Being the best you can is often enough as a parent.

Are we looking for perfection in rearing our children? Do we question ourselves when we think our parenting was not good enough?

Perhaps we make judgements on how effective we are compared to friends, our parents, other family units. 

Do you think your parenting is not good enough?

Sometimes we make the call to be exceptional in our interactions and management of our children. Sometimes it is all too hard. We can be tired, unwell or preoccupied with other things to give parenting our one hundred percent attention.

What is worth considering is our very human condition. We are entitled and expected to be human and this comes with all its imperfections and warts whether we are a parent or not.

Once we start parenting we can sometimes have feelings of guilt if we are just not perfect enough. Perhaps we could have tried harder? Were we right in making that call?

I have some good news here. Children prefer the human in you. They feel more at ease when and if you make mistakes and are open about them. The trick here is to be honest with your child. Apologise when mistakes are made and be prepared to start again. Talk about how sometimes you are not good at things and occasionally you may find tasks hard. You actually have to work hard to be a parent sometimes! The child is wise enough and intuitively knows how you operate as a parent. Although they may see other models of parenting surrounding them, they are still comforted and reassured with their own parents.

Parenting is all about the effort and process you use and the sincerity in which you interact with your child.

 In working with children, teachers are very keen to articulate when they make a mistake. They see this as a chance to teach a child that making mistakes, being imperfect is a natural way to understand the human condition. The quality of teaching improves when teachers feel relaxed about talking about their imperfections to their children. There is real value in a teacher’s honesty with their class.

The emotional growth of a child also is influenced by their ability to interpret situations especially human actions.  

 Consider the following:

• Your human face is part of your charm. Don’t hide it from your child. Let them see the real you.

• There is no such thing as perfection in parenting. It is an ongoing process in which we keep working with our children, weaving in and out of situations that morph into different scenarios.

• Children expect and deserve to see you in all your glory and this comes with some ordinary moments as well. They, in fact, love the ordinary in you!

• Sometimes good is good enough and as a parent, you need to understand that nurturing yourself improves parenting. This may involve giving less time to your family and some more time to yourself. This also teaches the child that you value yourself. To be a more successful parent is about being a happier adult where your well being is valued.

Carrying feelings of guilt around with regard to not being a satisfactory parent only unsettles a child who loves you unconditionally for who you are all the time. 

Keep the happy levels up in parenting no matter how you think you perform. Focussing on underachievement and comparisons in this area of parenting only fuels further discontentment with yourself and the child.

Nurture and love of your child is not always linked to being successful in every area of parenting. The most important person who realises this is your child.

 The message is simple. You are doing the best you can do and learn to love the journey along the way.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell

Teaching the value of problem solving.

Schools understand the value of teaching problem solving. The style of teaching often taught is through an inquiry approach whereby questioning and problem solving play a very big part in how children are taught to learn.

With this in mind, as a parent, teaching problem solving from an early age makes a lot of sense. Consider some of the advantages.

Strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.

If you are encouraging problem solving you are inviting your child to solve their own problems. You are also encouraging independent thinking and risk taking. You are in effect teaching your child that making mistakes, trialling ways to solve problems and ‘having a go’ are valuable tools in working out how to solve life issues. As a parent you are teaching them to rely on their own ingenuity, creativity and common sense. You have confidence in their own decision making.

Let’s look at some strategies to support your child’s ability to problem solve.

• Be the model and talk to your child about how you brainstorm issues when you have a problem. Demonstrate some recent examples of how you dealt with some problems that needed careful thought.

• Teaching a child to list some options they may be thinking about to solve a problem is useful.

“Try listing three ways you could solve that problem”,

“Great now let’s discuss each option and see how it would work for you.”

• Some children enjoy having a problem-solving book where they write in optional ways to look at the problem.

• How about the what, where, how and why questions. This can be a habit to ask the children when they talk about a problem

What is it that you are solving as a problem?

How can you solve it?

Where is it to be dealt with?

What are you dealing with?

These four questions help a child think a bit deeper about the problem they aim to solve.

Another tool to help a child solve the problem is to simply write down the problem. Some children reflect more deeply when they see the problem written down on paper.

A few tips to make the process work well.

• Have faith in your child’s ability to work it out. Be patient.

• Ensure that your body language is always positive when a child offers suggestions.

• Affirm their efforts.

“Well done for thinking of that as an option.”

• Allow them to make mistakes and reassure them that this is part of the process.

• Remind them of famous people such as Einstein who only learnt through practice and making errors.

• Encourage perseverance.
  “Great effort. Have you planned any further direction with     that problem?”

In working with children with regard to school issues such as friendship problems, anxiety about poor performance etc., it was most important to firstly talk about the success you had noticed in previous attempts.

Laughter a great tool in dealing with stress.

How often do you laugh with your children? Do you find the things they do or talk about amusing? Can you see the lighter side of your child’s actions keeping in mind that they are the actions of a child and not an adult?

Our world can easily be seen as a serious place and children have a natural disposition to be happy and seek out happy spaces and people. They are in fact a delight to be with and a privilege to have in our lives.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving.

This article is to remind us that laughing with your child is a healthy activity to do. It also teaches your child that humour is valued and that finding humour in life situations can be very mentally therapeutic. Some people have a natural disposition to see the world in lighter ways. For others, finding the lighter side to life can be learnt overtime.

We can all see the situation in different perspectives as with the glass half full or empty. However, to find the funny side of situations is an excellent way teach your child a strategy in coping with stress.

It is no coincidence that children gravitate around people who have a positive happy disposition. They are attracted to warmth in personality and humour.

As a parent we can sometimes become absorbed in the seriousness of the occasion. After all our role is to rear our children, provide for them etc. I would add to this that a parent’s role is also to teach strategies that enable a child to cope better when times are difficult. It is also about showing them that there is humour and lightness when sometimes everything seems out of control.

Teachers are very clever at selecting moments in class that bring spontaneous laughter to the classroom. This creates a climate in the room which is inviting and generally optimistic. It says to the children that we are a happy class.  Mistakes happen and we move on seeing only the brighter side of the day. It also forms a great stop gap method of taking away built up tension. Humour certainly works.

In working with children individually I would start the conversation in a positive note and try to bring in something light and happy to talk about. If we both enjoyed a joke it certainly created the environment for more comfortable talk to follow.

I know of some families that keep a joke book at home and on a regular basis they tell jokes as a family. Of course, watching funny programs or playing games is a great time for laughter in a family. However, what is better is when you the parent can spontaneously point out situations that can be seen as funny.

“Look at the dog chasing his tail. He looks like a complete circle.”

“Hey check out my hair. I look like a have had an electric shock.”

 Laughing about yourself teaches the child that you are a resilient person.

It’s all about making light humour of situations, teaching the child that being positive takes away the potential of a situation turning negative. A child will certainly pick up the message and appreciate that life can be funny and perhaps not so serious.

Of course, care must be taken between misreading a serious situation and this is all about the skill of the parent in talking appropriately to the child on such an occasion.

Finally let’s look at the advantages of bringing humour into your family life.

• It costs little.

• It enlivens the spirit.

• It gives a strong message to your child that humour is an important aspect in your life.

• It lightens anxiety.

• It invites a child to read a situation for what it is rather than becoming too serious.

• It reminds the child that the world is not a perfect place and that perfection can be restrictive. The world can be amusing and enjoyed for this reason.

• If the child is laughing at you it teaches them that you are resilient when people find you funny. This certainly talks a great deal to the child about resilience.

• It also helps a child discern what is serious and what is acceptable humour. For some children this can take some time to understand.

In simple terms, laughter is life giving. It is a wonderful collective activity to do as a family and it brings in to play so many strengthening aspects of self esteem, self worth etc. Ultimately the child can begin to see the humour in themselves. How personally strengthening is that!

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplain

Finding a balanced dose of media across the week

Do you often have a panic attack at home wondering have the children been watching too much television or using their technology for too long?  I imagine this happens from time to time as the family pressure on each week varies. It is difficult to find consistency in busy family life.

However, it is important to find the right balance with media and technology use, as excessive screen time can be limiting a child’s ability to converse, engage with other activities and of course it reduces reading hours, listening capacity, etc.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance with use of technology at home.

Here are some suggestions on trying to find the balance.

• Look at the week ahead. Does it have a balanced approach afterschool?

• Are their certain TV programs that the child enjoys. Perhaps negotiate with your child when they watch such programs in the light of all the other chores and homework required for that week.

• Talk about the programs they enjoy watching on television. Find out what really interests your child in these programs and other interactive games. Don’t forget to always monitor the ratings.

• Be the positive model. Reduce your own personal time on the computer and television replacing them with family talk time or active family activities. The child needs to see that other ways of operating as a family are important and highly life-giving.

• Technology is embedded in our world and will especially be part of your child’s life. Talk about how they enjoy technology and discuss and research together the various ways in which technology has impacted on the global world. By doing this the child can reflect on the technological impact over the years. At the same time, they can reflect on the importance of other aspects of life that cannot be neglected. These are life-giving experiences that are not technologically driven.

• Consider the design of your home. Are their sections where it can be tech-free? This is important to set up in the house as it is another reminder that we can recreate without technology as a family.

• Introduce house rules about where computers are kept, where charging spots are located etc. Take control of all technology, thereby making it easy and visible to access for yourself. Bedrooms are notorious hiding spaces for children in which to overuse computers.

 Schools are constantly evaluating the use of technology in the classrooms. We have moved from believing that technology will drive every moment of our school day to recognising that children need to learn in different ways and that excessive dependence on technology diminishes a child’s capacity to think and process. For example, teamwork, group discussions, cooperative learning do not rely on technology. A child needs varied cooperative models of learning.

When considering family holidays consider having them without technology. Go camping, hiking etc. Outdoor activities are wonderful for taking the mind off technology. The child needs to learn life in so many varied ways not driven by a keypad!

There are some wonderful websites which teach the family about cyber safety. I recommend watching these video clips with your child as it gives you both important matters to discuss.

Also learn about how to take authority in blocking certain social media. Websites such as the police have excellent advice in this area. Also talk to your child’s school about what they are teaching the children with regard to cyber safety and other related matters. They often send excellent support material home to families. Schools also hold information nights about home use of technology.

 This article reminds us that we live in a technologically driven world which has an extraordinary capacity to influence our lives. Our children are embedded with the notion that living with technology is a natural process. What we do as parents is applaud the inevitable but put on the table all the options of enjoying and savouring life with and without technology. We demonstrate how it works reminding ourselves that our children have been born into a totally different disposition. What a difference a generation makes!

“Science and technology revolutionise our lives but memory, tradition and myth frame our response.”

— Arthur M Schlesinger

How best to help your child cope?

Do you often wonder if you are helping your child effectively cope with all the pressures and stresses that come their way at any age?

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems and it is also not about giving them solutions that you think would solve their problems. By doing this, they have become your problems! In fact, helping your child is more about having a supportive presence in their world to suit the occasion.

Helping your child cope is not about taking over their problems.

Being in a strong, trusting relationship with your child puts you in a comfortable situation to be invited into their problems. Your child is more inclined to talk about their issues if they feel that you will listen with compassion and understanding. They do not expect an immediate response or reactionary behaviour. They expect a calm listener, who wants to hear all about their problems. At no point do you take over the problem, become emotional or reactive. Once a child feels comfortable in talking to you about their concerns, you can ease into asking some details to clarify how they feel about the matter.

“You seem upset that Mark pushed you in the yard and you don’t know what to do as he is your friend”.

Here, you are playing back their concerns with interest.

Once you have a clear understanding you can seek their approval to make some suggestions.

“Would you like me to add some ideas to help solve this problem as I am sure you have your own ideas.”

Here you can discuss together optional ways to address the concern. The key factor is to be invited into discussing the problem as a guest. In this way the child is in control of their own problem and is more inclined to solve it themselves.

Operating this way with your child is about keeping in a safe zone. You are not interfering with your child’s right to own the problem and they get the rewards from solving it themselves. You are merely giving some consultation.

After they have made attempts to work though the problem, you can inquire how it all went and affirm their decisions, they used in solving the problem. If it is still unresolved, you can use the same process to work on helping with further solutions. Think about your own dilemmas at work. No one enjoys others taking control of your own issues.

This concept of giving the child their right to respond to problems should start at an early age. The more we delay their ability to feel in control, the harder it is for them to be sole operators of their own emotions. Success comes from being mentally in charge themselves.

In working with children who were experiencing concerns with friends at school, it was common practice to invite them to come up with optional ways to deal with the issue. I would make suggestions when invited and later check in to see how they went with solving the problem. If resolution was not reached, it became an exercise in learning about how friends move on and how you understand young friendships. The child learns from the journey of dealing with their own problems. The success comes from the fact that they were in charge throughout the entire exercise.

“Whatever happens, take responsibility.”

                                                  Tony Robbins

Teach your child to develop staying power

So much of this modern technologically driven world is all about fast moving, immediate satisfaction and moving on quickly. Sometimes this flows on into other aspects of a child’s life - finding grit and sustaining the effort. Perseverance is a key word here and it is all about a child keeping on trying, having a go and showing determination to achieve a task. It is easy to say that this doesn’t suit me and so I will just move on to something else less arduous.

As a parent, it is valuable to talk about how rewarding it is to persevere and the process of doing something, carrying it through its stages, is really the success criteria. How often do our children see the value of just having go and being consistent in their efforts to achieve a tricky goal. The more we encourage them to stay motivated over difficult tasks, the better they grow in valuing their own capabilities.

Here are several strategies you can use to encourage staying power in your children.

I appreciate that this is not an easy task but there are several strategies you can teach them to keep up the staying power.  

• Talk about the staying power you need sometimes to complete a task. For example, have you started gym and find it difficult but you are determined to keep going top reap the benefits?

• Perhaps you are studying at work. Talk about the rigour and effort you need to put into simply getting better. Put simply, no pain, no gain.

• Talk about the success you feel personally when you go through the trials and difficulties of working at something.

• If your child is involved in sporting activities such a swimming club etc., the effort to get better, increase fitness and performance can be quite demanding. Talk about how the child feels after they succeed.

• Set simple goals with your child.

“I know you are keen to get better at Maths. Let’s put an extra twenty minutes into learning maths at the end of every day.”

Once goals are set and achieved, talk about the process and how putting effort into the process had such successful outcomes.

In working with children who were reluctant to push themselves, we would start by talking about people they knew that were successful, especially their heroes. We talked about how they got to be so successful and focussed on the great efforts and sacrifice they made to achieve their goals. We then talked about simple tasks that the child achieved with some effort. It was about building on small strengths.

Teachers are very skilled at building on small achievements with children. They affirm regularly and celebrate when the child takes that extra leap with effort. For a parent, it is about being alert to any staying power that the child demonstrates and affirming the effort. Keep in mind here that we are not always affirming the result, but the progressive effort and endurance shown by the child.

As humans, we are very in tune with avoiding the hard yards and sometimes choosing the easier route. Demonstrate to the child that sometimes going that extra distance gives tenfold results. Act as a coach and give guidance not direction or instructions.

“Great effort. So, you think that in a week you will be able to speed up on your spelling test. What will you do to achieve this goal?”

Here you are listening to their desire to improve and supporting them with some guidelines for small improvements.

Helping the child increase their staying power is about strengthening their self-resolve.

“It always seems impossible until it is done.”

— Nelson Mandela

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

How much worry about your child should a parent take?

As a parent we think about so many aspects of our child. Will they grow well? Is this the right school for them? What if they don’t find friends? What if they don’t eat their vegetable and so the tedious list of worries morphs into bigger worries as the child grows.

It can be exhausting for parents. The weight and fear of the unknown can be quite a burden. Often our caution lends itself to over protection.

Do you worry too much about your child?

When introducing new families to school at prep I was always curious to hear of their worries for their child. I think back to these same parents as we farewelled their last child from primary school. How often we laughed together at the innumerable fears and anxieties parents held about their children in earlier years.

Take note, I am not suggesting that genuine interest and natural anxieties should not be the norm for parents. I am saying that sometimes we over worry and put long term fears into our anxiety about our child. By doing this we become focussed on wanting to prevent or solve the problem before it happens. This sets up barriers to development. The other concern is that our fears influence how we engage with our children and sometimes this can impact on our relationship with them. A common fear that I often heard from parents was

“If my child is not successful at……. they will lose their confidence forever.”

This is clearly not so!

Afterall, does worrying about the unknown, long-term future have any purpose?

This article suggests that we should think more about the short-term issues with children. If handled well, the longer-term issues take care of themselves. As the child takes on more independence, they do not seek out our involvement in solving problems, or making solutions for them. They simply want the right to own their own experiences. When working with children I would sometimes put it to the child

“Do you want mum or dad to solve this for you?”

In most cases the answer was “no”. The child would rather go through the struggle than have their independent right to solve the problem taken from them.

In the light of this information, I put it to parents that worrying over your child excessively is simply a waste of time. Putting this energy into being joyous about your child’s development is better use of family energy and has a positive, healthy effect on the child.

Life changes, your child may go in different directions and show completely new interest where it wasn’t before. These are just some variables and surprises out of your control.

Concentrating on the here and now and the practical issue is easier on your well being and does not inflate the possibility of bigger problems. It is actually quite the reverse.

So, I suggest put all your worries about your child into a much smaller, more manageable basket and wait with excitement and anticipation for all the twists and turns that will be part of a child’s development.

Be optimistic and excited about the unknown challenges that lie ahead for your child and the new challenges that this presents for you personally. This is so necessary for your well-being as a developing parent and life consultant to your child.

Create space between yourself and your child can be a positive thing to do.

When your child is very little it is natural to keep the bonding strong and as such you will spend much time attaching to your child. As the child grows and they attend school, it is natural that you spend less time with them throughout the day.

All these changes are natural and expected. A child is gradually developing independence in variety of ways once their world broadens to kindergarten, school, sporting clubs, etc. This article talks about how it is valuable to find some personal time for yourself in the midst of a being a busy parent. This may involve leaving your child from time to time.

By providing space for yourself you are reminding yourself that you need to be valued and that personal space can be a form of strengthening your relationship with your child. You come back refreshed and ready to keep on with all the responsibilities that you have as a parent.

An important aspect to creating some personal space is to teach your child that even though their development and needs are given the highest priority, their parents also need to keep nourishing themselves as adults. This also teaches your child that you need to be nurtured as well.

If we spend every wakeful hour with our child, we do not give them a chance to breathe in a different space. They need to grow in awareness that their parents are adults and they too need their own form of comfort and support. This does not always include the child and that’s OK.

Given that the child develops excitement and joy in knowing that you are enjoying yourself than they grow less selfish and recognise that supporting your personal space is a way of caring for you, the parent. The more the child sees themselves as part of a family where all members need support not just themselves, the more emotional growth steps in and broadens their young horizons.

“Give yourself the space to listen to your own voice-your own soul. Too many of us listen to the noise of the world and get lost in the crowd.”

— @MARCANDANGEL Healthy Place .com

Asking for help and questioning is a good thing to do.

As an adult do you find it natural to ask for help? Do you find asking questions difficult?

Often, we excuse ourselves and treat it as a natural process to ask for help. We are not embarrassed or feel awkward.  Of course, you can feel uncomfortable about asking for help. Generally as we get older we show more maturity about asking questions. It seems a normal response.

Children need to acquire the skill of asking for help and questioning. If they acquire this skill from an early age it becomes a natural way of operating and is understood to be the best and the most natural response when you don’t know the answer to any situation. I refer to its acquisition as a skill, so that we understand the very real value in simply asking questions and seeking help.

Some children, especially those that worry about making mistakes, can be reticent to ask for help. After all, does it suggest failure and a recognition to those around you that you do not know the answer?

What will people think of me?

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning.

One of the most contemporary methods of teaching is the Inquiry Approach which is based totally around asking questions. In fact, the bigger the question, the better scope to learn. This tells us that asking questions is recognised as an important way of learning and living from day to day.

If you have a child reticent to ask questions and seeking help when needed, the following suggestions may help encourage them to see the value in questioning.

• Talk to your child about how you like to ask questions to get more information. Highlight the time that seeking help solved your problem.

“Thank goodness I asked for directions on that trip. We would never have arrived on time without some assistance.”

“I asked your teacher how I could help you with homework and she gave me some excellent ideas. Without her help I would never know what to do.”

• Talk about famous people who ask many questions to get their work complete. Scientists, doctors etc. are all professions that rely on gathering more information through questioning to help with their work.

• When a child talks about a problem, list some questions that they could ask to get the problem solved.

“You seem unsure about that homework. Let’s think about some questions to get help from the teacher. For example:

1.    When do you hand the homework to the teacher?

2.    What part of the homework is the most difficult?

3.    Is it better to spread the homework over several days?

4.    Do you need more time to do this work?

5.     Which part of the homework is the easiest?

• Bringing questions into play is all about breaking down the anxiety about the problem. Ensuring that it is all manageable. Questioning and seeking help also is seen as a legitimate way of moving from not knowing to being informed.

When working with children who were reticent to ask questions or generally seek help in the classroom, we would turn it into a game. I would ask a question about a set problem and they would respond. Then it was their turn to ask a question about the problem. We would calculate who could ask the most questions about the problem we set down and who gained the most information.

Also affirming the child when they asked questions or seek help spontaneously is always a great tool used in the classroom. Try it at home.

“Well done, that question was a great one.”

“I am so glad you asked me to help you.”

“I like that question. It has got me thinking.”

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning in which the child feels comfortable and invites others into their process of thinking. We feel less anxious and personally vulnerable when we seek help and question. Both a natural way of life.

“The art of proposing a question must be held of higher value than solving it.”

— George Cantor

Does your child overthink matters?

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

• If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

• When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

What to be aware of when separation occurs.

No question about it, there are multiple thoughts and feelings throughout all the family when separation or divorce occurs. Not the least of which is anxiety in the child. This is a big topic and the point of this article is not about anxiety specifically.

There is one important factor that is worth reflecting on when a family goes through the pain of separation. That is simply how does the child read you and your reaction to the situation.

In working with children whose parents were recently separated, one major factor they would chat about was how they felt their parents were coping. They would easily recognise emotion such as anger, frustration and hurt but they were particularly focussed on how this may change their relationship with their parent. They became concerned that the preoccupations of the parents would reduce or change their relationship with them. To the child they were unsettled about how they were now seen in the light of the parents. Of course, no clear understanding of this would be given to the parent as the child acts cautiously around the emotionally charged parent. After all they do not want to worsen the pain.

As a parent going through such a major emotional turmoil, any wonder that the child questions their place in the family.

Here are some tips on how to ease this concern for your child.

What images does a child retain over a separation or divorce?

• Be open and honest with your child. This gives them reassurance that they fully understand what is changing in the family.

• Talk to them about how your love and closeness to the child has not changed but sometimes being upset can look confusing.

• When you feel that you cannot cope and unsettled emotions are close to the surface tell your child:

“Today I feel very sad about things and need some time to think about them. Just remember that I love you even though sometimes I am preoccupied in my head.”

• Take care not to be critical of your ex-partner in front of the child. This confuses them even more and a child can build resentment from hearing negative talk. It makes them anxious and confused.

We all know that time passes and hopefully you heal from the hurt. What is said and done in the process can linger longer with the child in their mind. Words said and actions done can be longer term memories for the child. This tells us to be as a careful as possible with your child when going through the dark period.

On the bright side, a child will admire your courage in coping and the way you managed yourself. So much can be learnt by the child if they are kept well informed along the journey. Remember they are going through their own journey of grief.

This article just touches on the images that a child retains over a separation. A child’s big focus is how they are valued by their parents. Such value is seen at risk by the child when crisis hits the family.

Gentle, frequent reassurance and opportunities for positive experiences helps them understand that they are secure and still just as precious in your eyes.

“Walking the walk is the most important thing we can do for our kids.”

— Dr. Kelly  Bregman.

Try being child-like. It is a great leveller

One of the great advantages of being a parent is that your child will take you through all the stages of growth, physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally. They will reintroduce you to childlike ways. How much therapy can that be!

Playing with your children brings more benefits than you realise.

Whilst I appreciate our children can be exhausting and frustrating from time to time, they do give us such wonderful opportunities to relive our childhood in some way. Perhaps your childhood wasn’t so much fun, now is a time to enjoy the innocence and simple joy of being a child with your own child.

Sometimes being an adult and maintaining the pressure of living up to many and varied expectations can be very waring.

When you take time out to share in some fun and uncomplicated joy with your child, the world is a happier place to be. It also demonstrates to your child, that you can relax and share in their world, with all its magic and imagination. You are modelling that their world has its own charm and meaning in which you want to share. You are valuing their world and not placing expectations on them to be sensible, grown up etc.

In working with children, I was in a very blessed space as a workplace. If I wanted to ease the pressure of the office, I would often enjoy playing the games on the yard with the students, join in netball games, share in choir etc. I certainly felt better from being part of their world. I would return to the office much refreshed.

Consider:

• Visiting sandpits and together play in them. Beaches are wonderful spaces to play in the sand, no matter what age the child. They provide a wonderful climate to play sport such as cricket etc. Notice all the fun, families have on beaches in Summer. Beaches provide entertainment for all.

• Playing formal games at home. Simple games such as monopoly can provide hours of fun.

• Play Lego with the children. Are you as creative or as skilled as them?

• Drama is a great imaginative tool. Act out simple plays and stories together. Children love the dress ups. Join in with them. Sometimes using music, singing together leads to much joy. Dramatizing books being read is also a great fun way to engage.

• Physical activities such as bike riding together, rollerblading and other active games in the park can lead to so much enjoyment.

• Children love to write imaginative stories. You can join in and add sections to it.

• Draw together. This can be even using chalk on the concrete.

• Invite your child to recommend the game and join in. Younger children are very quick to create stories and adventures.

These considerations may not be new to you but the following reasoning is behind the idea of joining in the world of the child.

• It is mentally healthy to play and relax. What better way than to do it with your children.

• As an adult taking a break from being a grown up is a positive way to improve mental health. Sometimes maintaining the adult in you is hard work.

• By joining in with your child, you relive some memories and trigger some smiles. All positive for everyone concerned.

• Finally, who says we have to lose all our childhood and grow up.

A better-balanced adult who can see life from many angles including that of a child is a more interesting person with high emotional intelligence.

“Be small and childlike. There is no simpler, better way to see the big picture. ”

—   Keep life simple Therapy. Linus Mundy

Just be yourself

Have you ever noticed how we alter our behaviour, body language etc. when we are talking to our children?

Are we ever consistent in the way we communicate with them?

It is easy to understand that mood, temperament, personality etc. can influence how we talk to our children. This article is about being consistent when you talk to a child in the following ways:

Your child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face.

• Keep the same tone of voice with the child. This applies to any situation whether upset, or simply instructing a child. The same tone of voice ensures the child will listen with more intent.

• When we talk, introduce what you have to say as clearly as possible. The more complicated we talk to our children, the quicker they disconnect from what we have to say.

“I want to talk to you about the toys in your bedroom. We need to think about where we put them.”

• Keep your language simple. This is especially the case with younger children and when we have something important to say to our child.

• Using the same tone of voice, do not imitate other people when talking. A child knows you very well and they expect and trust the legitimate you.

• Consider the volume of your voice and be consistent with using the same volume. Try keeping a gentle tone in the voice. Children are quick to pick up a change of attitude through the volume and tone of voice. It is a strong cue to your mood and temperament.

• Try keeping a positive tone to your conversations. Being optimistic tells the child that we look on the bright side of life. It teaches them that optimism is an enlivening way to communicate.

When you are simply being consistent in how you talk, consistent in how you behave and react to situations, the child feels that they can trust the legitimacy of your words. They are more inclined to listen with interest and will not disengage when they sense a change of tone etc.

 I always remember a child saying to me on one occasion:

“Why are you speaking differently to me, Mrs Smith?”

When I reflected on this it was because I was in a hurry, a little annoyed and anxious to move on with another matter.  I wasn’t expecting to be dealing with the issue concerning this child. How pointless was the conversation with the child and how damaging to their image of how I communicated with them? Could they rely on how I spoke to them next time?

Whilst I appreciate being consistent is not always easy, consider the following tips to help:

• Don’t say anything if you are not able to operate well with the child. No damage is done from being silent.

• Tell the child that today I feel unwell or unable to have a chat so we will follow it through when things are normal. Be of course honest in why you are postponing the conversation.

• Try smiling more and give good eye contact to your child. Don’t forget humour is helpful in being relaxed and being yourself.

• Sit comfortably and be in a relaxed state when chatting about matters.

• Busy, noisy places tend to cause us to react and we become busy, noisy, people ourselves.

This article is simply reminding us that the child deserves you in all its authenticity and human face. They feel safer and more secure when they are talking to their parent whom they know and love and most importantly is consistent, predictable and trustworthy.

“Being authentic will radiate more pure energy than trying to be an ideal person.”

— Christian Lonsdale

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

Take care with words

Sometimes words stick! Especially if they are offensive.

The old saying:

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” …

Remember, children don’t always hear the whole sentence and can take in one word only.

Totally untrue! I would say that most issues on the school yard that ended in fights were caused by the use of inappropriate words, simply name calling.

In my experience angry, upset children who were cross with their parents, teachers or friends would talk about the words that were used against them.

“Don’t be silly. The answer is in the book”

“You play footy like a monkey. You walk funny.”

Now in each of the above statements the person speaking would naturally deny that they called a child a name. Actually, all the child heard was the name and that made them feel very uncomfortable and hurt. They quickly identified with the name.

“That was a silly thing to do. The lid was clearly on the bench.”

All the child hears is that they were called “silly” while the person making the statement would say that they referred to the act of being silly and not the person. Too late! All that is heard and interpreted is the word “silly”.

Teachers often find themselves in a dilemma with students if they slip in their use of such words. They take care not to use words like silly, dumb stupid etc. as the child takes on the message that it refers to them.

Here are some common words we often use in our language. These are words which children internalise and consequently feel poorly as a result. Once the word is heard, the rest of what is said falls short.

Words such as silly, dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, lazy, careless, selfish, ignorant. I have heard children complaining of all of the above words being used on them.

Using words that are internalised by the child, even though you were not intending them to be personalised are often remembered for quite a while with children.

It is best to take the safest route with children and avoid such words in your conversations no matter in what context you were using them.

You would be surprised how quickly those words do hurt them and chip away at their feelings of self-worth.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will definitely hurt me!”

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.

The big question, “But why?”

How often do our children ask us why? Often due to fatigue we just simply say “because” or “I said so.”

This response has a very short shelf life and the child will come back with more questions. The purpose of this article is to recognise that answering a child with honesty and truth is so important. If we do not offer reasonable explanations, it is common practice that they will seek answers elsewhere and this is not recommended.

Of course, younger children may ask many questions which can become tedious and repetitive. However, it is important to start the habit early of giving the child a reasonable response that is clear and accurate.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

• Keep your responses short and to the point.

• Always check in with your child if they understood your response. Keep the question on hold if you can’t answer straight away.

• If you do not know the answer then say so.

“I don’t know why that car is damaged”

• If you do not have the answer but can find the answer later, just say so.

“I don’t know why the tree is damaged. I will find out and tell you later.”

• Affirm the child for being inquisitive and show interest in the inquiring nature of the child.

“You have many questions. I can see how interested you are in so many things.”

Try not to shut the child down when asking questions, especially if they tend to repeat the same questions. This often means that they are still unclear about the reasons given.

The questioning is a normal part of growing up. The key point here is to let your child know that you value the question and will answer when you have the information.

This is all about bringing the child back to the same source, the parent when asking questions.

When working with children, it was important to listen carefully to the questions being asked as they were a key to how the child felt about a particular situation. It also was an entry point to talk about important matters.

“Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.”

Teachers use an inquiry method of teaching which is all about the child asking questions and working through the learning by posing questions.

                “You seem concerned about your maths test. Do you want to discuss it now?”

When a child asks repeated questions about the same topic it could be a cue that they have worries or concerns that need to be addressed. Simply respond to the series of questions by saying,

“Something is on your mind and I would like us to talk about it when you are ready.”

Children asking questions give us a clue to how they are processing, what are their interests and what preoccupies their thinking. This is helpful in supporting their needs physically and emotionally.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

Above all, give the strong impression to the child that questioning about the world, how they feel and what makes us tick are all part of being a healthy, mentally active child who does not feel the boundaries of controlling their thinking.

“Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot.”

—  pininterest.com

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

Careful with the language you use around children.

The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.

Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.

The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.

• Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.

• In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.

• Try to build in positive, reassuring language:

“I love that happy face when we clean your room”

“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”

• Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.

• Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.

• In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.

• Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.

• Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.

In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.

Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.

Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.

Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.

Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.

If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult.  Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.

If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.

Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell, Evangelical Christian Pastor.