Teach your child to develop staying power

So much of this modern technologically driven world is all about fast moving, immediate satisfaction and moving on quickly. Sometimes this flows on into other aspects of a child’s life - finding grit and sustaining the effort. Perseverance is a key word here and it is all about a child keeping on trying, having a go and showing determination to achieve a task. It is easy to say that this doesn’t suit me and so I will just move on to something else less arduous.

As a parent, it is valuable to talk about how rewarding it is to persevere and the process of doing something, carrying it through its stages, is really the success criteria. How often do our children see the value of just having go and being consistent in their efforts to achieve a tricky goal. The more we encourage them to stay motivated over difficult tasks, the better they grow in valuing their own capabilities.

Here are several strategies you can use to encourage staying power in your children.

I appreciate that this is not an easy task but there are several strategies you can teach them to keep up the staying power.  

• Talk about the staying power you need sometimes to complete a task. For example, have you started gym and find it difficult but you are determined to keep going top reap the benefits?

• Perhaps you are studying at work. Talk about the rigour and effort you need to put into simply getting better. Put simply, no pain, no gain.

• Talk about the success you feel personally when you go through the trials and difficulties of working at something.

• If your child is involved in sporting activities such a swimming club etc., the effort to get better, increase fitness and performance can be quite demanding. Talk about how the child feels after they succeed.

• Set simple goals with your child.

“I know you are keen to get better at Maths. Let’s put an extra twenty minutes into learning maths at the end of every day.”

Once goals are set and achieved, talk about the process and how putting effort into the process had such successful outcomes.

In working with children who were reluctant to push themselves, we would start by talking about people they knew that were successful, especially their heroes. We talked about how they got to be so successful and focussed on the great efforts and sacrifice they made to achieve their goals. We then talked about simple tasks that the child achieved with some effort. It was about building on small strengths.

Teachers are very skilled at building on small achievements with children. They affirm regularly and celebrate when the child takes that extra leap with effort. For a parent, it is about being alert to any staying power that the child demonstrates and affirming the effort. Keep in mind here that we are not always affirming the result, but the progressive effort and endurance shown by the child.

As humans, we are very in tune with avoiding the hard yards and sometimes choosing the easier route. Demonstrate to the child that sometimes going that extra distance gives tenfold results. Act as a coach and give guidance not direction or instructions.

“Great effort. So, you think that in a week you will be able to speed up on your spelling test. What will you do to achieve this goal?”

Here you are listening to their desire to improve and supporting them with some guidelines for small improvements.

Helping the child increase their staying power is about strengthening their self-resolve.

“It always seems impossible until it is done.”

— Nelson Mandela

A few thoughts on supporting children when separation occurs

Tricky times for everyone when this occurs.

It is so natural to get caught up with your own emotional roller coaster, that reflecting on the child’s emotional state can be secondary. Often a child will go quiet when separation occurs. In their minds they are waying up how valued they are in the parent’s eyes.

A child will often become worried that if one parent has gone, will they lose the other parent? This was quite common in discussion with children going through a family separation. Also their sense of being valued seemed at risk.

Being silent does not mean that children are coping with the situation.

Given that they become emotionally anxious, it was also common for a child to slip back academically and to feel socially less secure. A child looks carefully for signs of reassurance from parents when family circumstances change.

I appreciate the above sounds daunting. However, with careful planning and engaging your child in the transformation of the family, they come through with a reassured sense of their place in the new structures of the family.

Here are some suggestions to help with the journey of separation.

• Keep your child in the loop within reason. There is nothing more insecure for a child than not being aware of what is really happening. Being honest is very important to the child, who will look for information elsewhere if not been given the truth. They will also imagine the worst if unsure about their position in the family.

• Remember that a child loves both parents and no matter how you feel toward your ex-partner, to the child, they are still very important in their life. How you manage this is an individual family matter. The important factor here is to remember that your child has a totally different perspective to yourself on their other parent.

• Speak in gentle terms to the child about why the relationship has broken down. They do not need to hear and feel the hostility or anger you may feel yourself.

• Investing in a counsellor is very helpful as it gives the child the opportunity to talk independently to someone they trust. It enables them to express their feelings which can be difficult in the home setting for fear of upsetting the parent.

In my experience if a parent’s behaviour is quite reactive and volatile, the child will go very quiet and shut down with the parent. Being silent does not mean that they are coping with the situation.

There are some excellent children’s books on separation and divorce. These are excellent to read together in a safe and happy space.

As a parent you have much on your mind and you are of course going through your own traumas, grief etc. Choose your time wisely when talking to your child about the separation. If you are not feeling up to it then delay the chat. Better to have quality time together then broken and unsettling conversations.

Remember it is important for a child to feel happy. Even though life is tough remember to play, laugh and enjoy your child.

As custody orders come into the business of separation and divorce, take care to ensure that what is arranged is the least unsettling for the child. Include them in making decisions about what to pack, where to meet the other parent, etc. They need to take some ownership of this process overtime. This gives them more personal security.

Be careful with idle and loose conversations around the child. They are particularly sensitive to conversations around them when they are feeling vulnerable.

The age of the child when the separation occurs is important to understand how your sensitive talk goes with the child.  A younger child should be spoken to very gently, calmly and not in long protracted explanations. They will catch on to what you say and feel the anxiety very quickly.

Remember that as the child grows with the separation, they will need to keep understanding how they fit into shifting family arrangements. This is especially the case when new partners enter the relationship or the parent goes through significant changes in their life.

Their journey in the family split is quite different from your experience. They will understand and reflect on it from different perspectives as they grow older. Their grief is also different and so we need to respect their right to travel through the journey of separation in their own way and in their own time.

“Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be.”

— GPS Grace Power Strength

How much worry about your child should a parent take?

As a parent we think about so many aspects of our child. Will they grow well? Is this the right school for them? What if they don’t find friends? What if they don’t eat their vegetable and so the tedious list of worries morphs into bigger worries as the child grows.

It can be exhausting for parents. The weight and fear of the unknown can be quite a burden. Often our caution lends itself to over protection.

Do you worry too much about your child?

When introducing new families to school at prep I was always curious to hear of their worries for their child. I think back to these same parents as we farewelled their last child from primary school. How often we laughed together at the innumerable fears and anxieties parents held about their children in earlier years.

Take note, I am not suggesting that genuine interest and natural anxieties should not be the norm for parents. I am saying that sometimes we over worry and put long term fears into our anxiety about our child. By doing this we become focussed on wanting to prevent or solve the problem before it happens. This sets up barriers to development. The other concern is that our fears influence how we engage with our children and sometimes this can impact on our relationship with them. A common fear that I often heard from parents was

“If my child is not successful at……. they will lose their confidence forever.”

This is clearly not so!

Afterall, does worrying about the unknown, long-term future have any purpose?

This article suggests that we should think more about the short-term issues with children. If handled well, the longer-term issues take care of themselves. As the child takes on more independence, they do not seek out our involvement in solving problems, or making solutions for them. They simply want the right to own their own experiences. When working with children I would sometimes put it to the child

“Do you want mum or dad to solve this for you?”

In most cases the answer was “no”. The child would rather go through the struggle than have their independent right to solve the problem taken from them.

In the light of this information, I put it to parents that worrying over your child excessively is simply a waste of time. Putting this energy into being joyous about your child’s development is better use of family energy and has a positive, healthy effect on the child.

Life changes, your child may go in different directions and show completely new interest where it wasn’t before. These are just some variables and surprises out of your control.

Concentrating on the here and now and the practical issue is easier on your well being and does not inflate the possibility of bigger problems. It is actually quite the reverse.

So, I suggest put all your worries about your child into a much smaller, more manageable basket and wait with excitement and anticipation for all the twists and turns that will be part of a child’s development.

Be optimistic and excited about the unknown challenges that lie ahead for your child and the new challenges that this presents for you personally. This is so necessary for your well-being as a developing parent and life consultant to your child.

Fatherhood - such a precious space in the life of the child

Fatherhood comes in different forms as families are varied in shape size and structure. Some are fortunate to have their father present in their life most of the time. Some children, due to changed family circumstances have intermittent time with their father. Either way, the child needs and desires to have their dad in their lives. Having reduced time does not limit their desire to be around their father. 

A child in the early years feels secure in themselves, if they have a strong image of both their parents in their mind. A father brings his own dimension to the life of the child. He sees the world from his own perspective and a child wants to understand and model all the various characteristics they see in their father.

Children need to feel physically connected to their dad.

When we celebrate Father’s Day for some older people, it is a memory of lost opportunities with their father and it can bring our feelings of regret and grief if they had not satisfied themselves in feeling connected to their father. This article is simply to recommend some ideas to strengthen relationship with fathers and to remind us of their value in the life of the child.

As a family, find times when dad just simply spends some quiet time with their child.

In the same vein spending very active time with dad is also exciting as often the child feel connected to the things that makes dad happy. For example, fishing together, bike riding, hiking, camping etc. Sometimes doing these busy and active activities is a great source of joy a child can have with their father. Often little conversation is necessary.

The gentle side of being a dad can be seen by reading with your child. Also enjoying a movie together, playing games are all quite passive times where a father can talk to their child over a range of matters. It is important the child travels with their dad in various ways and as time passes, they begin to reflect on the role of father. The child grows to understand how multifaceted the role can be.

Showing interest in the child’s school life and being present at school-based activities means so much to the child. They are very aware of how much interest their father shows in their education.

A child will also notice how their dad works and operates in and through the family. They observe how they relate to their mother and other siblings. In so many ways, a father is modelling to a child their important role in the life of the family. They are particularly modelling the man’s perspective on life.

Both boys and girls also reflect on how their dad connects to all that is important and valued by the child. Children are quiet observers of their father and internalise how their dad responds to them. Their memories are long and their image of dad grows and matures overtime.

Being demonstrative as a dad is also important. I appreciate that we live in sensitive times but children need to feel physically connected to their dad and cuddles and hugs are much valued. They also demonstrate to the child that their father can express emotion easily.

In working with children, it was common that when talking about family, a child would be very inclusive in their discussion of parents as they valued the role of dad equally as with their mother. No matter how less they saw their father, they still gave them equal footing in importance in their life.  

Sometimes having the responsibility of being the father brings with it a feeling that you must always be in control. It is fair and reasonable to talk to your child about times when you had issues to work though in your life. A child respects and desires the authentic parent. They do not expect them to be invincible, but instead very real and present in their life.

I appreciate that we live in times that present many options for the child in terms of what constitutes a family. No matter how society presents family, the child loves and values the presence of their father in their life. As they grow and look for role models, they are especially keen to really know their father and to identify with him.

In all the years working with children, it was very clear that a child’s knowledge and feelings of security with their dad were vital in understanding their sense of being in the world. Having a strong presence in the life of the child is such an enriching and fulfilling process for the child.

“We need fathers to realise that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child, it’s the courage to raise one.”

— President Barak Obama.

Create space between yourself and your child can be a positive thing to do.

When your child is very little it is natural to keep the bonding strong and as such you will spend much time attaching to your child. As the child grows and they attend school, it is natural that you spend less time with them throughout the day.

All these changes are natural and expected. A child is gradually developing independence in variety of ways once their world broadens to kindergarten, school, sporting clubs, etc. This article talks about how it is valuable to find some personal time for yourself in the midst of a being a busy parent. This may involve leaving your child from time to time.

By providing space for yourself you are reminding yourself that you need to be valued and that personal space can be a form of strengthening your relationship with your child. You come back refreshed and ready to keep on with all the responsibilities that you have as a parent.

An important aspect to creating some personal space is to teach your child that even though their development and needs are given the highest priority, their parents also need to keep nourishing themselves as adults. This also teaches your child that you need to be nurtured as well.

If we spend every wakeful hour with our child, we do not give them a chance to breathe in a different space. They need to grow in awareness that their parents are adults and they too need their own form of comfort and support. This does not always include the child and that’s OK.

Given that the child develops excitement and joy in knowing that you are enjoying yourself than they grow less selfish and recognise that supporting your personal space is a way of caring for you, the parent. The more the child sees themselves as part of a family where all members need support not just themselves, the more emotional growth steps in and broadens their young horizons.

“Give yourself the space to listen to your own voice-your own soul. Too many of us listen to the noise of the world and get lost in the crowd.”

— @MARCANDANGEL Healthy Place .com

Asking for help and questioning is a good thing to do.

As an adult do you find it natural to ask for help? Do you find asking questions difficult?

Often, we excuse ourselves and treat it as a natural process to ask for help. We are not embarrassed or feel awkward.  Of course, you can feel uncomfortable about asking for help. Generally as we get older we show more maturity about asking questions. It seems a normal response.

Children need to acquire the skill of asking for help and questioning. If they acquire this skill from an early age it becomes a natural way of operating and is understood to be the best and the most natural response when you don’t know the answer to any situation. I refer to its acquisition as a skill, so that we understand the very real value in simply asking questions and seeking help.

Some children, especially those that worry about making mistakes, can be reticent to ask for help. After all, does it suggest failure and a recognition to those around you that you do not know the answer?

What will people think of me?

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning.

One of the most contemporary methods of teaching is the Inquiry Approach which is based totally around asking questions. In fact, the bigger the question, the better scope to learn. This tells us that asking questions is recognised as an important way of learning and living from day to day.

If you have a child reticent to ask questions and seeking help when needed, the following suggestions may help encourage them to see the value in questioning.

• Talk to your child about how you like to ask questions to get more information. Highlight the time that seeking help solved your problem.

“Thank goodness I asked for directions on that trip. We would never have arrived on time without some assistance.”

“I asked your teacher how I could help you with homework and she gave me some excellent ideas. Without her help I would never know what to do.”

• Talk about famous people who ask many questions to get their work complete. Scientists, doctors etc. are all professions that rely on gathering more information through questioning to help with their work.

• When a child talks about a problem, list some questions that they could ask to get the problem solved.

“You seem unsure about that homework. Let’s think about some questions to get help from the teacher. For example:

1.    When do you hand the homework to the teacher?

2.    What part of the homework is the most difficult?

3.    Is it better to spread the homework over several days?

4.    Do you need more time to do this work?

5.     Which part of the homework is the easiest?

• Bringing questions into play is all about breaking down the anxiety about the problem. Ensuring that it is all manageable. Questioning and seeking help also is seen as a legitimate way of moving from not knowing to being informed.

When working with children who were reticent to ask questions or generally seek help in the classroom, we would turn it into a game. I would ask a question about a set problem and they would respond. Then it was their turn to ask a question about the problem. We would calculate who could ask the most questions about the problem we set down and who gained the most information.

Also affirming the child when they asked questions or seek help spontaneously is always a great tool used in the classroom. Try it at home.

“Well done, that question was a great one.”

“I am so glad you asked me to help you.”

“I like that question. It has got me thinking.”

Seeking help, asking questions should become a natural process of learning in which the child feels comfortable and invites others into their process of thinking. We feel less anxious and personally vulnerable when we seek help and question. Both a natural way of life.

“The art of proposing a question must be held of higher value than solving it.”

— George Cantor

Is your child developing a growth mindset?

Call it what you like but this is all about teaching your child that you can look at life in various ways. The best and most positive way to go forward is to develop a growth mindset and not a fixed mindset. This is all about looking at situations and seeing how it can be understood from a position that will lead to growth, new understandings etc.

This is all about understanding that the growth of your capabilities is all about how you manage it. As a parent we encourage our child to see situations as positive opportunities rather than having a fixed outlook. For example, if a child comes home from school and talks about how he didn’t play well at lunchtime with his friends and so he will not play with them again. After all he feels better to not go where he has failed. This is definitely a fixed mindset. Rather we would be teaching our child to consider talking to his friends about the game or perhaps playing a different game with them. Whatever the discussion, it is about not seeing the incident as failure but an opportunity for growth.  

We can help develop enlightening in the child, the idea that we learn from anything we do.

“Sounds like you need to talk to your friends about games that work for everyone.”

Frequently talking this way about incidences that have not gone well is teaching the child that there are many ways at looking at situations and the best way forward can be to use a failed situation to improve yourself.

“You seem upset that the test didn’t go well. How about talking to the teacher about what went wrong so that you can get better at that problem.”

Here you are reflecting on the fixed outcome and turning it into an opportunity.

“Oh, dear the sandcastle fell down. Let’s look in the bucket to see how we can make a better one.”

By having the mindset that you will encourage your child to see the problem from a growth aspect teaches them how to approach situations that are not successful. Also, in your own life modelling how, you reflect on failed situations, turning them into a learnt process is important for the child to observe how you manage situations.

In working with children that felt unsuccessful and would give up easily, teachers would often invite them to set small goals or simply lay out in front of them different ways to see the problem. This was all about looking at re-framing the issue.

When I worked with children who seemed to have a fixed mindset about situations, we would discuss all the positive things that could be derived from the situation. We would often list them and discuss what we learnt from them.

“You seem to be unhappy that you cannot do spelling very well. Let’s look at the words you got correct that shows that you can spell”.

This article is about enlightening in the child the idea that we learn from anything we do. This especially includes when things go wrong. These occasions give us a chance to continue to get better. It is all about finding that hope is in every situation if you look hard enough.

“Anyone who has not made a mistake has never tried anything. ”

— Albert Einstein

Does your child overthink matters?

Children vary so much in how they process information. Of course, this is all part of their overall growth. Some children though overthink matters and can build anxiety in looking at all the possibilities and where it can go all wrong. Mentally they measure out the situation in their mind and show reticence in putting themselves forward. Some children look for the negative in a situation and become so concerned about the risk and potential fear related to the challenge.

Of course, there are some children who simply plough ahead and do not reflect on risk or outcomes at all. These children are often more easy going and are often thought to be more carefree and risk taking.

However, for our overthinkers life can be a little trickier as they negotiate their way through the maze of school matters, home pressures, friendship groups etc. As parents we can look at some strategies to help them relax more and just simply enjoy the undulating ride of childhood.

Here are a few suggestions.

• If your child looks worried or seems to be processing information too slowly try saying

Here are some tips to help your child to process information without overthinking matters.

“What positives have just been heard?”

“How can we make this a simple thought?”

• When a child shows that they are overthinking, break it up for them.

“Ok so you have a test. Let’s talk about that.”

“What part of the test is on your mind?”

Talk positively about matters that can lead to overthinking. Ensure that in your conversation there is a level of optimism and hope.

In working with children, I would often invite the child to write down what was on their mind and together we would break it up into possibilities. This helped them learn to cope with situations that at first seemed too difficult. Getting them to repeat back what was on their mind made it easier to break up the concerns into possibilities.

Sometimes overthinkers are worried about being right or anxious about making errors. What we need to do is to remind them that we reward effort not necessarily outcome.

“You seem to be thinking a lot about the race tomorrow.”

“Well done for having a go and working through what is on your mind. Let’s talk about the concerns you have for tomorrow.”

The idea here is to teach the child that overthinking can lead to too much worry and unnecessary complication. Best to look at situations in a simple, positive and possible way.

What to be aware of when separation occurs.

No question about it, there are multiple thoughts and feelings throughout all the family when separation or divorce occurs. Not the least of which is anxiety in the child. This is a big topic and the point of this article is not about anxiety specifically.

There is one important factor that is worth reflecting on when a family goes through the pain of separation. That is simply how does the child read you and your reaction to the situation.

In working with children whose parents were recently separated, one major factor they would chat about was how they felt their parents were coping. They would easily recognise emotion such as anger, frustration and hurt but they were particularly focussed on how this may change their relationship with their parent. They became concerned that the preoccupations of the parents would reduce or change their relationship with them. To the child they were unsettled about how they were now seen in the light of the parents. Of course, no clear understanding of this would be given to the parent as the child acts cautiously around the emotionally charged parent. After all they do not want to worsen the pain.

As a parent going through such a major emotional turmoil, any wonder that the child questions their place in the family.

Here are some tips on how to ease this concern for your child.

What images does a child retain over a separation or divorce?

• Be open and honest with your child. This gives them reassurance that they fully understand what is changing in the family.

• Talk to them about how your love and closeness to the child has not changed but sometimes being upset can look confusing.

• When you feel that you cannot cope and unsettled emotions are close to the surface tell your child:

“Today I feel very sad about things and need some time to think about them. Just remember that I love you even though sometimes I am preoccupied in my head.”

• Take care not to be critical of your ex-partner in front of the child. This confuses them even more and a child can build resentment from hearing negative talk. It makes them anxious and confused.

We all know that time passes and hopefully you heal from the hurt. What is said and done in the process can linger longer with the child in their mind. Words said and actions done can be longer term memories for the child. This tells us to be as a careful as possible with your child when going through the dark period.

On the bright side, a child will admire your courage in coping and the way you managed yourself. So much can be learnt by the child if they are kept well informed along the journey. Remember they are going through their own journey of grief.

This article just touches on the images that a child retains over a separation. A child’s big focus is how they are valued by their parents. Such value is seen at risk by the child when crisis hits the family.

Gentle, frequent reassurance and opportunities for positive experiences helps them understand that they are secure and still just as precious in your eyes.

“Walking the walk is the most important thing we can do for our kids.”

— Dr. Kelly  Bregman.

Try being child-like. It is a great leveller

One of the great advantages of being a parent is that your child will take you through all the stages of growth, physically, intellectually, socially and emotionally. They will reintroduce you to childlike ways. How much therapy can that be!

Playing with your children brings more benefits than you realise.

Whilst I appreciate our children can be exhausting and frustrating from time to time, they do give us such wonderful opportunities to relive our childhood in some way. Perhaps your childhood wasn’t so much fun, now is a time to enjoy the innocence and simple joy of being a child with your own child.

Sometimes being an adult and maintaining the pressure of living up to many and varied expectations can be very waring.

When you take time out to share in some fun and uncomplicated joy with your child, the world is a happier place to be. It also demonstrates to your child, that you can relax and share in their world, with all its magic and imagination. You are modelling that their world has its own charm and meaning in which you want to share. You are valuing their world and not placing expectations on them to be sensible, grown up etc.

In working with children, I was in a very blessed space as a workplace. If I wanted to ease the pressure of the office, I would often enjoy playing the games on the yard with the students, join in netball games, share in choir etc. I certainly felt better from being part of their world. I would return to the office much refreshed.

Consider:

• Visiting sandpits and together play in them. Beaches are wonderful spaces to play in the sand, no matter what age the child. They provide a wonderful climate to play sport such as cricket etc. Notice all the fun, families have on beaches in Summer. Beaches provide entertainment for all.

• Playing formal games at home. Simple games such as monopoly can provide hours of fun.

• Play Lego with the children. Are you as creative or as skilled as them?

• Drama is a great imaginative tool. Act out simple plays and stories together. Children love the dress ups. Join in with them. Sometimes using music, singing together leads to much joy. Dramatizing books being read is also a great fun way to engage.

• Physical activities such as bike riding together, rollerblading and other active games in the park can lead to so much enjoyment.

• Children love to write imaginative stories. You can join in and add sections to it.

• Draw together. This can be even using chalk on the concrete.

• Invite your child to recommend the game and join in. Younger children are very quick to create stories and adventures.

These considerations may not be new to you but the following reasoning is behind the idea of joining in the world of the child.

• It is mentally healthy to play and relax. What better way than to do it with your children.

• As an adult taking a break from being a grown up is a positive way to improve mental health. Sometimes maintaining the adult in you is hard work.

• By joining in with your child, you relive some memories and trigger some smiles. All positive for everyone concerned.

• Finally, who says we have to lose all our childhood and grow up.

A better-balanced adult who can see life from many angles including that of a child is a more interesting person with high emotional intelligence.

“Be small and childlike. There is no simpler, better way to see the big picture. ”

—   Keep life simple Therapy. Linus Mundy

The value of being proactive

How many times in our daily interactions with our children do we become reactive, emotionally charged given that disasters have happened? This is quite normal in our busy, complicated lives and when the incidence happens, behaviour deteriorates. We naturally react, after all it has to be dealt with sometimes on the spot. Unfortunate words are used, regrets then follow and of course we become concerned that we have damaged our relationship with our children. Does this sound like a normal scenario in your house? Parents would often tell me how tired they felt after these confrontations.

This article is all about practising the art of being proactive. I refer to it as an art, as it takes practice and skill to avoid problems, foresee tricky situations and carefully negotiate your way around them.

Being proactive has some wonderful outcomes both for child and parent:

Be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand for a smoother day for all.

• It slows down everyone’s anxiety.

• It makes for a calmer house - a quieter, less disruptive house.

• It reduces conflict. Everyone enjoys the freedom from conflict.

• It provides opportunities to affirm your child rather that disciplining them following an incident.

• It causes less reaction and children feel more secure and less conscious of making mistakes.

Yes, there is much going for being proactive.

Here are some suggestions on learning the art of being proactive.

• Check your daily plan. Are there occasions where your child could be unsettled. For example, supermarket visits. Is it possible to change schedules and can they be excluded from them?

• Be aware of tiredness levels. If the activities planned are physically demanding and back to back, perhaps reducing activities so they cope better is the answer. Fatigue can be an immediate trigger for the change in a child’s behaviour.  It often affects their ability to listen and so the escalation of poor behaviour continues unabated.

• Attending meetings, appointments in the morning is always less stressful for children. Be planned. Take with you happy distractions when attending appointments etc.

• Talk to your child before going out in the day. Let them know what will happen and let them suggest how they can plan to be content and fulfilled during events.

• If you have some news to tell them that will cause some anxiety, think through how you will talk to them and choose appropriate time  and place to chat about the matter.

• At the end of the day check in with them.

“Thanks for being helpful today. I was able to get all the things done we needed to do.”

• Look at the layout of your house. Is it set up to ensure less accidents, broken objects etc? It is amazing how rearranging furniture, the television etc. can impact on a child’s ability to cope in the house. Teachers would often rearrange desks and tables to introduce a new way of just being in the classroom.

• If sibling fighting is occurring more than normal, check where the children are situated. Are they visible to yourself? Are there occasions where they can be separated to reduce tension? Do you know the triggers to the dispute?

• Is your yard set up for activities that the children can enjoy and be active? Home yards are great environments in which to destress when tension mounts in the house. Even short five-minute breaks reduce the pressure between children.

• Short, sharp breaks with your children help ward off incidences. If for example, in the shopping centre, can you stop and have a drink etc. to break the mounting tension?

• Sometimes it is a matter of stopping the activity midstream so that you do not become reactive when behaviour is deteriorating. Read the signs that your child gives you.

• Check on your own capabilities, wellness and fatigue. If you are not able to positively manage the day activities can things be changed or simply reduced? A simple reduction can make such a difference to a child’s ability to cope.

• Use simple “I” statements to alert your child about the situation.

“I am feeling unwell at the moment. Please play outside and I will talk to you later about the matter.”

When working with children it was most important to engage with them when I felt ready, had adequate time and was able to offer something positive in the conversation. Whilst this sounds ideal, the point here was to not destroy the relationship by being reactive in how I spoke due to being rushed, distracted etc.

Teachers are well aware that to get the best from their children, their personal readiness, wellness and mental fitness is necessary otherwise chaos can prevail and then they deal with reactive behaviours for the day.

It is natural to be dealing with all sorts of incidences that crop up throughout your day as a parent. This article is reminding us to be alert to possible issues that can get out of hand. Finding ways to avoid such incidences is a very positive and heathy approach to parenting.

“Being successful requires being proactive and not waiting for life to come to you. It means you’re on offense. Not defence. You’re active not passive.”

— Benjamin P Hardy

Take care with words

Sometimes words stick! Especially if they are offensive.

The old saying:

“Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me” …

Remember, children don’t always hear the whole sentence and can take in one word only.

Totally untrue! I would say that most issues on the school yard that ended in fights were caused by the use of inappropriate words, simply name calling.

In my experience angry, upset children who were cross with their parents, teachers or friends would talk about the words that were used against them.

“Don’t be silly. The answer is in the book”

“You play footy like a monkey. You walk funny.”

Now in each of the above statements the person speaking would naturally deny that they called a child a name. Actually, all the child heard was the name and that made them feel very uncomfortable and hurt. They quickly identified with the name.

“That was a silly thing to do. The lid was clearly on the bench.”

All the child hears is that they were called “silly” while the person making the statement would say that they referred to the act of being silly and not the person. Too late! All that is heard and interpreted is the word “silly”.

Teachers often find themselves in a dilemma with students if they slip in their use of such words. They take care not to use words like silly, dumb stupid etc. as the child takes on the message that it refers to them.

Here are some common words we often use in our language. These are words which children internalise and consequently feel poorly as a result. Once the word is heard, the rest of what is said falls short.

Words such as silly, dumb, stupid, ugly, ridiculous, lazy, careless, selfish, ignorant. I have heard children complaining of all of the above words being used on them.

Using words that are internalised by the child, even though you were not intending them to be personalised are often remembered for quite a while with children.

It is best to take the safest route with children and avoid such words in your conversations no matter in what context you were using them.

You would be surprised how quickly those words do hurt them and chip away at their feelings of self-worth.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will definitely hurt me!”

The importance of keeping attachment strong.

Attachment of the parent and child starts well before birth. The desire to attach, be comforted and feel secure, is such a precious and necessary part of our development. Young parents work hard to ensure that bonding happens early with the infant. As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.  

When the child starts school there is certainly giant leaps in the desire to develop independence, but be aware that they still want their attachment with their parents, strong and consistent. As they reach out for independence, consider the following important facts which contribute to healthy bonding.

As the child grows and reaches out for independence, the need to be strongly attached is still ever-present but it takes on different forms.

• From time to time, simply repeat how much you love them. Perhaps you merely love all the precious things they do. The message is simply that you are bonded to them through unconditional love.

• When they reach for more independence, just reassure them that you are always available.

“It sounds like you really want to walk home independently. Just remember I am around if you need me.”

If this is the case, talk to your child about how you always felt that your parents were there. Discuss how this made you feel.

• Talk to your child about what makes them feel happy. Do they trust that you are always present for them even in difficult times? This is worthy of discussion.

• As a family are you openly affectionate? Being affectionate with cuddles and sitting together closely is an important part of feeling bonded. This can happen with children of all ages. There is not a time of growing out of this habit. Although as a teenager they may give you some grief about being affectionate around peers. This is natural!

• Write occasional notes to them about how much you love them. Put these notes in their lunchbox or bedroom. These are just little surprises. They are reassuring reminders.

• Talk positively about your child in front of others. Let them hear what you publicly feel about them.

• If you were fortunate enough to have loving parents yourself, talk about how you felt attached to your parents. What special gifts did they have which brought you together?

• Spend time with your child at bedtime. Talk about the special things that make you feel close to your child. Be quite specific.

• Do practical, happy activities together such as singing, dancing, camping and doing interdependent activities such as cooking, cycling etc. All these ongoing activities remind the child that they are happily attached to their parents and sharing common grounds when it comes to enjoying life.

Throughout their growing years keeping attachment steady is all about reassuring the child that whatever the growth curves, you still love the child unconditionally.

When I became a Principal, I was disappointed that I had lost a strong contact with children as I was not actively involved in their teaching. From time to time, I would produce and direct school plays and I felt the closeness once again with students as we were bonded closely throughout the play, having a common purpose.

To keep your family attachment strong, you need to work on building the family story together and sharing in substantial parts of your lives across different periods.   

“The propensity to makes strong bonds to particular individuals is a basic component of human nature. ”

— John Bowlby, www.allaboutpsychology.com

Some anxiety is quite normal

Do we worry about our children becoming anxious?

Some parents become quite concerned about their child having some anxiety and as such work on overdrive to take it all away. Sadly, as school Principal, I came across some situations where parents would not send their children to school on certain days if they felt anxious about any matter such as friendships issues, tests, sports day etc. In the case of visiting elderly homes, a common excursion in schools, a few parents didn’t want their children to visit them in case it upset their child seeing an old person who may die.

A big discussion in education is the business of sport and rewarding children for winning races etc. Some schools have opted to only distribute involvement ribbons so that children will not be upset about not winning.

A child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way.

And so, the debate rages in education about the value of rewarding success over effort. This article is not about finding the right solution to the debate but it is all about suggesting that some anxiety is good for a child. Call it a necessary growth curve.

Children need to be exposed to opportunities in order to work through some anxiety. This often includes giving them more independence. Certainly more emotional independence.

“It seems that you feel a little anxious about the test today. Good luck. You are making the effort which is itself a success”

 It is here all about giving the child the skills to work through the anxiety.

“Good luck in the race. I am so pleased you are having a go. Well done.””

 The child may not win the race but will feel better for exposing themselves to the process. This feeling of being part of the race gives them a feeling of involvement and achievement.

“Today, I hear you are visiting an aged facility to visit older people. You will see many people who are struggling with their health and age. This is a normal part of growing older.””

Here it is about bringing them into the situation so that they feel connected to the journey. If for example they grow attached to an elderly person over several visits who happens to pass on, consider the empathy and understanding they develop for life and the awareness of accepting and seeing difference. Yes, they will have had anxiety about the situation but come out from this experience, richer and stronger emotionally. Their understanding of life has grown.

Avoiding anxious moments that are within reason only delays growth intellectually and emotionally.

The anxiety will keep appearing and the later it gets to manage it, the more difficult it is to recover.

Children are very aware of differences. This is obvious as early as prep when they begin to read.

Here you notice their awareness and some anxiety about not reading as well as other children suggest:

“I love the fact that you try so hard in reading. Every time you read; you are getting better”

The child will need to accept differences and appreciate and value their own capabilities which also comes with limits.

 A few final tips to help parents support children dealing with mild anxiety.

• Talk to your child about the things that make you anxious and tell them about the strategies you use to help work on the problem.

• Talk about anxiety as being part of life. We have it in many forms from rushing to be on time, to more anxious moments of performance in races, tests, work etc.

• Talk positively about how a child manages their anxiety.

“It sounds like you have to sing in the concert.  Of course you feel nervous. Well done for all the effort in practising. This is a great way to get ready for your performance.”

• Read stories to the child on how others overcame struggles and anxiety. There are wonderful books on building emotional stamina and overcoming anxiety suitable for children of all ages.

• Point out public figures (choose wisely) who have worked hard to overcome their anxieties. Children love hearing about sporting heroes such as basketballers etc.  They enjoy identifying with others who have worked on their anxieties and improved their emotional stamina.

Finally, a child who has success in working through mild anxieties is more resilient when bigger anxieties come their way. They develop a set of skills that give them the strength to work through issues. They are not left helpless swimming through anxiety that grows insurmountably causing them to withdraw.

The big question, “But why?”

How often do our children ask us why? Often due to fatigue we just simply say “because” or “I said so.”

This response has a very short shelf life and the child will come back with more questions. The purpose of this article is to recognise that answering a child with honesty and truth is so important. If we do not offer reasonable explanations, it is common practice that they will seek answers elsewhere and this is not recommended.

Of course, younger children may ask many questions which can become tedious and repetitive. However, it is important to start the habit early of giving the child a reasonable response that is clear and accurate.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

• Keep your responses short and to the point.

• Always check in with your child if they understood your response. Keep the question on hold if you can’t answer straight away.

• If you do not know the answer then say so.

“I don’t know why that car is damaged”

• If you do not have the answer but can find the answer later, just say so.

“I don’t know why the tree is damaged. I will find out and tell you later.”

• Affirm the child for being inquisitive and show interest in the inquiring nature of the child.

“You have many questions. I can see how interested you are in so many things.”

Try not to shut the child down when asking questions, especially if they tend to repeat the same questions. This often means that they are still unclear about the reasons given.

The questioning is a normal part of growing up. The key point here is to let your child know that you value the question and will answer when you have the information.

This is all about bringing the child back to the same source, the parent when asking questions.

When working with children, it was important to listen carefully to the questions being asked as they were a key to how the child felt about a particular situation. It also was an entry point to talk about important matters.

“Tell me more about how you felt when that happened.”

Teachers use an inquiry method of teaching which is all about the child asking questions and working through the learning by posing questions.

                “You seem concerned about your maths test. Do you want to discuss it now?”

When a child asks repeated questions about the same topic it could be a cue that they have worries or concerns that need to be addressed. Simply respond to the series of questions by saying,

“Something is on your mind and I would like us to talk about it when you are ready.”

Children asking questions give us a clue to how they are processing, what are their interests and what preoccupies their thinking. This is helpful in supporting their needs physically and emotionally.

A noisy, questioning child is less at risk than a quiet child who shuts down regularly.

Above all, give the strong impression to the child that questioning about the world, how they feel and what makes us tick are all part of being a healthy, mentally active child who does not feel the boundaries of controlling their thinking.

“Children will learn to explore when they are given the opportunities to do so and not given a reason why they cannot.”

—  pininterest.com

How important is it to be the winner with your child?

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others? Perhaps you have noticed some people who have very high tolerance and seem unaware of behaviour that you would find unaccepting. Sometimes we feel that if we let issues get away from us, the child will be completely lost, out of control and unmanageable. They grow up with little accountability, responsibility, etc.

This article is to remind us that we can let go a little and still find great success in managing our children. I have often reflected on all the children that went through my schools. I was fortunate to keep in touch with many and therefore, I had the joy in watching the children grow to young adulthood. Despite the struggles of parents and ups and downs in the family, most children grew into wonderfully well-rounded adults. Perhaps you could say “tongue in cheek” despite their parents!

What I learnt is that sometimes we take everything in rearing our children so seriously. They know and read our values very well. They also see how we live with them and around others. They notice our moods and temperaments and will often connect with us, subject to the ease with which we are approachable.

Ever thought about your tolerance level compared to others?

Above all we need to set the scene, to allow our children to engage comfortably with us. Sometimes in our conversations we outline valid points, but most of the time we aim to negotiate so that they also feel the winner. There are no rewards in parenting for being right all the time and for insisting on having your way. That borders on control and use of power.

 Consider the following in rearing your child:

• Be patient and understand that each situation is not the end of the world. It will pass and there will be other occasions to discuss as time goes by.

• Put things into proportion. It is a child’s problem and should be understood in that context. It will definitely pass and be replaced by yet another situation.

• Consider the long haul. You will be in discussion and negotiation with your child for years to come. Make it an enjoyable process for both of you.

• Sometimes letting go of principles can be the best outcome. Holding on to old principles can sometimes drag both yourself and the child down. Check in with yourself to see if what you are holding onto is worth the anxiety. The world keeps changing. How you were reared and the expectations of the community are now quite different. The challenges your child faces are different.

• Take a positive outlook to negotiation with your child and remind yourself how privileged you are to have this opportunity with your child. Happily exchanging thoughts and ideas with your child is a precious part of being a parent. Savour the occasions. If it all gets too much, simply hand the negotiation over to the other parent or simply create space between the discussion and the outcome.

• Remind yourself that the child you are talking to now will be changing in the next few years. What does that mean for negotiations? It means that fairness and understanding should always prevail in conversation not matter what age the child is at the time.

Teachers who have the privilege of teaching children more that once across their primary life will often talk about how the child had grown in negotiating and responding to different situations. Nothing is static with children. Therefore, how we work with our children, play or negotiate should also be organic. It should shift according to circumstances, wellness etc.

Our children are slowly learning about the human condition. When they engage with us, we need to let them see how justice and reasonability prevail at any age.

“Reduce life to its essence. It is mostly loving that matters…and lasts           ”

—    Keep life simple therapy ……Linus Mundy

Careful with the language you use around children.

The minute we start talking we reveal much about ourselves. The intonation of our speech and the expressions we use are learnt habits and no surprises, become learnt habits for your children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children, ward off problems and act proactively when communicating around and with our children.

Firstly, it is helpful to recognise that our moods and general health will affect how we communicate. The best advice to give here is to always do less, talk less and slow down, using less communication if you are feeling vulnerable in discussing matters. This is acting proactively and reducing dialogue that can be damaging.

The following are suggestions to assist in providing effective language when around children.

This article is to give us some idea about how we can use language to build relationships with our children.

• Remember to use the child’s name when talking to them and avoiding using “you” and other nicknames that are not considered endearing names.

• In talking, take care to slow down especially when taking about some important matter. Talking too fast, sets up a feeling of anxiousness and a need for an immediate response.

• Try to build in positive, reassuring language:

“I love that happy face when we clean your room”

“Television is finished and its bedtime. Sleep is a great time to rest that body.”

• Use the same tones when talking. A child will pick up very quickly when the tone changes. They will then try to interpret your attitude, sometimes.

• Use comfortable language and not use swear words or words that can be interpreted with aggressive undertones. Language such as… I am disappointed, angry upset etc. all suit expressing your feelings.

• In talking to children, try to avoid abbreviations as the child will learn the habit of completing sentences well.

• Some families introduce new words once a week. They then practice using the word to include it in their speech.

• Carefully think through what you want to say, rather than correcting yourself. This helps the child recognise the clarity in your conversation.

In working with children, the rule was always… talk to the child in your regular tone of voice when you are well prepared with what you need to say. This ensures that the child does not get confused and you are in a better situation to talk with clarity and in an unemotional way. There is nothing more frustrating than someone talking to you about an issue and they are confused, unclear, repetitive or unsettled about what they want to say.

Sometimes talking in simple sentences with a small breathing space in between statements is helpful to children, as they are learning to process information.

Watch the dramatics when talking. They can also be confusing for the child providing inaccurate messages.

Choosing good language phrased as positively as possible has the best chance of being received well. Roadblocks to a child come from language that is intimidating, loud and confusing.

Also be careful not to change your language using a different style of talk to your child. Whilst the age of the child will dictate the language used, there is still a common way to talk across children and adults.

If you are inclined to talk calmy and in an even pace, this would apply to both child and adult.  Remember that there is an emotional message in what you have to say. The child will always look for that hidden message sometimes at the detriment of hearing what was said.

If a child responds to your conversation and they are completely not on target with what you had to say, this is a red light sign that they have not actually heard what you had to say.

Our language is a powerful tool which over the centuries has been used for good and evil. As a parent we have such a rich opportunity in building strong, confident children, who use language as a force to get their message across in the most effective way possible. They learn this through how we distribute our messages.

“Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”

— Charles R Swindell, Evangelical Christian Pastor.

The art of letting go to gain more with your children

Have you ever noticed how your life just gets busier and busier?

In fact, the more complications, the more as a society, we think we are functioning effectively. How often I would hear school parents  say that their children were growing up far too quickly and that they were missing out on so much of their childhood. Yet they did not know how to change that situation.

There is much truth in this statement especially given that time moves so fast when we are busy people.

This article challenges us to find that time, by uncluttering life, so that space is created for your child.  It is not about creating more space, but rather, taking back some time from your already busy life.

This is a massive challenge for families. However, it is possible to declutter life a little to make more room for your children. It was not uncommon to hear children at school talk excitedly about plans that their families had made to simply be together. The presence of being together is in most cases all that children want from parents. Being present is the key to feeling connected.

Consider some of the following suggestions to reclaim time for the family.

• As a family, plan together those special times. This is quite common in some families to simply gather and plan how each week/fortnight /term etc. has adequate quality time for all the family. It is a matter at looking at what has to go. It is amazing how creative children can be when included in this discussion.  The mere fact that it is factored into your life suggests to the child how important it is to the parent.

• Draw up a list of all that you have scheduled for the week. Can you eliminate some of the activities to just be home with the children? Writing it down works for some families as they see and think about how relevant are some of the activities. Involving the children in this process is valuable.

• Schools provide busy schedules inviting families into the classroom throughout the year. These are great opportunities to spend quality time with your child. Schools understand the importance of building strong families.

• Be creative with your time together. When driving your child somewhere or shopping together, have you got time to stop off for a milkshake or a play in the park.

• Consider the layout of your house. Is it set up so that the children are visible? This enables more conversation, more connection and happy times together.

• Are there activities that you can share together? For example, if you like certain music, invite your child to listen with you.

• Bedtime is an excellent time to just chill with your child and talk about everything and nothing!

• Consider picking up your child early from school occasionally to simply have time together. This can be built in across the year.

• Lots of just sitting together and cuddling is quality time, uncomplicated by having to be or do.

          Try avoid saying to the child,

“I haven’t got time now.”

          Instead say:

“That’s important. I’ll find time with you to do that”.

With such a promise make certain it is always followed through.

• Keep a journal of those special moments together. Writing it down often stimulates the desire for creating more time together. Show the diary to your child.

• Take care with formalised sports. As parents we become very involved with them and this consumes time. However, think about kicking a ball around or shooting goals with them, yourselves.

• Set up a schedule on the fridge which highlights time together. This is a clear message to children of their relevance in your life across the week.

• Letting go of jobs, tasks, etc. is accepting that limits must be set on practical tasks so that you can spend more precious time with your child. How often do we miss the laughter and joy of those special moments as they grow from infancy to adolescents? The fatigue or tiredness we often feel is due to the far too many jobs we put on the list of “must do.” Such fatigue dulls our ability to enjoy our children.

As time goes, the relevance of those busy tasks fades into oblivion but not the journey and the long-term memory of watching your child grow.

You are modelling to your child, that setting limits on tasks and replacing them with building strong relationships with your child is critical to you as a parent.

“In family relationships, love is really spelled t-i-m-e”

— Dieter F Uchtdorf

Timing is everything.

How often do we ask questions and realise the answer was all about bad timing? How about when we plan activities and find its all too much due to poor timing, being tired, too busy, unwell etc.

Choosing the right time to get the best response, change of behaviour, higher level of understanding etc, depends on whether the recipient is in the best mental and physical space to listen and respond.

This article is all about sharpening our awareness of timing in all that we do especially with regard to vulnerable children.

Teachers are very skilled at managing timing issues, as they know that to get the best response from the children, they need to choose a time that is best placed for the activity. They will often check timetables, ensure all children will be available, inform parents well in advance and check to see that weather or other school conditions do not compromise their planned event. The lesson we take from this is that if you want the best response from your child, think carefully about the obstacles that could impinge success.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time to talk to your child about important matters.

For example:

• Is your child well?

• Are they preoccupied?

• Are they anxious about matters that preoccupy them.

• Are they distracted by friends, television etc.

• Are you talking to them about an important matter when they just want to play outside straight away

• Sometimes just after school, before school, getting into cars etc are excitable times and not suitable for discussions about important matters.

• Consider how often you have been talking to them about important matters. Are they on overload?

When working with children, if I had to discuss some issue with a child, I would check to ensure that I was not taking them away from an important activity to them, such as sport, art etc. This seems to them like a punishment and they are distracted from the discussion. Timing is everything.

Here are some suggestions to contemplate finding the best time.

• Bedtime, when all is quiet is often a popular time to discuss important matters.

• Seek out times when the child is alone and happy to engage in conversation.

• Find times when you are doing activities together such as cooking, playing with Lego etc.

• Choose times when you are receptive to listening what they have to say. You need to create your personal time when you bring up matters that you wish to discuss.  Timing for you is also important.

• Always follow through if the timing does not work out.

“It seems we need to finish this conversations at another time. Let's do it when we have me more time together.”

• Take stock of your own wellness when approaching important conversations or situations. Timing includes the best time for you to discuss matters as well the child.

• Reflect on what you need to say. If it is quite emotive, the timing for discussion must be in a safe place, where you feel ready to discuss the matter and you feel the child will be receptive and not distracted.

• Always check who is around as timing can be influenced by the presence of others such as siblings, other parent, friends, people about to arrive, phone ringing, etc.

Parents can become quite frustrated when poor timing does not resolve a matter. This can lead to built up resentment and then an outburst of frustration which has poor outcomes for everybody. Parents can begin to think that avoidance is happening. Perhaps it is, but it is often driven by the incorrect use of timing.

Keep in mind that intuitive people carefully recognise the signs around them and choose wisely when getting the best from other people. The more astute you are in timing, the greater likelihood of getting the best response.

Finding some one on one time with your child.

How difficult is it to find time for all the things you need to do? Of course it is difficult.

We live in a very busy world with time being the most precious commodity we can find.

This article is about establishing some quality ‘one on one time’ regularly with your child. This is not easy, especially if you have several children, but it is not impossible and just so necessary.

Consider the advantages:

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.

Your child will feel special. You can just talk about the uniqueness of the child and they can tell you their feelings which they alone own.

 It demonstrates to the child that their uniqueness is special and you value it and want to focus on it.

The child realises that this time together will give them an occasion to be with their parent alone. Therefore, they may store up important things to say to them during this time.

 Here are some suggestions to find that individual time with your child.

• Discuss with the family the importance of spending individual time with each child. They may have their own ideas on how this is possible.

• Put the information on the fridge so that you can refer to it regularly.

• Check on the school timetable. There may be some better times to remove them from school for a few hours.

• Attending sporting events is important but occasionally just take them yourself and spend time with them afterwards to talk about the game.

• Write little notes to your child. Put them in their lunch box:

“Catch you tonight. Let’s talk after dinner.”

• Are there any joint activities you can do together, such as a club, art classes etc.

• When going to the shops for a quick purchase could just one child go with you?

• Talk to them about the things you notice that are unique to that child. For example, their unique smile, sense of humor etc. It is about bringing out their individuality and that is what you love the most.

An important key to building relationships is to keep reminding the child that spending one on one time is important to you. It is amazing what you learn from just being together.

Small doses of ‘one on one’ time together regularly can make an amazing difference in building wonderful, long term interpersonal relationships.