What do we accept and what do others accept?

I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.

It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.

Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.

• Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.

• Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.

• Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.

• Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times.  Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.

• Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.

• Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.

This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.

‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’

- Joseph Cornell

Family rituals

You are probably creating some new ones during this lockdown. Family rituals are all about setting up special times or events that celebrate some aspect of your family life. They are a beneficial tool in building and strengthening families. They are an important foundational aspect of building family life. Activities become a ritual when the family practises regular times or occasions when they come together for that express purpose. After a while, it then becomes a tradition.

There are many forms of rituals and of course families develop their own traditions and celebrations that become embedded into your family life. If you are a family that practises a religion then you will be very familiar with ritual. For those families who develop their own style of ritual, it becomes an important aspect of your unique family life. It is a sacred statement present in your family.

Schools are very keen on the rituals that make them unique. A school will build into their calendar a series of events across the year which are unique to them. This gives them individuality and brings everyone together to celebrate what makes them special. A school motto will have in it words that symbolise what the school stands for. A school will take up opportunities to come together and celebrate who they are through their rituals which become traditions. School assemblies are always a time to sing the school song and national anthem, present awards etc. The regularity of such assemblies becomes a pattern that is important in school ritual.

Rituals can be as simple as ensuring that everyone eats together once a week at the family table. It can be about family patterns that everyone participates in such as having a regular games night or enjoying together a takeaway night. Celebrations such as Christmas are an excellent time for family ritual to be present and alive in families.

Children need and crave rituals in their life as they ground them to what is familiar and safe. Of course, no surprises that many teenagers begin to question family rituals, but what goes around comes around. As they mature, they begin to identify with what they held dear in their growing up days and they learn to build ritual into their own life.

Think about what makes your family unique and start talking about how regular time spent together doing something special is family ritual.

Think about:

• The activities that you do together that are a regular item at home and valued by everyone.

• Do you have some family habits that are worth developing? For example, is there a family night to watch movies?

• Are you a family that exercises together regularly? This can become quite a serious and important part of the family dynamic.

• Talk to the family about aspects of your life that are important to you. The more the child realises that there are aspects of their family that are precious and unique, they begin to see family as a safe and secure place.

In working with children, I always noticed that the more vulnerable children especially valued routine and familiar settings. They felt secure about the regularity of what happened in their classroom. They were conscious of the timetable, lunch hours, playtime etc. They could easily identify with what made them happy through routine and regular planning.

We all need ritual in our life and a family setting provides the climate to nurture rituals and celebrations that are uniquely owned by the members of that family.

Reflect on your family and the rituals that are present. Perhaps there are a few that with some teasing out can become very special to you as a family.

‘Ritual is important to us as human beings. It ties us to our traditions and our histories.’

Miller Williams

Five great tips to help our kids and ourselves in these difficult times

1. Are you someone that tries hard to make everything right all the time? If this is the case you must be on overdrive during the lockdown. I would say quite exhausted. Try easing off a little. Are there things you can simply not do? These are unusual times and require unusual approaches.  A little less can be better.

We have all said that we are in a new norm. Consider putting less pressure on yourself by not demanding as much from yourself and the children. Accept that the world has changed. Less mental clutter from expecting too much will ease the tension for everyone. Mental clutter comes from too much to think about without eliminating any of the worries on your mind.

2. When exercising with the kids, try setting little goals.

‘Today we will ride to the park and tomorrow will we will cycle a bit further around the creek”.

Here it is all about shifting the goal posts a little and motivating the children to do better and achieve a little more. It certainly gets the enthusiasm going for everyone. We all need something like a small challenge to get us motivated.

3. Children thrive on routine and feel so secure when they know what is happening. Put a set plan into the day with school work, lunch, etc. all planned. At the end of the day, it is recreation and fun time. It certainly is a motivator for the children. Involve them in the plan and assess how it all went after the day or the week. They will feel comfortable and secure with the routine and look forward to their free time to stretch their legs.

4. Unclutter. Keep the day simple and the house even simpler. The more we clutter, the more we think we have things to do. When you break away from the house for a walk etc. note how things just fade away.

5. Now is not a time to be extraordinarily disciplined and in control of everything. There is enough mental discipline coming from our lockdown instructions. Loosen up a little and enjoy the experience of just being family. Afterall it is such an extraordinary time to be together. Try and savour this time which will never come back again in the same format. Treasure it.

“Tough times don’t last. But tough people do.”

— Robert H. Schuller

Take care with words

We often hear that sticks and stones can break your bones but names can never hurt you. I wonder!

Children are very easily affected by words and negative words will often be the bread and butter of feeling bullied and less secure. Words that are used in haste by parents can also cause distress in children who are frequently seeking and needing your approval.  Words that are damaging to a child can be hidden in sentences such as:

“What a silly thing to do.”

You may not have said directly that your child was silly but that is the word that sticks and to the child that is the accusation.

How about when we say:

“That’s a dumb thing to do,” in effect the child thinks that they are dumb. 

Teachers are always watching their language to ensure that a child does not misinterpret their words. Once a child feels vulnerable as words have been used that intimidate them, the relationship is damaged. Often teachers quickly recognise that their language was damaging and so go into immediate mode to rectify the problem. Teachers will train themselves to avoid careless words.

 Parents naturally speak with much incidental talk around and with their child. Little ears pick it all up and careless words can easily creep into conversations especially when we are disappointed.

 “Watch out for the cord on the floor. It would be a silly thing to fall over it.”

Try saying:

“Watch out for the cord on the floor. It is dangerous.”

 Avoiding the obvious damaging words is the safest route. Words such as “dumb, silly ridiculous, crazy, mad, etc”. Words that can have connotations that imply the child is incompetent can be damaging.

 When working with children I tried to introduce some affirming words. For example:

“Thanks for closing the door quietly as it is an awful sound when it slams.”

It is amazing how the simple affirming positives can take away the edge in conversation. Such positives invite conversations that are not threatening.

Keep in mind the following thoughts:

• Better conversation means the relationship is on a healthy path. There is more honesty when a child feels less threatened by negative words.

• The use of negative words can mean that the child will shut down from the conversation.

• If there is a pattern of using negative words when something goes wrong, will your child approach you?

• When very upset allow some time to pass before bringing up the matter. Silence can be golden. It can reduce anger and ensure less damaging conversations will follow.

• Finally, think about the times when negative words have been used on yourself. I am sure you will recognise that feeling of loss and frustration. Did the feeling change your opinion of the person speaking the words? How did you respond after the words were used?

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can be everlasting.”

All things Covid19 - resource list.

Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?

Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?

So, we are back working on line from home.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

On we go with lockdowns

A few tips on helping with home schooling

8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times

“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

Getting back to routine after lockdown

Back to school and living the new norm

A positive thought

Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown

Looking after yourself a key ingredient into coping

On we go with lockdowns

Whilst I have written several times on this matter, it occurs to me that there is no problem in repeating how and what to do to help our children’s mental health during this period. Everything keeps shifting. As each week comes around, there is an evolution of new thoughts and discussions on how and what is best practice in managing the situation. This everchanging pattern leaves us very unsettled and searching for the truth.

In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life. What we can do as parents though, is provide a secure climate at home, that keeps the positive alive and a sense of hope, a source of regular discussion.

Children need to feel secure and as parents, we are the source to make this provision. Our hope is that in the longer term, they remember us as parents who kept up with accurate information. They also want us to be honest. However, in the same vein, to give us hope, so that they have something to look forward to and to set a goal in these troubling times. Setting goals is aspiring to feeling and being better.

‘If I finish my on-line work, I will ride my bike with mum and dad in the park for two hours.’

In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life.

This is most important that they trust what we have to say and look to us for further ongoing current, accurate information and guidance. It is our responsibility to keep them abreast with the changing situations, age-appropriate of course.

Take care not to talk the negative talk in front of them. They pick up on what is said and if it is unsettling, they may harbour that thought, without seeking accurate information. Children in my experience, do not approach adults who seem agitated or unsettled about their facts and feelings. They always gravitate around the stable influence in their life.

Through the internet, talking to friends, news items etc. information, correct or otherwise is everywhere. You are the main source of truth for your child. It is imperative that they want to seek you out when they have questions that make them unsettled. They will go to you if they see you as someone who will not falsify information, put them down or polish the truth. If you are a calm and stable person, that listens with very little reaction to the questions, then they know you are reliable and can be trusted.

Children are living their own journey with this pandemic and so they deserve the truth and the ability to build their knowledge base as time progresses. For example, we are now talking about the percentage of vaccines that are taken up as being significant to when and where we can open up our cities. The conversation keeps shifting and so too should the information and conversations we have with our children. Of course, we deliver the information in an age-appropriate way and as frequently as is needed.

 I believe it is also important to be clear with your child how your family is responding to the lockdowns etc. For example, talk to them about how you shop, what precautions you take and how far you travel. These practical aspects are still to be understood by the child. The clearer they are about how their family operates under the pandemic, the safer they feel in the presence of their reliable family.

 Your family has an immense responsibility during this pandemic of not just keeping your child safe from physical harm, but also from longer-term mental harm. The more secure, predictable and reassuring you are as a parent, the better the mental health for the child in the longer term.

“Family is your most reliable source of support in any situation because love from your family is unconditional.”

— Auliq Ice

Take care with the word we use. Remember sticks and stones can break those bones!

Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?

No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.

 Consider the following:

• How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.

• We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.

• Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)

The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.

• People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.

• Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.

• Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.

As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.

It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Think about the value of laughter during lockdown

Victor Borge said,

‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’

Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!

When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.

We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.

Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.

If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.

• Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.

• Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.

• Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.

• Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.

• Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.

• If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.

• Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.

• Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.

Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.

• Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.

• Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.

• Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.

• Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.

• Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.

These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplin

A positive thought

It is just so tricky thinking up creative ways to have fun and engage with the children in lockdown. I was recently thinking of a very successful teacher who had the most wonderful disposition and skill in turning doom and gloom in the classroom into something happy and positive.

No mean feat when you have unsettled children. Perhaps her idea may have some application in your home. Call it a “negative stop buster” to clear the cobwebs and change thinking in a negative way.

Her method of improving attitude was to declare the day a P Day. This meant that the children could only talk positive talk and discuss things that were making them happy. For example:

• Today the sun has come out.

• I am really looking forward to lunch.

• I finished my on-line work. Yeh!!

• I will wear this t-shirt. I like all the colours.

• I love riding my bike.

• I am looking forward to some desert.

• Thanks for lending me your pencil.

• When we play Lego together I have so much fun.

What this teacher was doing was conditioning the children into seeing the small things in the day as positive. It is quite amazing how it can redirect your mood. In the junior classes, children would record how many times they talked about positive thoughts. It became quite a fun activity.

It was a game, but one in which the children turned their thinking to discovering the positive in simple things. This naturally created positive feelings that can take away the unsettling mood.

Perhaps you could have a “P” hour once a day as a whole day could be just too much to coordinate.

This game is simply a tool in redirecting negative thoughts into positive. You may find it a useful strategy in the home setting during these repeated days of more of the same.

No surprises, this teacher was well loved by the children. Positive people always attract others through their warm and happy disposition.

“A positive mindset brings positive things.”

— Phillip Reiter

A child’s strengths - Oh so many!

Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.

Does your child demonstrate from time to time?

• Compassion for others.

• Unselfishness and is able to share.

• A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.

• Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.

• An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.

• Shows patience in difficult situations.

• Kindness to those around.

• Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?

• Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?

• Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.

• Reflects on activities that happen to them.

• Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.

• When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?

• Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?

• Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?

All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.

‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’

‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’

‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’

Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.

“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”

—  Marcus Buckingham

Dealing with the put downs

Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.

If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.

The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.

“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”

“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”

“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”

These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive.  In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.

It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:

• Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.

• Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….

“I am disappointed when…”

“I am unhappy when…”

“I do not like your behaviour when…”

Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.

• Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.

• From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.

In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.

The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.

 “I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”

  “I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”

Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.

However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.

Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

— Stephen Covey

How disappointed do we really feel?

It is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.

The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.

• Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.

• Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.

• Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?

• Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?

• Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.

• Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.

“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”

• Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.

• If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.

• Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.  

“No expectations, no disappointments.”

— ENKI quotes

How to deal with outbursts of anger.

Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:

‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’

Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.

When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:

‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’

Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.

• Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.

• When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.

• You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.

• Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.

• An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.

• Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.

• Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.

Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— ~

Curiosity boosts learning

Einstein was a famous one for telling everyone that without curiosity learning does not grow. He would argue that without his insatiable attitude for being curious he would not have made his discoveries about the universe.

By nature, children are curious. We see this in the young child who will explore everything in front of them. As the child grows, also grows a level of caution, it’s natural. As parents, we monitor what is safe and not so safe when it comes to being curious. This blog is to remind parents that curiosity can come in so many ways. Our role is to encourage it and to invite our children to explore the world through different lenses, understanding that within each lens, different perceptions develop.

To some degree developing curiosity is linked to developing independence and as the parents give the child more freedom, they begin to explore the world in their own way without boundaries. They experiment with more freedom and this will come with mistakes and success. In order to build curiosity in our children the following thoughts may help:

• A child can be curious in many ways that can be as simple as learning to cook, playing in the sandpit, studying recipes etc. through to learning about planets. The range is big, or small and is everywhere.

• The more we don’t give immediate answers but invite more questions, the child’s curiosity grows.

“Look at that beetle. I wonder why it goes in and out of the rock?”

• More questions beget more questions and so the probing goes deeper, the perceptions alter and alternative thinking develops strengthening and feeding our creative disposition. Here critical thinking begins.

• When the child sees that you enjoy being curious, they learn that the experience will be enjoyable for them and they can ask questions freely. Just giving answers does not excite the imagination and shuts down all creativity.

• When you listen to the news or read something of interest, use these occasions to discuss the curious nature of the article or news item. Children will soon learn that you invite conversations with them to learn more and enjoy the discussion together. This, to you, is seen as an effective way to work through issues, problems or simply to gain knowledge.

• This is a time when asking “why” a perfect way to invite curiosity. Children prefer this rather than straight answers. We are not always the bearer of all information, but we can be the bearer of many questions to explore different ways of looking at things.

• If your child knows that you will invite them into being curious, rather than just providing an answer, they will be more inclined to approach you with interesting thoughts and ideas. A child is naturally attracted to questioning, rather than just knowing the answer.

• Schools are actively teaching a method that invites gaining knowledge through asking questions. Your child, if at school age, will be familiar with this process, which to them is a natural form of learning. Talk to your child’s teacher to learn more about the Inquiry approach to learning.

• When you ask questions, rather than give an immediate response, you are telling your child that there could be many ways of looking at something. This is encouraging the child to see everything from various lenses. It presupposes that having a go and reflecting on different answers is not about making mistakes, but rather seeking out the truth and thinking with an open mind and being a critical thinker.

“What road do I take?”
“Well, where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”

“Then it doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are going. Any road will get you there.”

— Alice in Wonderland

Asking for help, is an important tool in learning

Are you the person that always asks for help? Some children naturally ask, even though they may not have thought through what they are asking. This, for some, can simply be a habit. Other children can be slower in asking for help and others may not ask for help due to shyness, embarrassment, fear of looking like a failure, etc. Not getting into the habit of asking questions, can be dangerously habit forming and we want our children to hear their voice in the classroom when questions are asked.

Whatever the category your child falls into, all children need to ask for help in the classroom and learn that asking for help is natural and to be expected in developing an inquiring mind. Once a child becomes an adolescent, they need to have conquered their fears to ask for help, otherwise, it can become an academic and social minefield.

Teachers carefully monitor those children who remain silent and work very calmly and skilfully to bring their voice into the harmony of all the classroom when questions are asked. A teacher will respect the quiet child, but work to get their questions and voice out in the open.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more. By asking questions our children are wanting to explore concepts for themselves and make sense of what they don’t understand.

 At home, you can support your child to ask questions in the following ways.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more

• Ask a lot of questions yourself. Demonstrate to your child that asking questions gives you the knowledge you need to feel satisfied.

• When together as a family, have a game of asking questions. This can be a great game in the car and the importance here is to invite questions about some information. The game of ‘I spy’ is a popular one.

• Ask your child about how they gain information in the class. Do they ask questions? Are they comfortable asking questions? Do they feel asking questions helps them learn?  If this is a problem,

• Talk to your child’s teachers about how best to assist your child.

• Once a week around the table ask the children to simply ask questions. This can be around a topic, a picture etc. the importance is simply to practice asking questions.

We are aiming for our children to recognise that asking questions is a normal part of solving problems. It should be to a child a natural process this is used in building knowledge.

“The important thing is to not stop questioning.”

— Albert Einstein

Take care with words spoken

In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.

Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.

Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.

• Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn.  Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.

• Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.

• Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.

• Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.

• Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.

• If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.

Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

— Napoleon Hill

Teaching your children to be planners

Organisation is always a challenge for children as they grow. Also, as parents, some of us are less organised people in planning events etc. It’s just in our nature how we approach planning. This article tells us that planning can be learnt, which is so beneficial for children’s success in self-management. The earlier they value being a planner, the more they gain through being organised and in control of what they are doing.

Taking time to plan something well shows that a person is making choices about how they want to be in control of their actions. They come to understand that they will have more successful outcomes by being a planner. Planning well gives you a vision into what you are expecting as an outcome. To be productive is to plan well. For example, if you plan your trip well for the school holidays you feel reassured that it will be successful and that you have a clear understanding of what to expect. There are fewer unfortunate surprises.

There are developing skills in learning to plan well and children will get better at it and more accurate in their planning, reading situations better etc. as time goes. They will make mistakes but grow in confidence about sharpening the planning process.

Teachers know that planning their lessons well is the key to the quality of teaching. Without effective well-planned lessons, teachers easily lose control of the outcomes. They understand that the quality of their planning will impact a child’s learning.

Read here to help your child be a dedicated planner.

They are also keen to teach children the importance of planning and when assignments are on the agenda, teachers will spend considerable time with children discussing their plan. Sometimes pieces of work are marked on the quality of the planning demonstrated by a child.

When we teach our children to plan important events etc., they begin to value the process of planning as a way of managing their world and feel in control. They are setting the directions themselves. Once they feel the success of their planning, children will want more control of their actions.

Here are some thoughts on helping your child become a dedicated planner.

• Demonstrate to your child how you plan for important events, occasions etc. Allow them to share in some of this planning. Is planning an important part of your work life?

• There are various ways to plan and everyone develops their own style. Talk about what tools you use to help you plan. For example, are you someone who takes notes?

• Do you plan your events on a computer? Do you revisit the plan?

• What resources do you use in planning?

• When your child talks about important events that they will participate in, talk about what plans they have in place to make it successful.

• When planning we all need time for this and talk to your children about how much time they will give to the planning process.

• Talk about successes you have had from careful planning. It is also worthwhile to talk about the trial and error in planning. This is also an important process we go through before discernment.

A wise person sees planning as a natural part of putting order and structure into their world. Teaching our children, the value of planning gives them an important tool in guiding their directions with personal satisfaction and confidence.

“‘Good teaching is more a giving of right questions than a giving of right answers.’

                             -Josef Albers”

— Quote Source

The great potential of our children

School is such a great place for bringing out the best in children.

Each day teachers motivate, stimulate and drive children’s thirst for learning. They are experts at bringing out the best in the children as they know that within each child there is so much potential. The more they develop and ignite their gifts the greater learning will occur on so many levels.

How about home?

Do we recognise those great gifts and the potential of our children? Some potential is very obvious. If a child is good at Maths that is quite clear to everyone. However, there are many potentials that we need to bring out of our children and certainly, we need to recognise the more subtle potentiality that appears from time to time.

Here is a list upon which to reflect when highlighting and affirming potential gifts in our children:

Some of our child’s potential is very obvious. Some is not and we must recognise it and celebrate it.

• Notice how your child treats others. Do they demonstrate a well-developed style of treating others with kindness and understanding? This shows the development of compassion and sensitivity.

• Does your child have skill in engaging with all children and being inclusive in play? This is quite a gift and potentially shows leadership in a child. Great leaders are inclusive.

• Is your child well organised and likes to set goals? Such a gift shows the potential of being a well-balanced and self-disciplined person.

• Is your child a great listener to others? Such a gift leads to the potential of being an effective adult who listens with intent, patience and tolerance for other’s opinions.

• Does your child show patience in a special way? Oh, what a gift is developing here. Such potential leads to a well-balanced person, tolerant and wise.

• Is your child noticeably aware of others that are less advantaged? This shows that a child will potentially develop strong compassion and fairness in life.

These are some examples where your child can develop into a warm and caring person with substantial emotional maturity.

This article is about looking for the potential in your child to develop into a well-rounded human being. Think about all the subtle examples of your child’s behaviour to others and themselves.

To live to your full potential is all about using your gifts and greatness for the common good. Let’s encourage our children to see their potential as an opportunity to grow wisely and sensibly.

“Free the child’s potential and you will release them into the world.”

— Maria Montessori

Teaching our children to take on responsibility

This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?

As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.

Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.

Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.

Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.

You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.

Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:

• Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.

• Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?

• If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.

• Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.

• Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.

• For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.

• We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.

I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.

“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”

— Denis Waitley

The potential of your child is immense

How magnificent it is when a child is born. At this point we envisage a wonderful life together as family. We dream of all the great potential of our special child. And so, you should. What can sometimes happen, as the years progress, it can cloud those hopes when we see unpleasant behaviour and our child challenges us in ways that are surprisingly uncomfortable. We can become fatigued by the onslaught of childhood and adolescent problems, that may appear, as our bundle of joy grows older.

What is worth keeping in mind is that the great potential you dreamt about with your newborn is ever-present. They are capable of so much and with our help can achieve in so many surprising ways.  They of course must journey through the rigour of childhood, which will naturally have periods where their dreams are clouded as well.

There is nothing more exciting than sitting in a classroom and observing the enthusiasm, interest and passion children show for their work. They are like sponges and are keen to absorb all the advice and stimulus that they can access.  This is such a liberating environment for bringing out a child’s potential. Of course, here I sit as someone who does not have the job of rearing the child. My observation looks at the child from a pure perspective and here I encourage parents to similarly keep a clear vision.

Your child has so much potential. Teachers know this and in clever ways tease out their strengths and encourage new thinking in each child. Sometimes all we need to do is encourage their ideas and affirm their interests and passions no matter how different they are to your line of thinking. Potential is driven by ongoing encouragement.

A child’s developing confidence will influence their ability to express their potentiality. Our job is to help build their confidence and demonstrate faith in their attempts to be stronger, louder and more expressive overtime.

 In classrooms, teachers look for a child’s potential and work to displaying their gifts and strengths through many and varied activities. It may not be through academics. It may be through sport, drama, art or music etc. When a child realises that they have strengths and that they are encouraged to develop them, a whole new world of hope and possibilities expands on their horizon.  Their self-confidence escalates and the world is their oyster.

Consider:

• Be open to your child’s potential no matter how different this may be from your own ambitions. Accept and celebrate their differences. The best comes out when they feel liberated to be themselves.

• Invite conversations around what they enjoy and what sparks their interests. Try not to direct their interests, but be guided by what they tell you. Listen with interest and not condemnation.

• Remember to affirm their passions and encourage their interests, as they are often stimulated by their developing potential.

• A child is a work in progress and over time their passions, interests and strengths will align if allowed to grow. This will lead to them reaching their potential over time. 

• Be the instrument that allows them to develop their potential by affirming, reassuring, allowing trial and error and above all seeing every attempt as success, not failure.

• Keep in mind that your child’s potential is unique to them. Sometimes we get confused when we see considerable difference in our children.  We can feel more reassured when they seem more like us. Their journey and potentiality are all about them. Best we celebrate the unique differences we see, rather than bemoan the lack of similarity in our children.

A child’s potential is such a wonderful part of their development. Your role is simply to open the doors and windows, to let in fresh possibilities for them to experience their potential.  You are building a strong foundation enabling your child to embrace what is their right, to reach their full potential.

“Free the child’s potential and you will transform them into the world.”

— Maria Montessori