Teaching our children the value of courtesy

A strange word and one that represents so much of valuing the other person. It says that the other person has value. The question here is how much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others. It is, I would say, a very underrated gift that can definitely benefit a person in building trusting relationships. If we are not courteous, respecting the other’s person’s right to an opinion how can we establish relationships, accept difference etc?

I was always curious to find that when choosing school captains, teachers and students requested a child that valued the other person. They wanted a school captain that respected and was courteous to each and everyone in the school. Such a value was demanded in a leadership position. This also applied to classroom leadership positions, sport captains etc.

How much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others?

In a classroom setting, teachers will set up activities, games, group work etc, all requiring a strong aspect of being courteous and respecting fellow students. Children know that without such a value they cannot work with each other fairly and come to value difference. Being courteous stimulates conversations in a non-threatening way.

When I worked with children it was most important to ensure that the child knew that despite the problem, I was courteous and valued their presence. They were an individual of value and credibility and that should at all times be present in our conversations and in my mind. Once courtesy is apparent in conversations no matter how difficult, resolutions are more likely to happen. Trust then creeps into the relationship and more understanding and tolerance of difference appears.

Consider:

• When in dialogue with your child always keep in mind the sensitivity of the situation and how you value their humanity by being always courteous. Being abusive immediately shuts down real conversation.

• Demonstrate to your child that you are a courteous person to people you meet. You may have some personal differences but still the presence of showing courtesy to that person is a powerful message to your child.

• Talk about courteous people that you admire. What do you like about them? Notice that people who are courteous are often gentle people who do not use intimidatory power of being loud and aggressive in style.

• When you are talking to people such as teachers, school parents etc. it is so important that your child sees how comfortable you are in treating them well through conversation. It is all about looking and accepting that in everyone there is good.

• When you talk about them privately keeping up that courteous talk is so important.  What you are telling your children is that people should be treated with respect no matter how I differ from their opinion. It is a helpful habit in negotiating through differences.

Teach your child that you may disagree with someone but you still respect their right to an opinion. You will therefore talk with them and around them courteously. You will recognise that their voice has value and has a right to be heard with courtesy.

‘Teach your kids to be polite right now.

So, when they grow up, they can:

Speak without being bossy.

Inspire without intimidation.

Lead without being tyrants and live life to their full potential

Powerfully, Vibrantly, Harmoniously.’

-AFineParent.com

Discipline or restorative healing?

No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.

Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.

This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.

          “I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.

Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”

You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.

          “Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”

 Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem. 

Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.

“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”

The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.

Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation.

 A few thoughts:

• Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation. Anger only encourages the child to shut down. Teachers understand very well that if they express anger without listening to the child, they will lose credibility. Solving the problem and moving on effectively then becomes a much bigger problem.

• Keep everything in proportion. How serious was the problem? Perhaps it just needed a simple reminder?

• Do the consequences fit the behaviour?

• Are you taking over too much of the resolution and not including your child in the discussion throughout the process?

• Check-in with your child after the resolution of the problem. Is your relationship intact after dealing with the behaviour?

• Check-in with yourself to ensure that you have moved on. Carry no bitterness or malice.

• Remember that many of the problems are about being a child, making mistakes and learning to grow. They will be short term and in a child’s life, there will be many repeated times to deal with consequences. Therefore, take it all in your stride and do not personalise issues.

• If you have noticed an increased need to put consequences in place, check-in with your relationship with the child. Is all well in this area? Do I need to take time out to spend some individual healing time with my child?

Finally, whenever you have dealt with a problem, discussed the matter and dealt fairly with consequences, there will be growth and hopefully a broadening of understanding where forgiveness, mutual understanding and empathy grow.

“Conflict is not a problem that needs solving but a phenomenon that needs understanding.”

— Dominic Berter.

How to learn about patience

This is a tricky one for children. By nature, they are slow to be patient especially when they are young. They are living in a fast pace world where social media teaches them that instant gratification and immediate response is to be expected and highly valued. One could say that learning patience is an outdated skill. Consider even simple things. For example, do we wait to have hot cross buns at Easter? No, we find them in the shops as early as February when the last dying ambers of Christmas are present.

We live in a world where instant satisfaction is expected and is regarded as the norm. It is not seen as impatience but a necessary requirement of daily life. It is all about we have a right to be happy all the time because we deserve getting what we want.

Teaching patience, therefore, is necessary as it does not come as an innate skill. People who work hard at being patient learn the art of waiting and with it the appropriate rewards. With patience comes a sense of being at peace and controlling the stress of having things straight away.

Fortunately, school teaches about the value of patience and accordingly rewards children for demonstrating an ability to be patient. Walk into any classroom and you will see many signs referring to dates when certain activities and celebrations will occur. There is often an excitable countdown to a special day. Children must wait for their name to be called out and at times may not be chosen straight away for activities. They have to go with the flow and learn the art of patience. And so, the list of reasons why patience is needed and demanded is clear in a school setting.

At home there are many occasions when patience can be encouraged as a great gift and is highly valued in your family. Waiting for a birthday is a typical one. The anticipation builds and then the excitement of the day. The wait is over and accordingly rewarded.

 Consider:

We all find it difficult to be patient. This is not an innate skill.

• Can you think of several occasions across the week, month etc. when you can reinforce and reward a child’s patience?

• Put up calendar dates on the fridge that you are looking forward to. Talk about the wait and the anticipation that is building.

• Do you know and admire patient people? Talk about them to your child. How were they rewarded? What made them so likeable?

• Ask your child about the times they had to be patient in their school day. Note how being patient kept the class moving.

• Demonstrate patience to your child in your own life.

“I have an important meeting with my boss this week.  I will wait patiently for this as I think it is about my promotion.”

• How about the general nature of being patient? We wait to be served in a restaurant or perhaps we are in a queue at the supermarket. There are many daily occasions when patience is needed. These are perfect times to show your child that being patient is the best way forward. Impatience only leads to stress and poor behaviour on occasions.

Slowly and steadily, you can demonstrate and highlight times when patience wins the day. A child needs positive examples, especially as the anxiousness of society deans quick and immediate responses.

“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”

— Helen Keller

The value of leisure

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us. It is worth contemplating how we use leisure time and how this influences our children.

How we show commitment and prioritise is all about leisure time. Are we a family that hitches up the caravan and disappears to the beach? Leisure time should be modelled for the children as high-quality hours quite separated from the hustle and bustle of work, school, etc.

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us.

Children need to learn that there are clear separations with leisure time from regular life. This teaches them that leisure time is an important investment in life. It nourishes the soul as well as the body.

The more they come to value the experiences, the more they will be searching for it in their own lives.

Take care to ensure that leisure is active and engaging. Watching television, screen time on computers is not giving direct attention to breaking from routine and setting up activities that provide real leisure for all the family.

Teachers invite students to plan leisure activities that will be enjoyed by the whole class. Often this involves active activities such as sport, art etc.  Sometimes school excursions are all about celebrating leisure time together. It is a great bonding agent.

 A few thoughts about developing sound leisure time:

• Invite the whole family into a discussion about how they want to use leisure time.

• Take risks. Suggest new leisure activities that take everyone out of their comfort zones. Our character reflects the leisure we choose.

• Research what is available and within your parameters as a family.

• Plan leisure time regularly and talk about it as part of your family routine. Let it become an important way of life and not just an incidental holiday.

• Get the children involved in the planning and if it involves gathering and packing equipment, this can be a wonderful way for them to become involved. Let them own some of the leisure plans and preparations.

Remind yourself that creating effective leisure time with the family is yet another way of supporting their mental growth and demonstrating the value of rest and recovery from the routine of life. It strengthens self-awareness and is an important way of expressing family.

“‘In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are.’”

— Ovid

Celebrate: it’s a key player in setting life time standards

We all love a celebration. They are so important in our understanding of the values and beliefs we all share in a family. These celebrations are strong reminders to our children that we value something special and we want to gather to remember or acknowledge an important time in our life.

Children look forward to celebrations and given that they may repeat themselves such as birthdays, anniversaries, rituals etc. a child will over time have them entrenched in their thinking as part of their life.

Schools set up celebratory dates from the beginning of the year. They understand that a celebration can be an opportunity to deepen the children’s awareness of some value etc. Take for example, the school’ anniversary each year of Anzac Day. The teachers will use this occasion to reinforce the values of that event and also celebrate the life of those men and woman who died for their country.

There are many aspects to celebrations. Sometimes it is simply about joy and sometimes it may have a deeper meaning such as a religious occasion, anniversary of someone’s life etc.

Keep in mind that the particular celebrations you share as a family reflect your unique qualities and are a chance to reinforce the richness of your family.

The following ideas may help in this area:

• List the celebrations for the year with your child. Perhaps you may add in any extras that are important to celebrate given the circumstances.

• Talk about why you celebrate the occasions and how you want to celebrate it. Children are wonderful at creating ideas for a celebration. Remember happy, positive, long term memories are born from such experiences. My children still vividly remember shopping for and buying a wedding anniversary cake for myself and husband when they were preteenagers. They were so excited to plan and surprise us and they still remember this occasion after many years.

• When something special happens in the family is it an occasion to gather perhaps for a meal and celebrate it together? Be an opportunist and find reasons to celebrate. You won’t have to look far.

• Think about celebrating what you want to see more of. Perhaps your child may be working hard to improve their writing and they find success through this. Then share a meal and praise their efforts. It doesn’t take much to see things that you would like to acknowledge.

• Be creative in how you celebrate and invite your child into the planning process. In this way, they will take more ownership of the event. They will remember the occasion more profoundly.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

— James Baldwin

Fight, flight or go with the flow.

Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.

Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.

Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.

Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.

Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?

Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.

Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.

 Consider:

• When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.

• Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.

• Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.

• If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.

• Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.

“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”

— Gurubogsa

How focussed are we on being on time?

Do we live by the clock? Does it give us a sense of security so that we feel we can achieve everything we set out to do?

Take care not to measure everything by the clock. If we tend to be too focussed on being on time, monitoring our actions by time and feeling that if we are watching the clock, we will not operate in a much more efficient and successful way.

A problem can develop when we are preoccupied with time. We miss the little things that are so important especially with children. Their spontaneity can sometimes slow us down but is that such a bad thing? To stop and take the time to savour the special unpredictable moments with your child are more powerful than simply being focussed on the time and getting it right.

Are you so preoccupied with being on time that the stress in the family house goes up several notches?

Teachers are compulsive planners who know that their time is precious and that they have a set requirement of work to complete in a specific time. However, despite their preoccupation with time and awareness of its importance in their work, they still will stop the lesson. With the children, they will savour those special moments in the classroom that enrich the day and the experiences. Such awareness of the spontaneous precious moments that can happen at any time are important for refreshing the day. They are all about deeper more meaningful contact with people. They can also be instrumental in changing plans and directions for the day. Teachers realise that listening and redirecting actions can enable a classroom to flow more smoothly and more productively.

 Consider:

• Can you listen to the small things that happen around you with your child?

• Are you so preoccupied with being on time that the stress in the family house goes up several notches? Can you relax a little in this area?

• Can we plant in our mind the realisation that we put the value of our children over time and the things that must be done?

• Think about how preoccupied you are about time. Can you make some adjustments and still feel that can manage the situation?

Those precious moments we capture on camera with our children can sometimes be missed when we become too preoccupied with time.

“Take care of the minutes and the hours will take care of themselves.”

— Earl of Chesterfield.

Knowledge is Power

When we were in the grip of the lockdown, we were all seeking updates and new information with regard to the pandemic. Such knowledge was critical in keeping abreast of the situation that was at times quite confusing and unsettling. Managing anxiety and above all supporting the family through those uncertain times was the order of the day. Knowledge enabled us to take control of our daily life.

This is a classic example of how accurate knowledge gives you the power to manage and control the situation.

Children deserve accurate and up to date knowledge that will empower them to take control of their lives. As a parent, it is our duty to ensure that we are honest and give our children the knowledge that will empower them over all sorts of life matters. As a child grows, a parent of course tailor’s information that fits the age but above all, it must be the truth.

A child who values knowledge grows in the power of personal confidence and self-worth

Teachers’ roles are very much about empowering children with knowledge. They give them the tools to take control of their work. There is nothing more disempowering and limiting than not having the correct knowledge to drive decisions. It is like a ship lost in a storm with no anchor or guiding instruments to direct it.

Children trust their teachers because they will teach them accurately and with no holds barred. Teachers will be honest and empower them with useful knowledge. The more knowledge our children have, the greater power they have in taking control of themselves and being personally confident to tackle issues. We are all rendered powerless without knowledge.

Consider the following to help children in this area:

• When a child asks a question be in the habit of answering correctly and with information that is accurate. Underplaying your child’s intelligence by offering simple answers can sometimes confuse a child.  It can also suggest to the child that you do not have confidence in their ability to process information. This can reduce their interest in coming to you for knowledge.

• Children display their curiosity in many ways. We should be available and willing to answer questions that enlighten and empower your child. Let them know that you are happy to share knowledge together. If you don’t have the answer straight away then follow up learning can happen together.

• Be consistent in how you answer questions. Check in with your child later to see if they understand what you had to say.

• Be prepared to learn from your child. There is much to discover from listening to them and respecting their knowledge.

• As a parent remember that the more you empower your child with knowledge, the better equipped they are in coping with various life situations. They are also more inclined to approach you with difficult issues if they feel you will give them an honest and rich explanation. This is particularly the case as the child approaches puberty.

• If you are a person who displays an insatiable appetite for knowledge, this will undoubtedly rub off on your child. Share your information and joy of learning with them.

• Be open to talking about all sorts of topics that sometimes may take you out of your comfort zones. Let your child know that exploring various topics can lead to stronger awareness and sensitivity to all kinds of differences. We are only intimidated by what we don’t know.

 A child who feels comfortable approaching a parent with all sorts of inquiries will undoubtedly feel comfortable and secure in your presence. They deserve the respect of being given accurate and clear information.

 A child who values knowledge grows in the power of personal confidence and self-worth.

“An investment in KNOWLEDGE
Always pays the best INTEREST”

— Ben Franklin

Laughter. It’s good for the soul.

How often do you laugh? Are you a family that laughs together and often?

Can you remember the last time you had a good belly laugh?

 When you think about your past as a child, do you remember people who were always laughing and did this make you feel good?

Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness. Cheerful people make us feel better and no surprises, we are drawn to them in a positive way.

In today’s climate with so much intermittent anxiety connected to the pandemic, how about increasing laughter in your family? For some, this will be easy but for some families, it may take some planning and work.

Laughter is like a tranquillizer. It makes you feel alive and connected to those who are enjoying a laugh with you.  It is a bonding agent.

Sometimes it is not easy to create humour in difficult times but with some creative thinking, I am sure you can find some happy, warm moments at home that can bring instant laughter into the house.

Laughing is infectious and important for good mental health and for personal happiness.

Remember that children love to laugh and crave feeling positive. This is natural to them. They will welcome all the humour you bring into your family life. Your laughter reassures them that they are in a safe happy place. They certainly want to be there.

 Consider:

• A joke book. Read some jokes at dinnertime. This can be fun for everyone.

• Get into the habit of telling your child the funny things that happened to you today. They love to hear positive stories.

• Watch a funny movie together. This can be such an upbeat time for families.

In working with children, teachers understand that the tone of their classroom should be positive and happy. To this end, they always welcome a joke and encourage children to share laughter amongst themselves. They understand that joking lifts the spirit. I noticed that if I was happy and talked about some funny situations with children, they were more inclined to talk to me about their concerns.

Shutdown comes with children when they feel insecure and doubt the presence of positivity around them.

Having a cheerful, happy disposition attracts others to you. Having a  sense of humour is a gift to cherish. It also lightens the burden of the day.

If our children learn to laugh and come from a home environment that encourages laughter, this will more likely encourage friendships in their life. They then feel comfortable in their connection with others. It also builds their self-confidence in expressing themselves in front of others.

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
You grow older because you stop laughing.”

— Maurice Chevalier

Faults! We all have them.

Do we sometimes focus too much on the faults that we see around us? Children by nature of being children are frequently making mistakes from practical matters through to their fragile emotional growth. I say all hail faults! Have often do you hear your child say:

“It’s not my fault.” At an early age, a child struggles to own a fault.

The key here is to focus more on virtues and gifts that we see present in our children. We certainly teach our children to manage faults and we do this in a gentle and caring way. We teach them to manage their faults and we praise their efforts when they show improvement.

Now that school has resumed children are exposed to various learning situations that will challenge them both inside the classroom and outside. They begin to recognise through the support of teachers, that making mistakes is acceptable and that we learn to strengthen the fault line by practice, effort and determination. Their world in school will be a daily exercise of managing success and checking in when faults occur. Our job as parents is to support them by accepting that we all make mistakes and have faults that can be worked on with support and encouragement. Let us take out the negative undertone of the word, “fault” and see it as an opportunity to grow. I am inclined to replace the word with “mistakes”.

Consider the following thoughts:

• Are you a person who tends to notice faults before you notice the best of the person? If this is the case keep reminding yourself that focussing on faults only exacerbates one’s feeling of failure or disappointment in someone else.  It is not difficult to develop a negative mindset about someone if you just focus on their faults.

• Talk about how you have been working on yourself to improve in some area. Perhaps your fault is never being on time. Talk to your child about what you are doing to improve in this area. It’s important to show the child that naming the fault is the first job in taking control. Once named it puts things into perspective.

• When your child talks about how they are struggling to succeed in an area, talk about the times you have seen improvement. Build on the positive times when you did see improvement.

“I can see you are struggling with maths. I remember how you mastered the times tables last year. That was a great success”.

• Remind your child that we all have faults. It’s part of the human condition. Many of our great achievers over time struggled with faults and worked hard by taking risks and working on improvement.

It’s all about developing the best disposition and owning those faulty areas in which improvement can take place if you so wish to work on them.

“I think people who have faults are a lot more interesting than people who are perfect.”

— Spike Lee

Sometimes it’s best to just go with the flow

Sometimes it is not possible to be reactive to a situation that is unsettling or perhaps able to control things well. This is life. There are far too many unknowns on a day to day basis. Perhaps even minute to minute basis. At the moment with CoVid still present and appearing in different forms, we need to go with the flow a little more as it ebbs and changes around our community. The more we think it is under control, the more we will be frustrated as rules and health recommendations change.

Good modelling for the child is that they recognise in their family that sometimes we can ebb and flow when pressure builds up. Allowing some flexibility and breathing space in tricky situations allows time to sometimes solve the problem or at least reduce the tension. 

Teachers are very aware that sometimes it is simply best to change directions and just go with the flow. This is a saving grace when pressure builds in a classroom. Also, it is worth remembering to be a little fluid can prevent major storms. Avoiding a major storm means that there is less damage control and damaged relationships. Teachers will also measure success not by major achievements but by avoiding obstacles that can slow down and hinder their overall work. This can also be called wisdom.

 A few tips:

• Read the signs. If pressure is building can I just change directions and accept how things work out? Am I able to accept the fluid directions that can sometimes lead to a surprise outcome?

• Am I able to understand that life may not always give us exactly what we planned?

• Watch your expectations. If you set very high expectations it can be more difficult to slow down and just go with the flow.

• When you have decided to go with the flow, talk to your child as to why you think this is the better option. Demonstrating that you are flexible when necessary is a positive trait.

• Do you know successful people that are spontaneous in slowing down and redirecting actions when needed? Talk about their gifts and how this works for that person.

Sometimes fighting and seeking to fly away from the problem can lead to considerable stress. The more we try to control, the more tension and failure can easily be set up. Best to use a wise head and allow some flow into your life. It can also be a joy experimenting with a more fluid disposition.

It is better for children to develop discernment and learn when and how to go with the flow to suit the occasion. Building on such early wisdom can only strengthen their emotional maturity.

“f you can’t fight and you can’t flee-flow’”

— Robert Eliot

Laughter, a great stress buster

Do you know or remember people in your life as a child that were happy? Did they laugh a lot and were they smiling often? No surprise that people with a positive, happy disposition attract other people easily. In fact, laughing is absolutely contagious and can influence very quickly the culture of a group of people gathered.

In Japan I hear of laughing clubs where people come together regularly, simply to have a good hearty laugh. This is seen as stress-busting and releases all the positive endorphins into the bloodstream. It makes you feel good and less focussed on being around negative influences. People say that it is quite uplifting and the more they have, the more they want.

We all want to feel better and we certainly are easily drawn to positive people. Children are always hoping that when their teacher is allocated for the new year that they get the teacher who is fun and enjoys a good laugh. Learning can come with more ease when a child feels that they are with someone who does not judge but sees the best in them. Warm-hearted people are never seen as judgemental people.

Laughter is a fabulous stress buster!

Teachers also are very aware that they have higher productivity from the children when the classroom is operating on a happy, positive note.

By being in the bosom of a family that enjoys a good laugh, the child feels happy and the optimism carries over to so many areas of their life. Who wants to feel down when you can feel up more often.

Whist I appreciate that we cannot laugh all day, it is still important to build into your routine with children some positive happy times that simply bring joy to everyone. This gives them a positive feeling and keeps the blues at bay. It breeds optimism and hope.

 It is amazing how two people can see the same situation differently. One may see the glass half full, the other half empty.

 Give yourself permission to be a person that enjoys a good laugh every now and again.

 In working with children, it was sometimes possible to simply share a joke together. This was a wonderful icebreaker and set both child and Principal at ease.  Sometimes at the cost of forgetting the problem to be discussed!

 A few thoughts:

• If you are having a flat day try not to share too much of that with your child. If possible, come in on all the opportunities for a laugh together. This will lift your spirits as well.

• What about when the family shares a meal together. This is an excellent time to share a laugh. Ask the question:

‘Did anyone have something funny happen to them today?’

• Funny movies can bring much relaxation and humour to the family who shares it together.

• When your child tells you something funny that happened share in the laughter. Let your child know that you enjoy hearing the lighter side of their day.

Children are quite spontaneous with their humour. You can learn a lot from merely being around your child. Their joy and laughter is infectious. Above all, allow laugher into your life and it will flow onto your child very spontaneously.

“You don’t stop laughing because you grow older.
Your grow older because you stop laughing.”

— Maurice Chevalier

Early days back at school

The good news is that school is finally back in action. We need to understand that children will still be feeling slightly uneasy given the recent past and the current news and the discussions about vaccinations. Questions are still being asked about the suitability of the injection for different age groups, its effectiveness, new strains of the pandemic etc. Recently, I have heard parents concerned about their children talking about dying. I wonder if all the vulnerable scenarios that have occurred and background news of deaths from coronavirus have made some children anxious about the fragility of life.

Is your child nervous about returning to school post covid?

Here are some suggestions to keep the dialogue going with your child:

• If you listen to the news check in with your child that they understand details accurately and the information is suitable for their age.

• Talk about the positives such as the injection, scientists’ skills in combatting the virus, the wonderful support of people looking after the sick etc. There is definitely the element of hope in all that is being done to combat the virus. Children need to understand the wonderful endurance and science that leads to cures.

• Tap in with what the school is doing to educate the children in managing the virus at school. This is a great topic for all to discuss in the family. This is where home and school can support each other so well.

• There are some wonderful books on scientists who have developed cures in medicine over the years. This is a great time to read life-giving stories of scientists such as Madam Curie etc. These people are real heroes in finding cures and creating medicines that are so effective in reducing pain and suffering. The more our children think about the great stamina and intellect that such people showed, the more we highlight the determination of the human spirit.

• The routine of school will be an excellent way to bring normality and stability into the child’s life. Are there family disruptions that destabilise this routine?  If possible, keep life consistent and predictable throughout the school term. Ensure you inform your child well about any changes.

Remember that your child is living through the pandemic. Their longer-term memories will be very much about how we felt and how we managed ourselves. I am sure they will be looking back and reflecting on how the family operated throughout this time. Keep life a little simpler. Let school be a positive part of your life as it can be such a powerful influence at this time for your child. Schools are stable environments where reliable and trusting people deliver learning. It is a place of friendship and comfort for your child. Embrace it with them.

Keep the start of the year on a positive note

What a busy time for all as you prepare to pack away the Summer fun holiday items and get ready for the regularity of school. We can all get a little overwhelmed and irritable about getting back to routine especially given the unease of last year.

Your child will be mentally getting ready for school challenges and of course, will have in mind the journey of 2020. My advice here is to not get caught up in making the start of the school year too perfect. Let the child gently ease into the school and discover along the way what their new environment will offer. There may be school rules and discussion about hygiene etc. Your child needs to understand what the new norm is in the school and they will begin to adopt to changes and shifts in how the school may be operating.

Here are some thoughts about how to keep the beginning of the school year upbeat and optimistic.

• Talk positively about the new year. Discuss as a family something that you are all looking forward to in the near future. This could be some event that wasn’t possible last year.

• Listen well to what the child tells you about school and if there are changes talk about how you applaud the school’s effort to keep everyone safe and healthy.

• Check in with your child to make sure anxious gossip about health matters regarding CO-VID 19 is accurate and that your child is not anxious about what they hear around the schoolyard.

• If your child is not in prep and you are not in the habit of dropping them off, I recommend being with them before school a few times. This gives them extra reassurance and that reassurance helps at this stage of the year. Remember that there are still some residual anxieties around from last year.

• If your child is a little anxious about full-time school and missing you, show them on a calendar the school holidays and that there will be plenty of occasions to just be family once again. 

• For some children being home for so long last year was a comfort and they will need time to adjust to a regular school schedule. A day working online at home does not equate to a full active day at school.

• Talk positively about their friendships and encourage your child to be friendly to all class members. Take an in inclusive approach to the matter of friends. Often at the beginning of the year it can be divide and conquer with regard to establishing friendships in the class. The less confident child may take more time to establish friends or perhaps lose confidence in re-establishing themselves with friends.

• A great tool at this stage of the year is to set up a chat box in your child’s room. If they have anything, they want to talk about they can include this in the box. At special times probably bedtime together you can talk about these issues.

• If you are busy working, school can slip easily from your thoughts. Check their bags each night for notes and of course emails from teachers. An occasional email to the teacher to check-in is also a good idea.

 Above all, keep the term optimistic and affirm your child’s steady progress into the life of the school in 2021.

“Optimism. It’s not just a mind-set. It is behaviour.”

— Larry Elder

Back to school and living the new norm

What is that new norm? It is about living with Covid 19 present around us. It is also having a raised awareness of how the condition can influence our lives. We are still reeling from the difficult year we had in 2020. Now our children return to school and try to start afresh with a new teacher, new friendships, challenges on the yard etc. We all remember the time when so suddenly school was shut and children went online at home to study. No surprises that we have some residual grief about the losses and isolation we all had to endure.

With the above in mind, I recommend that parents consider the following thoughts for a year that, for our children, will be a new norm. The schools may have changed some rules to adjust with dealing with the pandemic and children are aware that washing hands, keeping a distance etc. are all new rules we are living around.

 Consider:

• When planning for term one, go easy. The children may take extra time to adjust to the new school year and term one is all about meeting and greeting, setting boundaries and establishing oneself in the classroom.

• Check in regularly with your child.

“This year has started well. How are you finding the new start?”

• Be in touch with the teacher to ensure that your child is starting well. Best to do this early rather than finding out after too many unsettling times have occurred for the child.

• Setting up a routine is important. Invite your child to help with the plan for that routine. Establish where they will do their homework and talk about the balance of activities across the week. Given the break they had last year, a whole term of afterschool activities across a week could be quite a task.

• Ensure that bedtime is regular. Given the recent holidays and the different patterns of last year, establishing routine bedtime could be difficult for some time.

• Talk occasionally as a family about the unique journey everyone had in the family last year. There may be some grief and disappointments that your child needs to talk about. Perhaps some anxiety about being away from you more often this year. Also, talk about the positive side to the home schooling and to your time together. It was, after all a unique year, unlikely to ever be repeated.

• It is also important to talk generally about the state of the pandemic and how we are managing ourselves. There will be the new issue of the vaccination and there will be much talk about this matter both in the media and amongst the community. Let your child know that keeping abreast of current information that is accurate is important.

• Are there aspects of last year that you wish to take up in 2021? Many families are already bemoaning the fact that they will have less quality time with their children. Plan to keep up some good habits you may have developed from last year when in isolation.

 We all go into this new year with the hope that it will be better for everyone. As a family, we have grown in so many ways being together so intimately. We have initiated new ways to entertain ourselves and just be family.  May the new year, bring with it recently acquired wisdom from 2020 and the hope that we go forward well prepared for 2021 and the new norm.

“Children will listen to you after they feel listened too.”

— Jane Nelsen

Back to school post covid

That strange sense of finishing school

Children will be feeling that strange sense of leaving school, disengaging with friends and getting mentally ready for Christmas and the New Year.

It seems such a rush. After all they have only been at school for such a short recovery time. However, this has been 2020 and for all in the family, change and shifting normalities are the norm.

What to do about it:

• Accept it! You can’t change what has been an extraordinary year for everyone. It still comes with its challenges of wearing masks in shops etc. Embrace it with the children.

• Keep the family talk up about the year and allow the children to freely talk about their challenges across that time. Do this in a positive, reassuring way.

• Understand that behaviour may be different with your child and tolerate a little more when it comes to changed behaviour.

• Keep up the play and allow your child to enjoy free time. Remember that COVID-19 normal was so different and the child is adjusting to getting back to routine. Perhaps with some trepidation of that change.

• Letting go of friends for the year can cause some distress as in some cases. Children may not have had great experiences when they briefly returned to school. Remember that after a whole year of school, children are in and out of friendships and build solid relationships. For some this takes lots of reassurance and time.

• Christmas should be a wonderful time just to gather and offer nurture and support to the children and the whole family. It may be a time of reconnection with more people for the first time. A time to heal and a time to rest from anxious 2020.

• As the child thinks and plans for Christmas and the New Year, it is a time when you can just talk about the growth and changes you have seen in your child over the year. Perhaps you have noticed their growing patience with younger siblings or their growing interest in cooking. Talk about the skills that have acquired in those difficult times. Focus on the skills and little successes your child has made during the lockdown. Talk about how you may have learnt more about yourself.

Whist this whole year has had its ups and downs it is still a rich opportunity to highlight the initiatives and growth you have seen in your child. Make the most of it. Turn it into an amazing family journey. Oh what an adventure!

                  “A problem is a chance for you to do your best.”

Are we expecting too much?

Oh, what a year it has been for everyone! Here we are with a few weeks to go, Christmas in the air and school back in action.

Are we normal again? What is normal and is it important to be back in what we understood as normal? Who knows the answer to that question?

With all the variation of the year, changing expectations and the ever-present idea that we could be back in lockdown if everything goes pear-shaped, are we expecting too much?

Here are a few tips to make for a gentle exit to the year and a happy entry into the holiday period.

• Be gentle on yourself. If you notice that you are not operating as normal, so be it!  Now is a balancing act of getting everything done for Christmas and at the same time remaining calm.

• Keep simple and happy routines going for the children. They deserve to feel safe and be reassured of normality in their life. They need to feel a sense of familiarity in their world.

• Don’t set expectations too high with regard to learning. The children are getting back into what is a broken year for school and even teachers will find it hard to assess the performance of the children. You may find the school report quite modified to suit the situation. Remember learning has occurred this year in a whole different way.

• Keep home life stable and not too unsettled. Be predictable and reliable when promising children what lies ahead.

• Take care when disciplining poor behaviour. Check in to find out what is driving the problem. Children can still be unsettled in the school, with friends etc. There may be some matter affecting their ability to function well.

• Take care not too overcrowd the week. Let some form of normality operate in your family life. What can you take out of your week to simplify life for the family? Look positively to the Christmas period. It is an excellent time to heal from our unsettled year. Watch old joyous Christmas movies filled with warm feelings, goodwill and happiness.

• Reduce negative talk around the house. This can make children anxious.

Finally, keep up the listening with our children. They need to feel heard as they come to understand what they have been experiencing this year.

“Keep your face always towards the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.”

— Walt Whitman

As we anticipate the end of the year

So much change and difference has been occurring this year. The news each day about the pandemic, the staggered return to school, the anticipation of holidays, the finishing off a very short unsatisfying school year and so the list goes on. It is natural that our children will be cautious and double-checking with us about holidays plans, Christmas etc.

All of us are placing hope in the new year that it will be as normal as we have had in the past. Children also are quietly placing their own hope in the new year that they will not be anxious anymore about the unknown.

𝐇𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐧:

• Talk about the positive news we here especially with regard to the incredible speed of the vaccine.

• Talk about the holidays and Christmas being a time to slow down, enjoy the summer spirit and share happy times together. Talk about the plans that you are putting in place for January.

• There are some good news stories appearing in the paper. Talk about the great examples of courage and generosity that are present in our society.

• Invite your child to be part of the holiday plans. This is also a time to talk about what is possible as a family.

• What kind of Christmas are you planning? This is a great time to inject happy, positive feelings around the family. Consider how you will celebrate the festive season and include your child in the planning. The more they engage in activities that are affirming and joyous the more reassurance they gain about the future. We are all talking about the new norm we will live in post the pandemic. Let us at least try to put back some happy normality such as the celebration of Christmas, Summer and holidays. We are fortunate to have this on our doorstep.

• There will soon be the end of the year school functions and it is so important that the children farewell their class in the normal way. Teachers will of course modify the celebrations to suit the occasion but it is a chance to talk about the year and the challenges it has presented. It will be a chance for all school participants to farewell the grief that all felt with such a compromised school this year.

• Try to attend farewell school functions if included as it provides some security and a sense of normality for the child. It also is a vehicle to talk about the modified school year and the loss the child has felt with friendships etc.

• Even though as family lockdown presented all sorts of challenges and opportunities school holidays are all about rest and recovery. Giving your child what would be a normal family Christmas and holiday will be comforting and reassuring after such a tumultuous year. They will love that sense of normality in their life.

Finally, whilst I understand that we’re all talking about what has happened this year, try to reduce the anxious conversation around your child and talk about the hope of Christmas and the New Year. Such talk is healthy for everyone in the family.

Schools are all about problem solving

Do you like problem-solving?  Schools are all about problem-solving. Children are invited to pose questions and go through a process of exploring optional ways of learning about the matter. You could say that it is quite open-ended and some people who are more closed in the way they work feel that inviting questions is not the best way to learn. Whatever your thoughts, education is all about making inquiries and investigating and probing into issues. We are encouraging our children to be problem solvers, to accept that there are various ways to look at a problem and various ways to explore options.

As parents, this is an opportunity to support the child’s learning by being someone who doesn’t put all the answers in front of the child. Your role is to explore questions with your child. Asking questions and together reflecting on different ways to look at a problem. You have many opportunities as a parent to share in this method of teaching children.

Consider:

Schools, problem solving in The Primary Years

• When you are together in the car this is a great time to explore ideas together perhaps about what you see outside.

• Read some content of the newspaper to your child. Discuss some topic that lends itself to being seen from many angles.

• Plan to have a weekly family discussion on some controversial matter. Remember to give your child ample opportunity to respond with ideas. If you watch some news together there is plenty of content there for discussion and general inquiry.

• Tune into some of the work the child is doing at school that may involve a project on some topic. Notice how there are many questions being posed about that topic. Here you can join in with some ideas of your own.

• In engaging with your child through an inquiry approach to ensure that you value their opinions and ask about their sources of information. After all, questioning leads to quite a lot of researching.

• When you see the research that your child is doing on a set topic, tune in with some question’s about the nature of the research and how it fits into the whole topic.

• With younger children, you can still explore with them many of the questions that they ask on a regular basis. They love the question…

“Why?”

This is a chance to explore different answers together.

These thoughts are simply to help parents tune into the nature of the inquiry approach which is all about showing an investigative attitude to all areas of learning. The more we question, the more we explore optional ways of looking at situations and problems.

“Questions are the engines of intellect. The cerebral machines which convert energy to motion, to curiosity, to controlled inquiry.”

— David Hackett Fischer

SO, WE ARE ALL BACK IN ACTION!

How does it feel to be back into weekly routine with the children at school? Much relief I imagine as well as mixed feelings of having less connection to the children throughout the whole day. These times are curious indeed and we will all have various feelings about what is happening, is about to change again and what is safe and constant in our life. As we approach the normal anxiety that comes with Christmas preparations, we are still dealing with settling the children back into school for a few weeks and planning those summer holidays hopefully with more choice than we have at the moment.

No surprises that the family will be a little unsettled as everyone fits back into a routine, wears masks, shops within 25 Kms etc.

Post Covid 19 - and our new routines.

Unusual times calls for some unusual actions to get everyone through the darkest hours. Here are some thoughts to help ease the stress.

• Be kind to yourself, if routine isn’t as you knew it, so be it for the remainder of the year.

• Allow the children to be moody and unsettled as they are still finding their balance back at school and in the home.

• Check in with your child to ensure that they understand what is happening and that they are not being guided by misinformation which can happen through schoolyard gossip.

• Reassure your child that we are getting to the end of the year and with this comes hope for the New Year. We need to build in that component of hope as we work to simply getting better.

• Share family time as with the return of school this will mean less time together and to date, you have had an amazing quality time together.

• Keep up with family activities as these have probably increased over the past few months and they have been a great healing time together. Reduced family time will be a loss for the children.

• Expectations at school will be different and so it is still important to tune into what is being asked of your child. This tells them that your interest in school is still alive.

• Keep family conversations going about how everyone is settling back into routine. The child will feel some loss and gain in all sorts of ways. It is best to talk about these feelings and together work through those shifting emotions.

With a few weeks of the school year left and with the approach of Christmas I have three thoughts on my mind:

Slow down

          laugh together

                    share conversations about this year’s journey.