Is your child actively engaged in the classroom?

I can remember for years watching eager parents look through the school windows to observe how their children were performing in class. It’s natural to be interested in how your child operates and learns in a classroom. After all, they are dealing with peers in a slightly challenging way.  What we need to understand is that all children will respond differently in a classroom setting. Some are talkers and hand wavers for every question. Some just ask questions to be noticed. We call them attention seekers. Others will sit back quietly and observe the others. Some children will disengage quickly and learn to shut down. Often first children in my experience are more cautious, while the second child, more boisterous and interested in engagement with the class and teacher. And so, the variance in the classroom goes on. The question is do some children interfere in the learning of others or are less noisy and engaging children missing out?

The answer is simple. It all comes down to the awareness and skill of the teacher. They understand how their children learn and recognise how each child reacts to them in the classroom. It was common professional talk amongst staff about how to deal with the shifting dynamic of children in their room.

There is no research that I am aware of, that suggests which child will learn the most effectively in a classroom. Different personalities are the order of the day. Teachers will work their class to suit the individual needs of the child. They recognise that some children will need encouragement and guidance in communicating their needs to the teacher. Others need guidance in learning how to control their questioning out loud, so that everyone gets a fair share. I believe that being a quiet or loud child in the classroom does not necessarily mean that they will learn better. Children process and learn in different ways. Also, their relationship with the teacher will have an impact on their confidence in expressing themselves.

Every child will have their unique style of engagement in a classroom.

I suggest:

• Talk to your teacher about how your child responds in class.

• Ask the teacher are there any encouragements I can give them to operate more effectively. Is their style of learning effective?

• Notice how your child operates in the family. Are they quiet, do they listen well or are they the loud and dominant one? I do believe that the order of the child in the family does have an impact on how they respond in a classroom.  You certainly see this in your own family.

• Accept that all children will learn differently and your child, over time, will develop their own style of learning. If there are concerns the teacher will inform you.

• Allow your child to be themselves. There is some truth I believe in …. what you see is what you get. A louder more vocal child enjoys having a strong presence. Quieter children learn from observing others and reflecting on how they will respond.

• The only concern worth noting is when a child perhaps through shyness or lack of confidence is not questioning enough and is not exploring their learning. This needs a chat to the teacher as we know that developing an inquiring mind is how children learn. We do not want them shutting down disengaging from learning. If they close down this can become a habit that is hard to break. When you hear from your child, “I am bored’, beware! This is a sign that their learning is under threat.

Every child will have their unique style of engagement in a classroom. It keeps developing as the child gets older. It is often affected by their success in the learning process and of course positive reinforcement by the teacher.

After building a strong relationship with children, the teacher monitors their responses to learning situations. They weave their way carefully around all children, respecting and enriching their learning style, monitoring children’s response to their teaching and planting seeds where necessary.

“Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a fire.”

— WB Yeats

What are we teaching our children?

There is so much we are teaching our children, this is obvious. What we need to occasionally to reflect on is, the incidental things that occur that are noticed and internalised by our children. Keep in mind that we are all part of the great human condition and by this definition, we are not perfect! However, our children are very clever in picking up the incidentals and shifting moods in our behaviour. These are incidents and occasions where we may let our guard down. For some reason, our children are curious creatures when they see how imperfect we are.

I remember, as the school principal, there was a consistent way of operating and the values exposed were to be consistently displayed. Sometimes life is complicated and principals get compromised. Teachers are excellent at building strong, stable authentic relationships with their children, which generally involves a child excusing them when they slip up on occasions. In my experience, it was common for children who had strong relationships with their teachers, to be quite protective of their failures and misadventures.

As a parent, do our children notice our misdemeanours and are they watching to learn all the incidental behaviours they notice in us? The answer I fear is probably yes. They are always checking into see our legitimacy and how this affects them. Certainly, in working with children, it was clear they understood their parents very well.

Consider the following thoughts to help us live with this subtle pressure from our children:

What incidental things that occur are noticed and internalised by our children?

• Accept and acknowledge with your child that you are not perfect. In fact, what is ‘perfect’?

• Be natural in apologising when you think it necessary. Children really appreciate that you understand that you make mistakes just like them.

• Be relaxed in talking to them and when putting down important rules etc. in the home, acknowledge that you just try your best at all times.

• Talk about how you can sometimes get tired and let your guard down. This is natural and normal.

• Have a laugh with your child when you find yourself not living up to your expectations. This is about showing your human side. We all make mistakes.

• Be aware that small ears listen and love to learn more about you in discreet ways. This may mean compromising some feelings at time to give the right message to your child.

• Watch the language you use around the child especially when talking about others. Much is revealed to a child when we express our opinions about others.

A child loves the parent who is easy to read and comfortable in how they express themselves. They enjoy the journey of learning more about their parents often through different unexpected experiences. This is often the test of being true to ourselves.

“A sensitive child sees the world through the lens of the child.”

—   Unique Teaching Resources

Giving sport a high profile

I hear the debate is raging yet again about providing adequate sport in schools for children. Now I understand it is also about the schools offering defined skills in sport and giving children a real taste of engagement and a sense of feeling active through physical activity.

I understand that schools need to provide sport across the week. It offers children so much on so many physical and social levels. Some years ago, it was mandated by the government, the amount of time that must be given to sport across the week in schools. I can certainly see the reason and respect the concepts behind all of this. However, let’s be realistic. How much can teachers offer to children, given the heightened expectations that are already placed on them. Some teachers have a natural disposition to teach sport, are passionate about it and can teach very specific skills. Not all teachers have that skill and will work to the best of their ability to provide physical exercise and sporting activities but it is not their strength.

If we want to engage our children in sport, I think parents should engage their children in a sports activity that will offer them very specific skills in one area. The argument that rages at the moment is all about getting children involved, interested and passionate about being fitter and enjoying sport as a way of life. This is where parents should take responsibility and as a family engage in sport as a way of life. For example, join a football club, tennis club, swimming team etc. Find the sport that draws your child into it with enthusiasm and a developing drive to improve their performance.

Fabulous benefits of out of school sports

By engaging in organised out of school sport your child will:

• Learn about the value of teams and how they influence the individual.

• Understand how to improve their performance. They will come to recognise in themselves improvement through effort.

• Value healthy competition. Supporting other team members is also a great skill in human compassion and empathy.

• Understand cooperation and teamship.

• Value the importance of being fit.

The list goes on and yes teachers will do their best in the limited time they have to raise the profile of sport for children. However, it will not be the same as children taking part in an organised and well-managed team sport. They will be mixing with like-minded children and enjoy their parent’s involvement. The conversations at home are enriched as you talk about the sporting experiences and joy of the challenge.

 Of course, I caution that parents should research the sporting club and be satisfied that the values are what you want for your child. Once you join the club, you the parents will so gain from meeting like-minded parents.

Sport outside school is also about long term commitment. It requires regular attendance and loyalty to the sporting activities and events. It reduces a child’s downtime at home, which can often lead to reduced hours in front of a screen and it requires good family planning across the week.

Children initially will often vacillate about what sport they wish to join and there is some perseverance needed from parents here. However, keep the longer-term goal in mind. This is about your child actively involved in a sport that builds fitness, raises their awareness and joy of physical fitness and engages them for the long haul in physical sport.

Having a developed appreciation of the value of sport only comes from personal engagement and the joy of feeling well physically.   

“The more difficult the victory, the greater the happiness in winning.”

— Pele

Nine things to think about regarding school

Enjoy a partnership with your Child’s school.

1. We are well into term two. Your child should feel settled, familiar with the class and working comfortably and steadily with the teacher. Trust between the child and the teacher should be well established by now.

2. Homework routines should be just that, routines. Teachers should only be providing homework for your child that is within reason. Check the time your child is doing homework as the later times of the day make for a difficult task.

3. Check in with the tiredness of your child. The weather is closing in, days are cold and children can be less motivated.  Try to keep up the momentum and throw in a few treats along the way.

4. Is your child well established with friendship groups? This is all about feeling capable with peers. It does not mean that everyone should have a special friend. In fact, the more inclusive the better. If your child is unsettled in this area have a chat with your teacher. Relationships with peers is important for their mental wellbeing and social growth.

5. Teachers will be writing reports and soon there will be the parent teacher chats. Talk to your child about how they are going with midyear work. Don’t let the parent teacher chat be the first time you have talked to your child about their school work. This should be an ongoing interest. The parent teacher chat should not come as a surprise to you. It should be a time of hearing reassuring words from the teacher and coming away with an understanding of where the child needs to go next in their learning.

6. Have you changed anything important in the family that the school needs to know? Often addresses, phone numbers etc. can change and the school needs current information especially with regard to emergency numbers.

7. The school is a very stable hub for your child throughout the year. Keep it in mind if you need support. Chat to the principal if you have queries or need to learn more. It is amazing what you will learn from a chat.

8. If you are the one who picks up your child after school, I advise being on time. At this stage of the year children can get tired and need reassurance. This is especially the case with the younger ones. Being on time is reassuring to them. This also applies to being on time in the morning. Children can become quite unsettled if walking into a classroom late.

9. Watch the balance between afterschool activities and the pressure of school. Check in with your child about this as sometimes afterschool activities can just tip them over the edge.

Oh, what a difference a school makes!

‘The mind once enlightened cannot become dark.’

-Thomas Paine 

Help your child develop their creative side

It is such a joy watching our children spring into creative moments. These can often be spontaneous and can take on many forms. As a parent, we should support their creative side as it can be stifled so easily with practicality, logic, do the right thing, be reasonable, etc. There is no shortage of sensible reasons why creativity can be stifled.

Of course, everything within reason but children are naturally curious and creative. They love to explore and dream. They are not inhibited to begin with and grow to being free and expressive in their minds and bodies if allowed.

Perhaps you are a creative person? If you are more inclined to demonstrate self-discipline, put things in order, monitor time etc. you may find at times their creative behaviour off putting. This article is to invite you to lighten up in this area. Allow your children to just be and to enjoy the moment.

Here are some reasons why creativity, given plenty of scope enlivens and strengthens the wellbeing and mental health of the child and stimulates amazing learning.

Our child’s spontaneous creativity enlivens and enlightens our adulthood.

• Being creative gives the child the right to express themselves. Great authors, painters etc. needed creative time to explore and develop their talents.

• Children will make mistakes and this is part of experimentation in being creative. Without error, a child cannot grow and learn in new directions. A child who is celebrated at home for their creativity, feel free to keep exploring. They love the fact that you acknowledge and affirm their creative spirit. This spurs them on.

• If a child is stunted with their creativity, they can become quite unhappy and mental health issues can creep into their life. It is not natural for a child to be uncreative.

• When children play, they are actually being creative. Encourage it and join in the experience. It will make for better family time.

• Never tell a child that their creativity is not satisfactory. There is no assessment or value placed on being creative. By nature, it is free and can develop in any direction. No surprises that teachers are always looking to strengthen the child’s creative disposition. They know that from such a journey comes insightfulness and real learning.

• Think about the people you admire. Is creativity part of their world? Often creative people are very expressive and not inhibited by controlled thinking. Don’t be put off by people that seem to see life from different angles. Even your own child may be seeing life from a different lens than your own.

• Often, we say, think outside the square. In today’s workforce people who think differently offer a great deal to companies who are not seeking more of the same.  The workforce seeks and demands creative employees who can look at problems in different ways.

• If a child is encouraged to see the world from practical eyes and not to value creativity their world will shrink and only predictability and reliability will be valued.

• A child by nature of being a child sees the world creatively. They are generally not inhibited by nature which gives them the optimum chance to see the world from many angles and to create new dimensions in that world.

 We can learn from our child’s spontaneous creativity and this enlivens and enlightens our adulthood which can be driven by order and control. In simple terms it allows us to lighten up!

“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”

— Nicola Manetta

Getting back to routine after lockdown

Tricky times requires creative thinking and for our children going back to school is a relief as well as creating some anxiety about yet again fitting in to school. There is no doubt the times are challenging and our children will look back on this period with some trepidation and for them, it is a new norm.

This article is a simple one. It is all about helping your child be comfortable and adjust to the “not so routine” of life and school. They are living with the ever-threatening idea of yet another lockdown and this must cause some trepidation as they attempt to go back to school and fit into the school plan.

 Consider the following thoughts.

• Be flexible. Everything is changing including the teacher’s expectations with the children. Accept that difference is part of the new norm.

• The permanency for your child is the stability of the family. Your constant presence in their life is a powerful support for them in today’s climate. Try to ensure that routines, schedules etc. are in place again. This creates some safe reassurance for the child.

• Check in with your child’s social life. Are they happily engaging with their friends or are they somewhat reticent to reignite friendships? Chat to your child’s teacher if this is a problem. Children can easily feel unsettled with friends after such intermittent breaks from school.

• Ensure your child has a balanced amount of sleep and recreation across the week. They certainly need to set up a balance that will be consistent across the week and feel reassured that the routine will be part of their norm.

• School holidays will soon be starting. Given the isolated, online work they have just had, start planning this time with your child. This should be a productive time and one that gives your child joy, physical opportunities, some adventure and quiet time.

• Keep the conversation flowing with regard to all the progress being made with vaccines etc. Our children need to understand the times they are living through. Their understanding may carry with it some anxiety but it should be filled with accurate knowledge on the management of the virus. Of course, the information to be given must be age-appropriate.

Finally, children thrive on being happy and having a sense of hope and optimism in their world. For this to be achievable they rely on you, the parent. Keeping the focus for the future on a positive note is such an important part of the parent’s work in today’s climate where unpredictability thrives and their foundational years can be shaken. You are the rock upon which the foundation is built.

“It’s not simply the learning..
It’s the stability. Stability is essential in the lives of children.”

—   Pedro Noguera

8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times

With the lockdown yet again comes some very low, unsettling feelings for some families. Here are some quick tips to keep a positive momentum happening at home in the long days.

• Be positive. Talk to your child about the life-saving measures of lockdown including the fact that our government is putting our safety ahead of all other matters. This is an important part of a humane society. Try to keep the political discussion out of it.

• Talk about the amazing speed of vaccine development. It has happened so quickly and very skilled scientists are working around the clock to improve our health and to find solutions quickly.

• Talk about contact tracing and how measures are put in place to locate people exposed to the virus. The organisation in this exercise is immense.

• Keep the work online in proportion to the day’s events. Too much online school activities can make for being alone and unhappy. It is hard to feel successful while working online with school activities.  Build in sport or some other recreation and spontaneous laughter during the day. After all, this is a quality time to be with the family, where there is the least interference.

• Give your child updated information, age-appropriate of course. With all the negative and unsettling news, children need the truth about the state of the coronavirus outbreak.

• Keep them away from unsettling newspapers that focus on dramatic headlines that are questionable in truth. This is not a time for whipping up more anxiety.

• Build a few happy, surprise treats into the day. A little bit of extra sugar won’t hurt but can lift the spirits across the days. We are in unique times and we just need to be creative in the way we engage with our family. We need to be more flexible and use our initiative to break the tension that builds.

• Whilst I am always arguing about monitoring the use of technology in the hands of children, now is an important time for them to be in touch with their friends. Talking to friendship groups is comforting and reassuring for children.

Finally, keep in mind that your children will look back on these extreme times and appreciate how you managed their journey through the pandemic and most especially, the lockdowns etc. Being present for them, conscious to keep a happy momentum, informing accurately and capitalising on quality time together is the answer to managing these difficult times.

“Laughter is a tranquiller with no side effects.”

— Author unknown

Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?

Let’s take some pressure off ourselves and look at this lockdown week. Schools are busy writing reports, and summating work etc. Their focus is very much on these midyear reports for which teachers are so accountable. Given their work overload, I would be surprised if work set online would have high expectations as the teachers have limited time to plan for these online activities.

This week I would be encouraging the children to fulfil the teacher’s requirements, but also concentrate more on keeping up the reading and working on progressive projects etc.

This is also a week for once again capitalising on time together. In the early days of winter just get outside, bike ride, walk, jog, play games etc; that will take the focus of yet another lockdown away from everyone’s minds.

 We certainly can get caught up with negative rhetoric that is around but by focussing on some positive experiences together as a family especially engaging in happy physical activities, the time will slip away.

There are some important conversations worth having with children as we enter a time of more anxiety around the pandemic.

Consider:

There are some important conversations worth having with children as we enter a time of more anxiety around the pandemic.

• Keeping up to date with the current situation. Discuss this with your child and make the conversation age-appropriate. Keep the information simple to grasp and invite your child to ask questions that may be troubling them.

• Many newspapers present very distressing news items. It seems they are all about the blame game and sadly remind us of the worst of the situation. Be careful about what printed material is in front of children. Disturbing headings can build anxiety. Keep to the facts. Control the accurate facts around the children.

• Talk about the incredible and speedy breakthroughs we are having with vaccines. This is a wonderful conversation about how science is such a gift to humanity. It is also showing the amazing ingenuity of the human race. This is a great time to learn about other scientists and their amazing breakthroughs in science.

• Keep an eye out for the information sent home from school. The staff are struggling through these difficult times and will want to offer the best to their children. Do not compare how different schools are responding to the lockdown. All school environments have their own approach to working through issues and especially now they need your support and reassurance.

• Keep in mind that we are living through very different times and our societal responses to the changing virus are never planned in and for the long term. It is all about short term responses to changing virus conditions.

We are teaching our children to be resilient and tolerant of change that will help everyone. This is a new phenomenon and it is all about empathy and the Common Good. This is a great time to talk about the importance of the Common Good. This is a big challenge for those that focus on the Me generation.

“Alone we can do so little. Together we can do so much.”

— Helen Keller

A few thoughts on school in the month of May

Hopefully, a routine is now well underway. Children should be very familiar with their teacher and class. Homework processes should be well established and weekly patterns with sport afterschool etc. well entrenched in the family’s life.

There are always changes and challenges in a classroom, not the least of which is the social exchanges that happen between children. This is worth checking in on from time to time. Talk to your child and when in doubt the teacher will have the wisdom and knowledge to know about any incident.

Here are some thoughts to keep the school and home life churning away comfortably in partnership:

• Frequently talk to your child about the progress of school. Tuning into school discussion is a way of showing ongoing interest even in the ordinary times.

• Keep an eye on homework patterns and remember if the homework is a struggle talk to the teacher, do not resolve it at home. There are many theories about the value or not of homework. It certainly should not be causing family disruption when the child isn’t coping. It is not the role of the parent to take over homework. The ownership belongs to the school.

• Attend school information nights or class visits when invited. It is so important to keep up the momentum with your child, that school is important and the information they give out is valuable. Your presence at the school means so much to your child.

• Keep an eye on the sleep your child gets during school weeks. As the term progresses, winter creeps in, children can be prone to sickness and fatigue.

• Is your child coping with the amount of afterschool activities? This should be looked at in light of their capacity in coping with school, homework etc. More activities do not make for a richer experience. It is all about finding the right balance.

• Talk about your child’s friends. Be interested in them. It is most important to a child that their friendships are valued by the family. They rely so much on them for social and emotional support. Your approval adds to their sense of satisfaction.

• Read the school newsletter around the family. This is an excellent way to keep in touch and discuss with your child the various aspects of the life of the school.

• Use your fridge as a way of talking about school. Put notices on the fridge, refer to them often.

• Younger students, especially those in the foundation years get school fatigue after a few weeks at school during the term. Keep an eye on this and certainly, keep them home if they need a small break. Best that they are at school happy and learning rather than developing a sense of sadness and tiredness.  Of course, negotiation with your teacher is most important here.

During the school term, it is important to ensure that the life of the school which is such a focus for your child is given high priority in the family.  It should not be competing with family demands. This is comforting to your child when they feel that what happens in the day does not stay in the day, it can be discussed happily at night. We want our children to sense a strong interconnection between school and home. They need to see that the learning and life experiences they gain at school which are wide and variable have a real place in the life of the family.

“At the end of the day, the most overwhelming key to a child’s success is the positive involvement of parents.”

— Jane D Hull

The value of teaching about choice

Our children should learn that making choices is a very powerful tool in making sound informed decisions in life. Of course, we can make choices that do not give the outcome we expect and can of course lead to failure. However, making such a choice is also a valuable learnt experience.

Making choices begins to define our character. It aligns us in certain directions and it can be a turning point on many directions. Our children make choices all the time. The key point here is to teach them that making choices is a powerful statement to others of who they are and what they value. We also learn to own our choices and to understand that what we choose should be seen proactively.

Here are some thoughts on helping children understand that choices influence and direct their world:

• Talk about some choices you may have made over the years. Some were very successful and perhaps others required a rethink and reset.

• Teach your child that making a choice is a privilege. We can make decisions but they will be owned and lived through by yourself.

• When discussing optional matters that can be chosen remind them that the choice they make should be one from which they grow and learn. It should be a proactive and mature choice that leads to a healthy outcome. They must own the outcome and not regret it but move forward no matter what. There is no blame when you choose to make a choice.

Classrooms have many occasions when children make choices. This is especially the case when working on projects. Teachers encourage them to think through their choice such that they will gain the knowledge and learning they want from the exercise. Here teachers are encouraging them to think through the choices they make.

Parents should plan to set up a working relationship with their children which does give them many occasions to make choices. The more you can encourage this, the quicker they develop independent thinking and begin to be selective in their planning. As a parent delaying their ability to make choices delays their interest in self-management. We want our children to have the confidence to make choices fully aware of their actions and aware that they own the outcome.

Slow and steady support in this area will give our children the confidence to be independent thinkers, enlightened and well-rounded individuals.

‘The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.’

                      -Alfie Kohn

“The fact is that kids learn to make good decisions, by making decisions, not by following directions.”

— Alfie Kohn

Being learner is a lifelong exercise

Do you enjoy being exposed to new information? Do you show your child all the new things you have learnt over the day? Are you excited about new information that comes your way?

The more we show our children that learning is ongoing and that it is a life long journey, the more they will engage with new experiences, be less fearful of new concepts and be driven to learn.

The good news about living in a technologically driven world is that children are exposed to new information constantly and whilst this comes with its own set of problems, we cannot bemoan the fact that they can access so much information in a heartbeat. The trick here is to establish how useful the information is to their learning. This is all about learning to be discerning with information.

This blog is simply about encouraging your child to see learning as a wonderful life-giving experience. It is not just a five hour a day, classroom experience.

This article is also about encouraging your child to read books, magazines, use internet to gather information etc. There are many sources of learning that involve listening, as well as reading. Developing an insatiable appetite for learning is what it is all about.

If you, the parent demonstrate that you are a learner and enjoy the experience of gathering and reflecting on new information, this will impact on your child’s perception of what learning is all about.

Learning is more than 5 hours in the classroom

 Consider what you teach your child:

• Is your home scattered with books, sources of information and is it an environment where conversation and debate are present and encouraged?

• Children begin to see learning as a mental habit, something done regularly so that knowledge is built upon. Once starved of new information, the child feels vulnerable.

• They grow to look forward to learning new concepts. They see it as a natural process to simply keep learning.

• Your child once hungry for knowledge has become a lifelong learner. They see and crave new knowledge.  They come to appreciate that knowledge is power.

• You teach them that having an inquiring mind exposes you to so much learning. You are the mentor in developing their thirst for learning.

• Your constant inquiry, asking questions, probing ideas etc. will demonstrate to your child that being inquisitive is healthy. You encourage its presence in your children.

Children who love gaining knowledge feel strengthened by the experience and are not easily disengaged. The knowledge they gain builds mental stamina and gives them credibility amongst peers. Their emotional intelligence is accelerated as they feel more in touch with mentally being in control.

“Once you stop learning, you start dying.”

— Albert Einstein

Positive talk with your child around the Naplan

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

If your child is sitting the Naplan test then I recommend approaching the situation in a positive way and give your child the reassurance they need that Naplan, in the scheme of things has little relevance.

 Consider:

• Talk to your child about all that you have learnt about them through the teacher.

• Remind them that your teacher is the best person to tell you how you are progressing at school. Remind your child that education, learning is about building up knowledge. It is not about picking out a special test to compare you to a larger cohort of children.

• If you feel that your child is anxious about the test arrange a parent-teacher interview with your child to give the child reassurance about their ability to learn.

• Also remind your child that the teacher does regular testing which is accurate as it is cumulative and that is what you learn about progress.

• Once you obtain the Naplan results ensure that you talk positively about your child’s progress and offer positive reassuring words about the value of all the education across the year.

• Talk to your child about your views on Naplan. If you are of a similar mind and question its value as an educational tool, discuss this with your child. It can take the pressure of the test putting things into a better perspective.

• Remind your child that it is one test in one day. How relevant is that in the schema of life?

• Talk generally about testing done at school. Reminding your child that its primary purpose is to guide teachers in their planning. Well planned teachers teach very well. Their results are more accurate as they are cumulative and above all they know your child!

• Try to avoid talking negatively about Naplan issues, media, news etc. as children still talk to each other and build anxiety from what they hear around them.

• Talk to your teacher about how Naplan is distributed and administered. Talking to your child about these practical issues can reduce anxiety on the day.

• Children need to know that you value their journey of learning which is long, extensive and variable. Reminding them of this decreases the relevance of a standardised test once a year.

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs one step at a time.”

— Joe Girard

Self-control, a great tool to learn

No surprise when we think about our children’s lack of self-control. They are more prone to struggle with self-regulation when it comes to emotions. The younger the child, the more likely self-control is not the norm. This is our chance to teach our children that self-regulation, more specifically self-control is a better choice. It is a learnt skill and does not automatically happen just because we grow up.

Once again, the modelling seen around the child and the amount of self-regulation they see happening impacts their capacity and interest in developing self-control. It is very easy to lose it. We know as adults what presses our buttons and how this can impact self-control even though we have a trained brain knowing that lack of control spirals us straight down.

Schools are great spaces to teach children self-control. With a classroom and on the playground, children have many occasions to demonstrate that they are in control. Teachers recognise it as a skill and teach children that using self-control gives them so many advantages physically, socially, intellectually and emotionally. They understand that from time to time this breaks down according to a child’s maturity but gradual improvement and affirmation when self-control is demonstrated is the key in schools.

It is all about controlling the will, the desire to have and to obtain despite any controls. Our will power can control so much of our self-control over matters.

 Consider:

• Do you give your child affirmation when they demonstrate self-control even over simple matters? Remember that learning self-discipline is about acquiring life skills. It can be taught and definitely acknowledged when evidenced.

• In your household is their ongoing examples of self-control? Are you quick to lose it and this of course spirals down to general discontent for everyone?

• As a child develops self-control this means that unselfishness and care for others is growing in importance in their mind.

‘Well done. You gave that cake to your brother. You are such an unselfish child.’

 Naming the unselfish act is important.

• If at times self-control is not evidenced at home, this is a great time to talk about what went wrong and who was impacted. This also applies to the adults when they let their guard down with self-control.

‘I am sorry that I shouted at you. I wasn’t thinking of how it would be upsetting. I should have just slowed down.’

• Lessons are learnt with ease when we admit as adults that we sometimes lose self-control but we reflect on its impact on others. This is how we learn effectively.

• When you see examples of others showing restraint and demonstrate self-control talk about it to your child. Mention all the positive implications it has on others.

Teaching self-control is incremental and over time the child comes to see that managing themselves better gives them a better relationship with others. Our job as parents is to support their understanding that self-control is a life skill enriching their well-being and others.

‘Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.’

-Abraham Lincoln

Can we slow down and smell the roses?

We live in a world that is so busy constantly. In fact, I will be bold enough to say that we worship speed and value being inundated with information all the time. Social media, our mobiles etc. are all about using technology to speed up information and to be constantly informed.

Our children live in such a world and teachers spend much of their time keeping pace with the pressure of teaching, and at the same time trying to get children to value a slower pace.

Worshipping speed and the overload of information that it can give does not lead to thinking through a balanced understanding of issues.

However, our children are born into the notion that speed and amount of information measures knowledge.

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down

There are many advantages in teaching your child the advantage of slowing down. Firstly, it invites them to process the information gently and it highlights the importance of ensuring that the information so gained is not destroyed by the overload of extra information that comes in so quickly.

Teachers recognise that simply gaining more information fast does not necessarily teach a child anymore. They recognise and value the importance of processing information carefully and with attention to detail.

 The following thoughts help us support our children who are overly exposed to information:

• When a child uses internet to gather information, take time with them to decipher what is real and not so real in evaluating information.

• Engage in activities with your child that are single based. This means simply enjoy bike rides or ice creams together. Enjoyment does not need to be any more complicated.

• When you choose family holidays, choose holidays that are not overcomplicated. Do you find for example too many visitors interrupt such simple time with family? Is it necessary to plan holidays that are entertaining every single day?

• Activities such as sitting together and working on a cross word puzzle are excellent opportunities to simply stay focussed together on one activity for a prolonged period.

• Teach your child that overstimulation can lead to fatigue and does not give clarity.

• Demonstrate by your own example how working slowly and carefully through issues is a better way to solve problems and feel successful in outcomes.

We simply teach our children that slowing down and taking time to achieve tasks has within it much reward. We smell the roses when we successfully feel satisfied in our strong and steady achievements.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while you could miss it.”

— Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Teaching our children the value of courtesy

A strange word and one that represents so much of valuing the other person. It says that the other person has value. The question here is how much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others. It is, I would say, a very underrated gift that can definitely benefit a person in building trusting relationships. If we are not courteous, respecting the other’s person’s right to an opinion how can we establish relationships, accept difference etc?

I was always curious to find that when choosing school captains, teachers and students requested a child that valued the other person. They wanted a school captain that respected and was courteous to each and everyone in the school. Such a value was demanded in a leadership position. This also applied to classroom leadership positions, sport captains etc.

How much value is placed in today’s world on being courteous or considerate to others?

In a classroom setting, teachers will set up activities, games, group work etc, all requiring a strong aspect of being courteous and respecting fellow students. Children know that without such a value they cannot work with each other fairly and come to value difference. Being courteous stimulates conversations in a non-threatening way.

When I worked with children it was most important to ensure that the child knew that despite the problem, I was courteous and valued their presence. They were an individual of value and credibility and that should at all times be present in our conversations and in my mind. Once courtesy is apparent in conversations no matter how difficult, resolutions are more likely to happen. Trust then creeps into the relationship and more understanding and tolerance of difference appears.

Consider:

• When in dialogue with your child always keep in mind the sensitivity of the situation and how you value their humanity by being always courteous. Being abusive immediately shuts down real conversation.

• Demonstrate to your child that you are a courteous person to people you meet. You may have some personal differences but still the presence of showing courtesy to that person is a powerful message to your child.

• Talk about courteous people that you admire. What do you like about them? Notice that people who are courteous are often gentle people who do not use intimidatory power of being loud and aggressive in style.

• When you are talking to people such as teachers, school parents etc. it is so important that your child sees how comfortable you are in treating them well through conversation. It is all about looking and accepting that in everyone there is good.

• When you talk about them privately keeping up that courteous talk is so important.  What you are telling your children is that people should be treated with respect no matter how I differ from their opinion. It is a helpful habit in negotiating through differences.

Teach your child that you may disagree with someone but you still respect their right to an opinion. You will therefore talk with them and around them courteously. You will recognise that their voice has value and has a right to be heard with courtesy.

‘Teach your kids to be polite right now.

So, when they grow up, they can:

Speak without being bossy.

Inspire without intimidation.

Lead without being tyrants and live life to their full potential

Powerfully, Vibrantly, Harmoniously.’

-AFineParent.com

Discipline or restorative healing?

No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.

Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.

This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.

          “I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.

Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”

You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.

          “Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”

 Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem. 

Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.

“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”

The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.

Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation.

 A few thoughts:

• Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation. Anger only encourages the child to shut down. Teachers understand very well that if they express anger without listening to the child, they will lose credibility. Solving the problem and moving on effectively then becomes a much bigger problem.

• Keep everything in proportion. How serious was the problem? Perhaps it just needed a simple reminder?

• Do the consequences fit the behaviour?

• Are you taking over too much of the resolution and not including your child in the discussion throughout the process?

• Check-in with your child after the resolution of the problem. Is your relationship intact after dealing with the behaviour?

• Check-in with yourself to ensure that you have moved on. Carry no bitterness or malice.

• Remember that many of the problems are about being a child, making mistakes and learning to grow. They will be short term and in a child’s life, there will be many repeated times to deal with consequences. Therefore, take it all in your stride and do not personalise issues.

• If you have noticed an increased need to put consequences in place, check-in with your relationship with the child. Is all well in this area? Do I need to take time out to spend some individual healing time with my child?

Finally, whenever you have dealt with a problem, discussed the matter and dealt fairly with consequences, there will be growth and hopefully a broadening of understanding where forgiveness, mutual understanding and empathy grow.

“Conflict is not a problem that needs solving but a phenomenon that needs understanding.”

— Dominic Berter.

How to learn about patience

This is a tricky one for children. By nature, they are slow to be patient especially when they are young. They are living in a fast pace world where social media teaches them that instant gratification and immediate response is to be expected and highly valued. One could say that learning patience is an outdated skill. Consider even simple things. For example, do we wait to have hot cross buns at Easter? No, we find them in the shops as early as February when the last dying ambers of Christmas are present.

We live in a world where instant satisfaction is expected and is regarded as the norm. It is not seen as impatience but a necessary requirement of daily life. It is all about we have a right to be happy all the time because we deserve getting what we want.

Teaching patience, therefore, is necessary as it does not come as an innate skill. People who work hard at being patient learn the art of waiting and with it the appropriate rewards. With patience comes a sense of being at peace and controlling the stress of having things straight away.

Fortunately, school teaches about the value of patience and accordingly rewards children for demonstrating an ability to be patient. Walk into any classroom and you will see many signs referring to dates when certain activities and celebrations will occur. There is often an excitable countdown to a special day. Children must wait for their name to be called out and at times may not be chosen straight away for activities. They have to go with the flow and learn the art of patience. And so, the list of reasons why patience is needed and demanded is clear in a school setting.

At home there are many occasions when patience can be encouraged as a great gift and is highly valued in your family. Waiting for a birthday is a typical one. The anticipation builds and then the excitement of the day. The wait is over and accordingly rewarded.

 Consider:

We all find it difficult to be patient. This is not an innate skill.

• Can you think of several occasions across the week, month etc. when you can reinforce and reward a child’s patience?

• Put up calendar dates on the fridge that you are looking forward to. Talk about the wait and the anticipation that is building.

• Do you know and admire patient people? Talk about them to your child. How were they rewarded? What made them so likeable?

• Ask your child about the times they had to be patient in their school day. Note how being patient kept the class moving.

• Demonstrate patience to your child in your own life.

“I have an important meeting with my boss this week.  I will wait patiently for this as I think it is about my promotion.”

• How about the general nature of being patient? We wait to be served in a restaurant or perhaps we are in a queue at the supermarket. There are many daily occasions when patience is needed. These are perfect times to show your child that being patient is the best way forward. Impatience only leads to stress and poor behaviour on occasions.

Slowly and steadily, you can demonstrate and highlight times when patience wins the day. A child needs positive examples, especially as the anxiousness of society deans quick and immediate responses.

“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”

— Helen Keller

The value of leisure

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us. It is worth contemplating how we use leisure time and how this influences our children.

How we show commitment and prioritise is all about leisure time. Are we a family that hitches up the caravan and disappears to the beach? Leisure time should be modelled for the children as high-quality hours quite separated from the hustle and bustle of work, school, etc.

The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us.

Children need to learn that there are clear separations with leisure time from regular life. This teaches them that leisure time is an important investment in life. It nourishes the soul as well as the body.

The more they come to value the experiences, the more they will be searching for it in their own lives.

Take care to ensure that leisure is active and engaging. Watching television, screen time on computers is not giving direct attention to breaking from routine and setting up activities that provide real leisure for all the family.

Teachers invite students to plan leisure activities that will be enjoyed by the whole class. Often this involves active activities such as sport, art etc.  Sometimes school excursions are all about celebrating leisure time together. It is a great bonding agent.

 A few thoughts about developing sound leisure time:

• Invite the whole family into a discussion about how they want to use leisure time.

• Take risks. Suggest new leisure activities that take everyone out of their comfort zones. Our character reflects the leisure we choose.

• Research what is available and within your parameters as a family.

• Plan leisure time regularly and talk about it as part of your family routine. Let it become an important way of life and not just an incidental holiday.

• Get the children involved in the planning and if it involves gathering and packing equipment, this can be a wonderful way for them to become involved. Let them own some of the leisure plans and preparations.

Remind yourself that creating effective leisure time with the family is yet another way of supporting their mental growth and demonstrating the value of rest and recovery from the routine of life. It strengthens self-awareness and is an important way of expressing family.

“‘In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are.’”

— Ovid

Celebrate: it’s a key player in setting life time standards

We all love a celebration. They are so important in our understanding of the values and beliefs we all share in a family. These celebrations are strong reminders to our children that we value something special and we want to gather to remember or acknowledge an important time in our life.

Children look forward to celebrations and given that they may repeat themselves such as birthdays, anniversaries, rituals etc. a child will over time have them entrenched in their thinking as part of their life.

Schools set up celebratory dates from the beginning of the year. They understand that a celebration can be an opportunity to deepen the children’s awareness of some value etc. Take for example, the school’ anniversary each year of Anzac Day. The teachers will use this occasion to reinforce the values of that event and also celebrate the life of those men and woman who died for their country.

There are many aspects to celebrations. Sometimes it is simply about joy and sometimes it may have a deeper meaning such as a religious occasion, anniversary of someone’s life etc.

Keep in mind that the particular celebrations you share as a family reflect your unique qualities and are a chance to reinforce the richness of your family.

The following ideas may help in this area:

• List the celebrations for the year with your child. Perhaps you may add in any extras that are important to celebrate given the circumstances.

• Talk about why you celebrate the occasions and how you want to celebrate it. Children are wonderful at creating ideas for a celebration. Remember happy, positive, long term memories are born from such experiences. My children still vividly remember shopping for and buying a wedding anniversary cake for myself and husband when they were preteenagers. They were so excited to plan and surprise us and they still remember this occasion after many years.

• When something special happens in the family is it an occasion to gather perhaps for a meal and celebrate it together? Be an opportunist and find reasons to celebrate. You won’t have to look far.

• Think about celebrating what you want to see more of. Perhaps your child may be working hard to improve their writing and they find success through this. Then share a meal and praise their efforts. It doesn’t take much to see things that you would like to acknowledge.

• Be creative in how you celebrate and invite your child into the planning process. In this way, they will take more ownership of the event. They will remember the occasion more profoundly.

“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”

— James Baldwin

Fight, flight or go with the flow.

Do you have one of these tendencies when you are dealing with a conflictual issue? Sometimes our determination, sense of self-worth and anxiety about failure can take over and rather than losing face we can choose a flight or fight mode to cope. From time to time we switch into different modes. Flight and fight are a form of escapism from combined resolution.

Children will naturally experiment with all three modes and as they mature, we hope that they will be more inclined to read the signs and go with the flow avoiding failure. Rather this is more about understanding the circumstances, being tolerant of other’s opinions and not wearing the problem. It takes considerable maturity to go with the flow and compromise your way of being. However, after time you begin to realise the advantages of it.

Flowing with the situation requires discernment and developing the wisdom to cope with the situation, not personalise the matter and not get stressed. This may mean compromising your principals but it is also about thinking of others and valuing their input.

Parents who take on the fight model will eventually struggle as the child gets older. Fleeing is a model where we avoid situations that can eventually grow into a much more complex problem.

Are you a fight, flight or go with the flow type of parent?

Modelling for our children the art of flowing is teaching them that fight or flight is short term satisfaction. To flow keeps you in the discussion and hopefully, you still have stakes in the matter.

Teachers are all about negotiation and compromise. They teach children that when they are faced with a problem it is best to confront it and together with the other person negotiate a way though. If a teacher uses the model of fighting to win, they understand that eventually, their power runs out and no real resolution is made other than damaged relationships.

 Consider:

• When discussing matters with your child that can be unsettling, take care not to immediately resort to power to end the matter. This is likened to fighting to win and will eventually be unsuccessful. Negotiate. Talk to your child about what is on their mind and be prepared to discuss the matter calmly. Using the fight mode tells your children that the matter is unsettling for you and perhaps you are not the right person to talk to about the issue.

• Parents can use flight by refusing to talk to their child about matters that they don’t want discussed. Escaping from such conversations can lead to children seeking resolution elsewhere.

• Always be prepared to listen and discuss. You may be surprised at what you learn.

• If you child has a tendency to fight or to run away from issues, gently engage with them and help them talk through the problem calmly and without judgement.

• Teach your child that being prepared to listen, can lead to new information. Once you listen it is easier to go with the flow and simply you work through the problem more easily. You are more inclined to have a positive input into problems or conflict if people see you as someone who is fair and reasonable in discussing matters that are sensitive.

“If you want to fly give up everything that weighs you down.”

— Gurubogsa