give them the credibility of being able to grow emotionally through many issues.
In working with children, they would often say that mum or dad has not told them about something as they did not want to upset them. You would be surprised how aware they are of watered down truths. This is dangerous as the child begins to develop anxiety around all sorts of possibilities.
Here are a few tips in setting the groundwork to talk about matters that disclose the truth which can be uncomfortable.
Lead into a conversation well prepared. Choose the time carefully
“I would like to talk to you about... as it has been a difficult problem”
Tell the story gently and calmly, not over dramatically.
Give the child time to absorb what you had to say.
They will ask questions and this is a time to carefully outline the situation with sensitivity to their age.
After telling them the situation, check in that they understood what you were telling them.
Reassure them that the matter is being dealt with and as time goes you will talk to them about related matters.
Using simple truths is ultimately better. For example:
“You can't have sweets as it is dinner time soon”.
This is more realistic then saying:
“you can't have sweets as your teeth will go bad.”
The first statement is real and genuine.
Children deserve the truth and if a responsible parent capably and sensitively presents the truth to the child, the child feels secure and reassured and will return to the correct source, 'the parent' and ask questions with more confidence.
Children who are aware that they will not receive a practical answer, often stop asking questions. They learn the habit of not asking as they have little confidence in the response.
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”
If children think that you are not sharing the truth, they may go to other less refutable sources to seek out information.
Let's refer to our younger children, preschoolers and possibly up to ten years of age. A concern parents sometimes have is finding the truth from tricky situations that usually end up in tears etc.
When a child is under pressure and feels some anxiety in explaining a situation which could lead them into trouble and no doubt prove their guilt, it is not uncommon that they can fantasise situations to avoid the truth. To me, this is not actually lying but is the child's mind finding a coping mechanism to ensure that the child's anxieties stop rising. This is sometimes hard for parents to accept, especially if the truth is very obvious. Sometimes, with older children, they will focus on the blame and shaming of others involved or those that caused them to do the wrong thing. This is displacement and yet another way of coping by not telling the truth and once again reducing their anxiety levels.
Of course a vicious cycle then can switch into action. The parents becomes angrier and more frustrated and so the child recognising the heightened level of stress will hold on to their fantasy to save their emotional state. Sometimes they simply become silent which further frustrates parents.
Let's look at this another way. If we want the truth, we need to set up an environment that not only encourages the truth, but also affirms and celebrates the child's ability to speak the truth.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
When a child says the truth even over incidental and less emotive reasons affirm them.
“Thanks for telling the truth about the spilt milk. I know that you understand how slippery and dangerous it can be on the floor”. In other words, you recognise that telling the truth improved the situation.
As a family talk about how telling the truth is important to you. Talk about people you know and value that always tell the truth. Are they well respected?
Sometimes children's movies have elements around telling the truth. If watching one, highlight the advantages in speaking the truth.
When an incident occurs watch your body language. If you appear hostile and anxious to know the truth, you may not get it as emotional barriers quickly rise in the child. Talk about a time perhaps as a child yourself where you found it difficult to tell the truth. How did you feel afterwards when it was all over?
If a child does fantasise the truth, do not be critical of their story but rather indicate that you have listened and you are still needing to find the true reason.
“I hear what you have told me. I am feeling upset that I need other information about what has happened and I hope you can help me.”
When the truth is given, remember that forgiveness and moving on are very important.
Your unconditional love for your child is clear when you can move on from the problem, especially when they have been truthful.
In working with children, especially those that sadly were sent to me for some unacceptable behaviour, I would begin by saying:
“I am hoping you can help me find out about the incident as I need to help everyone concerned”.
This is being proactive. It then put the child in a less vulnerable situation and shifted the guilt to the centre of the problem. Once the child admitted their involvement, it was a matter of thanking them for their honesty before dealing with the overall problem. This comfortably led them to be honest with some credibility for being truthful.
Maintaining a child's dignity is important throughout this whole exercise.
Here are some strategies that families can use to encourage children especially younger ones where reasoning has not yet fully developed.
One of the most powerful ways we influence our children is the language we use when we talk to them on a regular basis. We may do many things for our children but how we use our language is critical in how they understand out intent and how they recognise their role through your words.
This article is about how we speak incidentally and its impact on our children. It is about developing awareness that sometimes in just having a general conversation, we can make a negative statement about our child, it can be a put down and no surprises when we get a negative response.
“John, let me carry that over to the bench. It's too heavy for you.”
“Do your homework in that room, it is a silly thing to do it near the television.”
In both these statements we refer to their competency level.
Better to say something like:
“John I'll carry that over to the bench. Thanks for your help.”
“You can do your homework in a room where there is less noise”
It is of course necessary to get your message across, but care must be taken that a “put down” is not incidentally and without intent, included in the language. We can do this very effectively without being aware of its destructiveness or the regularity with which we say it.
We can develop patterns where a child's vulnerable side is mentioned quite often.
“You are not big enough to help mum. When you're older you can help.”
We need to take care, as this habit can spread to other members of the family who pick up the intent and run with it themselves. Sometimes the order of the family can be a factor here.
When working with children, they would mention the perception that the family had of them at home. This would affect their own self perception and in some cases how they acted out with others.
Remember, that no matter what order your child is in the family, they are unique with age and size capabilities should all be seen as special and not inadequate. Incidentally referring to a vulnerability can become a habit and it will stick especially with the rest of the family.
“Jenny you know how clumsy you are, be careful when you carry that plate!”
Try saying:
“Jenny thanks for taking the plate. Take care.”
The outcome here is likely to be more successful or at least there is no incidental labelling.
It's all in the words.
“People may hear your words but they feel your attitude”
It’s all in the words
Consider just how busy you are on so many levels. You want to get the very best from your relationship with your child but sometimes struggle to enjoy the experience due to family pressure, work or tiredness. As parents the time flies quickly and before you know it, our three year old has turned five and then eight and so it goes quickly. Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time. All these feelings that you have as a busy parent are quite normal and I would add healthy as you reflect on the values of your child and the preciousness of them growing up quickly.
Over the years I have observed many families' habits in designing family structures to find time with children. I have also experienced my own journey in finding ways to spend more time with the children.
Here are some thoughts on how to remain sane and enjoy your child even though the clock ticks so fast.
Slow down. This may seem impossible but try and find some aspects of the week where you can reduce or slow down some activities. If you look at the week ahead you may find activities that could be pushed to the next week or simply taken out. The more you reduce the business, the more space you will find for your child.
Start uncluttering. Even keeping the house a little simpler can reduce your workload and you may notice your child more often. The Swedish are very good at keeping things simple. Just consider Ikea!
Set up a chart with a 'tune in' date included each week where you simply spend time with your child. If you have several children, perhaps this can be done over several weeks.
Always check in with yourself each week to establish how you have engaged with your child that particular week. Have you had sound conversation, laughter together, cuddles, positive talk etc? This helps us to catch up if we have neglected some personal time with our child.
Reading to a child at night is wonderful for spending quality time together. With a larger family, try reading to them all once or twice a week. Choose a novel that they can enjoy together.
If you have family routines like walking the dog, gardening etc. try to include your child in that activity. This is a wonderful time to share together. Just simply hanging washing on the line is a great shared time to talk.
If you had a busy week and not made much personal time to talk, write a note to your child and leave it under their pillow, in their lunch box etc. Little surprises like this can enliven your experiences together.
Ask the child to list times when they think you can connect together. You will be surprised the array of ideas that a child will present.
Find a special interest that just you and your child share together. I know of one family who has a special jigsaw puzzle set up on a table that only dad and the child work on together.
In working with families, I noticed that parents who reflected on their child's development were more inclined to feel the loss of connection when they did not spend quality time with them.
This is about reducing regret for missed opportunities but rather capitalising on occasions, modifying your routines etc. to find precious time with your child.
“If you want your child to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them. And half as much money.”
Parents often feel regret about missed opportunities due to demands on them and limited time.
Do you have a very sensitive child? If so, you will understand how sometimes they will disproportionately worry or feel upset over matters. Do you have a child always apologising or perhaps getting upset very easily over minor matters.
This blog is about putting worries into proportion. I heard recently a psychologist talk about how something in her past as a child stayed with her for a very long time. She had deep feelings of regret and sorrow over a matter which was not seen in the correct light or understood by adults. It was a displaced issue where someone in the family had died but she had not seen them for a while and as a small child she felt some responsibility for their passing. This may sound a crazy connection, but sometimes a child's mind can carry a sad feeling into adulthood. This silence can be deafening as the years progress.
Think about your own childhood. Were there any incidences that you can recall that brings sadness to your mind and that you attribute yourself to blame? Often families separating when a child is young can stay with the child into adulthood. They question, were they to blame? If only they had done something about it.
These often irrational sorrows can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.
In working with children I was always keen to clear the cobwebs so to speak. Invite the child to talk about their fears and worries.
Here are some tips to keep their worries up to the surface of their thoughts and not buried deep to be resurrected as an adult.
As a family, plan weekly chats about everyone's week. Use this occasion to talk about family issues that have been dealt with and discuss how everyone feels about them.
If you notice a child not talking about a matter, find a quiet time to chat with them. It is best to deal with matters sooner rather than later.
Use the scale system. On a scale of one to ten, how did our week go? Be honest about matters that you had to deal with and chat about how you felt at the time.
At the end of the week, reflect on matters that may have impacted on your child. This gives you the chance to sensitively discuss them as a family. Remember this is about teaching children that talking about feelings is such a positive and emotionally settling thing to do regularly.
Remember that a child will understand problems subject to their age and how it is understood in the family. This is about teasing out any unsettling matters that may be locked into their minds.
Children should of course feel sorry over matters, but it should be a mentally healthy way of being sorry.
Call your weekly session “the throw away the cobwebs” session.
Irrational sorrows from childhood can linger in our minds for quite some time in a subliminal way.
While we celebrate National Days such as the recent 𝐑𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐲 every November and 𝐀𝐧𝐳𝐚𝐜 𝐃𝐚𝐲 in April, how much history do we reveal to our children?
Schools celebrate these days, as does the community, so, not only is it important to pass on the legacy or remembering to our children,but it's essential to give them a sound understanding of the day.
𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝘁𝗶𝗽𝘀 𝗼𝗻 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗱𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝗮𝗶𝘀𝗲 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗼𝗰𝗰𝘂𝗿 𝗮𝗰𝗿𝗼𝘀𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘆𝗲𝗮𝗿.
Read MoreWhen the family gathers, is there an air of happiness? Families that seem happy and enjoy each other's company tend to talk more together, are certainly noisier and from my observation seem to have a well developed ability and interest in listening to each other. They seem more tolerant of each other's vulnerable sides and will often find humour in the various habits and patterns that members of the family adopt.
We should never underestimate that being happy is actually a strength and that seeing the world in a positive light can set the scene for a family to work out of a positive disposition.
When emotions like anger, frustration and disappointment dominate a parent's disposition, any wonder that the child will close down their communication and develop coping skills around the parent. Such negative emotions can also be seen by the child as a use of power against themselves.
Children sense very easily what buttons will trigger negative emotions in their parents. They will also develop their own ability to get their needs met and sometimes this involves going around the parent.
Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child. It is quite compulsive. People like being around such people and so too children. Of course life presents challenges and when a parent feels less likely to be optimistic, happy to engage and positive, it is best to let your child know.
“Today I feel not at my best. I have some things on my mind and tomorrow will be a better day.”
This is all about alerting your child when to best approach them for advice etc. It also reduces confusion for the child who knows you as a happy, positive person.
Keeping the happy levels of the family at a high level should be a focus for parents. Laugh together and enjoy hearing the delights of each other's experiences. Go into conversation with a positive approach. Find warmth and humour in what they have to tell you. Use affirming language and avoid down language.
“I had so much shopping to do today. Wow. I felt like a donkey carrying all those groceries. I think I looked like a donkey too with my sore back.”
Down language could be:
“I had so much shopping to do today. It was heavy and my back is so sore”
The use of positive language does not undermine the message but creates a positive aspect to how it is expressed.
If children hear such positive inflection in their parent's conversation they will respond positively themselves and certainly be less cautious in talking to their parents, feeling emotionally much safer.
In working with children, they would sometimes tell me that they would choose not to talk about certain topics to their parents as it made their parents angry. They would be selective in what and how they expressed themselves.
Try some of the following to lighten the load and brighten the day.
Smile often when talking.
Have a warm tone in your conversation.
Use a gentle calm voice at all times. Sometimes, when they talk about their day have a laugh and join in the story.
Applaud their strengths with confidence and warm thoughts.
Some parents have affectionate titles for their children which makes the child feel good.
“Thanks speedy. I always get it on time.”
“Hey handsome pass me the spoon.”
Tell jokes to each other. The children love joke telling. I know of one family who have a very bad book of jokes but the family have a joke sharing time each week. This is great fun. Tell them your rate of happiness.
“Today I feel ten out of ten in being just happy. What is your number?”
The message to the child is that taking on a positive happy disposition, enlivens the space in which you live. You are telling them that when I feel happy, the world is a better place, come and join me!
“The secret of a long life,
LAUGHTER.
The secret of a long-lasting relationship
laughing together.....”
~ tinybuddha.com
Developing a positive, optimistic mode of operating around each other is most inviting to a child.
Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?
I have often wondered about this as we can easily see in classrooms how each child responds differently to the teacher.
There are many myths and stories around why this is so, but I have come to the conclusion that some children need more attention because it is simply part of their personality. It is often the case that if they over demand from parents, they often over demand equally from others in differing ways. Think about those adults you know who have a personality type that is more 'out there'. They are sometimes not great listeners and seem to have too much to say. This can be very off putting to the listener.
Of course, there can be legitimate reasons for a child demanding more attention. If the behaviour is extreme, this does need to be explored with various support groups such as teachers and counsellors. In this article I am referring to a child that has developed a style where they will over talk others in the family or generally set up behaviour to ensure that all eyes are on them!
Firstly, let us see the positive here. The child is keen to be actively engaged. This can be a good thing in moderation. Repeated bouts of behaviour that draw attention to themselves can be self destructive and the child is not learning the best ways to be effective as a communicator.
For these children, it is all about setting up conditions that give them the opportunity to have a voice and also to learn the benefits of listening to others.
This is a slow and steady process which does require trying to set up positive reinforcement for the child when they successfully change their behaviour. I suggest the following ideas may be helpful in working on conditioning some change in their behaviour so that they feel satisfied they are heard and learn to listen to others.
Set up a time when you sit and simply talk about the issue. Make sure you affirm their voice first.
“I am very impressed that you want to be part of so many conversations. It can be tricky when we all talk at once.”
Discuss how taking turns in talking is a positive thing to do. Discuss a simple plan to affirm your child when he practices slowing down and listening to others. Perhaps agree that if he listens well and waits you can give him extra time to talk at the end.
Play games with the family. This is about sharing and waiting patiently for each person to have their say and their go.
Some parents have found it useful to promise extra chat time before bed when they demonstrated they could listen. I know one family who accumulated the time. For every time the child waited patiently, they added an extra few minutes onto night chats.
When working with children I have found that if you simply sit and listen with intent in an uninterrupted time, they feel quite satisfied. So much of our time in listening is done on the run. Active listening is so helpful for these children as you are gently repeating and reflecting back on what they have said. On so many occasions, children do not really think we are truly listening and just keep on with the negative attention seeking behaviour.
Don't forget to spontaneously celebrate when they actually slow down and listen.
“Well Done. You listened to your brother so well. I am wondering what you want to say now?”
Watch your body language around these children. They are very aware that you are sensitive to their repeated calls for attention. If we appear very irritated the behaviour can actually escalate. Try and remain calm and gently remind them about how they are great talkers but need now to wait and listen.
As a family practise silence for a few minutes. Many schools use yoga or meditation to train children into enjoying and understanding silence. Some families have a minute silence before they all chat about their day or eat a meal.
Remember that attention seeking can be for many reasons. The above thoughts reflect helping a child feel reassured that their voice is strong and valued in the family. It can be understood by all in less pronounced ways with support.
Have you noticed how some children demand more attention than others?
How different we all are in so many varied ways. Sometimes, we look at the order of our children to gain insight into understanding their personality. Generally, we can detect certain patterns that are common to first children, generally more conservative, the second child usually more robust and a risk taker. It is not uncommon to hear parents comment on how different their children are and yet the upbringing is the same for all.
The reason is simple. Each child is different and their growth will be unique. Parenting should reflect that each child will have different needs that should be addressed.
In order for each child to be themselves, they will need their own time and space to just simply be themselves. This can be a challenge for parents who sometimes struggle to understand how each child responds differently to the family structure, especially rules and regulations. Rather than being frustrated about this, turn it into a positive. Aren't we lucky to have such variation in our children.
Each child has needs that challenge us to work with them differently. It also challenges ourselves in how we parent. Some children are quite and more reserved, some children are very vocal and demanding. The variations go on indefinitely.
The key is for parents to keep in mind:
Every child is unique.
Sometimes this may mean how I work with the child will be different.
I understand that whilst I give equal time to my children, it is natural that some children may demand more. This can be frustrating but is necessary given their individual needs.
I recognise that listening to my children will be different for each child.
I will need to cater for individual differences and see them as a gift in each child.
I will need to take care that quieter, less open children will need to be drawn out more in conversation. Still, I respect their quiet nature.
Sometimes as a family we need to do collective activities. It is however, important to check in with each child as to how they are engaging with family matters.
I need to be careful in using language that does not indicate competition between children.
Each child will have their own set of strengths that need to be celebrated. There is no need to have all my children achieving and successful in the same way. From time to time, some children will shine more than others. This is normal practice in an energised family.
We look for tendencies in our children that remind us of ourselves. Take care that we do not highlight aspects of a child that are not seen favourably by everyone.
Take care not to label a child with a particular characteristics. As they grow, especially into teenagers, their personality will keep evolving overtime and with this may come significant changes.
Given that each child is an individual, be open to surprises with them and relish the little changes that appear from time to time.
When working with children, I was amazed by how insightful children were regarding their parent's perception of them. I soon realised in working with children that their sensitivity to their parent's perception of themselves impacted on how they operated around their parents.
We need to have an open mind and heart to the beauty of the individual child during their precious time of growth. We need to see their individual changes, no matter how varied and uniquely different as another step in becoming a well rounded young adult.
Every child is unique.
Just how unique is your family? Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated and acknowledged. In the busy life of families, we tend to do more of the same at times and each child will naturally react differently to what is put in front of them. Families often act as a regimented group, it's more efficient that way. What we need to remind ourselves of occasionally is the unique nature of each child. What you notice as different can be a great skill or developing strength.
When working with children who felt vulnerable, it was not uncommon to hear them comment on how they see themselves as different from their siblings. Sometimes, this difference causes problems with the family as it does not fit in with expectations. They perceive their strengths or differences as problem areas. These differences can often just be the child's perceptions or viewpoints or interests. The trick is to recognise their differences and to acknowledge them wherever possible.
Some children are vocal and express themselves strongly, others are more reserved and reflective. Some children show very visible aptitude in certain areas, others take on a calmer, steadier way of being. It is not about placing a value judgement on the child, but rather recognising their uniqueness.
“I just love the way you organise your room. You are certainly a very neat person. A great quality to have in life and a great example to our family.”
“I wish I could sing as well as you. Your voice is strong and unique in our family”
“Our family is amazing. John is excellent at Maths and your strength is very evident in story writing. We are all so different. I just love all the wonderful strengths we bring to this family.”
Note here how we refer to all the gifts and strengths that the family has and how it strengthens the whole family. Within your family celebrate all the differences which make for a tapestry of family gifts.
Consider:
Catching them out when you notice their differences.
Invite your child to talk about the things that they do well.
Comment on spontaneous behaviour which displays their uniqueness, especially in front of the rest of the family.
Encourage each child to comment on what they notice about the other siblings.
Have a brag sheet on the fridge. This is about highlighting characteristics of the child which you want to celebrate across the week.
It is about creating a family culture that applauds differences and celebrates each person's uniqueness.
Each person, father, wife, son, daughter etc. have their own qualities which deserve to be celebrated
I have mentioned the use of power in a previous article. This time I discuss how power can be hidden in how we communicate. We may be perfectly innocent about using power, but still it can appear in our behaviour. Sometimes it would be true to say that a child looks for signs in the parent's behaviour that to them depict the use of power.
Let us not get confused with authority. As parents we have the responsibility to provide for our children and we have the authority to manage them. A child, as early as a preschooler comes to know how you operate as a parent. They read the signs very well as they need to feel reassured that all is well with them and the parent. In fact, they are frequently checking in with us to see how they are going in your eyes.
These signs through our behaviour, need to be positive, clear and consistent. Giving the child mixed messages only makes them anxious and confused. This can be construed as the use of power. We all know how intermittent anxiety can be hard to live around. This is when we have no prediction of when another person will be reactive.
The following are suggestions to keep the behavioural messages clear to the child and free of building up anxiety in them.
When you need to talk to a child about a matter speak calmly and with clarity. Often when a child is hearing about how they have done something wrong in class, they will often say that the teacher yells at them. There is something about anxiety and how you are spoken too which is important.
Short sentences and breaks in between sentences helps children better process what you are saying to them.
Always try not to be too emotive in how you communicate messages that could cause some distress.
Check where you talk to a child about important matters. Busy shopping centres, noisy environments, crowded spaces etc will only make the child feel overwhelmed by the situation and powerless to respond.
Remember to use the I statement
“I am disappointed that you....”
Also use the positive I statements as well to ensure balance in conversations.
“I am very happy that you......”
Ensure that the child understands your purpose for the conversation. Never let them hover about unsure about the outcomes This is quite unsettling and can be seen as using power indirectly.
When talking to a child about a matter, remember to use good eye contact and listen with care when they respond. The child needs to feel that you are really listening to their response and that you value what they say. If you show little interest in their response then once again power is being used over the child.
Always follow up after matters have been resolved and affirm the child's efforts in working through situations.
The use of power over children eventually runs out as the child grows and realises the empty vessel that power has become. We need to be developing a positive influence on our children so that they come to us unimpeded by fear of consequences. We are also teaching them how to manage themselves without relying on the use of power.
In working with children, it was not uncommon for them to tell me which parents they would go to when a problem arose. No surprises it was the parents that listened and did not force their thinking onto them.
This article is about checking in on how your behaviour impacts on your child, keeping in mind that they are looking for reassurance rather than disapproval and incidental use of power.
Children gravitate around what is mentally safe for them. They seek it out. They intuitively search for love and will be comfortably in tune with parents that they emotionally trust and are predictable
“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children”
It’s important we don’t confuse authority with power. Here’s steps to help you work through issues without the use of ‘power’ and teach your child to do the same.
Who remembers their upbringing? Well, one thing is for certain as soon as you become a parent, you begin to reflect on your own upbringing. As the child becomes more independent, patterns of how your parents dealt with various situations looms large in your mind. It was not uncommon to hear from parents how they found themselves repeating words that their parents had said to them when growing up. Some parents were anxious not to repeat the same child rearing as their parents and so they sometimes overcompensated with their children which led to other problems.
Having your own children causes you to reflect more deeply on your own childhood.
As parents from different upbringings, we bring to the table, different ideas about how to raise our children. No surprises here that this can cause some tension between parents.
Also it is no surprise that the child will gravitate around the parent less punitive, less judgemental and often more relaxed in listening. This can sometimes cause more frustration on the part of the other parent who feels that the child needs more discipline.
This article reminds us that firstly we need to accept that parents may have different understandings of child rearing and together parents bring a lot to the table. There is no absolute right or wrong. The best way to manage this situation is to agree as parents that you are honest with your child in acknowledging that sometimes parents see things differently. The child is very aware of this and the more it is understood in the family, the better for all. I would also suggest that as parents consider attending a small parenting course together. This brings out the differences but especially focuses on how certain common factors in parenting should be shared by both parents.
As a family discuss important issues together as this will give both parents a chance to look at the matters in hand.
Sometimes one parent is better at dealing with some issue and as a couple agree on when this should happen.
Having a united front can sometimes be overwhelming for the child as they feel they have no place to go in discussing and negotiating their problems.
Both parents could practice the following:
Never be over reactive when hearing about a situation. After all you want your child to keep talking. Listen with interest before you ask questions and work through the issue. If a parent feels that they may be reactive to what is being discussed then I would recommend that this could be a matter for the other parent.
Ensure that your child understands that both parents are good listeners and that sometimes one parent may work through the matter rather than the other or both parents. Being consistent can be difficult. This is why discussing all the ins and outs of the situation are important before making decisions.
The more parents make themselves available to the child, the greater chance of children being open to both parents in their discussions.
When talking to parents I noticed that those children who had authentic relationships with their parents felt that home was a safe place to talk about matters. They would often tell me how their parents reacted to different situations but would comfortably say, “I can talk to mum or dad”.
It is also helpful to talk to the child about your childhood so that they can understand your journey as a child. This helps them reflect on the differences in their family.
The one factor parents have in common is that they care for their child and want them to grow up happy and well adjusted. Parents can be different, be a capable listener and genuine in how they communicate with their child.
Do you have different parenting styles?
The days are so complex, busy, noisy and emotionally crowded at times. Everyone wants your time and attention. Finding time to just simply talk to your child without interruptions can be so difficult.
Do days pass when you wonder if you have had any real conversations with your child other than giving instructions, talking about the practicality of the day etc.? You can often feel as though real conversation has passed you by.
This article is about seeking out occasions to have conversations without other factors getting in the way. It is about finding emotional space to just talk about a topic that might be on the mind of the child or yourself. It does not need to have any specific direction, other than pleasant conversation between the two of you.
Many parents find small conversations in the car work well. Sometimes, the simplicity of just sitting in a car together which is uncomplicated and not invaded by other people can be a great time to talk about some matter on your mind. Also bedtime is often seen as a time to have small conversations together. Some parents tell me when snuggled up watching a movie can bring out great conversations. Remember these are pleasant together times where conversation is simply enjoyed between the two of you.
Think about times when you are cooking together, playing together. Find occasional spaces when real conversation can be had by both child and adult. It is amazing how moments of powerful statements can be made in the most ordinary of circumstances. This is about finding small pockets of time where you are simply enjoying each other's space and it can be a perfect occasion to just talk comfortably. Never underestimate how these occasions can be helpful in really talking with your child. These are honest moments and are truly authentic. Most importantly they are enjoyed by both parties.
In working with children I would sometimes go for a walk on the school yard and just talk about the environment. It was amazing how calmly and comfortably the child would feel in talking to you. Make your conversation spaces a popular time for your child to just talk to you without complication, judgement or interruptions. Walk with them in and through conversation.
“When I talk to you, my day gets a whole lot better”
When was the last time you had a moment to truly connect and chat with your child?
We all make mistakes and thank God for that!
Einstein, the great physicist, was famous for commenting on how repeated mistakes led to his final discoveries. We need error to check our thinking and stimulate us to look for other ways and processes to be successful. Having said that, it is still often a concern for some children when they make a mistake. Some children develop a fear of making a mistake. In working with children it often appeared to be tied up with their belief that they will let their parents down. Unfortunately, the more they are conditioned to hanging onto this fear, the less they will try as they feel more secure in just not having a go! After all that makes them feel more secure!
Teachers often struggle with this issue in the classroom. At the risk of sounding too sure of myself, I see this problem generally in first children. They are more inclined to be cautious and only take one step forward and sometimes two steps back!
We need to understand that they fear disappointing others. Therefore, we need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.
Here are some suggestions for supporting the child through this habit forming problem.
As a family set up a 'having a go' sheet. Every time the child tells you that they really had a go over some tricky situation put a tick on the sheet and agree to some reward when the chart has completed ten ticks. This is all about changing patterns and affirming the effort.
Be spontaneous and when you notice an attempt, affirm the child.
When you look at the school work that comes home, take care to comment on the work completed and the effort made. Avoid highlighting the mistakes.
Here you say:
“These are where you have growth curves to learn more. We all have growth curves.”
Talk about your growth curves that you are working on to improve yourself.
Across the week when chatting, talk about one situation where you had a go even though it was hard. Discuss how you felt? Take care not to talk about too many successes. Just focus on the effort you took. Keep in mind their fear of disappointing you. Reinforce how happy you are when they simply, 'have a go'.
You could say,
“ I love your efforts. You always have a go and that is what I love about you”
There are some excellent children's feeling books obtainable in most libraries. This could be a great way of talking about fears of making mistakes. Talk to the school librarian or to the local librarian about suitable books. Remember, we are changing their thoughts on what really pleases us. It is all about the effort.
“ Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
We need to understand that children fear disappointing others. We need to reassure them that we applaud the effort not the outcome. It is all about celebrating, 'having a go'.