There is a silent, steady power present in being courteous. You are stronger by nature of your courteous style. By treating someone with dignity no matter how different your thoughts are, there is little with which to argue. After all, they see how you accept them as legitimate. You accept their right to have a voice, which gives you a voice.
Read MoreWhat do our children really think about us? Are they aware of all our efforts? Do they remember the little details and the extra efforts we make over the years? What is their level of appreciation of us the parents?
Read MoreFamily situations change through separation and divorce and children will feel this. The key point is to provide ongoing love, understanding, reassurance and stability in difficult times. Try to remember that whilst you are going through a personal crisis, there is no avoiding that your child will be experiencing emotionally charged times. Accept that you will need support and so to your child. Rely on family support and networks that will minimise some of the impacts.
Read MoreThis is a time of giving and there is so much advertising around the shops, television etc. that can cloud one’s thinking and destroy the balance of giving and receiving.
This is also a time to be teaching our children about the gift of generosity and the spirit of Christmas which is about giving of oneself generously.
Schools will be getting ready to close for the school year and will be farewelling their children, putting closure on their times together and reflecting on how this year has presented its challenges and opportunities. Certainly, a time for our own children to reflect on what they have learnt from yet another strange cycle of school life, lockdowns etc.
Despite all the ups and downs when we come around to Christmas it is an opportunity to demonstrate the value of giving, sharing and being inclusive in so many ways. In a strange way, having had such challenges personally this year, should teach our children the exceptional value of Christmas as it is all about simply coming together and connecting.
Consider the following thoughts that may help as we get closer to school closure and reflect on the message of Christmas.
Tap in with your child and ask how they are farewelling their class. Talk about being inclusive with parties and acknowledging everyone as Christmas is not “bah humbug” but about everyone.
Talk about Scrooge in the story of The Christmas Story. This character by nature of his mean attitude suffered loneliness as he was so self-centred and ended up lonely and isolated. This story just invites thoughts about those children in the class who are less included. The more we use opportunities to talk about inclusivity and wellbeing for all, the better we disperse the Christmas spirit. This year, particularly is a reminder about isolation and loneliness. Our children can now easily identify with that feeling after so much isolation in their own life.
Some families choose to connect to a well-recognised charity at Christmas time. This is a wonderful opportunity to talk about the charities that do such good work at Christmas time.
Check in with your child’s teacher to see if there are any unresolved issues that need discussion or follow up. Given the unusually short school term, some children may need special closure on different aspects of school. Never underestimate it is the same for all children.
In talking with your child about the school year, tap in to any anxiety that may be there about starting a new grade in 2022. Less school contact hours in the previous year can make some children anxious about being successful. They may feel concerned about beginning again after such an interrupted year. This particularly applies to those children who worry about being correct all the time. Think about how change effects your child.
As news evolves about shifting patterns with the Covid pandemic, ensure that you inform your children well about the status quo. They need frequent, accurate information that is age appropriate and always tempered with a sense of hope. You are their best source of being well informed and feeling safe.
Let’s see the approach of school closure and Christmas as an opportunity for families to plan, rest, recovery and renew a sense of hope and faith in our world that needs stability, reassurance and joy for our children. Families are a key factor in giving our children hope for their future. Christmas is a perfect time for families to take stock and renew that gift of hope.
“For it is in giving that we receive.”
St Francis of Assisi
When our children are born, their dependency nee survival totally depends on ourselves, unlike many animal varieties that can within a short time, walk away from their parents and survive the wilds independently. Our species needs more time to be fed, nurtured and given some help to be upright and walking. At this point we have an incredible amount of power and responsibility for our children. No question about it, those early years are focussed on full support, care and safe direction for our family. Then suddenly things change. Once our children feel more personally in control, even if it is just a little, they seek out some independence. It is as though they are the butterfly edging their way out of the cocoon to find their independence and fly away. Gradually they grow stronger as they break free from their encased cocoon. The struggle they go through makes them stronger in their final exit from that encasement.
This is natural and normal. What the challenge is for parents is to help them slowly and gently discover their independence. Of course, there will be some struggle, possibly failure and endurance in this process. This can be challenging for some parents who struggle to let go and frightened to let their child make a mistake. What can then happen is a power struggle. Once power struggles creep into your life with your child, it can be a difficult journey to maneuver. If your plan is to win all the time, consider it a failure.
Here it is about working with your changing child, accepting that change will occur over time and choosing to be part of the process in a proactive way.
The following thoughts may help you prepare for that change.
Reflect that your power is all about responsibility which gradually reduces as the child takes on more accountability for their own life.
Gradually giving your child opportunities to be independent is the best way to lead them into feeling confident about their own capabilities. Such opportunities should start as early as you see evidence that they are seeking to do things on their own.
Letting go can be hard especially when the child asks for independence in areas that can be challenging. Often parents find teenage time the most difficult. Children want and demand to be given more freedom and yet you see danger ahead that they cannot manage or foresee. Therefore, you feel anxious as after all you have responsibilities to that adolescent.
When you let go and give them liberties affirm them when they have demonstrated to you that they can manage themselves well.
‘Well done. You walked to the shop on your own and followed all the road rules. This makes me feel that you know what to do.’
As the child seeks more and more independence, that may mean some negotiation on your part. Resentment can build if you simply dismiss their requests without discussion and without listening to their request.
Unsettled teenagers can be very determined in meeting their needs away from their parent’s eyes. We do not want that form of independence to develop. We want them to come to their parents, knowing that they will be heard and possibly some negotiation may occur.
Parents often feel a sense of grief when they see their child reaching out for independence. Look at it differently. Your child is growing and just as they learn to walk, they now need to grow in more social and intellectual areas. Your guidance and support through that time will give them the confidence that you trust them. You should begin to see parenting as a responsibility that is helping your child become an independent young adult. Put another way, it is irresponsible not to support their developing independence.
Every child is different but it is true to say that the first child generally has a harder road to walk in becoming independent. As parents, we are constantly learning how to manage their demands for independence. Consider this when relating to your firstborn.
Finally, by encouraging independence you are doing your child a great service. Building resilience and self-esteem strengthens a child’s feeling of confidence in managing themselves. No surprise that the children that developed independence early at school were fast learners, who took risks, challenged themselves and were not afraid of failure.
The great responsibility you have as a parent is to nurture independence and be a guide setting directions for your child, giving them the joy of personal exploration leading to self-management.
‘The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.’
-Denis Waitley
Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.
Does your child demonstrate from time to time?
Compassion for others.
Unselfishness and is able to share.
A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.
Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.
An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.
Shows patience in difficult situations.
Kindness to those around.
Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?
Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?
Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.
Reflects on activities that happen to them.
Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.
When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?
Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?
Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?
All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.
‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’
‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’
‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’
Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.
“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”
Einstein was a famous one for telling everyone that without curiosity learning does not grow. He would argue that without his insatiable attitude for being curious he would not have made his discoveries about the universe.
By nature, children are curious. We see this in the young child who will explore everything in front of them. As the child grows, also grows a level of caution, it’s natural. As parents, we monitor what is safe and not so safe when it comes to being curious. This blog is to remind parents that curiosity can come in so many ways. Our role is to encourage it and to invite our children to explore the world through different lenses, understanding that within each lens, different perceptions develop.
To some degree developing curiosity is linked to developing independence and as the parents give the child more freedom, they begin to explore the world in their own way without boundaries. They experiment with more freedom and this will come with mistakes and success. In order to build curiosity in our children the following thoughts may help:
A child can be curious in many ways that can be as simple as learning to cook, playing in the sandpit, studying recipes etc. through to learning about planets. The range is big, or small and is everywhere.
The more we don’t give immediate answers but invite more questions, the child’s curiosity grows.
“Look at that beetle. I wonder why it goes in and out of the rock?”
More questions beget more questions and so the probing goes deeper, the perceptions alter and alternative thinking develops strengthening and feeding our creative disposition. Here critical thinking begins.
When the child sees that you enjoy being curious, they learn that the experience will be enjoyable for them and they can ask questions freely. Just giving answers does not excite the imagination and shuts down all creativity.
When you listen to the news or read something of interest, use these occasions to discuss the curious nature of the article or news item. Children will soon learn that you invite conversations with them to learn more and enjoy the discussion together. This, to you, is seen as an effective way to work through issues, problems or simply to gain knowledge.
This is a time when asking “why” a perfect way to invite curiosity. Children prefer this rather than straight answers. We are not always the bearer of all information, but we can be the bearer of many questions to explore different ways of looking at things.
If your child knows that you will invite them into being curious, rather than just providing an answer, they will be more inclined to approach you with interesting thoughts and ideas. A child is naturally attracted to questioning, rather than just knowing the answer.
Schools are actively teaching a method that invites gaining knowledge through asking questions. Your child, if at school age, will be familiar with this process, which to them is a natural form of learning. Talk to your child’s teacher to learn more about the Inquiry approach to learning.
When you ask questions, rather than give an immediate response, you are telling your child that there could be many ways of looking at something. This is encouraging the child to see everything from various lenses. It presupposes that having a go and reflecting on different answers is not about making mistakes, but rather seeking out the truth and thinking with an open mind and being a critical thinker.
“What road do I take?”
“Well, where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then it doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are going. Any road will get you there.”
I wish there was an easy response to how best to support children and families during lockdown but nonetheless, let’s have a try.
Lockdown is in itself a down word. Why not, ‘recovery time’ or ‘time out’. Whatever the name, the feeling of being in lockdown, oh sorry, ‘time out’ can be a real down feeling for all concerned in the family. The following thoughts are to remind us again of some positive thinking in this time when we feel so deprived on so many levels.
The lockdown is to protect the lives of people. We live in a society where at all cost, people’s lives are given the highest priority. Our society values people.
We are really needing to remember the common good. For example, by wearing masks you are looking after other people as well as yourself. By using the QR system you are providing information that can lead to early detection of the virus and fewer people spreading the disease.
There is not much joy left in online school work but in the longer term, more than any other time we can remember, you the parent will have plenty of personal time with your child. This can have an amazing impact on building deeper, lasting relationships with your child. When working across a busy week of school etc, your quality time with your child is greatly diminished.
Have you noticed that your conversations with your child are broader and that you are both looking for joint activities to do more than ever before? This must be continuing to build a lasting, memorable relationship with your child.
Have you noticed new and interesting things about your child? Having more time together gives you more time to simply notice the joy of your growing child.
Of course, as the lockdown increases and changes, as the parent, you need to give further explanations about the shifting nature of the virus. Your information here should be clear and age-appropriate.
This is such a wonderful time to talk together about a serious matter that needs mature handling on the part of the parent. It challenges us to recognise the importance of giving accurate information and also building hope into the conversation. This is such an important time for sound parenting, as the child looks to you for mature family leadership, reassurance and support. Often much of our parenting is done on the run. With the issue of the pandemic so prevalent in our lives, how you handle it around your child will have a major impact on their understandings later in life.
Difficult as it may be, bringing some warmth and humour into the day can make an amazing difference to everyone’s disposition.
Keeping up with the smiles, having jokes, exercising together and talking as a family in a happy and relaxed way on a regular basis can lighten the spirit.
“We must accept finite disappointments but we must not lose infinite hope.”
To some degree, this is all about ethics. It is about our ability to have beliefs and stick by them through our words and actions. Every day we are modelling our beliefs to our children. They are quick to observe how we live out those beliefs and especially if we are consistent with such beliefs… No pressure!
Their observations give them an insight into what we value and are prepared to live by. For example, if you have a particular faith that you live by, are you consistent in its practice? Do your causes play a big role in the life of the family or are they just personal causes that you live by? Either way, they will influence your child directly and indirectly.
For example, the environmental issues of the day have captured the minds and hearts of the youth. Do you live with a cause to being environmentally friendly? If so, are you living out your values and sharing them with your family? The agenda of environmental impact is a wonderful and current cause in which to work with your children.
This blog is simply to remind us that we are great influencers of our children who keenly watch what we value and how we demonstrate honesty and consistency to our causes. Little eyes are always watching and observing to see if our words and actions are aligned.
In a school setting, children are aware that causes are an important part of the world of teachers and the school community. They expect, nay, demand from their teacher’s, consistency in their actions and values. If their teacher is not consistent in their causes, such as the belief of working hard, being consistent and planning well, they lose respect and their interest in following that teacher’s directions falls away.
As a principal in working with children they knew that I had a strong cause to engage with them and listen. If my listening dropped off, so too did their interest in chatting about matters that affected them. I suddenly became much less credible in their eyes.
When we are honest to our cause, children no matter how negative they feel to our beliefs, respect our efforts in honouring what is important to us. When they see consistency and dedication to our mission, they are more inclined to respect our efforts even though at times we fail.
Your causes will influence your child directly and indirectly.
Consider:
Do you have causes that are visibly displayed and lived out at home? It is valuable articulating the causes that are important to you.
Do these causes have a big impact on how you parent?
Reflect on the message you are giving to your child about what and how you value that cause.
Our children need to see how ethical we are as parents. Do I clearly articulate to my child what is important to me?
As a family discuss the many and varied global causes that are in today’s world. This gives you a chance to talk about how passionate people become with important causes. Perhaps your child has a strong interest in some cause or is developing a passion that can blossom into a full-blown cause. This sets them on a mission to learn and do more.
If your child is demonstrating a strong interest in some cause, it is worth teasing that out and inviting your child to reflect on how to support and strengthen that developing purpose and passion. Be open to a different understanding that with each generation comes a new interpretation of what the world values.
Remember from little seeds big things grow.
“Tell me and I’ll forget. Teach me and I’ll learn.”
This is all about giving them gradual independence to manage themselves. As they grow in independence they will certainly come across situations where they are uncomfortable, exposed to failure and feel generally unsatisfied with their efforts. These are all-natural feelings. Sometimes as parents we think by taking the responsibility away from them, they will have less pain and besides what if they make a mistake? How will they feel?
As the child grows in independence, they also grow in taking on their own responsibility for things. This teaches them to own the situation. There is much satisfaction with a child when they start to take responsibility. This gives them a sense of self-worth and a feeling of growing up as a real person. There is nothing more enriching than having that feeling of making decisions yourself.
Our role as parents is to support this gradual development and watch with joy our young one taking on responsibility.
Teachers know that in order for children to learn effectively they need to take ownership of their learning. During the school day, teachers will provide situations where children will make informed decisions on what they learn and how they learn. At parent-teacher interviews, there is nothing more satisfying for a parent than to hear that their child is a responsible learner. This has come about by gradually learning to take risks and to make responsible choices for themselves.
Teachers know that success only comes from accepting responsibility.
You will be amazed how small opportunities to take on responsibility will increase self-esteem once they are successful in showing responsibility.
Consider the following thoughts to build stamina in your child with regard to taking on responsibility:
Consider your own life situation. Are you a person that models responsibility and ownership of situations? Talk to your child about why this has been important to you over the years.
Do you have a list of chores at home that your child must do as part of the family routine? Could these chores grow in responsibility as the child gets older and demonstrates their growing strength in this area?
If you are having a holiday, get your child involved in the planning and being responsible for certain duties. Perhaps they take ownership of packing their bags, researching venues etc.
Talk about the responsibility of doing tasks at school. We know that leadership develops in children who show strong skills in being responsible. School captains are chosen from those children who demonstrate strong skills in being responsible. Teachers frequently set up monitors in classrooms on a rotation basis giving children responsibilities to manage.
Talk about how you value your child’s growing awareness and interest in taking on responsibility. Take care not to rescue your child too soon after disaster strikes as this will only disengage your child from taking on responsibility. It also delays any further interest in being responsible.
For those children reticent to be independent, give them small opportunities to be independent. You will be amazed how this will grow once they are successful in showing responsibility.
We live in a world where the safety of our children is paramount and to this end, I can understand how we are cautious parents in giving them too much responsibility and independence early.
I would argue that with gradual responsibility being handed to them, they are stronger and more confident young people. They are more observant of life around them when being responsible for themselves. They confidently and intuitively show skill in navigating their way around difficult situations and are much happier in themselves being in control.
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
No question about it, from time to time we need to use discipline with our children. I prefer to refer to it as ‘setting up consequences’ as the word discipline to me has harsh undertones. It alludes to administering harsh measures that can be felt for some time. After all, consequences are more about inviting your child to understand their actions and to deal with them in a responsible way. This does not in any way undermine the responsibility of the unacceptable action. In fact, it invites the child to take ownership of making mistakes.
Schools often use a method called restorative practice. It is primarily about a child acknowledging their wrongdoing after much listening and reflection. Together with the teacher, they put in place restorative action that will have consequences and healing for all parties. It encourages self-discipline and self-control. It invites children to reflect on their actions in the light of the problem.
This involves talking to children in a positive way about their behaviour.
“I am very disappointed that you broke that vase.
Together we need to find a way of dealing with this.”
You can invite the child to find the appropriate consequences and together you plan a way forward. Often using this method, you will find the child is quite hard on themselves. Care must be taken to work on the best consequences for the problem not always the harshest.
“Now that we have dealt with this matter, how can we avoid it happening again?”
Here we invite some proactive thoughts on moving forward and avoiding the same problem.
Also, affirm the child once the behaviour and consequences are complete.
“Well done. You understand that what you did was wrong and you have made me feel better now. We can move on.”
The most important part of giving consequences is to move forward after the consequences are finished. For the child, the most important part of healing is knowing that they are forgiven and that you still love them despite their problems.
Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation.
A few thoughts:
Try to be less angry when the incident occurs. Anger can escalate the child’s fear of giving the best response to the situation. Anger only encourages the child to shut down. Teachers understand very well that if they express anger without listening to the child, they will lose credibility. Solving the problem and moving on effectively then becomes a much bigger problem.
Keep everything in proportion. How serious was the problem? Perhaps it just needed a simple reminder?
Do the consequences fit the behaviour?
Are you taking over too much of the resolution and not including your child in the discussion throughout the process?
Check-in with your child after the resolution of the problem. Is your relationship intact after dealing with the behaviour?
Check-in with yourself to ensure that you have moved on. Carry no bitterness or malice.
Remember that many of the problems are about being a child, making mistakes and learning to grow. They will be short term and in a child’s life, there will be many repeated times to deal with consequences. Therefore, take it all in your stride and do not personalise issues.
If you have noticed an increased need to put consequences in place, check-in with your relationship with the child. Is all well in this area? Do I need to take time out to spend some individual healing time with my child?
Finally, whenever you have dealt with a problem, discussed the matter and dealt fairly with consequences, there will be growth and hopefully a broadening of understanding where forgiveness, mutual understanding and empathy grow.
“Conflict is not a problem that needs solving but a phenomenon that needs understanding.”
Are we prone to making quick judgements of people? I would add, are we very vocal about our observations of others? The delicate question that I raise here is how much do we influence our children on the judgements we make of others?
It is natural to have opinions and often this comes from a life lived with increasing knowledge around and about people. If we find ourselves quite opinionated about people are we in full possession of the facts? This blog is just to remind us that young eyes and ears are around and it is not difficult for your judgements to become their judgements. After all, at an early age, they trust your opinions.
What in fact is life-giving for our children is to be open to all kinds of people and to look for the best and not the worst of people. Having such a disposition is very attractive to others and is encouraging a more peaceful, mature way of being.
At school, teachers can see how influenced children become of others from the images formed by their parents. Once a child has such an attitude, they are working from the negative and not the positive.
A classroom is an excellent setting to teach children about accepting differences and growing to like the difference.
Consider:
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
Take care with what is said about others in the presence of your child. You may have strong opinions about someone, but I think it best to be subtle and careful in expressing them in front of your child. Let them slowly and gently form images of others for themselves.
Encourage an attitude that everyone is different and I may have some thoughts about this situation or person but there are many opinions to be considered.
Encourage your child to have an open mind when they encounter people with different views or perhaps ways of communicating.
Teach them that having an opinion is natural, but making judgements that damage can be harmful and lasting. Once judgements are made, opinions are sealed and limited understanding comes from making a judgement.
If your child talks negatively about a child in their class, discuss if they can see the good in that child and encourage them to be open to learning more about that person. A closed mind at an early age is not a healthy way to grow mentally and emotionally.
Social media sadly encourages judgment in all sorts of areas to do with people. Monitor what your child watches and have an open outlook on opinions and attitude about others. Teach them to be open to differences and to find some positive in difficult discussions about people that are controversial.
Developing the habit of making quick judgements on people can become a life habit. It closes doors mentally and disengages from learning more about people.
“If you judge people you have no time to love them.”
This is a tricky one for children. By nature, they are slow to be patient especially when they are young. They are living in a fast pace world where social media teaches them that instant gratification and immediate response is to be expected and highly valued. One could say that learning patience is an outdated skill. Consider even simple things. For example, do we wait to have hot cross buns at Easter? No, we find them in the shops as early as February when the last dying ambers of Christmas are present.
We live in a world where instant satisfaction is expected and is regarded as the norm. It is not seen as impatience but a necessary requirement of daily life. It is all about we have a right to be happy all the time because we deserve getting what we want.
Teaching patience, therefore, is necessary as it does not come as an innate skill. People who work hard at being patient learn the art of waiting and with it the appropriate rewards. With patience comes a sense of being at peace and controlling the stress of having things straight away.
Fortunately, school teaches about the value of patience and accordingly rewards children for demonstrating an ability to be patient. Walk into any classroom and you will see many signs referring to dates when certain activities and celebrations will occur. There is often an excitable countdown to a special day. Children must wait for their name to be called out and at times may not be chosen straight away for activities. They have to go with the flow and learn the art of patience. And so, the list of reasons why patience is needed and demanded is clear in a school setting.
At home there are many occasions when patience can be encouraged as a great gift and is highly valued in your family. Waiting for a birthday is a typical one. The anticipation builds and then the excitement of the day. The wait is over and accordingly rewarded.
Consider:
We all find it difficult to be patient. This is not an innate skill.
Can you think of several occasions across the week, month etc. when you can reinforce and reward a child’s patience?
Put up calendar dates on the fridge that you are looking forward to. Talk about the wait and the anticipation that is building.
Do you know and admire patient people? Talk about them to your child. How were they rewarded? What made them so likeable?
Ask your child about the times they had to be patient in their school day. Note how being patient kept the class moving.
Demonstrate patience to your child in your own life.
“I have an important meeting with my boss this week. I will wait patiently for this as I think it is about my promotion.”
How about the general nature of being patient? We wait to be served in a restaurant or perhaps we are in a queue at the supermarket. There are many daily occasions when patience is needed. These are perfect times to show your child that being patient is the best way forward. Impatience only leads to stress and poor behaviour on occasions.
Slowly and steadily, you can demonstrate and highlight times when patience wins the day. A child needs positive examples, especially as the anxiousness of society deans quick and immediate responses.
“We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.”
The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us. It is worth contemplating how we use leisure time and how this influences our children.
How we show commitment and prioritise is all about leisure time. Are we a family that hitches up the caravan and disappears to the beach? Leisure time should be modelled for the children as high-quality hours quite separated from the hustle and bustle of work, school, etc.
The activities that we choose to do in our leisure time certainly define us.
Children need to learn that there are clear separations with leisure time from regular life. This teaches them that leisure time is an important investment in life. It nourishes the soul as well as the body.
The more they come to value the experiences, the more they will be searching for it in their own lives.
Take care to ensure that leisure is active and engaging. Watching television, screen time on computers is not giving direct attention to breaking from routine and setting up activities that provide real leisure for all the family.
Teachers invite students to plan leisure activities that will be enjoyed by the whole class. Often this involves active activities such as sport, art etc. Sometimes school excursions are all about celebrating leisure time together. It is a great bonding agent.
A few thoughts about developing sound leisure time:
Invite the whole family into a discussion about how they want to use leisure time.
Take risks. Suggest new leisure activities that take everyone out of their comfort zones. Our character reflects the leisure we choose.
Research what is available and within your parameters as a family.
Plan leisure time regularly and talk about it as part of your family routine. Let it become an important way of life and not just an incidental holiday.
Get the children involved in the planning and if it involves gathering and packing equipment, this can be a wonderful way for them to become involved. Let them own some of the leisure plans and preparations.
Remind yourself that creating effective leisure time with the family is yet another way of supporting their mental growth and demonstrating the value of rest and recovery from the routine of life. It strengthens self-awareness and is an important way of expressing family.
“‘In our leisure we reveal what kind of people we are.’”
What more can we say about the tricky situation we face ourselves in with the lockdown and homeschooling? Here, I suggest we think about how children are learning differently and this has its amazing merits.
Consider the following list of ways children are now learning and experiencing life. Think about how you can enhance and enrich the situation.
Make the most of this stressful time. Value this unique time with your children.
You are having more conversation with your child across the day. Make them valuable conversations.
Given the hours you are together, ensure that those hours provide happy experiences. Keep laughter and lightness alive across the day.
If you are enjoying more outside exercise with your child, start talking about and noticing the beauty and differences in nature. With winter in its grip, this is a great time to observe temperature changes and how the season is crisp and the skylights different.
With exercise comes more awareness and sensitivity to the body. Talk about your changing fitness levels and have fun in playing and exercising together where possible.
Be smaller in the way you act and be childlike from time to time. This can be such fun and enlightenment for your child. They need to see the child within their parent.
Silence can be seen as golden. Enjoy the passive, quiet times when you are simply together. See them as an opportunity to be in each other’s presence without complications of conversation, noise, expectations, etc.
Of course, food is important during these unsettling times as it often nourishes the spirit and not just the body. Engage in cooking together and enjoying exploring with new flavours, colours etc. in food. Don’t be frightened to simply experiment, make a mess together etc.
Is there some manual activity you can do with your child? Build a cubby house, make a go-cart etc. Such manual exercise together builds strong bonds.
This is a time for the family to learn about the value of just sitting and also being active. Talk about how both have value and how to create the balance and not see each of them as rivals.
This is a wonderful time to really know yourself as a family. What makes your family tick? Explore this question with all the family and talk about how you act as a family unit. Once the busy, noisy regularity of the week goes back to normal you will not have that quality thinking time as a family. There is a certain dynamic that drives your family. Explore it while the opportunity presents itself.
There are many simple activities and experiences going on in the isolation of your family across the day. Think about the simplicity that will be gone once normality comes back. Will we then be craving a quieter time? Will we be regretting the opportunities we had to be just family?
Enjoy the simple, uncluttered moments with the family. Remember that this unique time has some special value in your life.
“Live intentionally. Forget that and your life will be lived for you.”
Power can take many forms. As a parent, you are confident and responsible. You understand your responsibility and will always sacrifice your interests over that of the child. As a parent, you understand that sacrifice is part of the job and so the self-actualisation one gains from being a parent highlight how the joy of having a child impacts on your life.
We grow with the child and our personality has quite an impression on the child. Our child comes to know what influences our moods, what excites us and what from time to time angers us.
How natural and normal is that in disclosing who we are and how we respond to life. Very natural I would say.
This article is to remind us that our children are like sponges and will respond to our reactions in different ways. Somewhere in their DNA they are working it all out! They learn from our responses and will internalise reflecting on how they would respond and act in that situation.
If our temperament is quite a strong one and we have opinions that are strongly expressed, sometimes our children can be overwhelmed by the power that this exhumes. I have seen many situations where strong-willed parents who express a powerful voice have children who respond meekly to situations. They feel they have no independent voice.
The child feels safer not to express themselves as they fear a response from parents. Silence is a powerful tool which children come to understand. If you are a parent with a strong persona and recognise within yourself that your opinions are well expressed consider the following:
Are you allowing your child to develop their own voice?
Is your child simply going quiet and not disclosing their feelings?
Are you giving your child the opportunity to express themselves in an open and non-judgemental way?
When consequences need to be put in place do you involve the child in the process and show strong listening skills with your child?
Often children with strong parents use silence as a way of excluding themselves from opinion and conflict. Remember if you want long term engagement with your child you need to engage them in a way that gives them a sense of being heard and valued.
Children who feel not included or underpowered with strong parents who have a very assertive way of communicating can simply shut down. It’s safer that way! This gives them immunity from being attacked or feeling a failure. It becomes a habit not to engage and so the relationship drifts. Many a child I spoke to over the years as Principal, admitted that it was easier to be silent than have opinions.
Consider the following thoughts to ensure that your child feels included and valued.
When having discussions at home ask your child what thoughts they have on the matter? Listen with intent and affirm their opinions. Show little reaction. Be interested.
Make it clear to your child that their opinion is valued and included in family conversations. Start asking their opinion more often even on simple matters.
Talk about how you like to communicate and discuss how different ways of communicating are valued.
“Sometimes I like to express my opinions in a strong way as I feel passionate about different things. I guess I can be a little loud at times. However, many people express their passions in a different way.”
Point out people that you admire who get their message across in a calmer, less noisy fashion. Admire the different styles.
Invite your child to have an opinion. Listen and affirm their efforts. Applaud how they communicate with others.
“You spoke so well about your feelings on the environment. I love how you talk to people about such matters”.
Children listen and learn from parents. Your style of communication is also carefully noted by your child. They will respond to the invitation given to them from parents. Allow your child to develop their own voice.
Yes, school is back in all its glory! This means that families can start to set up routines and schedules for their week so that everyone is in control.
However, let’s consider a few facts. Is it possible that as a family some habits will have changed? I would like to list some possibilities to think about with regard to the coronavirus pandemic that has impacted on all our lives. This list is to get us thinking about possible changes to our life and family that project us into a new norm.
Returning back to school after isolation and Covid-19
Notice how your relationship with your children has changed. The quality time together that you had at home is isolation may now be challenging you to be more in touch with your child. Try to hang onto what you have gained in this area.
Going back to routines can also drop down our time together to talk and engage as a family. Your child may grieve the loss of the strong connection you developed. Keep an eye on maintaining that relationship.
Now that your child is at school how is that impacting on your life? Are you missing the strong bond that developed? Have you noticed your routines changing? Is there more of a focus now on finding some personal time. Can you keep hanging on to that precious development in your life?
Check in with your child about how they are adjusting to school. The excitement will be there at first but their biological clocks are shifting again and the attention which a parent gave is now less. Are they coping with school routines?
Talk as a family regularly about the experiences as a family of being at home. List all the great experiences and memories that you want to keep. Highlight important learning that you as a family gained.
Consider taking a family photo of yourselves in your Covid mode. This can be important to talk about later as a family. Your child will have a very distinctive memory of the journey and you want to bring it into a favourable family experience.
Are there any habits that you have developed with your child? Did they begin to show more independence around the house such as cooking, cleaning etc. Try to keep these independent developments continuing and try not to fall back into habits of doing tasks for them.
Discuss how your child learnt from online school activities. This certainly would have strengthened their computer skills and you will find that teachers will now be keen to give them more group activities requiring conversation and interaction. Talk to your child about what style of learning they enjoy the most and why? This encourages them to reflect on how to learn effectively and what suits them.
Your child, especially if they are younger may become anxious about losing contact with you given the intensity of your relationship over the past several weeks. You may need to check in with them about their feelings of having less time with you.
The pandemic came with some very scary predictions over the past few weeks. Talk positively about why your child is safe going back to school and give them reassurance by gently educating them on how to be safe both at school, in public and at home.
What you as a family have experienced is quite unique. There is no research available to tell us how the future will look or to guide us coming out of the pandemic.
As the parent, your role is to keep your child educated with the facts always age-appropriate information of course. Giving them frequent reassurance that you are strongly present in their lives is, I consider a high priority as the child meanders their way into our new normality.
We all like and value routine. In fact, our routine reassures us that we are balanced and consistent and we have better control and management of our lives and those of our children. I agree there is much to be said for routine and order. I would also propose thinking about the various differences that your child introduces you too as they grow. You can learn much from your child and so be prepared to change!
We would like to think that our children are mirror images of ourselves. However, over time they are beginning to form their own opinions likes and dislikes along the way. My question here is do we allow them to be different? Are we happy when they offer other suggestions that sound different from the way the family operates? Are we open to being excited when they produce something quite different? In working with children, teachers encourage spontaneity and variation in the work the children do. They set goals expectations but become quite excited when the child steps away from the norm and sees the world from a different angle. This is strongly encouraged in the classroom. As a parent do, we encourage our children to be different? Are we interested in letting them develop their own style, or are we inclined to direct them to what we know is a safe option?
Many of the famous, creative people see the world differently and are happy when they have control of their own creative bent. This article is challenging us as parents to give your child scope to be different and to allow in the family their differences to blossom.
Here are some thoughts on how to enable this to happen:
Do you encourage your children to think differently?
Affirm the difference. Take care not to steer your child into the likes and dislikes that you believe are safe and secure. As a parent, we guide them by allowing them space to steer their own boat.
Take care not to be too critical or questioning of things you don’t understand. Respect their right to bring new thoughts and ideas into the home.
Be prepared to learn from your child. They often show you new ways of operating on computers, introduce you to their music, discuss environmental issues etc. When they approach you with their uniqueness try to engage with interest. This is their way of sharing their world with you. There is much to learn from the next generation.
If they start talking about topics that you are uncomfortable with, give them a chance to express themselves. Don’t cut them off at the knees. You want them to be open and feel welcomed to discuss their controversial concerns. You may have opinions that are different and can express those to the child but allowing them to talk about these tricky matters is important for open communication.
We tend to look for commonalities with our children. Try and affirm the differences you notice.
“You have beautiful blue eyes. I think you are the first in the family to have them.”
As the child ages, you may find some of their friends a bit confronting. Remember, your child will ultimately discern who they associate with and by welcoming all friends you reassure your child that you trust them.
Occasionally your child will say or do things that surprise or shock you, putting you off guard. It is legitimate to talk about them but allow yourself time to process the situation before the discussion.
“Goodness. I had no idea that you were doing handstands at school.”
Take time to process the situation before offering comments that could offside the child.
This article can challenge us as parents. Afterall we have faith in the things we know that work well as a family. Most children are keen to please and willing to oblige family expectations. However, if they sense the freedom to be themselves in whatever form that presents itself, they will be happier and more disclosing to the family about what they like and dislike. If they see you as a parent that celebrates their differences, you will be in a safer and happier position to really know your child. A little bit of childhood rebellion in your presence won’t hurt!
“Those who do not think outside the box are easily contained.”
With all that is going on at the moment parents are actively filling hours with busy activities and ensuring some of these hours have an educational basis to them. It is easy to feel that emptiness is a waste of time and a chance for real idleness to step in. Here we are challenging this thought. How much responsibility do we have as competent parents to fill in those busy hours for our children?
Our children live very busy lives both in and outside coronavirus times. As parents, we become focussed on ensuring that time is well spent and that by the end of the day, we can justify significant hours in useful exercises. I understand that a busy, active mind keeps idle fingers at bay.
Here I am also suggesting that creating space where children can create their own entertainment etc. can also be seen as a valuable tool. Busy people need breaks. A child needs time to think about what drives them in interests and what keeps them happy. Yes, I appreciate that distractions such as social media, television etc. can be a problem. I also believe that a child simply needs space to think freely and not be controlled by what we, the parents think is a valuable use of time.
Have you ever watched how free and engaged children are on the beach? We do not interrupt their play and enjoy seeing them just engage with nature and be happy in themselves. Here I am suggesting we bring that beach feeling into our home and legitimise the feeling that spare, independent time is acceptable and valued.
Often, we tend to be judgemental of how they use spare time. If they are not active, we think they are wasting valuable time. Sometimes just having spare time gives a child a chance to catch their breath and reflect on what they next want to do. Such spare time is undirected and is simply in the hands and control of the child. As parents, I suggest we are not critical of how they use that time and this gives them the freedom to feel that what they choose to do is totally up to them.
Think about ourselves. When we have spare time, do we want to be advised about how best to use that time? Often it is simply a chance to mentally enjoy respite from the busy days. Similarly, children deserve the right to have some time to themselves. It is a time to clear the head. It is all about just being a child and that may involve activities but also it may involve just a quiet time. It is a time for a brain rest. It is not about filling free time with busy activities.
Teachers often set free time in classrooms and they place no expectations on children. They see this time as an occasion to break from the pressures of the day and restore mental health before resuming activities. This can mean creating a vacancy in thinking which is quite refreshing before starting new work.
When working with children, I was very conscious of tapping into what the day had been for the child. If it had been very busy and overstimulating, I was reluctant to start conversations, especially towards the end of the day. The child needs mental respite from busy activities. Best to talk about matters when the child is mentally refreshed and interested.
In today’s world, we talk a lot about mindfulness and the readiness of people to take ownership of their own emotions by being at peace. I believe that creating a space that enables a person to mentally rest from stress or business helps restore a healthy more open attitude.
Similarly, a child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.
Consider the following:
Morning is generally better to talk about matters if the child is refreshed and their thoughts uncluttered.
Tiredness is not a time to talk about complicated issues. If you give your child some time to empty their mind, they are more receptive to listening with understanding.
A child that values some mental space develops great habits in being mentally healthy. They grow to value their own sense of personal emptiness. They see it as an opportunity to feel mentally refreshed.
Never underestimate the value of creating some mental space for children. They have a right to own this space for themselves.
“Mental health is not a destination, but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going.”
A child needs mental space and the more we introduce and value their right to have it, the more emotionally capable they are in resolving matters. In this area, I believe they are no different from adults.
Firstly, let’s consider the amazing journey in learning that your child has been on over the past few weeks. It comes with excitement, some boredom, new ways of learning, changed relationships with parents, insecurity about friends and so the list goes on. Your child’s awareness of the bigger world and its implications for their life and safety are quite vivid in their thinking.
The memory of this experience will remain with them for some time to come. When they are grown, they will reflect on this unique time in their life. The good news about returning to school is that children are so flexible and given that all children have experienced the journey of being isolated from friends, they will all approach the school setting with caution and optimism. This may mean new friendships may be formed. It may mean that they are more aware of their surroundings and the difference it presents from homeschooling. Whatever their sensations and feelings, they have grown existentially over the past few months and this will manifest itself perhaps in some changed behaviour and or responses to situations.
What can you do to support your child while returning back to school?
What can you do to support the child? Here are some tips on making the transition back to school a comfortable one.
Simply be aware that there will be differences in your child. They may say unusual things and act a little differently to normal habits. Just accept the difference and engage in healthy conversation. Remember that for some children especially the more vulnerable and younger children, they may experience some grief leaving the home nest.
It is a good idea to occasionally say: “Being back at school must be exciting and different. I wonder how you feel about it now?” Here you are inviting conversation and not demanding an immediate response.
If your child reacts with a message that school is too much and I want to stay home, you will need to gently discuss what is on their mind.
“It seems that you are anxious about some school issues. Do you want to talk about it?”
Be prepared that from time to time your child may be unsettled about getting back to routines. Discuss the weekly routines as a family and prepare them for what tomorrow brings.
Talk about how happy you are for them to be back at school. Take care not to make statements talking about how you miss them and wish we were all home again.
Give very clear messages about how getting back to school will look like for you as a family. A child needs to feel that routines and home/ school environments work in well together. Of course, there may be some practical changes.
Reassure your child that they are safe returning to school. They will be fearful if they feel you are nor certain about their return to school safely with coronavirus still present in society. Remind them that responsible adults are making very special precautions for their safety and you trust them implicitly.
Take care not to probe them with heavy questions when they get home, especially about hygiene questions. Obviously, you need to talk about how they took care with themselves in keeping distances, washing hands etc., but they will become frightened if you place doubt on the school’s capabilities of caring for them. This will only make them feel vulnerable and more anxious about attending school.
If you have queries about the school’s hygiene habits do not talk around the child but independently contact the teacher for reassurance.
Affirm the school for all the efforts and care they are taking around your child. This helps your child feel confident.
Children will be anxious about resuming relationships with friends. You can help them by being an effective listener, encouraging your child to find new friendships and display affirmation when they show initiative in building relationships with others.
We are now experiencing a new norm for your child. There will be some hurdles to jump now that your child returns to school. Your parenting is so important in steering their re-entry to school with warmth, reassurance and understanding. Naturally, there will be some regret on your part that they are no longer present each day of your life for twenty-four hours. Time now to share them with the bigger world.
“It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.”